Sunday, November 30, 2014

1541. From mouth-watering to eye-watering

I love when my wife's in the nude
Could it mean I'm about to get screwed?
But when she then starts
To let foul-smelling farts
Well, it puts a big dent in my mood.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

1540. Boomerang boy

There once was a kid from Wyoming
Who loved to take off and go roaming
Ne'er got lost, not one smidgen
For, just like a pigeon
He had an innate sense for homing.

Friday, November 28, 2014

1539. Revolting redolence

A slutty old woman, a skank,
Had a pussy that horribly stank
Her titties were droopy
Her panties were poopy
The bitch was entirely rank.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

1538. Eagles and Turkeys

Here's hoping DeMarco's no bobbler*
Of hand-offs as I eat much gobbler
My tummy may hurt
But I'll still have dessert;
At the least pumpkin pie and some cobbler.

*The Dallas Cowboys play the Philadelphia Eagles this afternoon.  Cowboy running back Demarco Murray is setting records but is also fumble prone.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

1537. Mudder fucker

There once was a woman coquettish
Who had an unusual fetish
She only had lain
With men in the rain

Where both inside and out she got wettish.

As I wrote this one I kept thinking the rhymes had a certain familiarity.  Just now, 12 hours after publishing today's, I went back thru the archives.  Sure enough, on 9-17-2011 I wrote this one.  Please forgive a memory-challenged old geezer.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

1536. Diacritical barkings

In truth, I've never read a word of his.
The author named William Dean Howells
Used consonants, commas and vowels
But the words that he wrote
I cannot give my vote:
They resemble what comes from one's bowels.

(Note the colon ending line 4.)

Monday, November 24, 2014

1535. She'll have something with a cherry

There once was a virgin named Sookie
Who went in a bar just to lookie
The men bought her drinks
And it's likely, methinks,
That she left there without a plugged nookie.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

1534. Mixed messages

A quirky gourmand named Mahoney
As his favorite meal ate baloney
To lend air of class
He'd wear suits by Bill Blass
And then finish his feast with spumoni.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

1533. Fresh fish

On his first day in stir, a young queer
Heard his cell mate say, "Get used to fear.
And use Nupercainal
For all the pains anal
You're gonna wind up with in here."

Friday, November 21, 2014

1532. Just plumb silly

A savvy home builder named Coen
Liked toilets made only by Moen
He once had used Crane
To get stuff down the drain
But they weren't best to keep water floen.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

1531. Only the stats suck

The wives who won't give any head
Are more num'rous, by far, than is said

By refusing, they blunder,
They ought not to wonder
Why husbands then stray from their bed.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

1530. Go fig-ure

An enormous sheep rancher, a glutton,
Had a world's-record-sized belly button
From this umbilicus
There grew a large ficus
Providing some shade for two mutton.

I had always said 'um-BILLY-cus' but my mother-in-law, an RN, pronounced it 'um-buh-LIE-cus.'  Thanks for the rhyme, Lahoma!

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

1529. High hard one

A well-hung young pitcher named Moore
Hit the heads of two girls in Row 4
"Why is it you bean us?"
They said; "It's your penis
We come to these baseball games for."

Monday, November 17, 2014

1528. Not much on his pate

There once was an old man in Rome
Just as hairless as St. Peter's dome
He tried using Rogaine
But it gave him no gain
So he had no need of a comb.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

1527. Titillating

You gals seem to be in a race
To see who stuffs the most in her face
In the past 30 years
You've grown big tits and rears

Just check this out: I breast my case!

Saturday, November 15, 2014

1526. He stole her heart...

To woo Carol Lombard to table
A fur coat was given by Gable
You probably think
It was made out of mink
But 'twas nicer than that -- Russian sable.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

1523-1525. I can vouch for my pouch

A woman sought knowledge empirical
That the nuts found on men are all spherical
For that crazy old hag
To feel ev'ry ball bag
Would have been nothing short of a miracle!

But one day near the bay known as Subic
She felt up a pair which were cubic!
That odd Philippino

Had drunk some bad vino
Which altered his area pubic.

She took him where nobody lurked
'Cause she wanted to know how they worked
He wanted to strangle her
When his rectangular
Solid dick she grabbed and jerked!

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

1522. Big Bird

A fellow once dined upon fowl
Got a bone caught -- let out a loud howl!
Took the cafe to court
The judge ruled it a tort

When he saw the bone poked through the jowl.
Poor guy might die o' rhea..

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

1521. Oh! Pus magnum

To slicken it, Twila used oils
In her cunt, but they only caused boils
When two fellows fought
Over Twila's tight twat
To the victor, it's true, went the spoils.

Monday, November 10, 2014

1520. Polar expressed

Cold front's on its way, what a bummer
Forecasters all say it's a numb-er
This air from the arctic
Will not prove cathartic
To us who love Indian Summer.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

1519. A rectal dysfunction

A bitch who loved anal named Harridge
Was one whom the men did disparage
You see, her first-class hole
(Right next to her ass hole)
She thought ought be saved until marriage.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

1518. Audiovile

There was a musician named Deere
Whose performances made people jeer
He once left a Theremin
Full of his cerumen
(Seems he played only by ear...)

When he appeared with Stokowski the concert was billed, "Leopold and Lobe."

Friday, November 7, 2014

1517. Suppose he lasted 8 seconds?

A criminal cowboy named Len
Spent twenty-five years in the pen
First day back in the 'hood
Fucked a girl, it was good
To be back in the saddle again.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

1516. Qui va là?

I've picked up a reader from France
Who regularly comes to glance
At my weak jeux de mots
Et à prendre les eaux
Please email if you have the chance.

I'd love to get to know ANY reader!  My address is in the banner atop each page.

Title translates to "Who goes there?" and line 4 to "And to take the waters", a reference to Rick's response when asked in the movie "Casablanca" why he had come there from France.

1515. Imagine the growth spurt!

There once was a man with a schlong
Which, when flaccid, was twelve inches long
He was quite circumspect
About getting erect
For he knew 'twould attract a large throng.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

1514. It would have been his centenary

My father was born on this date,
1914, and just let me state:
There was no better dad
Ever had by a lad
And my childhood was totally great!

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

1513. Would we become a satellite?

When the Soviet Union launched Sputnik
Americans all became gut sick
We had not kept the pace
On the race into space
And we feared that we might have to butt lick.

Monday, November 3, 2014

PD162-163. From The Auld Sod

There was a young girl from Balmoral
Whose habits were highly immoral.
For the price of a dime
She took three at a time,
One forward, one aft, and one oral.

A canny Scotch lass named McFargle
Sans coaxing and such argy-bargle
Would suck a man's pud
Just as hard as she could
And she saved up the sperm for a gargle.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

1512. The Miller's Tail

College students find lit'rature crazy
And learn from CliffsNotes ('cause they're lazy)
Winterbourne was the fella
In H. James' novella
Who hoped to be driving Miss Daisy.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

1511. His first big bang

A teen boy knew 'bang' was vernacular
For pleasuring other than jackular
Went totally loco,
Fucked Kaley Cuoco
And found they are real and spectacular!

Miss Cuoco's lovely rack is prominently displayed in every episode of "The Big Bang Theory."  She married pro tennis player Ryan Sweeting recently, dashing the hopes of many horny bachelors. (That's actually Teri Hatcher in the clip from a "Seinfeld" episode.  Glad she said it -- I needed fodder for today's rhyme.)