Saturday, September 23, 2017

2657. Staying abreast of things

At times I have been known to tipple
But at least I don't drink that crap, Ripple™
When tight, I've been told
That I've grown rather bold
Asking girls, "Hey!  May I suck your nipple?"

Friday, September 22, 2017

2656. Golf spelled backward is...

With his mind not on golf but on ass,
A guy found his ball in tall grass.
From deep in the fescue
Tried using a Rescue™
And made triple-bogey, alas.

In 2003, TaylorMade Golf Co. invented small-headed metal-woods to replace difficult-to-hit long irons.  They called them "rescue" clubs.  Now every company offers them and, generically, they're called "utility clubs" -- no good for escaping deep grass, though.

Here's a cute poem (not original):
I knew I had him when I saw where he stood
He was knee-deep in Johnson Grass, reachin' for a wood.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

2655. A nursery (c)rime

Two horny shoe-fetish galoots
Decided to work in cahoots
They saved their best hugs
For women in Uggs™
'cause each really liked puss in boots.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

2654. Airport, here I come

While in San Juan with glass of sangria
Was told of oncoming Maria.
I settled my tab,
Had them call me a cab
And then told the bartender, "I'll see ya!"

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

2653. Can't stave off hunger

There's a fat flaming faggot named Farrell
Whose butt is as big as a barrel
If your wish is to sodomize
You'll find that his bottom lies
'neath 5 yards of très gay apparel.

Monday, September 18, 2017

2652. Stamp of disapproval

There once was a school girl named Natalie
With habit of being quite tattley.
She'd go tell the teacher
If you were a breacher
Of rules.  Later, took up philately.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

2651. Leaking like the Valdez

That damned Donald Trump put a hex on
My stock in the oil giant, Exxon,
When he chose (my sad fate)
Secretary of State.
Oh, why did he ever put Rex on?

On 2/1/17 -- the day Tillerson was appointed -- Exxon-Mobil fell from $83.89 to $82.94.   It had dropped to $76.10 by 8/30 but, due to the havoc of Hurricane Harvey, is rising and closed at $80.07 yesterday.

Friday, September 15, 2017

2650. Rube lube

In the throes of a summer cold, I
Found my wife's twat to be very dry.
Coughed up a big oyster
To moisten her cloister,
It then felt like blueberry pie!

Thursday, September 14, 2017

2649. Stem-ing the flow

The Sister's meatus was key
To insuring (mid-prayers) she'd not pee.
She chanted, "Qui tollis"
With one gladiolus
Stuck in it precariously.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

2648. Who watches this crap?

"Real Housewives" are always a'bitchin'
Grab remote and commence channel switchin'.
Jersey's, New York's, and Cal's
Are all back-stabbing gals
And you'll rarely see one in the kitchen.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

2647. How did he orient himself?*

The emperor known as Vespasian
Had a weakness for women Eurasian.
If their eyes had that slant
He'd confess, "I just can't
Help but fuck one on ev'ry occasion."

*Are their gashes vertical, horizontal, or at a 45º angle?

Monday, September 11, 2017

2646. Big Brother, 33 years later

The minions in Russia want mutiny,
They are mostly fed up with Vlad Putin, he
Was once KGB
And I'd say, probably,
That his spies still keep proles under scrutiny.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

2645. Maniacal in manacles

The pris'ner had been nowhere danker
Than the hold as the ship lay at anchor
To pass time, whipped his dong
All the day and night long
(Up until it developed a chancre.)

Saturday, September 9, 2017

2644. Cold as I.C.E.

The Donald says, "Overturn DACA!"
His heart and his brain are like caca.
He hasn't an ounce
Of concern; let ICE* pounce
And deport kids to, say, Cuernavaca.

* Immigration and Customs Enforcement.

Friday, September 8, 2017

2643. Extra points for creativitiy

I do not think of sex as a chore
When my sports-fan wife comes thru the door,
Gets on rug, tugs off tights,
Raises legs like uprights
And exhorts me to, "Come on and score!"

Thursday, September 7, 2017

2642. Pitiful pecs

I should lay in the sun and get tan boobs
For as I have aged, I've grown man boobs.
I hate when I hear
That I need a manssière!
On guys, I think God oughtta ban boobs.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

2641. Monday's AWAD

A brickmason called the hod porter back,
Saying, "Hey!  Would you please bring my mortar back?"
"No!," hod man said crabbily,
"You're working so shabbily
I must play Monday Morning Quarterback."

The final three words, which aren't anapæstic, were the 9/4 AWAD and were challenging.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

2640. Riviera riskiness

A man living in Cannes, surname Cabot,
Had a bold and a dangerous habit

On the beach there in France
He would dangle his schwantz,
Tempting poodles to stretch up and grab it.

Monday, September 4, 2017

2639. A new tack

I've rhymed enough small Okie towns
No doubt I've brought readers some frowns
So from here and on out
I'll quit being a lout
And try making you laugh just like clowns.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

2638. No need for a rain gauge

A meteorologist's rage
Will come out if he's stationed in Gage.
The town's God-forsaken,
No rep. he'll be makin'
He'll only see dust storms and sage.

Pop. 436.  For years, Oklahoma TV stations have reported the temperature in Gage.  I assumed it had a weather station but have been unable to find anything supporting that.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

2637. No Frito-Lays for him

A boy in the burg of Bokchito
Had a penis the size of a Cheeto
Its shape was odd, too,
With that same orange hue,
Only swelled when bit by a mosquito.

Pop. 653

Friday, September 1, 2017

2636. Water we doing later?

If you go to a boat race in Hydro
Bleacher seats are the best on a side row
There's one sculler named Clyde
Who can make his shell glide,
So sit back and enjoy watching Clyde row.

Pop. 962 and no lakes.  Named for abundant wells.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

2635. Bountiful boobs

There's a beautiful girl down in Dustin
When men see her, they always start lustin'
She's their rodeo queen
And her tits are obscene,
Double G's --- make you want to start thrustin'.

Pop 381

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

2634. It was actually on 8/27

It's the birthday of my old friend, Jim
Who could spend a few hours in the gym
But it takes one to know one
Besides, a gym's no fun,
We'd each rather drink than get slim.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

2633. Be lewd to be laid

There's a small Okie town that's named "Greasy"
Do not try the cafe, you'll feel queasy
But if you should drop by
For some snatch on the sly
You'll find most of the girls to be sleazy.

Pop. 372.

Monday, August 28, 2017

2632. While you're at it, belt me

A show-offy rancher from Braman
Wanted cowboy boots made out of caiman.
No one had them in stock
So he said, "What a croc!"
And had a pair made by a layman.

Pop. 213

Sunday, August 27, 2017

2630-2631. Slow business day

A madam with attitude sunny
Found a lad on her stoop looking funny.

Asked him, "Whaddya want?"
The youngster said, "Cunt",
So she said to him, "Show me the money."

When the little guy pulled out one dollar
She said, "For that, no whore's a baller."
Confused, he said, "What?"
She replied, "Won't buy twat
But for 50 cents more, I will swaller."

Saturday, August 26, 2017

2625-2629. Killer AWADs

This week's offerings from A.Word.A.Day were extremely difficult for rhyming.  I suspected that many of the limericks submitted to for inclusion in the weekend roundup (the AWADmail) would have near-rhymes, so I took on the task of trying to avoid any and sent these in.  How'd I do?

Parergon (pa RUHR gahn) - an accessory, embellishment, or byproduct of a main work
A polar bear lived an iceberg on
Just wishing he had a parergon.
Found a turpentine can,
Thought it might yield a tan,
Then wondered, "Hey!  Where has my fur gone?"

Deterge (di TUHRGE) - to wash, wipe, or cleanse
Secret Service is having to splurge
On hotels, is it time for a purge?
Food at Trump's Mar a lago
Costs like it's from Spago,
How long before Don we deterge?

Trangam (TRANG um) - a trinket, puzzle, or odd gadget
Got a call from my friend, Larry Langham,
He said, "I'm in need of some trangam."
"My Monopoly™ game
Has no tokens --- a shame."
I told him, "No problem, I'll brang 'em."

Transitive - a verb that takes an object; or involving transition; or changeable, transient
Some Germans who really liked schmaltz
Gave cotillions in downtown New Paltz
The music, while dance-ative
Was certainly transitive,
Kept switching from polka to waltz.

Synoptic - relating to a summary or general view of something, or taking a similar view (as the first three Gospels of the Bible -- Matthew, Mark, Luke)
A Christian in Egypt, a Coptic,
Reads the Gospels in manner synoptic.
He does this on-line
Which is normally fine,
Unless there's a glitch fiber-optic.

Friday, August 25, 2017

2624. Hairy indianus

A bottom who lived in Beirut
Decided he'd learn to play flute.
Then a top came along,
Slipped the flautist his dong
And our music man gave a gay toot.

