2941. Underachiever on "Leave it to Beaver"

Wally Cleaver's snide friend, Eddie Haskell,
Epitomized smarmy, that rascal!
Thought girls couldn't resist him,
Tried beating the system
But needed more smarts like Blaise Pascal.

2940. Booty-full babes

In Brobdingnag, people indigen-
ous weigh a lot more than a smidgen.
The women, for sure,
Cannot wear haute couture
Because of butts steatopygian.

2939. I could diarrheal painful death

My toilet seat hasn't a hinge,
It stays down; I burn matches to singe
The foul air, what a stink!
My poor anus is pink
'Cause I have Montezuma's Revenge.

2938. Recent AWAD

When trying to rhyme up "trompe l'oeil"
In french accent it just might destroy ya.
Une technique d'art quite sly
It means "trick of the eye"
And is s'posed to amuse, not annoy ya.

2937. But leave the anchovy in the bowl

A Chicago cafe near the Aragon
Ballroom serves romaine greens herbed with tarragon
The resulting salade
Deserves a ballade
For as Caesars go, it is the paragon.

2936. A bloody mess

A "top" try'n to reach points sigmoidal
Caused his "bottom" much pain hæmorrhoidal.
Offered up no regret
And, instead, was beset
With an attitude most schadenfreude-al.
(His "bottom" means his partner.)

2935. You're welcome any time

This blog uses StatCounter™ to track its traffic.  The counter appears at the lower-left-hand corner of the page.  It provides many metrics, including each visitor's Internet Service Provider and approximate location.

For a couple of weeks I've been blessed with fairly regular visits from this person:

A new reader's put my blog in motion
His ISP's "Digital Ocean."
New York is his state
He oft visits here late,
I wonder what gave him the notion?

Are you someone I know?  Regardless, feel free to email me and introduce yourself (that goes for everyone.)   Address is in the banner atop each page.

PD381-383. Ethnic pokes

There was a young Scot in Madrid
Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
When they said, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did."

A well-hung young Oglala Sioux
Told girls that he always withdrew.
The ones who believed
Very often conceived.
When he couldn't pull out 'fore he blew. 

There was an old Scot named McTavish
Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
The object of rape
Was the wrong sex of ape,
And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.

2931-2934. Classy Mini-Class Reunion

My wonderful friend, Margaret Mary,
Isn't just kinda nice, she is very!
She invited me down
To my dear old hometown
To party a while and then tarry.

We had drinks and hors d’œuvres, some quite fancy
And I'm so glad that I took the chancy,
'Cause our Foreign Exchange
Student's here on the range!
She's from Holland and her name is Nancy.

About twelve of us gathered to visit
I was probably far too inquisit-
ive.  Fifty-four years
have passed; shared laughs and tears,
In some ways that's not so long, is it?

I'm awake from a great night of rest
The bed was tremendous, no jest!
Marg'ret, Nancy, and I
Having coffee, oh my,
These two wonderful gals are the best!

2930. Going to waist

There once was a colleen named Kelly
Whose Double-D tits shook like jelly.
Those boobs were so swollen
They hung to her colon
Found somewhere beneath her small belly.

2929. Fri. & Sat. night TV show

On "Live PD" bad guys abound
They should be locked up, not running 'round.
You see some shot by Taser™
Which burns like a laser
And quickly brings them to the ground.
The show is fast-moving and nothing seems staged.  So many criminals out there, it almost makes you afraid to drive.  Click this for ratings.

2928. Absorbison needling

In golf there are terms, quite a few,
That can bring to your face a red hue
When you get out-driven
It's almost a given
Opponent will say, "Blue Bayou."
Actually, after surpassing you he first says, "That was a Linda Ronstadt" in hopes you'll say, "Huh?"
(Title from the fact that Roy Orbison wrote the song.)

2927. He puts the "loaf" in pinching one

A self-flagellator named Hacker
When at work was a terrible slacker.
He'd spend hours in a stall
Not to heed natures call
But instead as an indolent whacker.

2926. Help wanted

David Reddekopp used to regularly post here.  Maybe flattery will bring him back.
I thought I should drop you a line
Saying, "your rhymes are better than mine."
Sometimes your 5-liners
Put me in the minors
('Tho some I've writ seem quite divine.)

  --- Overlooked odes ---
In going thru my archives, I discovered that somehow I neglected to post these two back in mid-2013.  Their inclusion here makes my count correct.

1099. Canuck luck
A Vancouver native named Yates
Sought love in the United States
His province is BC
And he's AC/DC
Which doubles his chances for dates.

1111. Cheap fertilizer
A fam'ly with lawn like a dream
Keeps it green 'cause they act as a team
On it they crap their turds
Just like small cattle herds,
Their neighbors think this is excreme.

2925. What's for launch?

A pubescent young man named McClung
At eleven, was already hung.
When he first beat his meat
Shot wad clear to the street,
Which earned him the nickname, "Far-flung."

2924. It's my Em to make you groan

My penchant for punning won't cease.
Re: Miss Dickinson, here's a small piece:
When I heard her last name
To my mind this one came:
"That reminds of The Donald et fils."

2923. Inevitable ending

To delay men from reaching the summit

I have heard there are creams which will numb it.

But whatever guys use

To attempt to defuse

Once they come, dick and interest plummet.

2922. What a sweetie

We're having a visit from Nora
She's more fun than the isle Bora Bora.
Not quite four-and-a-half
Makes us smile, makes us laugh,
She's our granddaughter whom we adora.
It's our daughter's 20th HS reunion and she brought Nora with her.
Little brother Jay, 20 months, stayed home with Dad.

