Tuesday, November 21, 2017

2733. Delta hand that got better

A rushee was at a frat smoker
When a member said, "Let's play some poker!"
The young man wasn't pledged
When 'twas found that he'd hedged
All his bets with an up-the-sleeve joker.

Monday, November 20, 2017

PD326-329. Take distaff and shove it

There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her
To cry (when you came,)
"Oh dear!  What a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over."

A pious young lady named Finnegan
Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again;
So time it aright,
Make it last through the night,
For I certainly don't want to sin again!"

There was a young lady named Ransom
Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
When she cried out for more
A voice from the floor
Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."

There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

2732. A Benz-ene ring

Tom's fam'ly is known as The Bradys
They drive only cars from Mercedes
When the tires they deflate
Their gas mileage ain't great
And they cuss up a blue streak from Hades.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

2731. Orphaning Bambi

It's deer season, does are in rut
Hunters hie to a cabin, bring smut,
Smoke cigars, get real drunk,
Masturbate in a bunk,
Crack of dawn, shoot a buck which they gut.

Friday, November 17, 2017

2730. Go fig-ure

In The Garden lived Adam and Eve
'Til the serpent did Evie deceive.
They weren't too sartorial
In clothing arboreal
When God told them, "You have to leaf."

Thursday, November 16, 2017

2729. His mind goes roman

An historian dreamed of wild frolics
With mythic men's wieners and bollocks.
These vicarious sins
Were sometimes done with twins, 
The heavenly Castor and Pollux.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

2728. What do you zinc lead him to it?

For vocation, fat Johnny picked smeltering,
The heat from the furnace was sweltering.
Though he sometimes got burned
He lost weight so he learned
That his chosen profession was sveltering.
Now you have the skinny on that job.

OP473-474. Yup, we're all pigs

The males of our species, you see
Are obsessed about sex, even me
So it must be asserted
All men are perverted
The question is only degree

I don't care if you're gay or you're straight
For the matter's not up for debate
So it needs to be said
We all think with THAT head
I assure you, all men can relate.

Being a man, I'm somewhat in the know on this.  I don't know if it's true for women.  Suzanne, what do you think?

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

2726-2727. The list grows longer

We've heard Tiger's and Weiner's recants
Weinstein/Spacey have each had their chance
And then Louis CK
Said, "I'm sorry... OK?"
NO!  Their dicks should've stayed in their pants!

Bill O'Reilly's not welcome at Vassar
Nor is gymnastics doc, Larry Nassar.
But if George Herbert Walker
Was being a stalker
At 79?  That's a gasser.

OP472. He should have stayed monogamous

The lascivious, lewd, lazy lord
Had a harem, a hell of a horde.
Lots of sex (his sole goal)
Stopped his heart, took its toll
As too many a hole was explored.

Monday, November 13, 2017

2725. Papal bull

1.2 billion Cath'lic believers
Among them you'll find some silk weavers.
They make robes of tapestry
For those in the papistry
Who often have been gay deceivers.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

2724. Massa chews it

A slave lord loved sex, wouldn't duck it,
And his dick was so long he could suck it!
Yes, he used mastication
To do masturbation
(I hear that he hailed from Nantucket.)

Saturday, November 11, 2017

2723. Are you saying zzzzz yet?

This makes all 54 African countries... YEAAAA!
Libya didn't get its own entry but it was used as a rhyme (for Namibia) way back in #1024 (and reprinted in #2712.)

If you live in the isles Zanzibar
You can get by quite well sans a car
But should you want to see a
Friend in Tanzania
Do not try to swim, land's s' far.

2722. Comin' and goin'

Though I did this country in #2683, I couldn't resist one more.

With une putain in hot Mozambique
I stuck my dick inside her cheek.
Had to pee, had to come,
So right there on her gum
I first shot, then I took a big leak.

2721. Jazz in Brazzaville

"Republic of the" precedes "Congo"
It's a place you can hear a real bongo
Being played (if you'll pay)
By a guy who looks gay
But he's straight, like that muscled up Mongo.

2720. It's aparrot things are tough

A cook working in South Sudan
Decided to use a new pan
Since it was slim pickin's
For roosters or chickens
He served up a nice braised toucan.

Friday, November 10, 2017

OP471. It's Mueller Time!

I got this one today from San Fran friend, Robin Sutherland.
This thing about whom to indict
Is lasting all day and all nict!
All of the people
Unable to sleep'll
Be shitting their knickers with frict.

2719. Belongs in the anals of assinine limericks

Mr. Dugger took corn to Zimbabwe
And taught natives to wipe the Jim Bob way.
He is so full of shit
He was asked by one wit,
"After using, how much does your cob weigh?"

2718. Cutting-edge group

Those Musical Muppets (the Fozzie band)
Lined up a big gig down in Swaziland.
A sharp snare on a drum
Caught poor Animal's thumb
And he had to beat time with a gauzy hand.

2717. Bored sex

A surfer bum tried Madagascar,
Found a beach and espied a bare basker
Thought it might be untoward
To say, "Screw on my board?"
And since surf was up, he didn't ask 'er.

Thursday, November 9, 2017

2716. Yet it's so low-lying*

Yo, dude, if you're ever in Seychelles
Smoke some of the ganja that Ray sells.
It'll make you so high
That you'll think you are fly-
ing with Santa and list'ning to sleigh bells.
* And it's getting lower (click to see.)

2715. Windsor visa expire?

There once was a lesbian elf
Who moved off to Capetown from Guelph
She became a slave traffica
Down there in South Africa
But kept pygmy whores for herself.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Right "answer" --- sort of

The Final Jeopardy answer 11/7 was, "It's the world's southernmost landlocked country."

Since I've been busily studying African countries and where they lie, I guessed, "What is Lesotho?" and was correct!

However, when Alex pronounced it, it came out "Luh-SOO-too."  Since Mr. Trebek is almost never wrong, I googled here just to make sure that a "soft th" is incorrect (it is.)

My discovery has spawned this:
If you must pronounce tiny Lesotho
I hope my gaffe won't befall you, too.
You can say, "Phil's no bard,
That land's 't' ain't said hard."
I apologize to you and Tutu.

I will leave #2710 stet and, as a penance, I haven't assigned a number to this re-write.  However, I do take some consolation in the fact(?) that Americans say the o's long.  BTW, Desmond Tutu was Archbishop of Lesotho from 1976-78.

2714. Bordering on absurd

I'm telling you this with great candor:
One country's a real gerrymander
Its name is "The Gambia"
Which rhymes well with Zambia
I wonder to whom leaders pander?

Click map for more detail --- then hit 'Esc' key.

2713. Try to stay cool -- both ways

Be careful when you're in Liberia
Don't stress out, you might get porphyria
Then, covered in blisters,
How will you fuck "sisters"?
They may fear you have clap bacteria.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

2712. It's not North Tonawanda

This limerick features Rwanda
Located next-door to Uganda
It has Hutus and Tutsis
And Twa, they're real cutesies!
Yes,  pygmys are something to ponda.

Here are some countries I rhymed up previously:

42. Easy, Rider!
A horny young man from Uganda
Tried to fuck his girlfriend in a Honda.
The floor shift caught her twat
And believe it or not,
It made her much more peter-fonda!

497. Marracash
There's a dry desert wind called "sirocco"
That constantly blows in Morocco.
If it catches your cash
Bills are gone in a flash
And you'll probably wind up in hock, oh!

1024. Kenya believe this?
A runner who hailed from Namibia
Decided to build up his tibia.
"I'll jog" he had planned
"'Til I've run out of land."
Headed north -- clear to Tripoli, Libya!
Going west would've been a whole lot shorter.

1726. She says, "Ashanti return."
An erstwhile explorer named Donna
Got raped by an ape down in Ghana
Then it stuffed in her ass
Strands of long jungle grass
(She no longer likes flora and fauna.)

2711. That sinking feeling

I once banged a girl in Mauritius
Whose booty looked so damned delicious
That I took not the time
To give foreplay sublime
And just fucked her as she did the dishes.

Monday, November 6, 2017

2710. Selling parkas was a bad idea

I know of two guys in Lesotho
One's "Henry," the other one's "Otho"
They co-own a store
That's lost lotis galore  
Which has led to the fact that they both owe.

2709. São Tome and Principe

The Brits say, "Sow TOE-mee and PRIN-sa-pay"
That nation's two islands aren't in a bay.
Native girls (young men, too)
There are happy to screw
If you'll promise to pay them well when ya lay.
Americans usually pronounce it, "SOW toe-MAY and Prin-SIP-ee."

