Friday, September 30, 2011

210. Saving money out the ass

A miserly tightwad named Bob
Used T.P. as rough as a cob.
Much cheaper than Charmin
But constantly harmin'
His hemorrhoids and that made him sob.

209. Refund time

Before grooming the hair on her twat,
A gal had a money-wise thought.
"If I leave all the the locks
Which adorn my sweet box
I can take back the Nair that I bought!

208. I want his job

A well-endowed fellow named Wright
Is a gigolo most every night.
He fucks dusk-til-dawn,
Gives a humongous yawn,
Goes for breakfast, then sleeps while it's light.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

207. And no irritating voice

An 18-wheel driver named Sally
Used maps made by old Rand McNally.
See, her truck's GPS
Was a mis'rable mess --
It would tell her to turn down an alley!

206. Hare trigger

A man spent his life on the run,
So on dates he provided no fun.
Had a terrible habit --
He fucked like a rabbit --
Was through damned near 'fore he'd begun!

205. Golf backward is flog

I like to head out to my course
Which, thankfully, doesn't have gorse.
'Cause the way that I play,
(Shots go every which way)

Means I often am filled with remorse.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

204. Takes talent AND practice

A gifted pianist named Lynch
Could fill in with a group in a pynch.
A wondrous sight-reader
He'd follow the leader
And never miss notes from the bynch.

203. Luckless

There once was a man with bad luck,
At gambling he really did suck.
But at love, even worse,
He was under a curse --
Just could not get a woman to fuck.

202. Cheese cutter

A woman considered hard-hearted
Had a problem -- she constantly farted!
When she'd cut a big poot
Folks around her would scoot,
'Cause if they didn't leave, their eyes smarted.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

201. We're talkin' short!

While bemoaning his dick to a pard,
A circumcised man dropped his guard:
"If I still had my foreskin
(A tiny bit more skin)
The head would stay hid when I'm hard!"

199-200. Cleanliness is cloying -- but try these.

A man who was deaf as a post
Decided a dinner to host.
When his guests rang the bell --
Well, how could he tell?
So he ate the entire rib roast.

A mendacious salesman named Steve
At each job he held, got asked to leave.
His habitual lying
Left customers crying
And wanting refunds to receive.

198. Another woman from Sidney

An Australian gal rode a bikie
And wore only clothes sold by Nike.
After sex, she would douche
And the bag had a swoosh!
Now that's brand allegiance, by crikie!

197. OCD

A fastidious fellow named Fritz
Gargles mouthwash before licking clits.
As a prelude to pee
Washes hands - OCD?
Plus he wipes 'fore and after he shits

Monday, September 26, 2011

196. We're talkin' cold!

This site continues to receive daily hits from Russia.  As a 'thank you' for your visits,

A fellow while in Vladivostok
Experienced a horrible frost shock!
When he took out his lizard
To pee in a blizzard
It fell off!  Have you seen his lost cock?

195. The eyes have it

There is a young fellow named Clint,
Needs glasses and this makes him squint.
When he sees a girl's thighs
There's a change in his eyes
And instead of a squint, there's a glint!

194. Heather McCartney?

A woman with only one leg
Said "I'd like to be wed, but won't beg.
I may walk with a limp
But don't call me a gimp,
Or else you'll get hit with my peg."

193. 'Snot very nice

A weird cunnilinguist named Stees
Had his girl stand, then dropped to his knees.
Decided to prep her
By sprinkling with pepper,
He ate her, but boy did he sneeze!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

192. Rand-om thoughts

An old right-wing codger named Walt
Quoted Ayn Rand with which he'd assault
His friends.  They were bugged
And, like Atlas, just shrugged
When Walt asked of them "Who is John Galt?"

(Google the quotation if you want to know.)

Saturday, September 24, 2011

PD6. Another classic

If this one isn't in the famous limericks hall of fame, it should be.  Author unknown..

There once was a woman from Sidney
Who could take it clear up to her kidney.
Then a man from Quebec
Shoved it up to her neck --
My!  He had a long one, now didn' he?

