Tuesday, January 31, 2017

2379. Catarrh got your tongue?

Caught a cold, I had energy lacking
So I stayed home from work, did some jacking
Off.  Watched a skin flick,
Semen spewed from my dick

And a loogie shot forth caused by hacking.

Monday, January 30, 2017

OP391-392. Hi from Haifa

Two from octogenarian AWAD limericist Zelda Dvoretzky...
Read the lips of Trumpette Kellyanne,
Walking backwards as fast as she can:
     In go gin and vermouth,
     Out comes "Alternate Truth"
As she tries to make sense of the man.

Watched the president's press guy, Sean Spicer,
Not succeed when he tried to seem nicer
     His linguistic contortions
     Arrived in large portions
He's more of a slicer and dicer.


Zelda, Steve Benko, Lindsay Crane and I have written a book, Limericks in the Time of Trump.  All 101 poems are clean and it is available thru Amazon.  The pair above will appear in Vol. II --- assuming our first opus sells.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

2378. Onward

Many thousands of rhymes I have spun
About ev'rything under the sun
I still have a willi'ness
To write down my silliness
Will quit when it's no longer fun.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

2377. What Sumatra with the man?

The Donald ain't my Yankee Doodle
I detest his whole kit and kaboodle
He has hair of orang
And may grab your poontang
If he does, kick his small dangling noodle.

Friday, January 27, 2017

2376. Compensation, i.e. small hands don't lie

Trump's cravats are long, know what I mean?
Centimeters? About 115
Guess he wants ties to point
At the place where his joint
Ought to dangle (is this one obscene?)

Thursday, January 26, 2017

2375. How tacky!

A yogi from old Bangalore
Tore his nail bed apart (quite a chore)
Glued the spikes to his penis,
Proved he was the meanes'
By fucking two fags and a whore.

OP390. Which way is up?

Another experiment I've seen before, and wanted to try my hand at.

You decide for yourself which is worst
Should you read first to last?
Did I do this half-assed?
If you think that it should be reversed
You can read from the last to the first.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

2374. Rosemary's Baby?

Donald Trump is one weird individual
Whose toxicity could be residual
Comb-over adorns
Where three 6's and horns
Exist;  pants hide a tail not vestigial.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

2373. The dreaded Option #3

Said an Eskimo brave outside Nome,
"Let's fuck or suck here in my dome."
He added with deference,
"I yield to your preference"
The squaw replied, "Fine, take me home."

Monday, January 23, 2017

2372. "I am woman, hear me roar"

Many millions of marchers did snake
And equality claims they did stake
E.R.A. didn't pass
Kinda ran out of gas
But at this point, what diff. does it make?

The Equal Rights Amendment did pass the house and senate in 1972. However, ratification required a 75% majority of states (38 of the 50.)  Only 35 ever did so.  IMO, the ERA isn't necessary if existing civil rights laws are upheld.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

2370-2371. Future shock warning

You'd better beware, lads and lasses,
This government's not for the masses
If you don't keep close watch
Don may grab for your crotch
Or worse, give you his cock up your asses.

Law and order won't help you one bit
Disagree and you'll be in deep shit
Right-wing vigilantes
Will pull down your panties
And you'll be fucked both fig. and lit.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

2369. How long a honeymoon do we allow?

Well it's over, The Donald got sworn
Now stop rueing the day you were born
You may not like his stances
But give him some chances
(And pray he stops tooting his horn.)

Friday, January 20, 2017

2365-2368. God Save (us from) The King

Today we swear in a new prez
Some Dems will hear nothing he sez
Though his past actions randy
Were not sweet like candy
His head would work best serving Pez.

Trump's a loud-mouth, a bully, a lout
You can't believe much that he'll spout
By far he's the brashest
We've had, damned near fascist!
Reminds me a lot of that Kraut.

Don has loose things (and not just a screw)
Like his morals and language that's blue
He'll be like Herr Chancellor
Should he become canceller
Of laws which Obama got thru.

Most Democrats must want to pike him
For there's never been anyone like him.
I pray ev'ry night,
"Oh, Dear Lord, set him right
But if that can't be done then please strike him!"

OP389. Reaching another milestone

Your number of visits right now
Has reached all of twenty-five thou
Your fans still subsist
On your limerick grist
Mr. Limericist, take a bow!

OP388. It's Blue Friday

An inaugural dogg'rel for you's
If you've all got the swearing-in blues
Peace of mind has exploded
With ethics eroded
It's time to get loaded with booze!

Thursday, January 19, 2017

2364. Prattle fatigue

Delirious, leg blown to bits,
The soldier was suffering fits
He shouted this fable:
"I screwed Betty Grable
And Jane Russell showed me her tits!"

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

2363. Mr. Misogyny

I doubt Trump will ever get cozy
With Streep, Arianna, or Rosie
And it takes not an Einstein
To know Diane Feinstein
Is hated as much as Pelosi.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

2362. Howdah hell did this happen?

The damned bleeding-hearts known as PETA
I'll denounce with my anap├Žst meta
Fuck those assholes for singling
Out Barnum and Ringling!
So long, 3 rings, trapeze, clowns, cheetah.

Monday, January 16, 2017

2361. Calling a spade a spade

Yes, the DNC got hacked by Putin
Even Donald admits it, darn tootin'!
Democrats should take note:

Many just didn't vote
That's why Hillary lost, no disputin'.

