Saturday, January 31, 2015

PD179-180. Aged past perfection

Said a horrid old hag, "Look here, honey.
I know that I’m wrinkled and funny,
But get me in bed
With a sack on my head
And I’ll give you a run for your money."

There was an old maiden named Grissing
Who discovered what she had been missing.
When she laid on the sod,
She cried out, "Oh, Dear God!
All these years I just used it for pissing!"

Friday, January 30, 2015

1601. Putting the T after LGB

The quim of The Queen of Quemoy
Is there so as not to annoy;
A doc used a cleaver

To create that beaver
Where once hung the dong of a boy.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

1600. Let's put on a show!

A Libyan farmer, ben Jairi,
Milks camels, those humped things so hairy
With the beasts out to graze
All his kids put on plays
In the barn, quite a fine drama dairy.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

1599. Desert pharm

There once was a gal from Dubai
Whose pussy was hairy and dry
She used an exfoliant
Also, an emollient
Same problems?  Well, give 'em a try!

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

1597-1598. Enough local geography

These will likely be the last two on Oklahoma towns.

A Japanese man from Owasso
Was trained as an opera basso
When his teacher said that,
"You're a little bit flat"
He took it quite well and said, "Ah, so."

Owasso is a 'burb of Tulsa with 29,000 folks.

The small city known as El Reno
Is home to a Cheyenne* casino

With blackjack and lots
Of machines known as slots
Even poker, but doesn't have keno.

Tribal casinos are everywhere in Oklahoma!  Over 100 at last count.

*Actually, it's labeled 'Cheyenne-Arapahoe.'

Monday, January 26, 2015

1596. I myth my old hometown

A rascal's girlfriend down in Ada
Said, "Show me just what you are made o'."

So he dressed like a swan,
Took her out on the lawn
And then screwed her as if she were Leda.

Pop. about 17K, I was born and reared (not that way) in Ada.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

1595. The natives are restless

OU is located in Norman
Its football team kinda went dorman'
This year, lost its game
With O-State, fans exclaim,
"Coach Stoops is in need of a corpsman!"
Stoops fired several coaches after the 8-5 season but HE was the brain dead one vs. OSU.

*In the military, corpsman is short for 'medical corps man.'

Saturday, January 24, 2015

1594. A stalag mite suit him

An unmarried deacon from Duncan
Likes his trouser snake best when it's sunken
Deep in some gal's cave;
I suggest that this knave
Either quit church or do real spelunkin'.

Pop. 23K, it was Halliburton's HQ for 60+ years.

1592-1593. Two stinkers

A woman who lives outside Fitzhugh
Won't ever let out her small Shih Tzu
So should you come to call
Be prepared for a fall
When she opens the door the smell hits you.

Tiny Fitzhugh has 258 persons.

A Bartlesville person's a Bartian
The ones I've met prob'ly weren't Martian
But I have known a few
Whose bodies were pewwww!
They should have used soap when a'washin'.

It's true -- some Okies pronounce wash as warsh. 
Bartlesville, pop. 39K, is home to Phillips 66.

Friday, January 23, 2015

1591. Quick kick or "Shoe, you!"

A salesman attempted to fuck a
Shopkeeper down in Wapanucka
She sold boots and shoes
And was quick to refuse
Him by kicking his nuts with her chukka.

WAH-puh-NUCK-uh has 876 soles (that's 438 souls.)

Thursday, January 22, 2015

1590. Old fogey

I know of a man in Muskogee
Who always is seen with a stogie
But as we've been taught
He doesn't smoke pot
He'd like to, but it makes him logy.

Pop. 40,000, it was made famous by Merle Haggard's song.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

1589. Baleful result to boll you over

There once was a lassie from Lawton
Who plugged up her coozie with cotton
This kept her from flowing
But germs began growing
Which soon turned her uterus rotten.

At 100,000, Lawton is our 5th largest city and is home to Ft. Sill.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

1588. Here's a java script

If it's coffee you want in Wewoka
Don't expect that you'll find any mocha
They have no Mickey D's
And no Starbucks, so please,
If you want a good kick, chew some coca.

Wewoka is the Tribal HQ of the Seminole Nation.

Monday, January 19, 2015

1587. No spindly spindle

There once was a man from McAlester
Whose dong was as strong as a baluster
It pleased his wife greatly
When he'd get inflate-ly
And she'd nearly faint when he phallused 'er.

McAlester is home to the Oklahoma State Penitentiary.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

1586. Lard legs

There is a large woman from Ardmore
Who fries fish and chicken with lard (more
Than thought of as wise)
It goes straight to her thighs
I'm thinkin' her health she should guard more.

