Monday, October 31, 2011

309-311. Boo! (Hoping that's not your reaction)

I guess because it's Hallowe'en,
You'd like one that's darkly obscene.
But other than "witches"
To match up with "bitches"
All other rhymes seem to be clean.


But here's one that's fairly macabre,
'Bout a man who'd go out and grave robre.
He'd sneak home a stiff,
Fuck its bum or its quiff,
And pry open its mouth with his knobre.


There once was a weird country bumpkin
Who would stick his prick into a pumpkin.
Such aberrant deeds
Left his rod smeared with seeds.
He was horny, or crazy, or sumpkin.


And here is my favorite seasonal joke:

A man received an invitation to a Hallowe'en costume party.  He had over a month to come up with the perfect costume and decided to mail-order one.  He wrote to the Acme Costume Company:
Dear Sirs,
I am in need of a Hallowe'en costume.  I have two physical drawbacks -- a bald head and a wooden leg -- and I hate fielding questions like "how did you lose your leg?" or "how did you lose all your hair."  Therefore, please make sure that the costume you send hides my problems.

A week later he received a large package in the mail and a cover letter:
Dear Sir,
Enclosed, please find a Pirate Costume -- earring, eyepatch, sword, pants, shirt, and bandana.  Wrap the bandana around your head, disguising the fact that you are bald.  With your wooden leg, you will be perfect as a pirate!


Distressed that the company had only taken care of one of his problems, he sent the costume back with this letter:
Dear Sirs.
You completely ignored the fact that I need my wooden leg hidden!  Please replace the Pirate Costume with something else that takes care of both my drawbacks.


Another week went by and he got another large package.  The cover letter read:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the mixup.  Enclosed, please find a Monk Costume.  Its length will completely hide your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you'll make a great monk!


Now the man was really angry.  He wrote back, cussing them out, calling them idiots, and demanding that they send something that disguised both his physical disabilities.

After another week, he received a very small package and a postcard:
Sir,
Enclosed, find a jar of molasses.  Pour the molasses over your head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

308. Excitation by vibration

A fellow whose name is Mike George
Has a washing machine made by Norge.
When it hits the spin cycle
The dick of our Michael
Rests on it to quickly engorge.

307. Out-of-style cravats

A bad business woman named Sara
Tried hard to supplant Countess Mara
At designing men's ties,
But the ones she'd devise
Looked as if they were from a past era.

306. Spots and dots

A bass violinist named Facci
Had a bow that became very splacci.
Purchased one that was new,
Then the old one he threw
In the fire of his flaming hibacci.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

305. A new STD

A man who engaged in debauchery
One day found his dick was all splotchery.
What's worse, the poor gent
Became incontinent,
Which oft left him wet in the crotchery.

304. Eraicin the capsaicin

A fellow who thought he was macho
Burned his mouth on a ghost pepper nacho.
The thing was so hot
That he drank a full pot
Of the restaurant's ice-cold gazpacho.

Friday, October 28, 2011

303. Bad protection

There once was a tenor named Boris
Who used condoms so old they were porous.
When performing in Carmen
He saw little harm in
Impregnating girls from the chorus.

302. Perhaps needs mollycoddling

That sweet pulchritudinous Polly
Makes guys who espy her say "Golly!"
When they try to lay her
They just cannot sway her,
Attempts to fuck Polly are folly.

301. It's the pits

There's a beautiful woman named Gretchen
Whose appearance, you'd say, is quite fetchin'.
Though her looks are divine
Something isn't so fine --
Her horrid B.O. leaves you retchin'.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

300. Spread-eagled

 It is only fitting that this, my 300th limerick, be a naughty one.
A slutty cheerleader named Vicky,
For her pre-game routine has a quickie.
When she then does the splits
It gives fans laughing fits,
She stays splayed-out because she's so sticky.

299. And that's no bull

A black-mailing gal from Seattle
Saw a man doing strange things with cattle.
Said she "What you did sucks!
Pay me 10,000 bucks,
Otherwise, I am going to tattle."

298. No pay inside the beltway

A Washington, D.C. man, Bobby,
Heads the anti-asparagus lobby.
But no one will pay
For what he has to say
So in fact, it's no job, it's a hobby.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

297. Pachyderm sperm

While in old San Diego, dumb Rufus
Created somewhat of a zoo fuss.
He tried to get spunk
From an elephant's trunk --
There never has been such a doofus!

