Monday, July 31, 2017

2598. Amerigo round like never before seen

Comm. Director job's never a bore
What the hell is Trump tryin' to explore?
Like Surveyor Vespucci
Off sailed Scaramucci
When John Kelly showed him the door.

2597. Happy and pain-free

A hedonist hailing from Hollis
Was a criminal, wicked and lawless.
Had too much endorphin,
Was also an orphan
Who grew up both ma-less and pa-less.

Pop. 1,974

Sunday, July 30, 2017

2596. Attacked by hardened criminals

If you're sent to the pen out in Granite
You will wish you were on a new planet.
One guy who I knew
Got his ass filled with goo
By each con and the warden who ran it.

Pop. 2,065

Saturday, July 29, 2017

2594-2595. Who's Who / Who's Next?

From DC, we've ne'er seen such affairs
Appointees keep changing in pairs
From this administration
There's always sensation
It's like watching musical chairs.

7/21, Spicer said "Bye"
Sarah Sanders was impressed, oh, my!
Scaramucci's pure sin,
Priebus out, Kelly in,
Bannon may be the next guy to fly.

2593. Not at lagerheads

A beer-loving hussy from Hennessey
Liked to go to the bar and get Guinnessey.
Whenever she drank
Her pussy, it stank
But at yeast it did not make her menacey.

Pop. 2,194

Friday, July 28, 2017

2592. 8 miles from Texas

Roger Miller was born out in Erick
Not far from an old windmill derrick.
The words of his songs
Make for great sing-alongs
Their lyrics are often hysteric.

Pop. 1091.  Here is an example of his humor.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

2591. Starting on seven

I hope you won't give a look cursory
At these verses unsafe for a nursery
You could spend day and night
Viewing all of this site
As it celebrates 6th Anniversary.

I recommend that first-time readers go to the archives along the upper-right side.  By selecting an entire month, they won't have to click Older Posts at page-bottom so often.

2590. Offendian love call

A Cherokee warrior from Bushyhead
Upon spying a squaw's lovely tushy said,
"Let me give you a hint ---
Come visit my tent
And I'll screw you all night on my cushy bed."

Pop. 1,314

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

OP444-468. Birthday banter

A witty repartee between Suzanne and myself, yesterday and today, starting with a birthday verse.  This stops being about my birthday rather quickly.  I have Suzanne's approval to post this.  Enjoy the wall of limericks!

(SH) Happy birthday there, David, be glad
One more year of great wisdom you add
And as you get older
You'll be a cardholder
Of smarts, getting bold, but not bad.

(DR - OP193, updated for yesterday)
I've spent 35 years on this earth
And I've grown a whole lot since my birth
I'm becoming more sage
As I'm adding more age
But I'm mostly just adding more girth.

(SH) That's exactly what many girls want
They don't care for a fellow who's gaunt
You're so huggable, oh!
With that teddy bear glow
So be proud of it, go ahead, flaunt!

(DR) If I do that, I may be in trouble
With the women, they may make it double
Do you want me to strut
And act like a slut
When I have a big butt, like a bubble?

(SH) You're too humble to seem like you're slutty
Because you're so darn funny and nutty!
All your clever brain cells
Will just ring all their bells
In your hands, all the gals will be putty.

(DR) If that were the case, I'd be taken
By the womenfolk, I've been forsaken
None are wanting that gig
'Cause I'm just too damn big
So I stay home and pig out on bacon.

(SH) In the boonies, what did you expect?
Hardly any girls there to select!
Oh, what a sad waste
That they're big-city based
So the odds that you're chased might be wrecked.

(DR) I suspect if I'm in a big city
Then my chances are equally shitty
I'd have zero impact
For my form won't attract
Any dates would just act out of pity

(SH) They don't all think the same, there are some
Who don't care 'bout the size of your bum
They want someone who's smart
With an awesome good heart
And you do play the part, you ain't dumb!

(DR) I know there are girls who don't tend
To dwell, to that end, on my end
But it's still not to be
With those women, you see
They think only of me as a friend.

(SH) You are judging too soon, that's a crime!
Reaching second base always takes time
So you gave up and parted
Before getting started
Up pathways uncharted, so climb!

(DR) Well, I may speak too soon, I'll admit
But so far I have not been a hit
As for running the bases
In all of my cases -
The Look on their faces. Oh Shit!

(SH) Well, you don't run the bases, just walk 'em
And you'll find nonchalance will unlock 'em
Take your time with your speed
Let the ladies just lead
And you won't even need to sweet-talk 'em

(DR) It is good advice to go slow
When making my move on them, though
Whenever I do it
They're never into it
Their answer (I knew it) is "NO!"

