Saturday, May 31, 2014

1349. How to fuck a fat woman

If you get a case of the hots
For a gal full of flab, I mean LOTS,
Do not feel so dolor-
ous.  Take her and roll her
In flour and then look for wet spots.

Friday, May 30, 2014

1348. Thanks for the Limmeries

This blog now has one hundred fifty
Submissions of humor most thrifty
Written by you OP's*
And they usually please
Your host, who considers you nifty!

* For you readers who've never bothered to read the banner atop each page, OP designations for entry numbers mean they were posted by 'Other People', that is, not by your blog host, The Limericist.

OP150. Baby Nora vs. nursery crimes

Hickory, dickory, dock.
My grandpa writes limerick schlock!
     I don’t know which is worse,
     Being born or his verse.
Will I quote it when I learn to talk?

Congratulations, Mr. Limericist, on the arrival of a new Greatest Generation!  (Re: No. 1346)

Thursday, May 29, 2014

1347. Is stupidity a Hazard?

A man without too much intelli
Brought some lubricant home for wife Nellie.
"Tonight we will fucky
Like folks from Kentucky"
He said.  "We will use KY Jelly."

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

1346. 1st time grandparents

Today the world gained Nora Rose
Caggiano.  She has all ten toes
And fingers, how great!
Pics don't show her (bald?) pate
But I think she has grandma's cute nose.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

1345. Pair o' sights

A Florida fellow named Foss
Took a tart 'neath a tree for a toss
He lasted so long
With his tireless dong
That when done, they had grown Spanish Moss.

Monday, May 26, 2014

OP149. Mulva

There once was a girl named Dolores
Whose bush was a densely packed forest
But then the entire
Thing went up in fire
And burned up her lovely clitoris.

1344. A good walk spoiled

That title is just one description of golf.  My favorite is, "Golf is a game in which you must hit the ball to have fun.  But the fewer times you hit it, the more fun you have.  Does this make any sense?"

Just home from the links -- a disasta --
It's a game that I never will masta
I've spent many a buck
Yet at golf I still suck,
I think I should take up canasta.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

1343. Burning desire

That carved wooden boy named Pinocch-
io jacked off with too fast a stroke.
His hand applied licks
Like a scout with two sticks,
From the friction, he went up in smoke!

Saturday, May 24, 2014

1342. Toro, Toro, Toro!

I awakened with one mighty yawn,
Realized I was only a pawn
In the game we call life
When I heard from my wife,
"Get your ass up and go mow the lawn!"

Friday, May 23, 2014

1341. Maiden the U.K.

There once was a wastrel from Wickham
Who covered his penis with slickum
When e'er he'd get urgin's
And deflower some virgins
It didn't hurt much when he'd dick 'em.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

1340. Fringe benefit?

A boy child was born and named Willy,
Circumcised by a doc who was silly.
It brought mom to tears
When he used pinking shears
Leaving Willie with one frilly dilly!

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

1339. Spent knights

The Crusade of Richard the First
Was the third one, and somewhat accursed.
He took too few paladins
To fight troops of Saladin's
No vict'ry -- his lion-heart burst.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

1338. No panty mime

There was a weird femme from Bordeaux
With gout and a very sore toe.
The pain would subside
If she fucked like a bride --
But only with Marcel Marceau!

1337. Pain in the lane

Last evening the OKC Thunder
Let Tim Duncan pillage and plunder
No defense was shown
Down in Ol' San Antone

Can we win from the Spurs?  Well, I wonder.

Monday, May 19, 2014

1336. Tanks for the memories

A soldier on leave in Manhattan
Thought a girl's hatch he just might unbatten
First, took her for oysters
Way up near The Cloisters;
It worked!  He attacked like George Patton.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

1335. Maryland (no merryland)

Alas!  All the future is bleakness;
I succumbed to my old gambling weakness.
The horse which I bet
Yesterday's running yet
In the race that is known as The Preakness.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

PD139-144. Various vulgarities

A neurotic young man from Tulane
Caused his mother considerable pain
He poured nitroglycerin
Where dad put his pisser in
And then threw her under a train.

A certain young lady named Rowell
Had a musical bent to her bowel.
With a good plate of beans
Tucked under her jeans
She'd play To a Wild Rose by MacDowell.

There is a hot lady named Broom,
Who reminds me of someone---but whom?
If only I knew
I'd get both the two
Together some night, and I'd' screw'm.

In all of the Grecian metropolis
There was only one virgin---Papapoulos;
But her cunt was all calluses
From fucking the phalluses
Of gods that adorned the Acropolis

A young airline stewardess, May,
Has achieved the ultimate lay.
She was screwed without quittin’
From Maine to Great Britain
It's clear that she’s come a long way.

