Tuesday, April 30, 2013

1028. It wasn't Jason Collins

My title has the name of the Celtics player who came out of the closet yesterday.
An NBA guy gave the word
To his wife, "Let's have sex with a third."
He got his point guard
To also get hard
And a two-on-one fast break occurred.

1027. Militant smoker

A man who enjoyed his cigar
Was told, "You can't smoke in my bar."
So in that small cloister
He spit out an oyster

Coughed up from his black lungs' catarrh.

Monday, April 29, 2013

1026. Pronunciation prod

There is an old woman from Worcester
Who once was a big U. Mass borcester.
Now she's not the same
'Cause at the last game, 

While preparing to sit, someone gorcester.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

1025. Hat trick

On leave from the French Foreign Legion
A soldier continued his siegin'.
Still wearing his kepi

He showed he was peppy,
Attacking his girl's nether region.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

1024. Kenya believe this?

A runner who hailed from Namibia
Decided to build up his tibia.
"I'll jog" he had planned
"'Til I've run out of land."
Headed north -- clear to Tripoli, Libya!

He must have been bad at geography.  West would've been a whole lot shorter.

Friday, April 26, 2013

1023. James jams

There once were two limousine chauffeurs
Who mainly just acted as gofers.
The men became friends
And rammed each other's ends

Because they were light in the loafers.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

OP109. To use the views of Cruise...

L. Ron's religion feels my wrath today.

Said a man who believed in Lord Xenu
Scientology's true, for all he knew
But its inventor, Hubbard
Stashed the cash in his cupboard
He was guilty of fraud, and yes, we knew.

1022. The scuttlebutt? No buttle smut.

A divorced estate owner, Ms. Nick,
Hired on a new butler for prick.
But her majordomo
Turned out to be homo,
And gave neither dick nor a lick.


Wednesday, April 24, 2013

OP108. #1021's soulmate

A girl who found studying tough
Thought the past wasn't thrilling enough
So she got out her toys
And now she enjoys
Learning all of her history, buff.

1021. Different strokes

A man with a passion for history
Whipped off as he learned!  (Quite a mystery.)
He'd read about Salome,
Xerxes and Ptolemy,
All the time practicing wristery.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

1020. Quicky, Lorraine?

A gal hoped to have an orgasm
At least just a single small spasm
But she didn't make it
Had no time to fake it
Too soon came his white protoplasm.

Monday, April 22, 2013

OP107. Misfits

A young epileptic from Turkey
Whose prospects for dating were murky
One day was in luck
But when they tried to fuck
Hanky-panky was all herky-jerky.

OP106. And that goes double for Acknowledgments

Meritorious books feature Forewords.
Authors list raisons d’ĂȘtre and core words.
    But when all’s said and done
    Readers jump to Page One
And omit those superfluous bore words.

On the other hand, lower case italicized Roman numerals are pretty to look at…

1019. I'm kinda fauna this one

A botanist was an explora,
Spent eighteen months trekking Andorra.
His wife was named Flo
But she didn't go
For she knew he had eyes just for Flora.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

1018. Cloven cloaca

I don't think I've used the 2nd word in my title since 10th grade biology (poor frog!)
There is a young woman named Jo
Whose swimsuit makes any boy glow.
That too-tight bikini
Will raise up your weenie
When you see her sweet camel toe.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

1017. The Good Doctor

There once was a woman named Claire
Whose cervix once felt only fair.
Not the one that's abdominal,
Her neck!  A phenomenal
Surgeon took 'way all her care.

Here's wishing a quick recovery to a former classmate.

Friday, April 19, 2013

1016. Spacy probe

This one's entered in the same contest at Reddit, but OP105 below should win.

There once was an astronaut, Todd,
Whose method of steering was odd.
Missed the moon, went to Venus.
It burned up his penis
As well as the rest of his bod.

OP105. Star-struck

Outer space is the topic for this Reddit limerick contest.  This is my second submission, hot off the press.

A spaceship commander, imperious
Passing objects both known and mysterious
Caught a glimpse from afar
Of an uncommon star
Which would cause him to say "You're not Sirius."

Thursday, April 18, 2013

1015. The just-beyond blond

Suzanne Somers was sexy and neato
In the film called "Amer'can Graffito."
She said not a word
From her white Thunderbird
Her allure was, she stayed incognito.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

1014. Spectacular women

I'm partial to girls who wear glasses,
With big tits and nice rounded asses.
But what I find best
Is when I make my quest
To their pussies as smooth as molasses.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

1013. Random ax of unkindness

There once was a Boy Scout named Barrow
Whom everyone thought a straight arrow.
The truth doesn't match it
For he took his hatchet
And chopped his mom through to the marrow.

Perhaps he was related to Lizzie Borden...

Monday, April 15, 2013

1012. Valley boy

A boy with the brain of a lemur
Went out for a drive in his Beemer.
He drove 115
And crashed in a ravine,
Lost his cock, broke his coccyx and femur.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

1011. Prophylactic prolix

A southerner, aptly named Bubba,
Likes doing the old hubba-hubba.
His wife he would fill
But she's not on the pill
And insists Bubba put on a rubba.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

1010. Give this one a hurl

There once was a loser named Luke
And when he'd get drunk, he would puke.
His projectile vomit
Shot forth like a comet
Or like an ICBM 'nuke.'

That's Inter-Continental Ballistic Missile for you young folks.

