Monday, February 29, 2016

2008. Spilt milt

A curious fellow (a 'curiant?')
Was eager to see something prurient
He rented a skin flick
Then pounded his thin dick
And came in a torrent luxuriant.

OP250-253. Neither here nor there... except today!

If years ago, you're born on this day
You have a quadrennial birthday
Once every 4 years
We can truly say "Cheers!"
And drink several beers and say "Hooray!"

You're referred to as leapling or leaper
For 3 years, your big day is a sleeper
Age reminders are plenty
Though 80, you're 20
And here is a tipoff
Your birthdate's a ripoff
As birthday gift-giving gets cheaper.

The U.S. has 200 thou
Worldwide it's 5 million, oh wow!
The number of leapers
I say jeepers creepers
The time of conception
The rule or exception?
Fertility gods
Tell us, what are the odds?
1 in 1461, holy cow!

So if your birthday's 20 and 9
Happy birthday, unlucky Sunshine!
Go ahead, party hearty
Be burpy, be farty
Eat cake till you belch like a swine!

Sunday, February 28, 2016

2007. There is no truth, only perception

The author named Gustave Flaubert
For feelings of filles didn't care
He screwed Madame Bovary
Up to her ovary
Then left her lying there bare.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

2006. Geezerdom

Whenever I watch Jimmy Fallon
Of whisky, I ought drink a gallon
I'm like other old coots
'Cause his band (called The Roots)
Oft plays "music" that leaves me a-growlin'.

Friday, February 26, 2016

2005. On my Honoré

A virile young bastard named Paul Zach
Banged a woman from straight out of Balzac
Paul's own "Human Comedy"
Occurred on a samedi
When goo shot too soon from his ball sac.

OP249. Too fruity?

While women may walk down the street
And dream that a date would be sweet
We men may make merry
By popping a cherry
And saying, "it cannot be beet!"

Thursday, February 25, 2016

2004. What the ale?

When it comes to beer drinking, "Chug" Millikan
Is a guy who sure knows how to swill a can
In a second or two
He can quaff a whole brew
I'm not lyin', it's true, yes he really can.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

2003. No shot at stardom

An actor (a well-hung galoot)
Claimed that he was a satyr to boot
His climax?  Not ribald
For he only dribbled
While doing a porn movie shoot.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

2002. Misdirected near the Mississippi

Down in NOLA a guy tried to fool us
Gave directions which proved he was clueless
"Place you want will be seen
On the street Magazine"
But it wasn't -- 'twas on Tchoupitoulas.

"NOLA" is short for New Orleans, Louisiana.

Monday, February 22, 2016

2001. Thanks, Dave and Suzanne!

You'll read things here not found in books
Some can place on your face ghastly looks
Though they don't all enlighten
I'll keep on a-writin'
To entertain both you Canucks.
Canadians David Reddekopp and Suzanne Heymann are each daily readers of this blog.  They're also poets, as evidenced by their posts (e.g., see the two 'OP' entries just below.)  I value their faithfulness, fun, and friendship.

OP248. A Hallmark Milestone

So congratulations, Sir Funnybone
You've reached the 2000-mark milestone
Lim'ricks naughty and clean
Some a bit in between
Some obscene with a sheen of testosterone.

Your limmies are so stimulative
Some are genius, some quite educative
Some psychotic, unhinged
(More than once have I cringed-
There was one circumstance
Where I shit in my pants)
Some are silly, but fun
Some with many a pun
But they ALL have been done - so creative!

OP247. 2K A-OK

Congratulations on 2000 limericks, Phil.

All these limericks writ by your hand
How you've done it, I can't understand
And I can't compare. Curses!
Your volume of verses
Will dwarf me.  It's simply two grand.

2000. Upper berth, please

Unlike my opus magnum culminating in Limerick #1,000, this one is just another 5-liner.  Perhaps I should have entitled it, "Into the mouths of babes" but she seemed too skanky.
A French whore was stinky and louche
She had never been taught how to douche
One smell of her cunt
Made the johns give a grunt;
They'd fuck her, but just in her bouche.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

1998-1999. Demo day for Demos

The initial 'Demo' is short for 'demolition.'
Folks love or hate candidate Hillary
I'm in the group who'd like to pillory
If we faced a crisis
In dealing with ISIS
She'd likely say, "Pull our artillery."

