It's that glorious time of the year
Where the brats dressed in costumes appear
In this sleepy old town
I'll steal chocolate that's brown
And I'll wash it all down with some beer!
Limericks of three varieties: Clean, Suggestive, and Filthy! The ones in red are R- to X-rated. Those with numeric-only labels are my own, those labeled "OP" are from Other Posters, and the ones with "PD" labels are in the Public Domain. You may email me at limericist@cox.net.
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
2696. Formerly Upper Volta
I don't believe Burkina Faso
Rhymes* up with the city, El Paso.
But why should I care
Because if I go there
I won't find many cattle to lasso.
*Its capital, Ouagadougou, would be even tougher, though.
Rhymes* up with the city, El Paso.
But why should I care
Because if I go there
I won't find many cattle to lasso.
*Its capital, Ouagadougou, would be even tougher, though.
Monday, October 30, 2017
OP469. Double Trouble
My two titties were built like a tank.
I had dear Mother Nature to thank.
But I'm way past my prime
And can thank Father Time
For the ultimate crime - they both sank.
I had dear Mother Nature to thank.
But I'm way past my prime
And can thank Father Time
For the ultimate crime - they both sank.
Sunday, October 29, 2017
2695. Sundowner's syndrome?
An old nyctophobe octoroon
Grew up in hot, wet Cameroon.
Being scared of the dark
His dick he'd only park
In a snatch before late afternoon.
Grew up in hot, wet Cameroon.
Being scared of the dark
His dick he'd only park
In a snatch before late afternoon.
2694. I'm adding French dressing
A chef set up shop in Burundi
And became known for great salmagundi
Made it vendredi night
But the 'fridge was a fright
So it often went bad before lundi.
("Friday" and "Monday" in French.)
And became known for great salmagundi
Made it vendredi night
But the 'fridge was a fright
So it often went bad before lundi.
("Friday" and "Monday" in French.)
Saturday, October 28, 2017
2693. Why wait for only 72?
A westernized sheikh from Sudan
Took a grain of salt with his Quran.
Doubted he would get virgins
In heaven; his urgin's
Brought deflow'rings on his divan.
Took a grain of salt with his Quran.
Doubted he would get virgins
In heaven; his urgin's
Brought deflow'rings on his divan.
Friday, October 27, 2017
2692. Loch Lomond, I presume
Ere 'twas Demo. Republic of Congo
David Livingstone visited long 'go.
When Stanley came through
Didn't ask, "Is that you?"
But instead said, "Now how does that song go?"
Livingstone was a Scottish missionary, abolitionist, and explorer.
David Livingstone visited long 'go.
When Stanley came through
Didn't ask, "Is that you?"
But instead said, "Now how does that song go?"
Livingstone was a Scottish missionary, abolitionist, and explorer.
Thursday, October 26, 2017
2691. Guineas are everywhere.
If you journey to Guinea Bissau
You'll find women who'll fuck you, and hau!
They know all the tricks
For exciting men's dicks
And will do all the law will allau.
Besides Guinea Bissau, there's also Equatorial Guinea, 'plain' Guinea, and even Papua New Guinea? Wop's the deal?
You'll find women who'll fuck you, and hau!
They know all the tricks
For exciting men's dicks
And will do all the law will allau.
Besides Guinea Bissau, there's also Equatorial Guinea, 'plain' Guinea, and even Papua New Guinea? Wop's the deal?
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
2690. Buss cuss on bus
While sight-seeing down in Djibouti
We had a tour guide who was snouti.
I gave him some sass,
He answered, "You're crass!"
I said to him, "Kiss my patouti!"
We had a tour guide who was snouti.
I gave him some sass,
He answered, "You're crass!"
I said to him, "Kiss my patouti!"
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
2689. He spreads more than legs
A roué who toured Tanzania
Picked up chicks in his red Karmann Ghia
Then he'd drive to the boonies
To punish their poonies,
Infecting them with gonorrhea.
Picked up chicks in his red Karmann Ghia
Then he'd drive to the boonies
To punish their poonies,
Infecting them with gonorrhea.
Monday, October 23, 2017
2688. Human wrongs
If ever you're in Eritrea
Do not let a draft board guy see ya
An "eighteen month" tour
Might last decades if you're
Grabbed, in which case, I'd not want to be ya.
Do not let a draft board guy see ya
An "eighteen month" tour
Might last decades if you're
Grabbed, in which case, I'd not want to be ya.
Sunday, October 22, 2017
2687. A little goes a long way
There once was a virgin in Chad
Who decided 'twas time to be had.
When a guy came along
With a nineteen inch dong,
She let him insert just a tad.
Who decided 'twas time to be had.
When a guy came along
With a nineteen inch dong,
She let him insert just a tad.
