Tuesday, December 31, 2013

1223. And you thought Jocasta was hung...

When Rex gets all swollen for sex
His dick reaches clear to his pecs
This half-yard display
Causes partners to say,
"May I please ride your edifice, Rex?"

Monday, December 30, 2013

1222. ANY woman's a sex object

A virgin of 60, Miss Patters,
Against illicit sex often natters.
Though wizened and prim
She still has a quim
(To most guys nothing else really matters.)

Writing this one reminded me of when I was a freshman in high school, riding to a tennis tournament.  A senior, reputed to be quite a cock-hound, was also in the car.  We passed a girl on the sidewalk and I commented about how unattractive she was.  He said, "Did she have a hole between her legs?"  "I suppose so" I said.  He shot back, "Well, then, she was damn good lookin'."

Saturday, December 28, 2013

1221. On the hornys of a dilemma

A homo I know has become
Unsightly and sick, human scum!
Upper cheeks, pyorrhea,
Lower ones, diarrhea.
So which should I fuck, gums or bum?

Thursday, December 26, 2013

1220. Izzat cat or rat scat?

The man named St. Fran of Assisi
Liked pets of about any specie
It is said he could tell
What one was by the smell
Wafting up from its freshly-dropped fece.

Monday, December 23, 2013

1219. Road hazard

While hitch-hiking, I got a lift
But a gas station's john left me miffed.
I never knew spirochetes
Could live on toilet seats
Must be true 'cause I got syphed.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

1218. Beating around the bush

A virgin boy wanted to score
With a girl who was bad to the core.
The fool tried to blandish her
With words outlandisher
Than she had e'er heard before.

Sounds as if a straightforward "Wanna fuck?" would have worked.

1217. Abusement Park

A predator guy at Six Flags
Enjoys picking up teen-aged fags
His dick he'll then shove
Up The Tunnel of Love
Or into one's throat 'til he gags.

Monday, December 16, 2013

1216. The end of the grind

I began this blog in late July, 2011.  It has been a joy to read the limericks posted by you followers and your often-hilarious comments to mine.  I hope I've provided you with entertainment through some of my better ones.

However, in reading back over my offerings of the past few months, I've found them not as fresh as many from earlier.  Some have been too contrived to qualify as "good ones."  I also notice that my mind isn't latching onto unusual words (for rhyming) heard in conversation, on radio, or TV as it used to.  The wheels don't automatically start turning.  When I try to start that engine myself, I can tell that the resultant five-liner isn't "worthy", but I post it anyway just to keep the blog active. 

The drop in quality has resulted in a drop in daily visits.  Site visits stayed above 20/day for the first two years.  Since Nov.1, they've averaged around 8, attributable in large part to my deteriorating quality.  This will be my last "regularly-scheduled" posting.  If the muse returns and I create one worth sharing, I will, but this may happen only sporadically. 

Thanks so much for supporting me these past 28+ months and do check back at least fortnightly.  Maybe a few good ones will have sprung to life!

Nearly daily I've posted a limerick
And when good, just like jewels they've sat shimmerick
But I'm getting too old
Think my tent I will fold
For my readers have all gone a'glimmerick.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

1215. One of The Boys in the Band*?

A gay young musician named Morgan
Learned keyboards from some guy named Jorgen
His playing is guano
Upon the piano
But oh how he sucks on an organ.

* Click here if the title doesn't resonate...

Friday, December 13, 2013

1214. I'd like tin-whistle style

There once was a woman from Butte
A whiz kid at playing skin flutte
She could play both transverse
And straight on, but this verse
Might be better if heard through a mutte.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

1213. My best day so far

I haven't limericized lately.
My surgery (two hours, sedately)
Was successful, I'm told,
But I'm getting too old
Because several places hurt greatly!

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

PD111-117. One weak's worth

A young lady who fancied a man some,
Was had three times in a hansom.
When she clamored for more,
Her man became sore
And said, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."

There was a young lady from Brewster
Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her.
But her panties were thin
And my finger slipped in
And it still just don't smell like it used ter.

The bribe that young streetwalker Stover
Employs as a sexual rover
Is to hand-job police
As she gives one release
She will giggle, "My cop runneth over!"

Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a back from Cal State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus.

There once was pervert named Manny
Who stuck his long prick up his fanny
Now he's flailing about
Seems he can't get it out
He can't shit, he can't piss. It's uncanny!

There was an old maid of Duluth
Who wept when she thought of her youth
And the glorious chances
She missed at school dances
And once in a telephone booth.

A soldier known only as Sarge,
Had sex with a hooker named Marge
Though only a grunt
He assaulted her cunt
And gave her an hon'rable discharge.

OP131. Transportation aggravation

There once was a man on the bus
Whose health started to concern us
His worsening condition
Would cause an emission - 

Not of shit, nor of piss, but of pus.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

1212. A true hero and leader

Requiescat in Pace, Mandela.
Has ever there been such a fella?
The whole world should mourn
But should not feel forlorn
For the life that he lived was so bella.

1211. Voice mail after maybe 100 rings?

A horny and techie gal, Joan,
In her twat placed a cellular phone*
With a devilish smile
Used her landline to dial
Wouldn't answer, but oh how she'd moan.

  * On vibrate, no doubt

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

1209-1210. No greater prevaricator

That crazy old Baron Münchhausen
Told tall tales about his carousin'
He had a capacity
For total mendacity
(Which means he told lies by the thousan')

To do this took plenty of moxie
(And he did not tell 'em by proxy.)*
No, those all-made-up quips
Came straight from his lips
Which should have been sealed with epoxy.

* Click here if needed...

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

1208. B & D and she

That naughty old Marquis de Sade
Kept a woman who had a hot bade
Her protests were futile
The sessions were brutal
He used whips and chains and his rade.

Monday, December 2, 2013

1207. Should have pulled out all the stops

Western Union no longer does telegrams
Those yellow and terse parallelograms.
Saying, "I love you stop"
Didn't have enough pop
So I never sent them to my fellow Grahams.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

1206. Prep talk

A cute and hirsute brunette, Betty,
Enjoys being fucked on her settee
But the pubes are so generous
Upon her mons veneris
You'll first need to find a machete.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

1205. I'm surlier earlier

I don't think 'Black Friday' is supposed to refer to my mood, but it usually does.
My neighbors have put up their lights
They're gaudy and ruin nice nights
Do I not remember
The 10th of December
As start date for neighborhood blights?

Friday, November 29, 2013

PD107-110. The great outdoors

To her groundsman complained Lady Bliss,
"I suspect that there’s something amiss.
These drooping hydrangeas
Were praised once by strangers.
Carruthers, I know where you piss!"

Said a green cabin-dweller called Cade
"Shit surely will bio-degrade
Since I've no indoor plumbing
When a crap is a-coming
I head for the woods with a spade."

While whizzing on deck, an old boatswain
Fell asleep, and his pisser got frozen.
It snapped at the shank,
And it fell off and sank
In the sea---'twas his own fault for dozin'.

When Theocritus guarded his flock
He piped in the shade of a rock.
It is said that his Muse
Was one of the ewes
With a bum like a pink hollyhock.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

1204. Non-traditional (and non-true)

It's Thanksgiving Day, I feel quirky
I've decided to bypass the turkey
I'll eat dressing and gravy,
Enough for a navy
But as for meat, I'll have beef jerky.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

1203. 3-2-1... Contacts!

