Wednesday, December 30, 2015

1941-1942. Robert "Young Bob" Hodges, R.I.P.

My bridge partner passed on today
A stroke came and took him away
He'd lived 84 years
I am fighting back tears
For no more cards or golf will we play.

We'd watch when our teams took the floor
Or the field.  Thunder games, he kept score.
Say a sad missa brevis
Our bottles of Chivas
Will never be shared any more.

1940. À chacun son goût

Thanks to things I have crammed in my craw
I have added much avoirdupois
I devour food in haste
Barely pausing to taste
What's my favorite?  Je ne sais quoi.

The French title translates, "there's no accounting for taste," or "to each his own taste."

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

1939. But who put him up to it?

Archæologist guy at Purdue
'Bout women did not have a clue
He tried having sex
With a rebuilt T. Rex
And his goo all fell through on his shoe.

Monday, December 28, 2015

1938. Loud-mouthed lout

I sit here and try to determine
Why ESPN keeps Chris Berman

He's no alpha male
And his shtick has grown stale
Just one voice could be worse -- Ethel Merman.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

1937. UK Holiday

No pugilists on air today
And my wife didn't give me a lay
Unless they do minglin'
In jolly old Englan'
Don't know why it's called "Boxing Day."

1936. Also gave her the test anthers

A botany prof. at the U.
Selected a coed to screw
He stuck in his stamen,
Quite suddenly came 'n
Filled up her sweet pistil with goo.

Friday, December 25, 2015

OP232. No hoof on your roof

It's realized - Santa's worst fear
The reindeer are striking this year
Fatigue was a factor
So he bought a tractor
For nothing can run like a Deere.

OP231. Well worth it

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Since I fucked his wife, Santa was mocking
By the gift that he left in my stocking
For I find that it is
Encrusted with jizz
I was bad, so it isn't that shocking.

1935. 74 degrees, 88% humidity

The day of gift-giving is here
And El Niño is really in gear
Does not seem like Christmas
It's warm like the Isthmus
Of Panama must feel all year.

It might also have to do with our being at the most southerly point of South Carolina, visiting kids and grandkids.  Here's hoping that -- wherever you are -- you'll have the merriest of Christmases!

Thursday, December 24, 2015

1934. Ho Ho No!

It's here, Christmas Eve!  Children fantasize
I try
not to grow to gigantasize
This time of the year
Food, eggnog, and beer
Cause my belly to swell up to Santa-size.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

1933. What a drip

As they honeymooned at The Mirage
Mrs. Trickle endured a barrage
For there in their room
The car-racing groom
Kept driving into her garage.

My all-time favorite sports-world name belonged to NASCAR's Dick Trickle.  Click here for more.   (Since the last one listed played 1st base, surely his nickname was 'Stretch!'

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

1932. Scion of Hooker Chemicals?

Near Niagara, a whore who's named Sal
Will not douche, she's a filthy old gal
She has no solution
To clean the pollution
That dwells in her foul Love Canal.

Monday, December 21, 2015

1931. Triple bogey troubles

At golf I have ne'er broken par
Might as well spend my time in a bar
Though I make a few birdies
I have those absurdies
Which quickly a scorecard will mar.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

1930. But no Elvis sightings

We're in Tupelo, that's Mississippi 
And feeling a little bit chippy 
Car's covered with frost 
We can see its exhaust 
But can't drive 'til the ice is all drippy. 

27 degrees here. We stayed overnight on the way to Hilton Head for Christmas. The forecast down there is "highs of 75, lows of 58."

Saturday, December 19, 2015

PD202-206. Disparate dames

A young porno star name of Sue
Was a hit when it came to a screw
Her climactic fame spread
With promotions that read,
"Coming Soon at a Theatre Near You”.

There was a young virgin named Lynn
Who thought getting fucked was a sin
At least, that's the ruse
She attempted to use
Only moments before giving in.

Timid Tim wed a virgin named Heather.
She was shy when they cuddled together
But the first time they stripped
He got hogtied and whipped
By a thigh-booted bitch in black leather!

A toothsome young starlet named Smart
Was asked to display oral art
As the price for a role.
She complied, met his goal
By sinking her teeth in the part.

Said a coed from Duke University
When asked about sexual diversity,
"Oh, screwing’s okay
In the old fashioned way,
But I do like a touch of perversity."

