Saturday, March 31, 2012

628. Plagiarized from Allan Sherman

Sherman was a Jewish comedian who won the 1964 Comedy Recording Grammy for "Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah."  He was well-known for parodying famous songs by adding humorous lyrics.  This limerick was inspired by his skewering of Torna a Surriento (Come back to Sorrento.)  Hear it on youtube-- it starts about 26:20.

A mopey old fellow named Marcus,
Would dress up when things looked the darkes'.
He'd wear his best suit
And a tie that was cute --
Felt good by adorning his carcass.

Friday, March 30, 2012

626-627. Whatever works

There once was a maiden named Hannah,
Who couldn't attract any man.  A
Dildo which she used
(One might say she abused)
Was a large and quite unripe banana!

The bi-sexual actress, Anne Heche,
Does things frowned on in old Marrakech.
Ellen got her in bed,
Then twice Annie got wed,
Guess all comers are welcome to mesh.

OP25. Thiamine is a boy's best friend...

A malnourished fellow from Nottingham
Was named Barry Barry--a tautonym.
   Since B1 was off in his
   Food, an homophonous
Plight (beriberi) was fraught in him.

March is National Nutrition Month, so I wanted to hurry to post this one before it is over. Readers concerned about the pronunciation of Nottingham are referred to the Comment section. Brave blog viewers who wish to examine a diet suggested by The Limericist should see his Post #568 of February 24.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

625. Berlin Boy

Albrecht Mayer has been principal oboist of the Berlin Philharmonic for 20+ years and also appears as soloist with the world's major orchestras.

Herr Mayer whose first name is Albrecht,
Just never plays anything suspecht.
In fact, he's so good
Any oboist should
n't, but sometimes must feel like a rejecht.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

623-624. With and without

An athletic man from Zimbabwe,
Jacked off in a very odd-job way.
Used his foot, not his hand
To massage his big gland,
Then used scales to find "What did this gob weigh?"

A battle-worn Scotsman named Doonoch,
For a shirt wears a loose-fitting tunic.
'Neath his kilt nothing swings
For he's missing his "things",
A mortar shell made him a eunuch.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

621-622. Dalliances

There once was a woman, Ms. Chester,
Who worked as a new mattress tester.
One night to the store
Brought a man, played the whore
And the cops had to come and arrest her.

There once was a husband named Mort,
Who liked to go out and cavort.
When he would get back
And request a late snack
"Go to hell!" was the angry retort.

Monday, March 26, 2012

620. Archaic last word

A fellow named Bull one day crept
Through a china shop, but was inept.
He knocked off a dish
And two hand-blown glass fish,
I'd say he was aptly yclept.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

618-619. Light and dark

A white married couple named Groom,
Had a baby pop out of the womb.
But alas and alack,
The infant is black,
So tell me now, who's fucking whom?

Maybe this guy was involved...
A black braggart, Tyrone Larturious,
Makes claims which seem awfully curious.
"I has two Ph.D.s"
And "These heah's my yacht keys"
Are just two that have proved to be spurious.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

617. Up on the house top

Our nice home has many a board,
And a feature that can't be ignored.
On top, there's a cupola
Installed with much hoopola,
We named it, of course, "Francis Ford."

Friday, March 23, 2012

615-616. Clerking

A husband went shopping, was harried,
At checkout, two items (hand-carried.)
Clerk asked "Want a bag?"
He replied without lag,
"No, thank you.  I'm already married."

And why is Deborah Kerr pronounced 'car'? 
A British girl worked as a clerk,
And after work, liked to go park.
If you'd get her real hot
She would fuck on the spot
But your car windows had to be dark.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

614. Dream boy

There once was a man named McDish,
Who each night went to bed with one wish --
For a man, big and strong,
To come wand'ring along.
McDish (you have gathered) was swish.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

611-613. I auto be ashamed

A Milquetoasty fellow named Meckless,
Drove and used his cell phone (is that reckless?)
It got him arrested,
He could have protested
But Meckless was totally feckless. 

