Wednesday, November 30, 2011

388-390. It's a red-letter day

I have limericks for all kinds of weather,
My composing job's light as a feather.
It's handy that 'fuck'
Rhymes precisely with 'suck'
For I sometimes will use them together.

There once was a fellow named Buster,
With a girlfriend whom he liked to fluster.
Decided to corn-hole
Her ne'er-before-worn hole
And when she complained then he cussed her.

An adventurous wife wanted sumpin'
Else done down below, started grumpin'.
Told her husband "Try lickin'."
Said he "I'm too chicken,
You'll just have to settle for humpin'"

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

386-387. Follicly challenged

His most-performed work is "The Four Seasons."
The Italian composer, Vivaldi,
In later life likely turned baldi.
So in "Winter" he'd go
Down to warm Monaco,
And play for the family Grimaldi.

A man with a very bald pate,
Did work that was just second-rate.
When told to get better
He said "I've a fetter --
You've put way too much on my plate!"

Monday, November 28, 2011

385. Sacs for snacs

A goal-setting faggot named Greer,
Enjoyed giving hum-jobs, that queer!
He set him a quota
Of three hundred scrota
To suck on each calendar year.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

384. Plane and simple(ton)

A timid young lady named Rooney,
Took her first airplane ride in a Mooney.
But she got acrophobic
While up there aerobic
And jumped with no chute - what a looney!

383. Undirty Gerty

Gerty and Trudy are both diminutives of Gertrude.
An unmarried woman named Trudy
Was purely, demurely, just prudy.
Though many men tried,
They all were denied;
She's not lewdy and cannot be screwdy.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

382. Perhaps this one belongs in the tarlotte

You can sense the final word early on.  I hate when that happens!
There once was a woman named Charlotte,
Who could turn people's faces to scarlotte.
Words said by this whore --
Plus the clothes that she wore --
Made it clear she was Charlotte the harlotte.

PD21-22. Extra, Extra!

After reading #376 about the Princetonians with its 5th line lagniappe, my younger brother was reminded of these two from Legman's The Limerick and suggested I post them.
There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner.
At a quarter to nine
They sat down to dine;
At twenty to ten it was in her.  The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.

There was a young fellow named Tupper
Who took a young lady to supper.
At a quarter to nine
They sat down to dine;
And at twenty to ten it was up her.  Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!

Friday, November 25, 2011

OP15. Suggestion taken - thanks!

Today, a reader left an excellent comment under #362.  My title indicates that it is the 15th post supplied by "Other People."  Here is what "Anonymous" suggested:
There once was a hooker named Margo,
Who setup shop down in Key Largo.
The cops handling vice
Thought this wasn't too nice
So they slapped on her trade an embargo.

He also wrote two good football limericks in his comment to #370. 

Another awesome response is the one done by Amanda B. Reckendwith as a comment to my #368.  By adding an 'e' to the end of the folks' names, he made them rhyme (in French) with "load," yielding a superb story and punchline!

By the way, if you'd like to become a 'poster' to this blog, please email me for instructions.  Comments are also welcomed but don't (generally) expect me to copy your supplied limericks into an actual post. 

PD20. I'm not consonant with the spelling

The Brits pronounce it "CHUM-lee" -- why I don't know, but it makes for a great limerick!
A popular girl is Miss Cholmondeley,
She's youthful, attractive and colmondeley,
And never objects
To suggestions of sex,
But simply cooperates dolmondeley.

381. Lobster Humidor

Trying to give to his wife a sensation,
A man placed in her 'clam' a crustacean!
But the critter's sharp claws
Pinched her clit, gave her pause!
The cops charged him with lewd molluskation.

Try some others from the archives down the right side of the page!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

380. 2nd onanism euphemism

While choking his chicken, young Nick
Realized he was going to be sick!
Couldn't get to the throne
But instead, gave a groan
And then threw-up all over his prick.

379. Herb (un)stuffing

A gal with a cold, name of Hazel,
Would flavor her cooking with basil.
It was cheaper than Vicks

And somehow would fix
Her all-stuffed-up passages nasal.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

378. Theme from 2001 - A Space Odyssey

His first name was Richard (pronounced REE-card.)
A German composer named Strauss,
Should not be considered a lauss.
Also Sprach Zarathustra

Is something I used tra
Have on a CD in my hauss.