Title is a pun on "Gary, Indiana" --- a song from "The Music Man."
"Tops and bottoms" were explained in #2398 in Feb. 2017..

Thursday, August 24, 2017

2623. Perhaps he got 3 quarters of the way

An I-hope-to-get-laid lad in Spencer
Put three coins in a men's room dispenser.
Armed with two prophylactics
Tried using didactics
On girlfriend but couldn't convince 'er.
Pop. 4,024

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

2622. Logophilic loser

A virginal fellow from Skiatook
Decided 'twas time he should try a nook*
Passed by Borders' front door
On his way to a whore,
Got cold feet and went inside to buy a book.

Pop. 7,788.  * 'Nookie', not a digital reader.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

2621. A sterling suggestion

If you're hosting a dinner in Porum
Don't set out your silver by Gorham
The men are all rubes
Who just want so see boobs
Which is why all their spouses abhor 'em.

Pop. 716

Monday, August 21, 2017

2620. Or should we drink Corona?

In Missouri to see the eclipse
So excited, my heart's doing flips!
With darkness in toto
I may take a photo
Or two in between champagne sips.

We're going to watch in St. Clair, MO, which will have totality for 2m, 40s.  We still have 80 miles to drive, as the nearest place we could find a motel (we only decided this last Thursday) was St. Robert, MO.  Rolla (26 miles closer but still 54 from our destination) had zero rooms then!

Sunday, August 20, 2017

2619. Playing with blue balls

A basketball player from Byng
Was hoping to have a sex flyng.
Chose a pretty young girl
But she ended their whirl
By not sucking the guy's ding-a-lyng.

Pop. 1,191  

Saturday, August 19, 2017

2618. Leave Minco, don't blink though

If you're trying to locate Pocasset,
Don't drive too fast or you will pass it.

When asked, "Have you been?
What do folks do for sin?"
Most people will just remain tacit.

Pop. 202

Friday, August 18, 2017

2617. Colorado courtesy

If a friend transports you with gay pride
To a bar, and then joins you inside
Where some guy with ass tight
Suggests, "Let's spend the night,"
Please do not forget --- Telluride.

Friend Robin performs every summer at the Telluride Chamber Music Festival.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

2616. Jocular jism jane

A woman from 'East' Broken Bow
Is a light-hearted, pot-smokin' ho.
She fellates with a giggle
Which makes the guys wiggle,
It's known as the old jokin' blow.

Pop. 4,132 (and too small to be 'directional.')

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

2615. Bucolic backwater

Unless you enjoy cattle herdin'
There ain't many jobs found in Verden.
If you visit, talk plain
Else you'll have to explain.
The folks there don't like fancy wordin'.

Pop. 529

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

2614. Larynx hijinx

There once was a woman from Welch
Habitually, she would belch.
With a cock down her throat
She got every man's vote,

Each hoped rumbling vibes she wouldn't squelch.
Pop. 601

Monday, August 14, 2017

2613. Laid back with lassitude

In the Chickasaw town, Tishomingo,
If you want some excitement, play bingo.
Things move at a crawl,
People speak with a drawl,
Which sounds like a whole different lingo.

Pop. 3,101 and capital of the Chickasaw Nation (but HQ is now in Ada.)

Sunday, August 13, 2017

2612. Barrel first

A bitchy blonde wife down in Holdenville
Spent at least two hours daily a'scoldin' Bill.
Her much-maligned mate
One night settled her fate,
Shoved a baseball bat into her golden hill.

Pop. 5,780.  The fat part of a baseball bat is called the barrel.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

2611. Best with liver and chianti

If you dream of a great cup of java
Don't grind it from beans known as 'fava.'
Your friends will deride
If you do.  Then you'll hide
From them, wearing a wool balaclava.

I had seen that final word but only recently learned what one is.

Friday, August 11, 2017

2610. Poetic thrustus

Here's some info on Stephen Benét
From what I've heard, he wasn't gay.

Liked to cherchez les femmes
And his dick he would cram
Inside Edna St. Vincent Millay.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

2609. Chipper clipper

My hair stylist's name is René
He's always upbeat, and he's gay.
As he trims up my hair
He discusses Flaubert,
And quotes Stephen Vincent Benét.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

2608. A Delight-ful guy

He was born in the sticks and the brambles
Learned to shred a guitar into shambles
Because of this chap
Jimmy Webb's on the map,
Don't expect any other Glen Campbells.

GC died yesterday from Alzheimer's complications.  Born in Delight, Arkansas, he was 81.  Non-musicians may not understand a couple of things: 1) to "shred" a guitar is to play it amazingly fast (and well.)  2) Songwriter Webb became famous mainly due to Glen's recordings of Galveston, Wichita Lineman, and By the Time I Get to Phoenix.

2607. Getting his licks in

In the Love County Seat, Marietta,
There's a horny guy --- he's a go-getta.
Harrison's his first name,
Couldn't fuck his new flame,
And when she refused, Harry etta.

Pop. 2,707

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

2606. Schnozz with a nozzle

A Graham from the clan of Montrose
Was born with a really long nose
The fellow's proboscis
Was such a colossus
It rivaled a firefighter's hose.

Here is the Graham tartan:

Monday, August 7, 2017

2605. People artesian her about it

There once was a woman named Meggs
With a strong fishy smell 'tween her legs
She drove down to Sulphur
Let hot springs engulf 'er,
Her snatch now smells like rotten eggs.

Pop. 5,052.  A bit of history... and another.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

2604. From sack to sac

A broke coed, Jill, in Stillwater
(So, certainly, not a Phil daughter)
Sought a guy's big erection.
They used no protection;
In nine months, what broke was Jill water.

Pop. 31,254.  Home of Oklahoma State Univ.  Grahams attend OU.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

2603. Cut in the lawn

A little old lady in Shawnee
Loved guys who were tawny and brawny
When one worked in her yard
Shirtless, muscles all hard,
It caused her to say, "Well, I'll swanee!"

Pop. 31,254.   'Swan' is a southern euphemism for "swear."

Friday, August 4, 2017

2602. Blue gene babies

A Tulsa suburb known as Glenpool
Has lots of fine folks, it's no sin pool
But some intermarry,
And spawn kids quite scary
They prob'ly should deepen their kin pool.

Pop. 13K.  Title explained(?) here.
If that town sounds familiar, it's because I did a red version back in mid-March.  I'm not running out of towns, just memory.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

2601. Dry run

A young country bumpkin from Sallisaw
Came home from vacation with Dallas awe
There he'd fucked 15 whores;

The last few gave him sores
When their desiccate cunts rubbed his phallus raw.

Pop. 8,650

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

2600. Heroin experiences

Some people who live in Atoka
Sell drugs such as pot, meth, and coca
Something else you should know
Is that things move so slow
There, it's hard to live La Vida Loca.

Pop. 8,598  Illegal drugs are a major income source.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

2599. Cocky in both ways

A consummate cocksman in Carmen
Does things other men find alarmin'
To them, he's a blowhard,
To gals, if he'll grow hard
They'll find him disarmin' and charmin'.

Pop. 362

Monday, July 31, 2017

2598. Amerigo round like never before seen

Comm. Director job's never a bore
What the hell is Trump tryin' to explore?
Like Surveyor Vespucci
Off sailed Scaramucci
When John Kelly showed him the door.

2597. Happy and pain-free

A hedonist hailing from Hollis
Was a criminal, wicked and lawless.
Had too much endorphin,
Was also an orphan
Who grew up both ma-less and pa-less.

Pop. 1,974

Sunday, July 30, 2017

2596. Attacked by hardened criminals

If you're sent to the pen out in Granite
You will wish you were on a new planet.
One guy who I knew
Got his ass filled with goo
By each con and the warden who ran it.

Pop. 2,065

Saturday, July 29, 2017

2594-2595. Who's Who / Who's Next?

From DC, we've ne'er seen such affairs
Appointees keep changing in pairs
From this administration
There's always sensation
It's like watching musical chairs.

7/21, Spicer said "Bye"
Sarah Sanders was impressed, oh, my!
Scaramucci's pure sin,
Priebus out, Kelly in,
Bannon may be the next guy to fly.

2593. Not at lagerheads

A beer-loving hussy from Hennessey
Liked to go to the bar and get Guinnessey.
Whenever she drank
Her pussy, it stank
But at yeast it did not make her menacey.

Pop. 2,194

Friday, July 28, 2017

2592. 8 miles from Texas

Roger Miller was born out in Erick
Not far from an old windmill derrick.
The words of his songs
Make for great sing-alongs
Their lyrics are often hysteric.

Pop. 1091.  Here is an example of his humor.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

2591. Starting on seven

I hope you won't give a look cursory
At these verses unsafe for a nursery
You could spend day and night
Viewing all of this site
As it celebrates 6th Anniversary.

