Saturday, December 31, 2016

2342. Not all was Marvel-ous

It seems The Incredible Hulk
Had a dick which lacked similar bulk
The thing was so small
That it made his dates bawl
Though a few of them gave him a sulk.

(That story was fellatious.)

Friday, December 30, 2016

OP383. This is acute one

"The hypotenuse", he would opine,
"Should connect to each right-angled line"
My geometry prof
Would proceed to go off
On a tangent on sine and cosine.

OP382. Unsootable ash-wipe

This one won me a contest over at Mad Kane's.  Only the second time.

It's clear that I haven't a clue
How to clean out a chimney. It's true;
When I tried, it instead
Just collapsed on my head
Now I'm laid up in bed from the flue.

OP378-381. A quartet for Lafayette

Inspired by #2333, these were my comment.  I was told they deserved front-page status.  They were more meant as stand-alone verses than as a continuous storyline; they just happen to be about the same thing.  BTW, Lafayette is the L in L. Ron Hubbard.  And David Miscavige is the head of the CoS now.

I can't say that I would applaud it
When these weirdos give you an audit
It's all such a joke
Their E-meter's broke
Bring on the next group and defraud it!

An actress named Leah Remini
Once followed this farce, but said "Fini!
They're just taking your money
It's not even funny
And David Miscavige? A weenie!"

The credulous crowd is consumed
Where this loony religion has loomed
When I hear about Xenu
I think I must renew
My case that humanity's doomed.

As a bonus, I'll throw in Ken Gosse's entry at Mad Kane's site, simply because I like it and it also skewers the CoS:

An old woman who lived in a shoe
Lost her health when they all caught the flu
Found a book in the cupboard
By ol' L. Ron Hubbard
And soon lost her life savings too.

2341. God, father!

The mobster named Carlo Gambino
Passed gas inside ev'ry casino
Because of his status
None faulted his flatus
Though several offered him Beano

Thursday, December 29, 2016

PD288-291. Silly jisms

Logically, what else should I call them?
There once was a man from Calcutta
Who used to beat off in the gutta
The heat of the sun
Affected his gun
And turned all his cream into butta.

There once was a blackguard from Sandem
Who was making his girl on a tandem.
At the peak of the make
She jammed on the brake
And scattered his semen at random.

A geneticist living in Delft
Scientifically played with himself,
And when he was done
He labeled it: Son,
And filed it away on the shelf.

There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
Who worried his sex life was hapless:
The more he would screw
The more he'd want to,
And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

2340. Service with some bile

Just got home after flying on Delta
For my drink order, I kinda felta
Brewed cup of decaf
Would go well; no carafe

So the stew's offer made me think, "Belta!"

Unbelievable!  I was given a tiny tube-shaped packet, a napkin, a swizzle-stick, and was told, "I'll have to go up front for hot water."  "What's this?" I asked, indicating the pack.  "That's your decaf."  "Huh?!"  "When your hot water arrives, you put the contents in the water and stir."  "INSTANT??!"  (I almost yelled it.)  "Well, the regular coffee is brewed..."

Add in the fact that WiFi costs $4.95 per half-hour and my seat wouldn't recline and I was not pleased.  No doubt all carriers are as bad... I just haven't flown much lately.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

2339. Abreast of aging

At races, we old guys are laggers
(We go running 'cause our wives are naggers)
Though both Neds and Nellies
Develop pot-bellies
Gals' tits are the more pronounced saggers.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

2338. Low-country luxury

We're ensconced in a not-before seen house
So gorgeous and lovely, no mean house
With a boy in the womb
Daughter's brood needed room
Grandchild Nora gave name, "The light-green house."

Wife and I flew down to spend Christmas with our entire family.  Seeing "tiny tots with their eyes all aglow" was wonderful (each is 2½.)  Son and his wife from NJ flew back today with their boy.  We leave the 27th.

2337. Poor man's Puerta Vallarta

One Christmas, a jet plane did beam us
Down to Mexico.  Something did deem us
To check the beer flap,
(Letterman called it "crap")
We spent X-mas in Guaymas with Zimas.

 It was last in more ways than alphabetically.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

OP377. Re-visit from same nookie lass

Okie-Jokey forgot his posting password.  This one is his.
Saw a typo – told wife that its gist must
Become our 12/24 tryst must.
     Forget kerchief and cap,
     I’ll make search of her lap
And enjoy “Twat the Night Before Christmas.”

Friday, December 23, 2016

2336. As a teenie, I loved Jeannie

While imagining acts epiglottal 
Barb'ra Eden would make my skin mottle.
I would watch her on "Dream" 'n,
Save up lots of semen

Then come when she came from her bottle.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

2335. He's our fate, stop the hate

Deservedly, we've given hell
To The Donald for how he did smell
Up the race pre-election;
Now he's the selection
So quit being mad, wish US well.

(As in U.S. --- and the rest of the planet.)

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

2334. The collapsible cock

There once was a rascal from Perth
Whose pecker brought all the girls mirth
It folded in sections,
When he got erections
That dick was the longest on earth.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

2333. A crazy cult

The followers of Scientology
Might as well think there's truth in Mythology
Throw out of your cupboard
Books by L. Ron Hubbard
If you believe, I've no apology.

I previously skewered them in #1613.  Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, and Priscilla and Lisa Marie Presley are members.  Need I say more?

Monday, December 19, 2016

2332. Never Naminated

I served in the USAF from 1965 to 1969 but was never stationed overseas.  Had I been sent to Viet Nam it likely would have been to the main airbase --- Ton Son Nhut.

