Wednesday, November 30, 2016

2313. Grey area

Many gals over 80 are doin' it
Leave it in fifteen minutes or ruin it
Wow, the head is amazing!

You do know my phrasing
Refers to their hair when they're bluin' it?

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

2311-2312. Econ. 101

The GOP gave us "The Donald"
Too bad he's not charming like Ronald
(That's Reagan --- quite nice ---
But his tax cuts failed twice.)
Let's hope in four years Don is "gonald."

Besides the fact Trump is a jerk
In his brains naught from Keynes seems to lurk.
With his damned fickle frown
He'll propose "Trickle-down
Economics."  Been tried.  Didn't work.

Monday, November 28, 2016

2310. Non-slip surface

He withdrew as he fucked Nellie Bly
She asked him, "Is something awry?"

The man said with a snort,
"My dear, life's too short
To put up with pussy that's dry."

Saturday, November 26, 2016

2308-2309. The lacker cabinet

Trump's filling his cabinet fast
Blacks and Muslims will be more harassed
Named his A.G., Jeff Sessions,
Who ought make confessions
For racial slurs cast in the past.

For Security, Flynn is adviser
With McFarland as dep.  (Dems despise 'er)
White House Counsel's McGahn
All are Irish; Trump Man
Must think there's no ethnicity wiser.

Trump had already tapped retired Army Gen. Michael Flynn as his national security adviser.  Friday he chose Fox News analyst Kathleen "KT" McFarland to serve as Flynn's deputy, and campaign attorney Donald McGahn as White House counsel.

Friday, November 25, 2016

OP373-375. Thanksgiving Aftermath

Forgive me Lord, though I have sinned
For I ate too much, then I broke wind
And if that makes you cranky
Just spank me, don't thank me
Though under my blanky, I grinned!

This feast gave me physical power
As I hiccupped and burped for an hour
Then suddenly - vomit!
Shot out like a comet
I dropped the F-bomb, it was dour.

You can dress me, but can't take me out
I'll embarrass you badly, no doubt
I would stay home if only
You weren't so lonely
So go ahead, phone me, don't pout!

2307. Imagine the corona* created

While smoking his trademark cheroot
Clint Eastwood decided to poot
With his cee-gar, he lit it
But hates to admit it
Singed all the hair 'round his patoot.

* A style of cigar

Thursday, November 24, 2016

2306. Thanksgiving advice

You can whip up some gravy that's murky
And can dress Friday's sandwich with Durkee™
But what e'er else you do
Please make certain that you
Serve mashed 'taters and dressing and turkey.

In 2013, our local newspaper asked readers to submit T'giving traditions.  I sent the following, which was published and received many kudos:

Thanksgiving Instructions for the Cook

 1.    It’s ‘dressing’, not ‘stuffing.’  You remove the giblets from the bird.  You don’t "stuff" anything back inside to replace them. 
 2.    In Oklahoma, dressing is made with cornbread, not oysters.  It's baked in a large Pyrex dish (or three or four) and I want to taste the sage.

 3.    Make plenty of giblet gravy.

 4.    Put mushroom soup and french fried onions atop the green beans if you must, but the beans have to be limp.  Who is Al Dente, anyway?
 5.   Ideally, you roast a turkey.  You don’t smoke it, deep-fry it, or buy only a breast to cook.  Some of us prefer dark meat.
 6.    Make plenty of giblet gravy.
 7.    Serve sweet potatoes if you want, but they’re no good with gravy so why would anyone eat them?
 8.    Don’t try some cutesy cranberry salad recipe.  Just serve that gelatinous ‘cylinder of sauce’ right out of the Ocean Spray can (sliced, of course.)  It’s only on the table for the color, anyway and besides, one bite of cranberry anything means one less bite of mashed potatoes and gravy.
 9.  Ambrosia, yes.  Waldorf salad, no.

10.  You make mashed potatoes with only 3 additives – milk, butter, and salt – and you make triple the amount you think will be needed.

11.  Make plenty of giblet gravy.

12.  At a minimum, two desserts - - - pumpkin and pecan pie.

OP364-372. Happy Thanksgobbling!

On Thanksgiving, our family had goose
Chewing that, made our teeth kinda loose
Our dinner, I heard
Doesn't have to be bird
I'd a-settled for nice cuts of moose!

Another Thanksgiving saw duck
But its feathers I first had to pluck
But before I could sup
The guests ate it all up
Was I pissed off? Oh yup! Wtf!

There was one time when we just had chicken
The turkeys sold out for the pickin'
I'm too tardy, alas!
(I'm still kicking my ass)
Still was good, not too crass, finger lickin'.

