Saturday, December 31, 2011

464. A gentleman doesn't tell

There once was a fellow named Norton,
Who's favorite sport was consortin'
With pretty young lasses
With big tits and asses,
Then calling his friends and reportin'.

Friday, December 30, 2011

463. Now, where were those WMDs?

With most of the US troops being pulled out of Iraq before 2012 arrives, I wonder where some might get posted.  You may often wonder why some of my limericks get posted!

A re-assigned sergeant, Gerard Pace,
Shows no relief on his poor, tard face.
Next assignment?  Three years
Ninety miles from Algiers!
He'll be stuck 'tween Iraq and a hard place.

462. Talking smack

A naughty young lisper named Percy,
Used language that leaned toward the cursy.
And to his great defithit
His mom heard one epithet
And paddled his butt without mercy.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

461. Chaise Longue

I'd like to come up with a song,
Teaching folks that "chase lounge" is just wrong.
Next time at the pool
Show the hosts you're no fool,
And properly say it "shez long."


It's a losing battle.  Advertisements all spell it "lounge" (well, perhaps not in France!)

459-460. Anytime, anywhere

A man with a tongue of six inches,
Was awesome at pleasuring wenches.
Their clits, he would flick 'em,
Then lie down and lick 'em
On beds, couches, car seats or benches.


A horny young vixen named Millie,
Is quite an attractive young filly.
She can have an orgasm
Felt throughout her chasm
By just laying eyes on your willy.

(Kinda like premature ejaculation?)

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

456-458. Learning disorders

There is a young student named Black,
Who has an annoying knack
Of summoning coughs
To bother his profs,
And otherwise giving them flak.


There once was a fine street musician,
Who spent his entire life wishin'
He could teach at a college.
His minimal knowledge
Denied him.  He wasn't patrician.


While fucking a gal from Spokane,
A teacher said "I think I can
Last more than twelve minutes
By reviewing tenets
Espoused by the late Horace Mann."

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Alternate to #449

Commenting to Limerick #449 on 12/27, "Boulderite" suggested that line 5 be as follows: 
A Wagnerian opera buff, Cameron,
Caused people to say without stammerin'
(When arias were being sung
In Ring of the Nibelung)
"Götterdämmerun'!  Quit yammerin', Cameron!!"


How's that?  I had to slightly alter lines 2-4, also...

454-455. Pair o' docs

A charlatan doctor named Zachary,
Drank bourbon and chewed on tobaccery.
Health rules which he bended
He e'en recommended
To patients!  His practice was quackery.


When gay patients visit Doc Engers,
This proctologist dallies and lingers.
When they proffer the rectum,
He loves to inspect 'em
But not, as you'd guess, with his fingers...

Monday, December 26, 2011

453. Sweetheart of the Rodeo

A cowgirl whose cunt was quite hot,
Could be easily screwed on the spot.
Every time she got fucked,
She hollered and bucked
For she really did like it a lot!

452. New motto: "No payin', no gayin'!"

A male prostitute, name of Kip,
Suffered greatly from post-nasal drip.
And it seemed to worsen
(and make him start cursin')
Each time a john gave him the slip.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

451. Can you relate?

A normal teenager named Nelson,
Got told by his mom "I can tell, son,
You've been smoking and drinking
And probably thinking
Of sex!  You are going to hell, son!"


Since it is December 25th, I think I should test your seasonal musical knowledge:
What well-known Christmas song was first sung by a bunch of apes and orangutans?
>
>



The Little Drummer Boy.........
>
>

>
by the Hairy Simian Chorale.

450. Borrowed from Ogden Nash

A very fat fellow named Andy,
Had nary a thought to get randy.
He said "'Liquor's quicker'
May give me a snicker
But as for me, 'candy is dandy!'"


Click HERE if you'd like to hear an entire poem spawned by Nash's famous couplet,
  Candy's dandy
  But liquor's quicker.
By the way, that's Ogden in the picture AND there's not a bit of truth in what I wrote!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

449. Quiet, please!

A Wagnerian opera buff, Cameron,
Had a very bad habit of yammerin'
When arias were being sung
In Ring of the Nibelung.
It caused folks to say "Götterdämmerun'!"

446-448. Irish you a Merry Christmas

There once was a man named McGruder,
Who couldn't have been any cruder.
He found a young lass
With a beautiful ass,
And after he wud'er, he scrud'er.


There once was a man named McGregor,
Whose wife was about six months pregger.
With her belly so big,
Old McGregor, that pig,
Came in from the backside to peg 'er.


Here's one 'bout a slut named McGeorge,
With a pussy as hot as a forge.
She took on all men
Who wanted to sin,
And could make even old guys engorge.


Thanks to "Boulderite's" 2nd comment (q.v. below), I googled "Mc vs. Mac."  I had always thought inclusion of the 'a' indicated Scottish origins while omitting it meant Irish.  According to each article I read, either prefix can denote either ethnicity.  Since my title requires it, the protagonists shall remain offspring of The Emerald Isle.

Friday, December 23, 2011

445. Self-portrait

To anyone still reading, I apologize for brow-beating you to help me popularize this site by visiting more often, telling your friends, etc.  My passion for this rhyme-form is obviously not shared by many others.
There once was a poet named Phil
Who composed dirty limericks at will.
But he was obsessive
And so damned aggressive
It made all his friends say "Phil, chill!"

444. 'Snot my best

A raging young rascal named Jim,
Tried to enter a virgin's snug quim.
But, try as he might,
It was just too damned tight
('Til he lathered his dick with some phlegm.)

Thursday, December 22, 2011

443. Dental impression

A middle-aged cocksman named Mark,
Took a sharp-tongued old bitch for a lark.
She gave him some head
And it turned his dick red
For her bite was much worse than her bark.

441-442. Flowery language

There once was a gard'ner named Anna,
Whose flow'r bed had one lovely canna.
Neither white, pink nor red
But its color, instead
Was quite yellow, just like a banana.


She also grew several hydrangea,
Grown tall to disguise stalks of ganja.
For this sweet little Anna miss
Enjoyed smoking cannabis
And cooking up brownies to mangia.

(Shades of Alice B. Toklas, and mangia is Italian for "eat.")

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

438-440. Mouths to feed

There once was a fellow named Nieman,
Whose girlfriend would swallow his semen.
The guy never lacked
Any joy from this act
And, in fact, would just lay there a-beamin'.


A female boxer named Flo,
Some sexual things didn't know.
One night a man caught her
And rapidly taught her
To give him a short glans-ing blow.


A sorority senior named Reed,
Could be called to fulfill any need.
And it should be noted
The frat boys all voted
Her "Girl To Most Likely Suck Seed."

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

437. Feel free to buddha following

There once was a student named Martha,
Who sometimes read books about parthe-
Nogenesis.  Hesse
Wrote one she'd caresse.
Not science -- the title's Siddhartha.

436. Overt(ure) praise

Allow me to tout Felix Mendelssohn,
Whose fame from composing ne'er dwindles.  An
Opus some crave
Has the name Fingal's Cave* --
'Twas perhaps once the dwelling of Grendel's son.

(Do high school students still read Beowulf?)

* Also known as The Hebrides Overture.  If you're old enough to have watched The Lone Ranger on TV and/or (like me) to have listened to it on radio, Mendelssohn's themes were used as background music for many of those episodes.

435. Sufferin' Sazeracs!

A crazed drunken driver named Alice,
Drank much green liqueur from a chalice.
D.U.I. in a stupor
She killed a state trooper,
Her lawyer pled "Absinthe of malice."