Friday, December 18, 2015

1929. Italian rapscallion

Louis Prima would sing, "Oh, Marie!"
In Las Vegas, New Orleans, Paris
His act was gigantic
With jazz-style real frantic
You'd get a complete pot pourri.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

1928. Pianist on the plains

When hearing pianist Tom Lanners
Some students don't have the best manners
'Tween movements, start clapping
(Awaking those napping)
While others display football banners.

OSU is more renowned for its athletics than its music department.  Dr. Lanners may change that.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

1927. Bitchin' to the kitchen

I hate to say this to ya face
But this is some bad bouillabaise
You must let it simmer
This shrimp's still a swimmer!
When making it, what?  Do ya race?

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

1926. Distresses from tresses

A woman I once chanced to charm
Stripped down and it gave me alarm
Her fright'ning mons veneris 

Was surely sui generis
Those pubes were as long as my arm!

Perhaps it was "Louise" from the last one found here...

Monday, December 14, 2015

1925. Set in my ways

Folks gen'rally raise my suspicions
When their emails contain disquisitions
With words, please don't bludgeon
This ancient curmudgeon
It's doubtful you'll change my positions.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

1924. An un-inveigled virgin?

"Why is it that you act so vain
And refuse me a screw to obtain?
It's hard to get naughty
With someone so haughty
Do tell -- have you ever been lain?"

(I know, it's 'laid.')

Saturday, December 12, 2015

1923. Thatcher reward, boys

Tom Sawyer's best friend was named Huck
Each tried getting Becky to fuck
She'd steadfastly refuse
To give either some cooze
But she didn't mind having a suck.


Friday, December 11, 2015

1922. Vet your pet

Cats are black, white, striped, calico, gray
Dogs, too, come in quite an array
But even if  umber
They're too great in number
Blest be the pet owner who'll spay.

Everyone is familiar with bumper stickers saying 
      I NY
 I think veterinarians ought to give out ones reading 
      I my dog

Thursday, December 10, 2015

1921. Oral fixation

Vacationing on a cruise ship,
I got elderly Polly to strip
She took out her dentures
Before our adventures
Then gave me the old Poligrip.™

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

1920. A part of aging

Ev'ry day I take six pills or more
They're procured from my local drug store
When I rise, green, pink, red
And then, just before bed,
Two plain white and one blue with a score.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

1919. Sicky and picky

Astride a new boy in the abbey
The Monsignor grew rather crabby,
"I know that you're young
But I wish that your bung
Weren't so tight -- I prefer 'em more flabby."

Monday, December 7, 2015

1918. I think her singing's spoor

Like Ella, J-Lo has grown fat
(Although most of her weight's in her prat)
I would not call it jazz
But she certainly has
A strong penchant for singing some scat.

Sunday, December 6, 2015

1917. Tatas bulbous

No tits are quite like those of Helen's
What I'd pay just to peek at her melons!
Both her boobs and behind
Can bring rape into mind
They're enough to turn men into felons.

Saturday, December 5, 2015

1916. Should've curbed his enthusiasm

While street-preaching outside a bar
Mike stepped forth to be heard afar
But being so garrulous
Turned out quite perilous
Michael got hit by a car.

Friday, December 4, 2015

OP230. Does this suit you?

The hooker's a looker, Miss Tucker
If bought at the beach, you could fuck her
And when with a prophet
Can't keep her mouth off it
At sea you can see a seersucker.

1915. Something in common with Arabs

At language, I'm usually deft
But Hebrew just leaves me bereft
When I go to Haifa
I can't for the life o'
Me make myself read right to left.

Imagine trying to sing it; notes go L-R, words R-L!

Thursday, December 3, 2015

1914. My merry-time member

A French girl I'd tried hard to nail
Told me, finally, I could assail
Her twat.  It smelled fishy,
That pussy from Vichy,
So I used my massive sperm whale.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

1913. Sadat's what happened next

There once was a woman from Vassar
Who hosted Gamal Abdel Nasser
His hair was so oily
She crocheted a doily
To use as an antimacassar.

Nasser was president of Egypt 1956-1970.  Anwar Sadat succeeded him.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

1912. Call a doctor? Why?!

Men get wide-eyed by Viagra's lore
About hard-ons that last up to four
Hours, but if it came true
I would know what to do:
Screw at least ten times, maybe a score!