Saturday, October 31, 2015

1882. Would I Shih Tzu?

Most store watchdogs in China allow
You to purchase a sword known as "dao"
But unlike a sharpei
Just take it as Carpe
Diem when you hear growl of chow.

Friday, October 30, 2015

1881. Insatiable itinerant

A Polish call-girl used all modes
Of transport to reach johns' abodes
And one town in particular
Got visits vehicular
It's said that she took on all
I really wanted that pun to rhyme, but Lodz is pronounced, "Wootch" (sort of.)  Shall I take a Pole on whether to leave it?

Thursday, October 29, 2015

1879-1880. Ennui go

A very bored spinster named Schmidt
Told a suitor, "Sex ain't worth a shit.
I suppose if you want
You may lap at my cunt
But I won't get turned on, not one bit."

Well, he took up the challenge and licked
Even checked if she liked being dicked
But despite his travails
She lay buffing her nails
As her smoldering cig'rette she flicked.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

1878. A musing for Mac

A good friend and drinking buddy (neither often nor much) went to the hospital Monday night with a blood clot in his lung!  I visited him Tuesday and delivered this poem. 

Heard you had ‘pulmonary thrombosis’
Hope it can’t be passed on thru osmosis!
‘Cause I’ve brought you this poem,
Now get up and show ‘em
You haven’t acquired (yet) cirrhosis!

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

1877. Lackademia

At a college, it's "Publish or Perish"
So long as the books don't embarrish.
One with lim'ricks like mine
Would be way out of line
They are dirty or silly or garish.

Monday, October 26, 2015

1876. Dark days, those...

The centennial of US birth
Didn't bring on a whole lot of mirth
With finances in panic

'Twas not 'til Titanic
That something came worse on this earth.

The Panic of 1873 lasted at least six more years.  This was known as "The Great Depression" until Oct. 29, 1929 began the ten-year-long crisis which usurped the label.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

1875. For blackmail or evaluation?

A hooker from West Lithuania
Performed ev'ry act with a mania
Fucked and sucked in her car
Filmed with old VCR
And re-played on a beat-up Sylvania.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

1874. What a cretan!

A vulgar performer from Crete
Whose act was a bit indiscreet

Would take off his shoes
To a chorus of boos
And then jack himself off with his feet.

Friday, October 23, 2015

1872-1873. Precautions at Kitty Hawk

Wright brothers set up on Cape Hatteras
Will asked, "What if rain storms should batter us?"
Orville said in reply,
"Oh, don't sweat it.  Let's fly.
We came here so people would flatter us!"

"But what if the winds really tatter us?"
Said Wilbur, "Or worse, kill and scatter us?
Orv: "If comes hurricane
Then to hell with our plane
We'll go hide ourselves under a matteress!"

Thursday, October 22, 2015

1871. Rejuvenated? We'll see...

I took some days off, feeling dumb
And enslaved, as if under a thumb
For words, at a loss,
If they came, seemed like dross
Four days later, fuck that!  Here I come!

Sunday, October 18, 2015

1869-70. The well is dry (temporarily?)

This 'blog has become quite a test
So I'm taking some days off to rest
Look for me in a bar
'Cause I need R&R
If you want me to rhyme at my best

Yes, I think it is time to refrain
From the everyday strain on my brain
Caused by writing these poems
About such and so ums

Else you'd flush my crap down the drain.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

OP222. What a crafter!

Reader Suzanne from Nanaimo, B.C. on Vancouver Island had this comment to #1869:
Another big round of more laughter
Beats another big round of drinks after
You're able to rhyme
Teach at the same time
You're a scholar who helps those much dafter.

 Thanks, SuzYou've written an awesome verse!

Friday, October 16, 2015

OP221. Turning Twix

The word of the week at Mad's is "score".  Homonyms are allowed.

"Oh, Henry", says Candy, the whore
She Snickers, "Would you like to Skor?

For a modest PayDay
You'll have your Milky Way."
But his Aero has hurt her; she's sore.

1868. Sucked in

My girlfriend is dumb, how propitious!
For I told her that sperm is nutritious
Well, she swallowed that line
And my wad, which was fine
'Cause she now thinks my semen's delicious!

Thursday, October 15, 2015

1867. No more outraging pubic decency

Bluenoses thought Playboy was rude
For exposing girls totally nude
But according to Hef
The gals now will be lef'
With some clothes on (I hope just a snood.)

Actually, it was according to Scott Flanders, the company's chief executive.  He said that the onslaught of Internet pornography has made the nude images in Playboy "passé."

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

1866. Mammorial

My wife shan't be laid to her rest
We've agreed that cremation is best
I wrote this: "Undertaker,
Before you should bake 'er
One thing -- will you keep me abreast?"