191. Chance romance

A hot-blooded fellow named Vance
Met an also-hot girl at a dance.
To his car, made a vector
With her, where he necked her
And quickly got into her pance.

190. Seed-y hotel

There once was a desk clerk named Bobby
Who had an unusual hobby.
He beat off like a demon
And saved up his semen
Then used it to repaint the lobby.

Friday, September 23, 2011

189. It's a hit

A Sicilian guy who washed dishes,
Didn't always perform his Don's wishes.
When this news traveled back
A thug gave him a whack,
Bada bing! He now sleeps with the fishes.

185-188. Occupations

There once was an auto mechanic
Whose actions were totally manic.
Overhauling your ride,
He would toss parts aside,
When it came time to find 'em, he'd panic!

A tocque-wearing fellow, a baker,
Had a shop which he labeled "The Caker."
When a gal would come in
(Not for sweets but for sin)
Something different would rise and he'd make her.

A fellow employed as a clerk
Would often stay late after work.
While counting the money
He'd wait for his honey
If she didn't show, he would jerk.

A man who did work as a cobbler
Had a cock which was sort of a wobbler.
At best, semi-hard --
A condition which barred
Him from fucking his wife, so he'd gobble her.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

184. Czech this out

Bedřich Smetana was a 19th Century composer from Czechoslovakia, best known for his opera, "The Bartered Bride."  He also wrote two string quartets, inspiring...

A string quartet member, well-versed
In most of the "lit" loudly cursed!
Because he was sweatin' a
Concert (all Smetana)
For which he had never rehearsed.

The Limericist always hopes to educate his readers.  He's betting at least some of you thought it was pronounced SmeTANa...

183. A coup and a scroup

A mean haughty queen got deposed
When her palace guards got drunk and dozed
Then her male successor
Said "Fellows, undress her
She's now going to really get hosed!"

182. Dual tool

While stuck in the snow for a trice,
Two car-bound young folks practiced vice.
She said, "My, your cock
Is as hard as a rock

Let's use it to scrape windshield ice!"

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

181. A Hardy lass

There once was a woman named Tess
Who always appeared in nice dress
To attract any men
Who wanted to sin.
(She'd go home with her dress in a mess.)

180. Lake wake

A backstroking babe in the nude
Tried to leave the lake waters subdued
But her large erect nipples
Left plenty of ripples
And when she got out, she got screwed.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

179. Organic fertilizer

Does anyone still say 'receipt' for 'recipe'?
There was an agronomist Kurd
Whose plant-food receipt was absurd
He would piss in a cup
And then mix it up
With a freshly-dropped hyena turd.

178. Writing Out Loud

Teresa Miller inspired this one.  You may read about her at this website.
A woman on TV named Miller
Does interviews -- totally killer!
She rivals James Lipton,
Stoops not to encryptin',
Her shows are all great -- there's no filler.

177. Reverse climb

While screwing a girl in a tree
A fellow said "I need to pee --
I'll climb down to the ground."
But his date said (and frowned)
"If you skin something, make it your knee."

Monday, September 19, 2011

176. Cuban crisis

A fellow who "carried a torch"
For a girl took her out on his porch.
He didn't get far
'Cause his smold'ring cigar
Somehow managed her clothing to scorch.

175. Best cruise reviews

A whore on a trip on a boat
Could take a dick clear down her throat!
Last night out they elected
"The girl most respected"
And she received every man's vote!

174. We've gone world-wide!

Since I began this weblog on July 27, 2011 there have been over 1,350 views.  Among the countries represented, shows the U.S. with by far the most "hits", followed in numerical order by France, Germany, Canada, The Netherlands, Australia, Russia, Egypt, Indonesia, Singapore, Slovakia, Switzerland, Romania, India and Ecuador.

Thanks to each of you for visiting.  Please tell your friends about this site (maybe not if you want them to remain friends!)  As long as people are reading, I'll keep writing!

Some people who view here are Russian.
I welcome you (but without mushin'.)
If things were idyllic
I'd post in Cyrillic,

I can't, so I guess I'll be hushin'.

173. Techniquely challenged

A mild-mannered fellow named Neal
Got emboldened and copped him a feel
But he was a wussy
At trying to get pussy
And just couldn't seal the deal.

