Tuesday, June 30, 2015

1746. I'm duned to hell for this one

A thalidomide baby named Leach
Now grown, would like sex at the beach
He could sit in the sand
And do it by hand
But his grasp is exceeding his reach.

Now don't get all up in arms...

Monday, June 29, 2015

1745. Strike the colors.... down!

Do not call for a vote at the polls
On that symbol of pride just to trolls
For although quite inveterate
It's time that Confederate

Flags were retired from all poles.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

1744. Turn your head and cough.

A testicular doctor named Dahl
Kept a very odd chart on his wall
Each month, set a quota
Of how many scrota

He'd squeeze which had only one ball.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

1743. Doubt you'll drool at this one

Bored with puppies, Pavlov felt the call
To condition a good-looking moll
Made her sob ev'ry time
That the church tower would chime
So he called it "the bell of the bawl."

Friday, June 26, 2015

1742. Clip off the old cock

A gentile who longed to be Zionist
Told the rabbi, "I'm clipped."  (He's the lyin'est.)
For he thought it was silly
To trim up his willie
And have those Jews learn he's the cryin'est.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

1741. Another hat in the ring

I was hoping their numbers would dwindle
(GOP hopefuls) Now here comes Jindal
Ev'ry son of a bitch
Will sign up if he's rich
We could use one who carries a bindle.

Hobo with a bindlestick

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

1740. The new NAACP*

To enhance her delusional spoof
She frizzed up the hair on her roof
That weird Rachel Dolezal
Has come out and tol' us all
She's black, without one ounce of proof.

*Needs An Appointment with Competent Psychiatrist

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

1739. Apologies to Armstrong

As she let her dog lap at her cunt
A woman would breathlessly grunt,
 "The Beagle has landed!"
I think, to be candid,
She should have been filmed by A. Funt.

Allen Funt invented and produced the TV show, "Candid Camera."

Monday, June 22, 2015

1738. Newton's 1st Law*

When invited by wife to go trudgin'
Round the block, I say, "No, I ain't budgin'!"
For this grumpy fat man
Likes to sit on his can
No wonder she calls me, "curmudgeon."


Sunday, June 21, 2015

1737. The rhythm method?

There was a jazz drummer named Sam
Who'd diddle his wife's bearded clam
After gigs, he would bing-bang
Her box with his ying-yang
Then finish her off with a flam.

Diddles and flams are rudimentary strokes in drumming.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

1736. Kitchen bitchin'

My wife said she'd bake a big biscuit
Made the batter and asked, "Would you whisk it?"
Thought she meant, "Add some scotch"
So her mix I did botch

Next time she wants some help, doubt she'll risk it.

Friday, June 19, 2015

1735. An extra bulging muscle

As fellows grow old it's a must
That they need to go slow when they lust
Because if they keep doing
Much athletic screwing
They'll rupture and have to be trussed.

This one and #1733 are my entries in a limerick contest this week in which the word 'trust' (or a homophone of it) must be rhymed.  Last week I received an honorable mention with #1728 when the word was "pad."

Thursday, June 18, 2015

1734. Please don't tease

When I'm out with a girl, my old pecker
Begins swelling when I start to neck 'er
But if she won't screw
And my balls become blue
Lemme tell ya, I sure want to deck 'er.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

OP171. Oh, the humanity!

There once was a fellow named Anibal
Who was known as a ravenous cannibal
Be they short, be they tall
He'd devour them all
But never a non-human animal.

1733. Going downhill fast(er)

A ski racer you couldn't trust
Would consume pork and beans 'fore he shussed.
And to go a bit faster
He'd use his ass blaster
And gain MPH from each gust.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

1732. Good place for crabs, too

It's time I repeated a story tol'
'Bout a Maryland man and a glory hole
While out with a floozie
He pounded her coozie
And sucked on her Baltimore areole.

(Actually 'areola,' but it didn't rhyme.)

Monday, June 15, 2015

1731. Quite a guy

Looks and acting kept box office boomin'
When racing, was kind to each crewman
Even sold salad dressing
By now you're not guessing
I've written this verse for Paul Newman.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

1730. Hope you hee haw

On a trail drive, a donkey did pass
'Pokes were hungry and though it seemed crass
They butchered that burro
(The cooking was thorough)
And each had a great piece of ass.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

OP 170. Happy Birthday to "The Limericist"!