Ardmore is a city of about 25,000 in southern Oklahoma.   As a new theme, I'm going to do posts rhyming the names of some towns in this state where I live.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

1585. Will power

The fam'ly black sheep wasn't privy
To the way that the lawyers did divvy
His daddy's estate;
Learned that he didn't rate
When his share was a broken-down Chevy.

Friday, January 16, 2015

1584. Reticent roué

An expert young cocksman named Steadham
Spends his life wooing girls just to bed 'em
When one comes to his room
Conversations don't loom
He has only two words to say: "Spread em!"

Thursday, January 15, 2015

1583. Ai-yi-yi-yi

There once was a fellow from Quito
Who called his girl friend "Cielito"
Which can mean "little sky"
But was used by this guy
To get laid 'stead of beating his meat, oh!

Cielito is also Spanish slang for "sweetie."

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

1582. Fret threat

A guitarist in York, Pennsylvania
Would incessantly play Malagueña
Guy in the next flat
Beat his door, yelling that,
"If you don't change your tune I will brain ya!"

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

1581. Duty-free sex

There once was a husband named Griffin
Whose spouse he was constantly miffin'
For when chores would abound
He was never around
But could always be found when he'd stiffen.

Monday, January 12, 2015

1580. Oregon just won the coin toss

The Ducks and the Bucks are in Dallas
To play for the Champions' Chalice
They just took the field
All eyes are now peeled
To see which team can show the most malice.

The Univ. of Oregon Ducks are about to battle the Ohio State Univ. Buckeyes for the National Championship of American college football.

1579. Lovers lain

Two teens (overcome by their passion)
Climbed in the back seat, began thrashin'
A cop came along,
Saw her snatch 'round his dong
And proceeded to give a tongue lashin'.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

1578. Gagging Fag

A gigolo known as Big Luke
Had a johnson the size of a cuke
When a homo named Reggie
Would order this veggie
Luke filled up his throat 'til he'd puke.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

1577. Piranha from Tirana

A wastrel named Walt from Gibraltar
Claimed he'd never be dragged to the altar
But then an Albanian
Woman caused Walter to falter.

Friday, January 9, 2015

PD167-178. The Farter from Sparta

Here's my favorite multi-stanza limerick.  That the author broke with anæpestic tri-meter in verses 7-8 doesn't even bother me any more.
There was a young fellow from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart God Save The Queen,
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.

This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom, er-tum, tootle, yum tah-dah!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-Major.

His repertoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.

His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the March Militaire.

One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.

It went off in capital style,

And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.

His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, a Martyr."

Thursday, January 8, 2015

1576. Bilateral a'gleement

What a wonderful thing is the breast
There are two upon ev'ry girl's chest
And men need no talents
To see that this balance
Works best for a titty-fuck fest.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

1575. Spurious spokeswoman

I once knew a girl, Iris Gerson,
In name, an Hebraic-type person
But if she got pissed
All religions got dissed
And the world never heard such foul cursin'.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

1574. Had she had a Transylvanian transfusion?

Mrs. Horowitz always grew paler
When Vladimir's pecker would nail 'er
Her blood needed plasma
But mainly, her asthma
Would make her beg, "Vlad, the inhaler!"

Wanda Horowitz was also the daughter of conductor Arturo Toscanini.

Monday, January 5, 2015

1573. Prairie prankster

Two black girls from U.S.A.O
To the town tattoo parlor did go
When the artist said, "pick a shade"
They knew they'd been Chickasha'd
For ebony ink wouldn't show.

The University of Science and Arts of Oklahoma, formerly Oklahoma College for Women, is a small co-educational school in Chickasha (say "shay" not "shaw.")

Sunday, January 4, 2015

1572. Limited skill(et) set

There once was a sous chef named Davy
Who spent every day making gravy
He couldn't get out of it,
It caused him to shout of it,
"I roux the day I joined the navy."

Or maybe he was a rue chef...

Saturday, January 3, 2015

OP161. Filled to the brim

The horniest whore on the firmament
Seeks a state of arousal that's permanent

She gets penetration
Until saturation

So each hole can fit no more sperm in it.

1571. You're ghana go blind

When women from African lands
Don't cover their mammary glands
Boys from Juneau to Rio
Sneak National Geo
To bathroom and work with their hands.

Friday, January 2, 2015

1570. Tongue in cheek?

There once was a lezzie named Lizzie
Whose nights with her mate were kept busy
Shedding bras, pants and stuff
Thus exposing each muff
And then licking of clits until dizzy.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

1569. Syne-ing off

Two thousand fourteen is now past
I lived it right up 'til the last
My biggest complaint
Is the fact that I ain't
Seen a year disappear so damned fast.

And the older I grow, the faster they go...  Anybody else feel as if someone has widened the neck of your hour glass?