Monday, April 30, 2012

PD32. Same name

I attended Tulsa Opera's production of Madame Butterfly yesterday.  The consul's name is "Sharpless" which reminded me of this one's author:

There was a young lady... Tut, tut!
So you think you are in for some smut?
Some five-line crescendo
Of lewd innuendo?
Well, you're wrong.  This is anything but.
   -- Stanley J. Sharpless in "The Penguin Book of Limericks."

675. Forced anorexia

I learned this one's final word while living in Texas.  All car tags had 3 consonants and 3 numbers.  We played a game in which you added the fewest letters to come up with a word (vowels counted 1, consonants 2 and lowest score won.)  My tag was GMN-457.

A Somalian singer liked jammin',
But she went through a terrible famine.
It left her so skinny
(Might even say 'mini')
She looked very much like a gamin.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

OP28. Whang Ho

Madame Wong gave a man from Karachi
A soap hand job too near the hibachi.
    When her ass touched the coal,
    She snapped off Ahmed's pole
And then giggled, "No dickey, no washee!"

674. His middle name was Cohn

A sly Jewish man named Ben-Zvi,
Saw his neighbor plant one small pine tree.
Ben-Zvi was a gonif,
That night stole the conif
er, acting as if it were free!

Saturday, April 28, 2012

672-673. Nosing around

A brown-nosing freshman named Zeke,
Went to Algebra three times a week.
"I refuse to kiss ass
Just to pass this math class"
He said (with tongue firmly in cheek.)

A man with no dick who's named Chris,
Can still pleasure his wife doing this:
He buries his nose
In that slit 'neath her clothes
And then sneezes, thus bringing her bliss!

Friday, April 27, 2012

671. Nasty pederasty

A rascally old Eton Don,
Over all of his boys likes to fawn.
What he does with his tool
At this famed public school
Should not be looked lightly upon.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

670. Keep your sense of humor

I know a nice lady named Ruth
Who's become very long in the tooth.
Old age is in residence,
She's outlived most presidents,

Jokes "I used to date John Wilkes Booth!"

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

669. A wily post

A crafty young cocksman name Lyle,
Has razor-honed all of his guile.
He can get any lass
To give him some ass --
I wish I had some of his wile.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

665-668. And yet more composers

The works of that man, Dom. Scarlatti,
Should never be thrown in the potty.
Same age as old Bach,
He wrote up a flock
Of sonatas to please literati.

That master of opera, Puccini,
Hailed from Italy (home of linguini.)
"Un bel di" (Butterfly)
Makes each listener cry,
And that Pinkerton guy's a real meanie!

In my car, when I hear C├ęsar Franck,
I sometimes am tempted to honk.
His melodies move me
But does it behoove me
To rhyme up these guys like a wonk*?

    *Definition HERE.

Old Sergei Prokofiev wrote
Several pieces deserving of note.
Not as good as a B.J.
Still, Lieutenant Kije
Is surely one I'd give my vote!

Monday, April 23, 2012

664. Anecdotal

A Swiss singer, Christopher Rodl,
Likes songs having scales that are modal.
The ones that he picks
Have to have Major 6ths
So that Rodl can modally yodel.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

663. THIS guy's normal

As opposed to the one in #662 below...
A fellow in hopes of a tryst,
Tried seducing five girls but he missed.
Put a stop to his roam
And went back to his home
Where he pleasured himself with his wrist.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

662. Naughto-erotic

A fellow who hadn't the knack
For talking girls into the sack
Still proved he had mettle --
Refusing to settle

For giving his penis a whack.
What self-control!

Friday, April 20, 2012

661. Forsooth

There once was a man from Duluth,
Who aspired to work as a sleuth.
But he rarely got hired
(When he did, he'd get fired)
For he couldn't tell fiction from truth.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

659-660. Dick Clark, R.I.P.

Dick Clark's gone, it's the end of an age,
He put Rock 'n Roll on TV's stage.
Bob/Justine, King and Queen
Of that past Bandstand scene
Did "The Stroll" which became all the rage.

