Saturday, December 31, 2011

464. A gentleman doesn't tell

There once was a fellow named Norton,
Who's favorite sport was consortin'
With pretty young lasses
With big tits and asses,
Then calling his friends and reportin'.

Friday, December 30, 2011

463. Now, where were those WMDs?

With most of the US troops being pulled out of Iraq before 2012 arrives, I wonder where some might get posted.  You may often wonder why some of my limericks get posted!

A re-assigned sergeant, Gerard Pace,
Shows no relief on his poor, tard face.
Next assignment?  Three years
Ninety miles from Algiers!
He'll be stuck 'tween Iraq and a hard place.

462. Talking smack

A naughty young lisper named Percy,
Used language that leaned toward the cursy.
And to his great defithit
His mom heard one epithet
And paddled his butt without mercy.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

461. Chaise Longue

I'd like to come up with a song,
Teaching folks that "chase lounge" is just wrong.
Next time at the pool
Show the hosts you're no fool,
And properly say it "shez long."


It's a losing battle.  Advertisements all spell it "lounge" (well, perhaps not in France!)

459-460. Anytime, anywhere

A man with a tongue of six inches,
Was awesome at pleasuring wenches.
Their clits, he would flick 'em,
Then lie down and lick 'em
On beds, couches, car seats or benches.


A horny young vixen named Millie,
Is quite an attractive young filly.
She can have an orgasm
Felt throughout her chasm
By just laying eyes on your willy.

(Kinda like premature ejaculation?)

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

456-458. Learning disorders

There is a young student named Black,
Who has an annoying knack
Of summoning coughs
To bother his profs,
And otherwise giving them flak.


There once was a fine street musician,
Who spent his entire life wishin'
He could teach at a college.
His minimal knowledge
Denied him.  He wasn't patrician.


While fucking a gal from Spokane,
A teacher said "I think I can
Last more than twelve minutes
By reviewing tenets
Espoused by the late Horace Mann."

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Alternate to #449

Commenting to Limerick #449 on 12/27, "Boulderite" suggested that line 5 be as follows: 
A Wagnerian opera buff, Cameron,
Caused people to say without stammerin'
(When arias were being sung
In Ring of the Nibelung)
"Götterdämmerun'!  Quit yammerin', Cameron!!"


How's that?  I had to slightly alter lines 2-4, also...

454-455. Pair o' docs

A charlatan doctor named Zachary,
Drank bourbon and chewed on tobaccery.
Health rules which he bended
He e'en recommended
To patients!  His practice was quackery.


When gay patients visit Doc Engers,
This proctologist dallies and lingers.
When they proffer the rectum,
He loves to inspect 'em
But not, as you'd guess, with his fingers...

Monday, December 26, 2011

453. Sweetheart of the Rodeo

A cowgirl whose cunt was quite hot,
Could be easily screwed on the spot.
Every time she got fucked,
She hollered and bucked
For she really did like it a lot!

452. New motto: "No payin', no gayin'!"

A male prostitute, name of Kip,
Suffered greatly from post-nasal drip.
And it seemed to worsen
(and make him start cursin')
Each time a john gave him the slip.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

451. Can you relate?

A normal teenager named Nelson,
Got told by his mom "I can tell, son,
You've been smoking and drinking
And probably thinking
Of sex!  You are going to hell, son!"


Since it is December 25th, I think I should test your seasonal musical knowledge:
What well-known Christmas song was first sung by a bunch of apes and orangutans?
>
>



The Little Drummer Boy.........
>
>

>
by the Hairy Simian Chorale.

450. Borrowed from Ogden Nash

A very fat fellow named Andy,
Had nary a thought to get randy.
He said "'Liquor's quicker'
May give me a snicker
But as for me, 'candy is dandy!'"


Click HERE if you'd like to hear an entire poem spawned by Nash's famous couplet,
  Candy's dandy
  But liquor's quicker.
By the way, that's Ogden in the picture AND there's not a bit of truth in what I wrote!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

449. Quiet, please!

A Wagnerian opera buff, Cameron,
Had a very bad habit of yammerin'
When arias were being sung
In Ring of the Nibelung.
It caused folks to say "Götterdämmerun'!"

446-448. Irish you a Merry Christmas

There once was a man named McGruder,
Who couldn't have been any cruder.
He found a young lass
With a beautiful ass,
And after he wud'er, he scrud'er.


There once was a man named McGregor,
Whose wife was about six months pregger.
With her belly so big,
Old McGregor, that pig,
Came in from the backside to peg 'er.


Here's one 'bout a slut named McGeorge,
With a pussy as hot as a forge.
She took on all men
Who wanted to sin,
And could make even old guys engorge.


