Saturday, April 29, 2017

2470-2473. Down, but not out

On yesterday morn I said, "Shoot!"
When my trusty(?) laptop went kaput
Took it in for repairs,
Man did not ease my cares
Saying, "This may cost lots of your loot."

What's worse, he said, "3 or 4 days."
And I have not employment which pays
Me, so soon as he said it
I knew that my credit
Card's balance will raise my malaise.

I suppose I could post by smart phone
But the keypad's so small, makes me groan
While it's OK for reading
Email, I'm conceding
I'm using a PC "on loan."

Yes, I've come to my local library
For a couple of hours here I'll tarry
But they're closed on Sunday
No more posts 'til Monday
So Suz and Dave, please here "make merry."

Friday, April 28, 2017

2469. How do you do 'er?

A desiccate woman in Dewar
Found her dates growing fewer and fewer
Her chances went dim
When men learned that her quim
Had closed up; they no longer could screw 'er.

Pop. 871

Thursday, April 27, 2017

2468. Why the long "i"?

A grocery shopper in Shidler
Spends much of her time as an idler
She's put lots of weight on
So cannot walk straight on
Down aisles; people call her "The Sidler."

Pop. 439.  The "i" is long 'cause that's how the man said it.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

OP423. King of Garvin Marred Ins (and Outs)

An Italian man living in Wynnewood
Had a passion for love -- any guinea would.
     But this would-be Don Juan
     Garnered giggle or yawn
Once a gal glimpsed his limp, mini, skinny wood.

This Garvin County town counted 2212 souls in the 2010 Census.
Ed. note: Poster OkieJokey wrote this but forgot his password.

2467. Anus and handy

O'Doul, a persuasive galoot,
Had a lady friend out in Canute
When her pussy was dry
He convinced her to try
His old cock up her filthy poop chute.

Pop. 541

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

2466. Mostly male visitors

A cook with no talent named Janna
Runs the only cafe found in Hanna
Her chicken and biscuits
Are drier than Triscuits™
Men come back 'cause she looks like Vanna.

Pop. 140

Monday, April 24, 2017

2465. Aaaargh

Those of you who subscribe to A.Word.A.Day know about some of the AWFUL limericks which are chosen for display by webmaster Anu Garg (who obviously lacks the scansion and rhyming genes.)

Joan Perrin used to be one of the worst offenders but has now been supplanted by 3-4 other bards who are even worse!  Still, when I saw this week (scroll nearly to the bottom of that link) that Garg had chosen to print three(!) of Joan's, I couldn't resist writing this:

There once was a poet(?) named Perrin, Joan
Her stories and complete lack of rhythm made everyone groan
Except for a guy named Anu
Who, I am guessing, Joan several times blew
Do you think if I asked he might give me the number for her phone?

2464. Overnight package

A well-endowed bastard in Blackwell
Wore nylon briefs which he did pack well
And his stock in trade
Was to take a young maid
To the local motel where they'd shack well.

Pop. 6,875

Sunday, April 23, 2017

2463. Allow me to rune your day

There's a hateful shrew-wife down in Heavener
Her husband thinks often of leavin' 'er.
But he has no spine,
Taking each gripe and whine,
For he can't bear the thought of aggrievin' 'er.

Pop. 3,422 and site of a possible Viking rune.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

2462. Skank's souvenir.

Went out with a woman from Dibble
Who told me her first name was Sybil
She'd just one persona
But caused me to moan.  A
Bad case of the clap made me dribble.

Pop. 807.

Friday, April 21, 2017

2461. Marginally less painful?

A handsome young fellow in Asher
Is reputed to be quite a masher
When a date won't put out
He does much more than pout
If she's lucky, he'll thrash 'er, not bash 'er.

Pop. 393.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

2460. Usually a man's problem

There's a long-suff'ring husband in Verdigris
And I wonder if you've ever heard o' this...
His wife has some plumbing
That's troubled by gumming
He wastes much time waiting for her t' piss.

Pop. 4,351.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

2459. Limited options

A queer in the town of Cheyenne
Is quite a pornography fan
The town is so small
He gets no dates at all
Must vicariously view man-on-man.

Pop. 815.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

2458. Profit from "The Prophet"

A journalist born in Cyril
Got his Master's degree from Medill.
For his thesis, took on
Poetry by Gibran
(The one whose first name was Kahlil.)

Pop. 1,053.

Monday, April 17, 2017

2457. Volcanic Vagina

There once was a woman named Vera
Who lived in the town of Calera
Beneath her pube patch
Lay her simmering snatch
Twice as hot as a smoking caldera.

Pop. 2,234.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

2456. Sooner songbird

Carrie Underwood hails from Checotah
And she loves eating figs called Kadota
But when it comes to dates
Her hometown hardly rates,
It's too small for a concert tour's rota.

