Friday, May 31, 2013

1051. A shoddy life

A teen-aged apprentice, a farrier,
Could certainly be a lot merrier
The first horse he shod
Kicked off his left cod
His sex life now has a huge barrier.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

1050. California or bust

To a costume ball in Calistoga
A fat man went, wearing a toga
He also had wheels
On his shoulders and heels,
Laying down, was an old conestoga.

Monday, May 27, 2013

1049. Leading cause of divorce

There once was a husband named Ned
Who oftentimes wished he were dead
His wife screwed with no life
And caused marital strife
By refusing to give him some head.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

1048. What's in a name?

Here's my 5-line attempt at telling one of my all-time favorite jokes:
An Indian whose life was sucking
Asked his chief, "Why does my name bring yucking?"

"We are named for first view
When we pop from squaw's slough

But why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

Saturday, May 25, 2013

1047. Milking it for all it's worth

A naughty farm lad from Mount Vernon
Jacked off with a deep sense of yearnin'
The up and down stroke
Of this horny young bloke 

Also worked well when doin' the churnin'.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

1045-46. Bending the rules

One of Blogspot's Terms of Service is that a blogger can't write about bestiality or incest.  Maybe this will "get by" since the protagonist only does it vicariously...

I would put this in red, but I fear
To talk 'bout an animal's rear
It may feel celestial
To do that thing bestial
But we're barred from saying it here.
Attempting to get him some sleep
A man had an aid, he used sheep
He wouldn't just count 'em
He dreamed he would mount 'em
For he was a consummate creep.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

1044. Assassin needed

That Communist twerp, Kim Jong Un,
Is not what I'd call "a good son"
He acts reprehensibly
I think that, ostensibly,
He'll die by a shot from a gun.

Monday, May 20, 2013

1043. Let's just cuddle

A man trying to swell up erectly
Told the gal, "It should get hard directly."
They waited, frustrated,

And neither got sated
So both wound up frowning abjectly.

"Directly", as used here in the southwest, has a connotation exactly opposite of "in a straightaway manner."  When you say, "I'll do it directly" you really mean "when I get around to it."  I'm not sure what this guy meant.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

1042. Aptly yclept

A big-breasted woman named Dee-Dee
Had nipples much larger than beady
How did her folks know
That one day she would grow
To use bras like her name, i.e., DD?

Her brother is Dewey in #1040.

Friday, May 17, 2013

PD77. Is that all?

There was a young man of Moldavia
Who couldn't believe in a savior
He erected instead
With himself as the head
The religion of decorous behavior.

1041. Barrel-y naughty

There once was a rascal named Trask
With a torso as big as a cask
The gas he would pass
From his ass was so crass
That you'd wish you were wearing a mask.

1040. The letter(s) of the law

There once was a doofus named Dewey
Whom a cop stopped for driving too screwy
His first name proved apt
When the officer slapped
On him handcuffs and gave him a DUI.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

1039. Like Pontiac, Olds and Hummer

An unfortunate fellow named Raab
In 2009 bought a Saab
But he became shaken
When GM stopped makin'
'em.  Now repairs cost him a gaab.

My first new car was a '68 Saab 96 with a 4-stroke V4 engine!  Previously, their engines were all 3-cylinder, 2-stroke!  I loved mine and was sorry to see the brand die in Dec. 2009.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

1038. Short-changed

On her honeymoon, Mrs. McGee
First espied her groom's tool, and 'twas wee.
But her greater surprise
Was the rise in its size --

Only grew from two inches to three.

Monday, May 13, 2013

1037. I wonder if Coach Sandusky has some?

In prison you can't be a dope
When show'ring, do not drop the soap!
'Cause if you bend over
The bulls are like Rover,
Avoid 'em -- use Soap-on-a-Rope.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

1036. But what else does she take?

A job-seeking gal named Marie
Took a drug test to check LSD
Since she was allergic
To acid lysergic
She passed -- there was none in her pee.

Friday, May 10, 2013

1035. Self-portrait? (I hope not.)

A learned man (lacking allure)
When writing, comes off like a boor.
He has lots of cargo*
And uses much argot 

To condescend (it's de rigueur.)

*As in "to have lots of baggage."  His supercilious attitude is one problem...

Thursday, May 9, 2013

OP112. To the ends of heaven

My favorite target gets it again:

The news has been heard far and wide
Yes, Birmingham's bishop has died
So that horny old bishop
Will just have to wish up
In heaven there's children to ride.

OP111. Neither did he realize the gravity of his situation

A young nuclear theorist named Lutz
Lost his job from Sequester-based cuts.
    Though he thought to pull strings
    It would not have changed things,
And, besides, he did not have the GUTs.

For the umpteenth time I am attempting to complete Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time.  GUT is a Grand Unified Theory which seeks to unite the three forces of Electromagnetism, Weak Nuclear (radioactivity) and Strong Nuclear (keeping protons and neutrons packed together).  Last I heard, the fourth, Gravitational force, is still odd-man-out.

Maybe my unfortunate protagonist is related to Bob Lutz, American Davis Cupper and doubles whiz of the 1970’s, who did know a thing or two about gut as applied to his string theory.

1034. Do they go ape anyway?

There once was a man named DeJong
Who had him a dick like King Kong!
But he was a dingus --
Liked just cunnilingus --
No gal ever had his huge schlong.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

1033. Remington, Russell and

The artist named Thomas Moran
Painted landscapes like few others can.
His scenes of the West(ic)
Are truly majestic
And I have become a big fan.

Tulsa's Gilcrease Museum has a tremendous art collection -- so large that only 8% of its items can be displayed at any one time (and it has several thousand square feet of galleries.)  I've visited many times.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

1032. Pail rider

Old Jill from the nursery rhyme's back...
She's obese and likes tongue in her crack.

When she sits on your nose
Her cheeks make your ears close
To the point that you cannot hear jack.

Monday, May 6, 2013

1031. Come one, come all

There once was a woman named Rose
Who could quickly get out of her clothes.

And then she would ball
The slim, fat, short and tall

By using her legs-in-air pose.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

OP110. By the boatload

I've heard of a hooker named Leeman
It's said that she fucks like a demon
And she causes commotion
For, just like the ocean
She's often seen swallowing seamen.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

PD75-76. Lifted from Reddit

Dave Reddekopp and I occasionally post at Reddit (click that to see them all.)   Here are two by another participant which I think are damned good.  I've listed the name he uses there.

I courted the young Miss Mahoney
I was hoping she'd mount my baloney
But when I checked her crack
I was taken aback
She was riding the red cotton pony


There once was a man named Jerome
Who liked to jerk off when not home
He once pulled his meat
From Paris to Crete
And didn't switch hands until Rome.


Friday, May 3, 2013

1030. Concrete shoes

A fellow from Buffalo, Al,
Thought a mafia thug was his pal
Al leered at thug's wife
Which cost him his life
He was found in the Erie Canal.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

1029. Date expectations

There is a young woman named Kate
With looks far beyond second-rate
But she thinks it immoral
To do the deed 'oral'
So hasn't had one second date.

Geez, I remember when getting a kiss on the first date was rare!