Saturday, August 31, 2013

1124. Sensory overload

What with golf's Fed-X Cup playoffs, the US Tennis Open, and the opening of the college football season, I felt like I needed about six TVs to stay up with everything I wanted to watch today!

My TV Remote feels quite hot
For today I have used it a lot
This weekend's a menace,
Watched golf, football, tennis

Just couldn't remain in one spot.

1123. 2 Rms, Ocean Vue

"My favorite place in the mondo
Is my beach town that's known as Redondo."
(These words from a bitch
Who's incredibly rich --
Paid six million bucks for her condo.)

Thursday, August 29, 2013

PD81-PD87. Rollicking Religious Relics

Each of the following is from a small (but very good) collection by Ray Allen Billington.  It is entitled LIMERICKS HISTORICAL AND HYSTERICAL with copyright 1981 by W. W. Norton and Co., NY.  More specifically, all of those below are purported to have been composed by members of a now-defunct(?) group of Chicagoans who called themselves "The Society of the Fifth Line."
A short-peckered rabbi named Stu
Was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife said, "Oy veh!
You keep on this way
The Messiah will come before you!"

There was a young preacher from China
Who loved boys but thought birds diviner
But he gets little tail --
In fact, he's in jail
Being charged with corrupting a mynah.

There once was an amorous abbot
Who longed to get into the habit
Of a virginal nun
Whom he scragged on the run
(They've injected her pee in a rabbit.)

A postulant, perfect and celibate,
Found his passions beginning to well a bit
But his nightly repression
Found fluid expression
Annointing the roof of his cell a bit.

At a born-again Baptist conversion
A preacher kept urgin' a virgin
'Til she finally gave in
When he said, "It's no sin
So long as it's total immersion."

A lecherous curate of Leeds
Was discovered one day in the weeds
Astride a young nun.
He said, "Christ, this is fun,
Far better than telling one's beads."

A born-again Christian named Claire
Was having her first love affair
As she climbed into bed
She rev'rently said,
"I wish to be opened with prayer."

1122. Warm Springs, Georgia

Two newlywed fat folks in Macon
Can certainly get their bed shakin'
I do not know how
This boar and his sow
Can spend twelve hours a day makin' bacon!

For an interesting(?) tidbit about Macon, GA, hockey fans may click on THIS.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

1121. Contrapuntal problems

A pianist, Angus McDougal,
Had trouble when playing things fugue-al
So he'd give a listen
To notes he was missin'
By hearing them played using Google.

He probably only used google to find them, but listened on youtube..

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

1120. Steep price to pay

While brewing the tea called Oolong
I did something terribly wrong...
Before it could cool
I chose a poor tool
To stir it, and blistered my dong.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

1119. Probably not my Sunday best

A Sunday School teacher named Rucker
To church wore her best bib and tucker.
There she taught all the kids
How God chose the Yids
And loved them and offered them succor.

Daffynition: The Exodus -- a sufferin' succor dash.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

1118. Brain drain

A randy young rascal named Mick
Had most of his brains in his dick

He went out to consort
And committed a tort
By fucking an under-age chick.

Friday, August 23, 2013

1117. Should have ordered conch

At a greasy-spoon diner in Bimini
A Swede tried the grouper -- too lemony
Besides being tart
It caused him to fart
Which made his wife shout, "Yumpin' Yiminy!"

Thursday, August 22, 2013

OP118. Could this be stanza 3?

Whenever a boy would affect him
He took him in church to inject him
His unwilling victim
He stripped him and dicked him
And shot a full load in his rectum.
Not only could it be Stanza 3, it now is!  Your host for The Limericist Blog took the liberty of augmenting #1107 with the above lines and also gave some kudos to Mr. Reddekopp.

1116. Stanza 2 for #1107

Occasional poster but regular reader/commenter, Okie-Jokey, left a comment today to entry #1107.  He felt my man of the cloth might be our old friend, The Bishop of Birmingham, and therefore would need male companionship.  Thus, the following:

Now his conquests aren't gender-specific
Also finds boys' asses terrific!
(You'll note he eschews
Any cunts to abuse
Else his offspring would be quite prolific.)