As he stroked to a mag of nude lasses
A teen's mother walked in, gave him sasses:
"Besides rotting your mind,
You're gonna go blind!"
Kid:  "May I do it 'til I need glasses?"

More and more I'm resorting to writing limericks with punch lines from hoary jokes.  Does my lack of originality indicate that it's time I quit?

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

1202. Look, Ma! No hands!

A virile young Hebrew named Lehman
Delights in his nocturnal dreamin'
He sometimes will wake
With his putz in a lake
Of freshly-deposited semen.

Monday, November 25, 2013

PD104-106. A clutch of clean classics

A Chicago meat packer named Young
One day, when his nerves were unstrung,
Put his wife's ma, unseen,
In a sausage machine
And canned her, and labelled her ”Tongue.”

Cinderella (so called 'cause she's sootiful),
To her stepmother always was dutiful.
She went to the ball,
Let her glass slipper fall,
Now a sole-kissing prince thinks she's beautiful.

A young schizophrenic named Struther
When told of the death of his brother,
Said, ”Yes, it's too bad,
But I can't feel too sad;
After all, I still do have each other.” 

Sunday, November 24, 2013

1201. Non-appealing feeling

There once was a young haberdasher
Whom the girls all considered a masher.
"I don't care how you're dressed,
Get your hand off my breast"
Said one, dashing his chances to gash 'er.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

1200. Uncommon commentator

The comic named Steven Colbert
Will say anything on a dert

Politicians discordant
Get comments quite mordant
Thank God, censors don't seem to cert.

Friday, November 22, 2013

1199. Menorahty rules

Yesterday, I again received the email that's been going around for several years re: The Washington Post limerick contest requiring that "Lewinsky and Kaczinsky both be included.  While it was at least the fifteenth time I'd received it, it did inspire this

Bill Clinton liked using his Konica
To take pics of Jewish slut Monica
He'd snap her undressing,
Then kneeling and blessing
His pecker (just not during Hannukah.)

I'm guessing she did do it during Nosh Hashanah...

Thursday, November 21, 2013

1198. Name that book

A Texas man, well-known for quipping,
Found his date on the rag, she was dripping.
He said with a quiver,
"I'll wade the Red River
But I ain't about to try sipping."

I thought I remembered the line, "I'll wade in the Red River but I won't drink from it" as being from Semi-Tough.  However, a (specious?) Google search yielded North Dallas Forty as the source.  Comment if you know for sure.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

1197. Big buildup for a mediocre limmie

Robin Sutherland, Principal Pianist with the San Francisco Symphony, has been mentioned herein several times.  We are friends and besides his being an excellent musician he's one of the cleverest people I know.  In a recent email he wrote, "The symphony is rehearsing Benjamin Britten's War Requiem, or, as I like to call it, 'The Dead Person's Guide to the Orchestra'..." 

(For you non-musicians, one of Britten's most famous works is "The Young Person's Guide to the Orchestra.")  Anyway,

Of composer Ben, much has been written
(I refer to Sir Benjamin Britten)
Robin's "Dead Person's Guide"
Made me laugh 'til I cried
His humor's again left me smitten.

If you'd like to hear some of Robin's fine and sensitive playing, CLICK HERE.

1196. Stalling for time

There is a young asshole named Acker
Who at work is a consummate slacker
Given some task to do

He heads off to the loo
And plays with his small tallywhacker.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

1195. The rabbit died!

My daughter and son-in-law recently notified us that "they" are pregnant.
Next May, first-time grandpa I'll be!
So I'm walking to strengthen my knee.
I've heard, "When you dandle
Naught else holds a candle
And you will be filled with great glee!"

Monday, November 18, 2013

1194. This is a stretch

A Michigan man who's named Monson
Possesses the world's longest Johnson
He gets hard in Detroit
To fuck girls in Beloit --
A city in southern Wisconsin.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

1193. Apologies for The Inquisition, et. al.

In much of the world, there's a prevalence
Of Catholics doing benevolence
Guess they want to atone
For when they did condone
Converting "the lost" through malevolence.

I'll be having some surgery done in a few weeks and am thankful that Tulsa has not one, but two large and excellent (Catholic) hospitals -- St. John where my two kids were born and St. Francis (where I'll be having a couple of kidney 'boulders' removed.)

Saturday, November 16, 2013

PD98-103. Six clever classics

The god Thor told the whore he was with
Who he was, hence his great monolith.
She exclaimed, "You ARE Thor!",
When they got off the floor,
"I'm tho thore I don't think I can pith!"

An unfortunate lad from Madrid
Possessed both Super-Ego and Id,
So whether he screwed,
Or completely eschewed
He felt guilty, whatever he did.

A self-centered young fellow named Newcombe
Who seduced many girls but made few come
Said, "The pleasures of tail
Were ordained for the male.
I've had mine. Do I care whether you come?" 

A short-organed fellow named Kevin,
Used a vacuum to stretch it to seven.
Then to eight and to nine,
Thought ten was divine,
And there will be film at eleven...

A twitchy young bitch named O'Brien
Sighed, ”Joe, you just keep right on tryin'.
I'll leave you my card,
And when it gets hard
Please wire or drop me a line.

”Let's try it this new way,” said Jack
As he winked at the girl in the sack.
She turned and she grunted,
”I should be affronted,
But this time, I'm taken aback!”

Friday, November 15, 2013

1192. The bro bra

I've added some flab to my rear
But that's not the place I most fear
If my chest gets much lamer
I'll need Cosmo Kramer
To create for me a manssière.

Popular culture owes much to Seinfeld.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

1191. Hardly a day goes by

Perhaps it's because I'm so frugal
That I feel I should blast on a bugle.
For Bing I've no deference --
When seeking free reference
I use that search engine called Google.

How'd you like to be an encyclopædia salesman in this day and age?

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

1190. A lousy playground

A skanky old whore had some scabs
Which ranged from her thighs to her abs.
She hadn't a clue:
What's the cause?  What to do?
Turned out they were bites made by crabs.

Monday, November 11, 2013

OP130. Slick Willy

When Willy goes out to a mixer
He spies a girl out and he picks her

To get her in the mood
And get her in the nude
He tricks her, then licks her and dicks her.

1189. Wheel never know how he got home

An Englishman, Lord Smithwick-Gyre,
Unicycled his way to a fyre
But he rolled up too close
And was very morose
When the blaze then consumed his lone tyre.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

OP129. Yesterday, on TODAY

From Tijuana to ‘way up at Thule
‘50’s folk liked to watch Jack Lescoulie.
    Smooth Dave Garroway charmed
    Us, signed “Peace,” but alarmed
J. Fred Muggs, whose high jinx were unruly.

1188. Any port vs. a storm

A man with a wife from St. Kitts
Never knew when she might get the shits
So he'd smear KY jelly
All over her belly

And fuck just her tits or her pits.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

OP128. A Blue Ribbon Performance (in 34 seconds)

On TODAY I watched Roker and Lauer
Get a health check that makes most men cower.
    Matt’s own doc cracked crude jokes
    Then dispensed rectal pokes.
Why submit?  Prostate cancer is dour.

Live, on the November 7 TODAY Show telecast, a urologist administered digital rectal exams to hosts Matt Lauer and Al Roker.  For more detail, read the first Comment.

