Saturday, June 24, 2017

PD300-301. Two ungodly ones

There was a young girl of Gibraltar
Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
It really seems odd
That a virtuous God
Should answer her prayers and assault her.

There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
Perceiving his error,
The Rabbi in terror
Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"

Friday, June 23, 2017

2551-2557. Bon Anniversaire to big bro

It was during the 2nd World War
The year was Nineteen Forty Four
That on June twenty-third
Your voice was first heard
And thus began musical lore.

You started piano at six
At Miss Lucas' home in the sticks
Johns Thompson and Schaum
Wrote the books dad and mom
Bought to teach you your digital licks.

At 18 you got into J.
Martin Kanin did polish your play.
You married Miss Ann,
Got your Masters, then ran
Off to teach in far west I-o-way.

Entered Queen E. and wowed the Bruxellians
By now, life with Ann brought rebellions
Thought no one could be colder,
Wed Bev, moved to Boulder,
Much later she joined with the hellions.

But first, life was lovely and blissy
Along came your only child, Chrissie.
She's the pride of your life
Too bad Bev, as a wife,
Became prone to throw fits that were hissie.

And speaking of fit, you've stayed leaner
Than most men your age, also cleaner
You don't cherchez les femmes
Any more, you found glam-
or ascending each Rocky Fourteener.

I could deftly continue to say
How much you've impressed with the way
That you've conquered each pitfall
In life, and let it fall
Aside, now enjoy your birthday!

2550. Off to the clip joint

A man hated to get hard in Coyle
For he had on his dick a large boil
Though he wasn't Jewish
Knew just what to do-ish,
He had it removed by a mohel.

Pop. 352

Thursday, June 22, 2017

2549. He should've bottom a drink first

Some bluenoses walking through Weatherford
Were offended when they altogether heard
A man say, "nice ass"
As he happened to pass.
They weren't very fond of that nether word.

Pop. 11,978

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

2548. Neologistic nickname

An AWAD e-pal challenged me and my fellow Limericks in the Time of Trump authors to rhyme the final word.  I was the only participant, so I guess mine wins!
If you're among 45's henchmen
You'd better not act like a linchpin
Lay low, that's the story
Don't steal Donald's glory
Or else you'll bring out Trumplethinskin.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

2547. Should've C'rest 'em first

A Cherokee badass in Tahlequah
Was constantly looking to foul a maw
With a load of his cum
Squirted on teeth and gum,
If he heard, "No," he might disembowel a squaw.

Pop. 16,741

Monday, June 19, 2017

2546. Gotcha, gaucha!

An Argentine cowgirl named Lola
Got a job on a spread in Pocola.
The ranch foreman said
When he found three calves dead,
"Quit ropin' them cows with that bola!"

Pop. 4K

Sunday, June 18, 2017

2545. Mine would hide like a turtle

There once was an athlete named Jake
Who swam in an ice-laden lake
Though the cold made him shudder
He used for a rudder
His lengthy and thick one-eyed snake.

OP429-431. For men only... Happy Father's Day!

With sunshine and clouds made of cotton
Not a single dad should be forgotten
So today, right on cue
I wish each one of you
Happy Father's Day, do get spoiled rotten!

Ev'ry day, there's a surefire way
To have fun, so just hear what I say:
Read each verse (fill your head)
Even those typed in red
And the archives ain't dead; come and play!

And so even if you're not a dad
Come around anyway, you'll be glad!
With no 'dad' boots to fill
You can read here at will
You've got time you can kill and be bad.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

2544. James 1: 26

Found here... (then scroll to verse 26.)
A pastor with church in Purcell
Wrecked his car, a Toyota Tercel.
When the man saw the damage
That came from the slammage
Townfolk heard that preacher curse well.

Pop. 6,370.

Friday, June 16, 2017

2543. Fit to be tied

A dumb woman in hopes of gestation
Twice per day takes her man on for meshin'
Though they fuck ev'ry chance
No bulge grows in her pants
Prob'ly due to her tubal ligation.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

2542. Recusals and refusals

The committee tried questioning Sessions
His forgetfulness left bad impressions
"Don't recall."  "Don't remember."
Those lips were not limber
And didn't make any confessions.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

2541. A spelling führer

The orange man's tweets, less than leafy,
Include May 31's weird "covfefe"
Was he spelling "kerfuffle?"
It seems that his duffel
Contains words like Mad Mag's "potzrebie."

(Apologies for the near-rhymes.  Then again, who knows how "covfefe" is pronounced?)

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

2540. Durant was due

The Warriors again won it all
Only five games to make Cleveland fall
After showing the door
To three others in four,
Had a 16-1 postseason ball!

OP426-428. A special day today

Happy birthday, you Limerick King
Who is worthy of having a fling
With the gals in your poems
Who sport double D domes
As your hands are their homes while they swing.

I'm so sorry, I'm only a C
So you'd stay far away from li'l me
But keep dreaming up rhymes
And keep ringing those chimes
To keep up the good times; it's all free!

Your humor helps hearts that feel ill
You're much better than most ev'ry pill
For whatever has ailed them
Where happiness failed them
You ought to be hailed 'Dr. Phil'!