Monday, September 30, 2013

1147. Under a canopy, perhaps

A woman zoo keeper, Amanda,
Wanted servants -- took home a large panda.
She taught it to think
And to mix any drink

Served with canapés on her veranda.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

1146. Gem dandy

I know of a woman named Meryl
Whose clit is as hard as a beryl
If her pussy you crave
Then you'd better be brave
You'll be putting your pecker in peryl.

I learned this by doing a streep search...

Friday, September 27, 2013

1145. Bussman's holiday

A kiss-loving rascal named Goocher
Found a girl whose mouth needed a suture
To close it, this predator

Both wooed 'er and bedded 'er
While constantly getting to smooch 'er.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

1144. A capitol fellow!

While taking the tour of the U.S. Capitol today, I met a very nice man from WV.
This fellow I met, Denis Cooper,
Said his name might have one time been 'Hooper'
Each made barrels and casks
But if anyone asks
Denis' preference is "find gal and schtupp 'er."

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

1143. Good gracious!

The lim'rick is often salacious
Abounding with women vivacious
Who get chased by men

Having both yen and ken
To catch them and do acts rapacious.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

PD92-94. Gorey stuff

Edward Gorey was an American author and artist.  His limericks were almost always clean (and spooky like his drawings.)  Learn more HERE.
A gift was delivered to Laura,
From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah.
Wrapped in tissue and crêpe,
It was peeled, like a grape,
And emitted a pale, greenish aura...

Each night Father fills me with dread
When he sits at the foot of my bed;
I'd not mind that he speaks
In gibbers and squeaks,
But for seventeen years he's been dead...

The Dowager Duchess of Spout
Collapsed at the height of a rout.
She found strength to say,
As they bore her away,
"I should never have taken the trout."

Ed. note: If you understand the last line, please comment.  It's eluding me...

Monday, September 23, 2013

1142. Next time, a hot dog and a coke

In hopes he'd get laid, bachelor Virge
On his blind date decided to splurge
Bought her filet mignon
And for wine, Haut Brion --
Nine hundred bucks later, no merge.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

1141. Thin Ben

There once was a fellow named Benny
Whose Johnson was awfully mini.
One that's little like that
Is quite often fat
But Benny's was both short and skinny.

PD90-91. Fine for a while...

The limerick, peculiar to English,
 Is a verse-form that's hard to extinguish.
 Once Congress in session
 Decreed its supression
 But people got around it by writing the last line without any rhyme or metre.

 There was a young man of Japan
 Whose limericks never would scan.
 When they asked him why,
 He said, with a sigh,
 "It's because I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can."

Friday, September 20, 2013

1140. Can't uranium in rather than killing 'em?

A chemistry prof (judge and jury)
Had students who brought him to fury.
Took them off to the stadium
And killed 'em with radium
In honor of Madame M. Curie.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

1139. Pedal to the meddle

A nasty old bastard with wile
Rides a bike while in search of a chile
Each kid that he catches
He buggers and lech-es
The headline?  "Cops Seek Pedalphile"

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

1138. Half Nelson

As Willie has been wont to say,
"Ain't it funny how time slips away?"
I find as I age
I'm becoming less sage
Never thought it would be quite this way...

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

1137. I promise not to*

As a sweet young thing nibbled my knob
I felt it beginning to throb
Now she is forlorner
'Cause I didn't warn her

'Fore filling her cheeks with my gob.

* The three biggest lies in the world are
"I love you," "The check is in the mail," and "I promise not to come in your mouth."

Monday, September 16, 2013

1136. Sari state of affairs

Miss America judges must toke --
Chose an Indian woman, no joke!
New York's Davuluri

Is causing a fury
Among xenophobicky folk.

She is a citizen of Indian heritage.  (That's "dot", not "feather" Indian.)

Saturday, September 14, 2013

1135. Unsound on the mound

My team has a left-handed flinger
Whose ex-girlfriend gave him the finger
Fucked a right-handed pitcher
Which made Lefty ditch 'er
He's pissed and each game, yields a dinger.

"Dinger" is baseball slang for a home run.

Friday, September 13, 2013

1134. The power of suggestion

While drunk in a bar that was smoky
Shot my wad as I watched Karaoke
How a slut held the mic
Made me fondle my spike,
The cops arrived.  I'm in the pokey.