Friday, November 8, 2013

1187. This sounds like midway to me

Down his leg, that is...
A sideshow freak keeps his cock curled,
Twenty inches(!) but once it's unfurled
All those who have seen this
Incredible penis
Say it's the 8th Wonder of World.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

1185-1186. He is on it from boot to bonnet

2015 will mark 50 years since several of the guys in my Air Force squadron arrived at Randolph AFB outside San Antonio.  One of them, Mike McCabe, recently wrote that the 1952 MG-TD he bought and restored during that time has been garaged ever since he got married in 1970.  He says it needs some work but if he can get it running, he plans to drive it to our 50th Reunion!  I responded with

McCabe thinks that it would be keen
To party in 2015
And if it will shift, he
Will drive to our fifti-
eth in his TD -- what a scene!

I'll be there to share in the mirth
And to see who has gained the most girth
I'll make the long drive
Right down I-35
That is if I'm still on this earth.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

1184. Playin' footsie

A man I know says with a smirk,
"I use my right foot when I jerk.
Since I'm double-jointed
This means I've anointed
My toes, not my hands -- a nice perq."

I often see that final word spelled "perk" but it's short for "perquisite."

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

1183. Reeve only just begun

In The Miller's Tale, Old Geoffrey Chaucer
Writes of Alison, "three want to toss her"
Husband, 'Carpenter John',
Nicholas, Absolon.
It seems each one knows how to boss her.

Monday, November 4, 2013

1182. It's not funny money

We fellows like whores who solicit us
But not, when we're done, if they dis-sed us.
When, for money, we came
Much too soon and they shame
Us it seems they're a wee bit duplicitous.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

1181. On the screws vs. in the pews

A country club golfer named Burch
Had a wife, tried to get him to church.
With the course closed on Mondays
He couldn't miss Sundays
She often got left in the lurch.

A long, straight shot with a driver is said to have been hit 'on the screws.'

Saturday, November 2, 2013

1180. But have my limericks pejorated?

A cocksman both mated and sated
A virgin ('tho she'd masturbated)
He said to Amelia,
"I'll do more than feel ya'"

Then found how Amelia rated.

Friday, November 1, 2013

1179. Had he no sense of humid?

Read a fine Sci-Fi novel last June
Have you heard of it?  It is called "Dune"
To be perfectly Frank
Mr. Herbert does rank
Near the top.  Disagree?  You're a loon!

Thursday, October 31, 2013

1178. You may crap after reading

A Japanese slut overseas
Had breasts which were certain to please
She'd point at her chest
And slyly suggest,
"Hey, mister, you rike nipponese?"

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

1177. Reel relief

There once was a husband named Kettle
Whose wife sorely tested his mettle
To escape her derision
He'd leave and go fishin'
Which put him in much finer fettle.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

PD95-97. More classics

There once was a rich old roué
Who felt himself slipping away.
He endowed a large ward
In a house where he'd whored.
Was a crowd at his funeral?  I'll say!

There was an old parson of Lundy,
Fell asleep in his vestry on Sunday.
He awoke with a scream:
"What, another wet dream!
This comes from not frigging since Monday."

A sheep-herder outside Van Buren
Lost half of his flock with the murrain.
Quoth the state veterinary,
"You ought not to carry
Them spirochetes found in your urine.

Monday, October 28, 2013

1176. 1000 cc rider

There once was a German named Dieter
Who owned an incredible peter
It was long, it was thick,
And was such a big dick
Its displacement was more than a liter.

You need to be pretty old to recognize the rock song in my title.

1175. It's the Series, dearies!

Some sportsmen enjoy going hunting
While boatsmen would much prefer punting
But this time of year
It's baseball that's near
To my heart.  Love red, white, and blue bunting.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

1174. The screw-cap fetters

Apologies to C.S. Lewis for that title.
A wino prefers not to dine
Instead, drinks the fruit of the vine
Each time he does tipple
Some Night Train or Ripple
He winds up in jail (not so fine.)

Friday, October 25, 2013

1173. My WORST limerick

Filthy enough for ya?
There once was a dastardly dinge
Who would get your ass cheeks to unhinge
He would next fuck your butt
As he called you his slut
Then retrieve his cum with a syringe.

In NYC in the mid '60s, 'dinge' was slang for 'black homosexual.'  Still?

OP127. My wurst limerick

There once was a woman named Kirstin
Who told me that I could be first in
I started with foreplay
Till she said "No more play,
I need you to put your bratwurst in."

Thursday, October 24, 2013

1172. I've heard a pinprick also works

While screwing a gal, crafty Phil
Thought the woman was lying too still
He inserted his thumb
In the hole in her bum
And she came with an extra large thrill.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

1171. I hate it, too

There once was a tourist named Murry,
Went to India, tried out the curry.
He hated the smell
And it didn't sit well
Had to head for the loo in a hurry.

Monday, October 21, 2013

1170. The better to humor you with

P.G. Wodehouse (say 'wood-house') was one of the funniest writers of the 20th century.  His unusually-pronounced surname provided the fodder for the following:

A girl went to walk through the wode
On her head, wore a bright crimson hode
While headed to granny
Had sex with a man, he
Declared, "Wow, your pussy feels gode!"

Sunday, October 20, 2013

1169. Jewish baggage

Overloaded, the poor bell-hop crept
Up six flights, and though he was adept
It took quite a while
And the guest didn't smile,
"What took so long?"  "I over-schlepped."

OP125-126. The bishop is back

There once was a bishop of Birmingham
And an altar boy set on infirming him

He lifted his frock
And cut off his cock

So he couldn't shoot any more sperm in him.


There once was a bishop of Birmingham
Who liked to have a trouser worm in him
When subjected to jail
He rejected his bail
He says he's got a full prison term in him.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

1168. He's already there

A patrolman discovered young Bart
With his tongue in the twat of a tart.
They were in the back seat,
"Go to Wendy's to eat!"
Said the cop.  Girl: "That's me, have a heart!"

Friday, October 18, 2013

1167. Pennant for St. Louis!

The Dodgers were playing my Redbirds,
In the past that has meant I have said words
That would make sailors blush
But tonight we did crush
Those blue-clad young men into dead turds.

1165-1166. Empty-nesters again

Our kids left for homes near the sea
One to Jersey and one to S.C.
They helped us with labors
(Sure wish they were neighbors)
They're wondrous as wondrous can be!

Though they're in their 30s, I kiss 'em.
I'm sad and I already miss 'em
They're never vexatious
Just totally precious
And I'll have your hide if you dis 'em.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

1164. All aboard!

There once was a man named McCurdy
Whose erect cock was so long and sturdy
It could hold up three 'coons,
Four cats and five loons
Plus the monkey from Sal's hurdy-gurdy.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

1163. Bitch with an itch

An optimist husband from Chad
Has the right to be sad or be mad
Says, "My wife has the scabies
All over her labies
But guess what?  She doesn't smell bad."

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

1162. Norman's Conquest

Denmark's not the one place things are rotten
Did you see OU play in the Cotton
Bowl?  Heupel's a farce,
Bob Stoops can be an arse,
Thank God some day I will have forgotten.

Josh Heupel is OU's offensive (in both senses) coordinator.  Stoops is head coach.

Monday, October 14, 2013

1161. Now get this strait

When I take a visit to Mackinac
The sites I see cure what I lackinac.
Since autos are barred
Girls ride bikes, I get hard,
When their tits jiggle, I start in jackinac."

You did get Mackinaw, lack in awe, and jackin' o(ff), right?

Sunday, October 13, 2013

1160. Away from the waves

A savvy old pirate named Wright
Put his boat in a bay overnight
This anchorage deep
Let his crew get some sleep
And his barque was no worse for the bight.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

1159. Window undressing

A man who's considered demure
In fact, does things which are impure
If the truth it be known
He likes jerking his bone
While peeping, that dirty voyeur.