I've included my 5 extra lines in 1107, also.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

1115. Wank or walk

There once was a filthy curmudgeon
Whose prick also worked as a bludgeon
If his date gave no yanking
He'd use it for spanking
Her, then send her homeward a'trudgin'.

OP117. #1100's boyfriend

A man thought it would be a waste
If he didn't go down for a taste
But the flavor, it stung
Badly damaged his tongue
You could say he was rather de-based.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

1114. Early home mammogram

A jazz-age gal's mind was quite wandery
Especially while doing laundry
Dreamed of being a singer
Caught tit in the wringer!
Explaining left her in a quandary.

Monday, August 19, 2013

1113. Tuba-lar bell

The title is a play on words.  Remember (click)  "The Exorcist" theme?
A musician who played the euphonium
Had his instrument plated with chromium
When he Handel'd or Bach'd
His playing got knocked
But his horn would receive an encomium.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

1112. I believe I'd charge a lot more

A daydreaming teenager, Bud,
Imagined himself as a stud.
"I'll charge 10 bucks for viewing
But 50 for screwing
My marvelous fourteen-inch pud."

Monday, August 12, 2013

1110. Missing my muse

There once was a woman named Dotti
Who rode in a silver Bugatti.
(While its rhythm is clean
And it isn't obscene,
This poem belongs in the potty.)

Sunday, August 11, 2013

1109. Casting couch

A movie director named Neal
Gets sex using this bold appeal:
"If you'll give me a hum job
I'll cast you in some job
That should, quid pro quo, seal the deal."

Saturday, August 10, 2013

1108. I'll have the Pinot Noir

A vineyard to visitors pandered
And let folks stomp after they'd gandered

One (a jock) got to traipse
On some cabernet grapes,

His athlete's foot made 'em sub-standard.

Friday, August 9, 2013

1107. Tight fit for much else

A bishop with sports car of red
Finds that hot girls are easily led
To his Alfa Romeo,
Shouts, "Excelsis Deo!"
Each time that one gives him some head.

On 8/22/13, Okie-Jokey commented that my prelate might also like young men, precipitating this response from me...
Now his conquests aren't gender-specific
Also finds boys' asses terrific!

 (You'll note he eschews
Any cunts to abuse
Else his offspring would be quite prolific.)

And Dave Reddekopp posted this follow-up as OP118 on the same day.  Note how all 5 of his lines end with the same two rhyming syllables.  Unusual and well-played, Dave.
Whenever a boy would affect him
He took him in church to inject him
His unwilling victim
He stripped him and dicked him
And shot a full load in his rectum.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

PD80. Aural sex?

This one is nearly as good as the one about the 'bent' man from Kent which can be seen by clicking HERE.   Wish I'd written either or both...
There once was a lady from Kent
Whose cunt was so large in extent
And so deep and so wide
That acoustics inside
Were so good, you could hear when you went.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

1106. Since it's hump-day

There once was a sheik from Bahrain
Who thought that his steed was too plain
He painted that camel
With bright pink enamel
An act I find rather inane.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

1105. Ewwwww, IMHO

A woman gave birth in Madrid
And then a disgusting act did --
She ate some polenta

Mixed with the placenta
To help her to breast-feed her kid.

It's not that unusual, I guess...  check this article from The Atlantic.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

1103-1104. Auto eroticism

A slimy car salesman named Steel
Puts few women behind the wheel
He won't even quote 'em
Just takes dick and scrotum
And offers the old 'package' deal.

A man drove a classic old Stutz
On dirt roads with very deep ruts
One bounce broke a shock
Causing pain to his cock

And a permanent ache in his nuts.

Friday, August 2, 2013

1102. A laosy limerick

A home to the weird and the smart
Is also well-known for its art
It's funny that 'Taos'
Rhymes only with 'Laos'
They're 9,000 miles apart.

Comments welcomed if I'm overlooking other words ending 'aos' and pronounced with the slight diphthong.  "Chaos" meets the spelling but not the sound requirement.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

1101. In a slough of trouble

There once was a hiker named Ben
Who slipped and fell into a fen
He got rather soggy
Down there in that boggy
Spot.  It was as deep as his chin.