Friday, July 31, 2015

1780. Two thumbs up

"Slide in your whole hand, use your right.
Next your left, 'cause I think it just might
Also fit in my trap;
Now, try hard to clap
See!  I told you my pussy was tight!"

Thursday, July 30, 2015

1779. 1st Family Reunion for the toddlers

Some folks have grandkids by the dozens
And litter Facebook with their buzzin's
Wife and I have but two;
Guess what we're gonna do?
Go to see their first meeting as cousins!

14-mo-old Nora, her parents, and my wife and I are descending on New Jersey today to visit just-turned-one-yesterday Tommy and his parents.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

1778. Never-heard word he thought rhymed

There once was a fellow named Frazier
Whose day job was being a glazier
After working with glass
He'd go looking for ass
Saying, "Hey!  Show me what's in your brassière!"

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

1777. A nether way

Said an unhappy housewife named Laurel,
"I'm tired of just fucking and oral."
Her husband then dinked her
In her anal sphincter
And Laurel sang out anthems choral.

OP192. Not enough dick for a long limerick

An early contender for this week's contest.  I had to look this word up.

The timing is quite opportune
For an off-color rhyme that's jejune*

A short penis joke will
Always get a cheap thrill
But the verse, like my dick, ends too soon.

*Jejune - displaying or suggesting a lack of maturity.

Monday, July 27, 2015

1776. Despicable despot

King George the Third may have been daft
We protested tea tax, he just laughed
Independence was sought
And, through war, it was bought
Cutting U.S. adrift like a raft.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

1775. "Listen, my children.."

For the number above, just think 'year'
And it might bring to mind Paul Revere
Henry Wadsworth* took pride
In Paul's long midnight ride
We Yanks find his stanzas quite dear.

* First and middle names of Longfellow.

OP191. Undressed for success?

It's still my 33rd birthday where I am, so ...

I applied for a job I desire
I convinced them I'd be a good hire
But they told me when I
Showed up in suit and tie

"Birthday suit isn't proper attire."

Saturday, July 25, 2015

1773-1774. Marriage disparaged

I'm hoping to finally sate
My sex drive before it's too late
All the dollars I've paid
To those whores to get laid
Have my wife acting very irate.

When we last bared our bodies to mate
I remember it just didn't rate
Yes, my wife blew her chance
To keep hot our romance
If she'd blown something else, I'd be great!

1772. Eating more than dust

A woman and wannabe masta
At Nascar tried hard to go fasta
With her Ford, led a race,
Couldn't keep up the pace
And lost late: she let one bowtie pasta.

(Due to its logo, "bowtie" is slang for a Chevrolet.  And the driver wasn't Danica Patrick -- she has driven Chevys since 2013.)

Friday, July 24, 2015

OP186-190. Blowing it

This is based off a joke I first heard from the late Christopher Hitchens.  Obviously he tells it better than I do, but of course, I've confined myself to telling it in a limerick format.

A guy took a girl on a date
And she thought he was really first-rate
She could see he was hard
But she thought he'd regard
Her too low if she'd blow him; he'd wait

On the night that the couple was wed
She asked what he wanted in bed
So he asked for a blow
But she said "You'll have no

Respect for me if I give you head"

After ten years, as he stood erect
His proposal she had to reject
"You have done me no wrong
But if I suck your dong
Then I know I will lose your respect"

Even still, after twenty long years
His kind treatment had not calmed her fears

For a stand she found moral
She wouldn't do oral
Though he pleaded, and sometimes in tears

Then at last, when she thought that she knew him
She got down on her knees and she blew him
When the phone rang, he said it
"Cocksucker, go get it"
So never again would she do him.

1771. Drip-dry trip

Hey fellas, when down in Tijuana
Don't think of your girl at home, Donna;
Get a suck for a buck
And, with luck, get a fuck
Which does not give that rrhea called 'Gono.'

Thursday, July 23, 2015

1770. Big giveaway

At poker, you'd better play well
Or it might mean your house you must sell
For the pot can't be bought
Betting more than you've got
When the whole table's onto your tell.

A 'tell' is a mannerism that indicates your cards - good or bad.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

1769. Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

Here's some bolt advice for screwing...
Lovely Hera got married to Zeus
Whose prick was as thick as a spruce
It was no fun for mortals
To enter her portals
Her cunt, once right tight, was left loose.

1768. Grist for my mill

I'm no fan of C&W music.  In fact, I'm proud to say I've never heard either of these persons sing, even though Shelton is from my home town.  Still, I guess they're topical so although this one isn't up to my standards, here goes...
Miranda and hubby, Blake Shelton
No longer will duets be beltin'
They've decided to part
Leaving each with a heart
That's now frozen and will not be meltin'.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

OP185. The long and the short of it

A fellow who's out with his date
Says the length of his dick numbers eight
But he means centimeters
So she gleans from his peter's
Small size that he lies; she's irate.

