Tuesday, December 12, 2017

OP483. It's a lean, mean, screen machine scene

Phoneless people are rare to be found
To their cellular toys they are bound
No more face to face chat
And they won't leave their flat
Without carrying that thing around!

You see? Being a technotard has its perks... like meaningful communication in person. All I have is a flip phone which I only use to make calls regarding my business, and for fixing a problem or making plans with family or friends. A desktop computer at home gets used for frivolities in my spare time. See? All my needs are fulfilled... well... technologically speaking anyway.

Monday, December 11, 2017

OP482. The lass thinks gas has class

A perpetual farter named Steven
Never could hold it in; now he's grievin'
'Cause his girlfriend was there
But she said, "I don't care"
Then she burped like a bear; "now we're even."

Sunday, December 10, 2017

OP480-481. I'm not leaving! So there!

Well, here I am, using up space
Not to take the great Lim'ricist's place,
But to walk in the halls
Of a blog, and its walls
Lined with lim'ricks that falls 'pon my face.

Although you have decided to part,
All the archives I'll read from the start.
I will stroll down the lane
Of your smart, crazy brain
Just to soothe all the pain in my heart.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

OP476-479. Farewell bittersweet to a blog so replete

This is in response to Phil's post posted below this one.

This is painful, and my heart is bleeding
I know now it's your blog I was needing
And so my brain scans
The sad news of your plans
To starve funnybone fans you were feeding.

Though I probably can't change your mind
Want to thank you for being so kind
For allowing me to
Be a part of your crew
I'm so glad it was you I did find.

Though my schedule's quite busy at times
I'd be one of your partners-in-crimes
'Twas a service to me
And a priv'lege to be
In the fun repartee of your rhymes.

With you gone, the air's filled with a chilliness
I will so miss your antics, your silliness
But I'm hoping one day
That a miracle may
Bring you back here to stay (with your willingness).

Just hoping to wake up from this sad dream...

2749-2751. That's all, folks! (For now...)

As promised in my ALERT!! of ten days ago, today's entry is likely my swan song.

Back in August of 2016 I posted #2206 (clickable) about my desire for sophisticated readers and Suzanne wrote a nifty 4-stanza comment to it.

It was at about that time that I wrote the 3-stanza sign off you'll find below.  I've kept it under wraps until today.  It certainly isn't among my best work, but it

   a) gets me past the 2,750 mark and
   b) ends with a pun... my true stock-in-trade.

This blog hardly got off the ground
Did its URL make it hard to get found?
I'm not sure what it lacked
But it didn't attract
Many readers and often I've frowned.

So I've come to the end of the line
Guess my limericks too rarely shine
I thought I was clever
But maybe I never
Wrote many you'd call "really fine."

To you five or six regular readers
Don't cut your throats, I can't stand bleeders!
Proceed to get lives
And don't get drunk in dives
Just 'cause Phil Graham is sehen Auf Wieders.

Thanks for the many posts, comments, and emails over the years!  They've meant a lot and have kept me going much longer than I ever imagined I could.

   The Limericist

Friday, December 8, 2017

2748. Picking your nose but getting another

Two doctors have formed a consortium
Their surnames are Cohen and Florsheim.
Doc Cohen's a rhino
guy, Florsheim's a gyno,
The work of each one's an abortiom.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

2747. What a swell evening

While on a sales trip to Sioux Falls
A ménage à trois loomed with two dolls.
But they became vehement
O'er some disagrehement
And I drove back home with blue balls.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

2746. This story needs a morel

What int'resting plants are the fungi*
They've no leaves and no wood and they're spongy
Plus, they lack chlorophyll.
While some toadstools can kyll
You'd as likely die jumping with bungee.

* Latin words ending with 'i' are pronounced as if they end 'ee.'  The 'eye' sound is for words ending with 'ae' like alumnae.

