Monday, June 30, 2014

1382. Beat (Texas)

A tunesmith from old Waxahachie
Came up with a song that was cachie
Underlain by the thrum
Of a big conga drum

It appealed to Cheyenne and Apachie.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

1381. Spreading more Frog's legs

This makes three in a row with French cities.  Call me a FrancoPhil.
While trav'ling from Nantes clear to Nancy
An Orleans girl caugh
t my fancy
I screwed the young maid
On the ground in a glade
In broad daylight!  Exciting, but chancy.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

1380. This isn't Nice (or Cannes)

A gal in Marseilles looked askance
When a man asked to get in her pants
The fact ineluctable?
She was not fuctable
(Unlike most women in France.)

Friday, June 27, 2014

1379. In need of a doctor. (Pepper.)

There once was a drunk from Le Havre
Who ordered all dishes au poivre
The rummy was dumb, he
Destroyed his poor tummy
By trying too hard to be suavre.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

1376-1378. Rhythm method (lack thereof)

There once was a man from Nepal
Who, sadly, had only one ball
This screwed up his meter
When using his peter --
He fathered no offspring at all.

Because of this hitch in his gait
He could never put sperm in his mate
As he fucked her, his jerkiness
Wasn't just quirkiness,
Poor fellow never shot straight!

Each time he would reach paroxysm
He'd splatter the wrong spot with jism
Sometimes wall, sometimes sheets,
All these constant defeats
Caused his marriage to wind up in schism.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

1375. Oh, poo!

I know an expression that's cool,
To be said as you head to the stool.
It's a little verbose
And most gals find it gross,
"Gonna drop the kids off at the pool."

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

1374. Joys in the hood

Want to make a girl come?  Well, it's simple
First, find what feels like a big pimple
It's above where she pisses
Stroke, flick, give it kisses
Done right, it should make her cheeks dimple.

Monday, June 23, 2014

1371-1373. Many happy returns of the day*

Frère Larry's turned three score and ten!
Somehow, he's remained really thin
It must be his diet
(Though I'll never try it)
I'm sure it does not include gin.

While I sit at home with my rhyming
He'll probably go out rock climbing
But, hey!  It's your day,
Spend it any old way
With activities you find subliming.

Of stanzas, you ought have another
So here goes, you wonderful brother --
When it comes to men
I could have as my kin
I can't think of any I'd ruther.

* First learned c. 1950 on the radio show, "Big John and Sparkie."

Sunday, June 22, 2014

1370. Naples' sightseeing staples

A dandy who dressed very dapp'ry
Took his young Latin lover to Capri.
They drove in an auto
To see The Blue Grotto
And drowned.  (That's enough of this yapp'ry.)

Italians pronounce it CAP-ree (actually, CAHP-ree) so why do we say ca-PREE?

Saturday, June 21, 2014

1369. It's gonna be a long day

If you visit, don't bring any voles t'us
'Twould be like bringing Newcastle coals t'us,
Ev'ry June (it's not nice)
We get hundreds of mice
Starting just about now -- Summer Solstice.

Friday, June 20, 2014

1368. Spare me

After taking his girl out to bowl
A fellow revealed his long pole.
It caused her to mutter
When he 'threw a gutter'
And stuck his pole in the wrong hole.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

1367. Not bright on the right

A talk show host, Sean Patrick Hannity,
Says things that reveal his insanity
He loved Jerry Falwell
(I think each would maul well)
While beating them, I'd use profanity.

Preacher Falwell died in 2007.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

PD145-150. Monstrosities

There once was a man named McNameter
Who was blessed with both length and diameter 

Now it wasn't his size
That gave girls surprise
But his rhythm: iambic pentameter

A young man maintained that his trigger
Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
But this long and thick pud
Was so heavy it could
Scarcely lift up its head.  It lacked vigor.

A newlywed bride, Mrs. Young,
Asked the doctor to fix her torn lung.
When asked how it ripped
She replied as she stripped,
"That man who I married is hung".

Said a thoughtful young stud from Brasilia
"One orgasm spasm will fill ya
I'll just let the rest
Gush out on your chest
If I shot it inside, it'd kill ya!

Viagra, to which I'm addicted,
Works better by far, than depicted.
It's gone from quite limp
To as big as a blimp
Which is more than my unaided dick did.

There once was a man from Far Rockaway
Who could skizzle a broad from a block away.
Once while taking a fuck,
Along came a truck
And knocked both his balls and his cock away.