Monday, December 19, 2011

434. Pharyngo-proctologist

A gay diplomat known as Lloyds,
Liked scratching cohorts' adenoids.
After tickling the tonsils
Of some of the consuls
He'd work on their sore hemorrhoids.

433. Maybe you'll sashimi later...

There once was a fellow named Rocky,
Whom the girls found romantic but cocky.
He took one for sushi,
Got forward and gooshy,
She pelted his face with hot sake.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

432. Theology

There is an old preacher named Alvin,
Whose beliefs have been totally galvan
Ized into his mind.
I think he's behind
'Cause his dogma is all based on Calvin.

431. Groin pains

A man lied to his wife, fed her phonies,
Then sneaked out each day, played the ponies.
One day she found out,
Grabbed him by his large snout
And then kicked him hard in the cojones.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

430. Tix prix

The Russian named Evgeny Kissin,
Is a pianist worth giving a listen.
But at his ticket prices
You may have a crisis
And wind up with no pot to piss in.

428-429. Missing parts

There once was a blind man named Lake,
Whose eyeballs were totally fake.
Still, he was quite deft
At finding the cleft
Of a girl with his old one-eyed snake.


A crusty old sergeant named Sam,
Lost his dick over in Viet Nam.
'Twas caused by a Ho
(It was not Chi Minh, though)
With a badly-diseased bearded clam.

Friday, December 16, 2011

427. Beta texting

A freshman in college named Dexter,
Had promised his mother he'd text 'er
At least once per week.
But he joined a Greek
House and drank and chased women, which vexed 'er.

426. Wrathbone

A boisterous bastard named Basil,
As a cocksman could certainly dazzle
Any pretty young thing
Whom he happened to bring
To his bedroom and wear to a frazzle.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

424-425. Noteworthy guys

It's not easy to rhyme-up Franz Schubert,
A composer who wrote works so übert

That they leave me replenished --
Love the 8th that's "Unfinished"
(Unlike Johnson's VP named Hubert.)


The composer named Giuseppe Verdi,
Wrote operas which get done as parody
By rude campus troupes
(Mostly east of Kamloops.)
Thank God, this lampooning's a rarity.

423. Delicto-ble

That rascal, Immanuel Kant,
Once diddled the haunt of his aunt.
But he was disguised
For he'd philosophized
That they just might get caught in flagrante!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

OP17. THE YELLOW SEA? WOULD YOU BELIEVE BROWN?

There is a poor man of Korea
Who's stricken with gross diarrhea.
So much has he pooted,
The seas are polluted
From Juneau to north Eritrea.

(and what's more, it has left his Asmara'd)

421-422. Porn

There once was a fellow named Bud,
Who at scoring with gals was a dud.
But still, he was horny
So watched lots of porn. He
Would sit there just pounding his pud.


A horny teenager named Fred,
Hid lots of porn under his bed.
It brought thoughts vicarious
And it was hilarious
When mom found 'em -- turned her face red!

420. Holey and edgy humor

A man in a tub made a lunge
For his favorite natural sponge.
Knocked off the porypheræ
('Twas on the periphery) --
His body stayed covered in grunge.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

419. Casting couch

While fucking a Hollywood starlet,
A director's face turned very scarlet.
So in two ways, the bloke
Was having a stroke.
That should teach him to be such a varlet.

418. Bush-league limerick

A senator's wifie named Tipper,
Was as pretty as many a stripper.
She is wed to Al Gore
(Ran for prez, didn't score.)
Couldn't help him "Win one for the Gipper."

Monday, December 12, 2011

OP. My 1st try

Hello to The Limericist,
This is a song parody rather than a limerick, but I think due to its salacious content, it deserves a debut in your excellent blog. I hope you agree.


SOMEONE ELSE IS COMING TO TOWN
It has been several decades since Dr. Seuss introduced The Grinch as the best Christmas villain since Ebenezer Scrooge. But the news events of 2011 may have spawned a new candidate for Xmas Expat. With due attribution to Haven Gillespie and J. Fred Coots for their original version, let’s sing:

You’d better watch out,
You’d better not squeal,
You’d better not doubt.
I tell you, he’s real:
Sandusky is coming to town.

He’s making a list
Of boys whom he’s found
Will shower with him
While “horsing around.”
Sandusky is coming to town.

He’ll seize you when you’re sleeping,
He’ll charm you with his guile,
He’ll know you in the biblical sense
If you “walk The Second Mile.”

So,
You’d best be a snitch;
Report, be pro-law.
That son-of-a-bitch,
He brought down JoePa!

(Coda*)
Santa Claus is knowing
That Jerry’s crimes are growing.
For all the seeds he’s sowing,
And boys whom he’s been blowing,
Sandusky is going to--------GO DOWN!!!

--OkieJokey

* Coda lines 2-3-4 employ a one syllable pick-up to the tune: Fa mi sol do mi re fa.
Line 5 starts on the beat and is sung: Mi sol do mi re fa re-------re(9) do(8).

417. Far and away the longest

I will tell of a fellow named Jake,
Whose prick is as long as a snake.
He can stand two feet back
And still enter your crack!
As to dick length, young Jake takes the cake.

416. DeGenerate housekeeper

A sloppy young woman named Jane,
Said "Cleaning the house is my bane.
Though everything's smellin'
I'd rather watch Ellen
Than take out the trash in the rain."

415. What a jerk!

A boy with a tic, name of Mitch,
Was convinced that his life was a bitch.
He just couldn't stay still
So when eating, he'd spill
Many spoons-full because of his twitch.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

414. May I be a practice dummy?

There's a subject I think I will broach,
Regarding a madam named Roach.
Taught her young whores to blow,
Was a great teacher, so
They referred to her as their head coach.

413. Rabid -- Run!

Apologies to the memory of John Updike for that title..
There's a really mean rascal named Darrell,
Who puts all his girlfriends in peril.
He not only spites 'em
But also, he bites 'em!
If he were a cat, he'd be feral.

412. A talking instrument!

Shades of Tubby the Tuba!  As a child, I had that 78 rpm album.  I found this 9½ minute version of "Tubby" at YouTube.  It even includes the animated cartoon which I'd never seen.  Hope you enjoy!

A female french horn in a band,
Told the other brass "Here's what is grand...
Not my player's double-tongues
Or the air from his lungs,
I just love where the guy sticks his hand!"

Saturday, December 10, 2011

410-411. Soft porn

A man's unreliable wand,
Didn't keep him from wooing a blond.
But their date, it was tragic,
His wand had no magic,
Stayed flaccid so they couldn't bond.


There once was a man in a funk,
Who rarely got laid (was a drunk.)
When he'd start to drink,
His poor dick would shrink
And he couldn't ejaculate spunk.

Friday, December 9, 2011

409. Cleansing the palette

#408 is the dirty version.
An impressionist artist, Lautrec,
Bought new clothes, then he said "What the heck!"
He was such a small goose
That the pants were Toulouse
And the shirts all just swallowed his neck!

408. Small, but full of Gaul

An impressionist artist's biftek
Was petit - still he thought "What the heck?"
Took a Moulin Rouge whore
Home in hopes he could score,
Once aboard she asked "Too loose, Lautrec?"

(Biftek is French for "beef steak.")

Thursday, December 8, 2011

406-407. Places (to do it), everyone

A deep-voiced young Trekkie named Garth
Led a sweet, willing girl near his hearth
On the carpet, he laid her
Where he did inVader
She gave him the nickname of 'Darth.'


There once was a rascal, quite able
Who took home a woman named Mabel
Never got to his bed

Couldn't wait, so instead
She got fucked on the dining room table.