I recommend that first-time readers go to the archives along the upper-right side.  By selecting an entire month, they won't have to click Older Posts at page-bottom so often.

2590. Offendian love call

A Cherokee warrior from Bushyhead
Upon spying a squaw's lovely tushy said,
"Let me give you a hint ---
Come visit my tent
And I'll screw you all night on my cushy bed."

Pop. 1,314

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

OP444-468. Birthday banter

A witty repartee between Suzanne and myself, yesterday and today, starting with a birthday verse.  This stops being about my birthday rather quickly.  I have Suzanne's approval to post this.  Enjoy the wall of limericks!

(SH) Happy birthday there, David, be glad
One more year of great wisdom you add
And as you get older
You'll be a cardholder
Of smarts, getting bold, but not bad.

(DR - OP193, updated for yesterday)
I've spent 35 years on this earth
And I've grown a whole lot since my birth
I'm becoming more sage
As I'm adding more age
But I'm mostly just adding more girth.

(SH) That's exactly what many girls want
They don't care for a fellow who's gaunt
You're so huggable, oh!
With that teddy bear glow
So be proud of it, go ahead, flaunt!

(DR) If I do that, I may be in trouble
With the women, they may make it double
Do you want me to strut
And act like a slut
When I have a big butt, like a bubble?

(SH) You're too humble to seem like you're slutty
Because you're so darn funny and nutty!
All your clever brain cells
Will just ring all their bells
In your hands, all the gals will be putty.

(DR) If that were the case, I'd be taken
By the womenfolk, I've been forsaken
None are wanting that gig
'Cause I'm just too damn big
So I stay home and pig out on bacon.

(SH) In the boonies, what did you expect?
Hardly any girls there to select!
Oh, what a sad waste
That they're big-city based
So the odds that you're chased might be wrecked.

(DR) I suspect if I'm in a big city
Then my chances are equally shitty
I'd have zero impact
For my form won't attract
Any dates would just act out of pity

(SH) They don't all think the same, there are some
Who don't care 'bout the size of your bum
They want someone who's smart
With an awesome good heart
And you do play the part, you ain't dumb!

(DR) I know there are girls who don't tend
To dwell, to that end, on my end
But it's still not to be
With those women, you see
They think only of me as a friend.

(SH) You are judging too soon, that's a crime!
Reaching second base always takes time
So you gave up and parted
Before getting started
Up pathways uncharted, so climb!

(DR) Well, I may speak too soon, I'll admit
But so far I have not been a hit
As for running the bases
In all of my cases -
The Look on their faces. Oh Shit!

(SH) Well, you don't run the bases, just walk 'em
And you'll find nonchalance will unlock 'em
Take your time with your speed
Let the ladies just lead
And you won't even need to sweet-talk 'em

(DR) It is good advice to go slow
When making my move on them, though
Whenever I do it
They're never into it
Their answer (I knew it) is "NO!"

(SH) Please reread what I said, that should prove
You'll ace IF you don't make the first move
Here patience is key
And I do guarantee
Just do nothing and see how they groove!

(DR) Do nothing, just wait, you implore?
And they'll beat down a path to my door?
They will think I don't care
If in fact they're aware
That I even am there anymore.

(SH) You see, when a friendship gets deeper
That's when they will see you're a keeper
I know that it's true
This is just what they'll do
And they'll snuggle with you as a sleeper.

(DR) If you think this approach makes me mobbable
By the women (who'd make me quite throbbable)
Or I find just one gal
Who'll be more than a pal
Well, the chance I'll corral her - improbable.

(SH) Oh fella! You couldn't be wronger!
Patience WILL make your chances much stronger
I should know! I contain
The same female-type brain!
Trust my instincts! You'll gain and last longer!

(DR) Well, that outcome just isn't the trend's own
So I can't slam my balls in their endzone

For they don't give a fuck
I am shit out of luck
It appears I am stuck in the friendzone.

(SH) Society claims your damnation
As you follow their (each) expectation
Your own life is unique
But you're making it weak
When predicting a bleak situation.

(DR) What I say, you might think it rings hollow
My experience taught me to wallow

I am not a savant
I've a figure to haunt
This, a woman would want? I don't follow.

(SH) Not all women judge books by their covers
Especially the ones whose cute lovers
Would burn them, and shove
Them away and fake love
As a dark cloud above them still hovers

Fancy looks that would flatter soon scatter
Which the ugly inside will then shatter
So what sets them apart?
A fun brain that is smart
And a kind loving heart which do matter.

(DR) All right, then, Suzanne, I concede
I am all that a woman would need
Girls are under my hex
I am smart and complex
And a wizard at sex, it's agreed.

(SH) The Law of Attraction is clear
That the time will be coming, it's near
As your thoughts do create
Your reality. Great!
Now allow your good fate to appear.

At long last, I'm letting her have the last word.

All except the verse which was already on this blog use Suzanne's little trick with L5.

2589. Wit of the staircase

When with friends for a nice dejeuner
And you find nothing clever to say,
Just wait 'til you leave,
Then retort you'll conceive:
A case of l'esprit d'escalier.*

* To think of the perfect riposte on the staircase, having left the dinner party.

OP443. Wang slang

A prick, or a dick, or a dong
A wand, anaconda, or schlong
If it's doubly balled

Then whatever it's called
Doesn't matter, as long as it's long.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

2588. Five years? No way!

On this date in 1982
Arrived David; we're so glad he grew
To a brainy, fun fellow
With manner quite mellow
Who writes awesome limericks, too!

See more of his excellence at Dave's own site.

Wow, David!  I cannot believe how long you've been following my blog!  Looking back through its archives I discovered that you first sent me a limerick in 2012 -- four days prior to this site's 1st anniversary and two days before your 30th birthday.

Here is that initial effort and here is the one from a year later -- actually written by your sister, you say --.which first notified us of your birthday.  I posted this follow-up to it.

It's been a joy to have your support, humor, and intelligence these past five years, so keep writing and keep havin' birthdays!

OP442. Party hearty, David!

Happy birthday, and stop dillydallyin'
Party hard, jump around like a stallion
And some day you will find
A gal nuts, sweet and kind
With big boobs, nice behind, you rapscallion!

2587. Or other horsin' around...

An equestrienne living in Warner
Just couldn't be any forlorner
She's lost her sanguinity
And her virginity,
Seems riding bareback has torn 'er.

Pop. 1,619

Monday, July 24, 2017

PD312-315. Clean classics

There was a young lady of Kent,
Who admitted she knew what it meant
        When men asked her to dine,
        And plied her with wine,
She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!

There once was a man with a hernia
Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
        When you work on my middle
        Be sure you don't fiddle
With things down there that don't concern ya."

There once was a pretty young Mrs.
Whose tearful but short story thrs.
        Her mind lost its grasp -
        Now she thinks she's an asp
And just sits in the corner and hrs.

According to experts, the oyster
In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
       May frequently be
       Either he or a she
Or both, if it should be its choice ter.

Cute, but wrong.  They are in phylum Mollusca.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

2586. A fjordable care act

A Norwegian ex-pat with name 'Jorgen'
Farms a half-section outside of Forgan
He's a bachelor guy
So to help him get by,
Each evening he plays his pumped organ.

Pop. 534.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

2585. Just duet!

At the Lutheran Church, downtown Binger,
The music program's no hum-dinger

Yes, it's true, things are dire,
They have no vocal choir
Nor a bell one -- one singer, one ringer.

Pop. 656.

Friday, July 21, 2017

2582-84. Premature ejaculation

Afraid he would say something cheek'ly
A farmer boy sought advice meekly;
"Tell me what I can say
To my girl so she'll lay?"
Friend said, "You must approach it obliquely."

"Try painting your horse's tail red.
In the wagon, here's what will be said:
'Why the colorful rear?'
Conversation you'll steer
From 'butt' into going to bed."

So in hopes that he'd have him some luck,
Painted horse's ass red, hitched the buck
Board up; called for the maid,
When she asked, "Why that shade?"
He said, "Glad that you asked!  Wanna fuck?"

In old novels, "ejaculated" meant "blurted out."  Like "intercourse," it has pejorated.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

2581. It's a breeze

If you ever drove into Olustee
And got out of your car, you got dusty
Well, unless it had rained,
Still, your energy drained
From those damned prairie winds strong and gusty.

Pop. 593

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

PD310-311. The genesis for these is in Ch. 38: 8&9

Three cheers for that lusty guy, Onan --
A hero much greater than Conan.
He handled his need
By spilling his seed
But his sister-in-law was left moanin'.

Screwing Tamar, old Onan was set
To pay a prescribed family debt.
When the stud withdrew early,
He 'splained it was purely
'Cause condoms were not devised yet.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

OP441. Sent me by a new AWAD friend

I congratulated Edith Lowe from Bath, England on a great AWAD limerick she wrote a few weeks ago.  She wrote back, sending me this one.  It came to her from a friend on holiday in Northern France.
Whenever I begin to think, "I'm really good at limericks!", along comes one like this to puncture my over-inflated ego.
Ironic though now it appears
After seven or eight hundred years,
Most cases of death
'Round the time of Macbeth
Were from clubbing and Brittany spears.