A couple subtle changes from my contest entry, but I think it's better.

1767. I hate this at concerts!

There once was a man named McGuirk
With a dreadfully hard-to-take quirk

During Carmen, this hick
Would stand flicking his Bic
And in general, being a jerk.

Monday, July 20, 2015

OP184. Foreskin and seven years ago

The story of Abraham Lincoln
One night went too far with his drincoln

On impulse, a decision - 
An adult circumcision
They botched it, and since, no more dincoln.

1766. Hello, Dolly

My lover is short and she's sweet
We get horny when she comes in heat
Am I s'posed to feel sheepish
Or just a bit creepish
When mounting her makes her go "Bleat"?

Sunday, July 19, 2015

1765. I'm not enchantered

I never have liked the bagpipes
Their players must be tone-deaf types
That squeaking and skirling
Sometimes brings on hurling
But always, it fills me with gripes.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

1764. Twisted mister

A man I know says with a smirk,
"I can use hand or foot when I jerk!
And since I'm double-jointed
This means I've anointed
My toes and my fingers with murk."

Friday, July 17, 2015

OP182-183. Inherent but not inerrant

Okay, this is the one I feel was my best entry for the contest mentioned in #1760.  some of the limericks there...well, the timing was just off.  Though, of course, there were others that were really good.

I'm especially proud of the second verse, which was in part a response to Phil's limerick with the spelling error in it.  I addressed the error itself in a different one, but that's also to be found in #1760.

I find some of these limericks swell
But for others, the quality fell

With problems of scansion
This topic's expansion
Could hurt some and be a hard sell.

If you say it boils down to the cell
For the gift to write limericks well
Then the verse, if frenetic
Is a curse that's genetic
Unavoidable? Who can foretell?

1762-1763. Cell o' fame

In #1760 I mentioned a limerick contest.  Here are my recent entries:

Shiny vending machines used to sell
Lucky Strike, Chesterfield, and Pall Mall
With products iniquitous
They were ubiquitous

Time we heard smoking's death knell.
(And why wasn't that brand pronounced Paul Maul?)

An oversexed gal named Michelle
Sans a man, solved her needs very well
But then something transpired
Which left 'Chelle feeling wired
Dildo needed a brand new C cell.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

1761. Dialing for Deutschmarks

A woman who lived in Cologne
Got paid to fake fuck on the phogne
Charged 8 marks per minute
And really got in it

But if you hung up quick, she'd grogne.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

1760. What the L?

David Reddekopp is this blog's most regular reader and most fecund contributor.  Several weeks ago I discovered that there is a weekly limerick contest at this site.  I have entered each week since.  Dave jumped in about 3 weeks after I did.

He and I have each received "Honorable Mention" awards, which is pleasing as several of the competitors are REALLY good limerick writers!  A few of the contestants, however, use just AWFUL meter.  It's as if they haven't a clue about anaepest.

This week's word-to-be-rhymed is "sell" (or cell.)  Here is an excellent entry by a different Dave (Johnson) which attempts to show the dummies how it's done:
When WRIting a LIMerick WELL,
Good MEter is NOT hard to TELL.
It HAS a nice BOUNCE,
And is EAsy to PRATtle and SELL.

I then offered this:
Nicely put, Dave Johnson, but I think some people have an innate problem…
An embryo starts as one cell
Therein, gene for rhythm must dwell
Or no matter how galant
Your efforts, the talent
You lack makes your rhymes sound like hell.

Dave Reddekopp spotted my spelling error and submitted:
Phil, this is for you.
If your verse’s advice you would sell
Then be certain you know how to spell
I’d say most of it’s fine
But a fix I’ll assign
For it’s “gallant”; you’re missing an L.

I weakly defended myself with
Were I French, then my method of spell-
ing that word would be perfectly swell
But you’re right, Dave, “galant”
Looked a little bit gaunt
And besides that, it didn’t scan well.

I've asked Mad to "give me L" and yes, I realize I didn’t use ‘cell/sell’ above but it isn’t intended for the competition, anyway.

As you readers can tell, our Dave, like Stella, has his groove back!

OP181. Bet you did Nazi this coming

The Fuhrer was shrewd and gregarious
But his schemes were extremely nefarious
Still the Nazis are fun
To lampoon in a pun
They're unkampfortable, but hitlerious.

There are lots more of those where that came from.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

OP180. A strict vagitarian

A lesbian girl, to be blunt
Thinks that cocksucking is an affront
To her tastes. Says the dyke:

"It's just not what I like
Were I straight, then I would, but I cun't."

1759. An in-Sultan limerick

A faggot who lives in Oman
Will wind up in prison anon
For the term "man on man"
Is against the Koran
In the meantime, the sultan's his john.

Hence the tune Muscat Ramble?

