Saturday, February 28, 2015

1629. Devil-y Reveille

A Lance Corp'ral named Tommy Tewgler
Got assigned as the company bugler
His horn hid his stash
Of both fine weed and hash
If discovered, he'd say, "It's arug'la."

Friday, February 27, 2015

1628. Sterility and humility

A husky weight lifter named Sweeney
Had a very incredible weenie.
Up until P.E.D.s*
It hung down to his knees
It's the size now of one tortellini.

*Performance Enhancing Drugs.  Some purportedly cause penile shrinkage.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

1627. Reluctant service

This morning I have to go out
On my thirteen stop Meals on Wheels route
I promised I'd do it
But want to eschew it
It's gonna be colder than kraut.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

1625-1626. Two from the loo

A typical teen named John Paul
Sneaked into the bath down the hall
While chokin' his chicken
He felt his pulse quicken
And shot his wad onto the wall.

A silly young techno-geek chap
Used his iPhone when taking a crap
He spoke not a word
But the splashes one heard
Meant he downloaded more than an app.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

1624. Coney Island Commie

A South Brooklyn man, Kirilenko,
Owned three lovely games of Pachinko
Made in North Korea
This gave the idea
To people that he was a pinko.

Monday, February 23, 2015

1623. It's a wrap

Gonorrhea makes taking a leak
Really burn, so when whores Bob would seek
Before he would bond 'em
He'd put on a condom
The better to pee the next week.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

1622. Democrazy

That Putin dude says things emphatically
Most Ukrainians don't take them ecstatically
He had this idea
To annex Crimea
So did so, and quite autocratically.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

1621. 4F

One day a man picked up a twit
Took her parking and fed her some shit
He felt up her crotch,
Used his strength to debauch
The poor girl, shoved her out and then split.

Don't get any ideas, as date rape is a serious problem.  My title refers to that age-old high school advice, "Find 'em, feel 'em, fuck 'em and forget 'em."

Friday, February 20, 2015

1620. French lessens? No, it grows!

We've picked up a reader from France
Almost daily he gives us a glahnce
I'm glad it's no rumor
That herein lies humor
If that's what he wants, well bon chance!

Thursday, February 19, 2015

1619. Likable lawyer

That attorney-turned-novelist, Grisham,
Writes two books every year to unleash 'em
His top-selling thrillers
Will sometimes have killers
If you want good reads, he can dish 'em.

I've just begun The Litigators, my first JG book in years.  Had forgotten how entertaining he is.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

1618. Clap for him!

There once was a fellow named Chip
Who thought that his dick had the grippe
It burned when he'd pee,
Really itched and oh, gee

It coughed up a thick yellow drip.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

1617. My 'must have' website

Got a message from Master Anu*
That my AWAD** renewal was due
I sent my remittance
Such joy for a pittance!
I'm paid up, now how about you?

*Seattle's Anu Garg is the delightful host of AWAD.

**My 'blog has touted A.Word.A.Day many times.  Please join HERE.

Monday, February 16, 2015

1616. Snow lie

It snowed last night -- 3 or 4 inches
Think I'll throw out some seed for the finches
I'd like doing the same
With my long-married dame
But she's no longer fond of my clinches.

Or maybe it's 'cause she'd also receive just 3-4".

Sunday, February 15, 2015

1615. They take it seriously. (I know.)

A guy and his gal had been pallin' fine
Then one day he could not keep that gal in line
She did as she pleased
And could not be appeased
For the jerk had not bought her a valentine.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

1614. Smegma smut

There once was a man from Belize
Whose johnson was covered with fleas
They laid their small eggs
In the crotch of his legs
Also under his foreskin's head cheese.

Friday, February 13, 2015

1613. Hubbard belonged in a cupboard

Scientologists all want to chase
'Round Bermuda, that staid isle of grace
Their b'liefs will not grant us
Surcease from Atlantis,
That antediluvian (non) place.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

1612. Size matters (population, that is)

A queer from near Faversham moped
For he found it quite hard to get groped
'Til he moved just off Kensing-
ton Square, where his mincing
Walk advertised just as he'd hoped.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

1611. You're left Canada dry

A gal up in cold Nunavut
Is an orally-fixated slut
The way she can suckle
Will make your legs buckle

It's sad; of her type there's no glut.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

OP162. For the master

There once was a fellow named Phil
Whose penis could no longer thrill
He'd never get laid
Except with the aid
Of a powerful little blue pill.

If I ever get enough of these to write a book, I'll surely include you in the thank yous, and with this limerick.  Unless I think of a better one by then.  But that would surely take me several more years of limericks, especially at my recent pace.

1610. Bucktown pour la bouche

A chef down on Lake Pontchartrain
Cooks food from which I can't refrain
He serves a charcuterie

Of pork there in Metairie
With flavor that's simply insane.

Forgive the near-rhyme of lines 3&4.  They originally read
   He serves a bouquetiere
   Of lamb there in Metairie

but it's not pronounced boo-KET-uh-ree (as I've heard a few waiters mangle it.)

If you don't like the 'ut' and 'et' then
A chef down on Lake Pontchartrain
Cooks food from which I can't refrain
He serves a fine roast
Of lamb shanks on toast
With flavor that's simply insane.

but I really was trying to rhyme Metairie.  Sigh...

Monday, February 9, 2015

1609. A handsome reward

Find it hard, girls, to sometimes 'get off'
When you and your man have a boff?
Just reach down and rub
On your hard little nub;

You might come 'fore he shoots and goes sof'.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

1608. Teaching moments

Poor limericks stick in my craw
To their authors I lay down the law

I have antecedents
Quite well-known as pedants

This trait must have rubbed off on moi.

My favorite two-word joke is,
Supercilious?  Moi?

Saturday, February 7, 2015

PD181-182. Two that stick out

Said a diffident lady named Drood
The first time she saw a man nude,
"I’m glad I’m the sex

That’s concave, not convex
For I don’t fancy things that protrude."

A lesbian lassie named Anny
Desired to appear much more manny

So she whittled a pud
Of mahogany wood

And then let it protrude from her cranny.

Friday, February 6, 2015

1607. Our changing language

A word that was formerly lewd
Is now hardly thought of as crude
It once just meant 'mated',
'Til now we mean 'cheated' by screwed.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

1606. 'Sleep Throat,' maybe?

A hooker who called herself Precious
When it came to blow jobs was rapacious
Claimed she'd sucked ninety thou-
sand guys' dicks -- can't see how,
I would say that her stats are fellatious.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

1605. Blackjacks... to the head

Last night I tried out the casino
The dealers all treated me mean, oh
They made me bereft!
By the time that I left
My stack's size was 'bout like a neutrino.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

1604. How to flub a dub

A commoner felt quite delighted
When he learned he was due to be knighted
Met the queen, tried to squelch
A big upcoming belch
But he couldn't and got uninvited.

Monday, February 2, 2015

1603. Keep 'em off the sidelines, too

A Super Bowl player named Brock
Showed a female reporter his jock
He stretched the elastic
And said words bombastic
Like, "Watch how this fits on my cock."

Sunday, February 1, 2015

1602. The hype makes me gripe

It's Super Bowl Sunday, big deal,
During halftime I'll just eat my meal
Don't care which team's winning
Or if Katy's* sinning
I guess you know now how I feel.
(About as deflated as the Patriots' balls.)

* Katy Perry is the halftime entertainment and "sinning" is a reference to Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction eleven years ago.