Monday, July 17, 2017

2580. A big dill at one time

When haying, the chaff causes prickles
And it's hard work out swingin' those sickles
It is dangerous, too,
I know men who can't screw
Because errant blades chopped off their pickles.

Now, wasn't that inscytheful?

Sunday, July 16, 2017

2579. No giant trees either place

If you take a road trip to Sequoyah
The denizens there will enjoy ya
It's on Route Sixty-Six
Sort of out in the sticks
So I doubt if you'll think it's La Jolla.

Pop. 671

Saturday, July 15, 2017

2578. But business was really slow

A prostitute living in Wayne
Had a giant, retentive-type brain.
Besides fucking, gained fame
From the fact she could name
Ev'ry fellow with whom she had lain.

Pop. 704

2577. If music be the food of love...

A music-degreed cook in Copan
Worked best humming nocturnes by Chopin
Cooked all of her day foods
While iPod™ played etudes,
Baked biscuits sublime in her dough pan.

Pop. 741

Thursday, July 13, 2017

2576. Russian to cover up

In Trump's G20 meetin' with Putin
Charge of tampering, Vlad was refutin'.
Then Don Junior got caught
For some things that he ought
Not have done; all those fuckers need bootin'.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

2575. Lookin' for trouble

The sheriff of tiny Canute
Had a pistol he ne'er got to shoot.
Like John Wayne's pard, Yakima,
Wished he could sack him a
Nasty, law-breakin' galoot.

Pop. 539. Yak's last name had a short 'u', though.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

OP440. Getting down and dirty

I know of a fellow named Joe
Who is proud of his garden, although
His wife, she will tell us
She's really quite jealous - 
He spends all his time with his hoe.

OP439. Off the rails

Yes, I took the easy target.

There once was a man, Donald J.
In a line, as he heard a voice say,
"You are getting a brain."
What he heard, though, was "train",
So he left to get out of the way.

2574. Jewish convert?

In olden days, if a mohel clipped a knight,
The blood from dismembering dripped a night
No Superman, he,
If he got up to pee
He felt weak, as if nearby were kryptonite.

(You know a lim is lousy when ya have to show the stresses.)

Monday, July 10, 2017

2573. Sidewalk show-off

In the hillbilly hamlet of Haskell
Lived a goat roper, name of McKaskel.
He strolled Main Street posing
And sometimes exposing
His pecker, that filthy old rascal.

Pop. 1,979

Sunday, July 9, 2017

2572. Named for one of our first senators

(Who was also grandfather to Bill Clinton's V.P.)
Should you chance to go looking for Gore
It's found right on the Arkansas shore,
Just 4 miles from a lock
Built of concrete and rock
By those engineers called "Army Corps."

Pop. 954.  The McClellan-Kerr Arkansas River Navigation System runs 445 miles from Catoosa, OK to the Mississippi River.  The lock (and dam) I referenced is #16 at Webbers Falls, just upriver from Gore.
A bit of trivia: For years, Lawton's blood bank was on Gore Blvd.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

2571. What a hack.

When in need of a haircut in Garber
Not much choice; there is only one barber.
I went there and, sadly,
He chopped my hair badly
Because of it, mean thoughts I harbor.

Pop. 849

Friday, July 7, 2017

2570. Someone deux us a favor

It's the day of Trump's meetin' with Putin.
Oh, what pricks!  Neither one's worth salutin'.
I'll attract when I say,
"Both those sons-of-a-bitch deserve shootin!"

Thursday, July 6, 2017

2569. Picking your poison (banging?)

A virginal lady in Vici
Has beautiful hair and one nice eye
But her left one stays black
From each right-handed whack

From her guy; she won't fuck to make Bryce sigh.
Pop. 715

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

2568. I'll doctor my own steak, thank you

Sweet Kathryn, a gal from Paoli,
Spread her husband's filet with aioli
Which she should not have done;
She was shot by his gun,
Up 'til then he had treasured Kay wholly.

Pop. 611

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

2567. My brother provided the punch line

One Okie rep. doesn't preside 'n shine
(And he sure never followed Joe Biden's line.)
The first time he "free mailed"
With a joke he got nailed:
"The Congressman sent frank of Bridenstine."

At a town-hall-like forum before Oklahoma's 2012 congressional elections, brother Steve asked for the microphone and said, "If the Republican candidate wins in the 1st district, will a mailing to his constituents be known as 'the frank of Bridenstine'?"  According to Steve, it garnered the desired groans from the panel and audience.  Thankfully, Jim Bridenstine is now in his 3rd (and final!) term.  He's made enough scary moves.

OP435-438. Happy Birthday America!

Happy birthday there, US of A!
And make this a spectacular day
You can see we still love ya
You fit like a glove; ya
Know we'd never shove ya away!

Just remember to keep standing tall
Try forgetting events of last fall
Read the book from the shelf
That says, "Dance Like an Elf"
Go ahead, let yourself have a ball!

So now, USA, let us lock lips
After all, we are joined at the hips!
Daily trading two billion
We'll come by the million
To witness your solar eclipse.

You are two hundred plus forty-one
Don't stop partying till you are done!
And we hope you're aware
That up north here, we care
And we also do share in your fun!

Happy birthday, neighbor! And many more!

Monday, July 3, 2017

2566. Not in China or Switzerland

A handsome young roué from Canton
Was known for his wild galavantin'
Any Jane, Sue, or Carrie
He fucked on the prairie
Would always get wet and start pantin'.

Pop. 622

Sunday, July 2, 2017

2565. Caries quite a penalty

A sadistic old dentist in Billings
Enjoys both extractions and drillings
If you don't like his work
He becomes quite a jerk
And slips arsenic into your fillings.

 Pop. 508

Saturday, July 1, 2017

OP432-434. We're still young

Being a Canuck, and a privileged, occasional contributor to this site, I'm going to take the liberty of throwing in a little birthday tribute to my home and native land, north of the border. It's Canada Day! Somehow, y'all ended up in the mix (can't stay away, we're joined at the hip!), so here we go...

Well, I come from the land of Canuck
Where our loonie is really a buck
If you're getting too warm
Just come north for a storm
Being cold is the norm; you're in luck!

We Canucks love you Yankees, it's true
You are spunky, creative (weird too!)
You're all smart, so take note
(Well, except when you vote)
But we still like to dote upon you!

We think national birthdays are nifty
We spend lavishly, yet we're still thrifty
Well, the party ain't done
It has only begun
'Cause today we turn hundred and fifty!

PD302-309. But not TOO young...

You'll note that all of these begin with the same 5 words.
There was a young girl of Asturias
With a penchant for practices curious.
        She loved to bat rocks
        With her gentlemen's cocks --
A practice both rude and injurious.

There was a young girl of Cape Town
Who usually fucked with a clown
        He taught her the trick
        Of sucking his prick,
And when it went up -- she went down.

There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
        She was fucked at the show
        In the twenty-third row,
And once more going home in the taxi.

There was a young girl of Rangoon
Who was screwed by a Hindi buffoon.
    "Well, it has been great fun,"
    She remarked when he'd done,
"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."

There was a young girl from Edina,
Who shoved avians up her vagina
As much as she pleased,
'Til one day, she sneezed --
Out popped three toucans and a mynah!

There was a young girl named O'Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
        She got roars of applause
        When she kicked off her drawers,
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.

There was a young girl named Miss Randall
Who thought it beneath her to handle
    A young fellow's pole,
    So instead, her hot hole
Was contented by means of a candle.

There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
        A wad-shot rang her bell
        And she said with a yell,       
"Me give you a ding for a dong!"

Friday, June 30, 2017

2564. Cryptic plea

Home alone, eating large Belgian Waffle,
Man stuffed too much in mouth, a whole jawful.
Blocked his 'trache' and esophagus
Now needs sarcophagus.
He's become something quite offal.

(Alternative title: Coffin fit.)

Thursday, June 29, 2017

2563. Named for a Seminole Chief

A male paraplegic in Bowlegs
Wore prosthetics which acted as faux legs.
Only method he knew
Of when trying to screw
Was on back; wife would straddle with dough legs.

Pop. 403.  12 miles west is the also-tiny town of Maud.  It is often said in my hometown of Ada, "You have to go through Bowlegs to get to Maud."

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

2562. On the road to nowhere

There isn't an airport in Byars
It's a town which gets no frequent fliers.
The setting's bucolic
No one goes to frolic
If folks say they've flown there, they're liars.