377. Why do you think it's called a pickup?

A horny young Hebrew named Folan,
Resides in the Heights known as Golan.
Goes out in his truck
In search of a fuck,
And practices what's known as trollin'.

376. Smart girl

A fellow at Princeton, a student,
In regards to safe-sex wasn't prudent.
He took out a soph
Whom he thought he could boph,
Since he carried no condoms, he cudent. 
('Cause she wudent.)

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

375. Dark doings

A very odd man named Davola,
Drinks half of a bottle of cola.
Then he bares his wife's chest
And pours out the rest

To lick it from each areola.

373-374. Down East, eh?

A fellow from Maine up near Kittering,
Had a very bad habit of twittering.
But not with a phone,
He did it alone
At concerts (behavior not fittering.)

Another Maine guy hailed from Bangor,
And worked as a wallpaper hangor.
After mixing some paste
Spilled the bucket in haste
And his epithets made a big clangor.

Monday, November 21, 2011

372. The Five

This blog continues to receive many visits from Russians so occasionally I feel obligated to write one particularly geared toward them.

A week ago I received a challenge from a pianist friend to see if I could do a limerick on composer César Cui (pronounced "Kwee.")  I did, but it requires some background... (probably too much!)

Mily Balakirev was a mid-19th century Russian composer who felt a strong sense of nationalism and wanted to start a "school" of music, free from Southern and Western European influence.  He attracted four other composers -- Cui, Modest Mussorgsky, Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov, and Alexander Borodin (who was actually trained in chemistry.)  The group became known, simply, as The Five.

Balakirev started with three,
Himself, M. Mussorgsky and Cui.
Next Nikolai Rimsky
Joined up, and a chemsky
Guy, Borodin, made it five, see?

(The newer Russian visitors may prefer September's #196.)

371. Maybe she had told him to scat..

After fucking a horny MILF cougar,
A man took a shit, left a looger!
This upset the whore,
Pulled a gun from her drawer,
Shot the guy with a .38 Ruger.

370. Bad at balling

An NFL runner named James,
Had feelings for both guys and dames.
But this rascal bisexual
Was quite ineffectual
At scoring, regardless of games.

369. Sticky strings

There once was a real stupid 'fello,
Bought a booklet called "How to play 'cello."
Read "First, rosin your bow."
He had none, and so
Used a packet of strawberry 'Jell-o.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

368. Breach of promise?

A poor, lonely Frenchman named Claud
Became wed to a woman named Maud.
She'd claimed she was rich
But it turned out the bitch
Had just lied to get married, that fraud!

367. Plagiarizing myself

cf #191 from September 2011.  With this many limericks, similar stories happen.
A horny young sophomore named Decker,
Took his girlfriend out parking to neck her.
Got her in the back seat
And the ensuing heat
Allowed Decker to slip her his pecker.

366. Gourmet gone astray

An epicure thought he'd get him some
Good Chinese food -- went out for Dim Sum.
Chose the yellowfin eyes
And the blue gecko thighs,
I'd say he went out on a limb some.

365. He never grieu on me

Some musicians seem to be "in it for the money."  I put André in that group...
That damned violinist named Rieu,
Plays much stuff that makes me say "pieu!"
He likes to get flirty
With crap, not
I'd like to just wish him "adieu."

Friday, November 18, 2011

363-364. They can't all make sense

The hardest part of writing limericks isn't the rhyming or getting proper scansion.  It's coming up with good story lines...
I like my next rhyme's funny ending,
But I'm thinking the whole thing needs mending.
I hate that line two
Has nothing to do
With the rest of the one I'm now sending.

A truck driver oddly named Poutiver,
Called his mink coat deliveries his "route of fur."
When his wife would catch cold,
Used a remedy bold --
His cure was to fuck the snot out of 'er.

362. YOU try rhyming her

There once was a hooker named Margaret,
Who set up shop down in Key Largaret.
The cops handling vice
Thought this wasn't too nice,
So she was a regular targaret.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

PD17-19. More canon fodder

Three more from the public domain.  "Louise" has always tickled me due to its absurdity.

There once was a couple named Kelly*
Who had to sleep belly to belly.
For in their mad haste,
They used library paste,
Instead of petroleum jelly.

