Tuesday, May 31, 2016

2104. Game Seven wasn't heaven

The Thunder went crashing in flames
This time, I won't name any names
When the Warriors, with glee,
Began hitting the three
I knew 'twas the last of our games.

Golden State won 96-88 after trailing by 13 in the 2nd Qtr.

2103. From class to crass

We've had QE1, Cath'rine the Great,
Mesdames Meir and Thatcher did rate
And there's Angela Merkel
But we'll come full circle
If Hillary wins Head of State.

"Full circle" -- meaning 'from aweful to awful.'  Please!  Won't someone honest, capable, and likeable run as a 3rd Party candidate?  Bill Bradley, maybe?

Monday, May 30, 2016

2102. Actually, it's every day

On this day we have labeled, "Memorial"
I've become like a sloth that's arboreal
There'll be no sex for me
Might as well climb a tree
Perhaps I should be more dicktatorial.

Sunday, May 29, 2016

2101. We must stop this bully pulpit

Do not question "The Donald's" veracity
Guys may come after you with tenacity
In his crowds of buffoons
There are quite a few goons
Getting paid in a brown shirt capacity

Saturday, May 28, 2016

2100. Wanting to wipe out the Warriors

Golden State plays tonight at the 'Peake*
The Thunder its game plan must tweak
If our shooting's not lame
And we win one more game
We will play versus Cleveland next week.

* Chesapeake Energy Arena, named for the OKC company.

Friday, May 27, 2016

2099. Little girl with a curl?

Engaged in love-making quite torrid
She committed an act that was horrid

In her gut, things weren't fine
As they did sixty-nine
And she shat her loose turds on his forehead.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

2098. But still up 3-2

I'd expected the Warriors would rally
Thunder couldn't climb out of the valley
That they dug through insane
Forays into the lane
Where the GS "D" played cheek-to-jowly.

Most of Westbrook's 7 turnovers came on wild drives.  If he didn't lose the ball, his wild shot attempts were either blocked or way off the mark.  Both he and Durant think they'll be given free throws every time they go flying into the lane.  Didn't happen tonight.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

OP271. It drives me to drink

Actually, I don't drink, but...

"What a waste! There's no taste in it!" Jeez, 
Put a cork in it, wouldn't you, please?
It is really not fine

When you whine about wine
Tell me, sir, are you cheesed about cheese? 

2097. Heckuva guy

My son-in-law's slender like Bono
Loves salsa that's made with serrano
Hits his driver a mile
Which brings him a smile
But his short game is kinda like guano.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

2096. Who said eating out was expensive?

A just-married fellow named Kirk
Leaves his marriage bed only for work
But he comes home for lunch,
Where there's hair pie to munch
Which makes Kirk's new bride come with a jerk.

Monday, May 23, 2016

2095. Up 2-1 on the defending champs

The hometown arena resounded
With cheers as The Thunder rebounded
Green of GS played dirty

We still won by thirty*
The Warriors were fully confounded.

* Actually 133-105 but our lead had reached 39.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

2094. I askew, would you care?

A poor female student, a truant,
Had left and right tits non-congruent
Despite their imbalance
She had two great talents --
At sucks and at fucks she was fluent.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

2093. A toughie

The first name of Barnum was Phineas
Had Jumbo stuffed -- how ignominious!
And back in the day
Put Tom Thumb on display
Who was shorter than stalks of grown zinnias.

"Ignominious" was one of this week's AWADs.

Friday, May 20, 2016

OP270. This one really gets my goat

Well I know of a man, quite complex
Who cannot find a woman for sex
Since his chance is remote
He grabs hold of a goat
And won't care if a witness objects.

The Limericist here...  Dave Reddekopp has (unwittingly?) setup one of the funniest jokes I've ever heard.  Rather than my posting my own limerick today, I'd like to repeat the story.  I hope it doesn't detract from Dave's excellent 5-liner above.