Thanks to "Boulderite's" 2nd comment (q.v. below), I googled "Mc vs. Mac."  I had always thought inclusion of the 'a' indicated Scottish origins while omitting it meant Irish.  According to each article I read, either prefix can denote either ethnicity.  Since my title requires it, the protagonists shall remain offspring of The Emerald Isle.

Friday, December 23, 2011

445. Self-portrait

To anyone still reading, I apologize for brow-beating you to help me popularize this site by visiting more often, telling your friends, etc.  My passion for this rhyme-form is obviously not shared by many others.
There once was a poet named Phil
Who composed dirty limericks at will.
But he was obsessive
And so damned aggressive
It made all his friends say "Phil, chill!"

444. 'Snot my best

A raging young rascal named Jim,
Tried to enter a virgin's snug quim.
But, try as he might,
It was just too damned tight
('Til he lathered his dick with some phlegm.)

Thursday, December 22, 2011

443. Dental impression

A middle-aged cocksman named Mark,
Took a sharp-tongued old bitch for a lark.
She gave him some head
And it turned his dick red
For her bite was much worse than her bark.

441-442. Flowery language

There once was a gard'ner named Anna,
Whose flow'r bed had one lovely canna.
Neither white, pink nor red
But its color, instead
Was quite yellow, just like a banana.


She also grew several hydrangea,
Grown tall to disguise stalks of ganja.
For this sweet little Anna miss
Enjoyed smoking cannabis
And cooking up brownies to mangia.

(Shades of Alice B. Toklas, and mangia is Italian for "eat.")

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

438-440. Mouths to feed

There once was a fellow named Nieman,
Whose girlfriend would swallow his semen.
The guy never lacked
Any joy from this act
And, in fact, would just lay there a-beamin'.


A female boxer named Flo,
Some sexual things didn't know.
One night a man caught her
And rapidly taught her
To give him a short glans-ing blow.


A sorority senior named Reed,
Could be called to fulfill any need.
And it should be noted
The frat boys all voted
Her "Girl To Most Likely Suck Seed."

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

437. Feel free to buddha following

There once was a student named Martha,
Who sometimes read books about parthe-
Nogenesis.  Hesse
Wrote one she'd caresse.
Not science -- the title's Siddhartha.

436. Overt(ure) praise

Allow me to tout Felix Mendelssohn,
Whose fame from composing ne'er dwindles.  An
Opus some crave
Has the name Fingal's Cave* --
'Twas perhaps once the dwelling of Grendel's son.

(Do high school students still read Beowulf?)

* Also known as The Hebrides Overture.  If you're old enough to have watched The Lone Ranger on TV and/or (like me) to have listened to it on radio, Mendelssohn's themes were used as background music for many of those episodes.

435. Sufferin' Sazeracs!

A crazed drunken driver named Alice,
Drank much green liqueur from a chalice.
D.U.I. in a stupor
She killed a state trooper,
Her lawyer pled "Absinthe of malice."

Monday, December 19, 2011

434. Pharyngo-proctologist

A gay diplomat known as Lloyds,
Liked scratching cohorts' adenoids.
After tickling the tonsils
Of some of the consuls
He'd work on their sore hemorrhoids.

433. Maybe you'll sashimi later...

There once was a fellow named Rocky,
Whom the girls found romantic but cocky.
He took one for sushi,
Got forward and gooshy,
She pelted his face with hot sake.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

432. Theology

There is an old preacher named Alvin,
Whose beliefs have been totally galvan
Ized into his mind.
I think he's behind
'Cause his dogma is all based on Calvin.

431. Groin pains

A man lied to his wife, fed her phonies,
Then sneaked out each day, played the ponies.
One day she found out,
Grabbed him by his large snout
And then kicked him hard in the cojones.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

430. Tix prix

The Russian named Evgeny Kissin,
Is a pianist worth giving a listen.
But at his ticket prices
You may have a crisis
And wind up with no pot to piss in.

428-429. Missing parts

There once was a blind man named Lake,
Whose eyeballs were totally fake.
Still, he was quite deft
At finding the cleft
Of a girl with his old one-eyed snake.


A crusty old sergeant named Sam,
Lost his dick over in Viet Nam.
'Twas caused by a Ho
(It was not Chi Minh, though)
With a badly-diseased bearded clam.

Friday, December 16, 2011

427. Beta texting

A freshman in college named Dexter,
Had promised his mother he'd text 'er
At least once per week.
But he joined a Greek
House and drank and chased women, which vexed 'er.

426. Wrathbone

A boisterous bastard named Basil,
As a cocksman could certainly dazzle
Any pretty young thing
Whom he happened to bring
To his bedroom and wear to a frazzle.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

424-425. Noteworthy guys

It's not easy to rhyme-up Franz Schubert,
A composer who wrote works so übert

That they leave me replenished --
Love the 8th that's "Unfinished"
(Unlike Johnson's VP named Hubert.)