Pop. 3,371.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

2455. What a spectacle

A near-sighted guy from Manasses
Had a whore give him cunt-lapping classes
She sat in a spot
Had him squat, tongue to twat,
But then crossed her legs, breaking his glasses.

Friday, April 14, 2017

2454. Sarin dip

Sean Spicer again made the news
His ghastly remarks brought on boos.
Said, "Adolph took a pass
Just Assad used the gas."
Tell that to six million dead Jews.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

2453. Moaning Lisa

A woman who frequents The Louvre
Buys objets d'art which don't behouvre
Her.  These souvenirs Gallic
Are always shaped phallic
And thrust in and out of her grouvre.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

2452. Gates to the city

When Oprah and Gayle went to Edmond
That booming town also got Steadman'd
If the richest man came
I'll bet you'd know his name
He's from Washington state, up near Redmond.

Pop. 90K

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

2451. Gun but not forgotten

Ms. Shay, a fellatrix from Chickasha,
Was killed by a bullet's crazed ricochet
What a shame for those young
Who'd not yet felt her tongue,
Now they'll never experience lick o' Shay.

Pop. 16.5K.

Monday, April 10, 2017

2450. Jimmy Choo will doo, too

The classiest gal in Pauls Valley
Loves shopping and she likes to sally
Forth to Gay Paree
Where she just has to see
All the latest shoe models from Bally.

Pop. 6,150

Sunday, April 9, 2017

2449. Bag from the boondocks

A nasty old whore from Bugtussle
Would wear an old-timey snug bussle.
Made her dress look like hell
But it held down the smell
Which escaped from her putrid hug muscle.

Pop. about 100 and once home to Speaker of the House Carl Albert.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

2448. Why's she slingin' hash?

There once was a man from Sapulpa
Drank fresh orange juice all in one gulp.  A
Cafe served him some
Which had seeds, left him glum.
He complained, waitress said, "Mea culpa."

Pop. 20.5K

Friday, April 7, 2017

2447. My Monroe Doctrine

In the small, quiet village of Springer
Lives a girl who's a Marilyn dead-ringer!
I am hosting an orgy
My prick will engorgey

If you think she'll fuck I say, "Bring er!"
Pop. 708.  It's ten miles north of Ardmore.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

2446. The old college cry

A young college student, McGregor,
Was told by his girlfriend, "I'm pregger."
When he heard the news
It gave him the blues
So he went and got drunk at a kegger.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

PD296-299. Oldies but goodies

There was a young lady from Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light
        She went out one day
        In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.

There was a young girl from Peru,
Who noticed her lovers were few
        So she walked out her door
        With a fig leaf, no more,
And now she's in bed - with the flu.

There was a young fellow named Hatch
Who was fond of the music of Bach
        He said: "It's not fussy
        Like Brahms and Debussy;
Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."

There was a young belle of old Natchez
Whose garments were always in patchez
        When comment arose
        On the state of her clothes
She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

2445. Gateway to Grand Lake

I learned to eat pussy in Grove
She wanted me to, so I strove
To not mind the smell
But I found it was swell,
She had scented her snapper with clove!

Pop. 6,623

Monday, April 3, 2017

2444. Strong brush (off) stroke

A nerdy art student in Fletcher
Aspired to become a skin sketcher
Asked the homecoming queen
To be in a nude scene
And they carried him off on a stretcher.

Pop. 1,170

Sunday, April 2, 2017

2443. Full of Joey

When fucking is graded in Stilwell
Young super-hung Joseph rates real well
A gal there named Marge
Has a twat that's so large
It requires Joey's pecker to fill well.

Pop. 4,017 and home of Stilwell Frozen Foods (great strawberries!)

Saturday, April 1, 2017

2442. Social (media) disease

A President ought to be stately,
Not tweeting, but acting sedately.
When Trump says things treasonous,
That's one big reason us
Democrats hate him so greatly.

OP419-422. It happened in 1959

This is a true story, folks. Don't believe me? Ask my mum!

When my sister (the eldest) was born,
From the birth my poor mother was worn.
Doctor spanked the babe's bum,
Checked her health, and then some --
Got returned to her mum the same morn.

When she lifted the blanket to feed her,
The feelings of shock did stampede her;
A boy was inside!
My poor mum almost died,
As the nurses had tried to mislead her.

The confusion and screams that would follow
Were much more than the woman could swallow.
The real babe they did bring
To which Momma did cling,
Their apologies ringing quite hollow.

Well, my mum and the nurses conversed,
Then in laughter together immersed;
Any punishment draped
On the nurses escaped
'Cause that day -- it was April the first!