Pop. 261

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

2561. How now, salchow?

A skater from tiny Bokoshe
Hoped to make the Olympics in Sochi
At the Worlds, met a Jap
Gal who gave him the clap
When she let him glide in just a sukoshi.

Pop. 493

Monday, June 26, 2017

2560. Quite a life

The Tom Mix Museum in Dewey
Celebrates him with much ballyhooey
His films, slightly violent,
Were almost all siolent
We hardly remember him, do we?

Pop. 3,812.  Of his 291 films, only 9 were "talkies."

Sunday, June 25, 2017

2559. Cleaner than my pun

On screen, a comedian ducked a pie
In the next scene a brahma bull bucked a guy
It took no acuity
To know continuity
Was needed to make that flick fructify.

That last word was an early May AWAD.  My pun was,
"I'm pregnant with triplets but I'm fructify know how it happened."

Saturday, June 24, 2017

PD300-301. Two ungodly ones

There was a young girl of Gibraltar
Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
It really seems odd
That a virtuous God
Should answer her prayers and assault her.

There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
Perceiving his error,
The Rabbi in terror
Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"

Friday, June 23, 2017

2551-2557. Bon Anniversaire to big bro

It was during the 2nd World War
The year was Nineteen Forty Four
That on June twenty-third
Your voice was first heard
And thus began musical lore.

You started piano at six
At Miss Lucas' home in the sticks
Johns Thompson and Schaum
Wrote the books dad and mom
Bought to teach you your digital licks.

At 18 you got into J.
Martin Kanin did polish your play.
You married Miss Ann,
Got your Masters, then ran
Off to teach in far west I-o-way.

Entered Queen E. and wowed the Bruxellians
By now, life with Ann brought rebellions
Thought no one could be colder,
Wed Bev, moved to Boulder,
Much later she joined with the hellions.

But first, life was lovely and blissy
Along came your only child, Chrissie.
She's the pride of your life
Too bad Bev, as a wife,
Became prone to throw fits that were hissie.

And speaking of fit, you've stayed leaner
Than most men your age, also cleaner
You don't cherchez les femmes
Any more, you found glam-
or ascending each Rocky Fourteener.

I could deftly continue to say
How much you've impressed with the way
That you've conquered each pitfall
In life, and let it fall
Aside, now enjoy your birthday!

2550. Off to the clip joint

A man hated to get hard in Coyle
For he had on his dick a large boil
Though he wasn't Jewish
Knew just what to do-ish,
He had it removed by a mohel.

Pop. 352

Thursday, June 22, 2017

2549. He should've bottom a drink first

Some bluenoses walking through Weatherford
Were offended when they altogether heard
A man say, "nice ass"
As he happened to pass.
They weren't very fond of that nether word.

Pop. 11,978

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

2548. Neologistic nickname

An AWAD e-pal challenged me and my fellow Limericks in the Time of Trump authors to rhyme the final word.  I was the only participant, so I guess mine wins!
If you're among 45's henchmen
You'd better not act like a linchpin
Lay low, that's the story
Don't steal Donald's glory
Or else you'll bring out Trumplethinskin.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

2547. Should've C'rest 'em first

A Cherokee badass in Tahlequah
Was constantly looking to foul a maw
With a load of his cum
Squirted on teeth and gum,
If he heard, "No," he might disembowel a squaw.

Pop. 16,741

Monday, June 19, 2017

2546. Gotcha, gaucha!

An Argentine cowgirl named Lola
Got a job on a spread in Pocola.
The ranch foreman said
When he found three calves dead,
"Quit ropin' them cows with that bola!"

Pop. 4K

Sunday, June 18, 2017

2545. Mine would hide like a turtle

There once was an athlete named Jake
Who swam in an ice-laden lake
Though the cold made him shudder
He used for a rudder
His lengthy and thick one-eyed snake.

OP429-431. For men only... Happy Father's Day!

With sunshine and clouds made of cotton
Not a single dad should be forgotten
So today, right on cue
I wish each one of you
Happy Father's Day, do get spoiled rotten!

Ev'ry day, there's a surefire way
To have fun, so just hear what I say:
Read each verse (fill your head)
Even those typed in red
And the archives ain't dead; come and play!

And so even if you're not a dad
Come around anyway, you'll be glad!
With no 'dad' boots to fill
You can read here at will
You've got time you can kill and be bad.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

2544. James 1: 26

Found here... (then scroll to verse 26.)
A pastor with church in Purcell
Wrecked his car, a Toyota Tercel.
When the man saw the damage
That came from the slammage
Townfolk heard that preacher curse well.

Pop. 6,370.

Friday, June 16, 2017

2543. Fit to be tied

A dumb woman in hopes of gestation
Twice per day takes her man on for meshin'
Though they fuck ev'ry chance
No bulge grows in her pants
Prob'ly due to her tubal ligation.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

2542. Recusals and refusals

The committee tried questioning Sessions
His forgetfulness left bad impressions
"Don't recall."  "Don't remember."
Those lips were not limber
And didn't make any confessions.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

2541. A spelling führer

The orange man's tweets, less than leafy,
Include May 31's weird "covfefe"
Was he spelling "kerfuffle?"
It seems that his duffel
Contains words like Mad Mag's "potzrebie."

(Apologies for the near-rhymes.  Then again, who knows how "covfefe" is pronounced?)

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

2540. Durant was due

The Warriors again won it all
Only five games to make Cleveland fall
After showing the door
To three others in four,
Had a 16-1 postseason ball!

OP426-428. A special day today

Happy birthday, you Limerick King
Who is worthy of having a fling
With the gals in your poems
Who sport double D domes
As your hands are their homes while they swing.

I'm so sorry, I'm only a C
So you'd stay far away from li'l me
But keep dreaming up rhymes
And keep ringing those chimes
To keep up the good times; it's all free!

Your humor helps hearts that feel ill
You're much better than most ev'ry pill
For whatever has ailed them
Where happiness failed them
You ought to be hailed 'Dr. Phil'!

Monday, June 12, 2017

2539. They prefer broad jumping

The smallish community, Walters,
Isn't far from
Marlow, home of vaulters.
But when local boys' poles
Become hard, their girls' holes
Become stuffed by those Walters assaulters.

Pop. 2,502

Sunday, June 11, 2017

2538. Just mescaline around

A religious-law-ignorant narco
Learned the truth when he checked Anadarko
In reports that he wrote he
Admitted peyote
Was used ev'ry night in the park, oh.

Pop. 6,717 and known as "Indian Capital of the World."

Saturday, June 10, 2017

2537. Vaht? No Vienna sausages?

A jolly old German named Otto
In the tavern would order some Cotto
Salami and beer
Consumed with great cheer --
That is until Otto got blotto.

Friday, June 9, 2017

2536. Diamonds are a boy's best friend

A gay Chinaman, Ling, from Kingfisher
Sells diamonds so he's a bling disher
To attract local queers
He wears studs in both ears,
It works, too, by making Ling swisher.

Pop. 4,865

Thursday, June 8, 2017

2523-2535. Stepping down without a frown

In this one, crimson is used when my alma mater is mentioned.

We were all caught off guard and said, "Oops!"
Stations' programming got knocked for loops
Yesterday they cut in 

And said, to our chagrin, 
The Sooners are losing Bob Stoops!

The announcement came out of the blue!
Or, in other words, only Bob knew
He was gonna step down
(But remain in the town)
He just felt 'twas the best thing to do.

The word is that he is not ill
Nor will this fall's team be less than bril'
Bob announced, "It is time,
Want to quit in my prime."
He's leaving HUGE Nikes to fill.

That task now befalls Lincoln Riley
An offensive mind thought of quite highly
On staff just two years
But no reason for fears
The plays he comes up with are wily.

Now back to Coach Stoops, let's review:
1999, he arrived new
John Blake was a dope
And the fans had lost hope
Young Bobby knew just what to do.

He moved sev'ral players around
The defense he installed was more sound
After four straight bad seasons
The fan base had reasons
To know we were on the rebound.

That first year's team won seven games
Using guys with unusual names
Like Heupel and Hybl
And Torrance.  Q'd nibble
For yards, no more dying in flames.

And then the millenium turned,
Both Nebraska and Texas we burned
Plus K-State in the middle,
This team didn't piddle
Sooner Magic had fully returned!

Undefeated, but FSU, too,
In Miami we met to see who
Would be National Champs
OU gave the 'noles cramps
Defeating them 13 to 2.

Three years in the following eight
We again played for BCS great
ness in championship game
But could not ever claim
The top prize, it was just not our fate.

For eighteen years, Bob Stoops has led us
We fans hungered for wins and he fed us
Fourteen times whipped O-State
'Horns eleven, how great!
No better coach ever did head us.

Though now gone, Bob owes fans no appeasin's
But we think we know one of the reasons...
Didn't want to forsake
Twin sons Isaac and Drake
As they each play their last high school seasons.

