Thursday, October 31, 2013

1178. You may crap after reading

A Japanese slut overseas
Had breasts which were certain to please
She'd point at her chest
And slyly suggest,
"Hey, mister, you rike nipponese?"

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

1177. Reel relief

There once was a husband named Kettle
Whose wife sorely tested his mettle
To escape her derision
He'd leave and go fishin'
Which put him in much finer fettle.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

PD95-97. More classics

There once was a rich old roué
Who felt himself slipping away.
He endowed a large ward
In a house where he'd whored.
Was a crowd at his funeral?  I'll say!

There was an old parson of Lundy,
Fell asleep in his vestry on Sunday.
He awoke with a scream:
"What, another wet dream!
This comes from not frigging since Monday."

A sheep-herder outside Van Buren
Lost half of his flock with the murrain.
Quoth the state veterinary,
"You ought not to carry
Them spirochetes found in your urine.

Monday, October 28, 2013

1176. 1000 cc rider

There once was a German named Dieter
Who owned an incredible peter
It was long, it was thick,
And was such a big dick
Its displacement was more than a liter.

You need to be pretty old to recognize the rock song in my title.

1175. It's the Series, dearies!

Some sportsmen enjoy going hunting
While boatsmen would much prefer punting
But this time of year
It's baseball that's near
To my heart.  Love red, white, and blue bunting.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

1174. The screw-cap fetters

Apologies to C.S. Lewis for that title.
A wino prefers not to dine
Instead, drinks the fruit of the vine
Each time he does tipple
Some Night Train or Ripple
He winds up in jail (not so fine.)

Friday, October 25, 2013

1173. My WORST limerick

Filthy enough for ya?
There once was a dastardly dinge
Who would get your ass cheeks to unhinge
He would next fuck your butt
As he called you his slut
Then retrieve his cum with a syringe.

In NYC in the mid '60s, 'dinge' was slang for 'black homosexual.'  Still?

OP127. My wurst limerick

There once was a woman named Kirstin
Who told me that I could be first in
I started with foreplay
Till she said "No more play,
I need you to put your bratwurst in."

Thursday, October 24, 2013

1172. I've heard a pinprick also works

While screwing a gal, crafty Phil
Thought the woman was lying too still
He inserted his thumb
In the hole in her bum
And she came with an extra large thrill.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

1171. I hate it, too

There once was a tourist named Murry,
Went to India, tried out the curry.
He hated the smell
And it didn't sit well
Had to head for the loo in a hurry.

Monday, October 21, 2013

1170. The better to humor you with

P.G. Wodehouse (say 'wood-house') was one of the funniest writers of the 20th century.  His unusually-pronounced surname provided the fodder for the following:

A girl went to walk through the wode
On her head, wore a bright crimson hode
While headed to granny
Had sex with a man, he
Declared, "Wow, your pussy feels gode!"

Sunday, October 20, 2013

1169. Jewish baggage

Overloaded, the poor bell-hop crept
Up six flights, and though he was adept
It took quite a while
And the guest didn't smile,
"What took so long?"  "I over-schlepped."

OP125-126. The bishop is back

There once was a bishop of Birmingham
And an altar boy set on infirming him

He lifted his frock
And cut off his cock

So he couldn't shoot any more sperm in him.

or...

There once was a bishop of Birmingham
Who liked to have a trouser worm in him
When subjected to jail
He rejected his bail
He says he's got a full prison term in him.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

1168. He's already there

A patrolman discovered young Bart
With his tongue in the twat of a tart.
They were in the back seat,
"Go to Wendy's to eat!"
Said the cop.  Girl: "That's me, have a heart!"

Friday, October 18, 2013

1167. Pennant for St. Louis!

The Dodgers were playing my Redbirds,
In the past that has meant I have said words
That would make sailors blush
But tonight we did crush
Those blue-clad young men into dead turds.

1165-1166. Empty-nesters again

Our kids left for homes near the sea
One to Jersey and one to S.C.
They helped us with labors
(Sure wish they were neighbors)
They're wondrous as wondrous can be!