Friday, October 11, 2013

1157-1158. A week back in the nest

Both our kids are arriving today
For a visit from quite far away
Each lives near the east coast
Both are great (have to boast)
We anticipate quite a nice stay!

We're hosting our son-in-law, too
But our son will just have to make do
His wife must remain
Her boss wouldn't deign
To give her the week off, oh pooh!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

1156. Gotta love those apologists

If you're male then I'll bet you're among
The large number who wish they were hung
They assume that all wenches
Want more than six inches
Researchers say, "That is just dung."
In the 60's I took comfort from this commercial.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

1155. 52 pick-me-up

After hosting two tables for bridge
I went to get punch from my 'fridge
The talk had been boring
I'd done little scoring
So I spiked the bowl just a smidge.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

1154. Ride 'em, copgirl!

A rugged police woman, Madelyn,
Could only orgasm by straddlin'
She'd find a male cop
Lay him down, climb on top,
If he came first she'd give him a paddlin'.

Monday, October 7, 2013

1153. Florida torrid affair

Apologies to Edgar Allen Poe...
An SF queer (an' a bel, he)
Fills and gets filled with more than just glee
Takes his Roca Baton*
Down to Boca Raton
To love and be loved 'side the sea.

If people speak "Spanglish", then Roca (Sp.) + Baton (Fr.) is "Spench" for (hard as a) 'rock stick'

Sunday, October 6, 2013

1152. Golf, etc. weekend

Four guys to the park known as Roman
Nose went, played golf into the gloamin'.
Told jokes, farted loud,
Crapped to make a mule proud
And no one's hair got any combin'.
Thanks, good buddies, for a super weekend!  Wonder how many days it will take to get all the alcohol out of our systems?

Saturday, October 5, 2013

1151. Drinking for a living

There once was a fellow named Neal
Whose stomach was huge, made of steel
He could drink so much Yuengling
The brothers named Ringling
Hired Neal for his sideshow appeal.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

1150. Limping thru life

An impotent loser named Cass
Sure wanted his first piece of ass
He felt he might score
If he went to a whore

But no rise in his dick came to pass.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

1149. "And he shingles up the middle!"

Two in a row on America's Pastime..
They've taken me off of the roster
I can still play!  I'm not an impostor!
It's 'cause everyone's bitching
About all the itching
I have from my damned Herpes zoster.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

1148. Stop at third!

A semi-pro girl softball player
Has a deal with the town's horny mayor
She exposes her nipples
Whenever she triples
To increase the money he'll pay 'er.

Monday, September 30, 2013

1147. Under a canopy, perhaps

A woman zoo keeper, Amanda,
Wanted servants -- took home a large panda.
She taught it to think
And to mix any drink

Served with canapés on her veranda.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

1146. Gem dandy

I know of a woman named Meryl
Whose clit is as hard as a beryl
If her pussy you crave
Then you'd better be brave
You'll be putting your pecker in peryl.

I learned this by doing a streep search...

Friday, September 27, 2013

1145. Bussman's holiday

A kiss-loving rascal named Goocher
Found a girl whose mouth needed a suture
To close it, this predator

Both wooed 'er and bedded 'er
While constantly getting to smooch 'er.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

1144. A capitol fellow!

While taking the tour of the U.S. Capitol today, I met a very nice man from WV.
This fellow I met, Denis Cooper,
Said his name might have one time been 'Hooper'
Each made barrels and casks
But if anyone asks
Denis' preference is "find gal and schtupp 'er."

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

1143. Good gracious!

The lim'rick is often salacious
Abounding with women vivacious
Who get chased by men

Having both yen and ken
To catch them and do acts rapacious.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

PD92-94. Gorey stuff

Edward Gorey was an American author and artist.  His limericks were almost always clean (and spooky like his drawings.)  Learn more HERE.
A gift was delivered to Laura,
From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah.
Wrapped in tissue and crêpe,
It was peeled, like a grape,
And emitted a pale, greenish aura...

Each night Father fills me with dread
When he sits at the foot of my bed;
I'd not mind that he speaks
In gibbers and squeaks,
But for seventeen years he's been dead...

The Dowager Duchess of Spout
Collapsed at the height of a rout.
She found strength to say,
As they bore her away,
"I should never have taken the trout."

Ed. note: If you understand the last line, please comment.  It's eluding me...

Monday, September 23, 2013

1142. Next time, a hot dog and a coke

In hopes he'd get laid, bachelor Virge
On his blind date decided to splurge
Bought her filet mignon
And for wine, Haut Brion --
Nine hundred bucks later, no merge.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

1141. Thin Ben

There once was a fellow named Benny
Whose Johnson was awfully mini.
One that's little like that
Is quite often fat
But Benny's was both short and skinny.

PD90-91. Fine for a while...

The limerick, peculiar to English,
 Is a verse-form that's hard to extinguish.
 Once Congress in session
 Decreed its supression
 But people got around it by writing the last line without any rhyme or metre.

 There was a young man of Japan
 Whose limericks never would scan.
 When they asked him why,
 He said, with a sigh,
 "It's because I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can."

Friday, September 20, 2013

1140. Can't uranium in rather than killing 'em?

A chemistry prof (judge and jury)
Had students who brought him to fury.
Took them off to the stadium
And killed 'em with radium
In honor of Madame M. Curie.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

1139. Pedal to the meddle

A nasty old bastard with wile
Rides a bike while in search of a chile
Each kid that he catches
He buggers and lech-es
The headline?  "Cops Seek Pedalphile"

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

1138. Half Nelson

As Willie has been wont to say,
"Ain't it funny how time slips away?"
I find as I age
I'm becoming less sage
Never thought it would be quite this way...

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

1137. I promise not to*

As a sweet young thing nibbled my knob
I felt it beginning to throb
Now she is forlorner
'Cause I didn't warn her

'Fore filling her cheeks with my gob.

* The three biggest lies in the world are
"I love you," "The check is in the mail," and "I promise not to come in your mouth."

Monday, September 16, 2013

1136. Sari state of affairs

Miss America judges must toke --
Chose an Indian woman, no joke!
New York's Davuluri

Is causing a fury
Among xenophobicky folk.

She is a citizen of Indian heritage.  (That's "dot", not "feather" Indian.)

Saturday, September 14, 2013

1135. Unsound on the mound

My team has a left-handed flinger
Whose ex-girlfriend gave him the finger
Fucked a right-handed pitcher
Which made Lefty ditch 'er
He's pissed and each game, yields a dinger.

"Dinger" is baseball slang for a home run.

Friday, September 13, 2013

1134. The power of suggestion

While drunk in a bar that was smoky
Shot my wad as I watched Karaoke
How a slut held the mic
Made me fondle my spike,
The cops arrived.  I'm in the pokey.

Speaking of indecent exposure, in the 1970 movie, "The Owl and the Pussycat", Streisand plays a part-time hooker.  She takes George Segal into a porn movie and the hat-check girl says, "Do you want to check your raincoat?"  Segal says, "I'm not wearing a raincoat."  Hat-check girl says, "Wanna rent one?"  Funny (and pre-PeeWee Herman.)

OP124. Pasta sauce soon to follow

Prego, perhaps?

There once was a couple named Sweeney
He licked clit while she sucked on his weenie

And her crabs, they joined hands
And made sixty-nine strands
You could say it was cunnilinguini.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

OP123. Bit off more than he could chew

There once was a glutton named Gromit
Went through food with the speed of a comet

He then felt a great evil
A gastric upheaval

And henceforth proceeded to vomit.