405. Hunter gatherers

A very odd family, the Mitchells.
They practice some unseemly rituals.
Like catching stray cats,
And Norwegian rats,
Then serving them up as their victuals.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

404. Bartók can shock

A fine violinist named Eric,
Has a group that plays works esoteric.
Quartets writ by Béla
Just never do fail-a
To leave unwashed listeners choleric.

403. Rhyming this algae gave me neuralgy

There once was a lass named Elvira,
With cunt hair much like spirogyra.
It was really obscene,
Very slimy and green,
Unlike most pubic hair -- which is wyra. 
(wiry)

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

401-402. Opera opera

First one is true.  She will be missed!
The great Frederica von Stade
Is no devil, but wears clothes by Prada
Though retiring, this diva
Still gives me a fiva.
If asked for her faults, I'd say "nada."


An opera tenor named Oscar
Was born on the Isle Madagoscar.
Although he is black
His Otello does lack
Cav'radossi's his best role (in Toscar.)

Monday, December 5, 2011

400. Another hundred completed.

To her new boyfriend's dark bedroom hollow,
Down the hallway a maiden did follow.
While sucking his dick
Thought, "When he shoots his slick
Stuff should I spit it out or just swallow?"


That one was inspired by the joke
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and just showin' off?
A: It depends on whether your girlfriend spits, swallows, or gargles!"

399. If I only had a brain

The actor and hoofer, Ray Bolger,
Could dance like a fired-upon soldier.
In Over the Rainbow

Appeared as the scarecrow
And drank coffee only from Folger.

398. Carnival Caper

A lucky young fellow named Leo,
Went to Carnival way down in Rio.
A bare-breasted maid
Dancing in the parade
Then screwed him that evening for free-oh!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

PD23-25. Famous conversations

There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea
Said she, "Stop your plumbing,
There`s somebody coming!..."
Said he, "Yes I know, love, it's me."

Said a woman with open delight,
“My pubic hair’s perfectly white.
I admit there’s a glare
But the fellows don’t care
They can find it more quickly at night.”

A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

397. Used a Gerbil?

There's a rumor about Richard Gere,
Which claims that he just might be queer.
I won't label him wrongly
And doubt it quite strongly,
(Though he is kinda cute with that leer!)

Friday, December 2, 2011

395-396. Persians

There once was a Persian named Darius,
Who was known to be very gregarious.
Of his cock he was proud
And sometimes in a crowd
He would show it!  An act most nefarious.


There is a young woman named Mahrsi,
Who settled in Brooklyn (Canarsie.)
She came from Iran,
So not one neighbor can
Understand her.  She speaks only Farsi.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

OP16. Iodine deprived

I received an email from a Mr. Brian Gray of Lanham, MD.  He had discovered this site by plugging "limericist" into his search engine.  He then emailed me at limericist@cox.net with this one:

In a strange woman's bed I did loiter
For a dawn's-early-light reconnoiter
And the fabulous knockers
I'd fondled when schnockered
Were really a pendulous goiter


Thanks, Brian.  Considering your "dawn's-early-light" reference and the fact that you're in Maryland, did this escapade take place near Ft. McHenry?  :-))

393-394. Papa Bach

That amazing composer named Johann,
Wrote counterpoint equalled by no man.
For choirs, wrote cantatas;
For strings, wrote sonatas,
To play them you can't have a slow han'.

For clavier he wrote all those inventions,
Plus preludes and fugues that need mentions.
But the Goldberg Variations
Still give me sensations
Which may not have been his intentions!

392. (S)extinguished

A fellow whose dick, when it hardent,
Was at sexual matters quite ardent,
Started fucking so fast
His girl thought "He can't last!"
And she sprayed him with fire retardent.

391. "I only had one beer, officer."

A hard-drinking fellow named Fowler
Was grumpy and often a scowler.
He would go to a pub,
Have a beer with his grub,
Half-a-gallon it was - in a growler.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

388-390. It's a red-letter day

I have limericks for all kinds of weather,
My composing job's light as a feather.
It's handy that 'fuck'
Rhymes precisely with 'suck'
For I sometimes will use them together.


There once was a fellow named Buster,
With a girlfriend whom he liked to fluster.
Decided to corn-hole
Her ne'er-before-worn hole
And when she complained then he cussed her.


An adventurous wife wanted sumpin'
Else done down below, started grumpin'.
Told her husband "Try lickin'."
Said he "I'm too chicken,
You'll just have to settle for humpin'"

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

386-387. Follicly challenged

His most-performed work is "The Four Seasons."
The Italian composer, Vivaldi,
In later life likely turned baldi.
So in "Winter" he'd go
Down to warm Monaco,
And play for the family Grimaldi.


A man with a very bald pate,
Did work that was just second-rate.
When told to get better
He said "I've a fetter --
You've put way too much on my plate!"

Monday, November 28, 2011

385. Sacs for snacs

A goal-setting faggot named Greer,
Enjoyed giving hum-jobs, that queer!
He set him a quota
Of three hundred scrota
To suck on each calendar year.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

384. Plane and simple(ton)

A timid young lady named Rooney,
Took her first airplane ride in a Mooney.
But she got acrophobic
While up there aerobic
And jumped with no chute - what a looney!

383. Undirty Gerty

Gerty and Trudy are both diminutives of Gertrude.
An unmarried woman named Trudy
Was purely, demurely, just prudy.
Though many men tried,
They all were denied;
She's not lewdy and cannot be screwdy.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

382. Perhaps this one belongs in the tarlotte

You can sense the final word early on.  I hate when that happens!
There once was a woman named Charlotte,
Who could turn people's faces to scarlotte.
Words said by this whore --
Plus the clothes that she wore --
Made it clear she was Charlotte the harlotte.

PD21-22. Extra, Extra!

After reading #376 about the Princetonians with its 5th line lagniappe, my younger brother was reminded of these two from Legman's The Limerick and suggested I post them.
There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner.
At a quarter to nine
They sat down to dine;
At twenty to ten it was in her.  The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.


There was a young fellow named Tupper
Who took a young lady to supper.
At a quarter to nine
They sat down to dine;
And at twenty to ten it was up her.  Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!

Friday, November 25, 2011

OP15. Suggestion taken - thanks!

Today, a reader left an excellent comment under #362.  My title indicates that it is the 15th post supplied by "Other People."  Here is what "Anonymous" suggested:
There once was a hooker named Margo,
Who setup shop down in Key Largo.
The cops handling vice
Thought this wasn't too nice
So they slapped on her trade an embargo.


He also wrote two good football limericks in his comment to #370. 

Another awesome response is the one done by Amanda B. Reckendwith as a comment to my #368.  By adding an 'e' to the end of the folks' names, he made them rhyme (in French) with "load," yielding a superb story and punchline!

By the way, if you'd like to become a 'poster' to this blog, please email me for instructions.  Comments are also welcomed but don't (generally) expect me to copy your supplied limericks into an actual post. 

PD20. I'm not consonant with the spelling

The Brits pronounce it "CHUM-lee" -- why I don't know, but it makes for a great limerick!
A popular girl is Miss Cholmondeley,
She's youthful, attractive and colmondeley,
And never objects
To suggestions of sex,
But simply cooperates dolmondeley.

381. Lobster Humidor

Trying to give to his wife a sensation,
A man placed in her 'clam' a crustacean!
But the critter's sharp claws
Pinched her clit, gave her pause!
The cops charged him with lewd molluskation.