Though they're in their 30s, I kiss 'em.
I'm sad and I already miss 'em
They're never vexatious
Just totally precious
And I'll have your hide if you dis 'em.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

1164. All aboard!

There once was a man named McCurdy
Whose erect cock was so long and sturdy
It could hold up three 'coons,
Four cats and five loons
Plus the monkey from Sal's hurdy-gurdy.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

1163. Bitch with an itch

An optimist husband from Chad
Has the right to be sad or be mad
Says, "My wife has the scabies
All over her labies
But guess what?  She doesn't smell bad."

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

1162. Norman's Conquest

Denmark's not the one place things are rotten
Did you see OU play in the Cotton
Bowl?  Heupel's a farce,
Bob Stoops can be an arse,
Thank God some day I will have forgotten.


Josh Heupel is OU's offensive (in both senses) coordinator.  Stoops is head coach.

Monday, October 14, 2013

1161. Now get this strait

When I take a visit to Mackinac
The sites I see cure what I lackinac.
Since autos are barred
Girls ride bikes, I get hard,
When their tits jiggle, I start in jackinac."

You did get Mackinaw, lack in awe, and jackin' o(ff), right?

Sunday, October 13, 2013

1160. Away from the waves

A savvy old pirate named Wright
Put his boat in a bay overnight
This anchorage deep
Let his crew get some sleep
And his barque was no worse for the bight.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

1159. Window undressing

A man who's considered demure
In fact, does things which are impure
If the truth it be known
He likes jerking his bone
While peeping, that dirty voyeur.

Friday, October 11, 2013

1157-1158. A week back in the nest

Both our kids are arriving today
For a visit from quite far away
Each lives near the east coast
Both are great (have to boast)
We anticipate quite a nice stay!

We're hosting our son-in-law, too
But our son will just have to make do
His wife must remain
Her boss wouldn't deign
To give her the week off, oh pooh!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

1156. Gotta love those apologists

If you're male then I'll bet you're among
The large number who wish they were hung
They assume that all wenches
Want more than six inches
Researchers say, "That is just dung."
In the 60's I took comfort from this commercial.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

1155. 52 pick-me-up

After hosting two tables for bridge
I went to get punch from my 'fridge
The talk had been boring
I'd done little scoring
So I spiked the bowl just a smidge.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

1154. Ride 'em, copgirl!

A rugged police woman, Madelyn,
Could only orgasm by straddlin'
She'd find a male cop
Lay him down, climb on top,
If he came first she'd give him a paddlin'.

Monday, October 7, 2013

1153. Florida torrid affair

Apologies to Edgar Allen Poe...
An SF queer (an' a bel, he)
Fills and gets filled with more than just glee
Takes his Roca Baton*
Down to Boca Raton
To love and be loved 'side the sea.

If people speak "Spanglish", then Roca (Sp.) + Baton (Fr.) is "Spench" for (hard as a) 'rock stick'

Sunday, October 6, 2013

1152. Golf, etc. weekend

Four guys to the park known as Roman
Nose went, played golf into the gloamin'.
Told jokes, farted loud,
Crapped to make a mule proud
And no one's hair got any combin'.
Thanks, good buddies, for a super weekend!  Wonder how many days it will take to get all the alcohol out of our systems?

Saturday, October 5, 2013

1151. Drinking for a living

There once was a fellow named Neal
Whose stomach was huge, made of steel
He could drink so much Yuengling
The brothers named Ringling
Hired Neal for his sideshow appeal.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

1150. Limping thru life

An impotent loser named Cass
Sure wanted his first piece of ass
He felt he might score
If he went to a whore

But no rise in his dick came to pass.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

1149. "And he shingles up the middle!"

Two in a row on America's Pastime..
They've taken me off of the roster
I can still play!  I'm not an impostor!
It's 'cause everyone's bitching
About all the itching
I have from my damned Herpes zoster.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

1148. Stop at third!

A semi-pro girl softball player
Has a deal with the town's horny mayor
She exposes her nipples
Whenever she triples
To increase the money he'll pay 'er.