I could go on and on but it's tough
Rhyming verses (though not off the cuff)
But I think I'll close here,
Let's give one final cheer
For Coach Stoops.  Like you, he's had enough.

2522. Foreskin forecast

An uncircumcised fellow in Stroud
Liked to brag on his dick long and loud
"If you'll join me in bed
I will show you its head!"
He'd say, proud of what hid 'neath its shroud.

Pop. 2,767

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

2517-2521. NCAA Softball Superstars

The Florida team, the 1-seed,
On the championship took a bead
Oklahoma won last year

Played super, well past fear,
Opponents' hype they didn't heed.

Alhough OU was seeded but 10
They played great and they managed to win
Every game in Ok. City.
By showing no pity
Sent 'gator team home to its fen.

In game one, seemed no team would prevail
Seventeen innings 'fore 'gator fail.
Last batter out swinging
No fat lady singing
OU had its own Knighten*-gale.

Game two almost anti-climactic
Each coach dug down deep for a tactic
That would win them the game
Neither team deserves shame
Each played all-out and never didactic.

The 'gators were under the gun
Lose game 2 and go home, that's no fun
But for them things turned tragic
They faced "Sooner Magic"
Now twice in a row OU's won!

*Oklahoma sophomore Shay Knighten was named tournament MVP.

2516. Not at home on the range

A man who lived just outside Blanchard
Bought cattle and land where he ranchered
Really disliked the work,
Many tasks he would shirk
So a cowboy he hired and endantured.

Pop. 8,280

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

2515. Deus ex machina

An oversexed ruler despotic
Desired a contraption robotic
Had his chief engineer
Build him something quite dear;
With hands free, he is auto-erotic.

 That one evokes these two.

Monday, June 5, 2017

2514. You won't leave hungry

SE Oklahoma has long been called "Little Dixie."
"Little Dixie" is where you'll find Krebs
Home of coal miners' offspring, few debs.
Three Italian food places*
But I've seen no traces
Of flags that were flown by the rebs.

Pop. 2,053.  *This one is my favorite! 

Sunday, June 4, 2017

2513. Her "come to Jesus" moment

A Catholic cunt in Okemah
Tried a dildo; it made her a screamah
With her first-time orgasm
She saw a phantasm
And said, "Think I've met my redeemah!"

Pop 3,257

Saturday, June 3, 2017

2512. Black power

The sculptress with name Maya Lin
Was at Yale when her entry did win.
Viet Nam Vets' Memorial
Brought praises uproarial
And tears to each troop's next of kin.

I have visited twice.  It's not a rule, but no one speaks.

Friday, June 2, 2017

2511. Sleeping cutie

In a coma, the virgin lay bedfast
But her long-suff'ring boyfriend was steadfast
One day, spotted his chance;
He slipped out of his pants
And slid into her quim where he bred fast.
Seems only fitting, since a prick is what started it.
Jump to about 2:20 if you get tired of wondering...

Thursday, June 1, 2017

2508-2510. Great Golf

OU's champ of the NCAA!
How super our golfers did play
Conclusion not foregone
That we would beat Or'gon
Who'd won it the previous May.

First McGreevey and Hale each won matches
Their opponents made bogeys in batches
Which helped us a lot
But it still left the plot,
"Which teammate will batten the hatches?"

Without any need for brass knucks
My Sooners did conquer the Ducks
Though his putter got balky
Hurray for Brad Dalke
His victory brought on the yucks!

It's been a great year for OU in minor sports.
Softball -- 2016 NCAA champs and begin defense of our title tonight
Gymnastics -- 2017 NCAA champs (men and women)
Tennis -- men's doubles team won NCAA's last week
Golf -- 2017 NCAA champs

2507. Playin' with plurals

I love when hotels have firm mattresses,
In hockey you might see two hatrices,
But when it comes to blowing
And coming and going
We fellows all love good fellatrices.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

2506. Gyro scoping

Whether you are real old or a tyro
You, no doubt, say it wrong down in Spiro
I'm speaking of pita,
Taziki, lamb meat.  A
Guy whose never heard it says "Jie-ro.

Pop. 2,103.  Isn't it "year-o" or "yee-row"?

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

2505. Busch league limerick

They love drinking Bud Light in Lindsay
Bar rooms still display Spuds MacKenzie
Drinkers keep 10 or 20
On hand, usually plenty,
But if stores run out, there's a frenzy.

Pop. 2,830

Monday, May 29, 2017

2504. Coming soon at a car park near you

I've heard of a hooker from Noble
Who has wheels on her bed so it's mobile.
Pulls it 'round with her truck
Where she parks, she can fuck!
The trend she's begun may go global.

Pop. 6,747.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

2503. Turning the tide

Got her period while in the Aleutians
Used the ocean for morning ablutions
It turned the sea red
And left fish and seals dead
Bad as Exxon Valdez's pollutions.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

2502. Sleepy town down south

The citizens in Tishomingo
For excitement go out and play bingo
And when that proves a bore
They go off to the store
For the latest recording by Ringo.

Pop. 3,075 and home to Murray Junior College.  Students enjoy claiming that they go to MIT -- Murray in Tishomingo.

Friday, May 26, 2017

2501. Thought I'd pull out an old joke, too

A horny young man from The Village
Takes out ignorant dates whom he'll pillage
He uses no condom
Safe sex seems beyond 'em
Pulls out pre-ejaculate spillage.

Pop. 9.4K
Q: What do sex and savings accounts have in common?
A: Early withdrawal causes loss of interest.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

OP425. I'm still here

I really don't mean to diss May
With the lack of a limerick display

You had seemed quite concerned
That my fortunes had turned
I assure you that I am okay.

Sorry.  I go into dry spells from time to time.  I really should be posting more here. Sometimes they come a little easier to me than other times.  I guess when I go weeks or months at a time without posting, it's natural to wonder what happened.

Congrats on 2500 limericks, by the way!

2500. Onan up to it

A few months after turning pubescent
A lad learned to jack off in Crescent
He would do it at home
Mesmerized by the foam
Which shot forth in a wad effervescent.

Pop. 3,674

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

2499. The Cometh

The B.A.* lawmaker, Mike Ritze,
Has a bill which gives true Christians fitze.
He would create a panic,
Collect kids Hispanic
From schools to deport, what a ditz
* Initials for Broken Arrow -- Tulsa's largest suburb (107K)

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

2498. The decrescendo method

i.e., she hopes loud leads to soft.
Out of birth control pills in Comanche
Mid-fuck, one girl screams like a banshee
In the midst of her sin
'Fore the guy pulls the pin
She can make him deflate fast (or can she?)

Pop. 1,423

Monday, May 22, 2017

2497. 5-22-17 AWAD

It means cozy; pleasant; friendly. 
When the USSR launched its Sputnik
It destroyed any chance for gemutlich
Between Khruschev and Ike
And his V.P. alike
Who proved later to be no astute Dick.

That would be Richard Nixon.

2496. Segregation by preference

The once-thriving town known as Boley
Was founded by black people solely
Who'd been slaves to the Creek
Tribe and made to be meek
Their treatment was wholly unholy.

Pop. 1,233 and still 55% African-American.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

2495. A peer from a seer

Should you move to the small town of Coalgate
I will bet I can tell you your whole fate
You will not find a job,

Be depressed and you'll sob,
Also have trouble finding a soul mate.

Pop. 1,931, with high unemployment.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

2494. FAR, not near, rhymes

This blog's gained a reader from Estevan
It's in very far southern "Saskatchevan"
Keep coming to visit!
It makes me inquisit-
ive; Swift Current Dave, where's the rest of 'em?

Yeah, I know those rhymes suck.  Improvements welcomed!

Friday, May 19, 2017

2493. AKA round pound

A circle-jerk entrant in Drumright
Shot sideways; he just couldn't cum right.
Guy to left (wiping splatter),
"I see what's the matter,
You fool, you're not holdin' yer thumb right!"

Pop. 2,831

Thursday, May 18, 2017

2492. It does not compute

PC wouldn't 'wake' down in Idabel
So I shook it and thumped, even tried a yell
But no lights would come on
All my data was gone!
I wonder how is it I fried a Dell?

Pop. 7K

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

2491. Suppose he ever Asta if he could?

In the panhandle town of Boise City,
Lived a youngster whose toys were all shitty
At the movies it seemed
That he quite often dreamed
About sucking on Myrna Loy's titty.

Pop. 1,266

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

2490. Mid-state mendicant

There's a destitute bum down in Chandler
As a kid, he once had fever gland'lar
Guess it took his ambition
A job's not his mission
Instead he is just a panhandler.

Pop. 3,245

Monday, May 15, 2017

2489. Girls know not tumesce with him

A teenager born in Coweta
Cannot screw Nancy, Jane, or Lolita,
Due to one major thang --
"He's" transgendered.  His whang
Just stays flaccid 'cause it's a faux petah.

