Tuesday, January 31, 2012

521-522. Internet troubles

There is a weird woman named Ruby,
With one large and one tiny buby.
She can't find a bra --
A search-engine flaw?
Or because she's an internet nuby?

A Scotsman loved studying clits,
And wanted to see one with zits!
This rascal, McDougal,
Decided to Google.
His search didn't get any hits.

Monday, January 30, 2012

520. Admirer

I received an email over the weekend from a reader who complimented me on my 5-liners.
A person named Lee's a new fan,
And thinks my work's not also-ran.
That first name's homogenous,
(Indeed, it's androgynous)
So which are you?  Woman or man?

519. Yeah, right!

While campaigning in Oregon (Salem),
Bill Clinton tried hard to regale 'em.
When asked "Did you toke?",
Slick Willie then spoke,
"Ah did, but ah didn't inhale 'em."

Actually, it happened in NYC.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

517-518. Fill 'er up!

A well-endowed rascal named Joad,
Had balls that produced quite a load.
He'd fill a girl's cavity
With rampant depravity
Each time that his cock did expload.

A doctor well-versed in things feminal,
On his patients performed acts quite criminal.
He'd first put them under,
Then rip them asunder
And fill them from vesicles seminal.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

516. Tennie, any?

You may want to read THIS first...

A really good athlete named Dennis,
Is very successful at tennis.
And, like old Frank Sedgman,
His strict training regimen
Includes drinking glasses of Guinness.

(Frank, no doubt, drank Foster's.)

Friday, January 27, 2012

514-515. Memories

A murderous, thieving old colonel,
Tracks all of his deeds in a jolonel.
Because of this guy's
Horrid acts, when he dies
His eternity will be infolonel.

There once was a bright teen-aged lad,
Who could name every girl that he'd had.
Since there'd only been two
He'd been able to screw
Well, of course, his recall wasn't bad!

Speaking of memory, my clever younger brother came up with the following:
"Psychologists have identified a new disease -- Orgasmic Amnesia.
To recall anything, you come to think of it."

Thursday, January 26, 2012

513. Walter-of-the-Sea (no chicken, he)

Walter de la Mare was an English author.  If you read this about him, the limerick will make more sense.
Rockefeller had no trouble fundin'
Standard Oil 'cause he'd bucks in abundan'.
It became Inc. in Delaware
And hired Walter de la Mare
To work on statistics in London.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

512. What the puck?

There once was an elderly jockey,
Who found "making weight" to be rocky.
Exercise was too taxative
So took him a laxative
And filled up his toilet with hockey.

511. Brobdingnagian imagination

A girl who had tits itty-bitty,
In a halter top looked really shitty.
She daydreamed of growin'
Huge melons worth showin'
And fantasized like Walter Mitty.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

509-510. Stress relief

A man with high pressure systolic
Was told by his doc not to frolic.
This gave him alarm
So he moved to a farm,
And now leads a lifestyle bucolic.

My occasional intake of bourbon,
To my wife (it would seem) is disturbin'.
She cuts me no slack,
And gives me much flak
Still my drinkin' I will not be curbin'.

Monday, January 23, 2012

507-508. Maiden invaidin'

A horny rapscallion named Quinn,
Convinced a young virgin to sin.
There wasn't much clearance,
But with perseverance
He managed to shove it all in.

A dirty old bastard named Wright,
Liked virgins because they were tight.
His prick was so small
(Almost no dick at all)
That a used cunt just didn't feel right.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

506. Nothing up a sleeve

A fertile young fellow named Mort,
Enjoys going out to cavort.
He picks up young clubbers
But doesn't use rubbers,
The girls soon decide to abort.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

505. She stoops to conquer

Apologies to Oliver Goldsmith for borrowing the name of his play.
An old queen of Denmark named Jane,
In her reign suffered serfs with no pain.
When they'd visit their liege
She'd use noblesse oblige,
Which gave us the phrase "The Great Deign."

O.G. also wrote a famous novel and poem circa 1770.  Can you name them?

Friday, January 20, 2012

504. Another bites the dust

Yesterday we said "bye-bye" to Perry,
Who decided to no longer tarry
At trying to outdo
Old Mitt and the crew
In South Carolina's primary.