Speaking of indecent exposure, in the 1970 movie, "The Owl and the Pussycat", Streisand plays a part-time hooker.  She takes George Segal into a porn movie and the hat-check girl says, "Do you want to check your raincoat?"  Segal says, "I'm not wearing a raincoat."  Hat-check girl says, "Wanna rent one?"  Funny (and pre-PeeWee Herman.)

OP124. Pasta sauce soon to follow

Prego, perhaps?

There once was a couple named Sweeney
He licked clit while she sucked on his weenie

And her crabs, they joined hands
And made sixty-nine strands
You could say it was cunnilinguini.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

OP123. Bit off more than he could chew

There once was a glutton named Gromit
Went through food with the speed of a comet

He then felt a great evil
A gastric upheaval

And henceforth proceeded to vomit.

1133. I hate computers

I have me a laptop from Dell
And most of the time it works well
When it don't it is oft
Due to ol' Microsoft
They've written the OS from hell.

And I have Windows7-- not the dreaded 8!

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

OP122. A dirty poet and I surely know it

Some people prefer the haiku
They're clean and they're easy to do
But I'm a limericker
They're longer and sicker
And if you don't like it, fuck you!

Ed. note: This brought to mind one I wrote.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

1132. A bit forward, maybe?

I know lots of girls and I call 'em
To see if they might let me ball 'em
I do not understand
Why so few want my gland
Guess they think that I might try to maul 'em.

Monday, September 9, 2013

1131. AWAD

This limerick was inspired by one of my favorite websites, A Word A Day.   You can (and should) sign up for it HERE.  Today's word appears as the last in my first line.

There once was a stupid factotum
Castrated, so he had no scrotum*
This lowly apprentice
Was non compos mentis
None read his memoirs when he wrote 'em.

*He could read, but not shoot, AWAD

Sunday, September 8, 2013

1130. Doubly premature

As after my quarry I crept
My heart in my chest fairly leapt!
It made me so squirrely
My gun went off early --
At hunting and sex I'm inept.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

1129. But we have oral sex

There used to be joy in my life
And lots of it due to my wife
Now things come between us
(But rarely my penis)

And cause us much marital strife.
Oral sex in our case means passing in the hallway and trading "Fuck you's"

Friday, September 6, 2013

PD88-89. Definitive humor

These two also appear in Billington's collection (see PD81-87 notes.)
The limerick is furtive and mean;
 You must keep it in close quarantine,
 Or it sneaks to the slums
 And promptly becomes
 Disorderly, drunk and obscene.

 It needn't have ribaldry's taint
 Or strive to make everyone faint.
 There's a type that's demure
 And perfectly pure
 Though it helps quite a lot if it ain't.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

1128. It's difficult (can't use 'hard')

To write a clean lim'rick is tough
One cannot use language that's rough

Or even a smatter
Of lewd subject matter
(Like folks doing things in the buff.)

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

1127. What did she d'rectum to portray?

A very weird woman named Vinkter
Had a tat artist 'paint' 'round her sphincter
While arting her anus
Her farting was heinous
So after he'd inked 'er, he dinked 'er!

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

1126. Not the Jersey Shore whore

Southern Illinois University is located in Carbondale.  The saluki dog is its mascot.
A hot gal in Carbondale, Snookie,
Will happily give you free nookie.
Upperclassmen at college
Pass on this fine knowledge
To each male incoming Saluki.

This info seems infinitely better to know than some secret fraternity handshake.

Monday, September 2, 2013

OP119-121. Crass? Well, maybe just a bit

Robin, my gay friend from San Fran, could put us all to shame were he to become a regular poster here.  He has left many clever comments in the past, signed "Amanda B. Reckonedwith", "Helena Handbasket", etc.  Here's a sample of his poetic talent, just received via email:

I really don't mean to be crass
In telling you of the hot ass
On this young stud named Bud
Who was pulling my pud.
'Twas awesome, what then came to pass:

At first he backed onto my dick,
Until I lost sight of that prick!
He wiggled away
Through the night.  And next day,
The thing REALLY started to click!

My cock finally quit young Bud's ass.
We'd fucked till we ran out of gas!
(I'd tell you some more
Of this awesome boy-whore,
But I've said I don't mean to be crass.)

Sunday, September 1, 2013

1125. Rubyought to be her name

Khayyam kind of proud of that title...

A mid-eastern rascal named Ali
Picked up a young miss and did dally
With loaf, jug, and her

And when he stroked her fur,
She let him slip into her valley.