1941-1942. Robert "Young Bob" Hodges, R.I.P.

My bridge partner passed on today
A stroke came and took him away
He'd lived 84 years
I am fighting back tears
For no more cards or golf will we play.

We'd watch when our teams took the floor
Or the field.  Thunder games, he kept score.
Say a sad missa brevis
Our bottles of Chivas
Will never be shared any more.

1940. À chacun son goût

Thanks to things I have crammed in my craw
I have added much avoirdupois
I devour food in haste
Barely pausing to taste
What's my favorite?  Je ne sais quoi.

The French title translates, "there's no accounting for taste," or "to each his own taste."

1939. But who put him up to it?

Archæologist guy at Purdue
'Bout women did not have a clue
He tried having sex
With a rebuilt T. Rex
And his goo all fell through on his shoe.

1938. Loud-mouthed lout

I sit here and try to determine
Why ESPN keeps Chris Berman
He's no alpha male
And his shtick has grown stale
Just one voice could be worse -- Ethel Merman.

1937. UK Holiday

No pugilists on air today
And my wife didn't give me a lay
Unless they do minglin'
In jolly old Englan'
Don't know why it's called "Boxing Day."

1936. Also gave her the test anthers

A botany prof. at the U.
Selected a coed to screw
He stuck in his stamen,
Quite suddenly came 'n
Filled up her sweet pistil with goo.

OP232. No hoof on your roof

It's realized - Santa's worst fear
The reindeer are striking this year
Fatigue was a factor
So he bought a tractor
For nothing can run like a Deere.

OP231. Well worth it

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Since I fucked his wife, Santa was mocking
By the gift that he left in my stocking
For I find that it is
Encrusted with jizz
I was bad, so it isn't that shocking.

1935. 74 degrees, 88% humidity

The day of gift-giving is here
And El Niño is really in gear
Does not seem like Christmas
It's warm like the Isthmus
Of Panama must feel all year.

It might also have to do with our being at the most southerly point of South Carolina, visiting kids and grandkids.  Here's hoping that -- wherever you are -- you'll have the merriest of Christmases!

1934. Ho Ho No!

It's here, Christmas Eve!  Children fantasize
I try not to grow to gigantasize
This time of the year
Food, eggnog, and beer
Cause my belly to swell up to Santa-size.

1933. What a drip

As they honeymooned at The Mirage
Mrs. Trickle endured a barrage
For there in their room
The car-racing groom
Kept driving into her garage.
My all-time favorite sports-world name belonged to NASCAR's Dick Trickle.  Click here for more.   (Since the last one listed played 1st base, surely his nickname was 'Stretch!'

1932. Scion of Hooker Chemicals?

Near Niagara, a whore who's named Sal
Will not douche, she's a filthy old gal
She has no solution
To clean the pollution
That dwells in her foul Love Canal.

1931. Triple bogey troubles

At golf I have ne'er broken par
Might as well spend my time in a bar
Though I make a few birdies
I have those absurdies
Which quickly a scorecard will mar.

1930. But no Elvis sightings

We're in Tupelo, that's Mississippi 
And feeling a little bit chippy 
Car's covered with frost 
We can see its exhaust 
But can't drive 'til the ice is all drippy. 

27 degrees here. We stayed overnight on the way to Hilton Head for Christmas. The forecast down there is "highs of 75, lows of 58."

PD202-206. Disparate dames

A young porno star name of Sue
Was a hit when it came to a screw
Her climactic fame spread
With promotions that read,
"Coming Soon at a Theatre Near You”.

There was a young virgin named Lynn
Who thought getting fucked was a sin
At least, that's the ruse
She attempted to use
Only moments before giving in.

Timid Tim wed a virgin named Heather.
She was shy when they cuddled together
But the first time they stripped
He got hogtied and whipped
By a thigh-booted bitch in black leather!

A toothsome young starlet named Smart
Was asked to display oral art
As the price for a role.
She complied, met his goal
By sinking her teeth in the part.

Said a coed from Duke University
When asked about sexual diversity,
"Oh, screwing’s okay
In the old fashioned way,
But I do like a touch of perversity."

1929. Italian rapscallion

Louis Prima would sing, "Oh, Marie!"
In Las Vegas, New Orleans, Paris
His act was gigantic
With jazz-style real frantic
You'd get a complete pot pourri.

1928. Pianist on the plains

When hearing pianist Tom Lanners
Some students don't have the best manners
'Tween movements, start clapping
(Awaking those napping)
While others display football banners.

OSU is more renowned for its athletics than its music department.  Dr. Lanners may change that.

1927. Bitchin' to the kitchen

I hate to say this to ya face
But this is some bad bouillabaise
You must let it simmer
This shrimp's still a swimmer!
When making it, what?  Do ya race?

1926. Distresses from tresses

A woman I once chanced to charm
Stripped down and it gave me alarm
Her fright'ning mons veneris 
Was surely sui generis
Those pubes were as long as my arm!
Perhaps it was "Louise" from the last one found here...

1925. Set in my ways

Folks gen'rally raise my suspicions
When their emails contain disquisitions
With words, please don't bludgeon
This ancient curmudgeon
It's doubtful you'll change my positions.

1924. An un-inveigled virgin?

"Why is it that you act so vain
And refuse me a screw to obtain?
It's hard to get naughty
With someone so haughty
Do tell -- have you ever been lain?"
(I know, it's 'laid.')

1923. Thatcher reward, boys

Tom Sawyer's best friend was named Huck
Each tried getting Becky to fuck
She'd steadfastly refuse
To give either some cooze
But she didn't mind having a suck.
 

1922. Vet your pet

Cats are black, white, striped, calico, gray
Dogs, too, come in quite an array
But even if  umber
They're too great in number
Blest be the pet owner who'll spay.

Everyone is familiar with bumper stickers saying 

      I ♥ NY

 I think veterinarians ought to give out ones reading 

      I ♠ my dog

1921. Oral fixation

Vacationing on a cruise ship,
I got elderly Polly to strip
She took out her dentures
Before our adventures
Then gave me the old Poligrip.™

1920. A part of aging

Ev'ry day I take six pills or more
They're procured from my local drug store
When I rise, green, pink, red
And then, just before bed,
Two plain white and one blue with a score.

1919. Sicky and picky

Astride a new boy in the abbey
The Monsignor grew rather crabby,
"I know that you're young
But I wish that your bung
Weren't so tight -- I prefer 'em more flabby."

1918. I think her singing's spoor

Like Ella, J-Lo has grown fat
(Although most of her weight's in her prat)
I would not call it jazz
But she certainly has
A strong penchant for singing some scat.

1917. Tatas bulbous

No tits are quite like those of Helen's
What I'd pay just to peek at her melons!
Both her boobs and behind
Can bring rape into mind
They're enough to turn men into felons.

1916. Should've curbed his enthusiasm

While street-preaching outside a bar
Mike stepped forth to be heard afar
But being so garrulous
Turned out quite perilous
Michael got hit by a car.

OP230. Does this suit you?

The hooker's a looker, Miss Tucker
If bought at the beach, you could fuck her
And when with a prophet
Can't keep her mouth off it
At sea you can see a seersucker.

1915. Something in common with Arabs

At language, I'm usually deft
But Hebrew just leaves me bereft
When I go to Haifa
I can't for the life o'
Me make myself read right to left.
Imagine trying to sing it; notes go L-R, words R-L!

1914. My merry-time member

A French girl I'd tried hard to nail
Told me, finally, I could assail
Her twat.  It smelled fishy,
That pussy from Vichy,
So I used my massive sperm whale.

1913. Sadat's what happened next

There once was a woman from Vassar
Who hosted Gamal Abdel Nasser
His hair was so oily
She crocheted a doily
To use as an antimacassar.
Nasser was president of Egypt 1956-1970.  Anwar Sadat succeeded him.

1912. Call a doctor? Why?!

Men get wide-eyed by Viagra's lore
About hard-ons that last up to four
Hours, but if it came true
I would know what to do:
Screw at least ten times, maybe a score!

OP229. Mad about, not at you

Follower S.H. from Nanaimo, BC placed first in last week's Mad Kane Limerick-Off with this clever entry.  It won out over 87 other entrants!  Congrats, Suz!

For church, we’ve got no time to spend
And the sermons we don’t comprehend
So I set up a dummy
Of me and my mummy
We tend to pretend we attend.

The word to be rhymed was any of three.  She used 'em all in L5!!

1911. He had to settle for a cactus jack

There once was a man from La Jolla
Whose pecker had spines like a cholla
Although he tried shaving it
The girls were not craving it
They said, "It is hard to enjolla."