2921. To heck wit de equity

Have you recently eyeballed the Dow?
It's been taking a nosedive, and how!
Told my broker, "Let's sell"
She said, "No.  What the hell,
Be like Bart Simpson, don't have a cow."
From Tues. am 'til Thurs. pm my Exxon-Mobil stock lost over $10K (on paper.)

2920. Dung on the tongue

Minny cooked up a pie with some fecal
Matter made to taste almost like treacle.
Offered up in "The Help"
Hilly ate without yelp.
('Twas the 60's, well past fin de siècle.)

2919. "Meat, don't fail me now"

Sometimes when I go off to nap
My hand finds its way to my lap
I enjoy reminiscence
Of when concupiscence
Would let me get hard in a snap.
My title is borrowed from a Willie Best line.
Actual pronunciation is kon-KYOO-pi-sence.

2918. Driving to the poor house

We just bought a new SUV
It's a Honda, a grey CR-V
Taxes, title, and tag
Cost so much, made me gag
In just six short years, we'll be debt free!

2917. Mammaries are made of this

I love gals who have ponderous racks
With two prurient, pillowy sacks.
And though still caressable
They're not as accessible
When we form "The Beast With Two Backs."

2916. You can't spell "Stoops" without "oops"

Each week our "D" played just like poops
Sooner fans would complain in great groups.
Though he left once before
Now he's been shown the door,
It is "Farewell Forever!" Mike Stoops.

Oklahoma University's Defensive Coordinator got the axe today.
Out of 129 teams, OU ranks No. 96 in total defense (421.2 yards per game), No. 106 in passing defense (264.3 yards), No. 97 in third-down conversion defense (42.4 percent), No. 95 in fourth-down conversion defense (63.2 percent) and 124 at red-zone defense (tied for last with 0 stops).

2915. Not feeling Cheerio

Final score: Texas 48, Oklahoma 45
Longhorns are deserving of gloats,
Ran and passed the ball right down our throats
Poor defense from Mike Stoops
Got OU knocked for loops,
That, or we just weren't feeling our oats.

As an alternate title, "General Mauls."

2914. Red River Rivalry

My wife and I met at OU

Burnt Orange for us will not do

Should we lose to texas

It surely will vex us

And leave us downhearted and blue.

One of college football's biggest rivalries renews today.  Texas leads the series 61-46-5, but since 2000 Oklahoma is 12-6.

2913. Somnus interruptus

I wake long before it is light
With a bladder so full it feels tight.
So I get up to micturate,
Examine my dick to rate
it.  Wish I could sleep thru the night.

2912. Did the audience laugh or not?

JFK had an awesome demeanor
His wit could have hardly been keener
But his linguistic skills
Seemed as sour as some dills
When he uttered, "Ich bin ein Berliner!"
This article says it wasn't a gaffe and the phrase meant what he intended.  Scroll down and read all of the "I'm a doughnut" urban legend section.

This trashy meme/pun indicates that most folks today still think he misspoke.

2911. Not so subtle signals

I would find some 'strange' pussy delicious
But I'm not one whom you'd call capricious
Still, when gals lick their lips
Or they swivel their hips
Those acts are extremely lubricious.

2910. Martial artist

When speaking of John Philip Sousa
It's hard to imagine one who's a
Composer more loved
When his marches are shoved
In one's ears; each a lollapalooza.

Instead of "Fairest of the Fair" I'd pick "High School Cadets" for the Top 10.  It's in 5 flats, meaning the trio is in six flats!  And rather than "Hands Across the Sea" I'd choose the U.S. Field Artillery March.  Its trio is the "Caisson Song" ("Over hill, over dale..)

PD368-380. Even more worldly pleasures

Mohammed, when lodged in Medina
Imported a fifth wife from China
Being anxious to know
If it really were so
That Chinese have a squinted vagina.

Exuberant Sue from Anjou
Found that fucking affected her hue;
She presented to sight
Some parts pink, some parts white,
And others quite purple and blue.

There was a young man from Seattle
Whose testicles tended to rattle.
He said as he fuck-ed
Some stones in a bucket,
"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."

There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "Bless my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."

There was a poor parson from Goring,
Who made a small hole in his flooring,
Fur-lined it all 'round,
Then laid on the ground,
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.

There once was a woman from Reno
Who used to enjoy playing Keno
'Til she laid on her back
Began ope'ning her crack
Now she owns the whole fucking casino

There was a young man of Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
Said she, "You're a sluggard!" 
Said he, "You be buggered! 
I like to fuck slow, and I shall." 

There was a young monk in Siberia,
Whose morals were very inferior,
He jumped on a nun
Which he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a Mother Superior.

There once was a lady from Cager
Who, as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart 
The whole oboe part 
Of Mozart's quartet in F-Major. 

There was a young squaw of Wohunt
Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
It had many odd uses,
Produced no papooses,
And fitted both giant and runt.

There was a young lady of Bicester
Who was nicer by far than her sister:
The sister would giggle
And wiggle and jiggle,
But this one would come if you kissed her.

There was a young lady from Worcester
Who complained that too many men gorcester.
So she traded her scanties
For sandpaper panties,
Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.

I met a lewd nude in Bermuda,
Who thought she was shrewd; I was shrewder;
She thought it quite crude
To be wooed in the nude;
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her.