172. Inappropriate shout out

A brazen young rascal, McMeckon
Yelled out to a girl "How 'bout neckin'?"
She shot him the bird.
(He would have preferred
A come-hither glance and a beckon.)

Sunday, September 18, 2011

171. Barometer babe

There once was a looker named Cindy
Whose wardrobe was always dependy
On whether the weather
Meant cotton or leather
Regardless, young Cindy was trendy!

170. You wish!

Most men are attracted to hooters
And I don't mean the bar filled with rooters
For various teams
Where, if just in their dreams,
They are fucking the waitresses' cooters.

169. Stereotype?

In a gay bar there sat a young queer
Trying to pick up a date with a leer
But what he was drinking
Had everyone thinking
"He's straight.  'Stead of Cosmos, drinks beer."

Saturday, September 17, 2011

168. Book by its cover

There once was a dumb-ass named Marty
Who went to a masquerade party.
He dressed up as Einstein
But there is a fine line
'Tween looking and being a smarty.

167. Damp vamp

I know of a gal quite coquettish
Who has an unusual fetish
She can fuck in the shower
Or tub for an hour.
Wherever, she has to be wettish.

166. No condom required

A woman whose boyfriends are myriad
Among them is very reveriad
For when she has sex
She never protects
Better yet, never misses her period!

165. Humps due to bumps

A lucky young fellow named Schwartz
Gets to fuck every girl whom he courts.
Though they could catch disease
He lays 'em with ease
'Cause they love his big genital warts.

Friday, September 16, 2011

164. Poor man's milkshake

A price-conscious fellow named Roscoe
Loved mixing his white milk with Bosco
He shopped all around
And the best price he found
Was to buy it in gallons at CostCo.

163. Can'tor we all get along?

An old Jewish cantor named Morris
Tried to join a Methodist chorus
Spoke he "Must I convert?"
The director said "Cert
Ainly. Otherwise, WASPs might abhor us!"

(I'm not sure WASP is still in use.  It's an acronym for White Anglo-Saxon Protestant.)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

161-162. Two more ODWGs

My brother, a pianist, once referred to the sad fact that most people today think of the great European composers as "a bunch of old, dead white guys."  It's a shame...

I made this one's stresses fall in odd places -- a tribute to ol' Béla!
An avant garde writer named Bartók
Used harmonies many find are shock
Ingly painful to like,
With accents that do spike
At odd times, very much like a car knock.

What say I of Johannes Brahms?
That his symphonic style set off bahms?
He was awfully adventury
For late 19th century
But did write that lullaby for mahms...

160. Sneak attack

There once was a virgin named Sally
Who thought her blind date was just "pally"
But he wasn't jokin'
When he started pokin' --
Her cherry's now gone from her valley!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

159. Early surround-sound

The composer named G. Gabriel-
i, wrote music for brass that is swell.
His use of antiphony
(Though not an epiphany)
Is neat when three choirs play it well.

158. Let this beak a lesson...

A weirdo from upstate New York
Decided he'd fuck him a stork
When he gave it his jolt
The bird started to moult,
Craned its neck 'round and bit off his dork.

157. Syllable switch

A limerick writer from Burma --
(Now Myanmar -- same terra firma)
Spelled its capital "Goonrang"
To rhyme it with poontang
Which makes the hair stand on my derma.

156. Drug-free

An elderly Scot named McPhee
Could no longer easily pee
This was pre-Avodart
But he found if he'd fart
It would start up his stream and bring glee!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

155. Canine cacophony

A musical fellow named Mark
Took his dog for long walks in the park
While strolling along
He'd try singing a song
But his voice only made the dog bark.

(The song was "Up on the Woof.")

154. Math time

Sir Isaac Newton and Gottfried Leibniz share the credit for developing The Calculus.

There once was a genius, Newton,
Whose horn he was always a'tootin'
On the board, using talc
He'd solve problems in calc
Then Leibniz would say "Das ist guten!"

Trusting that my German for "that's good" is close.  I never took it...