Danny's Juniors sang out "At the Hop",

And we all tried to learn how to bop.
Watched each day after school
And thought we were cool,
Dick Clark was the absolute Top.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

OP 27. Dud Poets Society

A nouveau poetaster from Bree
Has embarked on a limerick spree.
. But his concept of scansion
. Appears, at best, transien';
His rhyme scheme: aabbb.

658. Incisor information

A sodomite husband named Casper,
Grabs his sharp-toothed wife's hair so's to clasp 'er.
Then he takes out a file
And he smooths for a while.

When he mouth-fucks 'er, first he must rasp 'er.
(Must be a bastard...)

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

657. They're light years apart

A star-gazing guy named Abijah'll
Go look at the sky with friend Nigel.
They can get in a fight
Over which one is bright
Est -- Aldeberan, Pollux, or Rigel.

For some really horrid puns, read the comments!

Monday, April 16, 2012

656. "Oh, yeah?"

A picked-upon youngster named Corky,
Is fat so the kids call him "Porky."
When he hears that rude word
He replies like a nerd
Because Corky's both porky and dorky.

Bullying has become a real problem in schools so maybe I should remove that one.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

655. Did he found that Boston hospital?

A Mormon would take boys and frig 'em,
But his pecker was lacking a ligam-
Ent needed for straightness.
The boys (with some hateness)
Nicknamed him old "Peter Bent Brigham."

Saturday, April 14, 2012

654. What's dun is done

Dun is a color similar to tan. 

When searing a nice piece of veal,
Do not let the skin start to peel!
Get the bottom light-brown,
Turn the meat upside down,
Repeat process, enjoy your meal.

653. What's gun(ned) is gone

60 Minutes had a segment last week about Remington firearms and their alleged propensity to go off accidentally, which has spawned

There once was a Frenchman who dared
To try hunting and here's how he fared:
Knew not safety to lock
And he shot off his cock,
Which caused him to loudly scream "Merde!"

Friday, April 13, 2012

652. Inspired by PD31 (below)

An unhappy Egyptian from Cush,
Had a wife with huge pussy and tush.
He adopted the stand
That his gland in his hand
Beat having his bird in her bush.

PD31. Worthy competition

Googling "limericist" I arrived at this marvelous spot.  Mr. Graham Lester is that blog's author and his is by far the best limerick website I've found.  I recommend that you check it out to see how great ones should read.

Here's just one that I really liked:

An old British justice named Glover
Once murdered his wife and her lover.
      A clue was then found:
      His wig on the ground!
But you can't book a judge by his cover.

PD30. A rara avis of a limerick

This one was the winner of a 1978 limerick contest in which Isaac Asimov was the final judge.  Asimov remarked "The idea is very clever and made me laugh, and the one-word fourth line is delightful."

The bustard's an exquisite fowl
With minimal reason to growl:
      He escapes what would be
By grace of a fortunate vowel.

PD28-29. Classic affairs

A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
And had an affair with a Saracen.
      She was not oversexed,
      Or jealous or vexed,
She just wanted to make a comparison.

A hearty young fellow named Yost
Once had an affair with a ghost.
      At the height of the spasm
      The poor ectoplasm
Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost."

Thursday, April 12, 2012

651. Something else swam

A pretty young woman named Emma,
Had sex with an Olympic swimma.
The fucking was great
But she's now two months late,
Presenting her with a dilemma.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

OP26. He deserves more Pomp, considering his Circumstance

Edward Elgar chose not to chase fads--
Wrote Romantic-style works by the scads.
. Though Enigma Var'ations
Gets played in all nations,
Rubes know just that march trod by grads.

650. No, it doesn't rhyme -- it's symbolism!

Just decided to play around with some non-ASCII* characters that can be created on your keyboard if you know the trick.

There once was a person, a
Who found him a willing
She stole his young

So he gave her a
And whistles a happy

* American Standard Code for Information Interchange

Since everyone is familiar with bumper stickers like "I NYC" I have two others in mind:
     For veterinarians to distribute:  I my dog
     and for PETA haters, I baby seals.

