Tuesday, March 31, 2015

1660. Pustulence

There once was a fellow named Doyle
Whose pecker had quite a large boil
He was too scared to pop it;
Decided to lop it

So searched Yellow Pages for "mohel."

Monday, March 30, 2015

1659. Queen of the road

I describe my wife's driving as "swervious"
It's worst when the highway is curvious
She will soon have a shake up
While putting on make up
I criticize but she's impervious.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

1658. Interesting idiom

Today I was eating some chow
Where I chanced to run into a sow
I'd once dated.  She said,
"Hey!  Last week I saw Fred!"
"Oh, really?  Well, wha'd he allow?"

That is a southern colloquialism that's rarely heard nowadays (so is 'nowadays,' I suppose.)  Today we might say, "What did he have to say?"  You may remember that Mark Twain often described what had been said with, "He 'lowed as how..."  As a child, I pronounced it 'lo' and wondered what it meant. 

Saturday, March 28, 2015

1657. Catwoman (Pussywoman?)

That fine-looking actress named Berry
Is one with whom I'd like to tarry
When I think of Halle
And her furry valley
Hell, I just might ask her to marry.

Friday, March 27, 2015

1656. Backdoor play

When you ask, "May I go up your anus?"
Some girls say, "We're afraid it will pain us."
But although they demur
These acts still occur
And let's face it, they are rather heinous.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

1655. Libel to get sued

My family’s needing a shamus
To locate the damned ignoramus
Who put in a tweet
All our names and our street
Saying things that did tend to defame us.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

1654. Subway stop (up)

A gal had strange glands in her liver
And grew tits which made horny men quiver
The size of one boob
Could close off a train tube
Using both, she could dam up a river!

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

1653. Sassy saleswoman

A woman who worked as a Realtor®
Had a brain which was lacking a filter
She spoke with defiance
To one of her clients
Which made him so mad that he kilt 'er.

While this is a clean limerick, its L3 & L4 rhyme came from a Spoonerism joke:
Q: What's the difference between a rooster and a shyster lawyer?
A: The rooster clucks defiance...

Monday, March 23, 2015

1652. I suppose it's a relative term

A well-hung old native of Chad
Really knew how to make his wife glad
That geezer would squeeze her
And tease her and please her
By slipping it in just a tad.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

1651. Another geo-cretin

There once was a woman named Nora
Who went off to visit Andorra
She was taken to task
When she asked of a Basque,
"Is this where they say, 'Faith and Begorrah'?"

Saturday, March 21, 2015

1650. The dreaded drizzlies

A food-poisoned person named Potter
Had bowel movements viscous as water
One prat splat he shat
Could have filled a large hat
And his forehead had never felt hotter.

Friday, March 20, 2015

OP165. Peter: Paul's all-men joy?

It is written the man Saul of Tarsus
On Damascus's road had catharsis.
     Scholars ponder afresh
     That Paul's "thorn in the flesh"*
Was confession he favored male arses.

* II Corinthians 12:7.  For the record, the "peter" in my title is a puerile term for a penis, not a reference to the Apostle Peter with whom Paul had significant doctrinal differences.

OP164. Bummer Sooners

Buzzed fraternity boys at OU
Let some crass racial epithets spew.
     Now they're banned and disgraced.
     Where's the ethos embraced
By their oaths as a gentleman true*?

*"The True Gentleman" is a code of conduct and civility which is a required recitation by everyone pledged to Sigma Alpha Epsilon.

1649. March Sadness

Four channels are showing me hoops
You can hear the fans' chants and their whoops
But as for my bracket
I might as well sack it
Reviewing it makes me say, "Oops!"

Thursday, March 19, 2015

1648. Down mammary lane

I love to see cleavage on bitches
It's the second best one of their niches
At my neighborhood tavern
The bar maid's gland cavern

Soon causes a swell in my britches.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

1647. Sneezin' season

Ah, springtime has finally sprung
Now clothes on the line can be hung
Jays and robins are callin'
The air's full of pollen
I itch eyes, ears, nose, throat and tongue.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

1646. Now she can be an ant*

A man living in County Kerry
Was known to make women quite merry
When a virgin from Cork
Had a ride on his dork
Sure, she no longer had her sweet cherry.

* Aunt.. due to her hymenoptera. 