1133. I hate computers

I have me a laptop from Dell
And most of the time it works well
When it don't it is oft
Due to ol' Microsoft
They've written the OS from hell.

And I have Windows7-- not the dreaded 8!

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

OP122. A dirty poet and I surely know it

Some people prefer the haiku
They're clean and they're easy to do
But I'm a limericker
They're longer and sicker
And if you don't like it, fuck you!

Ed. note: This brought to mind one I wrote.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

1132. A bit forward, maybe?

I know lots of girls and I call 'em
To see if they might let me ball 'em
I do not understand
Why so few want my gland
Guess they think that I might try to maul 'em.

Monday, September 9, 2013

1131. AWAD

This limerick was inspired by one of my favorite websites, A Word A Day.   You can (and should) sign up for it HERE.  Today's word appears as the last in my first line.

There once was a stupid factotum
Castrated, so he had no scrotum*
This lowly apprentice
Was non compos mentis
None read his memoirs when he wrote 'em.

*He could read, but not shoot, AWAD

Sunday, September 8, 2013

1130. Doubly premature

As after my quarry I crept
My heart in my chest fairly leapt!
It made me so squirrely
My gun went off early --
At hunting and sex I'm inept.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

1129. But we have oral sex

There used to be joy in my life
And lots of it due to my wife
Now things come between us
(But rarely my penis)

And cause us much marital strife.
Oral sex in our case means passing in the hallway and trading "Fuck you's"

Friday, September 6, 2013

PD88-89. Definitive humor

These two also appear in Billington's collection (see PD81-87 notes.)
The limerick is furtive and mean;
 You must keep it in close quarantine,
 Or it sneaks to the slums
 And promptly becomes
 Disorderly, drunk and obscene.

 It needn't have ribaldry's taint
 Or strive to make everyone faint.
 There's a type that's demure
 And perfectly pure
 Though it helps quite a lot if it ain't.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

1128. It's difficult (can't use 'hard')

To write a clean lim'rick is tough
One cannot use language that's rough

Or even a smatter
Of lewd subject matter
(Like folks doing things in the buff.)

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

1127. What did she d'rectum to portray?

A very weird woman named Vinkter
Had a tat artist 'paint' 'round her sphincter
While arting her anus
Her farting was heinous
So after he'd inked 'er, he dinked 'er!

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

1126. Not the Jersey Shore whore

Southern Illinois University is located in Carbondale.  The saluki dog is its mascot.
A hot gal in Carbondale, Snookie,
Will happily give you free nookie.
Upperclassmen at college
Pass on this fine knowledge
To each male incoming Saluki.

This info seems infinitely better to know than some secret fraternity handshake.

Monday, September 2, 2013

OP119-121. Crass? Well, maybe just a bit

Robin, my gay friend from San Fran, could put us all to shame were he to become a regular poster here.  He has left many clever comments in the past, signed "Amanda B. Reckonedwith", "Helena Handbasket", etc.  Here's a sample of his poetic talent, just received via email:

I really don't mean to be crass
In telling you of the hot ass
On this young stud named Bud
Who was pulling my pud.
'Twas awesome, what then came to pass:

At first he backed onto my dick,
Until I lost sight of that prick!
He wiggled away
Through the night.  And next day,
The thing REALLY started to click!

My cock finally quit young Bud's ass.
We'd fucked till we ran out of gas!
(I'd tell you some more
Of this awesome boy-whore,
But I've said I don't mean to be crass.)

Sunday, September 1, 2013

1125. Rubyought to be her name

Khayyam kind of proud of that title...

A mid-eastern rascal named Ali
Picked up a young miss and did dally
With loaf, jug, and her

And when he stroked her fur,
She let him slip into her valley.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

1124. Sensory overload

What with golf's Fed-X Cup playoffs, the US Tennis Open, and the opening of the college football season, I felt like I needed about six TVs to stay up with everything I wanted to watch today!

My TV Remote feels quite hot
For today I have used it a lot
This weekend's a menace,
Watched golf, football, tennis

Just couldn't remain in one spot.

1123. 2 Rms, Ocean Vue

"My favorite place in the mondo
Is my beach town that's known as Redondo."
(These words from a bitch
Who's incredibly rich --
Paid six million bucks for her condo.)

Thursday, August 29, 2013

PD81-PD87. Rollicking Religious Relics

Each of the following is from a small (but very good) collection by Ray Allen Billington.  It is entitled LIMERICKS HISTORICAL AND HYSTERICAL with copyright 1981 by W. W. Norton and Co., NY.  More specifically, all of those below are purported to have been composed by members of a now-defunct(?) group of Chicagoans who called themselves "The Society of the Fifth Line."
A short-peckered rabbi named Stu
Was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife said, "Oy veh!
You keep on this way
The Messiah will come before you!"

There was a young preacher from China
Who loved boys but thought birds diviner
But he gets little tail --
In fact, he's in jail
Being charged with corrupting a mynah.

There once was an amorous abbot
Who longed to get into the habit
Of a virginal nun
Whom he scragged on the run
(They've injected her pee in a rabbit.)

A postulant, perfect and celibate,
Found his passions beginning to well a bit
But his nightly repression
Found fluid expression
Annointing the roof of his cell a bit.

At a born-again Baptist conversion
A preacher kept urgin' a virgin
'Til she finally gave in
When he said, "It's no sin
So long as it's total immersion."

A lecherous curate of Leeds
Was discovered one day in the weeds
Astride a young nun.
He said, "Christ, this is fun,
Far better than telling one's beads."

A born-again Christian named Claire
Was having her first love affair
As she climbed into bed
She rev'rently said,
"I wish to be opened with prayer."

1122. Warm Springs, Georgia

Two newlywed fat folks in Macon
Can certainly get their bed shakin'
I do not know how
This boar and his sow
Can spend twelve hours a day makin' bacon!

For an interesting(?) tidbit about Macon, GA, hockey fans may click on THIS.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

1121. Contrapuntal problems

A pianist, Angus McDougal,
Had trouble when playing things fugue-al
So he'd give a listen
To notes he was missin'
By hearing them played using Google.

He probably only used google to find them, but listened on youtube..

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

1120. Steep price to pay

While brewing the tea called Oolong
I did something terribly wrong...
Before it could cool
I chose a poor tool
To stir it, and blistered my dong.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

1119. Probably not my Sunday best

A Sunday School teacher named Rucker
To church wore her best bib and tucker.
There she taught all the kids
How God chose the Yids
And loved them and offered them succor.

Daffynition: The Exodus -- a sufferin' succor dash.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

1118. Brain drain

A randy young rascal named Mick
Had most of his brains in his dick

He went out to consort
And committed a tort
By fucking an under-age chick.

Friday, August 23, 2013

1117. Should have ordered conch

At a greasy-spoon diner in Bimini
A Swede tried the grouper -- too lemony
Besides being tart
It caused him to fart
Which made his wife shout, "Yumpin' Yiminy!"

Thursday, August 22, 2013

OP118. Could this be stanza 3?

Whenever a boy would affect him
He took him in church to inject him
His unwilling victim
He stripped him and dicked him
And shot a full load in his rectum.
Not only could it be Stanza 3, it now is!  Your host for The Limericist Blog took the liberty of augmenting #1107 with the above lines and also gave some kudos to Mr. Reddekopp.

