Tuesday, February 28, 2017

2407. She's asexual being

No matter how loudly that you rant
Or beg, there's no way you'll make Sue pant.
Besides being frigid
Her morals are rigid
She'll never be fucked down in Durant.

Pop. 17K.  Most Okies accent the 2nd syl. but a few stress the 'Du.'  They probably also say POlice, DEfense, CEment, and INsurance...
You'll find it pronounced 'properly' in #2226

Monday, February 27, 2017

2406. Not written on a dare

If you speed in the small town of Adair
And get stopped by a cop who says, "Hey, dere."
Don't give him no lip
Or you'll go on a trip
To the jail, where you'll pay or you'll stay dere.

Pop. 800.  Not sure why the first syllable gets the accent.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

2405. Inuit before you told me

The Pacific Northwest has its totem poles
And the native folk there say, "No votem polls."
When it comes to the squaws
They're too busy, can't pause,
While the men stay at home stroking scrotum poles.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

2404. Letter perfect

A wide spot in the road, IXL,
Is pronounced as three letters.  I tell
You so when you drive through
You'll know just what to do;
Roll your window down, yell, "I excel!!"

Pop. c. 50.  Read all about it by clicking its name.

Friday, February 24, 2017

2403. Making Ludwig proud

There's a string group I think you should know
Better yet, they're in town -- you should go!
When it comes to the lit
Which for quartets was writ
None can play better than The Miró!

They are playing all 16 of Beethoven's string quartets in six concerts over nine days.  Phenomenally good!

2402. Rural plural sounds

While driving the rough streets of Hollis
My friend and I heard two girls call us
The town's hardly urban
So it was disturbin'
To hear them shout, "Hey, wanna ball us?"

Hollis, OK.  Pop. about 1,900.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

2401. Thirteen since the 1890s!

Tornados have oft ripped the core
From this OKC suburb of lore
If you go on a tour
Do not say it like "moor"
Or they'll think you're a snob there in Moore.

Pop. around 60K.  Click this to learn.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

2400. Shouldn't shoot in that chute

There's a girl in the village of Wagoner
And each horny farm boy enjoys taggin' 'er
That is, 'til their cocks
Need a trip to the doc's
Then they think about shotguns and baggin' 'er.

Another Oklahoma town, pop. 8,700.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

2399. Call the Webbmaster

The alt-right's big hero, Steve Bannon,
Has dastardly deeds which he's plannin'
To loose on us all.
It's time we gave a call
To Joe Friday and Officer Gannon.

Jack Webb played Sgt. Friday on TV's 50s-60s police drama, Dragnet.

Monday, February 20, 2017

OP415. Trois, compagnie (Three's company)

I'm not fluent enough to be what you'd consider bilingual, but I had the rhymes and basic storyline I wanted on my own.  Got some translation help from Google to tie up any loose ends.  This is one of those experiments I wanted to try once to see if I could.

Quand dit un homme nommé François
"Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?"
Elle a dit, "Mon ami
Peut rejoindre aussi?"
Ils avaient donc un ménage a trois.

The English version doesn't scan as a limerick: 

When said a man named Francois,
"Do you want to sleep with me?"
She said, "My friend
Can join too?"
So they had a threesome.

2398. Gettin' friendly

A top at the Castro Street "Y"
Did a prissy young fellow espy
From behind he said, "Yum!
Where's your tasty ass from?"
The twink turned and said gaily, "Ojai!"

Vetted and modernized by my gay SF friend, Robin.  He informed me that aggressives are now called 'tops' (not bulls) and that passives are 'bottoms' or 'twinks' (not nancies.)

Sunday, February 19, 2017

2397. Not to mention 'obscene'

Trump is arrogant, rude, and quite mean
I'm convinced he is sick in his bean
The press loudly decried
Chaos.  Donald denied

with, "We run like a fine-tuned machine!"

Saturday, February 18, 2017

2395-2396. AWAD toughies

Necking in the front seats with her man jock
Girl remarked, "Want to make this old van rock?"
Pulled a page from her purse
Said in manner most terse,
"Then this marriage cert. needs your John Hancock."

That traitorous Benedict Arnol'
Down in hell spends a lifetime etarnal
His act of great treason
Begs Q: What's the reason
They upped the man's rank beyond Calonel?