A show-offy rascal avowed he
"Might drive fast, but I'm never rowdy."
Test-drove to determine
Which fine auto German
To purchase -- Mercedes or Audi? 

A not-very-careful guy, Ardytch,
Drove an out-of-alignment old car which
Just wouldn't go where
He would aim it, and there
Fore he often wound up in a bar ditch.

Here in the American southwest, "bar ditches" are the channels on either side of a road and running parallel to it.   They collect rainwater runoff and are typically about 4'-5' wide and 2'-3' deep.  I had always wondered about the name and inquired of my British cousin if she were familiar with the term and its origins.

She was and said "You see, the highway must be above the surrounding land so as not to flood.  To make it "high", the road-builders "borrow" earth from beside it, leaving behind the "borrow" ditch."  (It sounds as if our "bar" is just twang for 'borrow'!)

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

610. We be jammin'

There once was a man named Monroe,
Who had a disease of the toe.
He got it from focking
His wife with no stocking
(Unusual, as fetishes go.)

Monday, March 19, 2012

609. A G&S mess

This is my first foray into Gilbert and Sullivan land.  May not be my last.  Should it be?

A G&S song called "Tit Willow",
Like most of their stuff is quite sillow.
Sung in The Mikado
Without much bravado
Still, caused their bank balance to billow.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

607-608. Hookers

A street-walking woman named Bolling,
Each night hits the sidewalks for strolling.
She will pick up some guys

Who she'll let 'tween her thighs --
In vernacular, she goes out "trolling."

There is an odd bastard named Hugh,
'Bout women, he hasn't a clugh.
Although he has paid
Two or three to get laid,
He still doesn't know how to scrugh.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

606. Top o' the mornin'

Pretty Erin grew up Ma- and Pa-less,
And she turned out to be rather lawless.
She screwed and cavorted
With breasts unsupported,
A pure case of Erin go bra-less.

OP20-24. Wait ‘Til I Tell You ..

This story limerick came from a new reader.  He wishes to be known as "The Twisted Cowboy."

Wait ‘Til I Tell You A Tall Tale Of The Toll For Some Tail

There once lived a gal of great beauty
In a house known for its ill reputy
     Cops wouldn’t arrest her
     But instead they caressed her
Then claimed they were doing their duty
The boys came from miles far away
Just to see through her thin negligee
     She’d dance then she’d giggle
     And prance with a wiggle
Then join each for romps in the hay
Ere long she was swollen and red
And felt like she’d rather be dead
     So she went to a doctor
     Who promptly defrocked her
And prescribed she spend more time in bed
As her tummy grew bigger and bigger
She could see she was losing her figure
     But her cries and her screams
     Went unheard so it seems
‘Til her kid bellowed shrieks with more vigor
All the whores treated her with great scorn
Which soon left her feeling forlorn
     So she got up and dressed
     Then she headed out west
Where she now is a star of fine porn 

Friday, March 16, 2012

605. Getting it... up

A horny young pilot, Pierre,
Liked fucking his girl in the air.
He'd position his sweet
On his lap in left seat
And then roger her tight derriere.

(This happened in a Fokker.  He also did boys -- it was a bi-plane.)

Thursday, March 15, 2012

603-604. Sorry for deserting you

A library lady, Lynette,
Decided my interest to whette.
Gave me novels on disk
With plots that were brisk,
My drive to the desert?  No swette!

While trav'ling on one of my flings,
I wound up in sunny Palm Springs.
My brother played host
And we sure made the most
Of tennis, golf, scenery and things.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

595-602. 8 day's worth

These will have to suffice until The Ides, when I return.

While sucking the dick of a black,
A queer said "Please cut me some slack.
Your cock is so big
That my mouth cannot fig
Ure out how it can take your whole pack."

Connecticut's wealthy town, Darien,
Has a wasteful old woman named Marion.
Money she has amassed
Most likely won't last,
For at spending, you won't find her tarryin'.

A hooker (and horrible looker),
Had a pimp whom she used as her booker.
When johns came to her place
And they looked at her face
They'd put sacks on her head 'fore they'd fook 'er.