1910. When I say 'screw,' I mean it

There was an odd fellow named Phil
Who could give all the girls a real thrill
For he had a peenie
Shaped like a Bernini
Curled column.  It felt like a drill!

Picture is from inside St. Peter's Basilica,  Click for more detail, then hit Esc to return here.

1909. My titles' pungent aromas

I feel that I often do cram
My puns down your throats just like spam
See, I'm filled with ambition
And seek recognition
(My surname is ended with 'ham.')

Being a middle-child probably contributes to my need for attention.

1908. Toponym town?

I think you should open a store
Where the men would pay up 'fore they'd score
If you'll put it in Pakistan
Then I just might back ya, man
So long as you build in Lahore.
Damn, I wish that 'a' were long.

1907. Not so thankful with my tank full

The weather report calls for "murky"
So I'll stay inside eating turkey
Appetite like a gator's
Means dressing and 'taters
Will stuff me 'til I don't feel perky.

Happy Thanksgiving, USA!  Canadian followers celebrate it the 2nd Monday of October.

1906. If you catch my drip

A Welshman named Lloyd Llewellyn
Developed a keen sense of smellyn
He once passed a hall
In the town of Porthcawl
And remarked, "Girls do more here than dwellyn."

1905. Medically, it's an addadicktomy

There once was a maiden named Millie
Who wished she'd been born with a willie
Had a doctor attach
One in place of her snatch
But he left on her tits; she looks silly.

1904. Fleming Flailings

A South Belgian man, a Walloon,
Goes to bars but he's just a poltroon
When invited outside
This past weekend, he cried,
"Not right now.  How 'bout 31 June?"

Sorry.  That was sort of phlegmish, wasn't it?

1903. Take a bow. Please.

An odd musical man did astound
He played violin with a new sound
Dropping trou, stroked the strings
With his pecker and things
And just fiddledy-farted around.

1902. Was his birth year

John Steinbeck wrote well and it showed
His "Grapes of Wrath" featured Tom Joad
Okies felt lots of scorn
Headed toward Californ'
Which they reached by the old "Mother Road."
That's Route 66, almost entirely replaced by Interstates now.

1900-1901. Weird but revered

At interpreting Bach, one guy ruled
(In Canada he had been schooled)
His Goldbergs*, done twice
Were exceedingly nice
For you who don't know, 'twas Glenn Gould.

He often would hum as he'd play
And off-key!  He was strange in his day
Fugue, prelude, partita
None else played one neata
Whenever I hear, I "hurray!"

* J.S. Bach's famed Goldberg Variations.  Gould recorded (piano) two huge-selling, hugely-different interpretations of this fantastic work.

OP228. Not child's play

Another one based off an old joke.

An Elmo doll made with a dick'll
Have the factory put in a pickle
Said the boss, in a funk:
"Those with junk, they are junk.
I said, 'Twice give the doll a test tickle.'"

1899. They left sapped

There once was a vamp who was vapid
She loved men with strokes that were rapid
But her fav'rites were those
Guys with dicks like fire hose
When they'd pull out, her pussy just gapped.

OP227. Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!

One day, my depraved younger brother

Met up with a simian mother

The sex was quite wild

Now they're having a child

And are trying again for another.

1898. More kudos

I also touted Mr. Mayer (say 'Myer') in #625.
When playing his oboe, Al Mayer
From me can't get praise any higher
If the phil from Berlin
Gives a concert, drop in!
He will prove that this Phil is no liar.

1897. Mal content

There once was a barber named Malcolm
Who'd pat you with powder called talcum
When done, he would whisk
You in manner quite brisk
If you thanked him, he'd mutter, "You're walcome."

1896. Flux incapacitator

If loose bowels strike, the mighty and meek'll
Both suffer when making their fecal
Deposits in loos
And they'd all rather choose
That their turds didn't trickle like treacle.

PD201. It's been tried

A practicing young gynecologist
Was a cunningly shrewd ideologist
Thought he, "Anesthesia
Will bring on amnesia
And patients will never recall a tryst!"

OP226. Poopoo platter

It's not sexual, but it is exceedingly gross.

I really could not tell you why
This fellow would choose to comply.
I'd have thought it was best
To ignore this request
But he didn't. 'Twas "Eat shit and die."

My favorite limerick joke

If you've been reading recent comments you know that there is an unofficial competition between David Reddekopp and me to see who can write the least-socially-redeeming limerick.  I'm reminded of a wonderful joke, told me by America's funniest and most-talented wordsmith, Richard Lederer.

A guy entered a dirty limerick contest with a $1,000 prize for the filthiest one.  He wrote a really nasty one -- just disgusting -- and sent it in but it didn't win.

Incredulous that someone could have written a limerick that was even dirtier than his, he called the sponsor of the contest to make sure his own submission had been received.  "Oh, yes," said the man, "and it came in 2nd but there was only one prize."

"Yes, I know that, but I just can't believe mine lost!  Would you mind mailing me a copy of the winning entry?"

"No way!  If the postal authorities got their hands on it, I'd surely be imprisoned!"

"Well, then, read it to me over the phone."

"Gosh, no!  Someone might be listening in and they'd report me!"

"Well, can you at least give me some idea of its filthiness?"

"How about I read you the least-offensive word, but then hang up quickly so this call can't be traced.  Are you ready?
 
"Shoot."

"OK... here goes.

Duh-duh-DUH, duh-duh-DUH, duh-duh-DUH
Duh-duh-DUH, duh-duh-DUH, duh-duh-DUH
Duh-duh-DUH, duh-duh-DUH,
Duh-duh-DUH, duh-duh-DUH,
Duh-duh-DUH, duh-duh-DUH, duh-duh-CUNT."

1895. How to make a woman scream twice

Start by saying, "I hope you like rapes,"
Then reel out your cock 'til she gapes
Now become really crass --
Fuck her hard in the ass
When you're done, wipe your dick on her drapes.

1894. Breaking down BJ's

What's the diff'rence 'tween love and true love
And "just showin off" by your dove?
If she spits, her love's plain
If she swallows, she'll reign,
But to gargle?  Beyond and above!

OP225. This suitor shucks

As long as we're telling spoonerism jokes (comments on OP224), I wrote a limerick based on one.  You should find it pretty easily.  It also qualifies over at Mad's this week.

The mafia paid him to snipe
But the marksman could not match the hype
Unlike the poor owl
Plugged up in his bowel
He'd shoot, but not hit, so they'd gripe.

1893. Non-family friendly

Have you recently watched Family Feud?
Host Steve Harvey's incredibly crude!
Things he says with a leer
You hope kids do not hear
I am shocked even though I'm no prude.

OP224. Drink every drop

Suzanne wanted me to do a limerick with "swallow" in it.  She may be rethinking that now.

I say oral sex is quite hollow
If my partner refuses to swallow
If the ink from my dink
Winds up in the sink
There's no furious fucking to follow.

OP223. Dirty money

As Canadian coins start to trickle
The censors are caught in a pickle
For the prudes in their pride
Are hoping to hide
The beaver displayed on the nickel.

PD199-200. Some strings attached

An eccentric young boy, name of Billy
Got his kicks tying strings round his willie
But one fateful night
He tied them too tight
And since then he's been known as "Millie."

There once was a man who played ping-pong
With the paddle tied onto his ding-dong
But the string was too tense
And the swelling immense
Now all the girls know him as King-Kong.

1892. What a boor

When the Lord God created Don Trump
It was kinda like He took a dump
Yes, when God pinched that loaf
We wound up with an oaf
Who we hope will soon get off the stump.

1891. Rear admirals

Proctologists look up the rectum
Men's prostates they feel to inspect 'em
These probes up the ass
Cause some guys to pass gas
As for gays, never fails to erect 'em.

1890. A tocque'n blackguard

There once was a chef born in Surrey
Whose specialties always used curry 
And when he would spatulate
He sometimes would flatulate --
The kitchen staff left in a hurry.

1889. Which hurt worse?

When kids of the past skinned their knees
They would cry, "Mommy, make it well, please."
If she reached for merthiolate
The sore grew inviolate
"It's fine, Mom, those tears were a tease."

Tincture of Merthiolate and/or Mercurochrome were always on hand in our medicine cabinet.  I can't adequately explain how it stung when poured on a cut!  This woman does a good job at her blog:

1887-1888. Isle admit I used to watch

Cried Gilligan, "Hey, I spy land!"
In a jiffy the lifeboat was manned
Planned as a diversion,
The Minnow's excursion
Found nothing but palm trees and sand.

Oh, my, Ginger's body was grand!
Did The Prof ever get "Mary Anned"?
The Howells and The Skipper
Remained very chipper
For reruns, just watch TV-Land.