1116. Stanza 2 for #1107

Occasional poster but regular reader/commenter, Okie-Jokey, left a comment today to entry #1107.  He felt my man of the cloth might be our old friend, The Bishop of Birmingham, and therefore would need male companionship.  Thus, the following:

Now his conquests aren't gender-specific
Also finds boys' asses terrific!
(You'll note he eschews
Any cunts to abuse
Else his offspring would be quite prolific.)

I've included my 5 extra lines in 1107, also.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

1115. Wank or walk

There once was a filthy curmudgeon
Whose prick also worked as a bludgeon
If his date gave no yanking
He'd use it for spanking
Her, then send her homeward a'trudgin'.

OP117. #1100's boyfriend

A man thought it would be a waste
If he didn't go down for a taste
But the flavor, it stung
Badly damaged his tongue
You could say he was rather de-based.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

1114. Early home mammogram

A jazz-age gal's mind was quite wandery
Especially while doing laundry
Dreamed of being a singer
Caught tit in the wringer!
Explaining left her in a quandary.

Monday, August 19, 2013

1113. Tuba-lar bell

The title is a play on words.  Remember (click)  "The Exorcist" theme?
A musician who played the euphonium
Had his instrument plated with chromium
When he Handel'd or Bach'd
His playing got knocked
But his horn would receive an encomium.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

1112. I believe I'd charge a lot more

A daydreaming teenager, Bud,
Imagined himself as a stud.
"I'll charge 10 bucks for viewing
But 50 for screwing
My marvelous fourteen-inch pud."

Monday, August 12, 2013

1110. Missing my muse

There once was a woman named Dotti
Who rode in a silver Bugatti.
(While its rhythm is clean
And it isn't obscene,
This poem belongs in the potty.)

Sunday, August 11, 2013

1109. Casting couch

A movie director named Neal
Gets sex using this bold appeal:
"If you'll give me a hum job
I'll cast you in some job
That should, quid pro quo, seal the deal."

Saturday, August 10, 2013

1108. I'll have the Pinot Noir

A vineyard to visitors pandered
And let folks stomp after they'd gandered

One (a jock) got to traipse
On some cabernet grapes,

His athlete's foot made 'em sub-standard.

Friday, August 9, 2013

1107. Tight fit for much else

A bishop with sports car of red
Finds that hot girls are easily led
To his Alfa Romeo,
Shouts, "Excelsis Deo!"
Each time that one gives him some head.

On 8/22/13, Okie-Jokey commented that my prelate might also like young men, precipitating this response from me...
Now his conquests aren't gender-specific
Also finds boys' asses terrific!

 (You'll note he eschews
Any cunts to abuse
Else his offspring would be quite prolific.)

And Dave Reddekopp posted this follow-up as OP118 on the same day.  Note how all 5 of his lines end with the same two rhyming syllables.  Unusual and well-played, Dave.
Whenever a boy would affect him
He took him in church to inject him
His unwilling victim
He stripped him and dicked him
And shot a full load in his rectum.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

PD80. Aural sex?

This one is nearly as good as the one about the 'bent' man from Kent which can be seen by clicking HERE.   Wish I'd written either or both...
There once was a lady from Kent
Whose cunt was so large in extent
And so deep and so wide
That acoustics inside
Were so good, you could hear when you went.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

1106. Since it's hump-day

There once was a sheik from Bahrain
Who thought that his steed was too plain
He painted that camel
With bright pink enamel
An act I find rather inane.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

1105. Ewwwww, IMHO

A woman gave birth in Madrid
And then a disgusting act did --
She ate some polenta

Mixed with the placenta
To help her to breast-feed her kid.

It's not that unusual, I guess...  check this article from The Atlantic.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

1103-1104. Auto eroticism

A slimy car salesman named Steel
Puts few women behind the wheel
He won't even quote 'em
Just takes dick and scrotum
And offers the old 'package' deal.

A man drove a classic old Stutz
On dirt roads with very deep ruts
One bounce broke a shock
Causing pain to his cock

And a permanent ache in his nuts.

Friday, August 2, 2013

1102. A laosy limerick

A home to the weird and the smart
Is also well-known for its art
It's funny that 'Taos'
Rhymes only with 'Laos'
They're 9,000 miles apart.

Comments welcomed if I'm overlooking other words ending 'aos' and pronounced with the slight diphthong.  "Chaos" meets the spelling but not the sound requirement.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

1101. In a slough of trouble

There once was a hiker named Ben
Who slipped and fell into a fen
He got rather soggy
Down there in that boggy
Spot.  It was as deep as his chin.

Monday, July 29, 2013

1100. On a scale of 0-14, she's a 2

There is an old hooker named Stern
One visit, you'll never return
Her cunt's pH?  Acid,
Which makes you go flaccid
And suffer a first degree burn.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

1098. In response to OP116 below

A most felicitous birthday greeting to you, Dave!  Since I'm 67, I can barely even remember being your tender age.  Then again, what I do remember is that life seemed like a peach orchard stretching out ahead of me, full of delights just waiting to be plucked.  For the most part, it's turned out that way and I wish you the same optimism and bounty in your life.  Have a wonderful day and here's a follow-up to your sister's initial limmie:

The fact that you live in Swift Current
Would make these rhymes tough if it weren't
For several beers
And my 36 years
Extra practice.  Age ain't no deterrent!

OP116. Happy birthday to me

My sister wrote me a birthday limerick.  It was her first try, so I've edited it a little to make it scan.

There once was a man from Swift Current
If he stayed in the sun he got burnt
He at supper was happy
Sister's phone took a snappy
And he looked like a weirdo, he learnt.

Yup, I'm a geezer now, I'm 31.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

1097. Rainforest risk

Entomologists down in Belize
Are working to stop killer bees
From continuing north,
And when they step forth
They don't like to get stung where one pees.

Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Monday, July 22, 2013

1096. Ask and ye shall..

There once was a fellow named Hatch
Who wanted to get him some snatch
He was nervous to ask
A strange girl for the task
But to his surprise she said, "Natch."

Friday, July 19, 2013

1095. Big decision

My options for golf I am mullin'
Watch Open at Muirfield in Gullane?
Or should I go play?
Gonna be a nice day
But my game often makes me real sullen.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

1094. Differences

One diff'rence 'tween straight hers and hims
Is that guys all have cocks, gals have quims.
And then there's their thoughts,
-- sports, tits and twats -- 
While hers run toward shopping and gems.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

1093. What rot

Surfing TV, I made a dumb visit
Watched "E!" and it made me inquisit-
ive.  Saw Justin Bieber
And said, "Ach du lieber!"
If this kid has talent, what is it?

Monday, July 15, 2013

1092. And the horse he Rodin on

A sculptor from France named Dionne
Spent many years thinking (once grown.)
For youth he'd a hunger

But never grew younger
Nickname was Penser de Lyons.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

1091. The capper

There once was a husband named Sam
With a prick like a battering ram
And as likely as not
When he'd fuck his wife's twat
He'd withdraw wearing her diaphragm.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

OP115. Evangelism cataclysm

I know, I know, it's another fundie-bashing limerick.  It's easy and I get a bunch in this one.

Since Falwell fell dead in his top off-
ice, that fraud was exposed - Peter Popoff,
Ted Haggard looks haggard
Jim Swaggart's less swaggered
And religious belief's seen a dropoff.

Okay, not entirely true - Popoff, a faith healer, was exposed before Falwell's death, but the limmie didn't scan that way.  He's still pulling the same scam now.  But religious belief is dropping, especially in those my age (30) and younger.  Partly due to the shining example of hypocrites like these four.