Then one year, we tried out some pheasant
It was gamey, but still rather pleasant
Rich and dark, and what's more
Almost fat-free (a score!)
It's not just merely made for a peasant.

So the next year, we feasted on quail
Three per person and served up with ale
Cutting head, foot and feather
Of twelve, altogether
Takes bloody forever! Bewail!

Last year's pigeon was bad (not my fault!)
Should have added a whole lot of salt
After one bite, I spat
Think I'd rather eat cat
My opinion of that - Oy gevalt!

Now finally we're having some turkey!
At my friend's, who is perky and quirky
I've had more than enough
Of that jaw-breaking stuff
'Cause the texture was tough as beef jerky

That's it! I'm so fed up, I am!
For poultry, I don't give a damn!
I don't want any bird
It's a four-letter word!
Have you people not heard of a ham?!

And a final note...

I should not have just talked about food
Focussed only on that, I'm so rude!
So it's one of those times
To thank Phil for his rhymes
And be ringing the chimes for this dude!

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

2305. Another challenge met

An e-friend suggested I rhyme 'persnickety'...
My hot rod's a little bit rickety,
Still, I drive at the speed they call lickety-
Split.  Hang on tight
Or you'll die of a fright,
Those who ride with me can't be persnickety.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

PD279-282. Barely Bawdy

There once was a man named O'Malley
Who was having a lassie named Sally
The first words she spoke
As he gave her a poke
Were, "Mister, you're right up my alley!"

A remarkable race are the Persians,
They have such peculiar diversions.
They screw the whole day
In the regular way,
And save up the nights for perversions.

There once was a randy Parisian
Who screwed an appendix incision,
And the girl of his choice
Could hardly rejoice
At his horrible lack of precision.

There was a young cad name of Snyder
Who took out a girl just to ride her.
She allowed him to feel
From her neck to her heel,
But never would let him inside her.

Monday, November 21, 2016

2304. For starters

We've elected a prez who's a twit
And many don't like it one bit
With Chief of Staff Priebus
Plus Bannon, so griebous,
It's like dental work -- Reince and spit.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

2303. Old joke, re-spun

Donald, crazy clear through to his gut,
Glued a frog to the top of his nut.
A doc asked, "May I help?"
The frog said with a yelp,
"Can you get this wart offa my butt?"

Saturday, November 19, 2016

2302. More like a mommy-sitter

Though hired as a simple au pair
The femme had a sordid affair
With her female employer;
The dad was a voyeur
He'd watch and jack off from the stair.

Friday, November 18, 2016

2301. Eire for an ire

Trump's strategist guy is Steve Bannon
Way far-right and a really loose cannon
He is ready to start,
I wish he would depart
For his homeland and drown in the Shannon.

Bannon was raised Irish-Catholic.  Anyone know when his ancestors immigrated here?

Thursday, November 17, 2016

2300. Timing is everything

Guys, I bet this has happened to you:
You are having a leisurely screw
But you know you won't last
'Til she comes; you go fast
And your dick falls out, making her blue.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

PD278. This Saturday

International Men's Day's in Fall
On November 19th have a ball!
Drink, fart, show misogyny,
Cuss both spouse and progeny
Why make the day special at all?

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

2299. A monumental limerick

In a crevice he started his drilling
Found the jack-hammer action fulfilling
He got off his rocks

Now, think outside the box,
Gutzon Borglum's Mount Rushmore is thrilling!

Monday, November 14, 2016

2298. Send in the Clowns

Though Trump now seems somewhat less gruff*
The transition
will likely be rough
Nobody seems misty
That he dumped Chris Christie
But V.P. Mike Pence?  He's all fluff.

* In a 60 Minutes interview last night with Leslie Stahl, The Donald avoided bombast and actually said a few conciliatory things.  He was surprisingly low-key.  Some of his statements even sounded borderline intelligent -- accent on "borderline."

Sunday, November 13, 2016

2294-2297. Call me old school

I hate when a snatch has no hair
But in porn, pubes are now rather rare
What makes a girl shave
That great growth 'round her cave?
God didn't intend it as bare.

A friend told me, "You are like Genghis
Khan, set in your ways, and a dingus.
Besides, it's much cleaner
When you get between her
Two legs and perform cunnilingus.

"You won't get any pubes on your tongue,
Or inhale one down into your lung
And can zero right in
On her clit, not within,
Where she's most sensitive, old or young."

"We oldsters are not into sucking,"
I responded, "I only do fucking.
It just doesn't seem fine
When a gal looks 'bout nine
Because all her crotch hair's suffered plucking."