Sunday, November 5, 2017

2708. Lesson in Lisbon's linguistics

If you vacation down in Cape Verde
Take care how you say that last word.
Language there's Portuguese
Saying "VAIR-dee" won't please,
Wops and Spaniards think that is absurd.

2707. The Price is Light

There's a prostitute living in Guinea
Who will fuck for a buck and a penny!
Pay her 20 cents more
And she'll blow you, this whore
Is so cheap she's done thousands (yes, many!)

2706. Addis to your collection

An unpleasant place, Ethiopia, 
Most people there live with dystopia
This very poor nation
Has rampant starvation
No food, therefore no cornucopia.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

2705. He did it directly

A conductor of choirs in Gabon
Picked a tenor to throw himself on
When he thrust in his dick
The lad scarce felt that prick
Sized and shaped like the maestro's baton.

2704. Let me geog your memory

On the south of the Med. is Algeria,
Many countries in size are inferia
If you look at its coast
You will find that it's most-
ly due south of the landmass Iberia.

2703. Phoney oral sex

A gal from Sierra Leone
Liked having sex only by phone
Thus, she didn't get germs
But still knew all the terms,
"Fuck me hard!" she would moan and intone.

Friday, November 3, 2017

2702. Heart of Darkness

In mid-continent, there's CAR,
With indigenous folks black as tar.
The Falls of Boali 
Are on the Mbali 
They're wide but don't drop very far.
With thanks to Joseph Conrad for the title.

2701. Built for the job

A sultry black whore from Niger
Has a truly magnificent pair
And the size of the ass
On that profligate lass
Does attract many johns to her lair.

2700. Reversal of fortunes (and Latin words)

In order to complete (perhaps) all 54 African nations without boring my readers to tears, I'm going to post 2-3 per day until finished.

The country of Western Sahara
Is what you might call Avis Rara
Should Morocco gain claim
It might lose 2-word name
While remaining the same Firma Terra.
With an L5 nod to Ms. Heymann's prowess & signature move.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

2699. Perhaps the heat?

An émigré living in Senegal
Came from France, and he had a chance in a hall
To join in an orgy
But couldn't engorge, he
Had never been impotent when a Gaul.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

2697-2698. What's the age limit, anyway?

It's November 1st, "Day of All Saints"
From me you will hear no complaints.
For this evening, no more
Bratty kids at my door
Dressed like goblins and ghosts from their haints.*

Last night I became reprimandy
When adults came with bags wanting candy.
I said, "You're sure bold
And besides, you're too old
To believe Trick or Treating is dandy."
* Southern US dialect for "haunts."

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

OP470. It's Harvest Time!

It's that glorious time of the year
Where the brats dressed in costumes appear
In this sleepy old town
I'll steal chocolate that's brown
And I'll wash it all down with some beer!

2696. Formerly Upper Volta

I don't believe Burkina Faso
Rhymes* up with the city, El Paso.
But why should I care
Because if I go there
I won't find many cattle to lasso.
*Its capital, Ouagadougou, would be even tougher, though.

Monday, October 30, 2017

OP469. Double Trouble

My two titties were built like a tank.
I had dear Mother Nature to thank.
But I'm way past my prime
And can thank Father Time
For the ultimate crime - they both sank.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

2695. Sundowner's syndrome?

An old nyctophobe octoroon
Grew up in hot, wet Cameroon.
Being scared of the dark
His dick he'd only park
In a snatch before late afternoon.

2694. I'm adding French dressing

A chef set up shop in Burundi
And became known for great salmagundi
Made it vendredi night
But the 'fridge was a fright
So it often went bad before lundi.
("Friday" and "Monday" in French.)

Saturday, October 28, 2017

2693. Why wait for only 72?

A westernized sheikh from Sudan
Took a grain of salt with his Quran.
Doubted he would get virgins
In heaven; his urgin's
Brought deflow'rings on his divan.

Friday, October 27, 2017

2692. Loch Lomond, I presume

Ere 'twas Demo. Republic of Congo
David Livingstone visited long 'go.
When Stanley came through
Didn't ask, "Is that you?"
But instead said, "Now how does that song go?"
Livingstone was a Scottish missionary, abolitionist, and explorer.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

2691. Guineas are everywhere.

If you journey to Guinea Bissau
You'll find women who'll fuck you, and hau!
They know all the tricks
For exciting men's dicks
And will do all the law will allau.
Besides Guinea Bissau, there's also Equatorial Guinea, 'plain' Guinea, and even Papua New Guinea?  Wop's the deal?

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

2690. Buss cuss on bus

While sight-seeing down in Djibouti
We had a tour guide who was snouti.
I gave him some sass,
He answered, "You're crass!"
I said to him, "Kiss my patouti!"

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

2689. He spreads more than legs

A roué who toured Tanzania
Picked up chicks in his red Karmann Ghia
Then he'd drive to the boonies
To punish their poonies,
Infecting them with gonorrhea.

Monday, October 23, 2017

2688. Human wrongs

If ever you're in Eritrea
Do not let a draft board guy see ya
An "eighteen month" tour
Might last decades if you're
Grabbed, in which case, I'd not want to be ya.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

2687. A little goes a long way

There once was a virgin in Chad
Who decided 'twas time to be had.
When a guy came along
With a nineteen inch dong,
She let him insert just a tad.

Friday, October 20, 2017

2686. He's not really wicket

A wild cricket bowler from Kenya
Doesn't mean to but sometimes will bean ya
Then, with stiff upper lip,
He'll offer this quip,
"So sorry, old chap, to demean ya."

2684-2685. OK, YOU try to rhyme it!

A speech-hampered man from Malawi
Was hard to decipher, by gawi!
If you said, "Come ag'in?"
He would look up and grin
And say, "Can't understand me?  I'm sawi."

If you want first-date sex in Malawi
Don't try more than just being pawi.
For should you go beyond
You'll find girls are not fond
Of a fuck or that other way, jawi.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

2683. What will a dime bag get me?

A woman from dark Mozambique
Has never been labeled as mique.
If you'll give her two doobies
She'll show you her boobies,
Just part of her zaftig physique.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

2682. Headside manner

There's a doctor in southwestern Zambia
Who treats migraine headaches with cambia
He can be awful gruff
When prescribing the stuff
Patients wish he would be nambi-pambia.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

2681. Iniquities midst antiquities

In Egypt, the capital's Cairo
And it's home to a no-legged tyro.
Although he's still youthly
He screws rather couthly
By balancing just like a gyro.

If you can rhyme 'Egypt', please do so.  I'm in de nile.

Monday, October 16, 2017

2680. Wordsmith lacks the Euterpean gene

Mork from Ork said 'goodbye', Nanu nanu
We ought to repeat that to Anu.
Prints 5-line disasters
From many poetasters,

He can't tell a good one from guanu.
Pardon my misspelling of the last word.  Anu Garg, founder and wordsmith at AWAD, gives ink on a regular basis to non-rhyming, un-scanning limericks.  I don't want him to say goodbye; he just needs a better vetter.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

2679. Animal husbandry

To you Berbers who live in Tunisia:
A camel can bring aphrodisia
Same thing with a goat,
But never a shoat
Your religion says they may not please ya.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

2678. Whew! 29 to 24

Though the refs tried to rob us connive-ally
In the record book, write it archivally.
Had we lost this big game
'twould have been a damned shame
But OU won the Red River Rivalry!

Helped by several 'phantom' calls, texas came back from a 20-0 deficit to lead 24-23 with only 8 minutes left in the game.  The Sooners responded with a touchdown pass less than 2 minutes later, then held on for dear life.

2677. Not dune too well

There's a giant wasteland, Mauritania,
Nine times larger than our Pennsylvania.
In that tropical zone
It is dry as a bone
The inhabitants wish it were rainia.

Desertification is somewhere between 75 and 90 per cent.

Friday, October 13, 2017

2676. She's Sancerre about it

Une femme dans le sud Côte d'Ivoire,
Drank only the wines of the Loire.
Once empty, she'd throttle
Her cunt with the bottle,

Sans boyfriend, c'était sa bête noire.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

2675. Somebody, steal his phone

Trump's hot oil continues to pour on
Rex Tillerson (called Don "a moron.")
He needs some retreats
From his ev'ryday tweets
Otherwise, he'll continue to bore on.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

2674. Not a pecker checker

A whore down in Lagos, Nigeria
Will fuck any guy, no criteria.
Due to standards so loose
She's now dripping the juice
Of some mean gonococcal bacteria.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

2673. Ten buck, too

A man bought a painting in Mali.
Its surrealism made him say, "Golly!"
There were no melting clocks
But it still gave him shocks,
For the signature clearly read "Dali."