Friday, October 20, 2017
2686. He's not really wicket
A wild cricket bowler from Kenya
Doesn't mean to but sometimes will bean ya
Then, with stiff upper lip,
He'll offer this quip,
"So sorry, old chap, to demean ya."
Doesn't mean to but sometimes will bean ya
Then, with stiff upper lip,
He'll offer this quip,
"So sorry, old chap, to demean ya."
2684-2685. OK, YOU try to rhyme it!
A speech-hampered man from Malawi
Was hard to decipher, by gawi!
If you said, "Come ag'in?"
He would look up and grin
And say, "Can't understand me? I'm sawi."
If you want first-date sex in Malawi
Don't try more than just being pawi.
For should you go beyond
You'll find girls are not fond
Of a fuck or that other way, jawi.
Was hard to decipher, by gawi!
If you said, "Come ag'in?"
He would look up and grin
And say, "Can't understand me? I'm sawi."
If you want first-date sex in Malawi
Don't try more than just being pawi.
For should you go beyond
You'll find girls are not fond
Of a fuck or that other way, jawi.
Thursday, October 19, 2017
2683. What will a dime bag get me?
A woman from dark Mozambique
Has never been labeled as mique.
If you'll give her two doobies
She'll show you her boobies,
Just part of her zaftig physique.
Has never been labeled as mique.
If you'll give her two doobies
She'll show you her boobies,
Just part of her zaftig physique.
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
2682. Headside manner
There's a doctor in southwestern Zambia
Who treats migraine headaches with cambia
He can be awful gruff
When prescribing the stuff
Patients wish he would be nambi-pambia.
Who treats migraine headaches with cambia
He can be awful gruff
When prescribing the stuff
Patients wish he would be nambi-pambia.
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
2681. Iniquities midst antiquities
In Egypt, the capital's Cairo
And it's home to a no-legged tyro.
Although he's still youthly
He screws rather couthly
By balancing just like a gyro.
If you can rhyme 'Egypt', please do so. I'm in de nile.
And it's home to a no-legged tyro.
Although he's still youthly
He screws rather couthly
By balancing just like a gyro.
If you can rhyme 'Egypt', please do so. I'm in de nile.
Monday, October 16, 2017
2680. Wordsmith lacks the Euterpean gene
Mork from Ork said 'goodbye', Nanu nanu
We ought to repeat that to Anu.
Prints 5-line disasters
From many poetasters,
He can't tell a good one from guanu.
Pardon my misspelling of the last word. Anu Garg, founder and wordsmith at AWAD, gives ink on a regular basis to non-rhyming, un-scanning limericks. I don't want him to say goodbye; he just needs a better vetter.
We ought to repeat that to Anu.
Prints 5-line disasters
From many poetasters,
He can't tell a good one from guanu.
Pardon my misspelling of the last word. Anu Garg, founder and wordsmith at AWAD, gives ink on a regular basis to non-rhyming, un-scanning limericks. I don't want him to say goodbye; he just needs a better vetter.
Sunday, October 15, 2017
2679. Animal husbandry
To you Berbers who live in Tunisia:
A camel can bring aphrodisia
Same thing with a goat,
But never a shoat
Your religion says they may not please ya.
A camel can bring aphrodisia
Same thing with a goat,
But never a shoat
Your religion says they may not please ya.
Saturday, October 14, 2017
2678. Whew! 29 to 24
Though the refs tried to rob us connive-ally
In the record book, write it archivally.
Had we lost this big game
'twould have been a damned shame
But OU won the Red River Rivalry!
Helped by several 'phantom' calls, texas came back from a 20-0 deficit to lead 24-23 with only 8 minutes left in the game. The Sooners responded with a touchdown pass less than 2 minutes later, then held on for dear life.
In the record book, write it archivally.
Had we lost this big game
'twould have been a damned shame
But OU won the Red River Rivalry!
Helped by several 'phantom' calls, texas came back from a 20-0 deficit to lead 24-23 with only 8 minutes left in the game. The Sooners responded with a touchdown pass less than 2 minutes later, then held on for dear life.
2677. Not dune too well
There's a giant wasteland, Mauritania,
Nine times larger than our Pennsylvania.
In that tropical zone
It is dry as a bone
The inhabitants wish it were rainia.
Desertification is somewhere between 75 and 90 per cent.
Nine times larger than our Pennsylvania.
In that tropical zone
It is dry as a bone
The inhabitants wish it were rainia.
Desertification is somewhere between 75 and 90 per cent.
Friday, October 13, 2017
2676. She's Sancerre about it
Une femme dans le sud Côte d'Ivoire,
Drank only the wines of the Loire.
Once empty, she'd throttle
Her cunt with the bottle,
Sans boyfriend, c'était sa bête noire.
Drank only the wines of the Loire.
Once empty, she'd throttle
Her cunt with the bottle,
Sans boyfriend, c'était sa bête noire.