Phil’s a baby boom “freshman” whose turf
Has been trod by Lear, Legman and Cerf.
        It’s a fact that this day
        He’s achieved, in a way,
His prized goal since teen years – soixante-neuf.

1729. Can't judge a hook by its cover

A man went out looking for beaver
So horny he ran up a fever
Picked one up in his car
Found a motel not far

Where he found 'she' was one gay deceiver.
(And it didn't en-Jenner happy feelings...)

Friday, June 12, 2015

1728. Short and short of cash

A fam'ly of dwarves was quite glad
To be told a developer had
Built a home for them, small,
Rent was nothing at all!
It was called "The Stay Free Mini Pad."

Thursday, June 11, 2015

OP167-169. It comes in spurts

I am sorry I haven't been here
I've been watching, but did not appear
For my vocab seems vexed
When the subject is sex
I've arrived, though too sparsely, I fear.

Whether this means I'll write many more
And again be a limerick whore
We will just wait and see
If the impulse hits me
And I'm rarin' to go, as before.

Oh, I still have a limerick fetish
Which turns old ladies' cheeks rather reddish

And it's getting a rise
Out of some of the guys
While it's making the young women wettish.

1727. Payback (she touted mine)

You must visit Madeleine Kane
Her humor website is insane
She's ever so clever
I can't match her, never!
(Be sure to show up with your brain.)

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

1726. She says, "Ashanti return."

An erstwhile explorer named Donna
Got raped by an ape down in Ghana
Then it stuffed in her ass
Strands of long jungle grass
(She no longer likes flora and fauna.)

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

1725. Picky eater

There once was a lady named Barrett
Whose pet was an Amazon parrot
And out of its beak
It would cuss a blue streak
Unless fed unshelled walnuts and carrot.

Monday, June 8, 2015

1724. Lake breaking news

A woman from Cleveland named Leary
Would bathe to feel clean, fresh and cheery
Her daily ablution
Would bring on pollution
She also crapped there in Lake Erie!

Sunday, June 7, 2015

1723. And who gives it?

The announcers for NBA's show
Have great seats on the very first row

But what can it be
Which allows them to see
That a player's "in need of a blow?"

Saturday, June 6, 2015

1722. Frustrating

When you can't find a word, it's just criminal
'Cause you know it's in there, but subliminal
Synonym for 'inaugural'
I've put in this doggerel
An adjective like it is "seminal."

Friday, June 5, 2015

1721. Low Tyre pressure

A Lebanese lecher named Massad
On his pecker spilled battery acid
Now trysts with his peenie
Are totally fini

H2SO4 left him flaccid.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

1720. Castro fate to the wind

Raul turned 84 yesterday.  Fidel is 88.
A Miami man, raised in Havana,
Wore peasant shirts and a bandana
He'd play on the tuba
While dreaming of Cuba
And list'ning to Carlos Santana.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

1719. Miner distraction

A prospector who'd struck it rich
Sought the local whorehouse for his itch
Stated, "Ma'am, to be blunt
What I want is a cunt
Old or young, fat or thin, don't care which."

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

1718. Everybody wants ta get into da act*

Republicans hardly of note
Are declaring for POTUS by rote
If a few don't hang back
From taking a crack
Each guy will get only one vote!

As of this date, there are 26(!) declared GOP candidates:  Skip Andrews, Michael Bickelmeyer, Kerry Bowers, Jeb Bush, Dr. Ben Carson, Dale Christensen, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, John Dummett, Jr., Mark Everson, Carly Fiorina, Lindsey Graham, Chris Hill, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, Michael Kinlaw, Dennis Michael Lynch, George Pataki, Rand Paul, Rick Perry, Michael Petyo, Marco Rubio, Brian Russell, Rick Santorum, Donald Trump, Scott Walker

* Comedian Jimmy Durante often said it.

Monday, June 1, 2015

1717. 4 hours? I'd settle for 4 minutes.

I am no longer able to screw
Perhaps I should call Dr. Drew
My old tallywhacker
Has never been slacker
It's time for the pills that are blue.