Try some others from the archives down the right side of the page!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

380. 2nd onanism euphemism

While choking his chicken, young Nick
Realized he was going to be sick!
Couldn't get to the throne
But instead, gave a groan
And then threw-up all over his prick.

379. Herb (un)stuffing

A gal with a cold, name of Hazel,
Would flavor her cooking with basil.
It was cheaper than Vicks

And somehow would fix
Her all-stuffed-up passages nasal.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

378. Theme from 2001 - A Space Odyssey

His first name was Richard (pronounced REE-card.)
A German composer named Strauss,
Should not be considered a lauss.
Also Sprach Zarathustra

Is something I used tra
Have on a CD in my hauss.

377. Why do you think it's called a pickup?

A horny young Hebrew named Folan,
Resides in the Heights known as Golan.
Goes out in his truck
In search of a fuck,
And practices what's known as trollin'.

376. Smart girl

A fellow at Princeton, a student,
In regards to safe-sex wasn't prudent.
He took out a soph
Whom he thought he could boph,
Since he carried no condoms, he cudent. 
('Cause she wudent.)

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

375. Dark doings

A very odd man named Davola,
Drinks half of a bottle of cola.
Then he bares his wife's chest
And pours out the rest

To lick it from each areola.

373-374. Down East, eh?

A fellow from Maine up near Kittering,
Had a very bad habit of twittering.
But not with a phone,
He did it alone
At concerts (behavior not fittering.)


Another Maine guy hailed from Bangor,
And worked as a wallpaper hangor.
After mixing some paste
Spilled the bucket in haste
And his epithets made a big clangor.

Monday, November 21, 2011

372. The Five

This blog continues to receive many visits from Russians so occasionally I feel obligated to write one particularly geared toward them.

A week ago I received a challenge from a pianist friend to see if I could do a limerick on composer César Cui (pronounced "Kwee.")  I did, but it requires some background... (probably too much!)

Mily Balakirev was a mid-19th century Russian composer who felt a strong sense of nationalism and wanted to start a "school" of music, free from Southern and Western European influence.  He attracted four other composers -- Cui, Modest Mussorgsky, Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov, and Alexander Borodin (who was actually trained in chemistry.)  The group became known, simply, as The Five.

Balakirev started with three,
Himself, M. Mussorgsky and Cui.
Next Nikolai Rimsky
Joined up, and a chemsky
Guy, Borodin, made it five, see?

(The newer Russian visitors may prefer September's #196.)

371. Maybe she had told him to scat..

After fucking a horny MILF cougar,
A man took a shit, left a looger!
This upset the whore,
Pulled a gun from her drawer,
Shot the guy with a .38 Ruger.

370. Bad at balling

An NFL runner named James,
Had feelings for both guys and dames.
But this rascal bisexual
Was quite ineffectual
At scoring, regardless of games.

369. Sticky strings

There once was a real stupid 'fello,
Bought a booklet called "How to play 'cello."
Read "First, rosin your bow."
He had none, and so
Used a packet of strawberry 'Jell-o.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

368. Breach of promise?

A poor, lonely Frenchman named Claud
Became wed to a woman named Maud.
She'd claimed she was rich
But it turned out the bitch
Had just lied to get married, that fraud!

367. Plagiarizing myself

cf #191 from September 2011.  With this many limericks, similar stories happen.
A horny young sophomore named Decker,
Took his girlfriend out parking to neck her.
Got her in the back seat
And the ensuing heat
Allowed Decker to slip her his pecker.

366. Gourmet gone astray

An epicure thought he'd get him some
Good Chinese food -- went out for Dim Sum.
Chose the yellowfin eyes
And the blue gecko thighs,
I'd say he went out on a limb some.

365. He never grieu on me

Some musicians seem to be "in it for the money."  I put André in that group...
That damned violinist named Rieu,
Plays much stuff that makes me say "pieu!"
He likes to get flirty
With crap, not
concerti,
I'd like to just wish him "adieu."

Friday, November 18, 2011

363-364. They can't all make sense

The hardest part of writing limericks isn't the rhyming or getting proper scansion.  It's coming up with good story lines...
I like my next rhyme's funny ending,
But I'm thinking the whole thing needs mending.
I hate that line two
Has nothing to do
With the rest of the one I'm now sending.


A truck driver oddly named Poutiver,
Called his mink coat deliveries his "route of fur."
When his wife would catch cold,
Used a remedy bold --
His cure was to fuck the snot out of 'er.

362. YOU try rhyming her

There once was a hooker named Margaret,
Who set up shop down in Key Largaret.
The cops handling vice
Thought this wasn't too nice,
So she was a regular targaret.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

PD17-19. More canon fodder

Three more from the public domain.  "Louise" has always tickled me due to its absurdity.

There once was a couple named Kelly*
Who had to sleep belly to belly.
For in their mad haste,
They used library paste,
Instead of petroleum jelly.

  *(Also heard as  "There once was a couple from New Delhi" but that has poor rhythm.)

A lady with features cherubic
Was famed for her area pubic.
When they asked her its size
She replied in surprise,
"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"


There once was a maid named Louise,
Whose cunt hair hung down to her knees.
The crabs 'round her twat
Tied it up in a knot
And fashioned a flying trapeze.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

361. Air apparent

A man with the name Tattersall,
Didn't have any money at all.
When he wanted some snatch
He'd lock the door latch
And fuck an inflatable dall.

360. On your ark, get set...

With the animals taken by Noah,
Sons Ham, Shem and Japheth did goah.
And their wives went along
To replace the drowned throng
Using each husband's spermatazoah.

359. Anxiety in church

A former drunk turned to sobriety,
Got saved, but it didn't bring piety.
When attending a service
It makes others nervous,
He's liable to show impropriety.

358. It's a 71!

There once was a wife that was chubby,
Who preferred it on top of her hubby.
On his face she once sat,
Accident'ly she shat!
Which left him both upset and grubby.


That would be 69 plus #2...

356-357. Two pristine ones

A goofy inventor named Lomb,
Decided to fashion a bomb.
But he was so squirrely
He set it off early
And left this earth lacking aplomb.

A tourist in D.C. named Paul
Decided to walk on the mall.
Saw the Reflecting Pool
So he thought he'd get cool
With a swim, but the cops came to call.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

355. Mailer trailer

The Naked and the Dead by Norman Mailer was his great WWII novel.  Published in 1948, editors would not allow the "F" word to appear.  However, they did allow printing of the euphemism(?) "fug."  I suppose that means I don't need to post this one in red.

I like to give large women hugs,
And press up against their big jugs.
If I squeeze them real tight,
And play my cards right,
It sometimes can lead to great fugs.

353-354. Two on one / Two acts on one

There once was a queer named McNair,
Who had an ass much like a pear.
Since pears aren't drupaceous
His butt was quite spacious
And two at a time could go there.


After doing his boyfriend, Welch
Proceeded his lover to felch!
While committing the sin,
His mother walked in
And that most anus act she did squelch.

Monday, November 14, 2011

352. Underwater daughter

A horny old sailor named Hunt,
Took a friend's child to screw in a punt.
But the flat-bottomed boat
Had a leak, didn't float,
So poor Hunt pulled no stunt with her cunt.

PD16. Thematically challenged

For The Limericist, finding new dirty subject matter is becoming difficult.  I've covered a lot of territory in the last 3½ months so don't be surprised if a sense of deja vu occasionally hits you.  Here's one I found that sums up the problem rather well.  (I trust that line 4 isn't true...)

Beware of the limerick bore.
From a seemingly infinite store,
He trots out more verse
Where the scansion gets worse,
But the subject's the same as before.