Friday, April 12, 2013

1009. Fractured French

 Fans of Nat'l. Public Radio's "A Prairie Home Companion" will recognize the mispronunciation of the last word in line 3.  Say it "berf" to make it rhyme.

A drunk out to dine pressed his luck.
Said to waitress, "What's good?  I hate duck."
Waitress:  "Like shrimp and boeuf?
You might try "Surf and Turf."
Said the drunk, "Is that like 'fuck and suck?'"

Those last two lines actually occurred at my cousin's wedding reception!  (Can you tell I'm now scrambling for material?)

1008. Let me try one...

Herr Reddekopp introduced me to a new term in his OP102-104 (below.)  I'll try "verbing" it in my attempt to compete with all his wondrous 'boinking bishop' posts.
When boys smoke, that Bishop of Birmingham
Buys patches, spends time Nicoderm-ing 'em.
He bares more than arms
And he raises alarms
When he then has much fun trouser-worming 'em.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

OP102-104. I'll bet he is...

Our old friend's at it again...if I ever write a book of these he gets his own section.

There once was a bishop of Birmingham
His views about sex, says he's firm in them
As he takes the young boys
They make a loud noise
When he sticks his foot-long trouser worm in them.

or...

There once was a bishop of Birmingham
His clutches, a young boy was squirming in
His constant trajectory
Up in the rectory
Won't deviate, but remain firm in him.

or, to try it from another angle...

The bishop in Trois-Rivieres
Likes buggering boys' derrieres
But his colleague in Birmingham
Shoots much more sperm in them
He feels that he just can't compare.

1007. Golf widow

Last night I received a bouquet
With my husband's note, "I've gone away."
I'm sure that he musta
Gone off to Augusta,
The Masters is starting today.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

1006. I'm a poet lariat

A crusty ol' cowboy named Charles
Just hates when his best lasso gnarls.
He can't rope a calf
When his loop flies just half
The way there, and he cusses and snarls.

OP101. The vanity of profanity insanity

My entry from a just-for-fun contest on Reddit. We had to use the word "girdle".

I've noticed some people can't bear
To hear even a casual swear
It seems odd that a word'll
Get under their girdle
As for me, I don't fucking well care.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

1005. SWELL problem

A stink-fingered bozo named Boyd
Had one very raw hemorrhoid.
He sat on the pot
And reached for the spot.
When he found it, he scratched and he toyed.

Monday, April 8, 2013

1004. Fat fate

In need of the old bypass gastric,
A huge woman also was spastic.
At a dance she did slip,
Made her fat partner trip
Not the Light but the Heavy Fantastic.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

1003. He could also use Royal Jelly

A descendant of great Nibelungen
Is proud of his dick (he's a hung 'un.)
In his gasoline car
Keeps a Vaseline jar
To use if he finds him a young 'un.

(Click the last word in line 1 for its definition.)

Saturday, April 6, 2013

1002. Library libertine

There once was a fellow named Dean
Who read only books dubbed 'obscene.'
For he was a hedonist
And was the readin'-est
Fan of filth ever was seen.

Friday, April 5, 2013

1001. Fitting for this number

Scheherazade, Maid of Arabia,
Declared, "You know, I think that maybe a
Man every night
Just possibly might
Set a World Record streak for one's labia."

Thursday, April 4, 2013

OP100. Congrats!

I figured I'd celebrate The Limericist's 1000th limerick, and the 100 from the rest of us, by making this milestone limmie to honor the people who have made this site what it is.

Though we're not so good at karaoke
With limericks we're okie-dokey
So, a toast to the hosts
Who can boast the most posts
Me, The Limericist, OkieJokey!

There have been others, and to them, thank you as well.  I only put myself first in the limerick to make the anapest work.

996-1000. What a GRAND time I've had!

I've come to my limerick mille,
One concerning a lovely jeune fille.
Though uncharacteristic
No filth, not sadistic
However, she'll be deshabille.


One night when she stepped from the shower
Heard her doorbell ring, this made her sour.
She threw on a teddy
And thought she was ready
To see who had come at that hour.


She opened the door and -- surprise!
Her pastor stood there with huge eyes.
For her teddy was tiny,
Not cov'ring her hiney,
And neither did it reach her thighs.


He really did try to avert
His look, but her lack of a skirt
Made him zero right in
And start lusting (a sin)
With his manhood no longer inert.


While still looking somewhat askance
He managed to raise up his glance.
He said, "We've a date.
Am I early or late?

And are you wearing that to the dance?"

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

995. Staying unencumbered

An "I-play-the-field" man named Steadham
Likes taking out women to bed 'em.
And he is real deft
When he enters the cleft
At avoiding proposals to wed 'em.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

OP99. Boned. James Boned.

There once was a young British spy
Who thought he would give men a try
He'd often had women
This time, let a him in
But the cock up his crack made him cry.

994. Clothes bake the man

A dirty cross-dresser named Hurdle
Got hot when he put on a girdle.
The heat 'round his middle
Burned just like a griddle
And caused all his semen to curdle.

Monday, April 1, 2013

993. Ya glotta like this one

There is a young lover named Yont
Whose tongue is both lengthy and gaunt.
He's learned how to french
With about any wench
And I don't mean "La plume de ma tante."

OP98. Paradise lost

Say hello to April's fool:

April's husband broke one of her rules
For he came from a set of rich fools
So she made him pay
In more than one way
He's cut off from his family jewels.