On the other hand, that 'g' in fungi isn't pronounced like our 'j' (as my rhyme requires.)  People who say "fun guy" are wrong, but only about the ending vowel sound.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

2745. Pulled it out at the end

Watched the Steelers last night with two buds
We ate wings and we drank lots of suds
Pittsburgh finally won ---
Field goal good at the gun,
Celebrated by whipping our puds!
Pittsburgh trailed the entire game, including 17-0 late in the 1st half.  They won 23-20 on a 38 yard Chris Boswell FG as time expired!

Monday, December 4, 2017

2744. How'd we votus this POTUS?

Trump thinks that his fandom is YUGE
But to those in the know, he's a noodge. 
He's totally selfish,
With tiny hands elfish
Dispenses compassion like Scrooge.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

2743. 90-day wonders

Ye Olde Spinsters Club of Secaucus
On a quarterly basis gets raucous
It invites some young studs
To insert their hard puds.
(The gals like to call it a "caucus.")

Saturday, December 2, 2017

2742. Talent which goes unrecognized

Judith Marks-White has become one of the very few good limericists showcased at AWAD, but rarely does moderator Anu Garg publish more than one of her submissions.  She sent me all 5 of hers last week.  Here are my three favorites (AWADs underlined:)

The old cook told his sous chef, “Don’t broil;
Take this fish which is starting to spoil.
Throw it into a pan
'Til it turns slightly tan
But be sure not to burn, just parboil."

The grande dame had an affect inglorious,
With a mad reputation notorious.
Though by day she seemed quite
So demure and polite
Every night she was most amatorious. 

Our Miss Molly, a gun moll prestigious,
Behaved in a way most egregious.
As she wielded a gun
Claiming, "Simply for fun,"
Coldly murdered on whims most capricious.

I replied,
I'm enamored of your full barrage!
Glad you didn't leave them en garage.
Your limericks wholly
Are perfect and jolie 
No way would I say, "Quel dommage."

Friday, December 1, 2017

2741. And he went bananas!

An unfortunate man, a real wimp,
Had a putz that was constantly limp.
He found a strange doc
Who replaced his soft cock
With the dick of a virile young chimp.
Feel free to continue the story...

Suzanne Heymann accepted the challenge with this comment, but I think it also belongs on the "front page."
That new body part plowed with each surge
But strange feelings began to emerge
Oh, that new crazy limb
As it grew, guided him
To the zoo with a simian urge.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

2740. Discard iff you don't like

Henry Winkler got rich playing Fonzi
Then went broke from a scheme known as "Ponzi"
As the wind left his sails
You could hear his loud wales*
All the way from L.A. clear to Swansea.
* for the pun

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

ALERT!!

You are reading what may be one of my final posts at this blog. 

I've proposed retiring from the daily grind before, but with a longtime goal in sight, I'm seriously considering laying down my pen... or at least taking a long hiatus.

The goal was to write 2,751 5-liners, thus surpassing by one the number which appear in "The New Limerick," ©1977.  Edited by Gershon Legman (with but a few of his own limericks,) it contains over 1,000 more entries than does his "The Limerick," ©1964 with its 1,739 poems.

Assuming I quit or go on sabbatical, I may pursue the idea of publishing one clean and one dirty book of around 500 limericks each.  Since my experience with last year's "Limericks in the Time of Trump" hasn't been very positive, I'm not sure why I am eager to lose more money. 

That book cost around $2,000 to publish and in eleven months has sold only 218 copies thru Amazon.  We four authors have privately sold some, but with only word-of-mouth advertising, the book “laid an egg” monetarily.  Even if we’d had the money, where would we have advertised?

If I've learned one thing in my 6+ years of blogging, it is this: Never over-estimate the knowledge and sophistication of your readers!  I have told hundreds of personal and email acquaintances about this site.  When I've later asked their impressions, more than half have replied, “I had to Google for all the fancy words and obscure references you use.”  Evidently, most readers don’t want any education with their entertainment.

Another thing I’ve learned is that the number of readers who recognize and appreciate scansion, real rhymes, and cleverness is far smaller than I had thought.  Since I refuse to “dumb down” my work, publishing it for any reason other than self-satisfaction is probably a fool’s errand.  Stay tuned…