Monday, October 9, 2017

2672. Hemorrhoidal hindrance

A prostitute living in Togo
Shows a blow job as part of her logo.
Though she screws many styles
She's a victim of piles;
If you want anal sex, it's a no-go.

I did Togo's next-door neighbor in June of 2014.  I'll save you the look-up:

 1361. Atlantic bight (bite?)
Have you looked at a map of Benin?
Its shape is a wee bit obscene
From the looks of the shaft
The mohel was daft,
Either that, or the guy was just mean.

I've heard it said that mohels work only for tips...

Sunday, October 8, 2017

2671. And then there's the melanin lack

When you're in Equatorial Guinea
Look up a white guy, his name's Benny.
Unless you are blind
He'll be easy to find;
He's fat while the natives are skinny.

Saturday, October 7, 2017

2670. Salivation from sin

Continuing thru Africa...
A lesbian down in Botswana
Had a torrid affair with friend Donna.
This lapper named Laurie
Made dry Kalahari
Run wet when the two reached Nirvana.

Friday, October 6, 2017

Thursday, October 5, 2017

2668. And black-hearted, too

An onyx-skinned bitch from Somalia
On dates did a thing that would gall ya.
Whether youngster or geezer
She proved a prick teaser
In other words, she wouldn't ball ya.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

2667. I just wanna say one word to you*

There once was a man from Rangoon
Who learned how to play the bassoon.
It was made out of maple
(The instrument's staple)
And warped in the summer monsoon.

* Click here to learn the alternate material for bassoons.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

2666. Buns of steel

A Kolkata fellow, a yogi,
Spouted wisdom just like an old fogey.
But the gals didn't care
For he also would share
His big prick; 'twas the size of a hoagie.

Is this guy real or a fakir?

Monday, October 2, 2017

2664-2665. Idiots' idioms

Athlete-speak has become a big blight
Same clichés you will hear ev'ry night.
Why must they all say,
"At the end of the day"?
It is horribly hackneyed and trite.

Another in which all jocks revel
Is stale and it grates like the devil.
It doesn't behoove
That, instead of "improve"
They must say, "take it to the next level."

Sunday, October 1, 2017

2664. A screw ball, no doubt

A girl, tired of chastity guardin',
To a pitcher said, "I beg your pardon,
But I'm ready to sin,
Wanna slip your dick in?"
He said, "Sure!" and produced the high, hard un.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

2663. Sari for this one

On a campus just outside Mumbai
I picked up a girl walking by
Outcome?  Ineluctable
She just wasn't fuctable.
'Tho I gave the old college try.

Friday, September 29, 2017

2662. Oil Barons' warrens

Downtown Tulsa's akin to a ship
Where this morning we'll walk a tour trip.
Down under her gunwhales
several tunnels
For giving kidnappers the slip.
Waite and brother Frank Phillips founded Phillips Petroleum.  W.G. Skelly, Josh Cosden, and J. Paul Getty were other filthy-rich Tulsans of the early 20th century, when the city was known as "The Oil Capital of the World."

Thursday, September 28, 2017

PD320-325. Clean and clever

There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
While her lover lamented
The apple fermented --
Made cider inside her inside.

There was a young lady named Bright
Who could travel much faster than light.
She took off one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.

There was a young girl from Peru,
Who noticed her lovers were few;
So she walked out her door
With a fig leaf, no more,
And now she's in bed - with the flu.

There was a young lady named Smith
Whose virtue was largely a myth.
She said, "Try as I can
I can't find a man
Who it's fun to be virtuous with."

Sad husbands can all testify
To a wedding they cannot deny.
'Cause they know 'where' and 'when'
They got married, but then,
What escapes them exactly is 'why?'

There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

PD316-319. Strange names, same games

There was a young idler named Blood,
Made a fortune performing at stud.
With a fifteen-inch peter
And double-beat metre
He came like the Biblical Flood.

There was a young hayseed named Tiffan
Whose pecker would constantly stiffen.
The knob out in front
Attracted foul cunt
Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.

A space shuttle pilot named Ventry,
Was fucking a lovely girl sentry.
She started to pout
Because it fell out
But the mission was saved by re-entry.

There was a young fellow named Charteris
Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
Said she, "I don't mind,
Higher up you will find
The place where my fucker and farter is."

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

2660-2661. Powder-keg polemics

Trump's in need of the sternest rebuke.
Calling Kim "Rocket Man" makes me puke.
Don should make temporizing
And not "temper rising"
Moves, else they may send us a nuke.

Yes, we could have war, thanks to Trump.
His rhetoric's priming the pump.
With speech diarrhea
He's irked North Korea,
Him/Kim: pus-filled boils on earth's rump.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

2659. Auto-erotic euphemism

A southpaw named Lefty O'Doul
Used his right hand to jerk off his tool
In the barnyard, well he
Used his left one for loping his mule.

"Loping your mule" is perhaps less well-known than "chokin' your chicken", "spanking the monkey", "dating Rosy Palms", et al.

2658. A well-behaved youngster

The golfing phenom, Jordan Spieth,
Loves teeing his ball on the heath.
You won't hear him cuss
Or create too much fuss
When things go bad, just grits his teeth.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

2657. Staying abreast of things

At times I have been known to tipple
But at least I don't drink that crap, Ripple™
When tight, I've been told
That I've grown rather bold
Asking girls, "Hey!  May I suck your nipple?"

Friday, September 22, 2017

2656. Golf spelled backward is...

With his mind not on golf but on ass,
A guy found his ball in tall grass.
From deep in the fescue
Tried using a Rescue™
And made triple-bogey, alas.

In 2003, TaylorMade Golf Co. invented small-headed metal-woods to replace difficult-to-hit long irons.  They called them "rescue" clubs.  Now every company offers them and, generically, they're called "utility clubs" -- no good for escaping deep grass, though.

Here's a cute poem (not original):
I knew I had him when I saw where he stood
He was knee-deep in Johnson Grass, reachin' for a wood.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

2655. A nursery (c)rime

Two horny shoe-fetish galoots
Decided to work in cahoots
They saved their best hugs
For women in Uggs™
'cause each really liked puss in boots.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

2654. Airport, here I come

While in San Juan with glass of sangria
Was told of oncoming Maria.
I settled my tab,
Had them call me a cab
And then told the bartender, "I'll see ya!"

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

2653. Can't stave off hunger

There's a fat flaming faggot named Farrell
Whose butt is as big as a barrel
If your wish is to sodomize
You'll find that his bottom lies
'neath 5 yards of très gay apparel.

Monday, September 18, 2017

2652. Stamp of disapproval

There once was a school girl named Natalie
With habit of being quite tattley.
She'd go tell the teacher
If you were a breacher
Of rules.  Later, took up philately.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

2651. Leaking like the Valdez

That damned Donald Trump put a hex on
My stock in the oil giant, Exxon,
When he chose (my sad fate)
Secretary of State.
Oh, why did he ever put Rex on?

On 2/1/17 -- the day Tillerson was appointed -- Exxon-Mobil fell from $83.89 to $82.94.   It had dropped to $76.10 by 8/30 but, due to the havoc of Hurricane Harvey, is rising and closed at $80.07 yesterday.

Friday, September 15, 2017

2650. Rube lube

In the throes of a summer cold, I
Found my wife's twat to be very dry.
Coughed up a big oyster
To moisten her cloister,
It then felt like blueberry pie!

Thursday, September 14, 2017

2649. Stem-ing the flow

The Sister's meatus was key
To insuring (mid-prayers) she'd not pee.
She chanted, "Qui tollis"
With one gladiolus
Stuck in it precariously.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

2648. Who watches this crap?

"Real Housewives" are always a'bitchin'
Grab remote and commence channel switchin.'
Jersey's, New York's, and Cal's
Are all back-stabbing gals
And you'll rarely see one in the kitchen.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

2647. How did he orient himself?*

The emperor known as Vespasian
Had a weakness for women Eurasian.
If their eyes had that slant
He'd confess, "I just can't
Help but fuck one on ev'ry occasion."

*Are their gashes vertical, horizontal, or at a 45º angle?

Monday, September 11, 2017

2646. Big Brother, 33 years later

The minions in Russia want mutiny,
They are mostly fed up with Vlad Putin, he
Was once KGB
And I'd say, probably,
That his spies still keep proles under scrutiny.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

2645. Maniacal in manacles

The pris'ner had been nowhere danker
Than the hold as the ship lay at anchor
To pass time, whipped his dong
All the day and night long
(Up until it developed a chancre.)