(SH) Please reread what I said, that should prove
You'll ace IF you don't make the first move
Here patience is key
And I do guarantee
Just do nothing and see how they groove!

(DR) Do nothing, just wait, you implore?
And they'll beat down a path to my door?
They will think I don't care
If in fact they're aware
That I even am there anymore.

(SH) You see, when a friendship gets deeper
That's when they will see you're a keeper
I know that it's true
This is just what they'll do
And they'll snuggle with you as a sleeper.

(DR) If you think this approach makes me mobbable
By the women (who'd make me quite throbbable)
Or I find just one gal
Who'll be more than a pal
Well, the chance I'll corral her - improbable.

(SH) Oh fella! You couldn't be wronger!
Patience WILL make your chances much stronger
I should know! I contain
The same female-type brain!
Trust my instincts! You'll gain and last longer!

(DR) Well, that outcome just isn't the trend's own
So I can't slam my balls in their endzone

For they don't give a fuck
I am shit out of luck
It appears I am stuck in the friendzone.

(SH) Society claims your damnation
As you follow their (each) expectation
Your own life is unique
But you're making it weak
When predicting a bleak situation.

(DR) What I say, you might think it rings hollow
My experience taught me to wallow

I am not a savant
I've a figure to haunt
This, a woman would want? I don't follow.

(SH) Not all women judge books by their covers
Especially the ones whose cute lovers
Would burn them, and shove
Them away and fake love
As a dark cloud above them still hovers

Fancy looks that would flatter soon scatter
Which the ugly inside will then shatter
So what sets them apart?
A fun brain that is smart
And a kind loving heart which do matter.

(DR) All right, then, Suzanne, I concede
I am all that a woman would need
Girls are under my hex
I am smart and complex
And a wizard at sex, it's agreed.

(SH) The Law of Attraction is clear
That the time will be coming, it's near
As your thoughts do create
Your reality. Great!
Now allow your good fate to appear.

At long last, I'm letting her have the last word.

All except the verse which was already on this blog use Suzanne's little trick with L5.

2589. Wit of the staircase

When with friends for a nice dejeuner
And you find nothing clever to say,
Just wait 'til you leave,
Then retort you'll conceive:
A case of l'esprit d'escalier.*

* To think of the perfect riposte on the staircase, having left the dinner party.

OP443. Wang slang

A prick, or a dick, or a dong
A wand, anaconda, or schlong
If it's doubly balled

Then whatever it's called
Doesn't matter, as long as it's long.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

2588. Five years? No way!

On this date in 1982
Arrived David; we're so glad he grew
To a brainy, fun fellow
With manner quite mellow
Who writes awesome limericks, too!

See more of his excellence at Dave's own site.

Wow, David!  I cannot believe how long you've been following my blog!  Looking back through its archives I discovered that you first sent me a limerick in 2012 -- four days prior to this site's 1st anniversary and two days before your 30th birthday.

Here is that initial effort and here is the one from a year later -- actually written by your sister, you say --.which first notified us of your birthday.  I posted this follow-up to it.

It's been a joy to have your support, humor, and intelligence these past five years, so keep writing and keep havin' birthdays!

OP442. Party hearty, David!

Happy birthday, and stop dillydallyin'
Party hard, jump around like a stallion
And some day you will find
A gal nuts, sweet and kind
With big boobs, nice behind, you rapscallion!

2587. Or other horsin' around...

An equestrienne living in Warner
Just couldn't be any forlorner
She's lost her sanguinity
And her virginity,
Seems riding bareback has torn 'er.

Pop. 1,619

Monday, July 24, 2017

PD312-315. Clean classics

There was a young lady of Kent,
Who admitted she knew what it meant
        When men asked her to dine,
        And plied her with wine,
She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!

There once was a man with a hernia
Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
        When you work on my middle
        Be sure you don't fiddle
With things down there that don't concern ya."

There once was a pretty young Mrs.
Whose tearful but short story thrs.
        Her mind lost its grasp -
        Now she thinks she's an asp
And just sits in the corner and hrs.

According to experts, the oyster
In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
       May frequently be
       Either he or a she
Or both, if it should be its choice ter.

Cute, but wrong.  They are in phylum Mollusca.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

2586. A fjordable care act

A Norwegian ex-pat with name 'Jorgen'
Farms a half-section outside of Forgan
He's a bachelor guy
So to help him get by,
Each evening he plays his pumped organ.

Pop. 534.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

2585. Just duet!

At the Lutheran Church, downtown Binger,
The music program's no hum-dinger

Yes, it's true, things are dire,
They have no vocal choir
Nor a bell one -- one singer, one ringer.

Pop. 656.

