Friday, June 30, 2017

2564. Cryptic plea

Home alone, eating large Belgian Waffle,
Man stuffed too much in mouth, a whole jawful.
Blocked his 'trache' and esophagus
Now needs sarcophagus.
He's become something quite offal.

(Alternative title: Coffin fit.)

Thursday, June 29, 2017

2563. Named for a Seminole Chief

A male paraplegic in Bowlegs
Wore prosthetics which acted as faux legs.
Only method he knew
Of when trying to screw
Was on back; wife would straddle with dough legs.

Pop. 403.  12 miles west is the also-tiny town of Maud.  It is often said in my hometown of Ada, "You have to go through Bowlegs to get to Maud."

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

2562. On the road to nowhere

There isn't an airport in Byars
It's a town which gets no frequent fliers.
The setting's bucolic
No one goes to frolic
If folks say they've flown there, they're liars.

Pop. 261

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

2561. How now, salchow?

A skater from tiny Bokoshe
Hoped to make the Olympics in Sochi
At the Worlds, met a Jap
Gal who gave him the clap
When she let him glide in just a sukoshi.

Pop. 493

Monday, June 26, 2017

2560. Quite a life

The Tom Mix Museum in Dewey
Celebrates him with much ballyhooey
His films, slightly violent,
Were almost all siolent
We hardly remember him, do we?

Pop. 3,812.  Of his 291 films, only 9 were "talkies."

Sunday, June 25, 2017

2559. Cleaner than my pun

On screen, a comedian ducked a pie
In the next scene a brahma bull bucked a guy
It took no acuity
To know continuity
Was needed to make that flick fructify.

That last word was an early May AWAD.  My pun was,
"I'm pregnant with triplets but I'm fructify know how it happened."

Saturday, June 24, 2017

PD300-301. Two ungodly ones

There was a young girl of Gibraltar
Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
It really seems odd
That a virtuous God
Should answer her prayers and assault her.

There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
Perceiving his error,
The Rabbi in terror
Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"

Friday, June 23, 2017

2551-2557. Bon Anniversaire to big bro

It was during the 2nd World War
The year was Nineteen Forty Four
That on June twenty-third
Your voice was first heard
And thus began musical lore.

You started piano at six
At Miss Lucas' home in the sticks
Johns Thompson and Schaum
Wrote the books dad and mom
Bought to teach you your digital licks.

At 18 you got into J.
Martin Kanin did polish your play.
You married Miss Ann,
Got your Masters, then ran
Off to teach in far west I-o-way.

Entered Queen E. and wowed the Bruxellians
By now, life with Ann brought rebellions
Thought no one could be colder,
Wed Bev, moved to Boulder,
Much later she joined with the hellions.

But first, life was lovely and blissy
Along came your only child, Chrissie.
She's the pride of your life
Too bad Bev, as a wife,
Became prone to throw fits that were hissie.

And speaking of fit, you've stayed leaner
Than most men your age, also cleaner
You don't cherchez les femmes
Any more, you found glam-
or ascending each Rocky Fourteener.

I could deftly continue to say
How much you've impressed with the way
That you've conquered each pitfall
In life, and let it fall
Aside, now enjoy your birthday!

2550. Off to the clip joint

A man hated to get hard in Coyle
For he had on his dick a large boil
Though he wasn't Jewish
Knew just what to do-ish,
He had it removed by a mohel.

Pop. 352

Thursday, June 22, 2017

2549. He should've bottom a drink first

Some bluenoses walking through Weatherford
Were offended when they altogether heard
A man say, "nice ass"
As he happened to pass.
They weren't very fond of that nether word.

Pop. 11,978

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

2548. Neologistic nickname

An AWAD e-pal challenged me and my fellow Limericks in the Time of Trump authors to rhyme the final word.  I was the only participant, so I guess mine wins!
If you're among 45's henchmen
You'd better not act like a linchpin
Lay low, that's the story
Don't steal Donald's glory
Or else you'll bring out Trumplethinskin.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

2547. Should've C'rest 'em first

A Cherokee badass in Tahlequah
Was constantly looking to foul a maw
With a load of his cum
Squirted on teeth and gum,
If he heard, "No," he might disembowel a squaw.

Pop. 16,741

Monday, June 19, 2017

2546. Gotcha, gaucha!

An Argentine cowgirl named Lola
Got a job on a spread in Pocola.
The ranch foreman said
When he found three calves dead,
"Quit ropin' them cows with that bola!"

Pop. 4K

Sunday, June 18, 2017

2545. Mine would hide like a turtle

There once was an athlete named Jake
Who swam in an ice-laden lake
Though the cold made him shudder
He used for a rudder
His lengthy and thick one-eyed snake.