502-503. That nickname

A sporting emporium, Dick's,
Put a store in our mall in the sticks.
It's the first one we've had,
And I was quite glad
To learn that they do not sell pricks!

A dumbass named Richard Hieronymous,
Always thought that his dick was eponymous.
Someone went to the trouble
Of bursting his bubble,
"It's slang, by a guy who's anonymous."

Thursday, January 19, 2012

501. A Georgia Peach

Lewis Grizzard was a newspaper columnist and author.  By the way, his last name doesn't rhyme with lizard.  He was my age and died at 47 of heart problems.  If you've never read him, DO!  Here's an example of his humor.

A writer named Lewis Grizzard,
Was known far and wide as a card.
He made lots of money
By just being funny.
His early death hit me quite hard.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

500. Who'd a-thunk it?

My output has reached half-a-thousand,
I've composed when I could have carousened.
Here's hoping my humor
Grows far beyond rumor
So more readers' minds can be lousened!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

499. Wankers aweigh

A young seaman worked on a tanker,
And was known as a consummate wanker.
One night on the Bosphorus
Struck a match, and its phosphorus
Revealed that his cock had a canker.

498. Deep thoughts

There is a young lady named Belt,
Who is not only tall, she is svelte.
The snatch of this miss
Is just like an abyss
For its bottom has never been felt.

Monday, January 16, 2012

497. Marracash

There's a dry desert wind called "sirocco"
That constantly blows in Morocco.
If it catches your cash
Bills are gone in a flash
And you'll probably wind up in hock, oh!

496. Seen one, you've seen 'em all

There is a young doxy named Knox,
Who has a magnificent box.
Whether short ones or long ones
Or weak ones or strong ones
She takes on all manner of cox.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

494-495. That's the ticket

The name of our Prez is Obama,
But he also used that of his mama
Once she'd married Soetoro.
I don't know what for, though
Repubs still ask "¿Como se llama?"

(That's "What is your name?" in Spanish.)

That dirty-mouthed fellow named Biden,
Says things that deserve some stern chidin'.
He's all out of kilter
And needs him a filter,
Better yet, he should just stay in hidin'.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

493. Slingin' Sammy

A pro quarterback, Sammy Baugh,
Was known to enjoy a chaw.
But when he'd get hit
Didn't like it one bit!
His chew would get stuck in his craw.

Friday, January 13, 2012

491-492. A titillating pair

Ideas written down in Carl Jung's
Books don't mention guys' thoughts on gals'  "lungs."
But Freud's do address
How men like to caress
Them and tickle the tips with their tongues.

A bit more about women's breasts,
The large ones make wondrous head rests.
But even the small
Can answer the call
For hanging on during fuck fests.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

490. Save some for me

A horny new husband named Herm,
Likes to play with himself when he's firm.
His regular jacking off
Results in his hacking off
His wife, who wants all of his sperm.

489. Archetypal architect

My wife is a coach of her school's academic team.  They always miss questions about this person so she asked me to write a limerick.  Maybe they can remember a rhyme...
The architect, Christopher Wren,
Designed many churches back when.
For the great London fire
Had burned most every spire.
His designing surpassed other men.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

488. Hispanic hangers

A pretty señora named Lupe,
Enjoys making señors say "Whoopie!"
Until she exposes
Her tits, each supposes
That they will be firm, but they're droopy.

486-487. GOP early withdrawals

Ms. Bachmann with first name Michele,
Is good-looking but didn't do well.
Her bod may be curvative
But she's too conservative,
Deservedly, press gave her hell.

The GOP's token black, Cain,
Had a 9-9-9 plan, quite insane.
Behaving like vermin
Is what brought down Herman,
It seems that he chased every Jane.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

483-485. GOP guys 5&6 & BHO

The GOP candidate, Romney,
Is boring yet gives me insomney.
His big toothy grin
Ain't enough for a win
In the year 2012 Anno Domney.

With homophobe thoughts, Rick Santorum
Says things about gays that deplorum.
For he does disparage
Their right to have marriage
And jointly pay tax ad valorum.

