Saturday, November 30, 2013

1205. I'm surlier earlier

I don't think 'Black Friday' is supposed to refer to my mood, but it usually does.
My neighbors have put up their lights
They're gaudy and ruin nice nights
Do I not remember
The 10th of December
As start date for neighborhood blights?

Friday, November 29, 2013

PD107-110. The great outdoors

To her groundsman complained Lady Bliss,
"I suspect that there’s something amiss.
These drooping hydrangeas
Were praised once by strangers.
Carruthers, I know where you piss!"

Said a green cabin-dweller called Cade
"Shit surely will bio-degrade
Since I've no indoor plumbing
When a crap is a-coming
I head for the woods with a spade."

While whizzing on deck, an old boatswain
Fell asleep, and his pisser got frozen.
It snapped at the shank,
And it fell off and sank
In the sea---'twas his own fault for dozin'.

When Theocritus guarded his flock
He piped in the shade of a rock.
It is said that his Muse
Was one of the ewes
With a bum like a pink hollyhock.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

1204. Non-traditional (and non-true)

It's Thanksgiving Day, I feel quirky
I've decided to bypass the turkey
I'll eat dressing and gravy,
Enough for a navy
But as for meat, I'll have beef jerky.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

1203. 3-2-1... Contacts!

As he stroked to a mag of nude lasses
A teen's mother walked in, gave him sasses:
"Besides rotting your mind,
You're gonna go blind!"
Kid:  "May I do it 'til I need glasses?"

More and more I'm resorting to writing limericks with punch lines from hoary jokes.  Does my lack of originality indicate that it's time I quit?

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

1202. Look, Ma! No hands!

A virile young Hebrew named Lehman
Delights in his nocturnal dreamin'
He sometimes will wake
With his putz in a lake
Of freshly-deposited semen.

Monday, November 25, 2013

PD104-106. A clutch of clean classics

A Chicago meat packer named Young
One day, when his nerves were unstrung,
Put his wife's ma, unseen,
In a sausage machine
And canned her, and labelled her ”Tongue.”

Cinderella (so called 'cause she's sootiful),
To her stepmother always was dutiful.
She went to the ball,
Let her glass slipper fall,
Now a sole-kissing prince thinks she's beautiful.

A young schizophrenic named Struther
When told of the death of his brother,
Said, ”Yes, it's too bad,
But I can't feel too sad;
After all, I still do have each other.” 

Sunday, November 24, 2013

1201. Non-appealing feeling

There once was a young haberdasher
Whom the girls all considered a masher.
"I don't care how you're dressed,
Get your hand off my breast"
Said one, dashing his chances to gash 'er.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

1200. Uncommon commentator

The comic named Steven Colbert
Will say anything on a dert

Politicians discordant
Get comments quite mordant
Thank God, censors don't seem to cert.

Friday, November 22, 2013

1199. Menorahty rules

Yesterday, I again received the email that's been going around for several years re: The Washington Post limerick contest requiring that "Lewinsky and Kaczinsky both be included.  While it was at least the fifteenth time I'd received it, it did inspire this

Bill Clinton liked using his Konica
To take pics of Jewish slut Monica
He'd snap her undressing,
Then kneeling and blessing
His pecker (just not during Hannukah.)

I'm guessing she did do it during Nosh Hashanah...

Thursday, November 21, 2013

1198. Name that book

A Texas man, well-known for quipping,
Found his date on the rag, she was dripping.
He said with a quiver,
"I'll wade the Red River
But I ain't about to try sipping."

I thought I remembered the line, "I'll wade in the Red River but I won't drink from it" as being from Semi-Tough.  However, a (specious?) Google search yielded North Dallas Forty as the source.  Comment if you know for sure.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

1197. Big buildup for a mediocre limmie

Robin Sutherland, Principal Pianist with the San Francisco Symphony, has been mentioned herein several times.  We are friends and besides his being an excellent musician he's one of the cleverest people I know.  In a recent email he wrote, "The symphony is rehearsing Benjamin Britten's War Requiem, or, as I like to call it, 'The Dead Person's Guide to the Orchestra'..." 

(For you non-musicians, one of Britten's most famous works is "The Young Person's Guide to the Orchestra.")  Anyway,

Of composer Ben, much has been written
(I refer to Sir Benjamin Britten)
Robin's "Dead Person's Guide"
Made me laugh 'til I cried
His humor's again left me smitten.

If you'd like to hear some of Robin's fine and sensitive playing, CLICK HERE.

1196. Stalling for time

There is a young asshole named Acker
Who at work is a consummate slacker
Given some task to do

He heads off to the loo
And plays with his small tallywhacker.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

1195. The rabbit died!

My daughter and son-in-law recently notified us that "they" are pregnant.
Next May, first-time grandpa I'll be!
So I'm walking to strengthen my knee.
I've heard, "When you dandle
Naught else holds a candle
And you will be filled with great glee!"

Monday, November 18, 2013

1194. This is a stretch

A Michigan man who's named Monson
Possesses the world's longest Johnson
He gets hard in Detroit
To fuck girls in Beloit --
A city in southern Wisconsin.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

1193. Apologies for The Inquisition, et. al.

In much of the world, there's a prevalence
Of Catholics doing benevolence
Guess they want to atone
For when they did condone
Converting "the lost" through malevolence.

I'll be having some surgery done in a few weeks and am thankful that Tulsa has not one, but two large and excellent (Catholic) hospitals -- St. John where my two kids were born and St. Francis (where I'll be having a couple of kidney 'boulders' removed.)