  *(Also heard as  "There once was a couple from New Delhi" but that has poor rhythm.)

A lady with features cherubic
Was famed for her area pubic.
When they asked her its size
She replied in surprise,
"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"

There once was a maid named Louise,
Whose cunt hair hung down to her knees.
The crabs 'round her twat
Tied it up in a knot
And fashioned a flying trapeze.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

361. Air apparent

A man with the name Tattersall,
Didn't have any money at all.
When he wanted some snatch
He'd lock the door latch
And fuck an inflatable dall.

360. On your ark, get set...

With the animals taken by Noah,
Sons Ham, Shem and Japheth did goah.
And their wives went along
To replace the drowned throng
Using each husband's spermatazoah.

359. Anxiety in church

A former drunk turned to sobriety,
Got saved, but it didn't bring piety.
When attending a service
It makes others nervous,
He's liable to show impropriety.

358. It's a 71!

There once was a wife that was chubby,
Who preferred it on top of her hubby.
On his face she once sat,
Accident'ly she shat!
Which left him both upset and grubby.

That would be 69 plus #2...

356-357. Two pristine ones

A goofy inventor named Lomb,
Decided to fashion a bomb.
But he was so squirrely
He set it off early
And left this earth lacking aplomb.

A tourist in D.C. named Paul
Decided to walk on the mall.
Saw the Reflecting Pool
So he thought he'd get cool
With a swim, but the cops came to call.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

355. Mailer trailer

The Naked and the Dead by Norman Mailer was his great WWII novel.  Published in 1948, editors would not allow the "F" word to appear.  However, they did allow printing of the euphemism(?) "fug."  I suppose that means I don't need to post this one in red.

I like to give large women hugs,
And press up against their big jugs.
If I squeeze them real tight,
And play my cards right,
It sometimes can lead to great fugs.

353-354. Two on one / Two acts on one

There once was a queer named McNair,
Who had an ass much like a pear.
Since pears aren't drupaceous
His butt was quite spacious
And two at a time could go there.

After doing his boyfriend, Welch
Proceeded his lover to felch!
While committing the sin,
His mother walked in
And that most anus act she did squelch.

Monday, November 14, 2011

352. Underwater daughter

A horny old sailor named Hunt,
Took a friend's child to screw in a punt.
But the flat-bottomed boat
Had a leak, didn't float,
So poor Hunt pulled no stunt with her cunt.

PD16. Thematically challenged

For The Limericist, finding new dirty subject matter is becoming difficult.  I've covered a lot of territory in the last 3½ months so don't be surprised if a sense of deja vu occasionally hits you.  Here's one I found that sums up the problem rather well.  (I trust that line 4 isn't true...)

Beware of the limerick bore.
From a seemingly infinite store,
He trots out more verse
Where the scansion gets worse,
But the subject's the same as before.

350-351. Female frustrations

A deaf and dumb gal, oversexed,
Made dates with her phone using text.
But she couldn't spell
So the men couldn't tell
What she wanted.  This left her quite vexed.

There once was a woman named Slattery,
Whose husband asked "What is the matter?"  He
Heard her exclaim
"My dildo is lame,
It's in need of a new 9-volt battery."

Sunday, November 13, 2011

349. Deserves corporal punishment

There once was a soldier named Vaughan
Who was stationed outside of Inchon.
While there in Korea
He got diarrhea
And splattered each john he sat on.

348. aka billy club

A man with a dick like a truncheon,
One day took a girl out for luncheon.
As they dined, the man said
"Let's go home to my bed.
I may have something else you'd like muncheon."

Saturday, November 12, 2011

347. It should be "Pen" State

"Pen" being an abbreviation for penitentiary.

Foreign readers may not have heard of the scandal at Pennsylvania State University.  Allegedly, a long-time assistant coach was seen sodomizing a 10-year-old boy in the football locker room in 2002 by another assistant coach, who told Head Coach Joe Paterno.  Paterno then told the Athletic Director, who told a Senior Vice President of the school.  None of them ever reported it to police!

A furor surrounds Joe Paterno.
What did he and the other staff learn?  Oh,
All claim they reported
The sex act so sordid --
Throw each involved in an inferno!

