Sunday, May 31, 2015

1716. Dead... Ringer's

Ms. Fern is a registered nurse
If she cares for you, better not curse
Or this RN might slip
Something into your drip
To insure that you leave in a hearse.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

1715. Opening Pandora

A virgin, while out on a date,
Indicated she'd finally mate
Once the guy breached her cavity
It brought on depravity
Her sex drive she now cannot sate.

Friday, May 29, 2015

1714. Vile viol lesson

From my teacher I got a tongue lashin':
"Why is it you play with no passion?"
I put down my fiddle
And right there did diddle
Her in a crescendoing fashion.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

1713. Just offal

I sit and I stare at my set
Thinking, "Just how much worse can shows get?"
The plots are all weak
And the actors all reek
At least I've not vomited.... yet.

My last complaint about this was #1397 last July.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

1712. Near rhyme

Our language of English is mussy
Words can drive poets crazy and fussy

This damned lim'rick won't rhyme
With that place so sublime
I'm referring, of course, to a pussy.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

1711. Passionate intensity

Click her name for a short bio and a few poems.
A Canadian poet named Stitt
Is possessed of a magical wit
No “hi ho the derry o”
From up in Ontario
Her verses yield both grins and grit.

Monday, May 25, 2015

1710. It's a stretch

There once was an Irishman, Denny,
Whose peter was long but was skinny
And when it got hard
It would reach half a yard(!)
That's the record for County Kilkenny.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

1709. No laughing matter

An erstwhile teenager named Clive
Ignored warnings, "Do not text and drive!"
If my use of 'erstwhile'
Hasn't brought a wry smile
It means "former."  He's now not alive.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

1708. Call to the call-girl service

If my escorts are skinny, I chucks 'em
I'm partial to only the buxom
So if it won't trouble ya
Send just BBW
They have to have curves when I fucks 'em.

Friday, May 22, 2015

1707. I'm a grammar Nazi

If you say, "Just between you and I"
Well it might make me spit in your eye
It sticks in my craw
Like Je ne sais quoi
Use objective case!  Don't make me cry.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

1706. It was a fur piece

I once screwed a woman in Butte
I was drunk and she looked sorta cute
She had hair on her tits
And did not shave her pits
I'd bet Sasquatch is not as hirsute.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

1705. Lemme 'cue you in

I love me some good barbecue
Washed down with an icy cold brew
When it's cooked low and slow
So the juices all flow
There's no meat I like better, it's true!

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

PD194-199. You go, girls

As the elevator left our floor
Big Sue caught her chest in the door
She yelled a good deal,
But if they had been real
She’d have hollered consid'rably more.

The hygienic young miss from out west
Asked the cowboy who sat on her chest,
"Will cum cause decay?"
"No, ma'am.  I've heard say
It's the secret ingredient of Crest."

Said oul Kate to her crock of a kettle,
"Sure, you're not in the finest of fettle,
But your spout isn't slack
Like my poor husband Jack
Pity his wasn't made out of metal!"

There was a young lady named Alice
Who peed in a Catholic chalice
The Padre agreed
It was done out of need
And not out of Protestant malice.

A businesslike harlot named Draper
Once tried an unusual caper
What made it so nice
Was you got it half-price
If you brought in her ad from the paper.

There once was a woman from France
Who got on the bus in a trance
Six passengers fucked her
Besides the conductor
And the driver shot twice in his pants.

Monday, May 18, 2015

1704. Can't spell bewildering without 'wild'

A professional golfer named Phil*
Hits his ball over valley and hill
Into forests and lakes
And in sand traps with rakes
People watch him because he's a thrill.

*Mickelson, not Graham.  I'm only an amateur.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

1703. Fire in the hole

A lesbian lady named Laura
Licks twats like they did in Gomorrah
If God rains down more fire
Things could get rather dire
As in Chapter 19 of the Torah.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

1702. Inbread tastes

I love to chow down on a Reuben,
A hoagie or maybe a Cuban
And when choosing a drink
I decidedly think
Each goes well with a pale ale for lubin'.

Friday, May 15, 2015

1701. BIG braggart

A man spent his waking hours bragging
About all of the girls he was shagging
Claimed, "I try to get blown
But the sluts moan and groan
As my dick's so big, it causes gagging."

Thursday, May 14, 2015

1700. Bummer

I cancelled my trip on the train
Amtrak: "Tracks are unsafe -- too much rain."
They'd have sent us by bus
But I felt, "Too much fuss"
Gonna miss my reunion, what pain!

No train travel between OKC and San Antonio until "the subsoil is safe."  Was all set to see my USAF buddies from 50 years ago.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

1699. Semper fie on you

Marines like to say, "We're the leanes'
The roughest, the toughest, the meanes'"
They say 'rifle,' not 'gun'
Is for fightin', not fun,
The shorter word's slang for a penis.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

1698. Wave goodbye

There's a once-super hoopster named Kobe
Whose ancestors came from Nairobi
He plays for L.A.;
Santa Monica Bay
Is where he likes to surf on his Hobie.

Monday, May 11, 2015

1697. Swallowing a 'trolled substance

There once was a dirty old dwarf
Who would beat his meat under a wharf
The king's daughter came 'long,
Gave a suck on his dong,
And into a prince he did morph!

Sunday, May 10, 2015

1696. Ego boost

I just won "Email of the Week"
At AWAD, click here for a peek
I admit, I am proud
To stand out from the crowd
But a lot of the entries were bleak.

You'll see the 5 words of the week at top right at the website.
Scroll nearly to the bottom to find my punny submission.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

1695. Bum luck

A versatile thing is the asshole
It's the get-rid-of-shit-and-of-gas hole
And if you are queer
Then another guy's rear
Is an apt substitute for a lass hole.

Friday, May 8, 2015

1694. That ball was hammered!

I've lost my competitive edge
On the golf course I suck with a wedge.
On the greens I'm so meek
And my stroke is so weak
That perhaps I should putt with a sledge.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

1693. Putting a damper on things

There once was a woman named Sybil
With lips that men wanted to nibble
One toothless old geezer
Attempted to please her
But left her chin wet with his dribble.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

1692. Oh, shoot!

There once was a fellow named Hopper
Whose plans to have kids came a cropper
Orgasms were meek
Not a shot, more a leak
The amount wouldn't fill an eye dropper.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

1691. Both are guilty

Unrest has subsided in Balt'more
Which group do you think we should fault more?
The cops who break backs
Or the rioting blacks?
We must hope neither one will assault more.

Monday, May 4, 2015

1690. The more, the hairier

At a famed hotel in the French Quarter
Two faggots tried finding a porter
Not to carry their bags
But to join in their shags
And thus play at a gay 3-way, sorta...

Sunday, May 3, 2015

1689. The treasure's ben gunn a while

An English sea captain named Smollett
Took a sextant and whatchamacallit
On the Hispaniola
To search for payola
With Flint's map, then filled up his wallet.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

1688. You May 2nd this one

Born this date: Donatella Versace
‘Twas in Italy where they play Bocce
She’s had so much Botox
Her lips look full of rocks
But she fucks at a pace that’s vivace.

Friday, May 1, 2015

1687. Gone 'Gator

The Thunder's new coach is named Billy
Never coached in the pros, could be silly
To think he'll adjust
And not turn out a bust
Mr. Donovan, please be a dilly...