Saturday, September 9, 2017

2644. Cold as I.C.E.

The Donald says, "Overturn DACA!"
His heart and his brain are like caca.
He hasn't an ounce
Of concern; let ICE* pounce
And deport kids to, say, Cuernavaca.

* Immigration and Customs Enforcement.

Friday, September 8, 2017

2643. Extra points for creativitiy

I do not think of sex as a chore
When my sports-fan wife comes thru the door,
Gets on rug, tugs off tights,
Raises legs like uprights
And exhorts me to, "Come on and score!"

Thursday, September 7, 2017

2642. Pitiful pecs

I should lay in the sun and get tan boobs
For as I have aged, I've grown man boobs.
I hate when I hear
That I need a manssière!
On guys, I think God oughtta ban boobs.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

2641. Monday's AWAD

A brickmason called the hod porter back,
Saying, "Hey!  Would you please bring my mortar back?"
"No!," hod man said crabbily,
"You're working so shabbily
I must play Monday Morning Quarterback."

The final three words, which aren't anapæstic, were the 9/4 AWAD and were challenging.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

2640. Riviera riskiness

A man living in Cannes, surname Cabot,
Had a bold and a dangerous habit

On the beach there in France
He would dangle his schwantz,
Tempting poodles to stretch up and grab it.

Monday, September 4, 2017

2639. A new tack

I've rhymed enough small Okie towns
No doubt I've brought readers some frowns
So from here and on out
I'll quit being a lout
And try making you laugh just like clowns.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

2638. No need for a rain gauge

A meteorologist's rage
Will come out if he's stationed in Gage.
The town's God-forsaken,
No rep. he'll be makin'
He'll only see dust storms and sage.

Pop. 436.  For years, Oklahoma TV stations have reported the temperature in Gage.  I assumed it had a weather station but have been unable to find anything supporting that.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

2637. No Frito-Lays for him

A boy in the burg of Bokchito
Had a penis the size of a Cheeto
Its shape was odd, too,
With that same orange hue,
Only swelled when bit by a mosquito.

Pop. 653

Friday, September 1, 2017

2636. Water we doing later?

If you go to a boat race in Hydro
Bleacher seats are the best on a side row
There's one sculler named Clyde
Who can make his shell glide,
So sit back and enjoy watching Clyde row.

Pop. 962 and no lakes.  Named for abundant wells.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

2635. Bountiful boobs

There's a beautiful girl down in Dustin
When men see her, they always start lustin'
She's their rodeo queen
And her tits are obscene,
Double G's --- make you want to start thrustin'.

Pop 381

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

2634. It was actually on 8/27

It's the birthday of my old friend, Jim
Who could spend a few hours in the gym
But it takes one to know one
Besides, a gym's no fun,
We'd each rather drink than get slim.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

2633. Be lewd to be laid

There's a small Okie town that's named "Greasy"
Do not try the cafe, you'll feel queasy
But if you should drop by
For some snatch on the sly
You'll find most of the girls to be sleazy.

Pop. 372.

Monday, August 28, 2017

2632. While you're at it, belt me

A show-offy rancher from Braman
Wanted cowboy boots made out of caiman.
No one had them in stock
So he said, "What a croc!"
And had a pair made by a layman.

Pop. 213

Sunday, August 27, 2017

2630-2631. Slow business day

A madam with attitude sunny
Found a lad on her stoop looking funny.

Asked him, "Whaddya want?"
The youngster said, "Cunt",
So she said to him, "Show me the money."

When the little guy pulled out one dollar
She said, "For that, no whore's a baller."
Confused, he said, "What?"
She replied, "Won't buy twat
But for 50 cents more, I will swaller."

Saturday, August 26, 2017

2625-2629. Killer AWADs

This week's offerings from A.Word.A.Day were extremely difficult for rhyming.  I suspected that many of the limericks submitted to Wordsmith.org for inclusion in the weekend roundup (the AWADmail) would have near-rhymes, so I took on the task of trying to avoid any and sent these in.  How'd I do?

Parergon (pa RUHR gahn) - an accessory, embellishment, or byproduct of a main work
A polar bear lived an iceberg on
Just wishing he had a parergon.
Found a turpentine can,
Thought it might yield a tan,
Then wondered, "Hey!  Where has my fur gone?"

Deterge (di TUHRGE) - to wash, wipe, or cleanse
Secret Service is having to splurge
On hotels, is it time for a purge?
Food at Trump's Mar a lago
Costs like it's from Spago,
How long before Don we deterge?

Trangam (TRANG um) - a trinket, puzzle, or odd gadget
Got a call from my friend, Larry Langham,
He said, "I'm in need of some trangam."
"My Monopoly™ game
Has no tokens --- a shame."
I told him, "No problem, I'll brang 'em."

Transitive - a verb that takes an object; or involving transition; or changeable, transient
Some Germans who really liked schmaltz
Gave cotillions in downtown New Paltz
The music, while dance-ative
Was certainly transitive,
Kept switching from polka to waltz.

Synoptic - relating to a summary or general view of something, or taking a similar view (as the first three Gospels of the Bible -- Matthew, Mark, Luke)
A Christian in Egypt, a Coptic,
Reads the Gospels in manner synoptic.
He does this on-line
Which is normally fine,
Unless there's a glitch fiber-optic.

Friday, August 25, 2017

2624. Hairy indianus

A bottom who lived in Beirut
Decided he'd learn to play flute.
Then a top came along,
Slipped the flautist his dong
And our music man gave a gay toot.

Title is a pun on "Gary, Indiana" --- a song from "The Music Man."
"Tops and bottoms" were explained in #2398 in Feb. 2017..

Thursday, August 24, 2017

2623. Perhaps he got 3 quarters of the way

An I-hope-to-get-laid lad in Spencer
Put three coins in a men's room dispenser.
Armed with two prophylactics
Tried using didactics
On girlfriend but couldn't convince 'er.
Pop. 4,024

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

2622. Logophilic loser

A virginal fellow from Skiatook
Decided 'twas time he should try a nook*
Passed by Borders' front door
On his way to a whore,
Got cold feet and went inside to buy a book.

Pop. 7,788.  * 'Nookie', not a digital reader.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

2621. A sterling suggestion

If you're hosting a dinner in Porum
Don't set out your silver by Gorham
The men are all rubes
Who just want so see boobs
Which is why all their spouses abhor 'em.

Pop. 716

Monday, August 21, 2017

2620. Or should we drink Corona?

In Missouri to see the eclipse
So excited, my heart's doing flips!
With darkness in toto
I may take a photo
Or two in between champagne sips.

We're going to watch in St. Clair, MO, which will have totality for 2m, 40s.  We still have 80 miles to drive, as the nearest place we could find a motel (we only decided this last Thursday) was St. Robert, MO.  Rolla (26 miles closer but still 54 from our destination) had zero rooms then!

Sunday, August 20, 2017

2619. Playing with blue balls

A basketball player from Byng
Was hoping to have a sex flyng.
Chose a pretty young girl
But she ended their whirl
By not sucking the guy's ding-a-lyng.

Pop. 1,191  

Saturday, August 19, 2017

2618. Leave Minco, don't blink though

If you're trying to locate Pocasset,
Don't drive too fast or you will pass it.

When asked, "Have you been?
What do folks do for sin?"
Most people will just remain tacit.

Pop. 202

Friday, August 18, 2017

2617. Colorado courtesy

If a friend transports you with gay pride
To a bar, and then joins you inside
Where some guy with ass tight
Suggests, "Let's spend the night,"
Please do not forget --- Telluride.

Friend Robin performs every summer at the Telluride Chamber Music Festival.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

2616. Jocular jism jane

A woman from 'East' Broken Bow
Is a light-hearted, pot-smokin' ho.
She fellates with a giggle
Which makes the guys wiggle,
It's known as the old jokin' blow.

Pop. 4,132 (and too small to be 'directional.')

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

2615. Bucolic backwater

Unless you enjoy cattle herdin'
There ain't many jobs found in Verden.
If you visit, talk plain
Else you'll have to explain.
The folks there don't like fancy wordin'.

Pop. 529

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

2614. Larynx hijinx

There once was a woman from Welch
Habitually, she would belch.
With a cock down her throat
She got every man's vote,

Each hoped rumbling vibes she wouldn't squelch.
Pop. 601

Monday, August 14, 2017

2613. Laid back with lassitude

In the Chickasaw town, Tishomingo,
If you want some excitement, play bingo.
Things move at a crawl,
People speak with a drawl,
Which sounds like a whole different lingo.