OP414. Inspired by Flynn's demise

Zelda Dvoretzky --- introduced in OP391-392 --- shows she still has it.
May I offer a simple solution
To the White House's sad diminution?
     It's a  cheap, easy plan;
     Just find someone who can
Give a crash course on our Constitution.

Friday, February 17, 2017

OP401-413. The Schitt List

This one ate up most of my night.  I tried to stay as close to the story as possible.  I added a name I found in the comments, because I had a use for it.  This is a helluva lot longer than any I've tried before.  Enjoy!

Some people just haven't a clue
Has anyone said this to you
While throwing a fit?
"Well, you don't know Jack Schitt!"
I know Jack, and his family too.

We begin the day O. Schitt met Awe
He, at Kneedeep & Schitt, practiced law
As a senior advisor
She sold fertilizer
Their marriage, well, no one foresaw

But of charm, young O. Schitt had no lack
Before long, he had Awe in the sack
In predictable fashion
The result of their passion
Was a young little Schitt, name of Jack

Jack Schitt wed a woman named Noe
And six children on him she'd bestow
They were very religious
And their love life, prodigious
I'll tell of the children below

Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt
Then Bull Schitt and the twins would be it
The twins, Deap and Dip
Were joined at the hip
(No, not literally), but close-knit

Deap's choice of the man she had wed
Well, he wasn't quite right in the head
And a bit of a bum 
But this fellow, named Dumb
Went and took on her surname instead

Dip Schitt met a girl, Loda Dung
She thought he was cute, and well hung
So they wed, had a kid
Maybe sorry they did
For the child, Chicken Schitt, was high-strung

Well, the young men lost all hope of bedding
Either Fulla or Giva. Upsetting!
But the girls lost their poise
Near the cute Happens boys
So they had a Schitt-Happens joint wedding

And between them, the two had three boys
They'd run wild, and would make lots of noise
And the children, of course,
They were Byrd, Dawg, and Hoarse
Always making a mess of their toys

Bull Schitt had applied for a visa
Saw the pyramids standing at Giza
After visiting Rome
He would then return home
With a towering woman, named Pisa

After fifteen years Jack and Noe split
Jack, in Wertha, found more of a fit
When she asked about Noe
Jack would say, "She's fine, though
In the bedroom she's not Wertha Schitt!"

Mr. Sherlock, though forty and bald
Courted Noe, and he kept her enthralled
When she wed him, she stated
Her name, hyphenated
Noe Schitt-Sherlock, she is now called

There it is, the entire Schitt clan
You now know every woman and man
Anytime you are hit
With "You don't know Jack Schitt"
You will prove them all wrong, for you can.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

2394. Great cook, though

In my home there's no sexual scoring
Think I'll go out and find a gal whoring
Such an act would be fraught
With the fear I'd get caught
But should keep life from being so boring.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

2393. Ship of State of fools

Each day, the news brings on more din
Who's the latest Trump crony to sin?
Tillerson?  Kellyanne?
Sessions?  Pruitt?  McMahon?
Let's make the phrase read, "Out like Flynn."

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

2392. Small town, small price

A whore from the town of Eufaula
Liked wearing a spiked rhinestone colla'
When you stuck in your log
She would bark like a dog
Best of all, she charged only a dolla'!

Home of the Selmon brothers, OU football stars.  Pop. 2,900.

Monday, February 13, 2017

2391. Ours has more than one whitehorse

Lots of Czechs live their lives out in Yukon
Home of Garth (whom you'd best not rebuke on)
If you drink too much beer
You'll have nothing to fear
There are plenty of silos to puke on.

Population is 25,000.  Just west of OKC.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

2390. Failed pick-up line

I first sucked the tits of my ma,
Since then, more I've put in my jaw.
And I am confessin',
When we start undressin'
You'd better get out of your bra.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

2389. "A woman drove me to drink..."

A drunkard set down his 5th flagon
Heading out said, "I'm now on the wagon."
Returned  in an hour
Announced (face all a-glower),
"Set 'em up, I can't stand my wife's naggin'."

My title -- the start of a quote by WC Fields -- ends,
"and I never even had the decency to thank her."

Friday, February 10, 2017

2388. Too urban, quite disturbin'

There once was a man, Bevilacqua,
Who grew up in the burg of Sasakwa
But it seemed way too busy
So drove his tin lizzie
To Kansas to live in Chautauqua.