The composer named Giuseppe Verdi,
Wrote operas which get done as parody
By rude campus troupes
(Mostly east of Kamloops.)
Thank God, this lampooning's a rarity.

423. Delicto-ble

That rascal, Immanuel Kant,
Once diddled the haunt of his aunt.
But he was disguised
For he'd philosophized
That they just might get caught in flagrante!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

OP17. THE YELLOW SEA? WOULD YOU BELIEVE BROWN?

There is a poor man of Korea
Who's stricken with gross diarrhea.
So much has he pooted,
The seas are polluted
From Juneau to north Eritrea.

(and what's more, it has left his Asmara'd)

421-422. Porn

There once was a fellow named Bud,
Who at scoring with gals was a dud.
But still, he was horny
So watched lots of porn. He
Would sit there just pounding his pud.


A horny teenager named Fred,
Hid lots of porn under his bed.
It brought thoughts vicarious
And it was hilarious
When mom found 'em -- turned her face red!

420. Holey and edgy humor

A man in a tub made a lunge
For his favorite natural sponge.
Knocked off the porypheræ
('Twas on the periphery) --
His body stayed covered in grunge.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

419. Casting couch

While fucking a Hollywood starlet,
A director's face turned very scarlet.
So in two ways, the bloke
Was having a stroke.
That should teach him to be such a varlet.

418. Bush-league limerick

A senator's wifie named Tipper,
Was as pretty as many a stripper.
She is wed to Al Gore
(Ran for prez, didn't score.)
Couldn't help him "Win one for the Gipper."

Monday, December 12, 2011

OP. My 1st try

Hello to The Limericist,
This is a song parody rather than a limerick, but I think due to its salacious content, it deserves a debut in your excellent blog. I hope you agree.


SOMEONE ELSE IS COMING TO TOWN
It has been several decades since Dr. Seuss introduced The Grinch as the best Christmas villain since Ebenezer Scrooge. But the news events of 2011 may have spawned a new candidate for Xmas Expat. With due attribution to Haven Gillespie and J. Fred Coots for their original version, let’s sing:

You’d better watch out,
You’d better not squeal,
You’d better not doubt.
I tell you, he’s real:
Sandusky is coming to town.

He’s making a list
Of boys whom he’s found
Will shower with him
While “horsing around.”
Sandusky is coming to town.

He’ll seize you when you’re sleeping,
He’ll charm you with his guile,
He’ll know you in the biblical sense
If you “walk The Second Mile.”

So,
You’d best be a snitch;
Report, be pro-law.
That son-of-a-bitch,
He brought down JoePa!

(Coda*)
Santa Claus is knowing
That Jerry’s crimes are growing.
For all the seeds he’s sowing,
And boys whom he’s been blowing,
Sandusky is going to--------GO DOWN!!!

--OkieJokey

* Coda lines 2-3-4 employ a one syllable pick-up to the tune: Fa mi sol do mi re fa.
Line 5 starts on the beat and is sung: Mi sol do mi re fa re-------re(9) do(8).

417. Far and away the longest

I will tell of a fellow named Jake,
Whose prick is as long as a snake.
He can stand two feet back
And still enter your crack!
As to dick length, young Jake takes the cake.

416. DeGenerate housekeeper

A sloppy young woman named Jane,
Said "Cleaning the house is my bane.
Though everything's smellin'
I'd rather watch Ellen
Than take out the trash in the rain."

415. What a jerk!

A boy with a tic, name of Mitch,
Was convinced that his life was a bitch.
He just couldn't stay still
So when eating, he'd spill
Many spoons-full because of his twitch.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

414. May I be a practice dummy?

There's a subject I think I will broach,
Regarding a madam named Roach.
Taught her young whores to blow,
Was a great teacher, so
They referred to her as their head coach.

413. Rabid -- Run!

Apologies to the memory of John Updike for that title..
There's a really mean rascal named Darrell,
Who puts all his girlfriends in peril.
He not only spites 'em
But also, he bites 'em!
If he were a cat, he'd be feral.

412. A talking instrument!

Shades of Tubby the Tuba!  As a child, I had that 78 rpm album.  I found this 9½ minute version of "Tubby" at YouTube.  It even includes the animated cartoon which I'd never seen.  Hope you enjoy!

A female french horn in a band,
Told the other brass "Here's what is grand...
Not my player's double-tongues
Or the air from his lungs,
I just love where the guy sticks his hand!"

Saturday, December 10, 2011

410-411. Soft porn

A man's unreliable wand,
Didn't keep him from wooing a blond.
But their date, it was tragic,
His wand had no magic,
Stayed flaccid so they couldn't bond.


There once was a man in a funk,
Who rarely got laid (was a drunk.)
When he'd start to drink,
His poor dick would shrink
And he couldn't ejaculate spunk.