A Roman named Coriolanus,
Withheld the plebes' grain -- very heinous!
He was put on display
In a Will Shakespeare play
And portrayed therein as a big anus.

There once was a bastard named Billy,
Who could really disgust a young filly.
While taking a leak,
He'd force her to peek
And to shake the dew off of his lily.

A man (hard of hearing) named Leffer,
Got wed to a healthy young heifer.
And although she roared
Her desires were ignored,
For old Leffer could not have been deafer. 

A carefree old gal named Ramona,
'Round the house would wear just a kimono.
When its closure would gape,
Her man thought of rape
And he'd suddenly get a big bona.

There once was a sports fan named James,
Who hadn't much luck with the dames.
On first dates, wouldn't go
To a new picture show --
'Stead he'd take 'em to basketball games.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

593-594. Gamboling trip

I've always loved road trips and will be making one starting tomorrow.  I'm meeting my brother in Palm Springs to watch some of the Indian Wells tennis tournament, play some evening blackjack at a nearby Indian casino, and perhaps get in a round of golf.  I'll return on the 14th but plan to post LOTS of limmies tomorrow to tide you over.

A bad tennis player named Bob,
Had only one shot -- the high lob.
But he hit them so short
His opponent's retort
Was to smash overheads by the gob.

A sinful old codger named Campbell,
Goes out to Las Vegas to gamble.
Fucks two or three hookers
(All very good lookers),
To win back their cost, he must scramble.

Monday, March 5, 2012

592. Cthulhu

My title is a mythological, malevolent beast in several stories by H. P. Lovecraft.  I didn't know this until today, when the word arrived in an email from another limerick writer.  After looking it up, I sent her

Your use of the arcane word, "Cthulhu",
To me seemed to be quite a lulu!
Your marvelous schtick
Made me Google it quick --
Up 'til then, thought it might have been Zulu.

591. Abbreviations

Commercials now seen on TV,
Seem to me not to be too PC.
At least the inflection
"Can't get an erection"
Has been euphemized as ED.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

590. Tight fit

This one was inspired by Madeline Kahn's parody of Marlene Dietrich in Blazing Saddles.  Her character was Lili Von Schtupp.
There once was a soldier named Funk,
Who sneaked a fat girl to his bunk.
But he couldn't schtupp her
(No room 'neath the upper)
She had too much junk in her trunk!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

588-589. Brothers' blunder down under

There once was an Aussie named Florence,
Who looked upon men with abhorrence.
For when she was a kid
What her brothers once did
Was to pee on her bod in great torrents!

This def'nitely damaged her psyche.
Her mood swings are totally spiky.
When she feels just a touch,
It upsets her so much
That she's liable to holler out "Crikie!"

Friday, March 2, 2012

583-587. And yet more composers

Old Carl Maria von Weber,
Wrote works you should play for a neighbor.
They are classic and clean
Like a well-oiled machine
But we don't hear that much of his labor.

The composer named Francis Poulenc,
Is considered of medium renc.
Musicologists say
He was openly gay,
And you can take that to the benc.

Jean Sibelius could have been dandier,
If his lifestyle had been a bit randier.
He hasn't much fame
Because few folks can name
Anything that he wrote, 'cept Finlandier.

(Actually, his seven symphonies are quite good.)

The French master, Gabriel Fauré,
Is one we should highly regardez.
He wrote with the beauty
Of some stunning cutie
I met while attending a soirée.

Guitar writer Manuel de Falla,
Penned things of which I do not tiah.
His works, when Segoviated,
Were not ever bloviated,
I listen because they inspiah.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

582. My exercise regimen also

A sluggardly woman named Daisy,
Likes walking on days that are hazy.
Goes only one block
So you won't find it shock
Ing that Daisy is awfully lazy.

581. Mean moniker

There once was a scumbag named Tucker,
Whom everyone called a cocksucker.
But he wasn't gay,
'Twas the stuff that he'd say
Which would cause your old asshole to pucker.