Pop. 3,101 and capital of the Chickasaw Nation (but HQ is now in Ada.)

Sunday, August 13, 2017

2612. Barrel first

A bitchy blonde wife down in Holdenville
Spent at least two hours daily a'scoldin' Bill.
Her much-maligned mate
One night settled her fate,
Shoved a baseball bat into her golden hill.

Pop. 5,780.  The fat part of a baseball bat is called the barrel.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

2611. Best with liver and chianti

If you dream of a great cup of java
Don't grind it from beans known as 'fava.'
Your friends will deride
If you do.  Then you'll hide
From them, wearing a wool balaclava.

I had seen that final word but only recently learned what one is.

Friday, August 11, 2017

2610. Poetic thrustus

Here's some info on Stephen Benét
From what I've heard, he wasn't gay.

Liked to cherchez les femmes
And his dick he would cram
Inside Edna St. Vincent Millay.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

2609. Chipper clipper

My hair stylist's name is René
He's always upbeat, and he's gay.
As he trims up my hair
He discusses Flaubert,
And quotes Stephen Vincent Benét.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

2608. A Delight-ful guy

He was born in the sticks and the brambles
Learned to shred a guitar into shambles
Because of this chap
Jimmy Webb's on the map,
Don't expect any other Glen Campbells.

GC died yesterday from Alzheimer's complications.  Born in Delight, Arkansas, he was 81.  Non-musicians may not understand a couple of things: 1) to "shred" a guitar is to play it amazingly fast (and well.)  2) Songwriter Webb became famous mainly due to Glen's recordings of Galveston, Wichita Lineman, and By the Time I Get to Phoenix.

2607. Getting his licks in

In the Love County Seat, Marietta,
There's a horny guy --- he's a go-getta.
Harrison's his first name,
Couldn't fuck his new flame,
And when she refused, Harry etta.

Pop. 2,707

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

2606. Schnozz with a nozzle

A Graham from the clan of Montrose
Was born with a really long nose
The fellow's proboscis
Was such a colossus
It rivaled a firefighter's hose.

Here is the Graham tartan:

Monday, August 7, 2017

2605. People artesian her about it

There once was a woman named Meggs
With a strong fishy smell 'tween her legs
She drove down to Sulphur
Let hot springs engulf 'er,
Her snatch now smells like rotten eggs.

Pop. 5,052.  A bit of history... and another.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

2604. From sack to sac

A broke coed, Jill, in Stillwater
(So, certainly, not a Phil daughter)
Sought a guy's big erection.
They used no protection;
In nine months, what broke was Jill water.

Pop. 31,254.  Home of Oklahoma State Univ.  Grahams attend OU.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

2603. Cut in the lawn

A little old lady in Shawnee
Loved guys who were tawny and brawny
When one worked in her yard
Shirtless, muscles all hard,
It caused her to say, "Well, I'll swanee!"

Pop. 31,254.   'Swan' is a southern euphemism for "swear."

Friday, August 4, 2017

2602. Blue gene babies

A Tulsa suburb known as Glenpool
Has lots of fine folks, it's no sin pool
But some intermarry,
And spawn kids quite scary
They prob'ly should deepen their kin pool.

Pop. 13K.  Title explained(?) here.
If that town sounds familiar, it's because I did a red version back in mid-March.  I'm not running out of towns, just memory.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

2601. Dry run

A young country bumpkin from Sallisaw
Came home from vacation with Dallas awe
There he'd fucked 15 whores;

The last few gave him sores
When their desiccate cunts rubbed his phallus raw.

Pop. 8,650

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

2600. Heroin experiences

Some people who live in Atoka
Sell drugs such as pot, meth, and coca
Something else you should know
Is that things move so slow
There, it's hard to live La Vida Loca.

Pop. 8,598  Illegal drugs are a major income source.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

2599. Cocky in both ways

A consummate cocksman in Carmen
Does things other men find alarmin'
To them, he's a blowhard,
To gals, if he'll grow hard
They'll find him disarmin' and charmin'.

Pop. 362

Monday, July 31, 2017

2598. Amerigo round like never before seen

Comm. Director job's never a bore
What the hell is Trump tryin' to explore?
Like Surveyor Vespucci
Off sailed Scaramucci
When John Kelly showed him the door.

2597. Happy and pain-free

A hedonist hailing from Hollis
Was a criminal, wicked and lawless.
Had too much endorphin,
Was also an orphan
Who grew up both ma-less and pa-less.

Pop. 1,974

Sunday, July 30, 2017

2596. Attacked by hardened criminals

If you're sent to the pen out in Granite
You will wish you were on a new planet.
One guy who I knew
Got his ass filled with goo
By each con and the warden who ran it.

Pop. 2,065

Saturday, July 29, 2017

2594-2595. Who's Who / Who's Next?

From DC, we've ne'er seen such affairs
Appointees keep changing in pairs
From this administration
There's always sensation
It's like watching musical chairs.

7/21, Spicer said "Bye"
Sarah Sanders was impressed, oh, my!
Scaramucci's pure sin,
Priebus out, Kelly in,
Bannon may be the next guy to fly.

2593. Not at lagerheads

A beer-loving hussy from Hennessey
Liked to go to the bar and get Guinnessey.
Whenever she drank
Her pussy, it stank
But at yeast it did not make her menacey.

Pop. 2,194

Friday, July 28, 2017

2592. 8 miles from Texas

Roger Miller was born out in Erick
Not far from an old windmill derrick.
The words of his songs
Make for great sing-alongs
Their lyrics are often hysteric.

Pop. 1091.  Here is an example of his humor.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

2591. Starting on seven

I hope you won't give a look cursory
At these verses unsafe for a nursery
You could spend day and night
Viewing all of this site
As it celebrates 6th Anniversary.

I recommend that first-time readers go to the archives along the upper-right side.  By selecting an entire month, they won't have to click Older Posts at page-bottom so often.

2590. Offendian love call

A Cherokee warrior from Bushyhead
Upon spying a squaw's lovely tushy said,
"Let me give you a hint ---
Come visit my tent
And I'll screw you all night on my cushy bed."

Pop. 1,314

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

OP444-468. Birthday banter

A witty repartee between Suzanne and myself, yesterday and today, starting with a birthday verse.  This stops being about my birthday rather quickly.  I have Suzanne's approval to post this.  Enjoy the wall of limericks!

(SH) Happy birthday there, David, be glad
One more year of great wisdom you add
And as you get older
You'll be a cardholder
Of smarts, getting bold, but not bad.

(DR - OP193, updated for yesterday)
I've spent 35 years on this earth
And I've grown a whole lot since my birth
I'm becoming more sage
As I'm adding more age
But I'm mostly just adding more girth.

(SH) That's exactly what many girls want
They don't care for a fellow who's gaunt
You're so huggable, oh!
With that teddy bear glow
So be proud of it, go ahead, flaunt!

(DR) If I do that, I may be in trouble
With the women, they may make it double
Do you want me to strut
And act like a slut
When I have a big butt, like a bubble?

(SH) You're too humble to seem like you're slutty
Because you're so darn funny and nutty!
All your clever brain cells
Will just ring all their bells
In your hands, all the gals will be putty.

(DR) If that were the case, I'd be taken
By the womenfolk, I've been forsaken
None are wanting that gig
'Cause I'm just too damn big
So I stay home and pig out on bacon.

(SH) In the boonies, what did you expect?
Hardly any girls there to select!
Oh, what a sad waste
That they're big-city based
So the odds that you're chased might be wrecked.

(DR) I suspect if I'm in a big city
Then my chances are equally shitty
I'd have zero impact
For my form won't attract
Any dates would just act out of pity

(SH) They don't all think the same, there are some
Who don't care 'bout the size of your bum
They want someone who's smart
With an awesome good heart
And you do play the part, you ain't dumb!

(DR) I know there are girls who don't tend
To dwell, to that end, on my end
But it's still not to be
With those women, you see
They think only of me as a friend.

(SH) You are judging too soon, that's a crime!
Reaching second base always takes time
So you gave up and parted
Before getting started
Up pathways uncharted, so climb!

(DR) Well, I may speak too soon, I'll admit
But so far I have not been a hit
As for running the bases
In all of my cases -
The Look on their faces. Oh Shit!

(SH) Well, you don't run the bases, just walk 'em
And you'll find nonchalance will unlock 'em
Take your time with your speed
Let the ladies just lead
And you won't even need to sweet-talk 'em

(DR) It is good advice to go slow
When making my move on them, though
Whenever I do it
They're never into it
Their answer (I knew it) is "NO!"