350-351. Female frustrations

A deaf and dumb gal, oversexed,
Made dates with her phone using text.
But she couldn't spell
So the men couldn't tell
What she wanted.  This left her quite vexed.


There once was a woman named Slattery,
Whose husband asked "What is the matter?"  He
Heard her exclaim
"My dildo is lame,
It's in need of a new 9-volt battery."

Sunday, November 13, 2011

349. Deserves corporal punishment

There once was a soldier named Vaughan
Who was stationed outside of Inchon.
While there in Korea
He got diarrhea
And splattered each john he sat on.

348. aka billy club

A man with a dick like a truncheon,
One day took a girl out for luncheon.
As they dined, the man said
"Let's go home to my bed.
I may have something else you'd like muncheon."

Saturday, November 12, 2011

347. It should be "Pen" State

"Pen" being an abbreviation for penitentiary.

Foreign readers may not have heard of the scandal at Pennsylvania State University.  Allegedly, a long-time assistant coach was seen sodomizing a 10-year-old boy in the football locker room in 2002 by another assistant coach, who told Head Coach Joe Paterno.  Paterno then told the Athletic Director, who told a Senior Vice President of the school.  None of them ever reported it to police!

A furor surrounds Joe Paterno.
What did he and the other staff learn?  Oh,
All claim they reported
The sex act so sordid --
Throw each involved in an inferno!

344-346. An assortment

The Limericist takes as much pride in his titles as the limericks themselves.  Today, though, I'm feeling lazy.
An out-of-shape fellow named Mike,
Set out on a long-distance hike,
He quickly got winded,
His journey was ended.
He said "Next time I'll ride my bike."


When Johnathan married Miss Deaver,
He promised that he'd never leave her.
Shortly, marriage anulled!
The new missus got culled
When John found that his wife had no beaver!


An old prostitute they call Maggie,
Has boobs that are flabby and saggy.
For only ten bucks
She gives great titty fucks --
Just don't come in her face, she gets naggy.

Friday, November 11, 2011

343. And no fear of fallout

An old cunnilinguist named Glover,
Slides downward to pleasure his lover.
In the Nuclear Age
He became very sage,
Once in bed, he employs "duck and cover."

342. Shy guy

There once was a nice man named Farmer,
Considered to be quite a charmer.
When he took out a date
Whom, perhaps, he could mate,
He would do not a thing to alarm 'er.

341. Thpeech impediment

A Scot with a lisp dated Cassie,
And he called her "my thweet bonnie lathy."
He said "What a crime
That, with lookth tho thublime,
Your fartth thmell tho bad when you're gathy."

Thursday, November 10, 2011

340. On a tear off the air

Carl Kasell (pronounced 'castle') is an American radio personality on National Public Radio.  He's the official judge and scorekeeper of the weekly news quiz show "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!"  It's a delightful listen, even though their limericks are far too tame.
That silver-tongued guy, Carl Kasell,
At seducing young girls is quite facile.
He fondles their hooters
And diddles their cooters,
For him it is hardly a hassle.

DISCLAIMER: To my knowledge, nothing in the preceding limerick has any basis in fact.  I just needed a name to rhyme with facile and hassle, and also wanted to introduce you to the radio show.

339. Props

A comedian (born in Australia),
In the UK tries hard to regale ya.
At a club near Trafallagher
He steals shtick from Gallagher
By using much paraphernalia
.

337-338. More gaiety

There once was a fellow named Huggard,
Who at work was a consummate sluggard.
For Huggard was gay
And he wasted each day
Just thinking of ways to be buggard.


A partnerless homo named Art,
Tried something not thought of as smart.
Up his ass, shoved a gerbil,
Which gave him much terbil --
Each time that it wiggled, he'd fart.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

336. Ode to the limerick

My blog's introduction (top of each page) used to include the classic limerick by Oscar Wilde's son, Vyvyan(!):
   The limerick packs laughs anatomical,
   Into space that is quite economical;
   But the good ones I've seen
   So seldom are clean,
   And the clean ones are so seldom comical.

I just composed this one along the same lines...

A good limerick's life has longevity,
Oft remembered because of its brevity.
In only five lines,
One usually dines
On a sumptuous serving of levity.


Here's hoping that mine often bring you laughter.

A milestone

Congratulations to the reader who viewed here at 10:50 am CST.  You were the 2,000th visitor!  (Sorry, there's no prize.) 

This site began on July 27, 2011 so it has existed for 106 days.  That's almost 19 visits per day, which pleases me greatly!  Still, I'd love to get 50+ hits daily so if you haven't already, please tell your friends about The Limericist.

Thanks to each of you who visits, whether regularly or occasionally.  As I posted earlier, as long as you keep reading 'em, I'll keep writing 'em!

335. Note worthy

A super soprano named Joyce,
Had a really magnificent voice.
Pieces done a cappella

Or sung with a fella
Made listeners say "Now that's choice!"

334. Lengthy discussion

A man with a two-footer, Venchant,
Had a very unusual penchant.
He could fuck his own bum
Or suck his own cum.
(Perhaps things I shouldn't have menchant.)

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

333. Education vs. Sanitation

There once was a dropout named Baird,
Who wondered how he would have fared
Had he finished up school
And been less of a fool.
(No one else on his garbage truck cared.)

331-332. Want cooze? Use booze.

I know a young woman named Moss,
Who's not easy to take for a toss.
Don't just ask her to fuck
(You'll be shit outta luck),
Ply with liquor and she'll come across.


For dinner, a cocksman named Barry,
Took out Mary and he didn't tarry.

Had four beers, got a buzz,
Took her home, fucked her fuzz.
You might say he ate, drank, and made Mary.

Monday, November 7, 2011

PD12-15. Four more from the canon

These can all be found in the definitive book, The Limerick by G. Legman. 
'PD' in the title indicates they are in the Public Domain.

There once was a lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.


Once a young woman named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And her tits in Buckingham Palace.


There was a young lady from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too!"


A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball.
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call...

Sunday, November 6, 2011

330. Hydrophobic

There once was a maiden named Downing
Who had a foreboding of drowning.
When invited to swim
By her guy, she told him
"There's no way!"  Her response left him frowning.

329. Two Hung Low

An Irishman, Michael O'Kecktam,
Had balls that would stretch past his rectum.
He'd sneak into church,
Drop his trousers and perch
On the altar, where he'd genuflect 'em.

Pick any month from the archives on the right to read tons more!

328. Lame dick congressman

A lawmaker whose name was Bennett,
Screwed a female page from the Senate.
His manner of balling
Was rather apalling --
He finished in under a minute.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

327. A Dog's Life -- not so bad!

A dog-loving drunkard named Bill,
Consumes rotgut whisky at will.
If he's given Jack Daniels
It's served to his spaniels.
His palate prefers only swill.

326. Irish collection method

A barrister, Paddy O'Hailey,
Has his cases all tried at The Bailey.
If his clients don't pay
In a week and a day
He goes after them with a shillelagh.

Friday, November 4, 2011

325. Out of whack in the sac

A young Chinese fellow, Sung Wo,
Had one testicle which was sprung - oh!
When out fucking wenches
The extra five inches
It sagged got him tagged "Won Hung Lo."

324. No mind? Never mind.

A thick-headed fellow named Pettit,
Heard a joke but he just didn't get it.
After three explanations
The teller's frustrations
Compelled him to say "Oh, don't sweat it."

323. No longer eel-humored

A man who had been a whoremonger
Found one day he could do it no longer

Tears started to well
'Cause his dong wouldn't swell
In his youth it had looked like a conger!

