Wednesday, December 31, 2014

1568. Must sportswatching imply brainlessness?

All year I have followed the polls
With my friends while awaiting the bowls
Well, the games are now here;
As we watch them, I fear
That most smart people think we are trolls.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

1567. Did I arthur this one?

Rubinstein had a large penile wart;
Tried removing by soaking in Port
Wine while list'ning to nocturnes.

It must have been Cockburns
'Cause that's what it gave the old sport.

Monday, December 29, 2014

PD165-166. THE limerick

I suppose it's time I posted it.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt, I would fuck it."

Allegedly, the first Nantucket limerick was completely clean and composed by a Princeton man in 1902...
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

Sunday, December 28, 2014

1566. Homophonic (and ironic)

Joan Blondell, who divorced Michael Todd,
Sometimes sailed overseas from Cape Cod
When away on these trips
It gave rise to some quips:
Michael's friends liked to say, "She's a broad."

"Ironic" because Blondell often played an attractive, brassy character -- one Sinatra et. al. would have called a "broad."

OP160. Roll again?

Sam, a backgammon star from the Saar,
Played a woman whose jeans were ajar.
     Soon the game was forgotten
     When Sam hit her blot, an’
She worked hard to get off his bar.

[This limerick was first composed during the Backgammon craze of the 1970’s and geographically recalled by the PD post of “Each of these four features a whore ” of March 2014.]

Saturday, December 27, 2014

1565. Golf is a 4-letter word

Well, I played and it could have been worse
Didn't die so no need for a hearse
Though my muscles were stiff
I did not ever whiff*,

You could say that my backswing was terse!

*I got an email invite on Christmas to play 12/26.  I replied and said, 'I'll be there but must I count my whiffs?'
He wrote back, 'They're now called FISH.  You swing, you miss, you say 'Fuck! It's Still Here!'

Friday, December 26, 2014

1564. Long layoff

This morning, I'm off to the links
I'll be shocked if a putt ever sinks
Haven't picked up a club
Since last June -- know I'll flub
Many shots with my swing that just stinks.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

1563. Yule enjoy it more

Be nice today, don't give no sass
The best holiday's come to pass!
Drink from the decantah
Pretend it's 'bout Santa
But don't forget: it is Christ's Mass.

Regardless of your religious beliefs, I wish you a Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

1562. Tossers

If more than thrice daily you jack off
Well, your eyeglass prescription won't back off.
If that hair in your palms
Has been giving you qualms
I suggest that perhaps you should slack off.

OP159. Shut out at the Long Branch Saloon

Young Augustus, trail hand from Clear Boggy,
Had a dick like spaghetti when soggy.
     He rode into Dodge City
     To roger Miss Kitty;
She quipped, “Get a dong, little Augie.”

A follow-up by The Limericist...
Augie's eyes had a look that was squinty
And his breath could have used something minty
Hookers told him, "Get lost, uh
Your pitiful pasta
Looks cooked past the stage of al dente."

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

1561. No nasty habit here

A nun really wanted to come
But refused to use fingers and thumb
And since she didn't cater
To any vibrator
She spent her whole life feeling glum.

Monday, December 22, 2014

1560. Dimwit destiny

A none-too-bright girl from Bryn Mawr
Was told that she wouldn't go fawr
This prophecy (chilling)
Turned out self-fulfilling,
She spends all her time in a bawr.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

PD164-166. Oceanography

I'll be out of town for 3 days.  Here are 3 classics to "tide" you over until Monday.

There once was a girl from South Philly
Who quit Greenpeace (she thought it was silly)
I said, " Don't worry, Gail,
You can still pet a whale, 

Simply undo my fly and free willy!"

There was a young fellow of Crew
Whose tool was so straight and so true
That the Navy when fighting
Could use it for sighting
From a mile it could sink a canoe.

A couple was fishing near Clombe
When the maid began looking quite glum,
And said, "Bother the fish!
I'd rather coish!"
Which they did---which was why they had come.

1559. Cream dream

A virginal frat boy named Lew
Couldn't get any coed to screw
Fantasized 'bout a liplock
While filling his whipsock
From toe clear to top with his goo.