Pop. 9,559.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

OP424. Happy Mother's Day, ladies!

Hey, you mothers! You know what you've done
To become a mum (not quite a nun)
What a time that you've had
To enjoy being bad
But it's true that the dad had more fun!

Not sure how many 'mothers' frequent this site, or ladies, for that matter, but I think they all should! Reading limericks is a genderless source of fun; writing them, a genderless art! So give her the gift of a 'free subscription' to The Limericist, a site for sore eyes! She'll be thrilled! (I should know... I'm a woman!)

Ed. note:  It's also a site for sore thighs but regardless, Suz, I like your site-sight pun.

2488. Tough town

The criminals living in Sand Springs
Pay little attention to banned things
They trespass and speed
Some cook meth or smoke weed
Others undress and do public hand springs.

Pop. 19,783

Saturday, May 13, 2017

2487. Beggs the question, "Which girls?"

In the bucolic village of Beggs
Guys oft polish off kegs to the dregs
If they don't get too drunk
They enjoy spilling spunk
From their pegs stuck between a girl's legs.

Pop. 1,247

Friday, May 12, 2017

2486. Putting the fun in fundamentalist

The OKC suburb, Warr Acres,
Has a whole lot of Satan forsakers
They forgo too much sinning,
Spend time at soul-winning
Too bad they don't get many takers.

Pop. 10,229.  Denizens are represented by US Rep. Ernest Istook & State Rep. Sally "the homophobe" Kern.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

2485. Mouthy bitch

A hooker in small, dusty Cashion
Was known far and wide for tongue lashin'
No, not "chewin' your ass",
She did "suckin' with sass"
And made sure that each john got a ration.

Pop. 847.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

2484. 5-9-17 AWAD

While boating upon a small runnel
I spotted a tornado funnel!
Had no time to abort --
The craft listed to port
And the water rushed in o'er the gunwale.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

2482-2483. How many more straws 'til the last?

Today DJT fired Comey
Don's totally mad, perhaps foamy
At the mouth.  I beseech
The damned House to impeach
Before brain and small hands get more roamy.

Has there ever been anyone zania?
Are you fully fed up?  Does he pain 'ya?
I'm totally sated,
God never created
An ass with more megalomania.

2481. Run? I'll pass.

Troy Aikman's hometown, Henryetta,
Made that boy follow rules to the letta
Began college (OU)
Broke his leg, switched to U.
C.L.A where he played even betta.

Pop. 5,927. After Aikman broke his leg in the 4th game of the 1985 season, OU coach Barry Switzer reverted to the Wishbone offense and won that year's Nat'l. Championship.  Troy transferred & starred as a passer during his two years at UCLA (and in the pros.)

Monday, May 8, 2017

2480. Witness stand and de liver

A drunken judge out west in Shattuck
Began to have troubles hepatic
He said, "If it please
The court, I have DT's,
You may find my decisions erratic."

Pop. 1,385.  Uck... those rhymes were icky.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

2479. Was the picture grainy? On rice paper?

There once was a weird man in Poteau
Who stuffed his wife's cunt with risotto
He then sucked it out
While his friend sneaked about,
Attempting to take a great photo.

Pop. 8,732

Friday, May 5, 2017

2478. Broken Bad

A meth cook in small Eldorado
Would squeeze the stuff like it were Play-Doh™
When one batch blew up
The result was abrup'
Damage worse than an F5 tornado.

Pop. 435.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

2477. Giving a hand

Back to Okie towns for a few days...
A poor armless fellow from Boynton
Would use his erections for pointin'
If a girl wandered by
And had pity, oh my,
Ten hand strokes and she'd get an anointin'.

Pop. 246

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

2476. Steroid stupidity

A bulked-up weight lifter named Guido
Liked to strut down the beach in a Speedo
But no girl could he please
'Cause the banned PED's
That he'd taken had killed his libido.

2475. Craigslist tryst

A gay couple down in Las Cruces
Advertises for Percys and Bruces
When e'er they find a pair
Altogether they share
In rump riding, fellatio, and gooses.

2474. What a swell performance

A bulimic stripteaser named Birgid
At least three times daily regurg-ed
It kept her so lithe
That when she would writhe
The men in attendance grew turgid.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

2470-2473. Down, but not out

On yesterday morn I said, "Shoot!"
When my trusty(?) laptop went kaput
Took it in for repairs,
Man did not ease my cares
Saying, "This may cost lots of your loot."

What's worse, he said, "3 or 4 days."
And I have not employment which pays
Me, so soon as he said it
I knew that my credit
Card's balance will raise my malaise.

I suppose I could post by smart phone
But the keypad's so small, makes me groan
While it's OK for reading
Email, I'm conceding
I'm using a PC "on loan."

Yes, I've come to my local library
For a couple of hours here I'll tarry
But they're closed on Sunday
No more posts 'til Monday
So Suz and Dave, please here "make merry."

Friday, April 28, 2017

2469. How do you do 'er?

A desiccate woman in Dewar
Found her dates growing fewer and fewer
Her chances went dim
When men learned that her quim
Had closed up; they no longer could screw 'er.

Pop. 871

Thursday, April 27, 2017

2468. Why the long "i"?

A grocery shopper in Shidler
Spends much of her time as an idler
She's put lots of weight on
So cannot walk straight on
Down aisles; people call her "The Sidler."

Pop. 439.  The "i" is long 'cause that's how the man said it.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

OP423. King of Garvin Marred Ins (and Outs)

An Italian man living in Wynnewood
Had a passion for love -- any guinea would.
     But this would-be Don Juan
     Garnered giggle or yawn
Once a gal glimpsed his limp, mini, skinny wood.

This Garvin County town counted 2212 souls in the 2010 Census.
Ed. note: Poster OkieJokey wrote this but forgot his password.

2467. Anus and handy

O'Doul, a persuasive galoot,
Had a lady friend out in Canute
When her pussy was dry
He convinced her to try
His old cock up her filthy poop chute.

Pop. 541

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

2466. Mostly male visitors

A cook with no talent named Janna
Runs the only cafe found in Hanna
Her chicken and biscuits
Are drier than Triscuits™
Men come back 'cause she looks like Vanna.

Pop. 140

Monday, April 24, 2017

2465. Aaaargh

Those of you who subscribe to A.Word.A.Day know about some of the AWFUL limericks which are chosen for display by webmaster Anu Garg (who obviously lacks the scansion and rhyming genes.)

Joan Perrin used to be one of the worst offenders but has now been supplanted by 3-4 other bards who are even worse!  Still, when I saw this week (scroll nearly to the bottom of that link) that Garg had chosen to print three(!) of Joan's, I couldn't resist writing this:

There once was a poet(?) named Perrin, Joan
Her stories and complete lack of rhythm made everyone groan
Except for a guy named Anu
Who, I am guessing, Joan several times blew
Do you think if I asked he might give me the number for her phone?

2464. Overnight package

A well-endowed bastard in Blackwell
Wore nylon briefs which he did pack well
And his stock in trade
Was to take a young maid
To the local motel where they'd shack well.

Pop. 6,875

Sunday, April 23, 2017

2463. Allow me to rune your day

There's a hateful shrew-wife down in Heavener
Her husband thinks often of leavin' 'er.
But he has no spine,
Taking each gripe and whine,
For he can't bear the thought of aggrievin' 'er.

Pop. 3,422 and site of a possible Viking rune.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

2462. Skank's souvenir.

Went out with a woman from Dibble
Who told me her first name was Sybil
She'd just one persona
But caused me to moan.  A
Bad case of the clap made me dribble.

Pop. 807.

Friday, April 21, 2017

2461. Marginally less painful?

A handsome young fellow in Asher
Is reputed to be quite a masher
When a date won't put out
He does much more than pout
If she's lucky, he'll thrash 'er, not bash 'er.

Pop. 393.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

2460. Usually a man's problem

There's a long-suff'ring husband in Verdigris
And I wonder if you've ever heard o' this...
His wife has some plumbing
That's troubled by gumming
He wastes much time waiting for her t' piss.

Pop. 4,351.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

2459. Limited options

A queer in the town of Cheyenne
Is quite a pornography fan
The town is so small
He gets no dates at all
Must vicariously view man-on-man.

Pop. 815.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

2458. Profit from "The Prophet"

A journalist born in Cyril
Got his Master's degree from Medill.
For his thesis, took on
Poetry by Gibran
(The one whose first name was Kahlil.)

Pop. 1,053.

Monday, April 17, 2017

2457. Volcanic Vagina

There once was a woman named Vera
Who lived in the town of Calera
Beneath her pube patch
Lay her simmering snatch
Twice as hot as a smoking caldera.

Pop. 2,234.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

2456. Sooner songbird

Carrie Underwood hails from Checotah
And she loves eating figs called Kadota
But when it comes to dates
Her hometown hardly rates,
It's too small for a concert tour's rota.

