Friday, September 30, 2016

2252. HOMES, sweet home

Back to featuring five related things as I did in #2216.
Huron features a stream at each mouth
Three states cluster at Michigan's south
Sure it's large, it's Superior
(Though Erie is drearier)
Ontario hopes there's no drouth.

Once on a road trip (drinking involved) someone asked, "What word can be made from the initials of the Great Lakes?"  I said, "Moshe?"  (I've been Dayan to tell you that.)

Thursday, September 29, 2016

2251. Pronunciation lesson

As he slipped his dick into her niche
He'd a sharp, sudden craving for quiche.
Withdrew and got dressed,
Headed out for a rest-
aurant; She yelled, "You son of a biche!"

Please don't be guilty of saying "nitch."

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

2250. Flatulent fluff

What a small, harmless word it is -- "poot"
Four letters, but isn't it cute?
Just call 'em that verbum
And you'll need not curb 'em,
If odorless, who'll give a hoot?

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

2249. Calmness 1, Megalomania 0

The press called last night's debate, "Major"
I don't think there's much doubt who seemed sager
Clinton proved she has graces
Trump yelled and made faces
Interrupted, but couldn't enrage 'er.

Monday, September 26, 2016

2248. When's he gonorrhealize?

A fellow was looking morose
Felt laconic instead of verbose
For his pecker dripped pus
And his shorts were a muss;
Didn't know he'd contracted a dose.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

2247. Le Roi Est Mort

Arnold Palmer made people's hearts sing
Today his soul went on the wing
So humble, so gracious
He tried shots audacious
In all ways he earned the name, "King."

2246. I wouldn't wish ya alopecia

A bald-headed fellow named Nate
Was not at all fond of his fate
He tried using Rogaine™
But still noticed no gain
Of hair on his cue-ball-like pate.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

2245. Witch is worse?

A kinky young lady, a Wiccan,
Does things which might cause you to
Before sex and durin'
She swallows your urine
And then gives your asshole a lickin'.

Friday, September 23, 2016

2244. Keeping it fictional

An author (a gal, quite a looker)
Was hoping to win a Man Booker.*
She'd no predilection
For any erection
So never had let a man fook 'er.

* The most prestigious literary prize for fiction.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

2243. How's a guy to know?

Today is the first day of Autumn
My wife wanted mums, so I sought em.
I brought home a corsage
As a lovely homage
She: "I can't plant these!  How come you bought 'em?!"

OP353-354. Bowflex no-flex

Another contest entry, though while it's eligible for the main prize it also qualifies for the side contest, about exercise.

Every week, a new training routine
On a fancy newfangled machine
And a bloke for a witness
Who spoke for its fitness
To make me all muscled and lean

But it never gets used, to my shame
Overfed and abused is my frame
As a matter of patness*
I'm an adder of fatness
So don't get enthused, I'm the same.

*timely convenience.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

2242. The genesis of 'pussy whipped'

When Eve arrived onsite in Eden
She soon reduced Adam to pleadin',
"Let me get 'tween your legs,"

But she shunned all his begs
By withholding that which he was needin.'

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

OP346-352. I have a bone to pick, no bones about it

The following words contained within this multi-stanza limerick DO reflect the opinions, beliefs and past experiences of its author (and has been that way for years; take it or leave it!)

I know this may sound kinda mean
But I can't stand a guy who's too lean
When we hug, I'm just wrangling
A torso that's dangling
And feel like I'm strangling his bean.

When I stand side by side (what a scene!)
With my li'l anorexic machine
Even though I am slim
I look fatter than him
So you'll never see photos onscreen.

Making love is a stressful routine
With the sheets, he gets lost in between
He just seems so damn frail
When his arms start to flail
And he calls me his mean wolverine.

These skinny guys must have a gene
That makes them uptight, a bit mean
They can't seem to relax
They should eat some more snacks
And cut down on their daily caffeine.