While an airman was stationed at Ton Son 
Nhut he lit his smokes with a Ronson
In his hooch, kept a Hmong
Girl to service his dong
(Way back then, no one called it their johnson.)

Check here for hooch and Hmong.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

2331. He should springbok to Zambia

A traveling cowboy named Leland
Decided to go to New Zealand
Had the hope he could rope
Quite a few antelope
But it's Africa where they have eland.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

2330. Right now, it's 58ºF

When I wake in the morning, I'll dress
Just a sweater for warmth I would guess
Temp at noon, 35

Then it drops, man alive,
To 11.  Thanks, Polar Express.

Friday, December 16, 2016

2329. Borrowed AND blue

Another joke-turned-limerick:
It's been far too long since I grooved
Which a friend's comment recently proved;
He said with great pride,
"I get some on the side!"
I replied, "What?!  You mean it's been moved?"

I told Suzanne the joke, then plagiarized from her limmie -- which she wouldn't post!

Thursday, December 15, 2016

2328. Drill. What barriers? Drill!

Our pres'dent-elect chose Rick Perry
To be Energy Secretary
Now 'tween him and Scott Pruitt
Most think Donald blew it
But not oil tycoons --- they are merry!

My title is a pun on this old folk song.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

2327. Damned with faint praise

Bowl season's upon us, what fun!
We'll eventually crown Number One.
Forty games this post-season
And that is the reason
Some teams have lost more than they've won.

A bowl game used to be a reward for a good season.  With only 128 teams to choose from, and since games cannot end in ties, it is obvious that with 80 teams "bowling," some are going to have losing records going in.

This year, sixteen selected teams have 6-6 records, one is 6-7, and two are 5-7, guaranteeing that they will finish the season with a losing record.  In my opinion, 40 bowl games is at least 25 too many.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

PD284-287. Male genitalia

There once was a spaceman named Spock
Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
A girl from Missouri
Whose name was Uhura
Just fainted away from the shock.

There was a young man of Tibet
And this is the strangest one yet
His prick was so long,
So pointed, so strong,
He could bugger six Greeks en brochette,

There once was a man from Madras,
Whose bollocks were made out of brass
When they clanged together
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass.

One evening a workman named Rawls
Fell asleep in his old overalls
And when he woke up he
Discovered a puppy
Had bitten off both of his balls.

Monday, December 12, 2016

2326. Ship of fools

While "The Donald" is finding his groove
Contemplating, "Now, what's my next move?"
We look at his staff
(Which, so far, is a laugh)
And we wonder whom it will behoove.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

2325. And I saved $50!

Whore said, "Shall we screw in the bed?"
I replied, "I'd like oral instead."
She obediently knelt
I unzipped and then felt
A most wonderful blow to the head.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

2324. Dim bulb Nimrod

I don't believe hunting's my callin'
Next time it's suggested, I'm stallin'
Joined a friend on a dare
We encountered a bear
Had the safety on --- got quite a maulin'.

Guess I shoulda gone deep sea fishing...

Friday, December 9, 2016

2323. Wait for it...

A woman with beautiful hooters
Counts all men in town as her rooters
By refusing a ring
She makes every guy sing

Yes, she's expert at beating off suitors.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

2322. A foil for Big Oil

For the EPA, Trump picked Scott Pruitt
Tree huggers are shocked he would do it.
Both men are deranged
Saying, "Climate's not changed,
And as for the environment, screw it."

2321. Habitual ritual

My internet's gone on the fritz
Can't email --- it's really the shits!
Happened yesterday morn
Spent the day without porn,
No pussies, no fucking, no tits.

OP376. I can't win

Another contest entry.  Something tells me Suzanne will like this one.

I hate shopping. Adrift, what to buy
There's no stopping for thrift, price too high
Just to give her a lift
I deliver my gift
Now she's hopping mad, miffed, so I cry.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

2320. AWAD word from 12/5

To a dude ranch we ventured to practice
Our riding; had something impact us.
Got into a succulent
Made wife and me truculent
Because of the spines from that cactus.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

2319. What a pile

An idea with which I have toyed
May indicate that I'm devoid
Of the least bit of class;

Dream I might fuck an ass
That exhibits a huge hemorrhoid.

PD283. Why Eva Braun was always down

It's said Hitler had only one ball
And though Goering had two, they were small
And I've heard Heinrich Himmler

Had something quite similar
While Goebbels had no balls at all.

Monday, December 5, 2016

2318. Canal Street

Ev'ry general surgeon has seen 'em,
Not the stomach or bowel --- in between 'em.
A total repulser
When showing an ulcer
You know what I mean --- duodenum.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

2317. Sweet cheeks

On my girlfriend I spend many bucks
If you dis her, I'll get my brass knucks
Don't misunderstand
And think, "break-up is planned"
When I tell you that she really sucks.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

2316. Tappan Zee keg

What know we about Rip Van Winkle?
I'll add to his story this wrinkle:
Since he drank sev'ral beers
And then slept 20 years
Upon waking, my God did he tinkle!

Friday, December 2, 2016

2315. Pox Vobiscum

There once was a cocksman named Cliff
Who fucked a young girl in a jif
She got her blood tested
And had him arrested --
bastard had given her syph.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

2314. Horseshoes and nuclear warfare*

Clinton lost by a smallish amount
She will not get to drink from the fount
That's reserved for the Prez;

Ev'ry angry Dem says
That she ought to demand a re-count.

* Two instances when "close is good enough" (but not in US elections)