Tuesday, September 30, 2014

1477. Yiddish for doormat?

There once was a husband, a mensch,
Who was wed to the worst kind of wench
She'd sneak out and hunt
For new dicks for her cunt
Never douching -- oh, my, what a stench.

Monday, September 29, 2014

1476. Ragged individualists

Team Europe again won the cup --
The Ryder -- we just don't stand up.
Our scorecards have more sums
When we play at Foursomes
i.e, taking turns on "who's up."

It's also called "Alternate Shot" and the US sucks at it, losing that segment of the competition 7-1.  Europe won the individual matches 6½ to 5½.  The US did manage to win the Fourball segments 5-3.  That's when each golfer plays his own ball and the best score of a 2-person team is counted vs. the other team's best.

PD160. Hard to miss at 300+ pounds

They say that ex-president Taft
When hit by a golf ball, once laughed
And said, "I'm not sore,
But although he called, 'Fore',
The place where he hit me was aft."

Saturday, September 27, 2014

1475. Perhaps why they're called stones

A man with the mumps, name of Leach
Let his illness get clear out of reach
Suffered pain in his back
From the nuts in his sac

Which had swollen to weigh one stone each!
(In the UK, a weight of 'one stone' equals 14 pounds.)

Friday, September 26, 2014

1474. Daisy Crockett?

This sounds a bit like one of Edward Gorey's...
There once was a woman from Boone
Who decided her car to festoon
To antenna she tied
Part of something that died --
The tail of her once pet raccoon.

OP157. Abstinence my ass

When young girls take the Bible's words literally
They take vows of chastity, bitterly
But they locate a loophole
Pushing pricks through their poop hole
Though they'll never take any cock clitorally.

Abstinence programs encourage girls to take a pledge that they won't have sex before marriage.  Many of these girls try to get around it by rationalizing that it only counts if it's in the vagina.  So oral and anal are okay...  I'm sick of all this religious pseudo-sex-ed.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

1473. Cowl licks

A grad student queer at U.T.
Disserted, "The Gayness of Me"
And he got no quarrels
When, during his orals,
Defended the fact Q.E.D.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

1472. Stand-up guy

On YouTube, I love watching Carlin
He was always the neo-left's darlin'
He made no apologies
And brought etymologies
To millions with voice that was snarlin'.

Click One of George's best sketches ... and it's totally clean! 

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

1471. Sappy

Today is the first day of Fall
But our oaks have shed no leaves at all
Equinox called Autumnal
Means soon, trees will summ'n all
Their xylem and phloem juice to stall.

1470. What handicap?

A man in a wheelchair named Cade
Of the bar scene was never afraid
Although paralytic
His drive sybaritic
Insured that he always got laid.

Monday, September 22, 2014

1469. Dongo drummer

An oddball percussionist, Mick,
Was born with a split in his dick
He went to the Congo
And learned to play bongo
Drums with his bifurcated prick.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

1468. Zonked when I wrote this

Don't hit your girl's car with a conch
The shell might impart a bad bonk
Though it has lovely nacre
It's liable to make 'er
Run over you without a honk.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

1467. Setting your cock to the right time

There once was a hooker named Molly
Who kept a strict schedule in Raleigh
Before supper, dongs
Were sucked like Scuppernongs*
Not 'til after did fucks make men jolly.

*Large white grapes -- the state fruit of North Carolina

Friday, September 19, 2014

1466. Low humor

An old Harley biker named Clyde
Really knew how to give gals a ride
He engaged his transmission
For better coition
And labeled himself, "Super Glide."

Thursday, September 18, 2014

1465. Kidney punch punch

A boxer who hailed from Vienna
Was handed a cup to pee inna
He'd recently fought
And the liquid he brought
Back was colored much like burnt sienna.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

1464. Not a simple pimple

A woman from Stroud, Oklahoma
Had one tit with a putrid aroma
It offended the rhino
Of even her gyno
Who labeled the cause, "papilloma."

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

1463. Encumbered slumber

I wish I could sleep through the night
But all old guys, I hear, share my plight
My bladder won't last
And I cannot pee fast
Though it helps if I go to bed tight.