(SH) Please reread what I said, that should prove
You'll ace IF you don't make the first move
Here patience is key
And I do guarantee
Just do nothing and see how they groove!

(DR) Do nothing, just wait, you implore?
And they'll beat down a path to my door?
They will think I don't care
If in fact they're aware
That I even am there anymore.

(SH) You see, when a friendship gets deeper
That's when they will see you're a keeper
I know that it's true
This is just what they'll do
And they'll snuggle with you as a sleeper.

(DR) If you think this approach makes me mobbable
By the women (who'd make me quite throbbable)
Or I find just one gal
Who'll be more than a pal
Well, the chance I'll corral her - improbable.

(SH) Oh fella! You couldn't be wronger!
Patience WILL make your chances much stronger
I should know! I contain
The same female-type brain!
Trust my instincts! You'll gain and last longer!

(DR) Well, that outcome just isn't the trend's own
So I can't slam my balls in their endzone

For they don't give a fuck
I am shit out of luck
It appears I am stuck in the friendzone.

(SH) Society claims your damnation
As you follow their (each) expectation
Your own life is unique
But you're making it weak
When predicting a bleak situation.

(DR) What I say, you might think it rings hollow
My experience taught me to wallow

I am not a savant
I've a figure to haunt
This, a woman would want? I don't follow.

(SH) Not all women judge books by their covers
Especially the ones whose cute lovers
Would burn them, and shove
Them away and fake love
As a dark cloud above them still hovers

Fancy looks that would flatter soon scatter
Which the ugly inside will then shatter
So what sets them apart?
A fun brain that is smart
And a kind loving heart which do matter.

(DR) All right, then, Suzanne, I concede
I am all that a woman would need
Girls are under my hex
I am smart and complex
And a wizard at sex, it's agreed.

(SH) The Law of Attraction is clear
That the time will be coming, it's near
As your thoughts do create
Your reality. Great!
Now allow your good fate to appear.

At long last, I'm letting her have the last word.

All except the verse which was already on this blog use Suzanne's little trick with L5.

2589. Wit of the staircase

When with friends for a nice dejeuner
And you find nothing clever to say,
Just wait 'til you leave,
Then retort you'll conceive:
A case of l'esprit d'escalier.*

* To think of the perfect riposte on the staircase, having left the dinner party.

OP443. Wang slang

A prick, or a dick, or a dong
A wand, anaconda, or schlong
If it's doubly balled

Then whatever it's called
Doesn't matter, as long as it's long.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

2588. Five years? No way!

On this date in 1982
Arrived David; we're so glad he grew
To a brainy, fun fellow
With manner quite mellow
Who writes awesome limericks, too!

See more of his excellence at Dave's own site.

Wow, David!  I cannot believe how long you've been following my blog!  Looking back through its archives I discovered that you first sent me a limerick in 2012 -- four days prior to this site's 1st anniversary and two days before your 30th birthday.

Here is that initial effort and here is the one from a year later -- actually written by your sister, you say --.which first notified us of your birthday.  I posted this follow-up to it.

It's been a joy to have your support, humor, and intelligence these past five years, so keep writing and keep havin' birthdays!

OP442. Party hearty, David!

Happy birthday, and stop dillydallyin'
Party hard, jump around like a stallion
And some day you will find
A gal nuts, sweet and kind
With big boobs, nice behind, you rapscallion!

2587. Or other horsin' around...

An equestrienne living in Warner
Just couldn't be any forlorner
She's lost her sanguinity
And her virginity,
Seems riding bareback has torn 'er.

Pop. 1,619

Monday, July 24, 2017

PD312-315. Clean classics

There was a young lady of Kent,
Who admitted she knew what it meant
        When men asked her to dine,
        And plied her with wine,
She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!

There once was a man with a hernia
Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
        When you work on my middle
        Be sure you don't fiddle
With things down there that don't concern ya."

There once was a pretty young Mrs.
Whose tearful but short story thrs.
        Her mind lost its grasp -
        Now she thinks she's an asp
And just sits in the corner and hrs.

According to experts, the oyster
In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
       May frequently be
       Either he or a she
Or both, if it should be its choice ter.

Cute, but wrong.  They are in phylum Mollusca.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

2586. A fjordable care act

A Norwegian ex-pat with name 'Jorgen'
Farms a half-section outside of Forgan
He's a bachelor guy
So to help him get by,
Each evening he plays his pumped organ.

Pop. 534.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

2585. Just duet!

At the Lutheran Church, downtown Binger,
The music program's no hum-dinger

Yes, it's true, things are dire,
They have no vocal choir
Nor a bell one -- one singer, one ringer.

Pop. 656.

Friday, July 21, 2017

2582-84. Premature ejaculation

Afraid he would say something cheek'ly
A farmer boy sought advice meekly;
"Tell me what I can say
To my girl so she'll lay?"
Friend said, "You must approach it obliquely."

"Try painting your horse's tail red.
In the wagon, here's what will be said:
'Why the colorful rear?'
Conversation you'll steer
From 'butt' into going to bed."

So in hopes that he'd have him some luck,
Painted horse's ass red, hitched the buck
Board up; called for the maid,
When she asked, "Why that shade?"
He said, "Glad that you asked!  Wanna fuck?"

In old novels, "ejaculated" meant "blurted out."  Like "intercourse," it has pejorated.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

2581. It's a breeze

If you ever drove into Olustee
And got out of your car, you got dusty
Well, unless it had rained,
Still, your energy drained
From those damned prairie winds strong and gusty.

Pop. 593

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

PD310-311. The genesis for these is in Ch. 38: 8&9

Three cheers for that lusty guy, Onan --
A hero much greater than Conan.
He handled his need
By spilling his seed
But his sister-in-law was left moanin'.

Screwing Tamar, old Onan was set
To pay a prescribed family debt.
When the stud withdrew early,
He 'splained it was purely
'Cause condoms were not devised yet.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

OP441. Sent me by a new AWAD friend

I congratulated Edith Lowe from Bath, England on a great AWAD limerick she wrote a few weeks ago.  She wrote back, sending me this one.  It came to her from a friend on holiday in Northern France.
Whenever I begin to think, "I'm really good at limericks!", along comes one like this to puncture my over-inflated ego.
Ironic though now it appears
After seven or eight hundred years,
Most cases of death
'Round the time of Macbeth
Were from clubbing and Brittany spears.

Monday, July 17, 2017

2580. A big dill at one time

When haying, the chaff causes prickles
And it's hard work out swingin' those sickles
It is dangerous, too,
I know men who can't screw
Because errant blades chopped off their pickles.

Now, wasn't that inscytheful?

Sunday, July 16, 2017

2579. No giant trees either place

If you take a road trip to Sequoyah
The denizens there will enjoy ya
It's on Route Sixty-Six
Sort of out in the sticks
So I doubt if you'll think it's La Jolla.

Pop. 671

Saturday, July 15, 2017

2578. But business was really slow

A prostitute living in Wayne
Had a giant, retentive-type brain.
Besides fucking, gained fame
From the fact she could name
Ev'ry fellow with whom she had lain.

Pop. 704

2577. If music be the food of love...

A music-degreed cook in Copan
Worked best humming nocturnes by Chopin
Cooked all of her day foods
While iPod™ played etudes,
Baked biscuits sublime in her dough pan.

Pop. 741

Thursday, July 13, 2017

2576. Russian to cover up

In Trump's G20 meetin' with Putin
Charge of tampering, Vlad was refutin'.
Then Don Junior got caught
For some things that he ought
Not have done; all those fuckers need bootin'.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

2575. Lookin' for trouble

The sheriff of tiny Canute
Had a pistol he ne'er got to shoot.
Like John Wayne's pard, Yakima,
Wished he could sack him a
Nasty, law-breakin' galoot.

Pop. 539. Yak's last name had a short 'u', though.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

OP440. Getting down and dirty

I know of a fellow named Joe
Who is proud of his garden, although
His wife, she will tell us
She's really quite jealous - 
He spends all his time with his hoe.

OP439. Off the rails

Yes, I took the easy target.

There once was a man, Donald J.
In a line, as he heard a voice say,
"You are getting a brain."
What he heard, though, was "train",
So he left to get out of the way.

2574. Jewish convert?

In olden days, if a mohel clipped a knight,
The blood from dismembering dripped a night
No Superman, he,
If he got up to pee
He felt weak, as if nearby were kryptonite.

(You know a lim is lousy when ya have to show the stresses.)

