Thursday, March 31, 2016

2044. Who else grew up with this pronunciation?

To the carny I snuck with friend Enos
We made sure that our folks hadn't seen us
Rumor was that a morph-
a-dite, short like a dwarf
Was there.  True!  3 foot, pussy, and penis!

I didn't hear it pronounced 'hermaphrodite' until a college botany class.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

2043. Would he? He Sherwood.

Connecticut's wealthy town, Darien,
Has a woman who seems to be carryin'
A fetus, not good
Unless old Robin Hood
Puts a ring on her (that's who made Marian.)

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

2042. No fisting, just fasting

Want to give her an orgasmic fit?
Start by slowly massaging her clit
Then, as you start to eat 'er
Just double your meter,
The speed limit's "lickety-split."

Monday, March 28, 2016

2041. It's anybody's game

Some people just find it a bore
To learn who has won, by what score
But because it's my team
That is part of the dream
I'll obsess on next week's Final Four.

The Oklahoma Sooners are one of those four teams.  They play Villanova -- a team they defeated by 23 points last Dec. 7 -- in the semi-finals next Saturday.  That doesn't mean OU will have an easy time.  Villanova moved forward by defeating Kansas -- a team which beat my Sooners twice this season.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

2040. Waiting for Easter?

A whore had her madame's hair frizzin'
With her answer to boss lady's quizzin':
"Your john's been here two
Hours, are you gonna screw?"
Said the whore, "Just as soon as he's risen."

Saturday, March 26, 2016

2039. Was it good for you?

Said a fellow all full of manure,
"I can fuck 60 minutes for sure!"
But once he'd insert
He would instantly squirt;
Ejaculation premature.

Friday, March 25, 2016

OP262-266. A fantastic fivesome

I've been a penpal of Connecticut's Steve Benko for over a year.  Steve gets at least one of his limericks published almost every week in the AWADmail.

With his approval, I am posting all those he submitted to AWAD this week, when the theme was "Words with unusual plurals."  I think you readers will agree that, across the board, they are top-notch!

Bema (BEE-muh - plural bemata) - a raised platform for speaking in a place of worship
Under gathering clouds on the bema,
Spoke Noah: "It's our Hiroshima.
You sinners are toast,
But on top I will coast,
For the Lord is my personal FEMA."

Quale (KWA lee - plural qualia) - a property as perceived by a person subjectively
The suburban life had a smooth quale
For Ward and June Cleaver and Wally
But Beaver and Lumpy
At times found it bumpy
For Eddie was quite the svengali

Starets (STAHR its - plural startsy) - a religious teacher or advisor
From St. Peter I've fallen so far it's
A wonder I still have a starets
It's now Tel Aviv
In whose God I believe
And the paper I read is Ha'aretz

Genus (plural genera) - a biological classification group covering one or more species
A word that rhymes nicely with "genus"
Was whispered from heaven by Venus
"It fits like a glove,"
Sighed the Goddess of Love,
"But from Eros the Christians would wean us"

Paries (PAR-eez - plural parietes) - the wall of a body part or cavity
Whether Gemini, Virgo, or Aries
You're fated to sing like canaries
If hiding some loot
From the mob, or they'll shoot
A big hole in your abdomen's paries

2038. His OP257 out-RANKS all of mine.

Is anyone filthier?  No sir.
I've tried, but just haven't come closer
Than a poor 2nd Place,
I'm reduced to disgrace
Guess I'll name Dave "Our Neighborhood Grosser."

Thursday, March 24, 2016

2037. You don't tug on Superman's cape

I play bridge with an 80-yr-old who likes puns and has read some of my limericks.  He had the audacity to email me this awful attempt last night:
There was a fellow named Graham
Who politely responded “Yes ma’am,”
When asked if for fun
If he always had a pun,
Adding “Does a male lamb become a ram?”

Wanting to quash any further attempts by him, I wrote back:
There once was a fellow named Hord
So poor that he couldn't afford
A book on verse meter;

His limned lines aren't neater
Than I can write, even when bored.

OP261. Saddle up!

A young girl with her hair in a braid
Led her beau to a barn to get laid
And her lover (of course)
He was hung like a horse
And he came with such force that he neighed.

I know, I'm pushing the rules with this one.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

2036. Et tu, gluteus?

A long ago woman, a Phrygian,
Had an ass that was steatopygian

Surely wish I had seen ya,
You lass from Armenia,
And fucked your huge butt just a smygian.