Friday, December 9, 2011

409. Cleansing the palette

#408 is the dirty version.
An impressionist artist, Lautrec,
Bought new clothes, then he said "What the heck!"
He was such a small goose
That the pants were Toulouse
And the shirts all just swallowed his neck!

408. Small, but full of Gaul

An impressionist artist's biftek
Was petit - still he thought "What the heck?"
Took a Moulin Rouge whore
Home in hopes he could score,
Once aboard she asked "Too loose, Lautrec?"

(Biftek is French for "beef steak.")

Thursday, December 8, 2011

406-407. Places (to do it), everyone

A deep-voiced young Trekkie named Garth
Led a sweet, willing girl near his hearth
On the carpet, he laid her
Where he did inVader
She gave him the nickname of 'Darth.'


There once was a rascal, quite able
Who took home a woman named Mabel
Never got to his bed

Couldn't wait, so instead
She got fucked on the dining room table.

405. Hunter gatherers

A very odd family, the Mitchells.
They practice some unseemly rituals.
Like catching stray cats,
And Norwegian rats,
Then serving them up as their victuals.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

404. Bartók can shock

A fine violinist named Eric,
Has a group that plays works esoteric.
Quartets writ by Béla
Just never do fail-a
To leave unwashed listeners choleric.

403. Rhyming this algae gave me neuralgy

There once was a lass named Elvira,
With cunt hair much like spirogyra.
It was really obscene,
Very slimy and green,
Unlike most pubic hair -- which is wyra. 
(wiry)

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

401-402. Opera opera

First one is true.  She will be missed!
The great Frederica von Stade
Is no devil, but wears clothes by Prada
Though retiring, this diva
Still gives me a fiva.
If asked for her faults, I'd say "nada."


An opera tenor named Oscar
Was born on the Isle Madagoscar.
Although he is black
His Otello does lack
Cav'radossi's his best role (in Toscar.)

Monday, December 5, 2011

400. Another hundred completed.

To her new boyfriend's dark bedroom hollow,
Down the hallway a maiden did follow.
While sucking his dick
Thought, "When he shoots his slick
Stuff should I spit it out or just swallow?"


That one was inspired by the joke
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and just showin' off?
A: It depends on whether your girlfriend spits, swallows, or gargles!"

399. If I only had a brain

The actor and hoofer, Ray Bolger,
Could dance like a fired-upon soldier.
In Over the Rainbow

Appeared as the scarecrow
And drank coffee only from Folger.

398. Carnival Caper

A lucky young fellow named Leo,
Went to Carnival way down in Rio.
A bare-breasted maid
Dancing in the parade
Then screwed him that evening for free-oh!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

PD23-25. Famous conversations

There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea
Said she, "Stop your plumbing,
There`s somebody coming!..."
Said he, "Yes I know, love, it's me."

Said a woman with open delight,
“My pubic hair’s perfectly white.
I admit there’s a glare
But the fellows don’t care
They can find it more quickly at night.”

A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

397. Used a Gerbil?

There's a rumor about Richard Gere,
Which claims that he just might be queer.
I won't label him wrongly
And doubt it quite strongly,
(Though he is kinda cute with that leer!)

Friday, December 2, 2011

395-396. Persians

There once was a Persian named Darius,
Who was known to be very gregarious.
Of his cock he was proud
And sometimes in a crowd
He would show it!  An act most nefarious.


There is a young woman named Mahrsi,
Who settled in Brooklyn (Canarsie.)
She came from Iran,
So not one neighbor can
Understand her.  She speaks only Farsi.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

OP16. Iodine deprived

I received an email from a Mr. Brian Gray of Lanham, MD.  He had discovered this site by plugging "limericist" into his search engine.  He then emailed me at limericist@cox.net with this one:

In a strange woman's bed I did loiter
For a dawn's-early-light reconnoiter
And the fabulous knockers
I'd fondled when schnockered
Were really a pendulous goiter


Thanks, Brian.  Considering your "dawn's-early-light" reference and the fact that you're in Maryland, did this escapade take place near Ft. McHenry?  :-))

393-394. Papa Bach

That amazing composer named Johann,
Wrote counterpoint equalled by no man.
For choirs, wrote cantatas;
For strings, wrote sonatas,
To play them you can't have a slow han'.

For clavier he wrote all those inventions,
Plus preludes and fugues that need mentions.
But the Goldberg Variations
Still give me sensations
Which may not have been his intentions!

392. (S)extinguished

A fellow whose dick, when it hardent,
Was at sexual matters quite ardent,
Started fucking so fast
His girl thought "He can't last!"
And she sprayed him with fire retardent.

391. "I only had one beer, officer."

A hard-drinking fellow named Fowler
Was grumpy and often a scowler.
He would go to a pub,
Have a beer with his grub,
Half-a-gallon it was - in a growler.