Scrap that bean pole, that stick figurine
For a guy with a shoe size eighteen
A teddy bear clone
Who's got meat on each bone
Who won't fall when against him I lean.

He'll protect me and he'll intervene
If a thug comes along unforeseen
Then my sweet honeycomb
Will just carry me home
Where my king will treat me like his queen.

As for extracurricular fun
He'd be better than most anyone
Just a-hugging and squeezing
And tugging and teasing
Till plugging and pleasing is done!

2241. An undeserved plug

A man up in cold Saskatoon
Did more than drink in a saloon
He'd fill up his jaw
With a large Red Man™ chaw
And expectorate in a spittoon.

Monday, September 19, 2016

PD257-259. A package of sacrilege

A pretty young boy known as Kevin
Was raped in a pasture by seven
Lascivious beasts
(Oh, those Anglican priests)
And such is the Kingdom of Heaven.

A responsive young girl from the East
In bed was an able artiste
She had learned two positions
From family physicians,
And ten from the old parish priest.

An ambitious lady named Harriet
Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
By seventeen sailors
A monk and three tailors,
Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

OP345. F you

My friend, if you've found any fame
You're a fool if you fuck an old flame
If she fails in her flow
She's a frustrating foe
For you'll find you're the fellow she'll frame.

The last word is the contest word this week.

2240. Shawnee suburb

A retiree who lives in Tecumseh
On the golf course becomes very grumpsie
With swing that is gnarly
Shots land in the barley
And that leaves him down in the dumps, see?

Saturday, September 17, 2016

2239. Marooned on the plains

An effeminate fellow named Jerry 
Was the only cocksucker in Perry
As quick as he could
He moved out of the 'hood,

Couldn't get any dates on its prairie.
Perry, Oklahoma's high school athletic teams are The Maroons.

Friday, September 16, 2016

2238. Not always a stand-up candidate

'Though her doc says Ms. Clinton is fit
Repubs don't believe it one bit
Saying, "We don't deserve her
'Cause her email server
Was used to send stuff illegit."

Thursday, September 15, 2016

2237. She growed 'er an odor

A French whore, incredibly louche,
Decided no longer to douche
Her pussy soon stank
And the smell grew so rank
That most johns would fuck only her bouche.

Yikes!  On 11/2/2016 I discovered that this is a near duplicate of #2000!  C'mon, readers -- help this old man when he starts repeating himself!

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

2236. The Prissy Prolix Pioneer Woman

There's a Food Network© gal named Ree Drummond
I could slap my wife when the show's summoned
Ree repeats "now" and "just"
'Til I think I must bust
After five minutes, my brain's be-numbened.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

2233-2235. Try this trio

A skinny pole dancer from Stigler
Learned quickly that men want a wiggler
She obtained a boob job
Grew her butt like a blob
Now mere gusts of wind make her a jiggler.

I went to a doctor in Bristow
Asked, "What can you give me for this toe?"
He said, "What you have
Will respond to this salve
Which is made from our state flower, mis'toe."

At an Indian smoke shop in Woodward
I needed to drop off a good turd
Checked for paper, told clerk,
"I need TP, you jerk,"
He said, "Tent?"  Guess he misunderstood word.

Monday, September 12, 2016

2232. Surely I chest

I love knockers, both covered and bare
Whenever I see 'em, I stare
Though most women have two
My ogling's not through
And won't be 'til I've seen every pair.

I call being caught looking, "The glare of the headlights."

Sunday, September 11, 2016

2230-2231. Oklahomans talk funny

There's a town way northeast in our state
Getting mispronounced is its sad fate
Don't end it with "mee"
Say "muh" and you'll see
That with folks in Miami, you'll rate.

To Czechs, something seems rather vague
Have we Okies all suffered from plague?
Why's our pronunciation
Of their major station
Not come out as "Prahg," but as "Prayg?"

