Sunday, August 31, 2014

PD156-157. Odes to a cushy tushy

Anne-Marie was a pot-bellied slut.
No foundation could circle her gut.
If you think that is bad,
Know that she also had
A steatopygian butt.

A sweet callipygian lass
Used to drive the boys wild. It was crass
When they asked her, "How come?"
She replied, "With my bum:
It is not only mass, dears, it's class!"

Saturday, August 30, 2014

1449. So far, not the Good Humor man

We’re here with our grandson in Ewing,
New Jersey; he’s fussing and stewing.
He’s just one month old
But if truth be told
I’d rather he did much more cooing.

Friday, August 29, 2014

1448. On cruise control for a while

We are trav'ling the broad USA
We reached Terre Haute IN just one day
On day three, we'll see Amish
Far from Lake Snoqualmish
They're mainly in eastern PA.

The wife and I are on a two week car trip to see our grandson in New Jersey, then our granddaughter in South Carolina.  We'll be gone a total of two weeks and I may not get a lot of limericks written.  Feel free to Phil in for me!

Thursday, August 28, 2014

1447. Sheep may NOT safely graze..

A shepherd, while tending his flock,
Would put on an over-sized smock
This kept his clothes clean
But its purpose was mean --
To hide what he did with his cock.

Title compliments of J. S. Bach, sort of...

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

1446. Prior to Nodding off

Before brother Cain broke the law
And killed Abel (which stuck in God's craw)
The two boys had much fun
With a girl, two on one,
Inventing le ménage à trois.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

1445. No verisimilitude

"Real Housewives" seem anything but.
Their boob jobs all sag, they don't jut.
And every scene's scripted
With words oft encrypted
By bleeps.  Each gal acts like a slut.

Monday, August 25, 2014

1444. Some small problems

There once was a woman whose tits
Were so small that they looked more like zits
And while on the topic
Of things microscopic
Her pubes were infested with nits.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

1443. In search of the Oregon Tail

There once was a man from Grant's Pass
Who took out a beautiful lass
He tried to beguile her

So he could defile her
But she had a cob up her ass.

He wanted a hottie, not a haughty.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

1442. In his dreams

I know an old guy, name of Grissom
And he likes Asian girls who are lissome

They're but dreams (all vicarious)
Still, would be hilarious
To watch him attempting to kiss 'em.

OP155. More Nostradamus than nasty dumb ass

Seems Bill Clinton, when not at his nices’,
Was a seer of the current world crisis!
     Starr’s Grand Jury renounced?
     No, Bill just mispronounced
When he questioned “the meaning of ISIS.”

Friday, August 22, 2014

1441. Wall shower

A young masturbater named Beasley
Was born with a pecker quite measly
That is, 'til it swelled,
And then it propelled
His ejaculate 'cross the room eas'ly.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

1440. Hot pockets

Good quarterbacks have to have guts
Either that or they need to be nuts!
Some think they're unsackable
And stand there implacable
Then, whoomph!  They get knocked on their butts.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

1439. Tug of whore

A prostitute down by the pier
Was possessed of a gigantic rear
That butt was so large
If a flat-bottomed barge
Floated in, it would soon disappear.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

1438. Throw momma from the train?

A man took his wife on vacation
Hoping R&R might bring elation
But it wasn't recuperative
'Cause she was vituperative
Which gave him severe perturbation.

Monday, August 18, 2014

1437. What a salesperson!

There once was a beautiful hooker
Who worked anywhere that fate took 'er
This marvelous morsel
Could even ensorcel
Those men who had not planned to fook 'er.

I learned a new word and thought I'd use it...

Sunday, August 17, 2014

1436. Back vs. side show

Two sisters who came from Killarney
Had magical pussies, no blarney!
They did so many stunts
With their talented cunts
They were hired by a traveling carney!

Saturday, August 16, 2014

1435. Don't get strung out

Like tennis?  Soon starts U.S. Open.
Please, players, do not get caught dopin'!
If shots you're not purin'
Just make sure your urine
Tests 'clean' -- that's what fans are all hopin'.


Friday, August 15, 2014

1434. They start Monday

Our A/C has gone on the fritz
And, of course, we're amidst a heat blitz
More repairs it won't stand,
To replace, thirteen grand,
A number that gives me the shitz.

Six weeks ago we paid over $400 to "fix" it and add 4# of freon.  They warned then, "This is a Band-Aid -- we can't warranty our work."  We've lived here over 30 years -- I suppose it's time.  Price includes new furnace, too, and moving duct work from slab to attic.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

1433. Homage to a genius

Robin Williams is gone from this earth
Oh, my!  How the man could make mirth!
No talent was vaster
No mind ever faster
Spontaneity?  There's now a dearth.