296. Missionary position only

A couple named Roger and Janie
Had troubles 'cause she was complainy.
When he'd get the itch
She became a real bitch
If he asked her to try something zany.

295. Microsoft's bane

A large group of cheap PC users
Can be categorized as big losers.
They ask friends for software,
Which version?  Don't oft care
'Cause beggars, it's true, can't be choosers.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

294. Peruse these...

A Peruvian rancher named Luna
Has a fairly large herd of vicuna.
He sniffs at the fannies
Of all of the nannies,
Like women, they smell just like tuna.



PD11.  This one is #1511 in Legman's The Limerick.
There once was a girl from Peru
Who had nothing much better to do,
So she sat on the stairs
And counted cunt hairs --
Four thousand three hundred and two.

293. Odd Todd

There once was a fellow named Todd
With a habit considered quite odd.
Drank only green tea,
And the tea made his pee
Look chartreuse when departing his bod.

292. Ice box

A very poor woman named Jana
Had a real ancient 'fridge from Amana.
The thing was so old
It used ice to stay cold,
She inherited it from her nana.

291. Bar made

A middle-aged woman named Soozie
Was known far-and-wide as a floozie.
If you bought her three drinks
It was easy, methinks,
To make your way into her coozie.

290. Chantilly filly

There is a young maiden named Casey
Who wears bras and pants that are lacy
Though parts of her figger
Could be a bit bigger
Her underwear makes her look racy.

Monday, October 24, 2011

289. Morning wood

A man who was sort of a loner
Awakened each day with a boner.
To relieve this condition
He'd stroke 'til emission.
No donee, just one lonely donor.

288. Sommelier by the bay

A fishmonger good at filletin'
Spent lots of time catchin' and weighin'.
When asked "What goes well
With these fish that you sell?"
He'd reply "White wines labeled 'Chilean.'"

287. Baham! Daham!

An unusual fellow named Graham
Had a prick like a battering raham.
When the thing would get hard
'Twas one-third of a yard
And he'd ream out his wife's bearded claham.

286. Contrarian agrarian

A foolish old farmer named Billy
Did things that were totally silly.
He'd hook up a cow,
Not a horse, to his plow
And go through his fields willy-nilly.

285. In arrears

There once were a couple of Sheiks
Who acted as if they were Greiks.
Kept boys in the harem,
Would tell them "Now bare 'em"
And insert their dicks 'tween the cheiks.

284. Indian indigestion

A very odd woman named Murry
Enjoyed eating food spiced with curry.
But it didn't like her --
Indigestion would spur
Several trips to the john in a hurry.

PD9-10 Machinations

A couple of classics for you...
There once was a man named Eugene
Who invented a fucking machine.
It could screw either sex,
Both concave and convex,
But it sure was a bastard to clean.


That same old man named Eugene
Invented a jack-off machine.
But the damned thing broke,
Quadrupled its stroke,
And beat his balls to a cream.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

279-283. Three nice, two naughty


Once again, The Limericist must hit the road until Sunday.
A mother in Georgia named Myrna
One December was trying to discern a
Downtown map of Atlanta
To take kids to Santa.
(There wasn't one back home in Smyrna.)


A woman whose name was Patrice
Was quite fond of the flavor anise.
She ate so much liquorice
It made her quite sickuorice
Which caused her strange habit to cease.


A weak-stomached whaler named Luke,
In his job had to look for the fluke
Of a blue or grey whale
With the boat under sail.
From the crow's nest he often would puke.


A man, 68, but quite limber
Whose romances were "May to December",
Couldn't ever get laid
By a half-his-age maid..
Mainly due to his flaccid old member.


There once was a rascal named Guy
Who loved eating pussy, oh my!
Friends would ask him to dine
He'd say "Thanks, but I'm fine.
Later on I'll go eat at the Y."

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

278. This one has teeth

There was a young Magyar of Pest
Who delighted in chewing a breast.
But a maiden from Buda
With teeth like a 'cuda
Bit back, and the lad detumesced!

277. Rat infestation

There was an old woman in Germany
Whose house had become very verminy.
The Health guy came out,
Saw the rats, gave a shout
And scathed her with words which were sermony.

276. Or a tennis ball through a garden hose?

A Croatian family named Crumpervich
Had a daughter well-known as a humper bitch
She was kind of a skink
But would fuck like a mink
And could suck all the chrome off a bumper hitch.