Friday, July 12, 2013

1090. Liberté, égalité, but no fraternity

Forget any French pronunciations you may have learned...
A freshman has tried several plois 
At trying to be one of the bois
But here is the skinny
On why he's not in, he
Has far too much avoirdupois.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

PD79. Nim(ble)rod

A fisherman off of Cape Cod
Said, "That tuna can suck me, by God!"
But the high-minded fish
Resented his wish,
And nimbly swam off with his rod.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

1089. Double dribble

An incontinent bastard named Rule
Seems to pee all the time with his tool
Except when it's risen
For then he stops whizzin'
And starts in a'lopin' his mule.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

1088. Permanence

There once was a fellow named Black
Whom the town's women gave a fine plaque
They wanted to celebrate
And also commemorate
The fact that he'd never gone slack.

Monday, July 8, 2013

1087. Thrust and Perry

The Scot tennis player, A. Murray,
Took care of Novak in a hurry
In only three sets
He Serbed but few lets
And gained praise from Caithness to Surrey.

Fred Perry was the last UK player to win Wimbledon -- in 1936!

Saturday, July 6, 2013

1086. Rape of the Sabine woman

I'm watching Bartoli-Lisicki
The match looks to be a real quickie
Marion's havin' fun
It's 6-1, 5-1,

Sabine looks like she took a Mickey.
Not much of a Women's final at Wimbledon this year.

Friday, July 5, 2013

1085. The narcolepsy defense

There was a young woman named Blossom
Who led dates to think she would toss 'em
Their dicks tried to creep in
But she would feign sleepin'
By curling up tight, playing 'possum.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

PD78. Love the alternate spelling

A cautious young fellow named Lodge
Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
        When his date was strapped in
        He committed a sin,
Without even leaving his grodge.

You can tell this one's old -- pre-seatbelts.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

1084. Fatuous pursuit

There once was a golfer named Clough
Whose ball often flew in the rough
And when he would find it
He'd then hit behind it
And shout out, "My God, this game's tough!"

There's a pun in my title.  To strike the ground first is called "hitting it fat."

Monday, July 1, 2013

1083. What an annus!

A rascal's dick looked like a finial
Whenever it got hard and lineal
Now he was no saint,
Liked attacking wife's taint --
The pain in her ass was perineal.

The area between the vagina and anus is properly pronounced 'periNEEal' (but then the last word pun wouldn't work.)

Sunday, June 30, 2013

1082. Location, Location

A New Orleans whore needing real dough
Plied her trade just outside The Cabildo
Tourists mainly were there
Just to see Jackson Square
So she only got sex from her dildo.

OP114. Helps for Phelps

A lowly man from humble digs
Banished demons to a herd of pigs
But the Westboro throng
Has again got it wrong
For their book really states God hates figs.*

*Matthew 21:19.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

1081. Rapid response

On a walk on a windy day, Curt
Saw a gust lift a pretty girl's skirt
At that glimpse of her haunch, he
Began feeling raunchy
And instantly started to flirt.

Friday, June 28, 2013

1080. Titian coition?

A fastidious fellow named Drew
Picks just certain women to screw
These gals (if he fucks 'em)
All have to be buxom
With skin of a soft pale hue.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

1079. A huge step toward equality

SCOTUS struck down part of DOMA
Right-wingers are all in a coma
But states still make rules
So only gay fools
Will plan weddings in Oklahoma.

The acronyms in line one are for Supreme Court of the U.S. and Defense of Marriage Act.

1078. Lazy loser

This one was spawned by my hearing someone on radio say "laxadaisical." 
Lackadaisical Louie, that creep,
When fucking likes going in deep
But it isn't often
He does any boffin'
'Cause most of the time he's asleep.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

1077. His books are better

Last night on TV in my home
Watched a new series, "Under the Dome"
Like most Stephen King
First show's full of zing
Next week I'll revert to a tome.

It was pretty good, but I expect a "descent to mediocrity" in plots, writing and acting will begin soon.

Monday, June 24, 2013

1076. Broadening the palate

The not-too-experienced Larry
Told his girlfriend their love-life should vary
They tried soixante-neuf
But the act made the roof
Of his mouth feel all coated and hairy.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

1075. Fan of Felix Leiter?

There once was a fellow named Burke
Who had an annoying quirk
When at a Bond flick
Stood flicking his Bic
And in general, being a jerk.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

1074. Service with a smile

A prostitute, born kinda shy,
Would loosen up (that is, she'd try)
With clever wise cracks
While you worked to climax
The result?  You would come through the wry.

Friday, June 21, 2013

OP113. The definitive guide to this site

The limericks you see in black
Will have zero effect on your sack
But the ones colored red
Make it rise from the dead
To the maximum size that you pack.

1072-1073. Where has everyone gone?

Was something I said too offensive?
Are you whelmed 'cause this blog's so extensive?
My readership's down
So I'm wearing a frown
Do my limericks make you too pensive?

Well, sorry, I don't give a whit.
Furthermore, by god, I will not quit
Trying to be a fun writer
Appealing to brighter
Folks.  If that ain't you, well tough shit!

Thursday, June 20, 2013

1071. A Saudi excuse for a limerick

My ex-girlfriend (bitch named Rebecca)
Steadfastly refused my big pecca
She hadn't the charm
Of Miss Sunny Brook Farm
And I now wish she'd migrate to Mecca.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

1070. A Fleeting moment

There once was a homo named Todd
Whose partner, Rick, had a strong bod
They went to the cinema
Then Todd had an enema
Before riding Rick's rigid rod.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

1067-1069. For a friend

I've written some rhymes for Mike Pate
Who has way too much on his plate
So his golf game does suffer
(He's worse than a duffer)
Too often at work he stays late

But now that he's not nine-and-fifty
Priorities might have to shift, he
May grow less contrarian,
This sexagenarian,
Which Marcia would find much more nifty!

Mike, I doubt that you celebrate Earth Day
But a Gaia like you needs a mirth day
So enjoy the scene
On this fine June eighteen
And have a great sixtieth birthday!

Monday, June 17, 2013

1066. Not the Merion kind

Phil Mickelson took his June pride
And swallowed it deeply inside.
He'll have to keep hopin'
To win U.S. Open,
Six times he's been bridesmaid, not bride.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

1065. Some habits die hard

A cross-dressing fellow named Sneed
At a dance picked the first man he see'd
Secret given away
When he just had to say,
"Hey, big guy.  You follow, I'll lead."

Friday, June 14, 2013

1064. Virginia Bitch

A hooker who works Newport News
Gets rich when the fleet ends a cruise
The town becomes teemin'
With thousands of seamen
All eager to get 'em some cooze.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

1063. Paint ball might be safer

While role-playing on his back porch
A kid took an arrow to torch
He spilled lighter fluid
Upon a small druid
And gave the child's costume a scorch.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

1062. Jim's nims

There once was a London lad, James,
Whom everyone called by bad names
They all mispronounced him
And further renounced Jim
By tossing him into the Thames.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

1061. Attitude adjuster

There's a woman who lives in Fort Riley
Who can put on a look that's beguiley
And when it's enacted
Your dick gets protracted
And you go from frowning to smiley.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

1060. Who's dissin' who?

There once was a bastard named Lou
Who sometimes invection would spew.
Told his wife 'You're a cunt'
Which she called "an affront
to my dignity -- therefore, fuck you!"