Thursday, October 12, 2017
2675. Somebody, steal his phone
Trump's hot oil continues to pour on
Rex Tillerson (called Don "a moron.")
He needs some retreats
From his ev'ryday tweets
Otherwise, he'll continue to bore on.
Rex Tillerson (called Don "a moron.")
He needs some retreats
From his ev'ryday tweets
Otherwise, he'll continue to bore on.
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
2674. Not a pecker checker
A whore down in Lagos, Nigeria
Will fuck any guy, no criteria.
Due to standards so loose
She's now dripping the juice
Of some mean gonococcal bacteria.
Will fuck any guy, no criteria.
Due to standards so loose
She's now dripping the juice
Of some mean gonococcal bacteria.
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
2673. Ten buck, too
A man bought a painting in Mali.
Its surrealism made him say, "Golly!"
There were no melting clocks
But it still gave him shocks,
For the signature clearly read "Dali."
Its surrealism made him say, "Golly!"
There were no melting clocks
But it still gave him shocks,
For the signature clearly read "Dali."
Monday, October 9, 2017
2672. Hemorrhoidal hindrance
A prostitute living in Togo
Shows a blow job as part of her logo.
Though she screws many styles
She's a victim of piles;
If you want anal sex, it's a no-go.
I did Togo's next-door neighbor in June of 2014. I'll save you the look-up:
1361. Atlantic bight (bite?)
Have you looked at a map of Benin?
Its shape is a wee bit obscene
From the looks of the shaft
The mohel was daft,
Either that, or the guy was just mean.
I've heard it said that mohels work only for tips...
Shows a blow job as part of her logo.
Though she screws many styles
She's a victim of piles;
If you want anal sex, it's a no-go.
I did Togo's next-door neighbor in June of 2014. I'll save you the look-up:
1361. Atlantic bight (bite?)
Have you looked at a map of Benin?
Its shape is a wee bit obscene
From the looks of the shaft
The mohel was daft,
Either that, or the guy was just mean.
I've heard it said that mohels work only for tips...
Sunday, October 8, 2017
2671. And then there's the melanin lack
When you're in Equatorial Guinea
Look up a white guy, his name's Benny.
Unless you are blind
He'll be easy to find;
He's fat while the natives are skinny.
Look up a white guy, his name's Benny.
Unless you are blind
He'll be easy to find;
He's fat while the natives are skinny.
Saturday, October 7, 2017
2670. Salivation from sin
Continuing thru Africa...
A lesbian down in Botswana
Had a torrid affair with friend Donna.
This lapper named Laurie
Made dry Kalahari
Run wet when the two reached Nirvana.
A lesbian down in Botswana
Had a torrid affair with friend Donna.
This lapper named Laurie
Made dry Kalahari
Run wet when the two reached Nirvana.
Friday, October 6, 2017
2669. "I don't think we're in Louisiana any more."
A Patriot*, Dan
Amendola,
Decided to visit Angola.
His intent was the pen
But the plane landed in
* The NFL kind.
Decided to visit Angola.
His intent was the pen
But the plane landed in
* The NFL kind.
Thursday, October 5, 2017
2668. And black-hearted, too
An onyx-skinned bitch from Somalia
On dates did a thing that would gall ya.
Whether youngster or geezer
She proved a prick teaser
In other words, she wouldn't ball ya.
On dates did a thing that would gall ya.
Whether youngster or geezer
She proved a prick teaser
In other words, she wouldn't ball ya.
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
2667. I just wanna say one word to you*
There once was a man from Rangoon
Who learned how to play the bassoon.
It was made out of maple
(The instrument's staple)
And warped in the summer monsoon.
* Click here to learn the alternate material for bassoons.
Who learned how to play the bassoon.
It was made out of maple
(The instrument's staple)
And warped in the summer monsoon.
* Click here to learn the alternate material for bassoons.
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
2666. Buns of steel
Monday, October 2, 2017
2664-2665. Idiots' idioms
Athlete-speak has become a big blight
Same clichés you will hear ev'ry night.
Why must they all say,
"At the end of the day"?
It is horribly hackneyed and trite.
Another in which all jocks revel
Is stale and it grates like the devil.
It doesn't behoove
That, instead of "improve"
They must say, "take it to the next level."
Same clichés you will hear ev'ry night.
Why must they all say,
"At the end of the day"?
It is horribly hackneyed and trite.
Another in which all jocks revel
Is stale and it grates like the devil.
It doesn't behoove
That, instead of "improve"
They must say, "take it to the next level."
Sunday, October 1, 2017
2664. A screw ball, no doubt
A girl, tired of chastity guardin',
To a pitcher said, "I beg your pardon,
But I'm ready to sin,
Wanna slip your dick in?"
He said, "Sure!" and produced the high, hard un.
To a pitcher said, "I beg your pardon,
But I'm ready to sin,
Wanna slip your dick in?"
He said, "Sure!" and produced the high, hard un.
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