Friday, February 28, 2014

1259. Pesky suckers

In a bar, trying to read Aristophanes
A gal became plagued by anopheles
She found one mosquito
Drowned in her mojito
And said, "I think I've had enophothese!"

Interestingly, 'anopheles' is Greek for "good for nothing."

Thursday, February 27, 2014

1258. Imaginary smellavision

A porn-addict follows a link
To a site where the girls all show pink
Enough repetition
In high definition
Convinces him he smells the stink!

Seems as if Hustler was the first magazine to use the term 'show pink' -- and do so.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

1257. Besides, it's tradition!

A great many folks think I'm mean
'Cause my lim'ricks are often unclean.
This website's' first duty
Is "Spread fun, not beauty"
To my mind, that calls for obscene.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

1256. It's a hod job but somebody...

A chubby old mason (a porker)
Lays the straightest brick walls, he's a corker!
His trowel has three tines
Which leave parallel lines
So he has the nickname, "mortar forker."

Monday, February 24, 2014

1255. No need for a han' solo, thanks to her

Princess Leia's become a space whore
And will go to great lengths for a score
Although she reached her nadir
By screwing Darth Vader
Her black hole is yearning for more.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

1254. Stop sign

There once was a virgin named Violet,
Who painted her quim with merthiolate.
The lips were so red
It was as if they said,
"NO ENTRANCE!  This place is inviolate."

Saturday, February 22, 2014

1253. Mutual in Omaha

A Nebraskan in bed used a feather
To tickle his wife's regions nether.
As they mingled their bods
She fondled his cods
And they joyfully climaxed together.

Friday, February 21, 2014

1252. Key player

As he went off to war, Captain Velt
Left his wife in a chastity belt
But her main paramour
Was a locksmith -- for sure
He was in her before the spring melt!

Thursday, February 20, 2014

1251. Engine giver

Young Evin, a speedboating dude,
Is known for his manners so crude
He'll make your craft shake
With the size of his wake,
What is it that makes Evin rude?

Maybe he has small Johnson syndrome.  (Merc-y research needed.)

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

1250. A good noche in Sochi

A ski writer known as a wit
Queried other scribes in the press pit.
Halfway thru Giant Slalom
They wanted to maul him
He asked, "What's the Ligety split?"

Ted Ligety of the USA won gold yesterday.

OP139. In their element

Two chemists were not so methodic
In the way they made love - quite spasmodic
Anytime they were able
They had sex on the table
Except when she was periodic.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

1249. Substitute for douching

A gal with a cold liked to please
And took on a guy (she's a sleaze)
His shot was like snot --
When it got in her twat
She expelled the whole wad with a sneeze!

If she doesn't shave, might the emission be termed a woolly booger?

Sunday, February 16, 2014

PD124-126. Double Entendres

A simple young farmer of Bray
Met a lass in his hayfield one day.
Said he, "If you want,
We could share a croissant,"
For he'd heard about rolls in the hay.

A young trapeze artist named Bract
Is faced by a very sad fact.
Imagine his pain,
When again and again,
He catches his wife in the act.

Her sidesaddle progress was slow
No tracker would rate her a pro.
Said Godiva, "I rode
While the townspeople, 'Oh'd',
Not to win or to place -- but to show!"

Saturday, February 15, 2014

1248. My minute in court

I pleaded my case with the judge
In hopes his opinion I'd nudge.
He gave me short shrift
Which left me quite miffed
And nothing I said made him budge.

Friday, February 14, 2014

1247. And the Oscar (Mayer) goes to...

The pecker of Padraig Mahoney
Is so big that it almost looks phony
And when he unbuckles
He never hears chuckles
Just praise for his mega-baloney.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

1246. Didn't see (feel?) it coming

While sucking the tit of a broad
A man felt her hand on his rod
She stroked him so surely
He came prematurely
And bit off her nipple, the sod!

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

1245. The Lollipop has sailed

The plots of her movies were simple
Each smile showed at least one cute dimple
She danced clever angles
With Mr. Bojangles
We bid you adieu, Shirley Temple.

Monday, February 10, 2014

PD119-123. Sack o' religious

Don't pity the wife of Old Lot,
Who was turned into salt on the spot;
'Cause she sure got a kick
When the the cows came to lick
At her crusty and saline old twat.

A delver in relics collosal
Unearthed a phenomenal fossil.
He could tell by the bend,
And the wart on the end,
'Twas the Peter of Paul the Apostle.

There once was a priest of Gibraltar
Who wrote dirty jokes in his psalter.
An inhibited nun
Who had read every one
Made a vow to be laid on his altar.

This lady, without any class,
Made music come out of her ass.
It wasn't enough
Farting lieder and stuff,
But Ave Maria, at Mass?

A pious young lady of Chichester
Made all of the saints in their niches stir
And each morning at matin
Her breast in pink satin
Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

1244. But Johnny was best

Jay Leno, I thought, was a better man
At hosting a talk show than Letterman.
After twenty-two years
I harbor some fears --
Can Fallon be such a go-getter man?

Leno would often fly to Las Vegas after taping his TV show and appear live that evening.  He also does standup at The Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach most Sunday evenings and has for over 20 years.  He's known as a workaholic.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

1243. Extra added attraction

The massage parlor called "Desiree's"
Offers more than back rubs in its bays
If you want some gash
Just bring lots of cash
And they will relieve you two ways.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

OP137-138. Green eggs and Ham

In honor of the Bill Nye-Ken Ham creation/evolution debate last night...

The creator of Answers in Genesis
Thinks he's one of the scientists' menaces
In the Bible, not science
He placed his reliance
When he took on a scientist nemesis

This creation apologist, Ham
About facts, just does not give a damn
Then along came Bill Nye
With his nifty bow tie
And exposed his creationist scam.

Sorry, but anyone who actually believes the universe is 6000 years old is completely ignorant of science.  Believe in God if you want, but every science will tell you the universe is not that young.  We have living trees older than that on our planet.  The 6000 year figure is based on a literal biblical timeline and nothing else.

1242. Phony Phonics

Why the long 'o' when we pronounce 'brooch'?
Would we search for a new football cooch?
And when smokin' a J
Would it still be OK
If you offered your buddy the rooch?

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

1241. Give and take

We all say, "I don't give a crap"
But we'll take one, oft after a nap.
It seems we deceive
When we don't say, "I'll leave
A crap."  How's taking one clear your lap?

One of our stranger idioms, along with 'take a leak.'

Monday, February 3, 2014

1240. Good news for a good friend

The day started out as a gloomer
The results were due back on her tumor.
But she felt really fine
When the doc said, "Benign."
The fears had turned out to be rumor.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

1239. Femdom Fatale

My mistress enjoys it a lot
When she makes me get down in a squat.
For she likes to dominate
And maybe will nominate
Me "Best Guy to Kneel and Lick Twat."