153. 'Taint what he expected

There once was a fellow named Singletary
Who decided that he'd cunnilingal Mary
But his tongue missed its goal
When he licked her asshole
And he caught in his teeth a small dingleberry.

152. Strapless

Occasionally I'll write one that's just plain silly..
There once was a woman named Betty
Whose gowns all had straps called "spaghetti"
The man in her life
Cut them off with his knife
And chopped them to bits of confetti.

Monday, September 12, 2011

151. He'll provide the cream

A British guy played a mean trumpet
And took home the occasional strumpet
After screwing his guest
He would make this request:
"Could you bring me some tea and a crumpet?"

150. Prep talk

A horny young bastard named Lum
Desired to fuck his wife's bum
He told her "The pain'll
Be less doing anal
If first I explore with my thumb."

Sunday, September 11, 2011

148-149. Classical? As limericks, not so much...

The Austrian, Franz Joseph Haydn
Loved mounting the women and ridin'.
Wrote one hundred and four
Symphonies (maybe more
But if so, well he's dead -- ain't confidin'.)

Herr Beethoven's first name was Ludwig
He was known as somewhat of a rude pig
He could hear neither clef
Because he was stone deaf
So he never heard anyone's crude dig.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

147. Is this why it's called snatch?

A couple back, I worked in the nursery rhyme character, Jack Spratt.  Here's an allusion to Georgie Porgie.

A fellow I know, last name Tighe
Just like Georgie can make the girls crighe
In his case, not by kissin' 'em
But rather by pissin' 'em
Off when he grabs their hair pighe.

146. Try Kaopectate

A loose-boweled old fellow named Ned
Should more closely watch what he's fed
For whenever he fucks
He's attacked with the flux --
After coming, he then shits the bed.

144-145. Grafenberg and Borodin

Two names which are about as obscure as Rosencrantz and Guildenstern (at least in most small hamlets.)

Found slightly below a gal's pee spot
But inside, on the top, is her G-spot
If a man ever rubs it
The woman then dubs it
Her favorite multiple WHEE spot!

You need to read the last three syllables in lines 1,2,5 as triplets...
A Russian composer named Borodin
Like Jack Spratt eschewed fatty meat for the lean.

Polovtsian Dances
Improved not his chances
Of some folks mistaking him for a queen.

Friday, September 9, 2011

143. First time's the (c)harm

A formerly virginal maid
Really wished that she'd never been laid
For her very first tryst
Caused a vaginal cyst
In that place where she shouldn't have played.

142. Why is that?

Guitarists use the same term...

A fine jazz musician named Max
Was adept on the baritone sax
He sat in with the gang,
Always used jazzy slang
And referred to his horn as his "ax"

(Maybe from playing "Woodchopper's Ball" too many times.)

141. Lip service

A sagging old woman named Glenda
As a douche blended alum with Splenda
Said she "I'm enlightened!
I've sweetened and tightened
My formerly floppy pudenda."

140. 7-syllable word

I was challenged this morning to use one of those in a limerick.  Ask and ye shall receive.

There once was a fellow named Bill
Who hated computers but still,
Helped not his frustration
Of Vista he's 'bout had his fill!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

139. Calendar girl

There once was a woman named Fox
Who fucked on the Spring Equinox
Sperm swam up her isthmus
And by the next Christmas
A baby popped out of her box.

138. Maybe his sport is hurling

A man who thought he was athletic
Tried a marathon -- Oh, how pathetic!
After less than a mile
His face lost its smile
And he puked without any emetic.

137. Dirty money

A nouveau riche show-off named Phil
Took a crap, then said this to his Jill,
"You may find me quite crass
But I just wiped my ass
With a freshly-made ten dollar bill."

136. Blue hair

When I was in the military there was a slang expression meaning "in big trouble!"  I've used it in the 4th line below.

A tatted old gal named Hortense
Gets a perm every week, plus a rinse
After sex in the nude

She's screwed, blued and tattooed
And her sagging old tits are immense.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

135. We'll show you what we know!

An Eton Don taught sexualism
And sans notice, told students he'd quiz 'em
The lads were so hacked off
They unzipped and jacked off
Then smeared up his desk with their jism.