In my opinion, this article makes a clear-cut case.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

2360. Ballooning in Cornwall

A chap who loved "doing the nasty"
Even more so loved eating a pasty
Once, while visiting Bude,
Ate fifteen and got screwed
In two ways; needed angioplasty.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

2359. Tough AWAD to rhyme

There once was a man from Annapulous
Whose gluttony made him quite crapulous
Though they made tummy hurt
He drank 'shakes for dessert,
One might say that he ended meals "frappulous."

Friday, January 13, 2017

2358. That slickening sound

The weather report made me glower
Freezing rain may begin in one hour
I am glad an ice storm
Is quite rare, not the norm,
Tree limbs break and can knock out your power.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

2357. Bombastic boorish bastard

The Trump likes to claim he has rectitude
But his words all come out with invectitude
That arrogant prick
Spews such shit, makes me sick!
The fuckhead could use some correctitude.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

2356. Wahini without a bikini

I was challenged to rhyme the final word...
A native who wed that Gauguin chap
Sunbathed in the nude, had a tan lap
Wedding night, she undressed,
Paul admired and confessed,
"I love all-one-shade
skin; it's a lagniappe."

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

2355. To feicester in Leicester

A fantastic musician named Cottingham
Got ptomaine from eating some rotting ham
The place she was smitten
Was somewhere in Britain
Not far from the city of Nottingham.

(Title 'borrowed' from Robin -- waaaaay back -- and scroll.)

Monday, January 9, 2017

2354. Queen for many a day

The asshole named Richard M. Nixon
Felt U.S. mores needed fixin'
Window-peeked through the louvers
At J. Edgar Hoover's
Drag outfit; said, "I'd fuck that vixen!"

Gee... I had so hoped the story were true.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

2353. Why I quit my church choir

A man who knew little about
Choir directing would waste time and spout
And this was his motto:
"Sing nothing staccato,
Whatever you do, drag it out."

Nice guy, but he thinks time is a magazine...

Saturday, January 7, 2017

2352. Ab stain

Inspired by OP386 and its comments
On a date, out to win a girl's heart,
Tried to let some gas slowly depart
Imagine my shame
At the odor which came
And stayed with us, for it was a shart!

Friday, January 6, 2017

2347-2351. AWAD of limericks on Sanskrit words

A bisexual German, a Brahmin,
Had lust for both herren und damen
And though he was wealthy
Was not a bit stealthy
About dating each (once uncommon.)

Went online, played a game with some mates
It was NASCAR-like, they said, "It rates!"
But my own chosen avatar
Somehow did not have a car
And wound up competing on skates.

Tried a midnight bank heist, should've shunned it
Saw a cop on my tail so I gunned it
I had tripped the alarm
Now I face prison harm;
As for safe cracking, I am no pundit.

A strict vegetarian, Tommy,
Eats fresh quinoa, kale, edamame.
He won't touch pirogi,
Is also a yogi
Who sikhs out advice from a swami.

A pacifist vows not to harm a
House fly or put on battle arma.
And a person who hectors
Conscientious objectors
Does not realize it's their karma.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

2346. I've never metamorphictitious theory

To "Young Earthers" I must say, "No dice!"
You think God made the world in a trice...
That He flooded the planet
To carve up the granite
Such ignorance just isn't gneiss.

I am reading the book, "Grand Canyon, Monument to an Ancient Earth."  Written by real geologists, it debunks "flood geology" --- a tenet of Young Earth Creationism.  Though written graciously, it shows that Ken Ham, Duane Gish, et al. are igneousramuses.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

OP387. How it got its name

A non-issue for Suzanne, at least...

It's a dangerous thing, so I've heard
To go nude in the woods. It's absurd!
For a woodpecker could
Just start pecking your wood

(Now that's killing two stones with one bird.)

2345. Worried that she might Bobbitt

Most women think they deserve parity
But equality still is a rarity
Gals have penis envy
So chauvinist men ve-
to any such thoughts with celerity.

And to women's chagrin, we usually come too rapidly, too.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

OP386. Mind over states of matter

As I age, inner thoughts strangely pass;
Used to contemplate navel, now ass.
     Eating dairy’s a toll on
     What roils in my colon--
‘Tis solid, or liquid, or gas?
The answer, physiologically speaking, is “I haven’t the Vagus idea.”

Monday, January 2, 2017

2344. Family re-yoon-yum

Three brothers named Steve, Phil, and Larry
Had a barbecue feast as their quarry
In Tulsa they gathered
For ribs rubbed and slathered;
Amount left uneaten was 'nary.'

Larry (Boulder) and Steve (OKC) will gather here (Tulsa) for lunch, visiting, and an OU Sooners victory tonight in the Sugar Bowl!

Sunday, January 1, 2017

OP384-385. Meet 'n Greet 'n Bleat

The antelope came and broke through
The fence, scared two sheep, so withdrew
"I have only come here
Just to bring you good cheer
So, Happy Gnu Year to ewe two!":

"I've not come here to do hanky-panky
For the farmer may shoot me or spank me
But if you've time to burn
And, like me, you both yearn,
You can each take a turn and then rank me!"

(no need or concern then, to thank me)

2343. Just soy could say it

An un-strict vegetarian, Tommy,
Learned women could also taste yommy
He went down on one
Who'd a daughter and son
Prompting him to say, "I edamame."