What kind of a prez name is Bernie?
Still, it looks like he may make the journey
Winning Democrats' nod
(If his skinny old bod
Can hold up, not requiring a gurney.)

Saturday, February 20, 2016

1996-1997. GOP 5&6

Young Senator Rubio (Marco)
Seems never to be in the dark, oh
He's quick with a quote

Always uttered by rote
His bite might be worse than his bark, 'tho

The obnoxious blond billionaire, Trump,
Like a petulant child, has to grump
When not getting his way
Wish some pundit would say,
"Donald, you're like a toxic waste dump."

Friday, February 19, 2016

1994-1995. GOP 3&4

That conservative tea-bagger, Cruz,
When he opens his mouth, has to schmooze
Looks and talks like a pastor
He'd be a disaster
Oh, my, how I hope he does lose.

The guv from Ohio, John Kasich
When questioned does not seem evasich
Though not charismatic
Comes through as pragmatic
No radical, John appears 'basich.'

Thursday, February 18, 2016

1992-1993. GOP 1&2

Six Republicans and two Democrats are still in the running for a nomination.  I'll be goring a pair of them for four straight days.  They will appear in alphabetical order, GOP first.

The family lightweight, Jeb Bush,
Is no fighter, just sits on his tush
If chosen to lead
Progress he would impede
He's a weakling when shove comes to push.

The gentleman doctor, Ben Carson,
Seems quiet and sweet like a parson
No political hack
But he surely would lack
Enough moxie to shine like Greer Garson.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

1991. Watts up?

Of South L.A. I've an abhorrence
But I once fucked a whore there named Florence
Her methods were facile
And it was no hassle
To soon have me coming in Torrance.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

1990. Get-well wishes

One of the penpals I've made thru my AWAD postings is 84-yr-old Zelda Dvoretzky.  Formerly from Houston, she moved to Haifa three years ago to be nearer her daughter, Becca, who wrote last week that Zelda had suffered a broken leg when hit by a car while crossing a street,.  Becca wrote yesterday that her mom is improving.

Thanks, Becca, for updates on Zelda,
So sad that a car wreck befelled 'a

I hope she gets well
And her ankles don't swell
So that she can wear shoes like Imelda.

(Perhaps bought at Neiman Marcos...)

Monday, February 15, 2016

1989. The disappointing doctor

Bill Cosby was opportunistic
Took women on trips that were trystic
He slipped them (as preludes)
A couple of Quaaludes
To make them think he was a mystic.

Another version of this appears as my comment to OP241.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

1988. Happy V.D.

Her new boyfriend seemed like perfection
And she saw that he had an erection
Guess she got speared by Cupid
'Cause did something stupid
By fucking the guy sans protection.

OP242-246 Bloody Damn Valentine Curse


Be a stellar companion and friend
And a close confidante till the end
Be passionate, loving
Not pushy, no shoving
Be tactful, try not to offend.

Give her lots of attention and learn
To expect not too much in return
If she's mad, you should fear her
If sad, you could cheer her
To show that you do feel concern.

Remember each special occasion
Admit all your faults -- no evasion
Be loyal, don't cheat her
Like royalty treat her
Make her part of ev'ry equation.

Flowers/diamonds/sweets go a long way
When out dining, make sure that you pay
With every breath
You must say (until death)
Those three words, "I love you" ev'ry day.


A man's needs and wants are but few
Won't be asking a whole lot from you
For what joy that it brings
Do just two little things
Bring some beer, oh, and be naked too.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

1987. And then there were six

2/12 brought the end of Jim Gilmore
Won't be POTUS like old Millard Fillmore
Who even knew he

Had a candidacy?
Bet we soon see the downfall of still more.

Friday, February 12, 2016

1986. Good news, bad news

The oil glut's a problem that's global
Wouldn't bring laughs from even George Gobel
Gas is cheap at the pumps
But I'm taking my lumps
In the market.  (I own Exxon-Mobil.)

Thursday, February 11, 2016

1985. Batting .500 on my predictions

Wednesday, two Repubs threw in the towel
One female, one with a huge bowel
Not many are misty
'Bout losing Chris Christie
And too few folks heard Carly howl.