134. Has it really been 15 years?

Bill Clinton, well-known as a flirt,
Took Lewinsky and turned her to dirt
Her blue dress was immaculate
Until his ejaculate
Dripped onto the hem of her skirt.

133. Extra base-hitter

This may need some explanation.  Baseball used to require that every player had to play defense.  Then in 1973, the American League (A.L.), wanting to create more scoring, allowed teams to play a "Designated Hitter" (DH) who batted for the pitcher (usually the team's worst hitter.)

A player who needed no mitt
(Since he just couldn't field worth a shit)
Joined a team in A.L.
Where they let him excel
As DH 'cause he really could hit.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

132. Still a virgin?

A man had a pencil-thin dong
Which was skinny but eight inches long
If a girl had her hymen
He saw little crime in
Bypassing it with his thin schlong.

130-131. Golf Buddies 2 & 3

A golfer named Mike needs some tips
On how to set up for his chips
Plays it back, hoods the club
Which causes a flub
But at least he can putt with no yips.

A CPA golfer named Wyatt
Seeing water just says "I can fly it."
Needs to carry 250 --
He hits it so nifty
The ball always sails way by it.

129. Leaky pipe

There once was a journeyman plumber
Who couldn't have been any dumber
He thought that the stork
Brought on kids, not his dork,
So he fucked without cov'ring his cummer.

Monday, September 5, 2011

128. Golf Buddy #1

There once was a golfer named Morey
Who wished he could hit it like Rory
But his swing was too flat
And he oft hit it fat
Where it went is a whole 'nother story.

127. Onanism euphemism

A freshman got thrown out of school
For constantly loping his mule
Then taking the tissue
Containing his issue
And throwing it in the dean's pool.

126. Ewwwww!

There once was a fellow named Martin
Who kept his passed gas in a carton
The smell after months
Was much worse than most cunts
One wishes he'd just cease his fartin'!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

125. Ay! Caramba!

An African man loved the samba
Which he'd play on viola da gamba

His style (no great shakes)
Really upset the snakes
And he died of a bite from a mamba

Saturday, September 3, 2011

124. Out of the bag

A man from the village of Houghtam
Had a hole in the base of his scrotum
When his balls would fall out
Of that sack 'neath his spout
He'd just pick them back up and hand tote 'em.

Friday, September 2, 2011

122-123. Not too naughty

A self-absorbed fellow named Ward
With the girls was entirely bored
Some folks thought him crazy
But he was just lazy
He died never once having scored.

A woman with tits that weren't mere
Tried to talk to guys, but they'd just leer
At her protuding bosom
(A fantastic twosome)
She'd yell "Hey! My eyes are up here!"

Thursday, September 1, 2011

121. Romancing the stone-dead

A man who enjoyed necrophilia
Told a woman "I think I will killia
'Cause you have to be dead
'Fore I'll take you to bed."
(In my rhymes, no one's ever been sillia.)

120. Pus-y Pussy

A filthy old hooker named Hester
Wasn't coy and cops came to arrest her
When they saw that the whore
Had a purulent sore
On her twat they just left her to fester.

How to post (replay) requires that I invite people in order for them to be able to post.  If you want that ability, do a comment -- "I'd like to post." -- to any entry and the website will notify me by email.   I will then have your email address and will write you back with the additional steps you must take in order to become a "poster child."  :)

You may also email me directly from the site.  Click my avatar (the little white dog) under "Members" on the right side of the page.  Then click the "Send a message" link and start typing.

Now for some added fun.  I am offering to write personalized limericks!  For now, they're going to be free (and always will be to my friends), but if this site takes off, I will probably move it to a website that allows commerce.  You might "order" one for someone's birthday, a bachelor or bachelorette party, etc.  All I need is the name of the honoree, some facts, incidents, and so forth and I'll whip one up!  You'll get to specify clean, suggestive, or smutty!

119. 3 strikes

There once was a man named McTiffy
Whose chances for love were quite iffy
He had only one eye
And was painfully shy
Furthermore, how he dressed wasn't spiffy.