275. Sandwiched slut

A bitchy old hooker from Kenya,
Takes on two at a time (in between ya.)
If you get her to come
She'll reduce her price some,
Just don't tell anyone, she'll demean ya.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

274. Shostakovich

For the most part he was a great composer, but...
Some orchestral notes by Dmitri
Belong in a dish we call Petri
Used to cultivate germs --
Notes which make us use terms
Like "a work as transparent as vitri."

If there are other words rhyming with Dmitri, I don't know 'em.

OP15. I saw, I conquered, I came

I found this one at another internet limerick site.  Pretty damned good!
Vidi a young Latin lass
And vici her heart and her ass.
She fondled genteely
My membrum virile

But veni too quickly -- alas.

273. The Runny-nosed bride

A real nervous bride named Jan Howard
Had to walk down the aisle which was bowered.
"I'm allergic" she hacked

"To the flowers."  In fact,
If the truth be known, Jan was a coward.

272. Gas chamber

A glutton for punishment, Bart,
Had a torrid affair with a tart.
When he jumped on her belly
The room would get smelly
For each time he fucked her, she'd fart.

Monday, October 17, 2011

271. Envious

There once was a maiden named Venus
Who had the wrong sex in our genus.
Her disorder Freudian
Upset the young hoyden,
She wished she'd been born with a penis.

270. Parochial school

A Texas boy living in Temple,
Whose teachers (all nuns) thought him simple,
Had one say "You're a dunce."
He just uttered some grunts
And pulled off her sparkling white wimple.

269. Bad Brad

There was a rude fellow named Brad
Who was known far and wide as a cad.
He had language atrocious
And breath most ferocious --
All things from his mouth were just bad.

268. Married, no doubt

There once was a woman from Italy
Who performed in the bed rather shittily.
This woman Italic

Despised all things phallic,
Just lay there and didn't do diddly.

267. Barker with scales

There once was a fellow named Barney
With a job in a traveling carnie.
He worked on the midway
And guessed what you did weigh
The spiel that he used was all blarney.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

266. Idaho why I wrote this one

A young boy who lived up in Boise
Had a unique collection of toys.  He
Only liked those
From which sounds arose,

Trains, police cars and fire trucks, all noisy.

265. Dover soul

A Delaware faggot named Percy
Had a butch boyfriend in New Jersey.
He'd drive up from Dover
Drop trou and bend over
His buggerer showed him no mercy.

264. Rough sex

A careless young bastard named Andy
Took a girl to the beach to get randy.
As he entered her snatch he
Said "Sorry it's scratchy,
I just dragged my dick and it's sandy."

Friday, October 14, 2011

257-263. Seven to tide you over

I will be back posting on 10/16.

An unfortunate woman named Jane
Each month suffered pre-menstrual pain.
Her husband would hide all
Her bottles of Midol
And beat her with whips and a chain.

A man whose real name was Joaquin
Was a show-offy cross-dressing queen.
He called himself "Sharon"
And wore Donna Karan,
On dates what he did was obscene.


A desperate fellow named Freddy
Asked a nine-year-old girl to go steady.
She turned him down cold
Because she wasn't old
Enough.  Also, she just wasn't ready.


An out-doorsy rascal named Lew
Laid a willing young maid in the dew.
Her name had been Sonia
(She died of pneumonia)
A helluva price for a screw.


A good-looking cocksman named Mack
Is world-reknowned in the sack.
His marvelous powers
Let Mack fuck for hours
Both topside and flat on his back.


A horny teen-ager named Lloyd,
Masturbation thrice-daily employed.
When he'd get that odd feeling
His wads hit the ceiling.
His mother was highly annoyed.


A man went out looking for snatch
His intent to get all he could catch.
Found nineteen or twenty
Which seemed to him plenty
And one by one, fucked the whole batch.


Thursday, October 13, 2011

256. www

An internet-savvy whore, Liz
Advertises herself like a whiz.
She's set up a page
That's become all the rage,
Go to pussyformoney.biz

254-255. Squeaky clean

A new Scottish chef named McDoffle
Decided to make some falafel
His beans known as fava
Were harder than lava --
The finished dish tasted quite awful.