Saturday, September 10, 2016

2229. Lon gets lucky

A loquacious Limey named Lon
Eloped with a lass from Ceylon
He laid her to lick 'er
By lulling with liquor
Quite looped, she got left on that lawn.

Friday, September 9, 2016

2226-2228. Places I've been

In January, 2015 I wrote Nrs. 1586-1598 about Oklahoma towns.  It's time for more...

A creationist down in Durant
Cannot be convinced to recant
He's dumb as a door knob
And does a real poor job
Of stating his case with a rant.

Oklahoma's small town known as Hugo

Loves tourists but only a few go
It spawned B.J. Thomas
That's true, and I promise

Its hist'ry will please you if you go.

If your car should break down while in Cushing
And the shop guy says, "You need a bushing,"
Better get it replaced
Or you'll be real red-faced
From advancing your auto by pushing.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

2225. Courting the finest

US Open is well underway
Oh, what fantastic tennis they play!
Folks have been given thrills
Since 'twas named "Forest Hills"
Back when amateurs played for no pay.

Although called "Open," tennis professionals were not allowed until 1968.  At that time, the tournament was played on the grass courts of The West Side Tennis Club in Forest Hills, Queens.  Ten years later, the tournament moved to the hard courts of the newly-built National Tennis Center in Flushing Meadows, Queens -- site of both the 1939 and 1964 World's Fairs.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

2224. An epic glottis

I took out a spinster named Kate
She asked, "Will this be our lone date?"
I replied, "Well, a lot'll
Depend on your glottal
Abilities."  She took the bait.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

2223. L of a start

A loquacious Limey named Lon
To an African country has gone
The natives there yearn
For more English to learn
So they say to Lon, "C'mon, Gabon."

Monday, September 5, 2016

2222. Better when spoken*

There once was a woman from Worcester
Who had an affair with a rooster
Imagine her shock
When the tale of that cock
Became published by Simon and Schuster!

*Since the listener would hear "tail."

Sunday, September 4, 2016

2221. What the Eff?

Oklahoma had a 5.6 temblor yesterday, felt in six states.  Environmentalists continue to blame fracking as the cause.  Most geologists blame wastewater injection as the culprit.

That fairy should furl up his flag
Knocking fossil fuels folks can defrag
He fears too much flack
If a fault we should frack
Let the fool hug a fir, the damned fag!

Saturday, September 3, 2016

2220. Tough and tricky task

Dave, Suz, and Phil did something neat
Did you notice the cons'nant repeat?

For each syllable stressed
The same letter's caressed
Which is kind of a difficult feat.

Suzanne wondered in an email if any of us could write a limerick in which every word began with the same letter!  David felt it would be hard enough just having the stressed syllables follow that pattern, so he started things with OP342.  I responded with 2217 and 2218 and now Suzanne has posted OP344.

David was correct -- it IS hard enough!

Friday, September 2, 2016

OP344. A Doggerel of D's

A drunk druggie drummer named Dwayne
Rather disliked his dimwit Great Dane
What the dog (like a druid)
Would damn well dare do - did
His dense dick drilled down a deep drain.

2219. Grecian excretion

An emcee who also is queer,
When off stage, loves his dick up your rear
The guy's macrophallic,
So hard, feels metallic
That bugger is beyond compère!

Thursday, September 1, 2016

PD254-256. OEDILF selections

If you don't know what it is, google it.  However, you must promise to eventually return to my site!  These three were listed (with attribution) at another website.  I've underlined the entries.
Though Jewish, I envy your Easter;
On Cadbury Eggs I’m a feaster.
They’re chocolate and smooth,
And my mood they will soothe.
(But they’ll add too much weight to my keister!)

A stunt aviatrix (girl flier)
Came down in a swamp deep and dire.
She was lunch for a croc,
But the studio’s doc
Called it “death from consumption” (the liar).

You suffer from avascularity?
No offense, but I doubt your sincerity.
With no vessels for blood
Your whole body’s a dud,
And you won’t pass your genes to posterity.