When I was in the Air Force, buddies and I would see who could make up the cleverest alliterative sentence for requesting a blow job from a girl.  Here are a few I recall and the first contains a word I re-used above:

How’d you like to lay a loose, loving liplock on my long, lanky log?”
Why don’t you masticate my malleable member?”
“May I shove my shapely shaft into your chute?”

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

1558. Left out

From this reddest of red states* I may
Have to pick up and move far away
The conservative views
That I read in the news
Make it harder and harder to stay.

*In national election coverage, TV maps use blue for states won by Democrats and red for Republicans. Of Oklahoma's 77 counties, each voted "red" in the last two presidential elections.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

1557. Partial payback

A prison cook never did squeal
When she got knocked up by a con's eel
She had an abortion
But saved a small portion
To put in the rapist's next meal.

Monday, December 15, 2014

1556. Wives/girlfriends, take heed

On Sundays, men watch NFL
On Mondays and Thursdays, as well
Though it may corrupt us
Please don't interrupt us
Or else it could be your death knell.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

1555. Peering into her future

A teen-aged gold digger from Kew
Won't put out unless your blood's blue
At present (by my count)
She's slept with a viscount,
Eight earls and a baron or two.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

1554. A sassafras ass

A man from Tierra del Fuego
For breakfast one day ordered "Eggo"
He dipped it in filé
Way down there in Chile
The chef bade him, "¡Hasta luego!"

Friday, December 12, 2014

1553. Not the bestial ever read..

A filthy old farmer named Sam
Was suspected of liking to wham
His livestock from behind;
Sheriff showed up to find
The old bastard had gone on the lamb.

I've broken a Blogspot rule here (no bestiality) but so far we've avoided their other one - no incest.  Anyway, here's my favorite Spoonerism joke:

Q. What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?
A. Mick says, "Hey, you, get offa my cloud" and the Scot says, "Hey, McLeod!  Get offa my ewe!"

Thursday, December 11, 2014

1552. Tireless trekker

There once was a fellow named Grover
Who lived his whole life as a rover
He roamed the U.K.
From beside Galway Bay
All the way to the White Cliffs of Dover.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

1551. Wanna screw? Do the blue.

When a dude has a dong that stays limber
January 'til end of December
He should get him a pill
Made with Sildenafil*
Or be satisfied just to remember...

*Active ingredient in Viagra

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

1550. Winter lament

I hate getting up when it's cold
It's an act that requires being bold
For I sleep in the buff
And won't change, but it's tough
To get out of bed now that I'm old.

Monday, December 8, 2014

1549. Nose jobs

A fag with a gigantic nose
Employed it instead of his hose
He called his mates "Sugar"
And used it to booger
Their butts without shedding his clothes.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

1548. Slimin' Rhymin'

I like to tell folks, "I'm a bard
Specializing in dicks that are hard
Plus farting and shits
Cunnilingus and tits
And pussies that take one full yard."

Saturday, December 6, 2014

1547. Frumpy fabric

There once was a husband named Dan'l
Whose wife slept in gowns made of flannel
This didn't excite
So during the night
His pleasure was watching Golf Channel.

Friday, December 5, 2014

1546. Outside sex

There once was a cautious young lass
Whose method of screwing was crass
Guys could not stick their poles
In the three of her holes
Had to slide up the crack of her ass.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

1545. Epochally ignorant

The Israeli P.M. named Ben Gurion
Loved recordings of A. Khachaturian
Since at hist'ry, kids stink
Many probably think
Both men lived in the time called Silurian.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

1544. Durable dong

An elderly bastard named Schmidt
Said, "My muscles have all turned to shit
'Cept for one: When I'm rammin' a
Pussy my stamina
Don't seem to hurt me one bit!"

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

1543. What a way to go

A new bride who appeared to be docile
On her honeymoon, did stunts colossal!
Fucked her spouse with such furor
He couldn't endure her
His next stop?  St. Pete the Apostle.

Monday, December 1, 2014

1542. Misunderstanding

A girl from Carmel-by-the-sea
Asked a gentlemen over for tea
She was very surprised
When she learned he'd surmised
That by 'tea' she had really meant 'me!'