(My guess is the plane left from Bangor.)

There once was a harlot named Leeza
Who said, "If my cunt doesn't please ya,
You are welcome to cum
In my slimy old bum,
Just be careful the tapeworm don't seize ya".

Thursday, May 15, 2014

1334. Iowa lot to teachers

A student thought he could purloin
A teacher's heart up in Des Moines
He fed her a line
Of bullshit so fine
That she let the boy study her groin.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

1333. Bowness itchuation

A Lake Country woman named Bream
Needed oil in her dermis, 'twould seem
Her skin was so desicc-
ate, she went to Keswick
To buy hydrocortisone cream.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

OP148. Indian Love Coll(ection)

Don’t be sad that the bachelor Sridhar
Still has no one whom he may call “Sweethear’.”
     For one finds in the wake
     Of this globe-trotting rake
Where prodigious results of his seed are.

Written to honor a departing colleague, this text is completely fictional –- or is it?

1332. Pimp and circumstance

A constable working in Crewkerne
Arrested a woman for hookin'
She was let out of gaol
When the chief paid her baol
(Which sounds like a case of home cookin'.)

I've still not exhausted the UK toponyms sent me by reader Richard.  Today's is a village in Somerset, not too far from Exeter.  That city provided the famous one previously posted (Nov. 7, 2011) as PD12.

Monday, May 12, 2014

1331. Germans on the rise again?

An election was held near the Rhine
To select the erection most fine
Results of the pollin'
Determined 'Best Swollen',
His grew from two inches to nine!

Sunday, May 11, 2014

1330. No newts is bad newts

Two bald-headed actors from Wrexham
Fear Macbeth's wicked witches will hex 'em
So each night the strong bald one
Secretes* the black caldron
Which rankles the guy who directs 'em.

*As in 'hides.'  We don't hear that meaning very often.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

1329. So glaringly obvious

In a town in East Sussex named Uckfield
When it rains, rugby's played on a muck field.
And when it gets dark
Lovers head for the park
Where the greensward (of course) is a fuck field.

Friday, May 9, 2014

1328. She intruded? He's deluded.

The trial of Oscar Pistorius
Has been broadcast with all of the gories'
Details.  "Blade Runner,"
That 'frightened' hand-gunner,
Seems guilty and also vainglorious.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

1327. What a dipstick

A gal on the rag found some lug,
Took him home where she acted quite smug
"Now, when me you despoil
It's like checking my oil,
But first let me pull my drain plug."

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

1326. Sharper than her tongue

A husband who lived in Polperro*
Oft was cut by his wife to the marrow
As a great quid pro quo
He bought a long bow
And shot her fat bum with an arrow.

*Another British town (it's in Cornwall.)

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

OP147. The short straw

I know of a fellow named Nick
Who has the world's tiniest dick
Though he can, in a pinch
Make it stretch to an inch
He is better advised to go lick.

1325. Good Lard! Knott my best.

In a contest to eat the most pie
Gary gave fifteen flavors a try
The boysenberry
Did poison Gary
Which caused him to throw up and cry.

Monday, May 5, 2014

1324. In the bag

A man who'd had many a hum job
Used his old stretched-out scrotum to plumb bob
And the size of the nuts
Hanging under his putz
Insured he could shoot a large cum gob.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

1323. A salt with no deadly weapon

A ship captain's life was a sham
He did not, for the law, give a damn
Whenever in port
He'd commit a small tort
And creep back to his ship on the lam.

Friday, May 2, 2014

1322. No Stern remarks

When agreeing to teach Oscar Shumsky
Mr. Zimbalist's skull wasn't numbsky
Efrem said, "I'll be fuct,
He can play and conduct!"
And the student became a close chumsky.

Shumsky (1917-2000) was a fine American violinist and conductor.  One of his teachers was Russian-born Efrem Zimbalist (1889-1985.)  Zimbalist was one of the greatest violinists ever but his son, actor Efrem Zimbalist, Jr, got more fame.  Sigh...

1321. Food fright

There once was a sous chef who reveled
In making the eggs known as 'deviled'
On top he would leak a
Small shake of paprika
But smear it, which left them disheveled.

I love them and will eat them regardless of appearance!

Thursday, May 1, 2014

OP146. Collaboration

When Richard sent me the UK toponyms, he provided all of a limerick he could recall -- L1 and L5 -- and wondered if I could supply the rest.  I didn't know that last line, though Legman published two referencing Twickenham.  Anyway, I made up L2-4 to arrive at this:

There was a young man from Twickenham
Got two skanky whores, began lickin' 'em
When he noticed pus drips
Falling off of his lips

Then he took off his boots and was sick in ‘em.