1886. AKA "changing teams"

A December bride didn't take long
To discover she didn't like dong
This old Saggitarian
Turned vagitarian
Dumped the guy, sang a new song.

1885. Just say, "You're fired!"

November's 1st Tuesday is here
Know what that will mean in one year?
On that day we will vote us
A new four-year POTUS*
If Donald Trump wins, better fear.
* President of the United States

1884. She found nothing suite about it

Nearly nude, and on sun's rays a'feasting
Immodest Sue suffered a bee sting
It first came to rest
On one ample bare breast
But it struck near a hair on her G-string.
JS Bach's Orchestral Suite #3 includes the famed "Air on the G-string."

1883. Well, fugit

It's November.  My!  How this year's flown
I would guess that I am not alone
In my feeling that time
Flies the most "past one's prime"
And I'm definitely in that zone.

1882. Would I Shih Tzu?

Most store watchdogs in China allow
You to purchase a sword known as "dao"
But unlike a sharpei
Just take it as Carpe
Diem when you hear growl of chow.

1881. Insatiable itinerant

A Polish call-girl used all modes
Of transport to reach johns' abodes
And one town in particular
Got visits vehicular
It's said that she took on all Łódź.
I really wanted that pun to rhyme, but Lodz is pronounced, "Wootch" (sort of.)  Shall I take a Pole on whether to leave it?

1879-1880. Ennui go

A very bored spinster named Schmidt
Told a suitor, "Sex ain't worth a shit.
I suppose if you want
You may lap at my cunt
But I won't get turned on, not one bit."

Well, he took up the challenge and licked
Even checked if she liked being dicked
But despite his travails
She lay buffing her nails
As her smoldering cig'rette she flicked.

1878. A musing for Mac

A good friend and drinking buddy (neither often nor much) went to the hospital Monday night with a blood clot in his lung!  I visited him Tuesday and delivered this poem. 

Heard you had ‘pulmonary thrombosis’
Hope it can’t be passed on thru osmosis!
‘Cause I’ve brought you this poem,
Now get up and show ‘em
You haven’t acquired (yet) cirrhosis!

1877. Lackademia

At a college, it's "Publish or Perish"
So long as the books don't embarrish.
One with lim'ricks like mine
Would be way out of line
They are dirty or silly or garish.

1876. Dark days, those...

The centennial of US birth
Didn't bring on a whole lot of mirth
With finances in panic
'Twas not 'til Titanic
That something came worse on this earth.
The Panic of 1873 lasted at least six more years.  This was known as "The Great Depression" until Oct. 29, 1929 began the ten-year-long crisis which usurped the label.

1875. For blackmail or evaluation?

A hooker from West Lithuania
Performed ev'ry act with a mania
Fucked and sucked in her car
Filmed with old VCR
And re-played on a beat-up Sylvania.

1874. What a cretan!

A vulgar performer from Crete
Whose act was a bit indiscreet
Would take off his shoes
To a chorus of boos
And then jack himself off with his feet.

1872-1873. Precautions at Kitty Hawk

Wright brothers set up on Cape Hatteras
Will asked, "What if rain storms should batter us?"
Orville said in reply,
"Oh, don't sweat it.  Let's fly.
We came here so people would flatter us!"

"But what if the winds really tatter us?"
Said Wilbur, "Or worse, kill and scatter us?
Orv: "If comes hurricane
Then to hell with our plane
We'll go hide ourselves under a matteress!"

1871. Rejuvenated? We'll see...

I took some days off, feeling dumb
And enslaved, as if under a thumb
For words, at a loss,
If they came, seemed like dross
Four days later, fuck that!  Here I come!

1869-70. The well is dry (temporarily?)

This 'blog has become quite a test
So I'm taking some days off to rest
Look for me in a bar
'Cause I need R&R
If you want me to rhyme at my best

Yes, I think it is time to refrain
From the everyday strain on my brain
Caused by writing these poems
About such and so ums
Else you'd flush my crap down the drain.

OP222. What a crafter!

Reader Suzanne from Nanaimo, B.C. on Vancouver Island had this comment to #1869:
Another big round of more laughter
Beats another big round of drinks after
You're able to rhyme
Teach at the same time
You're a scholar who helps those much dafter.

 Thanks, Suz.  You've written an awesome verse!

OP221. Turning Twix

The word of the week at Mad's is "score".  Homonyms are allowed.

"Oh, Henry", says Candy, the whore
She Snickers, "Would you like to Skor?
For a modest PayDay
You'll have your Milky Way."
But his Aero has hurt her; she's sore.

1868. Sucked in

My girlfriend is dumb, how propitious!
For I told her that sperm is nutritious
Well, she swallowed that line
And my wad, which was fine
'Cause she now thinks my semen's delicious!

1867. No more outraging pubic decency

Bluenoses thought Playboy was rude
For exposing girls totally nude
But according to Hef
The gals now will be lef'
With some clothes on (I hope just a snood.)

Actually, it was according to Scott Flanders, the company's chief executive.  He said that the onslaught of Internet pornography has made the nude images in Playboy "passé."

1866. Mammorial

My wife shan't be laid to her rest
We've agreed that cremation is best
I wrote this: "Undertaker,
Before you should bake 'er
One thing -- will you keep me abreast?"

1865. King of curmudgeons

Eighteen sixty five gets people thinkin'
Of the endings of war and of Lincoln
And had we all been born
Could have read words of scorn
From acerbic newsman H. L. Mencken.

Once again, my verse's number has influenced its subject matter.  Incidentally, Mencken wasn't born until 1880.

1864. Rosie: Can't rivet 'er

A woman in heavy construction
Would give horny workers some suction
In the cab of her truck
But she never would fuck
Due to fear it might cause reproduction.

1863. Bathtub racing? Weird!

Reader Suzanne is from a city on Vancouver Island.  Google my final word to understand(?) the title.
Label makers from company DYMO
Might be used in commission of crime, oh!
They resemble a gun
With a trigger that's fun
For creating town names like 'Nanaimo.'

OP220. The solution to our gun problem

How many more lives must we lose?
Someone's shot every day on the news
So I think, just for fun
I should take every gun
And instead swap them out for some gnus.

PD198. Dave's OP216 reminded me of this

There once was a woman named Pratt
Who had triplets named Tom, Tit, and Tat
Much fun was the breeding,
The trouble was feeding
For there was just no tit for tat.

PD197. Welcome, Suzanne!

Though this one's from the Public Domain, today's titular (don'tcha love that word?) honoree -- a Canuck -- should be posting here soon. 

There once was a maid in Vancouver
Whose mouth was a 100-amp Hoover
She did her jobs well
But men found they were hell
Once she finished they couldn't remove her.

1862. Asian invasion

I'm watching the President's Cup
Only one USA team is 'up'
They can hit the greens, but
Seems that no Yank can putt --
As in Ryder, our butts they may whup.

US led 4-1 after Day 1.  As of this writing, (halfway thru Day 2) the five matches stand 1-3-1, with the 3 belonging to the Int'l. team.
My title is misleading -- most of the damage is being done by Aussies and South Africans.

1861. Tres gay play

Joe picked up a queer; 'though 'twas reckless, he
Saw something he didn't expect to see
When the fag did fellate
He was really top-rate
With a tongue-stud that left Joe in ecstasy.

OP218-219. Welcome, Zelda!

I've gained many penpals through AWAD.  One of them is an 83-year-old American woman now living in Israel.
AWAD's theme this week is 'birds' and Zelda plans to submit these to the weekly compendium.  I think they'll get ink!

I never had heard of the gannet
So I typed it in Google and ran it.
Whether human or avian
At food it's 'behavian'
Disgustingly.  I say, let's ban it.

The plump, long-billed bird called the snipe
Gave its name to a mean, sneaky type
Of a shot or attack
Or a stab in the back,
Though the snipe's not a bird of that stripe.

1860. With aplomb and a palm

There once was a fellow named Greene
Whose dick had a marvelous sheene
He did it by stroking
(You may think I'm joking)
It twelve times a day -- how obsceene!

1857-1859. Ducks redux

Like oysters?  First someone must shuck
Before off the half-shell you can suck
To avoid a fiasco
Don't add much Tabasco
Or into the restroom you'll duck.

Need insurance for when you've no luck?
Are you tired, as I am, of that duck?
Yes, the fowl from Aflac
Makes us all want to whack
It.  (That gecko too -- both of them suck.)

If you're poor as that old Friar Tuck
But you're planning a dinner of duck
There's a place to buy wine
That is cheap but tastes fine --
Trader Joe's, where they sell Two Buck Chuck.

1856. I canardly believe I said it

Took my date to Le Cirque (hoped to fuck)
Waiter asked, "Would you care for the duck?"
I replied with a jest
And said, "Only if pressed"
Which increased my post prandial luck.