OP258-260. Letting an undesirous virus inspire us

With a flu bug the strength of Katrina
My cough aped a rabid hyena
My projectile vomit
Shot out like a comet
The length of a hockey arena.

The cance'ling of jobs was a pain
Rescheduling them - what a strain!
And my fluid intake
Caused my toilet to shake
And all night, be awake, what a drain!

The headaches, the fever, not pretty
The chills and the runs, ultra shitty
Though my ass is still burning
My strength is returning
Thus ends my sad tale of self-pity.

Want to hear more whining? Finding the right $#%&?@! title took longer than coming up with the bleepin' limericks! Happy day!

2035. Gorey hallelujah

There once was an ardent romancer
Who fancied himself a good dancer
And he wasn't too bad
'Til one leg that he had
Had to be removed due to bone cancer.

I'm rarely 'dark' -- but Edward Gorey often was...

Monday, March 21, 2016

2034. It's in guys' genes

There once was a fellow named Guy
When he saw girls in jeans, he would sigh
And due to the itches

They caused in his britches
His pecker would poke thru his fly.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

2033. Heart-pounding hoops

The basketball play of my Sooners
Makes me think they could use some fine-tuners
Bricked shots begin landin'
With reckless abandon,
At halftime, do they all have nooners?

Oklahoma just moved into the Sweet 16 by beating VCU 85-81.  We led 44-31 at the half but don't seem to know how to maintain or stretch a lead.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

2031-2032. A prairie pimp & a coastal coquette

U.S. girls won't show tits lest you dare 'em
While Canadian girls love to bare 'em
If you're up in Saskatchewan
Young David might fetch you one
I'm betting he keeps a small harem.

(Poster Dave Reddekopp lives in Swift Current, SK.)

Suz never writes rhymes that are po'
From her home in B.C. (Nanaimo)
To get her to flash
It would prob'ly take cash
But then, wouldn't that make her a 'ho?

(That would be poster Suzanne Heymann.)

OP257. Dinner AND dessert

Okay, this one's just nasty.

I once met a whore in New York
On her period.  Paid her to pork
And what poured from her poon
I would eat with a spoon
But I ate all the crabs with a fork.

Friday, March 18, 2016

2029-2030. Our mutual admiration society

Suz, Dave, and Phil love to immerse
Themselves in five lines of fun verse

We never grow tired
Of being admired
For poems both clever and terse.

As host of this blog, let me say
That I'm glad you each come here to play

I'm "no longer in Kansas"
When I read your stanzas
The limmies you write make my day!

Many thanks to both of you crazy, capricious Canadians for your daily devotion to reading this blog.  But what makes me even happier is when you put your own always-rhythmic, invariably funny limericks on display here. 

I can't tell you how proud I am that visitors to this site never have to read any non-scanning, near-rhyming schlock (as they do at most other limerick sites... one in particular.)  Just knowing you'll be reading my efforts makes me try my hardest.  I can tell you two feel the same way.  Here's to never lowering the bar!


OP256. The best in the west

I know of a woman, Suzanne
Whose submissions would splendidly scan
She's quick and she's witty
Her verses aren't shitty
She writes out her rhymes like few can.

I've praised Phil a fair bit here, as well I should, but I admire your ability too, so I felt you needed a verse.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

2027-2028. Irish I'd been there

There once was a colleen named Erin
Who had her a wonderful pair an'
Her tits were so flawless
She'd often go braless
To make sure the men kept a'starin'.

Those breasts were so firm, they were flopless
And in public, she sometimes went topless
Once (when mores she tested)
The girl got arrested
(She'd thought that the street had been copless.)

2026. Close enough

To a slightly deaf vixen named May
I said, "Wanta roll in the hay?"
I took it as 'yes'
When I heard her confess,
"I think so, now twat did you say?"

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

OP255. But how did he get all those great seats?

Rollen Stewart provoked sports fans’ raving
With his JOHN 3:16 sign a-waving.
     For his rainbow ‘Fro show
     Made us all go “Oh, no.” ---
Jailed, his ass, not his soul, now needs saving.

“Rainbow Man” was a TV sports fixture during the 1980’s. In 1992 he held a hotel maid hostage and threatened to shoot at LAX airplanes, resulting in his being sentenced to three life terms.

2025. Feliz cumpleaños

My dear daughter, Allison C.,
Means more than the whole world to me
She was born on this date
In the year nineteen-eight-
y, no child could be sweeter than she!

