Tuesday, May 22, 2018

2818-2819. Cheapskate dad

Ron Howard recently put together a tremendous DVD entitled, 8 Days A Week - The Touring Years.  My daughter and her husband are huge Beatles fans so I sent them a copy, scheduled to arrive between their Springtime birthdays.  I included this:

Didn't send any cards, they're too maudlin,
So accept these ten lines as my coddlin'.
The Fab Four DVD
That's enclosed should bring glee
(After you've put the kids down from toddlin'.)

It's not much of a gift for just one,
Yet it's meant to give both of you fun.
Sent for each of your BD's 
I'll bet as you read dese
Two stanzas, you're glad there's no pun.

Monday, May 21, 2018

PD349-PD350. These are the bees' knees

There was a young lad named McFee
Who was stung in the balls by a bee
He made oodles of money
By oozing pure honey
Each time he attempted to pee.

An inquisitive virgin named Dora
Asked the man who had started to bore 'er:
"Do you mean birds and bees
Go through antics like these,
To suppy us our fauna and flora?"

Friday, May 18, 2018

2817. Stealin' in New Zealan'

An unprincipled roué named Lowry
Went after a filthy-rich Maori
He promised to wed her
If she'd let him bed her
Then fucked her right out of her dowry.

Friday, May 11, 2018

OP527. You need a Bayer if you plan to Selmer

Poster OkieJokey provided the following:

At a rally in Elkhart, IN,
Trump recites how his trade wars he’ll win.
     In his tirades, well-worn,
     Donald toots his own horn.
Though a Conn man, he’s no local frien’.

For much of the 20th Century Elkhart, Indiana, was the “Musical Instrument Capital of the World,” home to the Conn brass and Selmer woodwind companies, among many others.  Now a division of Steinway, Conn-Selmer maintains its US headquarters in Elkhart although much of the manufacturing has been outsourced to China.  

Also, Miles Laboratories (Alka-Seltzer) was founded in Elkhart in 1884.  German Bayer Pharmaceuticals bought out Miles in 1979 and ceased local operations by 2006.

Monday, May 7, 2018

2814-2816. Buddies since 1963

Today is the 72nd birthday of my friend, Mark Collins.  On 6/13 I'll join him at that age.
He's throwing his own party at a restaurant and grill.  This will be read...aloud!

Here's a lim'rick for my friend, J. Markham,
Who has been known to spout much malarkum.
Though he earned Ph.D
The man's next job may be
As a valet who takes cars to park 'em.

For, you see, he's now 5-months-retired,
Leaving more time to see kids he's sired.
TU profs still on staff 
Often ask with a laugh,
"How the hell did Mark ever get hired?"

But enough of this light-hearted roast
(Kinda sad, though, that Mark's his own host.)
He has nothing to fear
'less they run out of beer:
To Mark's birthday!  Now all raise a toast!

Saturday, May 5, 2018

2813. Snot what you think

While sittin' 'round, shootin' the bull,
A joke from my bag I did pull.
'Twas no trouble at all
 To say, "What do you call
An old whore with a runny nose?"  (Full.)

Thursday, May 3, 2018

2810-2812. Double ouch!

My friends David & Lisa Gunton had to cancel a trip to Miami.

Dave is wearing a stiff new knee brace
Wife Lisa his shoestrings must lace.
That tall, handsome fella
Has hurt his patella,
I'll bet he shows pain on his face.

But Lisa can also say, "Shoot!"
Poor thing broke a bone in her foot!
She'd thought that her pain
Was a bad ankle sprain;
It's much worse --- she must walk in a boot.

How'd you do yours, Dave?  Throwing a discus?
I have heard that can tear a meniscus.
Please, my friends, don't go roam,
Watch TV and stay home
Rest and heal as you dream of hibiscus.

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

2809. Jejeune rhymes

Only one?  Boon, coon, dune, goon, hewn, June.
Or try loon, moon, noon, prune, rune, spoon, tune.
Next, baboon and tycoon
Octoroon, picayune,
Need four syllables?  Contrabassoon.

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

2808. The head cheese

I know of a cocksucking belle
Who has an unclosed fontanelle
As your hands guide her bregma
She licks off your smegma
Pretending to not mind the smell.

Saturday, April 28, 2018

2807. In "The Shining," too

Remember that guy, Scatman Crothers?
He was one of the coolest of 'brothers'
Acted, sang, played guitar
"Chico" made him a star
Always watched him when I had my 'druthers.
My 1st time to insert two links in one post.

Thursday, April 26, 2018

2804-2806. As requested

I sent 20 of my opera limericks to friend Zelda.  She asked for more.

If you go to see Don Giovanni
Don't expect to hear, "Down on the Swanee."
Its libretto (Italian)
Tells of a rapscallion
Who 'got his way' by being brawny.

The Grand Opera called La bohème,
Features love scenes (but all are quite tame)
Sick Mimi, her fellow,
Musetta, Marcello,
Play rôles in this sad story's fame.
(Excuse the Okie twang... it's pronounced 'Bo-M.')

Though he never wrote one 'bout karate
Or used words from a bar room or potty
His work called Amahl
Has the pow'r to enthrall.
The author?  Gian Carlo Menotti.
Full title is Amahl and the Night Visitors.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

2803. Froggy went a' courtin'

My date one night seemed really hot
I was hoping to get in her twat
She allowed me to take a
Look at her cloaca
But that was as far as I got.

Monday, April 16, 2018

2802. Disturbance in the force

For at least fifteen years, without fail,
Each weekend has brought "AWADmail"
I know I've been spoiled
By the way Anu's toiled,
Shame on those who've decided to rail.

For more than 20 years, Anu Garg, head wordsmith at A.Word.A.Day, has been emailing out a weekend newsletter with selected comments from readers.  As of 4:40 pm CST on Monday, 4/16 it has not yet been published.

I'll let you know when I hear why.  Hopefully, it isn't due to an illness or accident.

Saturday, April 14, 2018

2801. My colorful e-friend

I once met a woman named Claudia
Few women have acted much bawdia.
And with blue, mauve, and puce
Intermixed with chartreuse,
Her clothing could not have been gaudia.

Sunday, April 8, 2018

2800. N'Awlins ballin's

A Storyville hooker named Valerie
Liked to sip lemonade on her gallery
'Til a man came along;
Then she'd suck on his dong,
And fuck him right out of his salary.

Here's a picture of a wraparound gallery.  Click to enlarge.