Saturday, November 12, 2016

2293. It used to be a thrill

College football is such a great sport
Though I give it way too much import
Who cares if my heroes
Are all-stars or zeroes
As over the field they cavort?

Wife and I will get up 4 hours from now and drive 125 miles in heavy traffic to Norman to join 86,000 other fans to see our alma mater, Oklahoma University, play Baylor.  We will pay $25 to park half a mile from the stadium, sit in seats designed to hold people who weigh under 120 pounds, buy cokes and hot dogs for $5 each, and spend half the game on our feet because people in lower rows feel compelled to stand.  And it's on TV... 

Friday, November 11, 2016

2292. The war to end all wars...

This once was called "Armistice Day"
But all World War I vets passed away
To that home in the sky;
Seventeen mil did die
And "In Flanders Fields" many did stay.

Such a lovely poem.  I memorized it in 7th grade but don't recall being taught that the author was Canadian.  Do you suppose it was the inspiration for Pete Seeger's, "Where Have All the Flowers Gone?"

Thursday, November 10, 2016

PD273-277. Smile, they're vile and penile

A horny young fellow named Reg,
Was jerking off under a hedge.
The gardener drew near
With a huge pruning shear,
And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.

There was an old fellow named Fletcher,
A lewd and perverted old lecher.
    In a spirit of meanness
    He cut off his penis,
And now he regrets it, I betcha.

There was a young man from Salinas
Who had an extremely long penis:
    Believe it or not,
    When he lay on his cot
It reached from Marin to Martinez.

There is a young fellow from Leeds
Whose skin is so thin his cock bleeds
    Whenever erect,
    This dermal defect
Often scares him from sowing his seeds.

My trouser-snake stands up and cheers
When confronted with boobs in brassieres;
But, in charming my cobra,
The bosom with no bra
Can almost reduce it to tears.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

2291. At least it's over

Yesterday, I went out and I voted
The lines to cast ballots were bloated
Did I choose 'prick' or 'bitch'?
Sorry, won't tell you which,
Still amazed that on either folks doted.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

2290. Maybe Jaune Valjaune?

I hear there are lovely forsythia
In that make-believe land, Terabithia.
If you like blooms of yellow
Then find you a fellow
And see if he'd like to go withia.

Monday, November 7, 2016

2289. Small talk

At a party, a guy bet a dollar
I could not find a woman and ball 'er
Took one upstairs with pride,
Showed my dick, she replied,
"That looks like a penis... but smaller."

Sunday, November 6, 2016

2288. I shoulder not done it

I guess I forwent proper etiquette
When I grabbed the beat cop by his epaulet
He wrote me a ticket,
I told him to stick it
And followed that up with an epithet.

I broke a poetry rule above.  Can you spot it?

Saturday, November 5, 2016

2287. Deathless dialogue

It's fun to write five lines of verse
One needs to be funny, yet terse
I wish all of mine
Could be thought of as fine
But I fear not that many are cherce.

That final word was spoken in the 1952 Tracy-Hepburn movie, "Pat and Mike."  Spencer's character said of Kathryn's, "Not much meat on her, but what's there is cherce."

Friday, November 4, 2016

2286. How NOT to get laid.

My wife can, at times, be the ragginest
Which could be 'cause I'm her antagonist
Like, for instance, today
In the midst of foreplay,
I told her, "Your tits are the sagginest."

Thursday, November 3, 2016

2285. No hari kari

For decades, bad drubs, many flubs,
Lousy starters and even worse subs
This year things did vary,
Wish Ernie and Harry
Could see their World Champion Cubs!

Ernie Banks was easily their best player of all time.  He died in Jan. 2015.  Harry Caray was their zany broadcaster from 1982 thru 1997, dying in Feb. 1998.

2284. Sack lunch

A girl whom I liked a whole bunch
Once decided she'd have me for lunch
Her wonderful hum job
Produced a great cum job
I'm glad my balls she didn't munch.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

2283. Whose drought will end?

World Series is down to the nubbies
U.S. wives might as well have no hubbies
Games once stood 3 to 1
Now we're tied, ain't it fun?
I am putting my hopes on The Cubbies.

Cleveland hasn't won the WS since 1948, Chicago not since 1908!!

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

2282. Nobody does it better

The talented Alex Trebek
Is from Sudbury* (not in Quebec)
Somewhat like a good shepherd, he
Hosts the show, "Jeopardy",
Love when games run neck-and-neck.

  * It's in Ontario, 400 km north of Toronto