1855. Coach Tomlin was more at fault

The Steelers' place-kicker named Scobee
Twice kicked the ball left (toward Nairobi)
Ravens shoulda been done
But Josh ruined our fun
For a kicker, I'd rather have Kobe.

Last Thursday night was a debacle.

1854. Another 'chow' entry

After eating five plates of Kung Pao
Constipation attacked Chairman Mao
When to john he would strut
Only farts would he cut --
The Chinese term for it's 'hung chow.'

OP217. By Tim James via Mad Kane's site

The contest challenge this week is to rhyme chow or ciao.  I am no seer, but something tells me this one will be the winner, even though my #1850 and Dave's OP215 are solid entries.  Mr. James is just one of several worthy competitors THERE.

For a call girl she likes simple chow
But she charges a grand to drop trou
For a night’s worth of vice.
Here’s her totaled-up price:
Jug of wine, loaf of bread, and a thou.

OP216. What's tat?

A vibrant young vixen named Viv
Said "Tit for tat - that's how I live."
So I surmise that
She gets lots of tat
For everything she's got to give.

OP215. My farewell verse

In case you don't know it by now
I'm leaving, but I don't know how
To say it.  I'll try
I'm no good at goodbye
So in lieu of "adieu", I'll say "ciao!"

Relax, I'm not going anywhere.  But if I ever write a book of these, it'd be the perfect limerick to end on.  Also, it qualifies for this week's contest.

1853. Doing right from the left

Just a banjo, no need for a band
As the embers of justice he fanned
Folk music's more meager
Since losing Pete Seeger
He "hammered all over this land."

1852. My kind of Miss

At the movie she sure hadn't plannned
On the place where her right hand did land
It was dark, couldn't see,
Meant to just pat his knee
But she missed and gave strokes to his gland.

1851. Upstaging Reddekopp

We're saying 'goodbye' to the Pope
He chastised those bad priests who grope
Still, you'd better not cower
With one in the shower
And certainly, don't drop the soap!

Poster David Reddekopp is this blog's resident atheist and has written many limericks here that (deservedly) lambaste pederastic priests, the Westboro (Topeka) Baptist Church, and religious hypocrisy in general.

1850. Wop would you have done?

Three months ago I did allow
An Italian to fuck me, and how!
Just bumped into that Dago
And heard her say, "Prego"
I turned tail and ran yelling, "Ciao!"

Please forgive the racial slurs.  Not much else rhymes with 'prego,' which I wanted to use for the double entendre.

PD193-196. Borderline bawdy

There was a young woman named Pat
Who offered to do this or that
When speaking of 'this'
She meant more than a kiss
So imagine her meaning of 'that!'

In anything written by Dickens,
It's certain the plot always thickens;
With characters, themes
And digressions it teems;
As for sex, though, it's mighty slim pickin's.

Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
Was to do what man norm'ly does,
She declared, "I'm a Soul
Not a sexual goal!"
So he shrugged and called someone who was.

 You must get it up, to begin.
 Or else, you will not get it in.
 If you will allow
 I will just show you how:
 Keep your head down - and aim for the pin.

1849. The Big Boffer

A girl I know couldn't be purtier
But also, she couldn't be flirtier
She will fuck any cat
At the drop of a hat
Her behavior could hardly be dirtier.
I'm dating myself by using 'cat' to refer to a guy.  It went out of 'slang lang' about 1962.

1848. Lured like lemmings

Muslim millions head off to the Haj
In the crowd-crush there's no place to dodge
Why is it they trek a
Long way into Mecca
To die in a crazy hodge-podge?

1847. I'm readily redolent

Quoth The Bard, "Sorrow's sweet when we part"
Oscar Wilde said, "Life imitates art"
But despite all my culture
The smell brings a vulture
Whenever I cut a big fart.

1846. It's over.

Goodbye to the great Yogi Berra
He managed a ball diamond's terra
Firma like no one could
No buffoon, he was good!
His death brings an end to an era.

He will be remembered both for his "Yogi-isms" ('It ain't over 'til it's over', 'When you come to a fork in the road, take it', 'Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded') and also for his sparkling playing career -- 3 MVPs, 10 World Series wins, 15 straight years as an All-Star.

One of my favorite Yogi stories claims that, during Spring Training, the Yankees were invited to a party hosted by a St. Petersburg social club.  A woman approached Yogi and said, "Mr. Berra, you certainly look cool in that seersucker suit."  Yogi replied, "Thank you ma'am.  You don't look too hot yourself."

OP214. A fairy tale ending

The gift that we gave her was grand
She no longer relied on her hand
On the sofa sat Alice
With vibrating phallus
And Alice was in Wonderland.

1845. "The Stud," "The Bitch," et al.

So long, R.I.P., Jackie Collins,
You wrote smut like a slut from New Awlins
But now that you've died
Guess I shouldn't deride,
You made millions by writin' of ballin's.

She died Sept. 19, 2015 of  breast cancer.

1843-1844. One hundred thirty-eight*

"Let's do like so many before us --
Suck my cock as I lick your clitoris
Then, after we've spent,
I will savor a mint
While you gargle and rinse with Lavoris."

Said she, "You're pronouncing it wrong --
I mean that nub under my thong.
I'll flavor my clitoris
With oils made of cit(uh)rus,
Tongue-flick it while I suck your dong."
* That's two 69's.

1842. A mashed potatoes must

When the roast's been removed from the pot
Pour in beef stock (but not a whole lot)
Sprinkle flour for a roux
Stir in salt, pepper too
Lick the spoon, say, "Good gravy!"  (Or not.)

OP213. The show won't go on

The star was upset, went berserk
She thought that her boss was a jerk
"Would Hannah Montana
Play second banana?"
Now Miley's on strike.  She won't twerk.

God, I hate that word...  Bit of a dated reference, but it makes the limerick work.

OP212. Not street smart

He humped her quite hard; never slowed
And later he let loose his load.
But then, they were struck
By an oncoming truck
They shouldn't have forked in the road.

OP211. A hump in the rump

My date was a bit of a plumper
No matter. She said I could pump her
Though some find it heinous
To fuck in the anus
I don't, so I drilled in her dumper.

1841. Conscientious objection

The bride's mom at a wedding reception
Said, "Let's fuck, I brought 'long contraception."
Now I rarely eschew
A gratuitous screw
But in that case, I made an exception.

1837-1840. A maze made of maize

Recently, Mad Kane's contest word was 'maze' or 'amaze' (or a homophone,)
It's summertime; I love to laze
By the pool on a plastic-strap chaise
Longue hours I oft lay there
With fat on display there
From gobbling Lays chips made of maize.

It's a known fact that horses can't graze
Whenever they're hooked up to shays
But once they're unbridled
You may find they've sidled
Right up to a manger of maize.

Drugged-up suspects ne'er cease to amaze
Even after police have to tase
Them to get them subdued
They're combative and rude
Acting crazed in a meth-induced daze.

When my old eyes upon a gal gaze
And I ask, "How about a few lays?"
Even if she says, "Yes,"
Once she's out of her dress
There's a diff'rence between 'cans' and 'mays.'

1836. A college boy's best friend*

A wealthy young frat boy named Biff
Relies wholly on Notes made by Cliff
Wasting no time for study
He found a fuck buddy
Who loves having Biff in her quiff.
*I bet you were thinking I meant "CliffsNotes."

1835. The secret's out

David Reddekopp -- you'll prob'ly think this lim is about you.
At a party Dave acted urbane
But it went against one woman's grain
He wore a cravat
In the shade 'apricot'
And it made Carly sing, "You're So Vain."

Click --->  Sorry Mick, et al.

1834. I've heard an alum douche also works

One old bag I know has an agenda;
Wants to tighten her saggy pudenda
Right now, each orgasm
Occurs in a chasm
Wide 'nuf to be walked by Wallenda!

OP210. Fairy dairy

This wasn't originally intended to be an acrostic, but I made it one because I could.

Peter picked a few pals of his ilk
Each had drinks, which went down smooth as silk
Not from cartons, of course
It was straight from the source
So, the beverage of choice?  Homo milk.

1833. Little toe, Big trouble

I suppose you have heard of Paul Bunyan
Did you know he once grew a large bunion?
It required seven whacks
To remove with his ax
Because it was the size of an onion.
Forgive my homophones ending L1 & L2.

1832. She named him 'Sirius'*

A gal bought a golden retriever
She found none of her friends would believe 'er
When she said, "It is true
I will not let him screw
Me but damn, can that doggie lick beaver!"
* He is her dog star.