344-346. An assortment

The Limericist takes as much pride in his titles as the limericks themselves.  Today, though, I'm feeling lazy.
An out-of-shape fellow named Mike,
Set out on a long-distance hike,
He quickly got winded,
His journey was ended.
He said "Next time I'll ride my bike."

When Johnathan married Miss Deaver,
He promised that he'd never leave her.
Shortly, marriage anulled!
The new missus got culled
When John found that his wife had no beaver!

An old prostitute they call Maggie,
Has boobs that are flabby and saggy.
For only ten bucks
She gives great titty fucks --
Just don't come in her face, she gets naggy.

Friday, November 11, 2011

343. And no fear of fallout

An old cunnilinguist named Glover,
Slides downward to pleasure his lover.
In the Nuclear Age
He became very sage,
Once in bed, he employs "duck and cover."

342. Shy guy

There once was a nice man named Farmer,
Considered to be quite a charmer.
When he took out a date
Whom, perhaps, he could mate,
He would do not a thing to alarm 'er.

341. Thpeech impediment

A Scot with a lisp dated Cassie,
And he called her "my thweet bonnie lathy."
He said "What a crime
That, with lookth tho thublime,
Your fartth thmell tho bad when you're gathy."

Thursday, November 10, 2011

340. On a tear off the air

Carl Kasell (pronounced 'castle') is an American radio personality on National Public Radio.  He's the official judge and scorekeeper of the weekly news quiz show "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!"  It's a delightful listen, even though their limericks are far too tame.
That silver-tongued guy, Carl Kasell,
At seducing young girls is quite facile.
He fondles their hooters
And diddles their cooters,
For him it is hardly a hassle.

DISCLAIMER: To my knowledge, nothing in the preceding limerick has any basis in fact.  I just needed a name to rhyme with facile and hassle, and also wanted to introduce you to the radio show.

339. Props

A comedian (born in Australia),
In the UK tries hard to regale ya.
At a club near Trafallagher
He steals shtick from Gallagher
By using much paraphernalia

337-338. More gaiety

There once was a fellow named Huggard,
Who at work was a consummate sluggard.
For Huggard was gay
And he wasted each day
Just thinking of ways to be buggard.

A partnerless homo named Art,
Tried something not thought of as smart.
Up his ass, shoved a gerbil,
Which gave him much terbil --
Each time that it wiggled, he'd fart.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

336. Ode to the limerick

My blog's introduction (top of each page) used to include the classic limerick by Oscar Wilde's son, Vyvyan(!):
   The limerick packs laughs anatomical,
   Into space that is quite economical;
   But the good ones I've seen
   So seldom are clean,
   And the clean ones are so seldom comical.

I just composed this one along the same lines...

A good limerick's life has longevity,
Oft remembered because of its brevity.
In only five lines,
One usually dines
On a sumptuous serving of levity.

Here's hoping that mine often bring you laughter.

A milestone

Congratulations to the reader who viewed here at 10:50 am CST.  You were the 2,000th visitor!  (Sorry, there's no prize.) 

This site began on July 27, 2011 so it has existed for 106 days.  That's almost 19 visits per day, which pleases me greatly!  Still, I'd love to get 50+ hits daily so if you haven't already, please tell your friends about The Limericist.

Thanks to each of you who visits, whether regularly or occasionally.  As I posted earlier, as long as you keep reading 'em, I'll keep writing 'em!

335. Note worthy

A super soprano named Joyce,
Had a really magnificent voice.
Pieces done a cappella

Or sung with a fella
Made listeners say "Now that's choice!"

334. Lengthy discussion

A man with a two-footer, Venchant,
Had a very unusual penchant.
He could fuck his own bum
Or suck his own cum.
(Perhaps things I shouldn't have menchant.)

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

333. Education vs. Sanitation

There once was a dropout named Baird,
Who wondered how he would have fared
Had he finished up school
And been less of a fool.
(No one else on his garbage truck cared.)

331-332. Want cooze? Use booze.

I know a young woman named Moss,
Who's not easy to take for a toss.
Don't just ask her to fuck
(You'll be shit outta luck),
Ply with liquor and she'll come across.

For dinner, a cocksman named Barry,
Took out Mary and he didn't tarry.