649. Lies about lays

A mendacious braggart named Darius,
Claims that he has done acts most nefarious
With hundreds of women.
(From books they are stemmin',
It turns out they're all just vicarious.)

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

647-648. Pleasure givers

There once was a girl named Marie,
Who went on a cock-sucking spree.
She serviced twelve pricks
With her sucks and her licks,
And filled every fellow with glee.

A funny young guy named McCord,
Had a prick that was shaped like a gourd.
It had a crook neck
And it gave the girls heck.
Once he got it in, he was adored.

Monday, April 9, 2012

646. I'm in no Rush to read

I get emails from one Mr. Dant,
Which have a conservative cant.
He daily will go off
For he is a show-off,
I've labeled as 'junk' every rant.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

645. Holey moley

While sleeping outside, Mrs. Cole
Got entered by one tiny mole!
The critter did clog 'er,
It took a small auger
To get the thing out of her hole.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

644. Another short form

I was challenged to write a Haiku,
But lim'ricks are all that I do.
Syllables seventeen
(Five-seven-five) is too mean,
If I tried one, 'twould not be a coup.

Friday, April 6, 2012

643. Triplicates

There once was a fellow named Diener,
Who thrice daily screwed with his wiener.
First, when he'd get up,
Lastly after he'd sup
And a nooner (i.e., in-betweener.)

Writing this one reminded me of two jokes:
What are the three stages of a man's sex life?
  Try Weekly
  Try Weakly

And what is a morner?  It's a nooner, only sooner.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

642. What's in a name?

A golfer from UCLA
Is playing The Masters today.
Tonight, won't have sex
For his name is a hex,
You see, it is Patrick Cantlay.

641. Is this swell?

I guess since I'm putting my bard on,
I'll try for success rhyming 'hard on',
And shed luminescence
Regarding tumescence.
(If that's not my best -- beg your pardon.)

639-640. Cream of Leak? No, I've done better..

There once was a woman named Eakin,
Whose toilet one night started leakin'.
Water dripped on the floor
And then flowed out the door,
When discovered, you ne'er heard such shriekin'!

I drink lots of water in Reykjavik,
Which, ten times a day, makes me take a leak
'Cross the street, after dark
In the National Park.
I tell tourists that "This is the lake ya seek."

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

637-638. Why I do it

I've received mail re: my prolificity
At rhyming with no specificity.
If my subjects weren't varied
Ennui'd get me buried,
I write them each day from necissity.

There once was a bastard named Milt,
Who decided his girlfriend to jilt.
The moment they parted
He quite loudly farted,
That burnt-bridge will not get re-built.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

635-636. Loosy and Lucy

There was a poor husband named Jim,
Whose wife's cunt was needing a shim.
He could wander 'round in its
Vast space for ten minutes
Without ever feeling that quim.

There once was a lady named Lucy,
Who had an incredible pucy!
It never did itch
And when fucked, it would twitch!
It was tight but it also was jucy.

Monday, April 2, 2012

631-634. Composers Redux

Les Troyens by H. Berlioz,
Is an opera where you should not doze.
Symphonie Fantastique
Has five movements (all chic)
Dies Irae occurs at its close.

Tchaikovsky's first name it was Peter,
And no one wrote melodies
His great works balletic
Are never emetic,
Nutcracker could not be much Suite-er.

Dvorak, first name Antonin,
Wrote some pieces with fire, some serene.
His tour of U.S.
Spawned The New World (his bes') --
No dumky*, his works are all keen.

*(Name applied to his 4th Piano Trio.  It's the plural of dumka which means a song or lament of captive people.)

The great Englishman, Gustav Holst,
Was known not to brag or to bolst.
Found a wife (had to whoop at her),
Then finished off "Jupiter",
The Planets is what I like molst.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

630. Lasso lass

A very bad cowgirl named Heather,
Screwed like she was hell-bent for leather.
She really liked pokes
So she took on all folks,

Her calves she could not keep together.

629. Pressing on

An overtaxed printer named Micah,
Of all of the fonts, prefers Pica.
Self-employed in his biz
So his main problem is
That he has to pay double the FICA.