Sasakwa OK has 150 souls, the KS town has 111.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

2387. Below-the-belt brain

When a man sees a pretty girl's bust
He instantly starts in to lust
His hardening wiener
Says, "Stick me between her
Two legs with a powerful thrust!"

OP400. Shit head

Well, only the skankiest whore'll
Do anal before doing oral
If you do this, you taste
Your own bodily waste
Butt first, it's completely immoral.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

2386. I Amway disappointed

This country may soon come to blows
O'er the rich bitch named Betsy DeVos
Educators all squirmed
When the Pence vote confirmed
Her.  More reason to Donald depose.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

OP393-399. Dump Team Trump

The pick of Vice-President Pence
At first doesn't make any sense
But if Trump's in a hearse
Perhaps Pence would be worse
And therein lies the Donald's defense

The old propagandist, Steve Bannon
Is, much like the prez, a loose cannon
His boss is the brashest
And fearlessly fascist

A pawn for pursuing his plan in

There's the press secretary, Sean Spicer
Who I wish was more honest, and nicer
But he lies for a living

Which I'm not forgiving
Would telling the truth be conciser?

Trump's team needs to go quite a long way
"Alternative facts" are the wrong way
This regime is a fraud
And it seems rather odd
It's a clue that their counselor's "Con"way.

If you're asking me to diagnose
The appointment of Betsy DeVos
Well, I think it's a bummer
The kids will be dumber

Her qualifications? Not close.

I don't like Trump's AG pick, Jeff Sessions
He'll commit a whole host of transgressions

His idea of justice
Would surely disgust us
He should begin making confessions.

And last but not least, there's the Don
From the start he's been putting us on
When he's done with this scam
He is going to scram
Although, sadly, the rest won't be gone.

2385. Pen name Lindsay Crane

A gal in NoCal, name of Linda,
On Facebook has let me befrienda
I’ll put there some toasts
But no penile ripostes
(Might offend ev’ry friend o’ her genda.)

She's one of the authors of and the force behind Limericks in the Time of TrumpIf you've read it, we would appreciate your reviewing it at Amazon.

Monday, February 6, 2017

2384. Fragile Freedoms

1791 was the year
That our Bill of Rights went into gear
But these ten extra laws
No longer give pause
To a lot of our leaders, I fear.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

2383. Dear John

Prostitution remains quite illicit
But "No sex" from my wife is implicit
So when I want a session
Of genital meshin'
I have to go out and solicit.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

2382. DWB = "Driving While Black."

There's a new TV show, "Live PD"
About POlice Departments, and gee,
There is never a lack
Of bad guys who are black
Tulsa's featured; perhaps you'll see me!

Good show!  It's on A&E Friday nights but they're doing bonus coverage tonight -- Sat., Feb. 4.  They have cameramen riding with officers in several locales -- Phoenix, SLC, Columbia SC, Tulsa, Walton County FL, and 3-4 more.

It is SCARY how many cars they stop for minor infractions and then smell weed.  In doing "probable cause" searches, MJ, meth, coke, and guns are very often discovered --- and these are NOT staged pullovers.  I may quit driving --- criminals are everywhere!

Friday, February 3, 2017

PD292-295. Borderline bawdy

And they all start with the same six words...
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
        The dress caught on fire
        And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.

There was a young lady named Etta
Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
        Three reasons she had:
        To keep warm wasn't bad,
But the other two reasons were betta.

There was a young lady named Smith
Whose virtue was largely a myth.
        She said, "Try as I can
        I can't find a man
Who it's fun to be virtuous with."

There was a young lady named Wilde
Who kept herself quite undefiled
        By thinking of Jesus;
        Contagious diseases;
And fearing she might have a child.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

2381. If you catch my drift (off)

A man who oft dozed down in Natchez
And was hung, so had girlfriends in batches,
Said, "I hate when you slap me a-
wake from Sleep Apnea,
I like my snoozing in snatches."

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

2380. Tough guys, or Cuban Gristle (ISIS)

At Guantanamo, in the Caribbean,
We've a base for Marines (they're amphibian)
Our best troops without fail
Spend time guarding the jail
Full of terrorists Afghan and Libyan.