Had four beers, got a buzz,
Took her home, fucked her fuzz.
You might say he ate, drank, and made Mary.

Monday, November 7, 2011

PD12-15. Four more from the canon

These can all be found in the definitive book, The Limerick by G. Legman. 
'PD' in the title indicates they are in the Public Domain.

There once was a lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

Once a young woman named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And her tits in Buckingham Palace.

There was a young lady from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too!"

A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball.
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call...

Sunday, November 6, 2011

330. Hydrophobic

There once was a maiden named Downing
Who had a foreboding of drowning.
When invited to swim
By her guy, she told him
"There's no way!"  Her response left him frowning.

329. Two Hung Low

An Irishman, Michael O'Kecktam,
Had balls that would stretch past his rectum.
He'd sneak into church,
Drop his trousers and perch
On the altar, where he'd genuflect 'em.

Pick any month from the archives on the right to read tons more!

328. Lame dick congressman

A lawmaker whose name was Bennett,
Screwed a female page from the Senate.
His manner of balling
Was rather apalling --
He finished in under a minute.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

327. A Dog's Life -- not so bad!

A dog-loving drunkard named Bill,
Consumes rotgut whisky at will.
If he's given Jack Daniels
It's served to his spaniels.
His palate prefers only swill.

326. Irish collection method

A barrister, Paddy O'Hailey,
Has his cases all tried at The Bailey.
If his clients don't pay
In a week and a day
He goes after them with a shillelagh.

Friday, November 4, 2011

325. Out of whack in the sac

A young Chinese fellow, Sung Wo,
Had one testicle which was sprung - oh!
When out fucking wenches
The extra five inches
It sagged got him tagged, "Won Hung Lo."

324. No mind? Never mind.

A thick-headed fellow named Pettit,
Heard a joke but he just didn't get it.
After three explanations
The teller's frustrations
Compelled him to say "Oh, don't sweat it."

323. No longer eel-humored

A man who had been a whoremonger
Found one day he could do it no longer

Tears started to well
'Cause his dong wouldn't swell
In his youth it had looked like a conger!

322. Foul-mouthed

A filterless fellow named Darin
Had a very bad habit of swearin'.
When clean words were needed
Caveats were not heeded.
Young Darin just cussed without carin'.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

321. Brassie lassie

A bonnie Scot lassie named Annie,
Enjoyed dressing up for things clanny.
It made her quite glad
To put on her plaid,
Worn tightly to show off her fanny.

320. South Bitch

A gay man flew down to Miami
To bugger his boyfriend's tight hammie.
Each hour, did it twice
Which he found very nice.
He called it "the old double-whammy."

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

319. Wrong guidebook

There once was a stupid young faggot,
Who liked to suck dicks hard as agate.
Thought he might find some 'meat'

Under 'Places to Eat',
But butch boys were not listed in Zagat.

(The Limericist apologizes.  It's actually pronounced zuhGAT.)

318. Celibacy

A couple named Cleo and Clarence,
Of a very weird sect were adherents.
You may think I'm kiddin'
But sex was forbidden!
Consequently, they never were parents.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

317. Wandering Menstrual

A street-walker, Bess, was a hag,
But she picked up a fellow to shag.
Now I must confess, he
And Bessy got messy
Because she was ridin' the rag.

316. Working on commission

A rather shrewd madam named Audrey
Had two-dozen whores in her cadre.
She got 40 per cent
Every time that one went
Up the stairs with a man to be tawdry.

315. O, for tuna

An experienced woman named Trish
Let a virgin boy enter her niche.
When they finished their screw
The lad uttered "It's true
What they say. Pussy smells just like fish!"

313-314. Are these Godunov to post?

M.M. was a 19th century Russian composer.  He also wrote an opera, Boris Godunov.
Of Modest Mussorgsky I'll tell.
Pictures at Exhibition is swell!
For piano he wrote,

Then Maurice took each note
And transcribed it for orch., Yeaaa Ravel!

Modest also wrote Night on Bald Mountain,
A work that erupts like a fountain.
Wrote a few other things
Mostly kept in the wings.
How many?  They're hardly worth countin'.

312. This will pane you

There once was a horny young glazier
Who spent all his off-time at leisure.
When not fixing glass
He chased after ass
When he got some, it gave him much pleasure