1831. Can we go already?

Somehow it's become my sad lot
To live with a woman who's not
In the least bit decisive
I yell things derisive
Like, "Shit or get off o' the pot!"

1830. Mouth-organ music

A newlywed pair, James and Jan,
Figured pleasure was just for the man
Until one evening, Jim
Tongued her clit and her quim
And she came like so few women can.

OP209. More than I bargained for

A fifty to fuck, she would claim
My bulge she'd indulge 'til I came
I wish I'd known sooner
(To borrow from Spooner)
For nude, she's a dude, a sham dame.

1829. One-hit wonder?

Many pieces by Edward MacDowell
Cause discomfort way down in the bowel
But for "To a Wild Rose"
He'd have had no new clothes
And he might have just thrown in the towel.
I probably shouldn't pooh-pooh his other works for the piano.  It's just that I've never heard any of them!

1828. Anutter problem

True story.  Picture how skimpy basketball shorts used to be.
While competing in junior high hoops
My jock strap lost one of its loops
And while I'm not tree-length
'Twas long before knee-length
Shorts.  Out drooped my dong, I said, "Oops!"

Since those short shorts are often now referred to as "nutters," I intended my title to be read as "A nutter problem.  I suppose it could also be seen as "An utter problem" besides the punned-upon "Another."

1826-1827. Vein, vain, or vane at Kane

When you're having abdominal pain
Before cat-scan, you get dye in vein
This helps them to see
Why it hurts when you pee
And insures that you won't die in vain.

I stood on my roof in the rain
Showing off my Bean clothes made in Maine
Wife yelled, "This is fright'ning!
What if there's some lightning?
I cannot believe you're so vane."

1825. Annoy boy

Old joke:
Q. What's grey and comes in quarts?
A. An elephant.  
I know of a Jew who's named Jeter
He's no "short" stop -- this guy has a peter
That's, in a word, huge
And although he's a noodge
When he comes, he shoots more than a liter.

And another:
Q: Why do elephants have four feet?
A: They'd look ridiculous with 6 inches.

1824. Re: OP208 (below)

Dave pooh-poohed his vic'try, but shouldn't
Ninety vied for first prize but we couldn't
Out do him.  All zealots,
But Dave's take on prelates
Meant that, as for winning, we wouldn't.

Outstanding achievement, David Reddekopp!  I have been entering Mad Kane's Limerick-offs for at least a month longer than you and have yet to garner the top prize. 

You worked in some great alliteration in lines 3 and 5, and put both alliteration AND asonance into L2 with, "priest's not policed," but the overall story, rhyme, and that final word double entendre is, imo, what won it for you.  I'm humbled, yet proud at the same time, as I think of you as a former student.  You need no further help.  Congratulations!! 

OP208. Getting off

This verse won me the latest Limerick-Off at Mad Kane's site (a first for me).  I was as surprised as anyone.

To me, it won't cease to amaze
How a priest's not policed for his ways
When he buggers boys' butts?  
Reassignment. That's nuts!
And the priest, he still preaches, and preys.

1823. Let me potty (mouth) train you

It is possible that you've not heard
Of the French word for shit; it is merde
How int'resting that
Their expression for scat
Would seemingly rhyme with our 'turd.'
But it doesn't.  They pronounce it "maird."

1818-1821. English composers

Mad Kane's weekly "limerick-offs" have been providing me lots of fodder for the past 3 months, and much enjoyment.  Last week, her theme word was "dash" and the three best competitors - Adam Stern, Brian Allgar, and Will T. Laughlin - joined me in posting some ditties on Brit composers.  Most of those "extra added attractions" didn't have the 'dash' tie in, but Ms. Kane, a former concert oboist, approved and let us keep going.  Here are just a few, with mine in black print:

   A Brit for a bit (1901-1914)
Born Aussie, the great Percy Grainger
Sailed for Frankfurt, then London, what dainger!
He needn't ask pardons
For his Country Gardens
'Cause Lincolnshire Posy was strainger.

    Another Aussie ex-pat
Arthur Benjamin's Storm Cloud Cantata
Made Doris Day scream in vibrata
I should mention in passin'
She foiled an assassin
I guess if ya gotta, ya gotta.
"Storm" was the piece being played at Albert Hall in "The Man Who Knew Too Much."

Adam Stern's next one read,
Our survey is herewith appended:
Gerard Schurmann is most recommended.
His chamber and choral
Works yield rewards aural;
The six “Bacon Studies” are splendid.

My reply was,
I didn't know nuthin' of Schurmann
But I do know that old Bernard Herrmann
Wrote much music for Hitch
With dark leitmotifs which
Labeled characters who were the vermin.

Stern came back with this:
Further to Phil’s last (and even within the bounds of this week’s contest strictures!):
The assassin in question was brash
In assuming the cymbalist’s crash
Would conceal his foul crime,
But Day’s scream forced the slime-
Bag to flee (one might say: Nalder-dash!).
(The would-be assassin in Hitchcock’s 1956 remake of  “The Man Who Knew Too Much” was portrayed by Reggie Nalder.)

My final one mentions the march writer, Kenneth J. Alford.  Colonel Bogey gained fame as the one whistled by the prisoners in the movie, "Bridge on the River Kwai."
Alford wrote Colonel Bogey (not swill)
And Art Sullivan's songs bring a thrill
I'd try one on Handel
But can't hold a candel
To Adam and Brian and Will.

1817. Study in red

At a showing of art by Matisse
I picked up a girl named Denise
Though she's riding the rag
We're proceeding to shag --
I call her my period piece.

1816. Sweet swisher*

A queer's walk is so often prancy
With language and clothes that are fancy.
Add in flair for high fashion
And lust for males' passion,
No wonder he gets called a "Nancy."
*Swisher Sweets is a brand of cheap cigars, smoked by ?

1815. Tran man

A well-endowed fellow named Curt
Liked dressing in heels, blouse and skirt
He would romance the guys
But they'd see through his lies
For his dick hung down, dragging the dirt.

1814. Pugnacity post hoc

An American gen'ral named Andy
Whipped the British in manner quite handy
'Twas outside New Orleans
And it didn't mean beans --
War had ended yet still he was dandy!
Unbeknownst to Andrew Jackson, the Treaty of Ghent ending The War of 1812 had already been signed on the day (12/24/1814) the famed Battle of New Orleans began.  The battle lasted until January 18th, 1815.

1813. Random wrap-up (for me, anyway)

Though acrostics aren't really my forte
Dave's reverse-order one made me snort
Perhaps my mind's hazy
Or I am just lazy
But they aren't my way to cavort.

 You're welcome to keep doing 'em, Dave, but I'm gonna move on.

OP206-207. Bottoms up!

I may be getting carried away with this.

Never one from a challenge to shrink
When it's limerick writing, I think
Opportunity knocks
Dave is outside the box
Each acrostic drives me to the brink

Does this verse look as awesome as any?
Is one more acrostic too many?
Seems this here incursion
Provides an inversion
Unplanned? No, but not worth a penny.

1809-12. Dash it all

With your imprimatur, I'll dash
Off these lines as if wanting a sash
To drape o'er my right shoulder
Which reads, "Mr. Bolder"
(I'm speaking of 5-liners brash.)

Told a date, "I will settle your hash,
Pull your pants down, I'll warm up your gash."
And, lickety-split,
I then sprinkled her clit
With Tabasco (but only a dash.)

By the goal posts she waved from her Nash
I thought, "Great! Gonna get me some gash!"
I arrived, loins on fire
But 'twas just a flat tire
What a waste of a hundred yard dash.

A dad gave his teen son a lash
Also grounded him, cut off his cash
Kid had cleaned the wet spot
Tossed the condoms he'd bought
But had missed her footprints on pop's dash.
Obviously, this week's Mad word was 'dash.'

OP205. Not enough?

More fun with acrostics, addressing #1804 in particular.

Phil, I find your verse left me impressed
It eluded me first, then I guessed
Will I ever have hope
To eclipse you? Well, nope
And this rhyme may be less than my best.

1808. Incognito fan

I wish I could figure out who
Comes to visit here from Mountain View
64 233
172 133
Is the IP that always comes through.
Every week or so this Californian drops in.  I appreciate the loyalty but wish I knew your name so I could say 'thanks!'  According to my StatCounter, you were just online.  Please email me -- limericist@cox.net -- and let's get acquainted (or are we already?)

1807. The operative word is "dreamin'"

I went on a date, wound up beamin'
She was everything I had been dreamin'
First removing her denture,
She sucked my 6 incher
Then swallowed my hot shots of semen.