Monday, July 10, 2017

2573. Sidewalk show-off

In the hillbilly hamlet of Haskell
Lived a goat roper, name of McKaskel.
He strolled Main Street posing
And sometimes exposing
His pecker, that filthy old rascal.

Pop. 1,979

Sunday, July 9, 2017

2572. Named for one of our first senators

(Who was also grandfather to Bill Clinton's V.P.)
Should you chance to go looking for Gore
It's found right on the Arkansas shore,
Just 4 miles from a lock
Built of concrete and rock
By those engineers called "Army Corps."

Pop. 954.  The McClellan-Kerr Arkansas River Navigation System runs 445 miles from Catoosa, OK to the Mississippi River.  The lock (and dam) I referenced is #16 at Webbers Falls, just upriver from Gore.
A bit of trivia: For years, Lawton's blood bank was on Gore Blvd.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

2571. What a hack.

When in need of a haircut in Garber
Not much choice; there is only one barber.
I went there and, sadly,
He chopped my hair badly
Because of it, mean thoughts I harbor.

Pop. 849

Friday, July 7, 2017

2570. Someone deux us a favor

It's the day of Trump's meetin' with Putin.
Oh, what pricks!  Neither one's worth salutin'.
I'll attract when I say,
"Both those sons-of-a-bitch deserve shootin!"

Thursday, July 6, 2017

2569. Picking your poison (banging?)

A virginal lady in Vici
Has beautiful hair and one nice eye
But her left one stays black
From each right-handed whack

From her guy; she won't fuck to make Bryce sigh.
Pop. 715

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

2568. I'll doctor my own steak, thank you

Sweet Kathryn, a gal from Paoli,
Spread her husband's filet with aioli
Which she should not have done;
She was shot by his gun,
Up 'til then he had treasured Kay wholly.

Pop. 611

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

2567. My brother provided the punch line

One Okie rep. doesn't preside 'n shine
(And he sure never followed Joe Biden's line.)
The first time he "free mailed"
With a joke he got nailed:
"The Congressman sent frank of Bridenstine."

At a town-hall-like forum before Oklahoma's 2012 congressional elections, brother Steve asked for the microphone and said, "If the Republican candidate wins in the 1st district, will a mailing to his constituents be known as 'the frank of Bridenstine'?"  According to Steve, it garnered the desired groans from the panel and audience.  Thankfully, Jim Bridenstine is now in his 3rd (and final!) term.  He's made enough scary moves.

OP435-438. Happy Birthday America!

Happy birthday there, US of A!
And make this a spectacular day
You can see we still love ya
You fit like a glove; ya
Know we'd never shove ya away!

Just remember to keep standing tall
Try forgetting events of last fall
Read the book from the shelf
That says, "Dance Like an Elf"
Go ahead, let yourself have a ball!

So now, USA, let us lock lips
After all, we are joined at the hips!
Daily trading two billion
We'll come by the million
To witness your solar eclipse.

You are two hundred plus forty-one
Don't stop partying till you are done!
And we hope you're aware
That up north here, we care
And we also do share in your fun!

Happy birthday, neighbor! And many more!

Monday, July 3, 2017

2566. Not in China or Switzerland

A handsome young roué from Canton
Was known for his wild galavantin'
Any Jane, Sue, or Carrie
He fucked on the prairie
Would always get wet and start pantin'.

Pop. 622

Sunday, July 2, 2017

2565. Caries quite a penalty

A sadistic old dentist in Billings
Enjoys both extractions and drillings
If you don't like his work
He becomes quite a jerk
And slips arsenic into your fillings.

 Pop. 508

Saturday, July 1, 2017

OP432-434. We're still young

Being a Canuck, and a privileged, occasional contributor to this site, I'm going to take the liberty of throwing in a little birthday tribute to my home and native land, north of the border. It's Canada Day! Somehow, y'all ended up in the mix (can't stay away, we're joined at the hip!), so here we go...

Well, I come from the land of Canuck
Where our loonie is really a buck
If you're getting too warm
Just come north for a storm
Being cold is the norm; you're in luck!

We Canucks love you Yankees, it's true
You are spunky, creative (weird too!)
You're all smart, so take note
(Well, except when you vote)
But we still like to dote upon you!

We think national birthdays are nifty
We spend lavishly, yet we're still thrifty
Well, the party ain't done
It has only begun
'Cause today we turn hundred and fifty!

PD302-309. But not TOO young...

You'll note that all of these begin with the same 5 words.
There was a young girl of Asturias
With a penchant for practices curious.
        She loved to bat rocks
        With her gentlemen's cocks --
A practice both rude and injurious.

There was a young girl of Cape Town
Who usually fucked with a clown
        He taught her the trick
        Of sucking his prick,
And when it went up -- she went down.

There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
        She was fucked at the show
        In the twenty-third row,
And once more going home in the taxi.

There was a young girl of Rangoon
Who was screwed by a Hindi buffoon.
    "Well, it has been great fun,"
    She remarked when he'd done,
"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."

There was a young girl from Edina,
Who shoved avians up her vagina
As much as she pleased,
'Til one day, she sneezed --
Out popped three toucans and a mynah!

There was a young girl named O'Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
        She got roars of applause
        When she kicked off her drawers,
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.

There was a young girl named Miss Randall
Who thought it beneath her to handle
    A young fellow's pole,
    So instead, her hot hole
Was contented by means of a candle.

There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
        A wad-shot rang her bell
        And she said with a yell,       
"Me give you a ding for a dong!"

Friday, June 30, 2017

2564. Cryptic plea

Home alone, eating large Belgian Waffle,
Man stuffed too much in mouth, a whole jawful.
Blocked his 'trache' and esophagus
Now needs sarcophagus.
He's become something quite offal.

(Alternative title: Coffin fit.)

Thursday, June 29, 2017

2563. Named for a Seminole Chief

A male paraplegic in Bowlegs
Wore prosthetics which acted as faux legs.
Only method he knew
Of when trying to screw
Was on back; wife would straddle with dough legs.

Pop. 403.  12 miles west is the also-tiny town of Maud.  It is often said in my hometown of Ada, "You have to go through Bowlegs to get to Maud."

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

2562. On the road to nowhere

There isn't an airport in Byars
It's a town which gets no frequent fliers.
The setting's bucolic
No one goes to frolic
If folks say they've flown there, they're liars.

Pop. 261

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

2561. How now, salchow?

A skater from tiny Bokoshe
Hoped to make the Olympics in Sochi
At the Worlds, met a Jap
Gal who gave him the clap
When she let him glide in just a sukoshi.

Pop. 493

Monday, June 26, 2017

2560. Quite a life

The Tom Mix Museum in Dewey
Celebrates him with much ballyhooey
His films, slightly violent,
Were almost all siolent
We hardly remember him, do we?

Pop. 3,812.  Of his 291 films, only 9 were "talkies."

Sunday, June 25, 2017

2559. Cleaner than my pun

On screen, a comedian ducked a pie
In the next scene a brahma bull bucked a guy
It took no acuity
To know continuity
Was needed to make that flick fructify.

That last word was an early May AWAD.  My pun was,
"I'm pregnant with triplets but I'm fructify know how it happened."

Saturday, June 24, 2017

PD300-301. Two ungodly ones

There was a young girl of Gibraltar
Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
It really seems odd
That a virtuous God
Should answer her prayers and assault her.

There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
Perceiving his error,
The Rabbi in terror
Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"

Friday, June 23, 2017

2551-2557. Bon Anniversaire to big bro

It was during the 2nd World War
The year was Nineteen Forty Four
That on June twenty-third
Your voice was first heard
And thus began musical lore.

You started piano at six
At Miss Lucas' home in the sticks
Johns Thompson and Schaum
Wrote the books dad and mom
Bought to teach you your digital licks.

At 18 you got into J.
Martin Kanin did polish your play.
You married Miss Ann,
Got your Masters, then ran
Off to teach in far west I-o-way.

Entered Queen E. and wowed the Bruxellians
By now, life with Ann brought rebellions
Thought no one could be colder,
Wed Bev, moved to Boulder,
Much later she joined with the hellions.

But first, life was lovely and blissy
Along came your only child, Chrissie.
She's the pride of your life
Too bad Bev, as a wife,
Became prone to throw fits that were hissie.

And speaking of fit, you've stayed leaner
Than most men your age, also cleaner
You don't cherchez les femmes
Any more, you found glam-
or ascending each Rocky Fourteener.

I could deftly continue to say
How much you've impressed with the way
That you've conquered each pitfall
In life, and let it fall
Aside, now enjoy your birthday!