OP429-431. For men only... Happy Father's Day!

With sunshine and clouds made of cotton
Not a single dad should be forgotten
So today, right on cue
I wish each one of you
Happy Father's Day, do get spoiled rotten!

Ev'ry day, there's a surefire way
To have fun, so just hear what I say:
Read each verse (fill your head)
Even those typed in red
And the archives ain't dead; come and play!

And so even if you're not a dad
Come around anyway, you'll be glad!
With no 'dad' boots to fill
You can read here at will
You've got time you can kill and be bad.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

2544. James 1: 26

Found here... (then scroll to verse 26.)
A pastor with church in Purcell
Wrecked his car, a Toyota Tercel.
When the man saw the damage
That came from the slammage
Townfolk heard that preacher curse well.

Pop. 6,370.

Friday, June 16, 2017

2543. Fit to be tied

A dumb woman in hopes of gestation
Twice per day takes her man on for meshin'
Though they fuck ev'ry chance
No bulge grows in her pants
Prob'ly due to her tubal ligation.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

2542. Recusals and refusals

The committee tried questioning Sessions
His forgetfulness left bad impressions
"Don't recall."  "Don't remember."
Those lips were not limber
And didn't make any confessions.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

2541. A spelling führer

The orange man's tweets, less than leafy,
Include May 31's weird "covfefe"
Was he spelling "kerfuffle?"
It seems that his duffel
Contains words like Mad Mag's "potzrebie."

(Apologies for the near-rhymes.  Then again, who knows how "covfefe" is pronounced?)

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

2540. Durant was due

The Warriors again won it all
Only five games to make Cleveland fall
After showing the door
To three others in four,
Had a 16-1 postseason ball!

OP426-428. A special day today

Happy birthday, you Limerick King
Who is worthy of having a fling
With the gals in your poems
Who sport double D domes
As your hands are their homes while they swing.

I'm so sorry, I'm only a C
So you'd stay far away from li'l me
But keep dreaming up rhymes
And keep ringing those chimes
To keep up the good times; it's all free!

Your humor helps hearts that feel ill
You're much better than most ev'ry pill
For whatever has ailed them
Where happiness failed them
You ought to be hailed 'Dr. Phil'!

Monday, June 12, 2017

2539. They prefer broad jumping

The smallish community, Walters,
Isn't far from
Marlow, home of vaulters.
But when local boys' poles
Become hard, their girls' holes
Become stuffed by those Walters assaulters.

Pop. 2,502

Sunday, June 11, 2017

2538. Just mescaline around

A religious-law-ignorant narco
Learned the truth when he checked Anadarko
In reports that he wrote he
Admitted peyote
Was used ev'ry night in the park, oh.

Pop. 6,717 and known as "Indian Capital of the World."

Saturday, June 10, 2017

2537. Vaht? No Vienna sausages?

A jolly old German named Otto
In the tavern would order some Cotto
Salami and beer
Consumed with great cheer --
That is until Otto got blotto.

Friday, June 9, 2017

2536. Diamonds are a boy's best friend

A gay Chinaman, Ling, from Kingfisher
Sells diamonds so he's a bling disher
To attract local queers
He wears studs in both ears,
It works, too, by making Ling swisher.

Pop. 4,865

Thursday, June 8, 2017

2523-2535. Stepping down without a frown

In this one, crimson is used when my alma mater is mentioned.

We were all caught off guard and said, "Oops!"
Stations' programming got knocked for loops
Yesterday they cut in 

And said, to our chagrin, 
The Sooners are losing Bob Stoops!

The announcement came out of the blue!
Or, in other words, only Bob knew
He was gonna step down
(But remain in the town)
He just felt 'twas the best thing to do.

The word is that he is not ill
Nor will this fall's team be less than bril'
Bob announced, "It is time,
Want to quit in my prime."
He's leaving HUGE Nikes to fill.

That task now befalls Lincoln Riley
An offensive mind thought of highly
On staff just two years
But no reason for fears,
The plays he comes up with are wily.

Now back to Coach Stoops, let's review:
1999, he arrived new
John Blake was a dope
And the fans had lost hope
Young Bobby knew just what to do.

He moved sev'ral players around
The defense he installed was more sound
After four straight bad seasons
The fan base had reasons
To know we were on the rebound.

That first year's team won seven games
Using guys with unusual names
Like Heupel and Hybl
And Torrance.  Q'd nibble
For yards, no more dying in flames.