1806. America's finest fighters

Air Force Boot Camp gets over so soon
That marines think all airmen would swoon
And would greatly embarrass
If on island Parris,
So Lackland they call "Camp Jejune."
All USAF recruits spend their 8 weeks of basic training at Lackland AFB, San Antonio.  USMC recruits spend 13 weeks at either Parris Island, South Carolina or San Diego.  After boot camp, some marines are sent to Camp Lejeune, North Carolina for further combat training.

1805. A slippery slope

This limerick was inspired by an anecdote about Groucho Marx:
He was having problems sexually -- premature ejaculation.  Someone recommended a topical creme guaranteed to prolong erection.  When asked later whether it worked, Groucho reported, "I came rubbing the stuff on."

A virgin who wanted my rod
Had a really tight cunt in her bod
So I rubbed some soft lard on
My big throbbing hard on
In doing so, I shot my wad!

1804. Another slant on things

Somebody has raised up the bar
And let me discover how far
He's come at the versing
Of limericks by nursing
Each nuance of fun -- they're har-har!
I posted a comment to Dave's OP204 at 9:58 am.  I'm rather proud that this one was written and blogged only twelve minutes later.  If you don't like my angle, please don't come after me with a 45.

OP204. Where, oh where could it be?

Another acrostic, I know
It's not where you thought it was, though
It's sitting right here
Its location is clear
If you haven't found it yet, woe!

When you've found it I'll reveal its location.  This was surprisingly hard to do.

PS. The title is a clue.

1803. Hair trigger

The clit is an organ that's dinky
Found down where the odor is stinky
Just as men can 'get wood'
It can crawl from its hood
And then grow big around as a pinkie.

OP202-203. Stop bugging me!

Another acrostic.

Mosquitoes, a pain in the ass
Of course, they're approaching en masse
So my whole body itches
"Quit biting me, bitches!"
Undaunted, they lurk in the grass

I'll never be fond of the scratching
The illnesses I may be catching
Or the flies 'round my face
Every one's a disgrace
Since I killed one, ten more have been hatching.

OP200-201. Homophonic slurs?

If belonging to it, then it's its
People's writing is giving me fits
They're confusing their "there"
And it's everywhere
This is not what good writing permits

Also, "your" is mistaken for "you're"
A mistake I've seen often before
Some, with "lose", they are "loose"
"Then" for "than" is misuse
Let me tell you, I can't take much more.

OP199. Boogity boogity

The man would appear in a flash
And across any venue, would dash
People thought him unique
And they called him "The Streak"
But with Ethel, he sure made a splash.

Please tell me you know the song...

1802. Here's to sweeter meter

i LIKE reading LIM'ricks a LOT
eSPEcially WHEN they've a PLOT
But THOSE that don't SCAN
ought be THROWN in the CAN
(also KNOWN as the PORcelain POT.)
Happily, no one in here needs this but several posters at Mad Kane's and Reddit do.

1801. Just sayin'

Ahead of me, hairy lips loom
Those portals that lead to her womb
If I get them to part
She will capture my heart
If I don't, it may lead to her doom.

1800. Noun, now

A Latin professor named Willoughby
At the start of each term passed out syllabi
By about mid-semester
Each student would fester
And just use his copy to kill a bee.

When I took Latin, the plural ending of most masculine nouns (e.g. amici or cacti) was pronounced 'ee.'  It seems to have changed to 'eye.'  However, 'eye' was once how feminine noun plurals (ending ae) were pronounced.  Perhaps another case of 'let's not be gender-specific' occurring in our crazy world?

8/23 Addendum:
Reader Robin Sutherland emailed this after reading my above entry.  He said, 

Alumnæ's like "nigh" -- never "knee."

Alumni's like "knee -- never "nigh."

Our hatches let's batten

With bonafide Latin!

And ne'er wonder how -- only why.

 

Thanks for having my back, Robin!

PD188-192. Rule Britannia!

There once was a faddist of Devon
Who said, "I have raped only seven
Young women to date,
But soon 'twill be eight
And shortly thereafter eleven."

There was a young lady of Gloucester
Whose friends were afraid they had lost her
'Til they found on the grass
The marks of her ass
And the knees of the man who had crossed her.

I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
Who asked, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
I replied, "Simple shagging
Without any wagging
Should only be done whilst canoeing."

There once was a girl from Aberystwyth
Who took corn to the mill to make grist with
The miller's son, Jack,
Laid her flat on her back
And united the organs they pissed with.

An organist playing in York
Had a prick that could hold a small fork
And between obbligatos
He'd munch at tomatoes
To keep up his strength while at work.

1799. "Khmer, rubes!"

A Cambodian Commie had shot
Folks whose politics weren't what he sought
The man was neurotic
As well as despotic
No polls were held under Pol Pot.
  This week's contest rhyme-word is 'pot.'

OP198. Dave's not here, man...

...but you may be able to guess where I am.

It's a dubious drug I have bought
Since I tried it, I wish I had not
What would anyone need
With some laxative weed?
Now I can't get myself off the pot.

OP196-197. A mouth-watering meal

Cindy said I should add to the pot
Unique flavors - I gave it a shot
My familiar taste
Is not one she would waste
Now you've guessed it - it's just what you thought.

An acrostic food-related limerick, in response to one of Mad Kane's Facebook posts.  As it also qualifies for this week's Limerick-Off, I've entered it there too.

Only Cindy and I ever knew
What ingredients were in the stew
And the guests, they would savor
And question the flavor
They don't know, but I'm sure you do.

This one's not acrostic, and I just decided to add it now as a second stanza.  It would have qualified for last week's contest.

Dave's acrostic on CUMIN inspired me to write this follow up:

Before you put spice in the pot
Add beef stock but not a whole lot
Sprinkle flour for a roux
In goes salt, pepper too
Lick the spoon, say, "Good gravy!"  (Or not.) 
   -- The Limericist

1798. Pole-ar opposite

Rural boys used to use the word 'cock'
To mean 'pussy!'  Imagine the shock
When one asked in a town,
"Any hot cock aroun'?"
The town toughs called him queer, cleaned his clock.

True!  'Cock' was interchangeable with 'pussy' where I grew up (Ada, OK.)  Males had 'dicks' or 'peters.'  My friends and I used it until at least junior high school and my grandpa (b. 1881) would guffaw when someone mentioned 'Mrs. Glasscock."
One night after lights out while I was in USAF boot camp, a hillbilly from West Virginia said "I wish I had me some hot cock."  "WHAT THE HELL?" rang out loudly from other bunks!

1797. Death math

I spend my days using my pate
To determine when folks will be 'late'
I'm not adversarial
My job's actuarial
You see, at Prudential I rate.
I entered this @ Mad Kane's Limerick-Off when 'rate' (or 'irate') was the rhyme word.

1796. Uno dose trace

Fucked a border town whore on a bet
Three days later, briefs yellow and wet
Now I do not know what
That gal had up her twat
But the discharge and itch I have yet.

PD186-187. Surprise endings

Firm and full in his pants (she HAD checked)      
Bulged the object she yearned to inspect
So her hand slipped inside
To caressingly slide
Out his . . . wallet.  What did you expect?

A magazine writer named Bing
Could make copy from most anything
But the copy he wrote
Of a ten-dollar note
Was so good he now lives in Sing Sing.
Sing Sing is a state prison just north of New York City.

1795. Pæan to the past

In the old days an airliner’s crew
Had a good-looking girl called the stew
Short for “stewardess,” she
Served milk, coffee or tea;
Upon landing (I’ve heard) she might screw!

1794. Caviar emptied

A French marquis in his chateau
Drank wine from grapes grown in his clos
One could oft hear him boast
Of the eggs on his toast
Not from poulets, mais non -- sturgeon roe!

1793. Colon crawlin'

Gay Percy lives life as an herbalist
And he's also a fine cruciverbalist
When the hour is too late
To pick up a hot date
He goes home and has fun as a gerbilist.

1792. Double entendre trouble

Though I fancy myself as a bard
Writing sense-making rhymes can be hard
If you think 'fuck' and 'suck'
Pair up eas'ly with 'duck'
Don't believe it, for it's a canard.

1791. Failin' Fallin et al.

This one's number is also the year
That our Bill of Rights got put in gear
These ten extra laws
No longer give pause
To our 'fine' Okie leaders, I fear.
Mary Fallin is Governor of Oklahoma, and a poor one.

OP195. Is "Off" a TV channel?

This addresses one of the lamer arguments that some religious people make.

With some theists I have a big beef
They insist non-belief's a belief
So here is the ath-
Eist statement of faith:
We don't have it. Stop giving us grief!

1790. No internet connection

At the register, Fred threw the fee at her
(The porn shop clerk.)  He cast no glee at her.
Flick's cost was 130
In sleeve that screamed, "DIRTY!!!"
Fred's home watching "Masturbate Theatre."
If the movie has a character named Abigail, Fred will vicariously go Downon Abby.

