Friday, January 31, 2014

1238. Don't schrew up

In Greece, try the cheese they call feta
In New Orleans,  a great muffaletta
For dessert, want biscotti?
Then do not be notti
In Rome when you order bruschetta.

In Italian, the consecutive letters 'sch' are pronounced as our 'sk'.  I don't know how many times I've had a young waitperson in an (American) Italian restaurant leave out the 'k' sound when suggesting "brooshetta" as an appetizer. They probably say "shairtso" for scherzo, too.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

OP136. A theological question

If what the Good Book tells me is true
Well then I have a question for you
Jesus said for my labor
As myself love my neighbor
Does that mean I must jerk him off too?

Saturday, January 25, 2014

1237. Be safe -- rubber the right way

Like most men, I have a proclivity
For regular sexual activity
I've learned when you bond
You'd best use a cond-

om if you do not want a nativity.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

1236: More of a whipped topping

"These berries" wife said, "really seem
Very tough.  Let them soak, then add cream."
Her word: "maceration"
He heard: "masturbation",
When wife checked back, she gave a scream!

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

OP135. Queers and beers

A gay man who lived on his own, Lee
Was finding himself rather lonely
But since he was queer
He was filled with good cheer
Upon finding the bar, "Members Only"

Monday, January 20, 2014

PD118. Cogito ergo sum

One day a young man of good cheer
Asked Descartes if he'd like a cold beer
The answer he got
Was a quick "I think not"
And he watched poor René disappear.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

1235. What a first date!

Having just learned to drive,  Bobby Becker
Took a younger girl parking to neck her.
But she was no rookie --
She bared her sweet nookie
And took on his hot throbbing pecker.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

1233-1234. Yankee Doodles

A woman who lives in New Haven
Is known far and wide as a maven
She can tell guys at Yale
Which shop's having a sale
On tattoos if they want some engravin'.

But she has much more knowledge than that --
She knows where the hookers are at!
For a small finder's fee
You'll be sent off with glee
To meet Amber or Jasmine or Pat.

Once there, you might sing, "Yank my doodle, it's a dandy!"

Thursday, January 16, 2014

OP134. Gettin' Higgy with it

Though the general public may doze on
CERN's search for new particles goes on
Their scientist squadrons
Are all getting hadrons
Because they've discovered a boson.

1232. Not a foreign corespondent

Divorce is now on my agenda
Thanks to my next-door neighbor, Lucinda.
Don't know what made me trifle
With that boastful eyeful
The judge soon his ruling will renda.

I've heard alimony defined as "the screwing you get for the screwing you got."  Fortunately, this limerick isn't about me. 

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

1231. Read the book if you haven't already!

A student in Ft. Worth named Haskell
Attended the high school called Paschal
Where, like Billy Clyde Puckett,*
He learned to say "Fuck it"
Becoming a Semi-Tough rascal.

* The main character in Dan Jenkins' (funniest) novel, Semi-Tough.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

1230. A Portrait of the Artist(?) as an Old Man

With apologies to James Joyce for that title.

An old man in need of a filter
Said things that were all out of kilter
His girlfriend's complaint
Was, "He won't use restraint."
When he heard this, it caused him to jilt 'er.

My wife says I also need a muzzle...

Monday, January 13, 2014

1229. I need to return to alimentary school

To my girlfriend I said, "Hate to wake ya --
But blow me and then I will make ya."
Nearly brought on her death
When I cut off her breath
By sticking my prick down her trachea.

In the future I'll try to fill her esophagus so she won't need a sarcophagus.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

1228. A middling response to OP133

While Fox News, I agree, has its messes
MSNBC, too, brings me stresses
Their liberal bent
Says, "Too little gets spent.
U.S. broke?  Hell, just turn on the presses."

Friday, January 10, 2014

OP133. In God we rust

There is a vile strain of hypocrisy
Undermining the US democracy
Propagating its views
Through the guise of Fox "News"
And its aim? To create a theocracy.

OP132. What can brown do for you?

Whatever it does for you, it doesn't do it for me.

My girlfriend wants me to go down
But her panties are always too brown
Until she learns to wipe
Then my tongue and my pipe

Won't be seen anywhere near downtown.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

1227. Hire Education

A meek and mild coed at Baylor
Never ever would cuss like a sailor.
'Tho she wasn't the aptest
Of students, this Baptist
Would charge if you wanted to nail 'er.

Monday, January 6, 2014

1226. The flux incapacitator

A detective decided to pump
An informant by fucking her rump.
But he didn't deduce
That her bowels were real loose
And she shat out his dick with a dump.

"The flux" used to be euphemistic for diarrhea.  Still?

Sunday, January 5, 2014

1225. But not to her vision...

A Port-au-Prince virgin (a Haitian)
Was the chaste poster child for her nation
'Til one peek with her eyes
'Tween her boy friend's spread thighs
Caused immaculate degeneration.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

1224. Neither Nyad nor Naiad

A little geography lesson for you...
A long-distance swimmer named Donna
Says, "Lake Erie is not my Nirvana.
I'm afraid I might drown
South of Buffalo town."
(Her refusal is just Lackawanna.)