Thursday, May 31, 2012

PD35-36. On the hole, two classics

There was a young bride, a Canuck,
Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
You say that I, maybe,
Can have my first baby--
Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"

A certain young sheik of Algiers
Said to his harem, "My dears,
Though you may think it odd of me,
I'm tired of just sodomy
Let's try normal fucking." (Loud cheers!)

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

709. Tasteless (figuratively, that is...)

One night after drinking much wine,
A man said "Let's try 69."
But in his deep stupor
He licked his wife's pooper
And wondered "Who thinks this is fine?"

If this soixante-(e)neuf to make you gag, I'll try harder...

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

708. Hot to trot

A powerful stallion, a trotter,
When commanded did just what he otter.
In the sulkey's tight traces
Was off to the races,
A mare took the lead but he cotter.

Monday, May 28, 2012

707. The boots are a perfect match

In the South Texas hamlet of Cuero,
A man likes to wear a bolero.
The locals don't cotton
To him, think he's rotten
And call him a gay caballero.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

706. Not close, but personal

A six foot eight fellow named Hank,
Has a peter that's both long and lank.
When he's having a lay
He's still one foot away
Though his dick's bottomed out in her tank!

Saturday, May 26, 2012

705. Clap is applausible reason

There once was a fellow named Kinnan,
Who hired a whore for some sinnin'.
Three days after he leapt her
He noticed his sceptre
Was leaving stains on his bed linen.

Friday, May 25, 2012

OP30. I'm jealous, but not anneud

Helena Handbasket left this one as a comment to my #679.  I found it worthy of getting full readership so have brought it into the daylight to delight.
That clever old cuss, Sigmund Freud,
A headshrink and cad unalleud...
In louche hurly-burlies
He'd find him some gurlies
And with their emotions he teud.


"Helena" uses many more drag queen sobriquets, five of which can be enjoyed in his comments to entries PD33 and 700 thru 704.  His remarks there are funny, too.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

704. Meet Heitor

His first name is pronounced ay-TOR in Portuguese...
That man from Brazil, Villa-Lobos,
Wrote works* loved by bassoons (also oboes)

Some think stuff by Heitor
Is odd-sounding and hor-
rid and suitable only for hobos.

* Duet for Oboe & Bassoon and Trio for Clarinet Bassoon & Oboe.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

702-703. Pick a pronunciation

A lesbian lady will twitter us
Men while she fingers her clitoris.
She reports "This is great!"
But that fills us with hate
'Cause the fact she won't fuck does embitter us.

There once was a woman named Doris,
Who had an enormous clitoris.
'Twas as large as your thumb
(Made it easy to come)
When she did, she would sing out a chorus.

(Perhaps of "Hold On, I'm Comin'" by Sam and Dave)

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

701. Say MEE-yo

Hearing pieces by Darius Milhaud
Leaves some (pardon my Spanish) muy frio.
At Mills College, taught Brubeck
Composing -- how to peck
Out jazz pieces done by Dave's trio.

Actually, the student became famous beginning in the early 1950s
as the pianist/leader of the Dave Brubeck Quartet (but that didn't rhyme.)

Monday, May 21, 2012

700. What's for launch?

An amazing young bastard named Corter,
Has an asshole that's quite the reporter.
He shoves things in his rectum --
You'd never expect 'em
To fly as if shot from a mortar!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

699. Not de finest

A wonderful word is definitive,
But it shouldn't be used if you're tentative.
"To precisely define"
Is redundant (not fine)
And besides that, it splits the infinitive.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

698. Rare words

"Hey, Freddy, remember that crotch you ate?
Let's hope it has not left you botulate.
I see you are heavin' --
For doctor, be leavin'
Right now, i.e., you should absquatulate!"


I learned of claustridium botulinum in biology class.  Probably learned absquatulate from a W.C. Fields movie!

Friday, May 18, 2012

697. Don't wait #5

Provide the final word via a comment.. 
A young Arab golfer does mutter,
For he is a really bad putter.
But he's great when he hunkers
Way down in the bunkers --
Sand's everywhere back home in ______.

Answered.  See comment(s) -- esp. if you like puns!

I hope this exercise over the past five days was enjoyable.  I'm thinking of running the contest one week out of every month.  Comment or email if you'd rather The Limericist didn't make you play "Phil in the blank."

Thursday, May 17, 2012

696. Don't wait #4

This one's too easy...  Provide the final word via a comment..
There is a young lady, Ms. Carter,
Whose teeth are all covered with tartar.
The cause is fellatio
Done in a great ratio,
Won't charge you, however she'll _______.

Answered.  See comment(s).

695. Can't do without 'em

The ENIAC is considered to be the first purely-electronic computer.
The computer, that wondrous machine,
Has been 66 years on the scene.
Its logic is Boolean,
Does date math in Julian,
Without mine, life wouldn't be keen.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

694. Don't wait #3

Provide the final word via a comment..
A pris'ner complained to the warden(t),
"My cell block is way too discordant.
Can't relax with a book
In my six by six nook
'Cause my cellmate's vile
threats are so ________."
Answered.  See comment(s).

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

692-693. Who goes there?

I'm always curious when I get unknown repeat visitors.  My statcounter tells me where they are from, but I like putting names with the IP addresses of loyal readers.
Some person from Cal (Mountain View),
Visits here every one week or two.
I like your attention!
Please email and mention
If you are someone I once knew...