Friday, July 21, 2017

2582-84. Premature ejaculation

Afraid he would say something cheek'ly
A farmer boy sought advice meekly;
"Tell me what I can say
To my girl so she'll lay?"
Friend said, "You must approach it obliquely."

"Try painting your horse's tail red.
In the wagon, here's what will be said:
'Why the colorful rear?'
Conversation you'll steer
From 'butt' into going to bed."

So in hopes that he'd have him some luck,
Painted horse's ass red, hitched the buck
Board up; called for the maid,
When she asked, "Why that shade?"
He said, "Glad that you asked!  Wanna fuck?"

In old novels, "ejaculated" meant "blurted out."  Like "intercourse," it has pejorated.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

2581. It's a breeze

If you ever drove into Olustee
And got out of your car, you got dusty
Well, unless it had rained,
Still, your energy drained
From those damned prairie winds strong and gusty.

Pop. 593

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

PD310-311. The genesis for these is in Ch. 38: 8&9

Three cheers for that lusty guy, Onan --
A hero much greater than Conan.
He handled his need
By spilling his seed
But his sister-in-law was left moanin'.

Screwing Tamar, old Onan was set
To pay a prescribed family debt.
When the stud withdrew early,
He 'splained it was purely
'Cause condoms were not devised yet.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

OP441. Sent me by a new AWAD friend

I congratulated Edith Lowe from Bath, England on a great AWAD limerick she wrote a few weeks ago.  She wrote back, sending me this one.  It came to her from a friend on holiday in Northern France.
Whenever I begin to think, "I'm really good at limericks!", along comes one like this to puncture my over-inflated ego.
Ironic though now it appears
After seven or eight hundred years,
Most cases of death
'Round the time of Macbeth
Were from clubbing and Brittany spears.

Monday, July 17, 2017

2580. A big dill at one time

When haying, the chaff causes prickles
And it's hard work out swingin' those sickles
It is dangerous, too,
I know men who can't screw
Because errant blades chopped off their pickles.

Now, wasn't that inscytheful?

Sunday, July 16, 2017

2579. No giant trees either place

If you take a road trip to Sequoyah
The denizens there will enjoy ya
It's on Route Sixty-Six
Sort of out in the sticks
So I doubt if you'll think it's La Jolla.

Pop. 671

Saturday, July 15, 2017

2578. But business was really slow

A prostitute living in Wayne
Had a giant, retentive-type brain.
Besides fucking, gained fame
From the fact she could name
Ev'ry fellow with whom she had lain.

Pop. 704

2577. If music be the food of love...

A music-degreed cook in Copan
Worked best humming nocturnes by Chopin
Cooked all of her day foods
While iPod™ played etudes,
Baked biscuits sublime in her dough pan.

Pop. 741

Thursday, July 13, 2017

2576. Russian to cover up

In Trump's G20 meetin' with Putin
Charge of tampering, Vlad was refutin'.
Then Don Junior got caught
For some things that he ought
Not have done; all those fuckers need bootin'.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

2575. Lookin' for trouble

The sheriff of tiny Canute
Had a pistol he ne'er got to shoot.
Like John Wayne's pard, Yakima,
Wished he could sack him a
Nasty, law-breakin' galoot.

Pop. 539. Yak's last name had a short 'u', though.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

OP440. Getting down and dirty

I know of a fellow named Joe
Who is proud of his garden, although
His wife, she will tell us
She's really quite jealous - 
He spends all his time with his hoe.

OP439. Off the rails

Yes, I took the easy target.

There once was a man, Donald J.
In a line, as he heard a voice say,
"You are getting a brain."
What he heard, though, was "train",
So he left to get out of the way.

2574. Jewish convert?

In olden days, if a mohel clipped a knight,
The blood from dismembering dripped a night
No Superman, he,
If he got up to pee
He felt weak, as if nearby were kryptonite.

(You know a lim is lousy when ya have to show the stresses.)

Monday, July 10, 2017

2573. Sidewalk show-off

In the hillbilly hamlet of Haskell
Lived a goat roper, name of McKaskel.
He strolled Main Street posing
And sometimes exposing
His pecker, that filthy old rascal.

Pop. 1,979

Sunday, July 9, 2017

2572. Named for one of our first senators

(Who was also grandfather to Bill Clinton's V.P.)
Should you chance to go looking for Gore
It's found right on the Arkansas shore,
Just 4 miles from a lock
Built of concrete and rock
By those engineers called "Army Corps."

Pop. 954.  The McClellan-Kerr Arkansas River Navigation System runs 445 miles from Catoosa, OK to the Mississippi River.  The lock (and dam) I referenced is #16 at Webbers Falls, just upriver from Gore.
A bit of trivia: For years, Lawton's blood bank was on Gore Blvd.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

2571. What a hack.

When in need of a haircut in Garber
Not much choice; there is only one barber.
I went there and, sadly,
He chopped my hair badly
Because of it, mean thoughts I harbor.