Monday, September 15, 2014

1462. Phenix rising

A corporal down at Ft. Benning
Enjoys trips off post for some sinning
When his dick gets all stiff
And then enters a quiff
It doesn't take long 'til he's grinning.

Ft. Benning is located in Columbus, Georgia. It is just across the state line from Phenix City, Alabama.  During the 1940s-50s, Phenix City was off-limits to soldiers due to all the organized crime, prostitution and gambling centered there.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

1461. The A word?

I thought you were s'posed to get sage
When you grew to a certain ripe age...
But I'm so forgetful

I rage and am fretful
Whenever my brain won't engage.

I'm 68 and sometimes find it difficult to recall names of people, movies, places, etc., or to voice the word I want.  My 'old' friends do, too, so perhaps it's a normal geriatric problem.  Besides, the word or name comes to me.... eventually.... usually....

Saturday, September 13, 2014

1460. Pooling their resources

Teen Fred enjoys auto-eroticism
But not just because it yields paroxysm
After yanking his doodle
He jacks off his poodle
For he likes to see a whole lotta jism.

Friday, September 12, 2014

1459. Ben Dover and take it

Elevator sales might leave you miffed
If, on a huge bid, you got stiffed
Suppose that the POTUS
Demanded, "just Otis"

But you sold the brand "Schindler's Lift?"
POTUS is an acronym for President of the United States.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

OP156. The reason why he never wore pants

Claimed a reprobate Pekin named Don:
“My old Daisy ain’t all I’ve been on.
     While there’s not hardly any

     As good as Miss Minnie,
My favorite is Bambi, the fawn.”

          Dedicated to D.D.“Duck”G.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

PD159. Not the straight poop

That marvelous wit, Dorothy Parker, may have inspired this one:
There was an old fellow of Pittwood
Who never was able to shit good.
He'd leave small deposits
On shelves and in closets,
As a very small pup or a kit would.

Her poem, Despair in Chelsea, reads
    Osbert Sitwell
    Is unable to evacuate his bowels properly
    His brother, Sacheverell,
    Doubts if he ever'll.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

1458. Parting really is sweet sorrow

We're headed back to our abode
It's one thousand miles there by road
We've been gone fourteen days
And loved both of our stays
But now rental van we must load.

Monday, September 8, 2014

1457. The doggy-days of summer

I love having sex from the back
I can watch my dick enter her crack
And when she's thus ridden
Her face remains hidden
A plus versus frontal attack.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

1456. A-psalting your senses

An old Jewish cantor named Hyman
Chants syllables which are not rhymin'
His unsteady rhythm
Means no one sings with 'im
Since he has lost all sense of timin'.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

1455. Chastity Celt

A virgin from Belfast named Weems
Would date only gay men, it seems
This insured that her cherry
Remained ordinary
'Til she met the man of her dreams.

Friday, September 5, 2014

1454. Necessary evils, I suppose

Last night, watched the first NFL
Game this season; both teams performed well.
Now don't get me wrong
But the games are too long
Thanks to replays and crap they must sell.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

1453. Clap dance?

There once was a good lookin' stripper
Whose pubes were all shaved by a clipper
Like Lady Godiva
She'd bring on saliva
And fuck after hours if you'd tip 'er.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

1452. No chick peas, please

Near the Mediterranean, hummus
Is common, but please, take it from us!
Maybe men named Alonzo
Eat paste of garbanzo
But I'd just as soon chew on pumice.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

PD158. Damn Stroker

There was a young student named Jones
Who'd reduce any maiden to groans
By his wonderful knowledge
Acquired in college
Of nineteen erogenous zones.

Monday, September 1, 2014

1450. South bound

We're ready to head for Annapolis
The sun on the wharf there will dapple us
They won't have sand dabs
But we may eat some crabs

And the waiter had better not Snapple us!

Breakfast this morning consisted of scrambled eggs and scrapple, which may have spurred today's rhymes.  I'm hoping it doesn't spur anything else...