And then the millenium turned,
Both Nebraska and Texas we burned
Plus K-State in the middle,
This team didn't piddle
Sooner Magic had fully returned!

Undefeated, but FSU, too.
In Miami we met to see who
Would be National Champs
OU gave the 'noles cramps,
Defeating them 13 to 2.

Three years in the following eight
We again played for BCS great-
ness in championship game
But could not ever claim
The top prize, it was just not our fate.

For eighteen years, Bob Stoops has led us,
We fans hungered for wins and he fed us
Fourteen times whipped O-State
'Horns eleven, how great!
No better coach ever did head us.

Though now gone, Bob owes fans no appeasin's
But we think we know one of the reasons...
Didn't want to forsake
Twin sons Isaac and Drake
As they each play their last high school seasons.

I could go on and on but it's tough
Rhyming verses (sometimes off the cuff)
But I think I'll close here,
Let's give one final cheer
For Coach Stoops.  Like you, he's had enough.

2522. Foreskin forecast

An uncircumcised fellow in Stroud
Liked to brag on his dick long and loud
"If you'll join me in bed
I will show you its head!"
He'd say, proud of what hid 'neath its shroud.

Pop. 2,767

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

2517-2521. NCAA Softball Superstars

The Florida team, the 1-seed,
On the championship took a bead
Oklahoma won last year

Played super, well past fear,
Opponents' hype they didn't heed.

Alhough OU was seeded but 10
They played great and they managed to win
Every game in Ok. City.
By showing no pity
Sent 'gator team home to its fen.

In game one, seemed no team would prevail
Seventeen innings 'fore 'gator fail.
Last batter out swinging
No fat lady singing
OU had its own Knighten*-gale.

Game two almost anti-climactic
Each coach dug down deep for a tactic
That would win them the game
Neither team deserves shame
Each played all-out and never didactic.

The 'gators were under the gun
Lose game 2 and go home, that's no fun
But for them things turned tragic
They faced "Sooner Magic"
Now twice in a row OU's won!

*Oklahoma sophomore Shay Knighten was named tournament MVP.

2516. Not at home on the range

A man who lived just outside Blanchard
Bought cattle and land where he ranchered
Really disliked the work,
Many tasks he would shirk
So a cowboy he hired and endantured.

Pop. 8,280

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

2515. Deus ex machina

An oversexed ruler despotic
Desired a contraption robotic
Had his chief engineer
Build him something quite dear;
With hands free, he is auto-erotic.

 That one evokes these two.

Monday, June 5, 2017

2514. You won't leave hungry

SE Oklahoma has long been called "Little Dixie."
"Little Dixie" is where you'll find Krebs
Home of coal miners' offspring, few debs.
Three Italian food places*
But I've seen no traces
Of flags that were flown by the rebs.

Pop. 2,053.  *This one is my favorite! 

Sunday, June 4, 2017

2513. Her "come to Jesus" moment

A Catholic cunt in Okemah
Tried a dildo; it made her a screamah
With her first-time orgasm
She saw a phantasm
And said, "Think I've met my redeemah!"

Pop 3,257

Saturday, June 3, 2017

2512. Black power

The sculptress with name Maya Lin
Was at Yale when her entry did win.
Viet Nam Vets' Memorial
Brought praises uproarial
And tears to each troop's next of kin.

I have visited twice.  It's not a rule, but no one speaks.

Friday, June 2, 2017

2511. Sleeping cutie

In a coma, the virgin lay bedfast
But her long-suff'ring boyfriend was steadfast
One day, spotted his chance;
He slipped out of his pants
And slid into her quim where he bred fast.
Seems only fitting, since a prick is what started it.
Jump to about 2:20 if you get tired of wondering...

Thursday, June 1, 2017

2508-2510. Great Golf

OU's champ of the NCAA!
How super our golfers did play
Conclusion not foregone
That we would beat Or'gon
Who'd won it the previous May.

First McGreevey and Hale each won matches
Their opponents made bogeys in batches
Which helped us a lot
But it still left the plot,
"Which teammate will batten the hatches?"

Without any need for brass knucks
My Sooners did conquer the Ducks
Though his putter got balky
Hurray for Brad Dalke
His victory brought on the yucks!

It's been a great year for OU in minor sports.
Softball -- 2016 NCAA champs and begin defense of our title tonight
Gymnastics -- 2017 NCAA champs (men and women)
Tennis -- men's doubles team won NCAA's last week
Golf -- 2017 NCAA champs

2507. Playin' with plurals

I love when hotels have firm mattresses,
In hockey you might see two hatrices,
But when it comes to blowing
And coming and going
We fellows all love good fellatrices.