Willie Nelson told this at a concert.  I don't know whether I laughed harder at the punch line or at the fact that he had the cojones to tell it!

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury.  I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat’ll do that for ya." 

Thursday, May 19, 2016

2092. Series tied, and I'm fit to be

The Thunder last night sure did suck
KD had eight turnovers -- yucch!
Defense wasn't sound
And they didn't rebound
To win again, they'll need some luck.

Outscored in every quarter, they lost 118-91 to Golden State.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

2091. And it's free!

My wife was a technophobe type
'Til I got her a download of Skype®
She is no longer meek

"Sees" each kid once a week,
The software lives up to the hype!

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

2090. OKC double-dribbled -- (ribald)

Said Steve Kerr of his wife, "I have lost her!"
But he hadn't the balls to accost her
Knew that he was a cuckold
When she said, "I've suckled
The dicks of the whole Thunder roster."

The Oklahoma City Thunder upset the Golden State Warriors last night.  Steve Kerr, the GSW coach, seems to be one of the nicest (meekest?) coaches in the NBA.

Monday, May 16, 2016

2089. See Dave's comment to #2088

While eating a meal from a dish (new)
I got lonesome and started in wishin' you
Weren't such an Effendi

Who murmurs in Hindi
While worshipping armed gods like Vishnu.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

2088. Embraced by more arms than he wanted

There once was a sailor named Mackin
Who would go up on deck and start jackin'
One day, while not lookin'
And dreamin' of fookin'
Got swept overboard by a kraken.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

PD227-229. Gleaned clean ones

There was an old sculptor named Phidias
Whose knowledge of art was invidious
    He carved Aphrodite
    Without any nightie
Which startled the purely fastidious.

An erotic neurotic named Sid
Got his Ego confused with his Id.
    His errant libido
    Was like a torpedo,
And that's why he done what he did. 

The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called the hen "a most elegant creature"
The hen, pleased with that,
Laid an egg in his hat,
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.

I am overlooking the author's re-use of 'Beecher' due to the cleverness of L5.

OP269. He should cut back on the T

I imagine one could make the case
That the White House will soon be his place
Donald Trump thinks he'll trounce
But he'll never pronounce
The word right when he says he's an ace.

If he's a card, he's the joker.

OP268. Not just young, but flat too

I'm as stubborn as stubborn can be
Show me proof and aloofly I flee
No concessions to science
No facts, just defiance
That's why I remain YEC.

Young Earth Creationist, if you're wondering.  The biblical timeline from creation to the present day is roughly 6000 years.  There are trees, still alive, that have been living longer than that.  The scientific consensus is that the age of the universe is roughly 13.72 billion years old, and the earth is 4.54 billion years old.

But the thing about blind faith is that things like facts and truth are meaningless.  The exact same logic that leads someone to convince themselves the earth is 6000 years old is the logic used for one to believe the earth is flat.  Which the Catholic Church has taught for most of its existence, despite the fact it was proven to be false by the Greeks before Jesus was a thing.  Rant over.

Friday, May 13, 2016

2087. Too much elasticity of demand

Time was that my wife socked it to me
Although these days, my sex life is gloomy
When we (rarely) couple
She's no longer supple
And worse, her vagina's too roomy.

I was an Econ. major.  My title reflects it.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

2086. It's Limerick Day!

Born today was the poet, Ed Lear
They* say 1812 was the year
Could he only look at
What his verse form's begat
At Phil's blog, he'd be blushing, I fear.

*The New York Times published the following today:

 Back Story
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck’d them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree. 

That might sound a bit like Dr. Seuss, but it was written by the British painter and poet Edward Lear, who popularized limerick poems in his “Book of Nonsense” (1846).  He was born on this day in 1812, which is why today is Limerick Day.

The limerick’s name has been traced to France, where an 18th-century Irish Brigade was serving.  The men returned with a song, “Will You Come Up to Limerick?” — an Irish city and county. The chorus may have developed into what became the limerick form, some scholars say.