322. Foul-mouthed

A filterless fellow named Darin
Had a very bad habit of swearin'.
When clean words were needed
Caveats were not heeded.
Young Darin just cussed without carin'.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

321. Brassie lassie

A bonnie Scot lassie named Annie,
Enjoyed dressing up for things clanny.
It made her quite glad
To put on her plaid,
Worn tightly to show off her fanny.

320. South Bitch

A gay man flew down to Miami
To bugger his boyfriend's tight hammie.
Each hour, did it twice
Which he found very nice.
He called it "the old double-whammy."

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

319. Wrong guidebook

There once was a stupid young faggot,
Who liked to suck dicks hard as agate.
Thought he might find some 'meat'

Under 'Places to Eat',
But butch boys were not listed in Zagat.

(The Limericist apologizes.  It's actually pronounced zuhGAT.)

318. Celibacy

A couple named Cleo and Clarence,
Of a very weird sect were adherents.
You may think I'm kiddin'
But sex was forbidden!
Consequently, they never were parents.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

317. Wandering Menstrual

A street-walker, Bess, was a hag,
But she picked up a fellow to shag.
Now I must confess, he
And Bessy got messy
Because she was ridin' the rag.

316. Working on commission

A rather shrewd madam named Audrey
Had two-dozen whores in her cadre.
She got 40 per cent
Every time that one went
Up the stairs with a man to be tawdry.

315. O, for tuna

An experienced woman named Trish
Let a virgin boy enter her niche.
When they finished their screw
The lad uttered "It's true
What they say. Pussy smells just like fish!"

313-314. Are these Godunov to post?

M.M. was a 19th century Russian composer.  He also wrote an opera, Boris Godunov.
Of Modest Mussorgsky I'll tell.
Pictures at Exhibition is swell!
For piano he wrote,

Then Maurice took each note
And transcribed it for orch., Yeaaa Ravel!

Modest also wrote Night on Bald Mountain,
A work that erupts like a fountain.
Wrote a few other things
Mostly kept in the wings.
How many?  They're hardly worth countin'.

312. This will pane you

There once was a horny young glazier
Who spent all his off-time at leisure.
When not fixing glass
He chased after ass
When he got some, it gave him much pleasure
.

Monday, October 31, 2011

309-311. Boo! (Hoping that's not your reaction)

I guess because it's Hallowe'en,
You'd like one that's darkly obscene.
But other than "witches"
To match up with "bitches"
All other rhymes seem to be clean.


But here's one that's fairly macabre,
'Bout a man who'd go out and grave robre.
He'd sneak home a stiff,
Fuck its bum or its quiff,
And pry open its mouth with his knobre.


There once was a weird country bumpkin
Who would stick his prick into a pumpkin.
Such aberrant deeds
Left his rod smeared with seeds.
He was horny, or crazy, or sumpkin.


And here is my favorite seasonal joke:

A man received an invitation to a Hallowe'en costume party.  He had over a month to come up with the perfect costume and decided to mail-order one.  He wrote to the Acme Costume Company:
Dear Sirs,
I am in need of a Hallowe'en costume.  I have two physical drawbacks -- a bald head and a wooden leg -- and I hate fielding questions like "how did you lose your leg?" or "how did you lose all your hair."  Therefore, please make sure that the costume you send hides my problems.

A week later he received a large package in the mail and a cover letter:
Dear Sir,
Enclosed, please find a Pirate Costume -- earring, eyepatch, sword, pants, shirt, and bandana.  Wrap the bandana around your head, disguising the fact that you are bald.  With your wooden leg, you will be perfect as a pirate!


Distressed that the company had only taken care of one of his problems, he sent the costume back with this letter:
Dear Sirs.
You completely ignored the fact that I need my wooden leg hidden!  Please replace the Pirate Costume with something else that takes care of both my drawbacks.


Another week went by and he got another large package.  The cover letter read:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the mixup.  Enclosed, please find a Monk Costume.  Its length will completely hide your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you'll make a great monk!


Now the man was really angry.  He wrote back, cussing them out, calling them idiots, and demanding that they send something that disguised both his physical disabilities.

After another week, he received a very small package and a postcard:
Sir,
Enclosed, find a jar of molasses.  Pour the molasses over your head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

308. Excitation by vibration

A fellow whose name is Mike George
Has a washing machine made by Norge.
When it hits the spin cycle
The dick of our Michael
Rests on it to quickly engorge.

307. Out-of-style cravats

A bad business woman named Sara
Tried hard to supplant Countess Mara
At designing men's ties,
But the ones she'd devise
Looked as if they were from a past era.

306. Spots and dots

A bass violinist named Facci
Had a bow that became very splacci.
Purchased one that was new,
Then the old one he threw
In the fire of his flaming hibacci.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

305. A new STD

A man who engaged in debauchery
One day found his dick was all splotchery.
What's worse, the poor gent
Became incontinent,
Which oft left him wet in the crotchery.

304. Eraicin the capsaicin

A fellow who thought he was macho
Burned his mouth on a ghost pepper nacho.
The thing was so hot
That he drank a full pot
Of the restaurant's ice-cold gazpacho.

Friday, October 28, 2011

303. Bad protection

There once was a tenor named Boris
Who used condoms so old they were porous.
When performing in Carmen
He saw little harm in
Impregnating girls from the chorus.

302. Perhaps needs mollycoddling

That sweet pulchritudinous Polly
Makes guys who espy her say "Golly!"
When they try to lay her
They just cannot sway her,
Attempts to fuck Polly are folly.

301. It's the pits

There's a beautiful woman named Gretchen
Whose appearance, you'd say, is quite fetchin'.
Though her looks are divine
Something isn't so fine --
Her horrid B.O. leaves you retchin'.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

300. Spread-eagled

 It is only fitting that this, my 300th limerick, be a naughty one.
A slutty cheerleader named Vicky,
For her pre-game routine has a quickie.
When she then does the splits
It gives fans laughing fits,
She stays splayed-out because she's so sticky.

299. And that's no bull

A black-mailing gal from Seattle
Saw a man doing strange things with cattle.
Said she "What you did sucks!
Pay me 10,000 bucks,
Otherwise, I am going to tattle."

298. No pay inside the beltway

A Washington, D.C. man, Bobby,
Heads the anti-asparagus lobby.
But no one will pay
For what he has to say
So in fact, it's no job, it's a hobby.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

297. Pachyderm sperm

While in old San Diego, dumb Rufus
Created somewhat of a zoo fuss.
He tried to get spunk
From an elephant's trunk --
There never has been such a doofus!

296. Missionary position only

A couple named Roger and Janie
Had troubles 'cause she was complainy.
When he'd get the itch
She became a real bitch
If he asked her to try something zany.

295. Microsoft's bane

A large group of cheap PC users
Can be categorized as big losers.
They ask friends for software,
Which version?  Don't oft care
'Cause beggars, it's true, can't be choosers.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

294. Peruse these...

A Peruvian rancher named Luna
Has a fairly large herd of vicuna.
He sniffs at the fannies
Of all of the nannies,
Like women, they smell just like tuna.



PD11.  This one is #1511 in Legman's The Limerick.
There once was a girl from Peru
Who had nothing much better to do,
So she sat on the stairs
And counted cunt hairs --
Four thousand three hundred and two.

293. Odd Todd

There once was a fellow named Todd
With a habit considered quite odd.
Drank only green tea,
And the tea made his pee
Look chartreuse when departing his bod.

292. Ice box

A very poor woman named Jana
Had a real ancient 'fridge from Amana.
The thing was so old
It used ice to stay cold,
She inherited it from her nana.