Pop. 3,371.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

2455. What a spectacle

A near-sighted guy from Manasses
Had a whore give him cunt-lapping classes
She sat in a spot
Had him squat, tongue to twat,
But then crossed her legs, breaking his glasses.

Friday, April 14, 2017

2454. Sarin dip

Sean Spicer again made the news
His ghastly remarks brought on boos.
Said, "Adolph took a pass
Just Assad used the gas."
Tell that to six million dead Jews.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

2453. Moaning Lisa

A woman who frequents The Louvre
Buys objets d'art which don't behouvre
Her.  These souvenirs Gallic
Are always shaped phallic
And thrust in and out of her grouvre.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

2452. Gates to the city

When Oprah and Gayle went to Edmond
That booming town also got Steadman'd
If the richest man came
I'll bet you'd know his name
He's from Washington state, up near Redmond.

Pop. 90K

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

2451. Gun but not forgotten

Ms. Shay, a fellatrix from Chickasha,
Was killed by a bullet's crazed ricochet
What a shame for those young
Who'd not yet felt her tongue,
Now they'll never experience lick o' Shay.

Pop. 16.5K.

Monday, April 10, 2017

2450. Jimmy Choo will doo, too

The classiest gal in Pauls Valley
Loves shopping and she likes to sally
Forth to Gay Paree
Where she just has to see
All the latest shoe models from Bally.

Pop. 6,150

Sunday, April 9, 2017

2449. Bag from the boondocks

A nasty old whore from Bugtussle
Would wear an old-timey snug bussle.
Made her dress look like hell
But it held down the smell
Which escaped from her putrid hug muscle.

Pop. about 100 and once home to Speaker of the House Carl Albert.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

2448. Why's she slingin' hash?

There once was a man from Sapulpa
Drank fresh orange juice all in one gulp.  A
Cafe served him some
Which had seeds, left him glum.
He complained, waitress said, "Mea culpa."

Pop. 20.5K

Friday, April 7, 2017

2447. My Monroe Doctrine

In the small, quiet village of Springer
Lives a girl who's a Marilyn dead-ringer!
I am hosting an orgy
My prick will engorgey

If you think she'll fuck I say, "Bring er!"
Pop. 708.  It's ten miles north of Ardmore.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

2446. The old college cry

A young college student, McGregor,
Was told by his girlfriend, "I'm pregger."
When he heard the news
It gave him the blues
So he went and got drunk at a kegger.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

PD296-299. Oldies but goodies

There was a young lady from Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light
        She went out one day
        In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.

There was a young girl from Peru,
Who noticed her lovers were few
        So she walked out her door
        With a fig leaf, no more,
And now she's in bed - with the flu.

There was a young fellow named Hatch
Who was fond of the music of Bach
        He said: "It's not fussy
        Like Brahms and Debussy;
Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."

There was a young belle of old Natchez
Whose garments were always in patchez
        When comment arose
        On the state of her clothes
She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

2445. Gateway to Grand Lake

I learned to eat pussy in Grove
She wanted me to, so I strove
To not mind the smell
But I found it was swell,
She had scented her snapper with clove!

Pop. 6,623

Monday, April 3, 2017

2444. Strong brush (off) stroke

A nerdy art student in Fletcher
Aspired to become a skin sketcher
Asked the homecoming queen
To be in a nude scene
And they carried him off on a stretcher.

Pop. 1,170

Sunday, April 2, 2017

2443. Full of Joey

When fucking is graded in Stilwell
Young super-hung Joseph rates real well
A gal there named Marge
Has a twat that's so large
It requires Joey's pecker to fill well.

Pop. 4,017 and home of Stilwell Frozen Foods (great strawberries!)

Saturday, April 1, 2017

2442. Social (media) disease

A President ought to be stately,
Not tweeting, but acting sedately.
When Trump says things treasonous,
That's one big reason us
Democrats hate him so greatly.

OP419-422. It happened in 1959

This is a true story, folks. Don't believe me? Ask my mum!

When my sister (the eldest) was born,
From the birth my poor mother was worn.
Doctor spanked the babe's bum,
Checked her health, and then some --
Got returned to her mum the same morn.

When she lifted the blanket to feed her,
The feelings of shock did stampede her;
A boy was inside!
My poor mum almost died,
As the nurses had tried to mislead her.

The confusion and screams that would follow
Were much more than the woman could swallow.
The real babe they did bring
To which Momma did cling,
Their apologies ringing quite hollow.

Well, my mum and the nurses conversed,
Then in laughter together immersed;
Any punishment draped
On the nurses escaped
'Cause that day -- it was April the first!

Friday, March 31, 2017

2441. Wow, civic sagas

If you'd like a town's spelling that's rare, a
Good one you might start with is Harrah
Just like Ada, it's great
Because it, too, does rate
As a palindrome, but do you care, huh?

Pop. 5,095 (and note each word in my title...)

Thursday, March 30, 2017

2440. Clitical approach

An old cunnilinguist in Cache
Loves the taste, still performs with panache
He ate his first cunt
As a late-teen aged runt
And e'er since hasn't washed his mustache.

Pop. 2,906.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

2439. Cherokee chump change

There's a Hard Rock Hotel™ in Catoosa
With casino (the slots could be loosa)
When I go there and win
Gives my face a big grin
And I hum 'long to John Philip Sousa.

Pop. 7,151

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

2436-2438. Trashed by Trump

If in Beverly Hills, go to Spago
Try Bavette's Bar and Bœuf in Chicago
But for your non-food taste
I'd suggest, "Don't make haste
To see formerly fine Mar-a-Lago."

Built by Marjorie Merr'wether Post
(Who was rich but did not brag or boast.)
Now The Donald is struttin'
Down where E.F. Hutton
Joined Marge as a consummate host.

It's a playground for Trump and his cronies
To play golf and admire polo ponies
What they do in Palm Beach
Might be grounds to impeach
At a minimum, though, they're all phonies.

Ms. Post (middle name Merriwether) became the richest US woman after inheriting Post Cereals in 1914.  Her 2nd marriage in 1920 was to stock broker EF Hutton and together, they built Mar-a-Lago.  Their daughter, Nedenia, became actress Dina Merrill.

Monday, March 27, 2017

2435. Expensive turndown

If you're lookin' for poontang in Pryor
Good luck with Annette should you try 'er
Claimed she was a virgin
Talked me into splurgin'
On dinner, then had no desire.

Pop. 9,500  Real name is "Pryor Creek", but no one much says it.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

2434. Chickasaw Chuckle

Though it's tiny, don't make fun of Roff,
As you pass thru, your hat you should doff
I doubt that you care
That my dad grew up there
But 'twould please me if you wouldn't scoff.

Pop. 727.  Three miles NE of town is the entrance to Oklahoma's Chickasaw Turnpike.  It costs 55¢ to drive 13.3 miles of TWO-LANE ROAD!!  What were they thinking?

Saturday, March 25, 2017

2433. Horsin' around

A wide spot in the road named Vamoosa
Sports a guy who's a lollapaloosa
Its female pop'lation
Loves his copulation
He's hung like a damned appaloosa!

Pop. perhaps 50

Friday, March 24, 2017

2432. High plains HQ

The panhandle town known as Guymon
Does not lend itself much to rhymin'
So to make this one crass
I will add "tits" and "ass"
And then throw in a gal's busted hymen.

Pop. 11,442, it's about dead-center in the OK panhandle.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

2431. C'mon, all anon.

This blog has a reader from Italy 
My StatCounter™ spies him quite prettily 
Wish new readers would write
After finding this site
I'll just hope you're the Pope
(Walter Mittily.)
Other regular-but-unknown readers are from Portugal, Germany, and Mountain View, CA.  My email address is shown in the banner atop each page and I really do enjoy hearing from visitors.  Oh, and Walter Mitty was a Thurber character who daydreamed that he was various heroic characters.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

2430. SOL from no MMR

MMR vaccinates against measles-mumps-rubella.
A boy in the burg of Tecumseh
Came down with a case of the mumps.  He
had missed the vaccine
'Cause his parents were mean
Now his cheeks display gigantic lumps, see?

Pop. 6,457. 

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

2429. My turn!

A hooker who lived in Newcastle
Sometimes took on johns by the passel
Three at once could insert,
Others risked getting hurt;
To decide who was next, they would wrassle.

Pop. 7,685.  That's how 'wrestle' is said 'round here.

OP418. Oh, the nerve!

At a pool, where the D-cups are brimmin'
The men cannot focus on swimmin'
As they ogle each bust,
Something grows and they lust
Behind speedos, disgusting the women.

Suz, here's a follow-up from your host, The Limericist:
A burka's not meant to be slimmin'
When worn, men's libidos start dimmin'
Whether A-cup or D
Men do not get to see.
(Suzanne's lim'rick can't take place in Yemen.)