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

1865. King of curmudgeons

Eighteen sixty five gets people thinkin'
Of the endings of war and of Lincoln
And had we all been born
Could have read words of scorn
From acerbic newsman H. L. Mencken.

Once again, my verse's number has influenced its subject matter.  Incidentally, Mencken wasn't born until 1880.

Monday, October 12, 2015

1864. Rosie: Can't rivet 'er

A woman in heavy construction
Would give horny workers some suction
In the cab of her truck
But she never would fuck
Due to fear it might cause reproduction.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

1863. Bathtub racing? Weird!

Reader Suzanne is from a city on Vancouver Island.  Google my final word to understand(?) the title.
Label makers from company DYMO
Might be used in commission of crime, oh!
They resemble a gun
With a trigger that's fun
For creating town names like 'Nanaimo.'

OP220. The solution to our gun problem

How many more lives must we lose?
Someone's shot every day on the news
So I think, just for fun
I should take every gun
And instead swap them out for some gnus.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

PD198. Dave's OP216 reminded me of this

There once was a woman named Pratt
Who had triplets named Tom, Tit, and Tat
Much fun was the breeding,
The trouble was feeding
For there was just no tit for tat.

PD197. Welcome, Suzanne!

Though this one's from the Public Domain, today's titular (don'tcha love that word?) honoree -- a Canuck -- should be posting here soon. 

There once was a maid in Vancouver
Whose mouth was a 100-amp Hoover
She did her jobs well
But men found they were hell
Once she finished they couldn't remove her.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

1862. Asian invasion

I'm watching the President's Cup
Only one USA team is 'up'
They can hit the greens, but
Seems that no Yank can putt --
As in Ryder, our butts they may whup.

US led 4-1 after Day 1.  As of this writing, (halfway thru Day 2) the five matches stand 1-3-1, with the 3 belonging to the Int'l. team.
My title is misleading -- most of the damage is being done by Aussies and South Africans.

1861. Tres gay play

Joe picked up a queer; 'though 'twas reckless, he
Saw something he didn't expect to see
When the fag did fellate
He was really top-rate
With a tongue-stud that left Joe in ecstasy.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

OP218-219. Welcome, Zelda!

I've gained many penpals through AWAD One of them is an 83-year-old American woman now living in Israel.
AWAD's theme this week is 'birds' and Zelda plans to submit these to the weekly compendium.  I think they'll get ink!

I never had heard of the gannet
So I typed it in Google and ran it.
Whether human or avian
At food it's 'behavian'
Disgustingly.  I say, let's ban it.

The plump, long-billed bird called the snipe
Gave its name to a mean, sneaky type
Of a shot or attack
Or a stab in the back,
Though the snipe's not a bird of that stripe.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

1860. With aplomb and a palm

There once was a fellow named Greene
Whose dick had a marvelous sheene
He did it by stroking
(You may think I'm joking)
It twelve times a day -- how obsceene!

Monday, October 5, 2015

1857-1859. Ducks redux

Like oysters?  First someone must shuck
Before off the half-shell you can suck
To avoid a fiasco
Don't add much Tabasco
Or into the restroom you'll duck.

Need insurance for when you've no luck?
Are you tired, as I am, of that duck?
Yes, the fowl from Aflac
Makes us all want to whack
It.  (That gecko too -- both of them suck.)

If you're poor as that old Friar Tuck
But you're planning a dinner of duck
There's a place to buy wine
That is cheap but tastes fine --
Trader Joe's, where they sell Two Buck Chuck.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

1856. I canardly believe I said it

Took my date to Le Cirque (hoped to fuck)
Waiter asked, "Would you care for the duck?"
I replied with a jest
And said, "Only if pressed"
Which increased my post prandial luck.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

1855. Coach Tomlin was more at fault

The Steelers' place-kicker named Scobee
Twice kicked the ball left (toward Nairobi)
Ravens shoulda been done
But Josh ruined our fun
For a kicker, I'd rather have Kobe.

Last Thursday night was a debacle.

Friday, October 2, 2015

1854. Another 'chow' entry

After eating five plates of Kung Pao
Constipation attacked Chairman Mao
When to john he would strut
Only farts would he cut --
The Chinese term for it's 'hung chow.'

Thursday, October 1, 2015

OP217. By Tim James via Mad Kane's site

The contest challenge this week is to rhyme chow or ciao.  I am no seer, but something tells me this one will be the winner, even though my #1850 and Dave's OP215 are solid entries.  Mr. James is just one of several worthy competitors THERE.

For a call girl she likes simple chow
But she charges a grand to drop trou
For a night’s worth of vice.
Here’s her totaled-up price:
Jug of wine, loaf of bread, and a thou.