291. Bar made

A middle-aged woman named Soozie
Was known far-and-wide as a floozie.
If you bought her three drinks
It was easy, methinks,
To make your way into her coozie.

290. Chantilly filly

There is a young maiden named Casey
Who wears bras and pants that are lacy
Though parts of her figger
Could be a bit bigger
Her underwear makes her look racy.

Monday, October 24, 2011

289. Morning wood

A man who was sort of a loner
Awakened each day with a boner.
To relieve this condition
He'd stroke 'til emission.
No donee, just one lonely donor.

288. Sommelier by the bay

A fishmonger good at filletin'
Spent lots of time catchin' and weighin'.
When asked "What goes well
With these fish that you sell?"
He'd reply "White wines labeled 'Chilean.'"

287. Baham! Daham!

An unusual fellow named Graham
Had a prick like a battering raham.
When the thing would get hard
'Twas one-third of a yard
And he'd ream out his wife's bearded claham.

286. Contrarian agrarian

A foolish old farmer named Billy
Did things that were totally silly.
He'd hook up a cow,
Not a horse, to his plow
And go through his fields willy-nilly.

285. In arrears

There once were a couple of Sheiks
Who acted as if they were Greiks.
Kept boys in the harem,
Would tell them "Now bare 'em"
And insert their dicks 'tween the cheiks.

284. Indian indigestion

A very odd woman named Murry
Enjoyed eating food spiced with curry.
But it didn't like her --
Indigestion would spur
Several trips to the john in a hurry.

PD9-10 Machinations

A couple of classics for you...
There once was a man named Eugene
Who invented a fucking machine.
It could screw either sex,
Both concave and convex,
But it sure was a bastard to clean.


That same old man named Eugene
Invented a jack-off machine.
But the damned thing broke,
Quadrupled its stroke,
And beat his balls to a cream.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

279-283. Three nice, two naughty


Once again, The Limericist must hit the road until Sunday.
A mother in Georgia named Myrna
One December was trying to discern a
Downtown map of Atlanta
To take kids to Santa.
(There wasn't one back home in Smyrna.)


A woman whose name was Patrice
Was quite fond of the flavor anise.
She ate so much liquorice
It made her quite sickuorice
Which caused her strange habit to cease.


A weak-stomached whaler named Luke,
In his job had to look for the fluke
Of a blue or grey whale
With the boat under sail.
From the crow's nest he often would puke.


A man, 68, but quite limber
Whose romances were "May to December",
Couldn't ever get laid
By a half-his-age maid..
Mainly due to his flaccid old member.


There once was a rascal named Guy
Who loved eating pussy, oh my!
Friends would ask him to dine
He'd say "Thanks, but I'm fine.
Later on I'll go eat at the Y."

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

278. This one has teeth

There was a young Magyar of Pest
Who delighted in chewing a breast.
But a maiden from Buda
With teeth like a 'cuda
Bit back, and the lad detumesced!

277. Rat infestation

There was an old woman in Germany
Whose house had become very verminy.
The Health guy came out,
Saw the rats, gave a shout
And scathed her with words which were sermony.

276. Or a tennis ball through a garden hose?

A Croatian family named Crumpervich
Had a daughter well-known as a humper bitch
She was kind of a skink
But would fuck like a mink
And could suck all the chrome off a bumper hitch.

275. Sandwiched slut

A bitchy old hooker from Kenya,
Takes on two at a time (in between ya.)
If you get her to come
She'll reduce her price some,
Just don't tell anyone, she'll demean ya.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

274. Shostakovich

For the most part he was a great composer, but...
Some orchestral notes by Dmitri
Belong in a dish we call Petri
Used to cultivate germs --
Notes which make us use terms
Like "a work as transparent as vitri."

If there are other words rhyming with Dmitri, I don't know 'em.

OP15. I saw, I conquered, I came

I found this one at another internet limerick site.  Pretty damned good!
Vidi a young Latin lass
And vici her heart and her ass.
She fondled genteely
My membrum virile

But veni too quickly -- alas.

273. The Runny-nosed bride

A real nervous bride named Jan Howard
Had to walk down the aisle which was bowered.
"I'm allergic" she hacked

"To the flowers."  In fact,
If the truth be known, Jan was a coward.

272. Gas chamber

A glutton for punishment, Bart,
Had a torrid affair with a tart.
When he jumped on her belly
The room would get smelly
For each time he fucked her, she'd fart.

Monday, October 17, 2011

271. Envious

There once was a maiden named Venus
Who had the wrong sex in our genus.
Her disorder Freudian
Upset the young hoyden,
She wished she'd been born with a penis.

270. Parochial school

A Texas boy living in Temple,
Whose teachers (all nuns) thought him simple,
Had one say "You're a dunce."
He just uttered some grunts
And pulled off her sparkling white wimple.

269. Bad Brad

There was a rude fellow named Brad
Who was known far and wide as a cad.
He had language atrocious
And breath most ferocious --
All things from his mouth were just bad.

268. Married, no doubt

There once was a woman from Italy
Who performed in the bed rather shittily.
This woman Italic

Despised all things phallic,
Just lay there and didn't do diddly.

267. Barker with scales

There once was a fellow named Barney
With a job in a traveling carnie.
He worked on the midway
And guessed what you did weigh
The spiel that he used was all blarney.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

266. Idaho why I wrote this one

A young boy who lived up in Boise
Had a unique collection of toys.  He
Only liked those
From which sounds arose,

Trains, police cars and fire trucks, all noisy.

265. Dover soul

A Delaware faggot named Percy
Had a butch boyfriend in New Jersey.
He'd drive up from Dover
Drop trou and bend over
His buggerer showed him no mercy.

264. Rough sex

A careless young bastard named Andy
Took a girl to the beach to get randy.
As he entered her snatch he
Said "Sorry it's scratchy,
I just dragged my dick and it's sandy."

Friday, October 14, 2011

257-263. Seven to tide you over

I will be back posting on 10/16.

An unfortunate woman named Jane
Each month suffered pre-menstrual pain.
Her husband would hide all
Her bottles of Midol
And beat her with whips and a chain.

A man whose real name was Joaquin
Was a show-offy cross-dressing queen.
He called himself "Sharon"
And wore Donna Karan,
On dates what he did was obscene.


A desperate fellow named Freddy
Asked a nine-year-old girl to go steady.
She turned him down cold
Because she wasn't old
Enough.  Also, she just wasn't ready.


An out-doorsy rascal named Lew
Laid a willing young maid in the dew.
Her name had been Sonia
(She died of pneumonia)
A helluva price for a screw.


A good-looking cocksman named Mack
Is world-reknowned in the sack.
His marvelous powers
Let Mack fuck for hours
Both topside and flat on his back.


A horny teen-ager named Lloyd,
Masturbation thrice-daily employed.
When he'd get that odd feeling
His wads hit the ceiling.
His mother was highly annoyed.


A man went out looking for snatch
His intent to get all he could catch.
Found nineteen or twenty
Which seemed to him plenty
And one by one, fucked the whole batch.


Thursday, October 13, 2011

256. www

An internet-savvy whore, Liz
Advertises herself like a whiz.
She's set up a page
That's become all the rage,
Go to pussyformoney.biz

254-255. Squeaky clean

A new Scottish chef named McDoffle
Decided to make some falafel
His beans known as fava
Were harder than lava --
The finished dish tasted quite awful.


A strange fortune-teller named Nancy
Had a shop in New York on Delancey

She was known as a bitch
And perhaps was a witch
For she dabbled in things necromancy.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

253. Bris miss

A circumcised man known as Clark
Used a moyel who just missed the mark.
Clark wasn't too proud
Of his penis's shroud
So he only would fuck in the dark.