Saturday, November 16, 2013

PD98-103. Six clever classics

The god Thor told the whore he was with
Who he was, hence his great monolith.
She exclaimed, "You ARE Thor!",
When they got off the floor,
"I'm tho thore I don't think I can pith!"

An unfortunate lad from Madrid
Possessed both Super-Ego and Id,
So whether he screwed,
Or completely eschewed
He felt guilty, whatever he did.

A self-centered young fellow named Newcombe
Who seduced many girls but made few come
Said, "The pleasures of tail
Were ordained for the male.
I've had mine. Do I care whether you come?" 

A short-organed fellow named Kevin,
Used a vacuum to stretch it to seven.
Then to eight and to nine,
Thought ten was divine,
And there will be film at eleven...

A twitchy young bitch named O'Brien
Sighed, ”Joe, you just keep right on tryin'.
I'll leave you my card,
And when it gets hard
Please wire or drop me a line.

”Let's try it this new way,” said Jack
As he winked at the girl in the sack.
She turned and she grunted,
”I should be affronted,
But this time, I'm taken aback!”

Friday, November 15, 2013

1192. The bro bra

I've added some flab to my rear
But that's not the place I most fear
If my chest gets much lamer
I'll need Cosmo Kramer
To create for me a manssière.

Popular culture owes much to Seinfeld.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

1191. Hardly a day goes by

Perhaps it's because I'm so frugal
That I feel I should blast on a bugle.
For Bing I've no deference --
When seeking free reference
I use that search engine called Google.

How'd you like to be an encyclopædia salesman in this day and age?

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

1190. A lousy playground

A skanky old whore had some scabs
Which ranged from her thighs to her abs.
She hadn't a clue:
What's the cause?  What to do?
Turned out they were bites made by crabs.

Monday, November 11, 2013

OP130. Slick Willy

When Willy goes out to a mixer
He spies a girl out and he picks her

To get her in the mood
And get her in the nude
He tricks her, then licks her and dicks her.

1189. Wheel never know how he got home

An Englishman, Lord Smithwick-Gyre,
Unicycled his way to a fyre
But he rolled up too close
And was very morose
When the blaze then consumed his lone tyre.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

OP129. Yesterday, on TODAY

From Tijuana to ‘way up at Thule
‘50’s folk liked to watch Jack Lescoulie.
    Smooth Dave Garroway charmed
    Us, signed “Peace,” but alarmed
J. Fred Muggs, whose high jinx were unruly.

1188. Any port vs. a storm

A man with a wife from St. Kitts
Never knew when she might get the shits
So he'd smear KY jelly
All over her belly

And fuck just her tits or her pits.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

OP128. A Blue Ribbon Performance (in 34 seconds)

On TODAY I watched Roker and Lauer
Get a health check that makes most men cower.
    Matt’s own doc cracked crude jokes
    Then dispensed rectal pokes.
Why submit?  Prostate cancer is dour.

Live, on the November 7 TODAY Show telecast, a urologist administered digital rectal exams to hosts Matt Lauer and Al Roker.  For more detail, read the first Comment.

Friday, November 8, 2013

1187. This sounds like midway to me

Down his leg, that is...
A sideshow freak keeps his cock curled,
Twenty inches(!) but once it's unfurled
All those who have seen this
Incredible penis
Say it's the 8th Wonder of World.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

1185-1186. He is on it from boot to bonnet

2015 will mark 50 years since several of the guys in my Air Force squadron arrived at Randolph AFB outside San Antonio.  One of them, Mike McCabe, recently wrote that the 1952 MG-TD he bought and restored during that time has been garaged ever since he got married in 1970.  He says it needs some work but if he can get it running, he plans to drive it to our 50th Reunion!  I responded with

McCabe thinks that it would be keen
To party in 2015
And if it will shift, he
Will drive to our fifti-
eth in his TD -- what a scene!

I'll be there to share in the mirth
And to see who has gained the most girth
I'll make the long drive
Right down I-35
That is if I'm still on this earth.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

1184. Playin' footsie

A man I know says with a smirk,
"I use my right foot when I jerk.
Since I'm double-jointed
This means I've anointed
My toes, not my hands -- a nice perq."

I often see that final word spelled "perk" but it's short for "perquisite."

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

1183. Reeve only just begun

In The Miller's Tale, Old Geoffrey Chaucer
Writes of Alison, "three want to toss her"
Husband, 'Carpenter John',
Nicholas, Absolon.
It seems each one knows how to boss her.

Monday, November 4, 2013

1182. It's not funny money

We fellows like whores who solicit us
But not, when we're done, if they dis-sed us.
When, for money, we came
Much too soon and they shame
Us it seems they're a wee bit duplicitous.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

1181. On the screws vs. in the pews

A country club golfer named Burch
Had a wife, tried to get him to church.
With the course closed on Mondays
He couldn't miss Sundays
She often got left in the lurch.

A long, straight shot with a driver is said to have been hit 'on the screws.'

Saturday, November 2, 2013

1180. But have my limericks pejorated?

A cocksman both mated and sated
A virgin ('tho she'd masturbated)
He said to Amelia,
"I'll do more than feel ya'"

Then found how Amelia rated.

Friday, November 1, 2013

1179. Had he no sense of humid?

Read a fine Sci-Fi novel last June
Have you heard of it?  It is called "Dune"
To be perfectly Frank
Mr. Herbert does rank
Near the top.  Disagree?  You're a loon!