2550. Off to the clip joint

A man hated to get hard in Coyle
For he had on his dick a large boil
Though he wasn't Jewish
Knew just what to do-ish,
He had it removed by a mohel.

Pop. 352

Thursday, June 22, 2017

2549. He should've bottom a drink first

Some bluenoses walking through Weatherford
Were offended when they altogether heard
A man say, "nice ass"
As he happened to pass.
They weren't very fond of that nether word.

Pop. 11,978

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

2548. Neologistic nickname

An AWAD e-pal challenged me and my fellow Limericks in the Time of Trump authors to rhyme the final word.  I was the only participant, so I guess mine wins!
If you're among 45's henchmen
You'd better not act like a linchpin
Lay low, that's the story
Don't steal Donald's glory
Or else you'll bring out Trumplethinskin.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

2547. Should've C'rest 'em first

A Cherokee badass in Tahlequah
Was constantly looking to foul a maw
With a load of his cum
Squirted on teeth and gum,
If he heard, "No," he might disembowel a squaw.

Pop. 16,741

Monday, June 19, 2017

2546. Gotcha, gaucha!

An Argentine cowgirl named Lola
Got a job on a spread in Pocola.
The ranch foreman said
When he found three calves dead,
"Quit ropin' them cows with that bola!"

Pop. 4K

Sunday, June 18, 2017

2545. Mine would hide like a turtle

There once was an athlete named Jake
Who swam in an ice-laden lake
Though the cold made him shudder
He used for a rudder
His lengthy and thick one-eyed snake.

OP429-431. For men only... Happy Father's Day!

With sunshine and clouds made of cotton
Not a single dad should be forgotten
So today, right on cue
I wish each one of you
Happy Father's Day, do get spoiled rotten!

Ev'ry day, there's a surefire way
To have fun, so just hear what I say:
Read each verse (fill your head)
Even those typed in red
And the archives ain't dead; come and play!

And so even if you're not a dad
Come around anyway, you'll be glad!
With no 'dad' boots to fill
You can read here at will
You've got time you can kill and be bad.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

2544. James 1: 26

Found here... (then scroll to verse 26.)
A pastor with church in Purcell
Wrecked his car, a Toyota Tercel.
When the man saw the damage
That came from the slammage
Townfolk heard that preacher curse well.

Pop. 6,370.

Friday, June 16, 2017

2543. Fit to be tied

A dumb woman in hopes of gestation
Twice per day takes her man on for meshin'
Though they fuck ev'ry chance
No bulge grows in her pants
Prob'ly due to her tubal ligation.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

2542. Recusals and refusals

The committee tried questioning Sessions
His forgetfulness left bad impressions
"Don't recall."  "Don't remember."
Those lips were not limber
And didn't make any confessions.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

2541. A spelling führer

The orange man's tweets, less than leafy,
Include May 31's weird "covfefe"
Was he spelling "kerfuffle?"
It seems that his duffel
Contains words like Mad Mag's "potzrebie."

(Apologies for the near-rhymes.  Then again, who knows how "covfefe" is pronounced?)

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

2540. Durant was due

The Warriors again won it all
Only five games to make Cleveland fall
After showing the door
To three others in four,
Had a 16-1 postseason ball!

OP426-428. A special day today

Happy birthday, you Limerick King
Who is worthy of having a fling
With the gals in your poems
Who sport double D domes
As your hands are their homes while they swing.

I'm so sorry, I'm only a C
So you'd stay far away from li'l me
But keep dreaming up rhymes
And keep ringing those chimes
To keep up the good times; it's all free!

Your humor helps hearts that feel ill
You're much better than most ev'ry pill
For whatever has ailed them
Where happiness failed them
You ought to be hailed 'Dr. Phil'!

Monday, June 12, 2017

2539. They prefer broad jumping

The smallish community, Walters,
Isn't far from
Marlow, home of vaulters.
But when local boys' poles
Become hard, their girls' holes
Become stuffed by those Walters assaulters.

Pop. 2,502

Sunday, June 11, 2017

2538. Just mescaline around

A religious-law-ignorant narco
Learned the truth when he checked Anadarko
In reports that he wrote he
Admitted peyote
Was used ev'ry night in the park, oh.

Pop. 6,717 and known as "Indian Capital of the World."

Saturday, June 10, 2017

2537. Vaht? No Vienna sausages?

A jolly old German named Otto
In the tavern would order some Cotto
Salami and beer
Consumed with great cheer --
That is until Otto got blotto.

Friday, June 9, 2017

2536. Diamonds are a boy's best friend

A gay Chinaman, Ling, from Kingfisher
Sells diamonds so he's a bling disher
To attract local queers
He wears studs in both ears,
It works, too, by making Ling swisher.

Pop. 4,865

Thursday, June 8, 2017

2523-2535. Stepping down without a frown

In this one, crimson is used when my alma mater is mentioned.

We were all caught off guard and said, "Oops!"
Stations' programming got knocked for loops
Yesterday they cut in 

And said, to our chagrin, 
The Sooners are losing Bob Stoops!

The announcement came out of the blue!
Or, in other words, only Bob knew
He was gonna step down
(But remain in the town)
He just felt 'twas the best thing to do.

The word is that he is not ill
Nor will this fall's team be less than bril'
Bob announced, "It is time,
Want to quit in my prime."
He's leaving HUGE Nikes to fill.

That task now befalls Lincoln Riley
An offensive mind thought of highly
On staff just two years
But no reason for fears,
The plays he comes up with are wily.

Now back to Coach Stoops, let's review:
1999, he arrived new
John Blake was a dope
And the fans had lost hope
Young Bobby knew just what to do.

He moved sev'ral players around
The defense he installed was more sound
After four straight bad seasons
The fan base had reasons
To know we were on the rebound.

That first year's team won seven games
Using guys with unusual names
Like Heupel and Hybl
And Torrance.  Q'd nibble
For yards, no more dying in flames.

And then the millenium turned,
Both Nebraska and Texas we burned
Plus K-State in the middle,
This team didn't piddle
Sooner Magic had fully returned!

Undefeated, but FSU, too.
In Miami we met to see who
Would be National Champs
OU gave the 'noles cramps,
Defeating them 13 to 2.

Three years in the following eight
We again played for BCS great-
ness in championship game
But could not ever claim
The top prize, it was just not our fate.

For eighteen years, Bob Stoops has led us,
We fans hungered for wins and he fed us
Fourteen times whipped O-State
'Horns eleven, how great!
No better coach ever did head us.

Though now gone, Bob owes fans no appeasin's
But we think we know one of the reasons...
Didn't want to forsake
Twin sons Isaac and Drake
As they each play their last high school seasons.

I could go on and on but it's tough
Rhyming verses (sometimes off the cuff)
But I think I'll close here,
Let's give one final cheer
For Coach Stoops.  Like you, he's had enough.

2522. Foreskin forecast

An uncircumcised fellow in Stroud
Liked to brag on his dick long and loud
"If you'll join me in bed
I will show you its head!"
He'd say, proud of what hid 'neath its shroud.

Pop. 2,767

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

2517-2521. NCAA Softball Superstars

The Florida team, the 1-seed,
On the championship took a bead
Oklahoma won last year

Played super, well past fear,
Opponents' hype they didn't heed.

Alhough OU was seeded but 10
They played great and they managed to win
Every game in Ok. City.
By showing no pity
Sent 'gator team home to its fen.

In game one, seemed no team would prevail
Seventeen innings 'fore 'gator fail.
Last batter out swinging
No fat lady singing
OU had its own Knighten*-gale.

Game two almost anti-climactic
Each coach dug down deep for a tactic
That would win them the game
Neither team deserves shame
Each played all-out and never didactic.

The 'gators were under the gun
Lose game 2 and go home, that's no fun
But for them things turned tragic
They faced "Sooner Magic"
Now twice in a row OU's won!

*Oklahoma sophomore Shay Knighten was named tournament MVP.

2516. Not at home on the range

A man who lived just outside Blanchard
Bought cattle and land where he ranchered
Really disliked the work,
Many tasks he would shirk
So a cowboy he hired and endantured.

Pop. 8,280

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

2515. Deus ex machina

An oversexed ruler despotic
Desired a contraption robotic
Had his chief engineer
Build him something quite dear;
With hands free, he is auto-erotic.

 That one evokes these two.

Monday, June 5, 2017

2514. You won't leave hungry

SE Oklahoma has long been called "Little Dixie."
"Little Dixie" is where you'll find Krebs
Home of coal miners' offspring, few debs.
Three Italian food places*
But I've seen no traces
Of flags that were flown by the rebs.

Pop. 2,053.  *This one is my favorite!