252. Castrato

A once booming basso named Jeff
Lost his balls in a fight with a chef
Besides being sterile
When singing a carol
His notes are now in treble clef.

250-251. Eating disorders

There once was a woman named Kate
Obsessed with her figure and weight.
Her portions were mini
So she was quite skinny,
Ate tofu when out on a date.


Anorexia soon was her fate
And she'd puke what had been on her plate
The added bulimia
Was just too extremia
Kate's now referred to as "the late."

249. Medusa-like

There was a musician named Morgan,
Who had him an odd-looking organ.
Not with keys you could play --
When his swelled up you'd say
It was scary and looked like a gorgon!

248. Posthumous praise

A German composer named Mahler
In his lifetime could not make a dahler
With the stuff that he'd writ.
(No one liked it one bit.)
Once he died, well his stature grew tahler.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

247. $300,000 Coffin

A filthy-rich heiress named Jeannie
Drives a shiny-new red Lamborghini.
It will go two-nineteen,
What remains to be seen
Is how soon, at that speed, she'll be fini.

246. Wench stench

A scrofulous woman named Sal
Had a cunt odor you'd label mal
Odorous. Whew!
Just one whiff, you'd say "Peww!
I have never smelled pussy so foul!"

245. Talented tongue

A silver-tongued devil named Maxwell
Was noted for playing the sax well.
His actions were gallant
But mainly, his talent
Was talking girls onto their backs well.

Monday, October 10, 2011

244. Social diseases

A prostitute whose name was Lydia
Would pass STDs when she didia.
That filthy jeune fille
Had bad gonorrhea
Plus syphilis, crabs and chlamydia.

243. 4Ging ahead

A man with no voice box named Peter,
Finds the 21st century neater
Than his former life.
Now, to speak to his wife
He'll just take out his cell phone and tweet her.

242. Once IS enough

A horny young rascal named Jim,
Loved to slip his prick into a quim.
But his herky-jerk thrusting
Was so damned disgusting
His chances for "seconds" were slim.

PD7-8. Classics

It's time for two more from the archives.  Each is anonymous.
There once was a young man from Kent
Whose dick was exceedingly bent.
So to save him much trouble
He'd put it in double
And instead of coming, he went.


There once was a man from Cape Horn,
Who wished that he'd never been born.
And he wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his rubber was torn.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

240-241. Return of the Limericist

Sorry to have been offline Friday and Saturday.  Same schedule for the next two weekends...  I'll resume each Sunday night.

A guy in the closet named Claybo
Chose a flamer to be his new gay beau.
He said "I'm not outed,
Our love can't be flouted,
It's best if we sneak 'round and lay low."


There once was a young man named Hans,
Whose penis was dead 'round the glans.
With no nerves to excite
He could stay hard all night,
Never coming.  The girls were big fans!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

236-239. Four frankly filthy ones

The limericist will be away from his computer until October 9.  He feels obligated to leave his readers with plenty of material until he gets back online.  These four and the following three will have to suffice until Sunday evening...

A big horny rascal named Frank,
Quite often his wiener would yank.
When not self-abusing

You'd find him amusing
A girl with his frank in her tank.


A young 69er named Tory
Is the subject of this 5-line story.
For her cherry you bob
While she nibbles your knob,
She's a virgin but soon she'll be whory.


An ancient hotel clerk named Roger,
Tried to screw every feminine lodger.
Though in age, eighty-three,
Took Viagra, you see,
And he sometime would score, that old codger!


An unusual woman named Liz,
Liked to undress and have her man whiz
On her face and her boobs
And her ass and her pubes,
Then she'd suck him and swallow his jizz.

233-235. Three pristine ones

A shy and a feckless old pirate
Had a pistol but never would fire it.
He hadn't a cutlass
For he was too gutless,
If his flag got attacked, he'd retire it.

A man named José was quite wee
He was only as tall as your knee.
When he went to a game
Folks in front would proclaim,
"We'll scoot over.  José, can you see?"

There once was a boozer named Lars
With a couple of small hybrid cars.
To get better mileage
He ran them on silage
And used 'em to drive to the bars.

232. Henry Purcell, 1659-1695

An English composer wrote well,
But some critics don't think him so swell.
They slam him, what's worse'll
Pronounce his name PURS-ul.
(Most likely he said it pur-SELL.)

231. Lorena Bobbitt's sister?

There once was a fellow named Chris Smith
Who hadn't a pecker to piss with
It was lost in the war --
Not in battle, a whore
Cut it off. (Sometimes sex is a bliss myth.)

230. Worth the price

The final 'h' is silent in all lines...
The 'cello concerto by Hindemith
Requires every player to blendabith.
To the unwashed, its dissonance
Won't always bring blissonance
But if Yo Yo is playing, they'll spendabith.

229. Not a chance

An arrogant bastard named Trevor
Liked to say "As a cocksman, I'm clever."
But each girl he approached,
When the subject was broached
Unequivocally said to him "Never!"

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

228. A twist of law

A pugnacious fellow named Mort,
Was quite an irascible sort.
At a bar late one night
He started a fight,
Got arrested and charged with a tort.

227. Pole dole

There once was a fellow named Lutz
Who had an eleven-inch putz.
For girls, he'd no passion,
Instead he would ration
It inch-by-inch into men's butz.

225-226. The French pronounce it "Kwah" (sort of)

But read it "Croy."
Vacationing down in St. Croix
A girl fell in love with a boix
Every night they'd go wild
And soon she was with child,
Which ended her summer of joix.


And here's some more French spoken their way.
A frivolous fellow from France
Had a marvelous gigantic schwantz.
When he'd fuck les jeunes filles
He would fill them with glee
By the way that he diddled their haunts.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

223-224. The long and the short of it

There once was a woman named Mary,
Whose snatch was incredibly hairy.
Men would poke and they'd push
Trying to get through her bush,
None succeeded -- she still has her cherry.


A gal had a twat that was bare,
In fact, not a single cunt hair.
Might have been alopecia --
Whatever, she'd plecia
When fucking her denuded lair.

222. Back boned

There once was a hooker named Myrtle,
Had her tubes tied so she wasn't fertile.
When she screwed in the sack,
Couldn't get off her back
So her nickname was "Myrtle the Turtle."

221. Don't mention it

There was a fat woman from Georgia
Who most of the time just ignorgia.
If you got her attention
'Twas best not to mention
Her weight or she really abhorgia.

Monday, October 3, 2011

220. An observation

Most Jews say that Arabs are lowly
And most Arabs think Jews are controlly.
Each Middle-east species
Says "Your race is feces!"
It's hard to call either side 'holy.'

219. Diseases

A drunkard who suffered dyslexia
Searched for help for his wife's anorexia.
He googled for 'codrot',
"It's 'doctor', you odd sot"
She said.  "Or do your balls perplex ya?"

Sunday, October 2, 2011

218. Shrinkage

A silly weightlifter named Rick,
Whose body was both hard and thick,
Used crank with a steroid
Which made him quite paranoid
And shrank his once seven-inch dick
.

217. Braveheart

The Scot, William Wallace, was martyred,
'Cause with Longshanks he never had bartered.
When he wouldn't recant
Any previous rant
Edward I had our boy drawn and quartered.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

216. A flop at running

A gal in a race, trying to keep up,
Had tits five times the size of a teacup!
She remarked "Double-E
Is just way tight on me,
What I wish I could find is a G-cup."

215. Another short story