Saturday, April 30, 2016

2073. San Fran man

A man from North Beach, very swish,
Considers himself nouveau riche
He came into his lucre
By charging to sucre
The dicks of guys outside his niche.

Friday, April 29, 2016

2072. Hi, I'm an American customs officer

An immigrant girl named Venuti
Came possessed of a beautiful booty
She first thought it crass
When I fucked her sweet ass
But I told her that it was her duty.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

2071. Unreal housewives, et al.

Reality TV's a farce
The plots and the acting are sparse
Make me say, "What's the deal?
Not one thing's really real."
BRAVO needs a swift kick in the arse.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

2070. Middle-East mashup

Though some people think it's absurd play
I love writing lim'ricks and wordplay
But when I'm in Iraq
I pull out my cock
And eschew any wordplay for Kurd play.

Besides limericks and puns, I like Spoonerisms.  Here's one I made up:

An archæologist working in northern Iraq uncovered a large dinosaur skeleton.  As he was carefully brushing away the millions of years of dirt, two blue-eyed locals walked up. 

One of them said, "That fossil is on our land so we get credit for the discovery." 

"Oh, no,"
replied the scientist.  "I found it so I get the credit." 

The arguing grew more and more heated until, finally, the archæologist grabbed one of the sizable ribs from the carcass and tried killing both the Iraqis with it. 

He succeeded in slaying one, but the other pulled a gun and killed the scientist, who obviously had forgotten that you can't still two Kurds with one bone.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

2069. Has there benadryl in the office?

My wife has been taking some licks
Her body and pollen don't mix
She got quite a shock
When the allergy doc
Told her, "Come in, I'll give you some pricks."

Monday, April 25, 2016

2068. Try, try again

A curious bunch are the Flanagans
As candidates, they pull shenanigans
Each time there's a race
One falls flat on his face
Which has brought them the nickname, "The Ran Agains."

Sunday, April 24, 2016

2067. Teenaged boys are all jerks

There's a pubescent fellow named Hank
Whose fav'rite pastime is to wank
Before shooting semen
Of Scarlett* he's dreamin'
And you can take that to the bank.

(Well, perhaps the sperm bank...)

*Not O'Hara -- Johansson!

Saturday, April 23, 2016

PD222-226. Makes my 2000+ seem paltry

These were lifted from a website claiming to have 95,000 limericks!  I've chosen a few on movies, including authors.

Report on a flick starring Brad:
His acting - incredibly bad;
His lines - mainly dirty,
The ingenue - purty,
The sex scenes - completely unclad.

    --- Armand Singer

When his plane hit a storm and crash-landed,
Tom Hanks found that he had been stranded.
All signs pointed toward
Yet another award,
But the Oscars left him empty-handed.

    --- Anon

An underwear maker named Kurtz
Said, "One movie with Clark Gable hurts.
When he shows up bare chested,
It's clearly suggested
That he-men don't wear undershirts."

    --- A N Wilkins

Two critics called Ebert and Siskel
Are giants in film matters fiscal.
If they up their thumbs,
A huge audience comes,
If they down them, a movie may risk all.

    --- Prof M-G

Many Oscar results should be tossed --
The Academy must have been sauced.
Hoffman won the thing twice:
"Rain" and "Kramer", that's nice.
But it hurts that his "Tootsie" role lost.

    --- Larry Hollister

Friday, April 22, 2016

2066. I screw just like I putt*

At golf, all my putts I am laggin'
My energy's certainly flaggin'
Pride is no longer swole
I can't get in the hole

Either way -- yeah, my putz is a'saggin'.

* Too short and not hard enough.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

2065. Doin' the varsity drag?

A flapper who thought it no crime
To dance nude put on music sublime
Her left areola
Caught in the Victrola
Much screaming was heard in cut time.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

2064. Sorry to ague on

A Dutchman who worked at The Hague
Was challenged to eat a raw egg
He got salmonella
Which caused him to bella
And suffer like he had the plague.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

2063. Don't leave with no tres 'til I sinko

Chicanas with monster bazingas
Inspire me to squeeze with my fingas
And I hope these gals Spanish
Will choose not to vanish
Until we have had a few chingas.

Monday, April 18, 2016

2062. Akin to Caitlyn

A transgendered 'guy' (once named Wilt)
Can no longer spill any milt
He now goes through life
With a frustrated wife
Don't know how she can live with that gilt.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

2061. He offed at least 30!

That serial killer, Ted Bundy,  
Was born in Vermont on a Monday
We'd have had much less pain
If they'd driven to Maine
And drowned Ted in the cold Bay of Fundy.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

2060. Was it good for you?

A husband was very morose
To the point he became lachrymose
He'd thought fucking his wife
Just might give her some life
But the woman remained comatose.