1789. Transcendental eligibility

At Princeton, the coach needs to know
If a quarterback prospect's a 'go'
"He can run and he passes
His soft high school classes
But tell me this; can he Thoreau?"

PD183-185. Geography pornography

There was a young man from Toledo
Who was cursed with excessive libido
To lick and to screw
And to masturbate, too
Were the three major points of his credo.

There was a young student from Boston
Who drove around town in an Austin
There was room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung outside and he lost 'em.

There once was a lady from Salem
Who used to take cocks and inhale 'em
The fruits of these feats
(Pubic hairs from her teeth)
Were saved until Fall when she'd bale 'em.

OP194. Mallard mayhem

One of this week's contest entries.  I thought it was clever, anyway.

I heard someone holler "Hey bro
You should get all your ducks in a row"
So I stood, looking solemn
My ducks in a column
It matters, but why, I don't know.

1788. Weight! Weight! Don't tell me.

OP193 brought me mirth
'Cause when speaking of fat, I've no dearth
Like Dave, I have grown
And I weigh 18 stone
Which is how they count poundage in Perth.
(The Scots prounounce it 'Pairth.'  Don't know about Aussies.)

1787. What is the newsstand price nowadays?

An ingenuous priest in Quebec
Heard that Playmates wore naught 'neath the neck!
Even though he was niggardly
Somehow he figgered he
Ought to pay five bucks to check.

1786. And the green glass goes all around

A writer I know who's named Dot'll
Agonize over each tit and jottle
She will quit for a smoke,
Drink a cold twelve-ounce coke
And then diddle herself with the bottle.
(It's actually "jot and tittle."  Click it.)

OP193. Older, wiser, super-sizer

Wish I'd thought of this a week and a half ago, when it was my birthday.

I've spent 33 years here on Earth
And I've grown a whole lot since my birth
I'm becoming more sage
As I'm adding more age
But I'm mostly just adding more girth.

1785. I wanted to rhyme 'archaic'

But my storyline is lousy.
A New Jersey strongman went driftin'
Then settled just outside of Clifton
So he grew archaic
Up there in Passaic
And now he does no heavy liftin'.

1784. Preferably the lower ones

A man whose big dick had the chills
Shivered worse after potions and pills
He said, "I think maybe a
Hot pair of labia
Could be the cure for my ills."

1783. A (Johnny) Cash discount

Horny John fantasized about June
Couldn't wait to get in her sweet poon
He finally got some
But like so much flotsam
It turned out to be just jejune.

1782. Processed proboscis

When you have an itch in your nose
And a sneeze soon will have you in throes
Be sure to eschew
A gigantic "Ah-CHOO!"
Use a Kleenex and give it some blows.

1781. Frustrating pheromones

A lesbian lady named Lucy
Had a snatch that was fragrant and juicy
When she'd ride on a bus
It would cause her to cuss
'Cause some guy always played 'Lucy goosy.'

1780. Two thumbs up

"Slide in your whole hand, use your right.
Next your left, 'cause I think it just might
Also fit in my trap;
Now, try hard to clap
See!  I told you my pussy was tight!"

1779. 1st Family Reunion for the toddlers

Some folks have grandkids by the dozens
And litter Facebook with their buzzin's
Wife and I have but two;
Guess what we're gonna do?
Go to see their first meeting as cousins!
14-mo-old Nora, her parents, and my wife and I are descending on New Jersey today to visit just-turned-one-yesterday Tommy and his parents.

1778. Never-heard word he thought rhymed

There once was a fellow named Frazier
Whose day job was being a glazier
After working with glass
He'd go looking for ass
Saying, "Hey!  Show me what's in your brassière!"

1777. A nether way

Said an unhappy housewife named Laurel,
"I'm tired of just fucking and oral."
Her husband then dinked her
In her anal sphincter
And Laurel sang out anthems choral.

OP192. Not enough dick for a long limerick

An early contender for this week's contest.  I had to look this word up.

The timing is quite opportune
For an off-color rhyme that's jejune*
A short penis joke will
Always get a cheap thrill
But the verse, like my dick, ends too soon.

*Jejune - displaying or suggesting a lack of maturity.

1776. Despicable despot

King George the Third may have been daft
We protested tea tax, he just laughed
Independence was sought
And, through war, it was bought
Cutting U.S. adrift like a raft.

1775. "Listen, my children.."

For the number above, just think 'year'
And it might bring to mind Paul Revere
Henry Wadsworth* took pride
In Paul's long midnight ride
We Yanks find his stanzas quite dear.
* First and middle names of Longfellow.

OP191. Undressed for success?

It's still my 33rd birthday where I am, so ...

I applied for a job I desire
I convinced them I'd be a good hire
But they told me when I
Showed up in suit and tie
"Birthday suit isn't proper attire."

1773-1774. Marriage disparaged

I'm hoping to finally sate
My sex drive before it's too late
All the dollars I've paid
To those whores to get laid
Have my wife acting very irate.

When we last bared our bodies to mate
I remember it just didn't rate
Yes, my wife blew her chance
To keep hot our romance
If she'd blown something else, I'd be great!

1772. Eating more than dust

A woman and wannabe masta
At Nascar tried hard to go fasta
With her Ford, led a race,
Couldn't keep up the pace
And lost late: she let one bowtie pasta.
(Due to its logo, "bowtie" is slang for a Chevrolet.  And the driver wasn't Danica Patrick -- she has driven Chevys since 2013.)

OP186-190. Blowing it

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

1771. Drip-dry trip

Hey fellas, when down in Tijuana
Don't think of your girl at home, Donna;
Get a suck for a buck
And, with luck, get a fuck
Which does not give that rrhea called 'Gono.'

1770. Big giveaway

At poker, you'd better play well
Or it might mean your house you must sell
For the pot can't be bought
Betting more than you've got
When the whole table's onto your tell.
A 'tell' is a mannerism that indicates your cards - good or bad.

1769. Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

Here's some bolt advice for screwing...
Lovely Hera got married to Zeus
Whose prick was as thick as a spruce
It was no fun for mortals
To enter her portals
Her cunt, once right tight, was left loose.

1768. Grist for my mill

I'm no fan of C&W music.  In fact, I'm proud to say I've never heard either of these persons sing, even though Shelton is from my home town.  Still, I guess they're topical so although this one isn't up to my standards, here goes...
Miranda and hubby, Blake Shelton
No longer will duets be beltin'
They've decided to part
Leaving each with a heart
That's now frozen and will not be meltin'.

OP185. The long and the short of it

A fellow who's out with his date
Says the length of his dick numbers eight
But he means centimeters
So she gleans from his peter's
Small size that he lies; she's irate.

A couple subtle changes from my contest entry, but I think it's better.

1767. I hate this at concerts!

There once was a man named McGuirk
With a dreadfully hard-to-take quirk
During Carmen, this hick
Would stand flicking his Bic
And in general, being a jerk.

OP184. Foreskin and seven years ago

The story of Abraham Lincoln
One night went too far with his drincoln
On impulse, a decision - 
An adult circumcision
They botched it, and since, no more dincoln.

1766. Hello, Dolly

My lover is short and she's sweet
We get horny when she comes in heat
Am I s'posed to feel sheepish
Or just a bit creepish
When mounting her makes her go "Bleat"?

1765. I'm not enchantered

I never have liked the bagpipes
Their players must be tone-deaf types
That squeaking and skirling
Sometimes brings on hurling
But always, it fills me with gripes.

1764. Twisted mister

A man I know says with a smirk,
"I can use hand or foot when I jerk!
And since I'm double-jointed
This means I've anointed
My toes and my fingers with murk."

OP182-183. Inherent but not inerrant

Okay, this is the one I feel was my best entry for the contest mentioned in #1760.  some of the limericks there...well, the timing was just off.  Though, of course, there were others that were really good.

I'm especially proud of the second verse, which was in part a response to Phil's limerick with the spelling error in it.  I addressed the error itself in a different one, but that's also to be found in #1760.

I find some of these limericks swell
But for others, the quality fell
With problems of scansion
This topic's expansion
Could hurt some and be a hard sell.

If you say it boils down to the cell
For the gift to write limericks well
Then the verse, if frenetic
Is a curse that's genetic
Unavoidable? Who can foretell?

1762-1763. Cell o' fame

In #1760 I mentioned a limerick contest.  Here are my recent entries:

Shiny vending machines used to sell
Lucky Strike, Chesterfield, and Pall Mall
With products iniquitous
They were ubiquitous
Time we heard smoking's death knell.
(And why wasn't that brand pronounced Paul Maul?)