Lear had been hired to paint an aristocrat’s private menagerie and he came up with his poems to amuse the children in the household. He said he got the idea from an old nursery rhyme.

The five-line poems have an AABBA rhyme scheme, meaning the first, second, and last lines rhyme, as do the third and fourth lines.

The first and second lines introduce a character, activity or setting, while the third and fourth lines are generally shorter to intensify the punch line.

The last line, of course, should be amusing.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

2085. The road less traveled... no wonder

There once was a man named McGrath
Whose life took a different path
Thank God, 'twasn't used
Much, the smell he diffused
Was just ghastly -- he needed a bath.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

2084. Hangin' loose

When you have an attack of the drizzlies
You're as weak as if mauled by some grizzlies
Can't get off o' the pot
And as likely as not
Your poor asshole's on fire with the sizzlies.

Monday, May 9, 2016

2083. Pyongyang harangue

Kim Jong Un gave a speech, raved and ranted
To his minions with eyes which are slanted
Though he's just 33
Hope the free world can see
That we'd better not take him for granted.

On 5/7, Kim stated that N. Korea would not use their nukes unless threatened by another nuclear-armed nation.  As my dear-departed Aunt Marna used to (sweetly) say upon hearing someone tell a bald-faced lie, "I'd believe that, but thousands wouldn't."

Sunday, May 8, 2016

2082. Bully for him!

A teen boy the other kids taunted
Was able to take it undaunted

All those years they were teasing
Their moms he was pleasing,
His prick of twelve inches was vaunted.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

2081. The May 2nd AWAD

A farmer with vineyards from grape seed
Decided to rotate to rape seed
When it bloomed, 'twas so yellow
It made the old fellow
Appear as what's known as a gapeseed.

If you've seen fields of rape, you know what I mean.

Friday, May 6, 2016

2080. Flicks from his flounder

There once was a man from Hong Kong
Who had an unusual dong
It was flat, it was wide
Which made women deride
So he used it for playing ping pong.

The 'backhand flick' is a common table tennis shot.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

2079. Won the battle, lost the war

Even up in Vermont and Ohio
On this date, folks eat pico de gallo
On their beef enchiladas,
Chalupas, tostadas
To celebrate Cinco de Mayo.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

2077-2078. Clear sailing... 'til November

Just yesterday, candidate Cruz
Threw the towel in, supporters have blues
His Tea Party army
To me seemed real smarmy
I thought all along he would lose.

The guy I liked best quit today
Yes, John Kasich no longer will play.
Is The Donald elective?
Can't see how invective
Toward Hillary makes women sway.

In the 2012 POTUS election, 54% of the votes were cast by women.  Surveys estimate that, of women today, 70% of them can't stand Trump.  Unless female voters stay home in droves, I can see no way Trump will win in November.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

2076. Short class reunion

We're riding the train to Ft. Worth
For a day full of friendship and mirth
We are meeting classmates
To quaff drinks, gobble plates
Full of tacos; they'll add to our girth.

I began typing this at 9:00 am this morning.  Had no internet access until just now (when I've returned to my home in Tulsa.)  Thirty-seven graduates of Ada (OK) High School between 1962-1966 gathered at Esperanza's restaurant for a fabulous get-together.

Monday, May 2, 2016

2075. Damned ingrate

Long ago, gave a ride to a runaway
She told me her name was Faye Dunaway
Took her parking, unzipped
But she rapidly quipped,
"I'm not gonna screw; put your gun away."

Sunday, May 1, 2016

2074. Spur-ious basketball

I root for the OKC Thunder
But hate it when they play like dunder
heads.  Losing the ball,
Not much defense at all.
Why can't they use good mentals funder?
I didn't expect my team to win (the Spurs have only lost one game at home all year) but we hardly put up a fight, losing 124-92.