Monday, March 16, 2015

1645. He's an ass

A colleen would be thought a fool
If she had sex with Paddy O'Toole
'Twould be a big blunder
She'd get torn asunder
His pecker belongs on a mule.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

1644. Geographical ignorance

The tourists who've seen Mozambique
Are quite often thought of as chic
If you meet one, don't ask her,
"How was Madagascar?"
They're two countries; each is unique.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

1643. Virginal Asp-irations

A gal from the Cape of Good Hope
Had a way to tell suitors, "No soap"
She kept in her poontang
An African boomslang
Has anyone fucked her?  Well, nope!

Friday, March 13, 2015

1642. 'Possumbly offensive

A redneck did something unlawful
Sold moonshine, plus he drank a craw full
He'd pick up some road kill
And braise it in "corn" swill
The odor, of course, was just offal.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

1641. Razor hand if you like 'em bare

My mistress has shaved her whole patch
It looks like a little girl's snatch
I feel like a pederast,
One who has led her as-
tray.  Still, we screw with dispatch.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

OP163. From Steve Benko

A fellow from far Oklahoma
Wrote limericks worthy of MoMA
But in New York they ain't
Showin' nothin' but paint
Until they awake from their coma.

Mr. Benko is a regular contributor of limericks to AWAD, getting one published virtually every week!  When I wrote him in January to congratulate him and introduce this blog, he replied with the above one.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

1640. He wound up deluge-inal

There once was a man from Bahrain
Who'd never, not ever, felt rain
So he went to Kowloon
Just to see a monsoon
And one washed out the bridge of his train.

Monday, March 9, 2015

1639. Hijabs 'em if they refuse

There once was a horny young gurkha
Who learned how to dance the mazurka
One night, feeling pole-ish
Went looking for hole

Eesh!  He fucked one adorned in a burka.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

PD188. Clever classic

There was a young woman from Thrace
Whose corset grew too tight to lace
Her mother said, "Nelly,
There's more in your belly
Than ever came in through your face."

1638. Cf. neighbor Nelly from PD188

A gal-hater, last name Bixroniker,
Grew up just outside Thessaloniker
Because of misogyny
He had no progeny
That's why you don't know his moniker.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

1635-1637. Swell entertainment

When a stripper named Vanya Varoom
Does her act, the bar gets like a tomb
Though she once wore a g-string
It's stretched to a "t-string"
Because of what grows in her womb

She's clumsy when working the pole
Her boobs, butt and belly are swoll
There's quite a bit moa
To hide 'neath her boa
She earns tips from nary a soul

If you go there to make fun of Vanya
Take care that the bouncer don't ban ya
He owns that strip house
And besides, he's her spouse
So don't let it be said that he ran ya.

Friday, March 6, 2015

1634. Crusty ol' reprobate

At times I show signs of senility
And I know that I've lost some ability
For I can't hold my tongue
As back when I was young
And what comes out ain't said with civility.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

1633. This guy's in love with ewe

A filthy young fetishist, Farnsworth,
Cares how the law reads not a darn's worth
When he wants to molest
Sheep are what he likes best
And it's said that he keeps a whole barn's worth.

I hope blogspot doesn't lamb baste me for that one.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

1632. Bucolic bathroom

There once was a farmer named Fohler
Who built him a fancy two-holer
This nifty outhouse
Could hold him and his spouse
And had all the best fixtures from Kohler.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

1631. A western to wank to

Jane Russell's big tits were without flaw
Causing Howard Hughes nearly to flout law*
O'er her breasts he obsessed
They were best in the west
And he put 'em on screen in "The Outlaw."

*He challenged the MPAA's Hays Commission.

Monday, March 2, 2015

PD183-187. Any of these geog your memory?

A cavalier young lad from Yuma,
Told an off-color joke to a puma.
Now his skeleton lies,
Beneath hot western skies,
'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.

There once was a lady from Butte
Whose butt was exceedingly cute
Montanans of class
Who admired her fine ass
Were thought of as very astute.

A gallant young man of Duquesne
Went home with a girl in the rain
She said with a sigh,
"I wonder when I
Shall see such a rain-beau again?"

There was an old sailor of Crete
Whose peg legs propelled him quite neat
"Strong liquor," he said,
"Never goes to my head,
And I know it can't go to my feet."

There was an old man of Tarentum
Who gnashed his false teeth 'til he bent 'em.
When they asked him the cost
Of what he had lost
He replied, "I can't say, for I rent 'em."

Sunday, March 1, 2015

1630. He liked hare-y things

A German teenager named Leffer
Would make his mom fix hasenpfeffer
Then once he was fed
He'd take her to bed
The kid was a real mother-effer.