Friday, April 15, 2016

2059. Deluvian Peruvian

There once was a rascal from Lima
Whose erections were muy suprema
When he'd get a swelled pud
It was not due to blood
But was simply a case of edema.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

2058. Formula I might be safer

We're deep in the big heart of Texas
The way the folks drive can sure vex us
They get right on your ass
If you don't speed, they'll pass
On the right, in a pickup or Lexus.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

2057. Idyll with an idiom

An Egyptian's wife came from near Kush
And she loved his cock deep in her bush
With a cheek in each hand
She'd hold on -- it felt grand!
But the fucking beat two on his tush.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

2056. Great pork ribs, too!

After eating enough for a trio
We spent Monday night in Del Rio
Lunched in Lockhart at Smitty's
Their 'cue had no grittys
How good was it?  Oh my, oh mio!

Lockhart, TX is hailed as "The Capital of Texas Barbecue."  The town of fewer than 10,000 has three restaurants/markets, each claiming to be the best.  I'd be interested in returning some day to try Black's or Kreuz', though I have trouble believing slow-cooked, smoked brisket could be any better than what we ate (and ate, and ate) yesterday.

Monday, April 11, 2016

PD221. Often true

I told her, "Your bank account's knotted,
You've spent so much more than alloted."
She said with a yawn,
"I'm not overdrawn,
It's just simply an under-deposit!"

Sunday, April 10, 2016

2055. Texas Hospitality

We're staying in Texas near Burnet
With friends C.B. and Claire (didn't earn it)
They're totally gracious
With lovely home spacious
If you get invited, don't spurn it.

Saturday, April 9, 2016

2054. A stand-up guy

I drove out to a farm to get laid
Having heard 'bout their hot-to-trot maid
But my eyesight is failing;
As I began flailing
That piece of ass suddenly brayed.

Friday, April 8, 2016

2053. Wish this one did

The limerick rarely disguises
Itself as a poem worth prizes
I have written a few
And have learned it is true
That the good ones should end with surprises.

OP267. Oral fixation

A young alcoholic named Vic
Bared it all with his therapist, Rick

After meeting this queer
He would give up the beer
But he now is addicted to dick.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

2052. Vermilion verses

I try very hard not to fail ya
With quotidian lines to regale ya
Those in red may have tits,
Perhaps farts, even shits,
Oh!  And women's and men's genitalia.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

2051. Yes, we'll still need you, 'tho you're 64!

It's the birthday of bro 'OkieJokey'
And this lim'rick is gonna be hokey
     Though he's now sixty-four
     He is never a bore
But I doubt he can be much less pokey.

Steve is a fine limericist in his own write.  (Since my title alludes to The Beatles I felt I could borrow that from John.)  Steve has made many clever comments here over the years, plus all of these 'OP' entries -- 65, 77, 78, 111, 128, 141, 143, 155, 158, 159, 160, 164, 165, 170, 255 -- are his.  You'll find several others if you browse Aug. '11 thru Mar. '12.

When I began planning to publish a book of my stanzas, Steve wrote this excellent one for me to use:

Meritorious books feature Forewords
Authors list raisons d’être and core words
    But when all’s said and done
    Readers jump to Page One
And omit those superfluous bore words.

And so, Steve, please know how you're loved by noting that I indented my L3-4!

2050. Double whammy

To a whorehouse a man one night trucked
Chose a girl, soon their clothes were all shucked
When he got home at dawn
Found his wallet was gone
So in two ways, the fellow got fucked.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

2049. Hi-yo Silver, away!

Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear...
As a kid, how I loved The Lone Ranger!
Never once did he back down from danger
With faithful friend, Tonto,
He righted wrongs pronto
Hurrah for that mighty masked stranger.

In the early 50's, we'd listen to the radio show.  Some of my love for music stems from first hearing The William Tell Overture then, plus bits from other composers.

Monday, April 4, 2016

2048. Epee back for his rapier wit

One afternoon, while feeling bored,
A fencer did something untoward
He chose his best foil
(Thought he'd be his own mohel)
And gored his poor dick with the sword.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

2047. "Beavery careful"

The girls' school dean never delayed
Saying this to each incoming maid,
"When on dates, use a tether
To keep thighs together,
Ensuring they cannot be splayed."

Saturday, April 2, 2016

2046. Inflammatory behavior

To a drugstore a whore came a'rollin'
(The prescription she had had been stolen)
She drove thru the portico,
Picking up cortico-
Steroids.  Her snatch ached from trollin'.

Using the word 'had' consecutively in L2 reminded me of an orthographic challenge I was given almost 60 years ago.  Punctuate this sentence so that it makes sense:
Smith where Jones had had had had had had had had had had had the teacher's approval.
Put your answer in a comment.  

Friday, April 1, 2016

2045. Sunscreen or umbrella?

On occasion, hot, dry weather rules
Other years rain leaves yard full of pools
Perhaps God has rehearsed,
"Desiccate or immersed?"
And that's why it is called "April Fools."