That slick ACORN grower, Barack,
At least pulled our troops from Iraq.
If the right doesn't nominate
A good guy, he'll dominate.
Right now, re-election's a lock.

Monday, January 9, 2012

481-482. GOP guys 3&4

The Tea Party Texan, Ron Paul,
May not be the next guy who'll faul,
But like Bachmann and Cain
His parade will get rain
With no primary vict'rys at aul.

Rick Perry thrice got to be guv
Of Texas but now where's the luv?
Though New Hampshire not choosing
S.C. he'll be losing,
His campaign's in need of a shuv.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

479-480. GOP guys 1&2

With six candidates for the Republican Presidential nomination still in the running I decided I should limericize each before any more drop out.  I'll be posting two more on both Monday and Tuesday.  They're being presented in order by last name.

That pompous old candidate, Newt,
Spouts figures which Dems oft refewt.
His name salamanderish
And past acts philanderish
Won't woo voters who are astewt.

The Mormon from Utah, Jon Huntsman,
Might succeed if he ran for ombuntsman.
His odds I would put small
At primary football,
He should drop out, i.e., be a puntsman.

478. Odor in the Court

There once was a gay District Judge,
Whose pastime was packing the fudge.
And after he did larks
His briefs got odd skid marks --
Their fronts had a definite smudge.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

477. Slow & Steady doesn't

There once was a sprinter named Nate,
Who was slow to get out of the gate.
No one noticed it, though,
'Cause he ran so damned slow
When he'd finish, 'twas dark and 'twas late!

Friday, January 6, 2012

475-476. Drizzling

A runny-nosed bastard named Steve,
Liked to wipe off his snot on his sleeve.
This made his wife curse,
Steve replied "Could be worse.
I could use it my dick to relieve."

There once was a woman from Hurds,
Whose eating was just like a bird's.
Not in minuscule bits,
All the time!  And her shits
Came out liquid instead of in turds.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

473-474. You can't judge a book

There's a fine strapping fellow named Danley,
Considered to be very manly.
Though big, buff and hairy
In truth, he's a fairy
And fools everyone very cann'ly.

A woman with hair that was raven,
Was thought to be some sort of maven.
When asked by a minion
To give her opinion
She shrank back, for she was too craven.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

471-472. Yeh, Siam trying to amasia with pun jabs

An old hippie went for a ride,
On a boat to the world's other side.
In Bangkok he hurt
A guy's eyes with his shirt --
'Twas so shockingly loud, the Thai died.

There once was a man from Bengal,
Whose pecker was awfully small,
Until it got swollen
And then he'd go strollin'
To Sikh out a girl he could ball.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

469-470. A smattering of splattering

An uncircumcised bachelor named Rob,
Had way too much skin o'er his knob.
Before he withdrew this
To pee, he would spew piss.
(His housekeeper hated her job.)

A ship's cabin boy, name of Beck,
Was that age and was horny as heck!
He'd climb up the rigging
And start in a'frigging
Himself 'til he'd splattered the deck.

(Inspired by Oscar Brand's Bawdy Sea Shanties album from the '60s.)

Monday, January 2, 2012

468. Grand opera?

About Giaochino Rossini,
You can't feel a bit in-betweeny.
Either you'll find him bright
Or incredibly trite
And you'll leave when the overture's fini.

466-467. Complaint Dept.

A very direct man named Wyatt,
To his wife said "Please go on a diet."
That night in their bed
He asked "Sex?"  His wife said
"Go to hell!  Take your kite and go fly it!"

There is an odd fellow named Fletcher,
Whose wife's an inveterate kvetcher.*
And not without cause,
For he brings home the bras
Of a lot of her friends, the damned lecher!

   * Kvetch is Yiddish for "complain."

Sunday, January 1, 2012

465. More soft-serve

Lightbulbs now aren't incandescent,
These two guys aren't intumescent.

There once was a fellow named Croft,
Who took a girl up to his loft.
He tried and he tried
To slip it inside
But his poor little dick remained soft.

This one I found at another website...
There once was a fellow named Chris
Whose love life was strangely amiss.
For even with Venus,
His recalcitrant penis
Could seldom do better than