Limericks of three varieties: Clean, Suggestive, and Filthy! The ones in red
are R- to X-rated. Those with numeric-only labels are my own, those labeled "OP" are from Other Posters, and the ones with "PD" labels are in the Public Domain. You may email me at email@example.com.
Once again, an old joke reduced to 5 lines: During lunch with some guys at the deli In came Susan, whose tits bounce like jelly I can't recall who said, "That Sue sure likes Moosehead. The proof? Antler marks on her belly."
At my costume, the town stared, agape Of a man likely guilty of rape I am rich and I'm whiny My hands, they are tiny My hair looks like that of an ape. And my face wears a permanent grump For my dick is, quite simply, a stump So I'm woefully wussy I grab by the pussy I'm going as Donald J. Trump.
I emailed #2274 to several people who don't read my blog. One challenged me to write a limerick on conductor Wilhelm Furtwängler(accent on Furt):
That podium maestro named Furtwängler, Had two 'sticks' but one was a curt dangler Couldn't get a hard on In his lower baton He'd just squeeze women's tits like a shirt mangler.
The other writer, recalling the American leader in Hogan's Heroes, said, "The world cries out for a Bob Crane 'Colonel Hogan' limerick, citing his …ahem…. private proclivities." That sent me googling for forgotten details on Crane's death and resulted in this one:
John H. Carpenter couldn't refrain From joining trysts done with Bob Crane They would film filthy flicks With girls sucking their dicks But when Bob dumped him, John whacked Crane's brain.
A friend challenged me to rhyme up 'Ajax.' I sent him this one with the note, "When you Telamon to do something or otherwise Hector him, this is what you get."
At those game shows with Careys or Sajaks The last-three-rows' viewers are "way-backs" They could get better seats By applying bad beats But they'd need to have muscles like Ajax.
(My title's card-game reference is in L4.)
Found at a Brit site. Who knew nasty 'net nymphs were literate? When your luscious delicious cock's showing And stiffening, throbbing and growing I get horny as hell And my lips down there swell With my juices damn well overflowing.
If you thrust with the passion of Zeus You can squirt my whole face with your juice If you want, I could suck But if you wanna fuck Ride me hard till I buck like a moose!
When a guy is a perverted prick And his mind is a little bit sick It makes it much better And makes me much wetter When he's got (but ain't) a big dick.
There's a word - it's called squelchy; I love it! It's the noise when you push it and shove it Of that sound I am fond; From your slimy slick wand I get wetter beyond and above it!
Please help my vagina go lube With your sexy cylindrical tube Its head I'll be teasing While me you're appeasing By sucking and squeezing my boob.
If you're like me, you know things "about" lots of famous books which you haven't actually read. A few days ago I was conversing with an e-pal and she said something about Paris and madeleines.
I pleaded ignorance to the tie-in. She wrote back to say they were prominent in "Remembrance of Things Past." The light then came on as I'd at least heard about Marcel's fondness for them. It resulted in this limerick which I dashed off and sent her:
I'd forgotten those sweets loved by Proust My poor recall came home to roost Truth be known, never read Anything which he said So I'm glad that my mem'ry you've goosed.
On what are Anu's choices based? He must read the lim'ricks in haste. Prints lots which don't rhyme With no concept of time It is clear that he has little taste.
Follow this link, note the five words (in blue, top right) and then scroll nearly to the bottom of the page to see the limericks chosen for "air time" by the website's author. (Scroll too far and you'll have to read my puns.)
I am e-friends with Benko and Dvoretzky and receive all five of their limmies each Friday. On a weekly basis, it amazes me how Zelda's get (mostly) left out. Only hers on "confute" was chosen for last week while four of Benko's five made it. Look at which of Zelda's were left out by Anu: I was sort of betwixt and between when it came to the proper propine. Though the service was bad I still tipped the poor lad - just a scared, inexperienced teen. or I would never presume to malign a sommelier's choices of wine, but my steak calls for red, he brings rose' instead. That adversely affects the propine.
Said the chef with a sigh of despair, "Can't create with my usual flair; herbs and spices all flocculate, 'gainst damp can't innoculate! It also plays hob with my hair."
Don't just do what the other guy said. Please decide with your own brain instead. We must strive to evolve because life won't absolve us from just going where we are led.
It's not enough just to berate, or more seriously objurgate. For fanatics, debate can't diminish their hate. Adversaries they must extirpate.
As you'll note by reading all Mr. Garg's selections, some from other writers are beyond belief in badness and NEVER should have seen the light of day when the above were available.
Computer guys aren't always geeks (Though you'd think so when one of them speaks) But it's a fact, Jack, That some know how to hack And one place they cause flak? WikiLeaks.
* An alternate spelling of phalanx.
It's Thanksgiving and you're looking perky
Make sure that you cook that big turkey
But you're out of luck
If you're not a Canuck
Till November, you're stuck! Ain't it quirky? Ed. note: Click here to read all about it!
Trump's daughter, the lovely Ivanka, Is reserved, unlike poppa (that pronker) When Stern said it so crass Don agreed, "piece of ass." Dad, the cad, should be banned to Sri Lanka. Reported HERE (among other places.)
As Lewis Black said, it's a choice between two bowls of shit. The only difference is the smell. So if the US elects Hillary There's plenty to pick from to pillory Lots of money she'll spend There's not much she'll amend And I'll have to attend a distillery.
But if the US elects Trump (A man with his head up his rump) And gives him that power Atop a tall tower I'll sob for an hour, then jump.
The opening book is called Genesis On its heels you'll encounter the Exodus Read Leviticus' laws And then Numbers gives pause Hark to wise Deuteronomy's second fuss.
(Deuteronomy means "second law" and recapitulates much of books 2 & 3.)
I sent that one to my 85-yr-old Jewish friend, Zelda. She replied, An acrostic that's based on the Pentateuch Might make one return for another look. But it's so full of "Don't!" That maybe I won't. I might find more joy in another book.
There once was a cowgirl named Yount Whom the cowboys would all try to mount But when she'd toss and twitch Not one son of a bitch Could stay on for an eight-second count.
Do you know what 'rodeo sex' is? That's when you're screwing your wife doggy-style, you reach 'round her waist and clasp your hands, and whisper in her ear, "Your sister really likes it this way." Then you try to hang on for eight seconds.