I successfully predicted the demise of Carly Fiorina in #1982-1983, but also guessed John Kasich would drop out.  He was 2nd (behind Trump) in the NH primary!

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

1984. We'd probably vote for Attila

Seeking office inside Oklahoma?
Just be weird like the art in the MOMA
Oh, and one other thing,
Be like France's Sun King --
So far right, you'll keep folks in a coma.

MOMA=Museum of Modern Art.  Louis XIV was the SK.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

1982-1983. Who stays? Who goes?

Of Repubs try'n to get out the word
It seems like the number's absurd
But one thing's for damp sure
The folks in New Hampshire
Will help us by thinning the herd.

Which candidate will we next dump
So that fewer will stand on the stump?
Prob'ly Kasich or Carly
Though neither's as gnarly
As who I'd like gone -- Donald Trump.

Today is the presidential primary election in N.H.  Republicans on the ballot are Bush, Carson, Christie, Cruz, Fiorina, Gilmore, Kasich, Rubio, Trump.

Monday, February 8, 2016

1981. Dry dessert

After taking his woman to lunch
Mike wanted a bit more to munch
Though he thought that his sweet 'un
Might like being eaten

It turned out he just had a hunch.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

1980. Probably more than I deserve

20,000 hits made on my blog!
That pleases this old glory hog.
And though some posts glitter
If they were on Twitter
Ten million the airwaves might clog!

Actually, the StatCounter™ at the bottom left of each page isn't accurate.  Visits from phones aren't logged and certain firewalls even 'hide' computer visits.  On the other hand, if a visitor stays on for very long, he gets counted several times!  I block my visits so as not to skew the stats any more than they are.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

OP241. I'll probe her sober

I am not one of those alcoholics
If you hear I drink beer, then it's bollocks
I still go to the bar

Spy on women who are
And take home one who's frisky and frolics.

1979. One hit wonder

In Russia was born Mikhail Glinka
Who was known as a very deep thinka
Wrote "Ruslan and Lyudmila"
Chez dacha (a villa)
Its overture sure ain't a stinka.

Friday, February 5, 2016

1978. No rubber might rub 'er the wrong way

Contraceptives? They could have used some
For the girlfriend was left feeling numb
When he shot his white stuff
In a glob on her muff
Having pulled out before she had come.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

1977. Definitely a DOGgerel

The corn dog would probably rank
As my fav'rite fair food.  You can bank
On its growing much fatter
Once cooked in that batter --
An uncircumcised Nathan's frank.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

1976. Calliope catastrophe

The poetry muse has grown muddy
My lim'ricks now seem somewhat cruddy
A sexual session
Might lend inspiration;
Suzanne, would you be my fuck buddy?

She's my only regular female reader... and I write this?!

Suzanne Heymann here...

OP237-240. Reply to #1976

Well, I choked and coughed drinking my tea
I sprayed it out all over me
When I read the last line
Of your lim'rick, you swine
I could just see you grinning with glee!

Well, you certainly do have the guts
To post this in public; you're nuts!
What am I gonna do
With impossible you?
I've been cornered, no ifs, ands, or butts.

Your request puts you in a tight spot
And your fantasy does diddly squat --
2000 miles plus
All but separate us
The hot plot that you sought is all shot.

Shock treatments might help you in bed
(But somehow I received one instead)
A sex therapist ought
To help where I cannot
To move on -- you just might get a head.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

1975. At the bottom of the stare

I called up my buddy named Joe
And asked, "Where the hell did you go?"
"To the beach," he replied,
"And you'd love what I've spied --
Every girl seems to have camel toe."

Monday, February 1, 2016

PD213-216. Nearly naughty

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude
        Saw a man come along
        And, unless I am wrong
You expected this line to be lewd.

A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
Sold cigars at a Key Club concession
        When she swiveled about
        Even strong men cried out
For her costume did not keep her flesh in.

A cautious young fellow named Lodge
Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge
        When his date was strapped in
        He committed a sin
Without even leaving his grodge.

A corpulent maiden named Kroll
Had a notion exceedingly droll
        At a masquerade ball,
        Dressed in nothing at all,
She backed in as a Parker House roll.

You can tell these were lifted from another site.  L3-4 are indented.