OP179. A palling behavior

A criminal's kill count increased
In an area strongly policed

Since he, hearing the cop
As he hollered out "Stop!"

Did not cease or desist, he's deceased.

Monday, July 13, 2015

OP177-178. The deadliest catch

There once was a man from The Hague
So filthy his stench made you gag
Thought his doc was a quack
When he said he had plaque

He misheard him; he died from the plague.

There's a rebel who risks pussy raids
He's lost count of the girls he degrades
He will not use protection
Thus he risks an infection
Now he's got one; it's HIV/AIDS.

1758. Her first name is Eileen

A woman whose name is McWhorter
Has a left leg that's 8 inches shorter
Than her right.  There's no chance
Of a Repub. romance
'Cause their politics won't let 'em court her.

Title from the joke, 'What would you name a girl baby born with one leg shorter than the other?'  (And if Japanese, the answer is, "Irene.")

Sunday, July 12, 2015

1757. Catastrophic sex

When it comes to the subject of screwing
My wife has no clue what she's doing
Her pussy I pet
But she never gets wet
She just arches her back and starts mewing.

She might as well be catatonic.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

1756. Do they clean their window puns?

I know that my senses are dullin'
But how Scots say some towns has me mullin'
One ends "a-n-e"
So it's sure hard to see
Why it is they pronounce Gullane "Gullun."

I got to play golf there on my only trip to the British Isles.  It is currently hosting The Scottish Open.

Friday, July 10, 2015

1755. Nguyen will we learn?

A Vietnamese chef named Huh
Heard from planning board, yelled "Duh-ta-Duhhhh!!"
For the name of his new
Restaurant had gone through
They thought 'foe' -- it's pronounced, "What the Pho."

Thursday, July 9, 2015

1754. Do 3-somes require a drei sense of humor?

Last week, standing at my gym locker,
The guy next to me (quite a talker)
Said, "I just took my girl
In a plane for a twirl!"
I replied, "This is spad... did you fokker?"

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

1753. Probably tanted her

There was an old maid named Felice
Got appointed as ward of her niece
The girl was a teen
With a streak that was mean
And she gave Aunt Felice no surcease.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

OP176. Politically Incorrect

My country's PM, Stephen Harper
Is a sellout, a fraud, and a carper*
I wish our prime minister
Wasn't so sinister
And all our voters were sharper.

*carper - someone who constantly criticizes in a petty way.

Honestly, it was the only other rhyme I could find, but it's true enough.  Harper has no shortage of character flaws and I can't wait until that asshole is out of office.

Monday, July 6, 2015

OP175. Ode to the Limericist

I know an old poet, Phil Graham
Too masculine for me to lay him
Foremost among mentors
For young verse inventors

Is this proper homage to pay him?

I have to admit, I think my limericks have gotten better since I first joined this site.  It helps to have someone around who's been at this longer than I have, and generally do quality control, and give tips when it may improve my work.  For instance, here is where I learned the importance of making alliteration my ally.

OP174. Hot dog!

A trucker was parked on the street
And his dog, she was in the back seat
But the man left his truck
In the blazing sun - fuck!
Let me tell you, that bitch was in heat.

OP173. If you can't join 'em, beat 'em

Or, beat off to 'em, anyway.

I know of a gay man in heat
Who is seeking another to eat

But rejection's his fate
As his targets are straight
Since he can't beat the heat, beats his meat.

1752. Not consonant with her request

A woman turned white as a sheet
When her cop friend was not too discreet

She said, "Show me your Glock"
What he heard, though, was "cock"
So he proved he was packing some heat.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

1751. Unfun way to lose 10 pounds

An intestinal virus sure sux
Caused my bowels a 3 day case of flux
Dehydrated, felt 'finished'
The E.R. replenished
Me, cost over six thousand bux.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

1750. Good recipes, though

When one Food Network TV show's summoned
It leaves me exceedingly bummoned
Host repeats, "Now" and "Just"
'Til I think I will bust
It's that Pioneer Woman, Ree Drummond.

Friday, July 3, 2015

1749. Halling his ashes

A curious teenager, Burke,
Would peek through a keyhole and jerk
That naughty young voyeur
Would watch from the foyer
In hopes he would see his folks ferk.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

1748. Hair scare

What is it that makes Donald Trump
Hate illegals and be such a grump?
Though NBC dropped him
That act hasn't stopped him
From planning to go out and stump.

OP172. Cleanup on aisle 4

An unstable fellow named Dirk
Got angry and then went berserk
He took off his trousers
And wanked himself - wowzers!
All over the place - what a jerk!

Changed the title, thought it was better.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

1747. Throwing his fat in the ring

New Jersey's Chris Christie has led
The state twice; thinks it gives him Prez cred
And though he's lost weight
He still carries "Bridgegate"
As the albatross he'll never shed.