A strange fortune-teller named Nancy
Had a shop in New York on Delancey

She was known as a bitch
And perhaps was a witch
For she dabbled in things necromancy.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

253. Bris miss

A circumcised man known as Clark
Used a moyel who just missed the mark.
Clark wasn't too proud
Of his penis's shroud
So he only would fuck in the dark.

252. Castrato

A once booming basso named Jeff
Lost his balls in a fight with a chef
Besides being sterile
When singing a carol
His notes are now in treble clef.

250-251. Eating disorders

There once was a woman named Kate
Obsessed with her figure and weight.
Her portions were mini
So she was quite skinny,
Ate tofu when out on a date.


Anorexia soon was her fate
And she'd puke what had been on her plate
The added bulimia
Was just too extremia
Kate's now referred to as "the late."

249. Medusa-like

There was a musician named Morgan,
Who had him an odd-looking organ.
Not with keys you could play --
When his swelled up you'd say
It was scary and looked like a gorgon!

248. Posthumous praise

A German composer named Mahler
In his lifetime could not make a dahler
With the stuff that he'd writ.
(No one liked it one bit.)
Once he died, well his stature grew tahler.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

247. $300,000 Coffin

A filthy-rich heiress named Jeannie
Drives a shiny-new red Lamborghini.
It will go two-nineteen,
What remains to be seen
Is how soon, at that speed, she'll be fini.

246. Wench stench

A scrofulous woman named Sal
Had a cunt odor you'd label mal
Odorous. Whew!
Just one whiff, you'd say "Peww!
I have never smelled pussy so foul!"

245. Talented tongue

A silver-tongued devil named Maxwell
Was noted for playing the sax well.
His actions were gallant
But mainly, his talent
Was talking girls onto their backs well.

Monday, October 10, 2011

244. Social diseases

A prostitute whose name was Lydia
Would pass STDs when she didia.
That filthy jeune fille
Had bad gonorrhea
Plus syphilis, crabs and chlamydia.

243. 4Ging ahead

A man with no voice box named Peter,
Finds the 21st century neater
Than his former life.
Now, to speak to his wife
He'll just take out his cell phone and tweet her.

242. Once IS enough

A horny young rascal named Jim,
Loved to slip his prick into a quim.
But his herky-jerk thrusting
Was so damned disgusting
His chances for "seconds" were slim.

PD7-8. Classics

It's time for two more from the archives.  Each is anonymous.
There once was a young man from Kent
Whose dick was exceedingly bent.
So to save him much trouble
He'd put it in double
And instead of coming, he went.


There once was a man from Cape Horn,
Who wished that he'd never been born.
And he wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his rubber was torn.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

240-241. Return of the Limericist

Sorry to have been offline Friday and Saturday.  Same schedule for the next two weekends...  I'll resume each Sunday night.

A guy in the closet named Claybo
Chose a flamer to be his new gay beau.
He said "I'm not outed,
Our love can't be flouted,
It's best if we sneak 'round and lay low."


There once was a young man named Hans,
Whose penis was dead 'round the glans.
With no nerves to excite
He could stay hard all night,
Never coming.  The girls were big fans!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

236-239. Four frankly filthy ones

The limericist will be away from his computer until October 9.  He feels obligated to leave his readers with plenty of material until he gets back online.  These four and the following three will have to suffice until Sunday evening...

A big horny rascal named Frank,
Quite often his wiener would yank.
When not self-abusing

You'd find him amusing
A girl with his frank in her tank.


A young 69er named Tory
Is the subject of this 5-line story.
For her cherry you bob
While she nibbles your knob,
She's a virgin but soon she'll be whory.


An ancient hotel clerk named Roger,
Tried to screw every feminine lodger.
Though in age, eighty-three,
Took Viagra, you see,
And he sometime would score, that old codger!


An unusual woman named Liz,
Liked to undress and have her man whiz
On her face and her boobs
And her ass and her pubes,
Then she'd suck him and swallow his jizz.

233-235. Three pristine ones

A shy and a feckless old pirate
Had a pistol but never would fire it.
He hadn't a cutlass
For he was too gutless,
If his flag got attacked, he'd retire it.

A man named José was quite wee
He was only as tall as your knee.
When he went to a game
Folks in front would proclaim,
"We'll scoot over.  José, can you see?"

There once was a boozer named Lars
With a couple of small hybrid cars.
To get better mileage
He ran them on silage
And used 'em to drive to the bars.