1432. Anus but no Andes

When I sixty-nine with my Rose
Her breasts are not covered by clothes
But I never see 'em
'Cause her perineum
Is right there in front of my nose.

'Tain't the worst one I've ever written, nor the bust...

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

1431. Class personified

The Big Sleep won't take place on a cot
Forest Lawn will be digging a plot
Wondrous Lauren Bacall
Was an absolute doll
We were luckier to have than have not.

In the early 70s, I saw her in "Applause" in OKC.  She couldn't sing.  She didn't need to.  She owned the stage simply by being on it.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

1430. 'n sip it

There once was a time Pinot Noir
Was the premier red grape of the Loire
But for years it's been known
As the best of Bourgogne
And I think I will drink some ce soir.

Actually, once the Loire river turns south, it forms the western boundary of Bourgogne (Burgundy.) However, "Loire wines" aren't classified as burgundies.

Monday, August 11, 2014

1429. Southern exposure

A woman who wasn't too chaste
Refused to give guys' dicks a taste
So their penetrations
In her fenestrations
All had to be south of the waist.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

1428. Flower power

A gardener with magical power
Likes leading a girl to his bower
And if she is pliable
Our hero is liable
To lay her three times in one hour.

He will soon experience "the last rise of summer."

Saturday, August 9, 2014

1427. The funk caused by junk

A man who desired life with order
Got wed to a gal, a big hoarder.
His joy was short-lived;
When the bills all arrived
He discovered he couldn't afford her.

Friday, August 8, 2014

1426. Where air is rare

Edmund Hillary had quite a pair
As most men would have turned down the dare
Although first up Mt. Everest
He wasn't the cleverest,
When asked why he did, "'Cause it's there."

"Because it's there" is one of the most misattributed quotes of all time -- possibly because the person who really said it has a name that sounds so similar to Sir Edmund's.  It was actually spoken by George Mallory, another British climber who tried three times to conquer the mountain in the early 1920's -- and without extra oxygen (!)  He and his climbing partner "died trying" on the third attempt.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

1425. A woman of low molars

There once was a dentist named Keith
Who took a girl out on the heath
Where he did unbuckle
And got her to suckle
By claiming, "It's good for your teeth!"

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

1424. Robin Williams' idol, too

A comic named Joe from New York
Learned a lot watching Mindy and Mork
For Jonathan Winters
Was one of Mork's mentors
Who always made Joe pop his cork.

Watch Winters freestyle HERE.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

1423. All the views that fit, they print

There's one thing I like about Brits
They're not too hung up re: bare tits
Young lads become gapers
At those daily papers
Which show 'em, but some moms have fits!

For years The Sun and The Daily Mirror printed a daily pair.  Still?

Monday, August 4, 2014

1422. Where we got the term "barf bag?"

Scottish haggis, I've heard, is delicious
Surely those who say so are facetious
A sheep's heart, lungs and liver
Plus oats makes me quiver
And cooked in his stomach?  Sounds vicious.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

PD151-155. Pregnancies

There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she'd a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view
Of the way her waist grew
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.

There was a young lady of Wantage
Of whom the Town Clerk took advantage.
Said the County Surveyor,
"Of course you must pay her;
You've altered the line of her frontage."

Though a self-confessed egalitarian,
Nan indulged rites that were not riparian.
So one sunny day,
Nine months after a lay,
She succumbed to her second cæsarean.

Since her baby came, little Miss Snow
Won’t diddle, she just hollers "no."
She thinks a fat senator
It’s likely progenitor
But having laid ten she can’t know.

Said a girl to her friend from Milpitas,
"There's a doctor in town who will treat us
For feminine ills
And hot and cold chills,
Or even abort a young fœtus."

Saturday, August 2, 2014

1421. Sea cow you like this one...

A retarded old fellow named Jimmy
Made his home in the town of Kissimmee

And due to insanity
He felt that a manatee
Was much Moore attractive than Demi.

Friday, August 1, 2014

1420. Masked masochist

A cold dominatrix, Lorraine,
Tied a man to her bed to give pain
She then climbed astride him,
Proceeding to ride him

While wielding a whip and a chain.

OP154. Squeak peek

You may read all about this here. 
Heard some news from the Louvre that’s alarming:
Rats and mice in its gardens are swarming!
     Seems they don’t want to miss
     Auguste Rodent’s “The Kiss,”
And they view Minnie Lisa as charming.

In fact, “The Kiss” is not in the Louvre but at the Rodin Museum, also in Paris.