Saturday, June 8, 2013

1059. Up and atom

A physicist, first name of Niels,
Came up with some quite brilliant diels
The element, Bohrium,
Was named in memoriam
The man was so smart, gives me chiels.

Among other things, he proposed the model of the atom with electrons orbiting a nucleus.

Friday, June 7, 2013

1058. Couldn't prise the thighs

A man took a girl to debauch
So's to add to his bed one more notch
First, took her to dinner
But couldn't get in 'er
'Cause she wouldn't open her crotch.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

1057. Drink to the devil

There once was a fellow named Bruno
Who went to the opera in Juneau
He was totally soused
So missed much of Faust
A work by composer Charles Gounod.

Music lovers will note that I stressed the wrong syllable in Charles' last name.  You might enjoy OkieJokey's post about Messieur Gounod found HERE.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

1056. Grow some balls!

This one's 'bout a fellow named Peyton
Whose favorite pastime was datin'
But he never got
Inside a girl's twat
He was too shy to ask one for matin'.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

1055. She's on celery

A pretty employee named Barb
Can often be seen in fine garb
Her clothes are all new
Her dress size is two
(Eats nothing with more than one carb.)

Monday, June 3, 2013

1054. This may soil you

A gay Jewish man from Ho-Ho-Kus
Likes planting nasturtiums and crocus
Sometimes when out gardening
His dick will start hardening

From thoughts of a schlong up his tochus.
Yiddish for buttocks, it's also spelled tochas, tochess, toches, tuchus, tuchas, tokus and maybe more ways in English.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

1053. Go East, young man

A man on vacation named George
Took a trip to the deep Royal Gorge
He fell off the side
And of course he then died
Should have visited flat Valley Forge.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

1052. Hot cross buns

A weirdo from Egypt named Cronk
Would wank near his wife like a wonk
And when he would come
He'd wipe some on her bum
Inscribing the shape of an Ankh.

Friday, May 31, 2013

1051. A shoddy life

A teen-aged apprentice, a farrier,
Could certainly be a lot merrier
The first horse he shod
Kicked off his left cod
His sex life now has a huge barrier.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

1050. California or bust

To a costume ball in Calistoga
A fat man went, wearing a toga
He also had wheels
On his shoulders and heels,
Laying down, was an old conestoga.

Monday, May 27, 2013

1049. Leading cause of divorce

There once was a husband named Ned
Who oftentimes wished he were dead
His wife screwed with no life
And caused marital strife
By refusing to give him some head.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

1048. What's in a name?

Here's my 5-line attempt at telling one of my all-time favorite jokes:
An Indian whose life was sucking
Asked his chief, "Why does my name bring yucking?"

"We are named for first view
When we pop from squaw's slough

But why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

Saturday, May 25, 2013

1047. Milking it for all it's worth

A naughty farm lad from Mount Vernon
Jacked off with a deep sense of yearnin'
The up and down stroke
Of this horny young bloke 

Also worked well when doin' the churnin'.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

1045-46. Bending the rules

One of Blogspot's Terms of Service is that a blogger can't write about bestiality or incest.  Maybe this will "get by" since the protagonist only does it vicariously...

I would put this in red, but I fear
To talk 'bout an animal's rear
It may feel celestial
To do that thing bestial
But we're barred from saying it here.
Attempting to get him some sleep
A man had an aid, he used sheep
He wouldn't just count 'em
He dreamed he would mount 'em
For he was a consummate creep.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

1044. Assassin needed

That Communist twerp, Kim Jong Un,
Is not what I'd call "a good son"
He acts reprehensibly
I think that, ostensibly,
He'll die by a shot from a gun.

Monday, May 20, 2013

1043. Let's just cuddle

A man trying to swell up erectly
Told the gal, "It should get hard directly."
They waited, frustrated,

And neither got sated
So both wound up frowning abjectly.

"Directly", as used here in the southwest, has a connotation exactly opposite of "in a straightaway manner."  When you say, "I'll do it directly" you really mean "when I get around to it."  I'm not sure what this guy meant.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

1042. Aptly yclept

A big-breasted woman named Dee-Dee
Had nipples much larger than beady
How did her folks know
That one day she would grow
To use bras like her name, i.e., DD?

Her brother is Dewey in #1040.

Friday, May 17, 2013

PD77. Is that all?

There was a young man of Moldavia
Who couldn't believe in a savior
He erected instead
With himself as the head
The religion of decorous behavior.

1041. Barrel-y naughty

There once was a rascal named Trask
With a torso as big as a cask
The gas he would pass
From his ass was so crass
That you'd wish you were wearing a mask.

1040. The letter(s) of the law

There once was a doofus named Dewey
Whom a cop stopped for driving too screwy
His first name proved apt
When the officer slapped
On him handcuffs and gave him a DUI.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

1039. Like Pontiac, Olds and Hummer

An unfortunate fellow named Raab
In 2009 bought a Saab
But he became shaken
When GM stopped makin'
'em.  Now repairs cost him a gaab.

My first new car was a '68 Saab 96 with a 4-stroke V4 engine!  Previously, their engines were all 3-cylinder, 2-stroke!  I loved mine and was sorry to see the brand die in Dec. 2009.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

1038. Short-changed

On her honeymoon, Mrs. McGee
First espied her groom's tool, and 'twas wee.
But her greater surprise
Was the rise in its size --

Only grew from two inches to three.

Monday, May 13, 2013

1037. I wonder if Coach Sandusky has some?

In prison you can't be a dope
When show'ring, do not drop the soap!
'Cause if you bend over
The bulls are like Rover,
Avoid 'em -- use Soap-on-a-Rope.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

1036. But what else does she take?

A job-seeking gal named Marie
Took a drug test to check LSD
Since she was allergic
To acid lysergic
She passed -- there was none in her pee.

Friday, May 10, 2013

1035. Self-portrait? (I hope not.)

A learned man (lacking allure)
When writing, comes off like a boor.
He has lots of cargo*
And uses much argot 

To condescend (it's de rigueur.)

*As in "to have lots of baggage."  His supercilious attitude is one problem...

Thursday, May 9, 2013

OP112. To the ends of heaven

My favorite target gets it again:

The news has been heard far and wide
Yes, Birmingham's bishop has died
So that horny old bishop
Will just have to wish up
In heaven there's children to ride.

OP111. Neither did he realize the gravity of his situation

A young nuclear theorist named Lutz
Lost his job from Sequester-based cuts.
    Though he thought to pull strings
    It would not have changed things,
And, besides, he did not have the GUTs.

For the umpteenth time I am attempting to complete Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time.  GUT is a Grand Unified Theory which seeks to unite the three forces of Electromagnetism, Weak Nuclear (radioactivity) and Strong Nuclear (keeping protons and neutrons packed together).  Last I heard, the fourth, Gravitational force, is still odd-man-out.

Maybe my unfortunate protagonist is related to Bob Lutz, American Davis Cupper and doubles whiz of the 1970’s, who did know a thing or two about gut as applied to his string theory.

1034. Do they go ape anyway?

There once was a man named DeJong
Who had him a dick like King Kong!
But he was a dingus --
Liked just cunnilingus --
No gal ever had his huge schlong.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

1033. Remington, Russell and

The artist named Thomas Moran
Painted landscapes like few others can.
His scenes of the West(ic)
Are truly majestic
And I have become a big fan.

Tulsa's Gilcrease Museum has a tremendous art collection -- so large that only 8% of its items can be displayed at any one time (and it has several thousand square feet of galleries.)  I've visited many times.