There also are folks from Saskatchewan
And Oxford U.  Sometimes I catchewan
Line.  I appreciate
Each.  May initiate
Pedestals which I can setchewan!
   Write me -- limericist@cox.net

691. Don't wait #2

Provide the final word via a comment...
A man with huge dick (there's none greater)
Fucks any girl sooner or later.
With libido to match,
He gets tons of snatch,
The fellow, you see, is a ______.

Answered.  See comment(s).

Monday, May 14, 2012

690. Don't wait, DO tell me!

Carl Kassel is the limerick reader for Nat'l. Public Radio's show "Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!"  Contestants listen to him recite one without the final word and then must provide it.

To increase comments here I'm going to try the same ploy each day this week.  You have to supply the missing word!  Simply click on 'comments' below the post and follow the instructions.  Email me at limericist@cox.net if you need help with "how to."

There once was a pirate named Abram
Who, when fighting with foes, liked to sabre 'em.
One fellow fought back,
And delivered a whack
Which gave Abram a wound to his ____.

Answered.  See comment(s).

Sunday, May 13, 2012

689. Monthlies

A middle-aged sailor named Meg,
Like all gals, each month makes an egg.
She's adrift far from shore
 
And can't get to the store,
With no Tampax it runs down her leg.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

688. Double entendre

I love phrases that can be "heard two ways."

One night at the flat of my flame,
We engaged in a fun little game.
She said "I Want You OUT!"
I then put on a pout,
And rather than going, I came.

Click PD7-8. to see similarities to the "young man from Kent."

Friday, May 11, 2012

687. The broad is a fraud

A medium woman was vaunted
For searching out spirits undaunted.
When employed by a host
To uncover a ghost,
She'd always say "This house is haunted."

Thursday, May 10, 2012

PD34. Spoonerism

There was an explorer named Lew,
Wired home for "two punts, one canoe."
The reply the next day
Said "Girls on the way,
But what in the hell's a 'panoe'?"

"Spoonerism" is an eponym, from Wm. Archibald Spooner's penchant for switching the leading consonants of two words.  Scroll down at the link to see several examples.

There are many jokes which rely on this device, and here are just two:
Q. What's the difference between a band of pygmies and a girls' track team?
A.  One's a bunch of cunning runts (and the other's a bunch of...)

Q.  What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a whore with diarrhea?
A.  The eplileptic shucks between fits...

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

686. Wish I were this guy

A fortunate fellow named Hicks
Has the luck of a dog with three dicks!
Whether car (trying to park it)
Or playing the market
Each thing that he does always clicks.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

PD33. Necro-romancing

A mortician who practised in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
"How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, did not budge --
Just the same as she'd acted in life."


That one brings to mind this joke:
A man dials 911 and reports
"I think my wife is dead."
"You think she's dead?!!  Why do you say that?"
"Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up in the sink."

Monday, May 7, 2012

685. Preggers

A girl with a liberal slant
Got fired when she went on a rant.
Eight weeks with no period,
Her problems are myriad --
No income, no prospects, enceinte*.


*French for pregnant

Sunday, May 6, 2012

683-684. Maidenheads

A virgin's small membrane of skin,
Slows a man when he tries to get in.
I hope there's no crime in
My rhymin' on hymen --
If so, I've committed a sin.

A woman whose word can be trusted,
Says "My cherry has never been busted.
It has a big scab
So men won't take a stab
Plus, my labia minor are crusted."

Saturday, May 5, 2012

682. Reverting to Verdi

You can read my first one about him by clicking this.
Old Giuseppe Verdi was keen,
His operas are still on the scene.
The name of this Brahmin*
Is really quite common,
Translated to English:  "Joe Green."


*A socially or culturally superior person

Friday, May 4, 2012

681. Once is too many

An executive, Oliver Rand,
Fucked an underling (mere one-night-stand.)
News somehow traveled back
That they'd been in the sack
And the lady and Rand both got canned.

680. This will choke you up

There once was a fellow named Solo,
Who wore a string tie called a bolo.
One night he got hot,
Used it as a garotte,
Was arrested.  In court pleaded "nolo."

Nolo contendere is Latin for "no contest."  I first heard the term when former VP Spiro Agnew pleaded "n.c." to a charge of cheating the feds of $13,000+ on his 1967 taxes.  The plea is just a euphemism for "guilty" -- they are treated identically.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

OP29. An admirer wrote

This came from one of my good friends, Bill B.  I'm flattered!

Phil's limericks, when seen in review,
Are great, though they're not always true.
I consistently found
Him grammatically sound
But they’re often a deep shade of blue.

(I guess 'red' didn't rhyme)   :-)

679. Butt plug

A very sad fellow named Lloyd,
Has a single but large hæmorrhoid.
The thing is so giant
(And not at all pliant)
His poor colon just cannot void.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

678. Erosion or explosion?

A tourist in Giza (a geezer),
Found the pyramids quite a big pleezer.
When he looked on The Sphinx
And its nose with the shrinx
Said "That thing must have been a big sneezer!"

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

677. Pun on soul phase

An R&B singer named Cole Hays,
Learned to do "do-re-mi" in his ol' days.
Using words for each note,
Syllables from his throat
Meant that he had now entered his solfege.

(Click the final word for an explanation.)

676. English spoken here

A horny explorer named Fletcher,
Was known as somewhat of a lecher.
On one of his trips
Found a girl with huge lips,
Asked "Ubangi?"  The girl said "You betcher!"