Pop. 849

Friday, July 7, 2017

2570. Someone deux us a favor

It's the day of Trump's meetin' with Putin.
Oh, what pricks!  Neither one's worth salutin'.
I'll attract when I say,
"Both those sons-of-a-bitch deserve shootin!"

Thursday, July 6, 2017

2569. Picking your poison (banging?)

A virginal lady in Vici
Has beautiful hair and one nice eye
But her left one stays black
From each right-handed whack

From her guy; she won't fuck to make Bryce sigh.
Pop. 715

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

2568. I'll doctor my own steak, thank you

Sweet Kathryn, a gal from Paoli,
Spread her husband's filet with aioli
Which she should not have done;
She was shot by his gun,
Up 'til then he had treasured Kay wholly.

Pop. 611

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

2567. My brother provided the punch line

One Okie rep. doesn't preside 'n shine
(And he sure never followed Joe Biden's line.)
The first time he "free mailed"
With a joke he got nailed:
"The Congressman sent frank of Bridenstine."

At a town-hall-like forum before Oklahoma's 2012 congressional elections, brother Steve asked for the microphone and said, "If the Republican candidate wins in the 1st district, will a mailing to his constituents be known as 'the frank of Bridenstine'?"  According to Steve, it garnered the desired groans from the panel and audience.  Thankfully, Jim Bridenstine is now in his 3rd (and final!) term.  He's made enough scary moves.

OP435-438. Happy Birthday America!

Happy birthday there, US of A!
And make this a spectacular day
You can see we still love ya
You fit like a glove; ya
Know we'd never shove ya away!

Just remember to keep standing tall
Try forgetting events of last fall
Read the book from the shelf
That says, "Dance Like an Elf"
Go ahead, let yourself have a ball!

So now, USA, let us lock lips
After all, we are joined at the hips!
Daily trading two billion
We'll come by the million
To witness your solar eclipse.

You are two hundred plus forty-one
Don't stop partying till you are done!
And we hope you're aware
That up north here, we care
And we also do share in your fun!

Happy birthday, neighbor! And many more!

Monday, July 3, 2017

2566. Not in China or Switzerland

A handsome young roué from Canton
Was known for his wild galavantin'
Any Jane, Sue, or Carrie
He fucked on the prairie
Would always get wet and start pantin'.

Pop. 622

Sunday, July 2, 2017

2565. Caries quite a penalty

A sadistic old dentist in Billings
Enjoys both extractions and drillings
If you don't like his work
He becomes quite a jerk
And slips arsenic into your fillings.

 Pop. 508

Saturday, July 1, 2017

OP432-434. We're still young

Being a Canuck, and a privileged, occasional contributor to this site, I'm going to take the liberty of throwing in a little birthday tribute to my home and native land, north of the border. It's Canada Day! Somehow, y'all ended up in the mix (can't stay away, we're joined at the hip!), so here we go...

Well, I come from the land of Canuck
Where our loonie is really a buck
If you're getting too warm
Just come north for a storm
Being cold is the norm; you're in luck!

We Canucks love you Yankees, it's true
You are spunky, creative (weird too!)
You're all smart, so take note
(Well, except when you vote)
But we still like to dote upon you!

We think national birthdays are nifty
We spend lavishly, yet we're still thrifty
Well, the party ain't done
It has only begun
'Cause today we turn hundred and fifty!

PD302-309. But not TOO young...

You'll note that all of these begin with the same 5 words.
There was a young girl of Asturias
With a penchant for practices curious.
        She loved to bat rocks
        With her gentlemen's cocks --
A practice both rude and injurious.

There was a young girl of Cape Town
Who usually fucked with a clown
        He taught her the trick
        Of sucking his prick,
And when it went up -- she went down.

There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
        She was fucked at the show
        In the twenty-third row,
And once more going home in the taxi.

There was a young girl of Rangoon
Who was screwed by a Hindi buffoon.
    "Well, it has been great fun,"
    She remarked when he'd done,
"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."

There was a young girl from Edina,
Who shoved avians up her vagina
As much as she pleased,
'Til one day, she sneezed --
Out popped three toucans and a mynah!

There was a young girl named O'Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
        She got roars of applause
        When she kicked off her drawers,
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.

There was a young girl named Miss Randall
Who thought it beneath her to handle
    A young fellow's pole,
    So instead, her hot hole
Was contented by means of a candle.

There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
        A wad-shot rang her bell
        And she said with a yell,       
"Me give you a ding for a dong!"