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

2024. Shakespeare's 3/15 shake-up

The soothsayer said, "Woe betides
Caesar if he steps forth on the Ides."
Came true; Bru' and Cassius
Proved they were the brashes'
Unsheathing swords kept at their sides.

Monday, March 14, 2016

2023. Part of circumference... (mine, too)

Though it's special, today isn't my day
But it surely will be a 'get high' day
Apple, cherry and peach
Think I'll have some of each
'Cause it's 3-point-1-4, yes, it's Pi Day!

Sunday, March 13, 2016

PD217-220. The long and the short of it

There was a young man from Salinas
Who had an extremely long penis
Believe it or not
When he lay on his cot
It reached from Marin to Martinez.

There once was a man from Australia
Who had rather large genitalia
He said to his bride,
"Do not try to hide
'Cause wherever you go I can nail ya."

I got this from the fellow what own it:
He declared that he boasted one mo' nut
Than most people sport
But was terribly short
In the part you might stick through a doughnut.

There was a young fellow called Rex
With diminutive organs of sex
Arraigned for exposure
He said with composure,
"De minimis non curat lex".

[Latin, trans:- "The law is not concerned with trifles."]

Saturday, March 12, 2016

2022. Consistently inconsistent

My Sooners have left me in sadness
I hate when they play with such badness
Hield shot 1 for 8
Spangler whiffed free throw late
This team won't go far in March Madness.

The basketball team of my alma mater, Oklahoma University, lost in the semifinals of the Big 12 tournament last night.  'March Madness' is the nickname for the playoffs leading to the national championship.

Friday, March 11, 2016

2021. She hits the sac, then the sack

For returning to dorm early morn
A girl was the object of scorn
She could suck guys off totally
(And that includes scrotally)
She'd learned how from watching much porn.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

2020. He made a big-E

For an old gynecologist, Whitt,
Hysterectomy turned to pure shit
He made his incision
But, due to poor vision
She now has a 14-inch slit

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

2019. Show your Chauvinism

OP254 (below) deserves a retort...  just not this one.

International Men's Day's in Fall
On November 19th have a ball!
Drink, fart, show misogyny,
Cuss both spouse and progeny
Why make the day special at all?

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

OP254. Brimmin' with Women

International Women's Day - when?
It's today, but won't interest men
That's 'cause men are from Mars
Women? Venus. The stars
And the planets butt heads once again.

2018. Blood sport

A poor housewife went out on the sly
She'd decided her pussy to ply
Her pants needed rinsies
From left-over menses
'Cause Tampax™ cost too much to buy.

Monday, March 7, 2016

2017. Francly frenetic

It's the birthday of Maurice Ravel
His Boléro is boring as hell
But Concerto (G Major)
Is one I would wager
You'll like like a toy from Mattel.

That link in L3 gives you Lang Lang playing the 3rd Mvt., or
hear the whole piece played by Martha Argerich.

2016. I sound blotto, where's Erato?

Wouldn't blame you if you said, "J'accuse!"
After reading this limerick I choose
To exhibit as humor,
My talent's a rumor
When I haven't heard from my muse.

Sunday, March 6, 2016

2015. Left-bending beater

I know of a man named McGoffin
Who's lousy when it comes to boffin'
It seems that his wiener
Is quite a left-leaner
From whipping right-handed so often.

Saturday, March 5, 2016

2014. Barter in the heart o' Texas

There was an old woman from Waco
Who'd once owned a partial-gold Seiko
Since her car was all faded
The time-piece got traded
To purchase a paint job from Maaco.

Friday, March 4, 2016

2013. Five flawed fellows

The Rubio guy is a twit
Has Ben Carson stayed in or quit?
Cruz sounds like a preacher
While Kasich's a creature

 Of Beltway-ville.  Donald's pure shit.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

2011-2012. That's Entertainment

In World War II, they helped us cope
As Catholics, each knew the Pope
With asides (also frontally)
They joked contrapuntally
Golf clubs were what they liked to grope

In road pics, "ski nose" played the dope
Lamour shunned advances with, "Nope!"
From Rio to Bali
They always were pally
I'm speaking of Crosby and Hope.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

2010. She can't find it, either

Dr. Gräfenberg claimed it was there
But if you've not rubbed one, don't despair
I've been told it's on top
Guess I fuck like a flop
Either that, or the G-spot is rare.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

2009. Æolian ode

The winds have arrived and they parch
Took a walk and they took out my starch
I guess it's expected
And I stand corrected
If this ain't the first day of March.