Monday, June 16, 2014

1366. Next idea -- buggy repair

There once was a workman named Leon
Who repaired only signs which used neon
His small fixit shop
Was, of course, a huge flop
Leaving Leon to live as a peon.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

1365. A Hana lulu

When her door opened after some knocks
Jack Lord gave the suspect two shocks
Just before "Book 'em, Danno!"
He spied her piano
And said, "Hey, may I bang your box?"

It's really not a dirty question.  Check THIS SONG from 1954.  Also, Hana (in my title) is on Maui.  I'm told the TV show, "Hawaii 50", took place on Oahu.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

1364. Is this just a Tulsa phenomenon?

Why is it that car dealers can't
Advertise on TV without rant?
They use blondes as shills
Never Jacks, always Jills,
But the girls make me puke 'stead of pant.

Friday, June 13, 2014

1363. Beer and brats?

Last night I attended a beer tasting at the downtown Tulsa location of Oklahoma's top purveyor of beers, James E. McNellie's Public House, which offers over 350 brews.  The Tulsa beermeister, Tony Collins, did a great comparative tasting of UK vs. US ales/porters/stouts for our thirsty group of five fine fellows.
A Tulsa roué, Tony Collins,
Is an expert on beers, also ballin’s.
The asses and bellies
He’s stroked at McNellie’s
Have made him known clear to New Awlins!

Thursday, June 12, 2014

1362. Elegy for an LG

Our TV set's gone on the blink
Just 18 months old, you would think
That the thing would have lasted
Much longer.  This blasted
Flat screen may get thrown in the drink!

1361. Atlantic bight (bite?)

Have you seen a map of Benin?
Its shape is a wee bit obscene
From the looks of the shaft
The moyel was daft,
Either that, or the guy was just mean.

I've heard it said that moyels work only for tips...

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

1360. 300 miles to go

We're spending tonight in Memphis.  Tomorrow we'll drive 400 miles to Tulsa but thankfully, only about 300 on this Interstate Highway!
I arrived today at this deduction:
I-40 has too much construction.
Drove in rain, tons of trucks,
I screamed out lots of "Fuck!"s
Think I'd rather have had bowel obstruction.

Monday, June 9, 2014

1359. Cozy in North Carolina

It's been a long day, we're in crashville
At a Quality Inn here in Asheville
If these pillows will tilt more
We'll sleep, then tour Biltmore
'Fore heading for Tulsa thru Nashville.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

1358. Clay pigeon

Over Djokovic there lies a pall
He can't win the French Open at all
When put to the test
He comes out second best,
Nine times it's been won by Nadal.

1357. Refinements needed?

This blog of mine's not well-designed
And its name makes it too hard to find.
Although some rhymes are clean
(Mixed in with the obscene)
Among friends it has been much maligned.

To which I say, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a (dirty) joke."

Saturday, June 7, 2014

1356. Desperately shreiking, no excusin'

Sharapova hits hard like a boy
Roland Garros today was her toy.
Why is it this cunt
Thinks each shot needs a grunt?
They don't help her, they simply annoy.

I watched the entire match with the sound on 'mute.'

1355. How to make a woman scream twice

If your wife wants sex rough like a rape
Fuck her ass, grab her neck by the nape
And to make her scream twice
Use this extra device:
When done, wipe your dick on the drape.

Friday, June 6, 2014

1354. Blightier than the sword

An acid-tongued woman named Harkey
Had a manner of speech rough and snarky
Besides taking pot-shots
She'd throw out these what-nots
Which turned out to be all malarkey.

OP152. A-flatus

There once was a man from Jakarta
Who was known as a terrible farta
Every burst of methane
Was loudly profane
And the stink, no one wanted a parta.

OP151. The good ones are either taken or gay...

There once was a woman named Kate
Who I thought I'd ask out on a date
But I failed on that front
'Cause she's crazy for cunt
So I went home to masturbate.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

1353. Vermonted, undaunted

There once was a woman named Celia
Who passed away up in Montpelia
Her husband, the coroner,

Did cry and did moroner
But had one last fuck -- necrophilia!

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

1352. Smitten

We're down here in South Carolina
With granddaughter Nora, none fina.
She's now one week old:
If I may be so bold,
God ne'er made a child who's divina.

Doubtless every grandparent feels this way.  Still...

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

1350-1351. What size sin?

A rascal with elephantiasis
Screwed all of the nuns in the diocese
These acts so ulterior
Made Mother Superior
Say, "You've removed one of my biases!"

The rascal replied, "You're most genial
To take on my large organ penial.
And now that it's in
Thanks for saying my sin
Isn't mortal, it's only just venial."