An oversexed gal named Michelle
Sans a man, solved her needs very well
But then something transpired
Which left 'Chelle feeling wired
Dildo needed a brand new C cell.

1761. Dialing for Deutschmarks

A woman who lived in Cologne
Got paid to fake fuck on the phogne
Charged 8 marks per minute
And really got in it
But if you hung up quick, she'd grogne.

1760. What the L?

David Reddekopp is this blog's most regular reader and most fecund contributor.  Several weeks ago I discovered that there is a weekly limerick contest at this site.  I have entered each week since.  Dave jumped in about 3 weeks after I did.

He and I have each received "Honorable Mention" awards, which is pleasing as several of the competitors are REALLY good limerick writers!  A few of the contestants, however, use just AWFUL meter.  It's as if they haven't a clue about anapaest.

This week's word-to-be-rhymed is "sell" (or cell.)  Here is an excellent entry by a different Dave (Johnson) which attempts to show the dummies how it's done:
When WRIting a LIMerick WELL,
Good MEter is NOT hard to TELL.
It HAS a nice BOUNCE,
ConFORMS to the COUNTS
And is EAsy to PRATtle and SELL.

I then offered this:
Nicely put, Dave Johnson, but I think some people have an innate problem…
An embryo starts as one cell
Therein, gene for rhythm must dwell
Or no matter how galant
Your efforts, the talent
You lack makes your rhymes sound like hell.

Dave Reddekopp spotted my spelling error and submitted:
Phil, this is for you.
If your verse’s advice you would sell
Then be certain you know how to spell
I’d say most of it’s fine
But a fix I’ll assign
For it’s “gallant”; you’re missing an L.

I weakly defended myself with
Were I French, then my method of spell-
ing that word would be perfectly swell
But you’re right, Dave, “galant”
Looked a little bit gaunt
And besides that, it didn’t scan well.
I've asked Mad to "give me L" and yes, I realize I didn’t use ‘cell/sell’ above but it isn’t intended for the competition, anyway.

As you readers can tell, our Dave, like Stella, has his groove back!

OP181. Bet you did Nazi this coming

The Fuhrer was shrewd and gregarious
But his schemes were extremely nefarious
Still the Nazis are fun
To lampoon in a pun
They're unkampfortable, but hitlerious.

There are lots more of those where that came from.

OP180. A strict vagitarian

A lesbian girl, to be blunt
Thinks that cocksucking is an affront
To her tastes. Says the dyke:
"It's just not what I like
Were I straight, then I would, but I cun't."

1759. An in-Sultan limerick

A faggot who lives in Oman
Will wind up in prison anon
For the term "man on man"
Is against the Koran
In the meantime, the sultan's his john.
Hence the tune Muscat Ramble?

OP179. A palling behavior

A criminal's kill count increased
In an area strongly policed
Since he, hearing the cop
As he hollered out "Stop!"
Did not cease or desist, he's deceased.

OP177-178. The deadliest catch

There once was a man from The Hague
So filthy his stench made you gag
Thought his doc was a quack
When he said he had plaque
He misheard him; he died from the plague.

There's a rebel who risks pussy raids
He's lost count of the girls he degrades
He will not use protection
Thus he risks an infection
Now he's got one; it's HIV/AIDS.

1758. Her first name is Eileen

A woman whose name is McWhorter
Has a left leg that's 8 inches shorter
Than her right.  There's no chance
Of a Repub. romance
'Cause their politics won't let 'em court her.
Title from the joke, 'What would you name a girl baby born with one leg shorter than the other?'  (And if Japanese, the answer is, "Irene.")

1757. Catastrophic sex

When it comes to the subject of screwing
My wife has no clue what she's doing
Her pussy I pet
But she never gets wet
She just arches her back and starts mewing.
She might as well be catatonic.

1756. Do they clean their window puns?

I know that my senses are dullin'
But how Scots say some towns has me mullin'
One ends "a-n-e"
So it's sure hard to see
Why it is they pronounce Gullane "Gullun."
I got to play golf there on my only trip to the British Isles.  It is currently hosting The Scottish Open.

1755. Nguyen will we learn?

A Vietnamese chef named Huh
Heard from planning board, yelled "Duh-ta-Duhhhh!!"
For the name of his new
Restaurant had gone through
They thought 'foe' -- it's pronounced, "What the Pho."

1754. Do 3-somes require a drei sense of humor?

Last week, standing at my gym locker,
The guy next to me (quite a talker)
Said, "I just took my girl
In a plane for a twirl!"
I replied, "This is spad... did you fokker?"

1753. Probably tanted her

There was an old maid named Felice
Got appointed as ward of her niece
The girl was a teen
With a streak that was mean
And she gave Aunt Felice no surcease.

OP176. Politically Incorrect

My country's PM, Stephen Harper
Is a sellout, a fraud, and a carper*
I wish our prime minister
Wasn't so sinister
And all our voters were sharper.

*carper - someone who constantly criticizes in a petty way.

Honestly, it was the only other rhyme I could find, but it's true enough.  Harper has no shortage of character flaws and I can't wait until that asshole is out of office.

OP175. Ode to the Limericist

I know an old poet, Phil Graham
Too masculine for me to lay him
Foremost among mentors
For young verse inventors
Is this proper homage to pay him?

I have to admit, I think my limericks have gotten better since I first joined this site.  It helps to have someone around who's been at this longer than I have, and generally do quality control, and give tips when it may improve my work.  For instance, here is where I learned the importance of making alliteration my ally.

OP174. Hot dog!

A trucker was parked on the street
And his dog, she was in the back seat
But the man left his truck
In the blazing sun - fuck!
Let me tell you, that bitch was in heat.

OP173. If you can't join 'em, beat 'em

Or, beat off to 'em, anyway.

I know of a gay man in heat
Who is seeking another to eat
But rejection's his fate
As his targets are straight
Since he can't beat the heat, beats his meat.

1752. Not consonant with her request

A woman turned white as a sheet
When her cop friend was not too discreet
She said, "Show me your Glock"
What he heard, though, was "cock"
So he proved he was packing some heat.

1751. Unfun way to lose 10 pounds

An intestinal virus sure sux
Caused my bowels a 3 day case of flux
Dehydrated, felt 'finished'
The E.R. replenished
Me, cost over six thousand bux.

1750. Good recipes, though

When one Food Network TV show's summoned
It leaves me exceedingly bummoned
Host repeats, "Now" and "Just"
'Til I think I will bust
It's that Pioneer Woman, Ree Drummond.

1749. Halling his ashes

A curious teenager, Burke,
Would peek through a keyhole and jerk
That naughty young voyeur
Would watch from the foyer
In hopes he would see his folks ferk.

1748. Hair scare

What is it that makes Donald Trump
Hate illegals and be such a grump?
Though NBC dropped him
That act hasn't stopped him
From planning to go out and stump.

OP172. Cleanup on aisle 4

An unstable fellow named Dirk
Got angry and then went berserk
He took off his trousers
And wanked himself - wowzers!
All over the place - what a jerk!

Changed the title, thought it was better.

1747. Throwing his fat in the ring

New Jersey's Chris Christie has led
The state twice; thinks it gives him Prez cred
And though he's lost weight
He still carries "Bridgegate"
As the albatross he'll never shed.

1746. I'm duned to hell for this one

A thalidomide baby named Leach
Now grown, would like sex at the beach
He could sit in the sand
And do it by hand
But his grasp is exceeding his reach.
Now don't get all up in arms...

1745. Strike the colors.... down!

Do not call for a vote at the polls
On that symbol of pride just to trolls
For although quite inveterate
It's time that Confederate
Flags were retired from all poles.

1744. Turn your head and cough.

A testicular doctor named Dahl
Kept a very odd chart on his wall
Each month, set a quota
Of how many scrota
He'd squeeze which had only one ball.

1743. Doubt you'll drool at this one

Bored with puppies, Pavlov felt the call
To condition a good-looking moll
Made her sob ev'ry time
That the church tower would chime
So he called it "the bell of the bawl."

1742. Clip off the old cock

A gentile who longed to be Zionist
Told the rabbi, "I'm clipped."  (He's the lyin'est.)
For he thought it was silly
To trim up his willie
And have those Jews learn he's the cryin'est.

1741. Another hat in the ring

I was hoping their numbers would dwindle
(GOP hopefuls) Now here comes Jindal
Ev'ry son of a bitch
Will sign up if he's rich
We could use one who carries a bindle.

Hobo with a bindlestick

1740. The new NAACP*

To enhance her delusional spoof
She frizzed up the hair on her roof
That weird Rachel Dolezal
Has come out and tol' us all
She's black, without one ounce of proof.
*Needs An Appointment with Competent Psychiatrist