232. Henry Purcell, 1659-1695

An English composer wrote well,
But some critics don't think him so swell.
They slam him, what's worse'll
Pronounce his name PURS-ul.
(Most likely he said it pur-SELL.)

231. Lorena Bobbitt's sister?

There once was a fellow named Chris Smith
Who hadn't a pecker to piss with
It was lost in the war --
Not in battle, a whore
Cut it off. (Sometimes sex is a bliss myth.)

230. Worth the price

The final 'h' is silent in all lines...
The 'cello concerto by Hindemith
Requires every player to blendabith.
To the unwashed, its dissonance
Won't always bring blissonance
But if Yo Yo is playing, they'll spendabith.

229. Not a chance

An arrogant bastard named Trevor
Liked to say "As a cocksman, I'm clever."
But each girl he approached,
When the subject was broached
Unequivocally said to him "Never!"

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

228. A twist of law

A pugnacious fellow named Mort,
Was quite an irascible sort.
At a bar late one night
He started a fight,
Got arrested and charged with a tort.

227. Pole dole

There once was a fellow named Lutz
Who had an eleven-inch putz.
For girls, he'd no passion,
Instead he would ration
It inch-by-inch into men's butz.

225-226. The French pronounce it "Kwah" (sort of)

But read it "Croy."
Vacationing down in St. Croix
A girl fell in love with a boix
Every night they'd go wild
And soon she was with child,
Which ended her summer of joix.


And here's some more French spoken their way.
A frivolous fellow from France
Had a marvelous gigantic schwantz.
When he'd fuck les jeunes filles
He would fill them with glee
By the way that he diddled their haunts.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

223-224. The long and the short of it

There once was a woman named Mary,
Whose snatch was incredibly hairy.
Men would poke and they'd push
Trying to get through her bush,
None succeeded -- she still has her cherry.


A gal had a twat that was bare,
In fact, not a single cunt hair.
Might have been alopecia --
Whatever, she'd plecia
When fucking her denuded lair.

222. Back boned

There once was a hooker named Myrtle,
Had her tubes tied so she wasn't fertile.
When she screwed in the sack,
Couldn't get off her back
So her nickname was "Myrtle the Turtle."

221. Don't mention it

There was a fat woman from Georgia
Who most of the time just ignorgia.
If you got her attention
'Twas best not to mention
Her weight or she really abhorgia.

Monday, October 3, 2011

220. An observation

Most Jews say that Arabs are lowly
And most Arabs think Jews are controlly.
Each Middle-east species
Says "Your race is feces!"
It's hard to call either side 'holy.'

219. Diseases

A drunkard who suffered dyslexia
Searched for help for his wife's anorexia.
He googled for 'codrot',
"It's 'doctor', you odd sot"
She said.  "Or do your balls perplex ya?"

Sunday, October 2, 2011

218. Shrinkage

A silly weightlifter named Rick,
Whose body was both hard and thick,
Used crank with a steroid
Which made him quite paranoid
And shrank his once seven-inch dick
.

217. Braveheart

The Scot, William Wallace, was martyred,
'Cause with Longshanks he never had bartered.
When he wouldn't recant
Any previous rant
Edward I had our boy drawn and quartered.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

216. A flop at running

A gal in a race, trying to keep up,
Had tits five times the size of a teacup!
She remarked "Double-E
Is just way tight on me,
What I wish I could find is a G-cup."

215. Another short story

There once was a husband named Micky
Who didn't have much of a dicky.
Three inches was all
He could give when he'd ball
He was lucky his wife wasn't picky.

214. Busy street

In our middle-class neighborhood nexus
Lives a hooker who's driving a Lexus.
Perhaps we're just jealous
Still, she's overzealous,
All the men who come nightly sure vex us.

211-213. 15-line 'Thank you'

A follower of this site has his own web-presence.  He was kind enough to recently advertise The Limericist by writing some very kind words and providing a link.  And this is the thanks he gets?

A fellow in France, David Jaggard,
Has labeled himself as a laggard.
But I don't find him lazy
His pace is just crazy
For writing can leave one quite haggard.


His site is "A Quorum of One."**
When not writing, he's off having fun
Either whipping his dick
Or dipping his wick
All his creative juices do run!


His website now offers a link
To this site and I certainly think
That because of his leadership
'Twill increase my readership
Here's hoping my "limmies" don't stink.

**A Quorum of One is found at http://mapage.noos.fr/qoo/